i guess... it's just human nature to rebel...

我想我大概明白为什么那么喜欢你。
并不是因为你是那么的与众不同。
你。。。那么脚踏实地，那么体贴
的确，或许就像你所说的，
这大概就是你所追求的
《完美关系》。。。

每一对男女，从普通朋友成为好朋友，升级为情侣再步入礼堂，大多数都会在感情不同阶段里发现彼此未所看到的一面。有些人无法接受并承认所揭开的那一面，认为是对方变了，但事实就是这样吗？还是那只是因为彼此还不够了解彼此呢？

你说，如果因为发现对方比自己想象的人不一样而分手、离婚，难怪世上有那么多情侣分手、那么多夫妇搞离婚。

对，我完全同意。

我想，如果想真正长久下去，一对男女就需要懂得彼此包容。你说看到彼此未发现的一面，这就是人生。人又为何要违反人生的规律呢？

所以，我不会再害怕了。
因为我就是我。
谢谢你让我发现这一点。

mixed feelings.

i shouldn't have dropped by, i suppose. and i don't think u'll even care.

despite having left for such a long time, i guess that feeling never fades away.
feeling of hatred?
of disgust?
at the lies? or hypocrisy?

i don't know anymore.
i don't wanna care about it anymore.
did you even feel guilty in the first place?
that thought of it made me feel like laughing.
well i guess you weren't even refering to me in the first place since i'm so insignificant in your life.
the most important thing is... i am happy now. that's all that i need to know and feel right now.



i guess this is just one of those blue blue days...













on a side note, please please! let me focus and do well for this upcoming exams. i really need all the best possible grades i can get... =X *prays hard*

每个人不论在什么时候，都只能做一件事。说什么女人比较能够multi-task，那都是骗人的。只不过女人比较能够分配时间吧，在同个期间的不同时候做不同的事情。就像电脑一样，看起来好像是可以同时进行很多不同事项，但其实电脑只是把时间分割得非常细腻，在不同时段执行不同事项。所以总的来说，如果想要在一个期间内执行许多事项，就必须懂得好好分配时间。世界上没有人能够同时做那么多事，所以我也不应该逼自己在短时间内赶那么多作业之类的东西。凡是一步一步来，别想一步登天！

所以，不要对自己做那么不合理的要求，凡是尽自己的能力去做吧！不要让自己感到压力，这样只会减低工作效率。

庆瑜，加油！

wake me up when September ends...
wait! it's over already????!













at this point in time... i just want to scream

RRRRAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

i insist!
我不是草莓族！

i finally know wad went wrong with me the entire week...

i lost my focus. i got really forgetful these days, probably due to stress, and i have a really hard time trying to focus on my work too. rest is no longer restful enough, more than 8 hours of sleep is still insufficient. and work just keep piling up.

this is year 4 life...

i guess i need to learn how to focus while being immersed in stress. and how to organize and plan well in such an environment. =)

i wanna thank everyone who bear with me the entire week... be it my hrm team mates (for my lack of direction at meetings) and my dear for bearing with my little tantrums =)

a few more days and i'm a year older! =))













here's a song i really like... it has a nice tune and it's by S.H.E!!! yay!!!

612 星球
歌手：S.H.E

满园玫瑰 我以为 找到我那一朵
认真爱了 却狠狠 刺伤我的双手
责备什么人也没有用
玫瑰都红 难免看错

望着天空 爱是否 活在童话里头
小王子说 有些事 流浪过才会懂
原来每颗心都有个洞
找不到真爱 会一直寂寞 oh~

我但愿有一个人在等我
在属于我的612星球
好让我忍着痛也愿意往下走
不快乐至少要有梦

一定会有一个人在等我
无条件拥抱着我的所有
相遇前我还要翻越多少山丘
花别谢太快 请你等等我

擦干眼泪 一个人 漂流在这宇宙
小王子说 爱一定 开在某个角落
路上相爱的人那么多
我会幸福吗 在什么时候 oh~

我但愿有一个人在等我
在属于我的612星球
好让我忍着痛也愿意往下走
不快乐至少要有梦

一定会有一个人在等我
无条件拥抱着我的所有
相遇前我还要翻越多少山丘
花别谢太快 请你等等我

我但愿有一个人在等我
在属于我的612星球
好让我忍着痛也愿意往下走
不快乐至少要有梦

一定会有一个人在等我
无条件拥抱着我的所有
相遇前我还要翻越多少山丘
花别谢太快 请你等等我

you mentioned that you felt weird.
to tell the truth i felt weird too.
maybe i didn't know what i truly wanted.
i don't know whether you felt the same way.
what does it mean to be together?
could it be our expectations were too different?
i don't know... haha.
i suppose it is?

i must admit my actions these days might just be a reflection of how i am actually confused with what i want.
i want personal time, but i want time off with you too.
i want someone by my side when i need him...
i guess you wanted that person too.
but am i beside you when you needed me?
this i don't know...

i wonder if this is how you feel too...

wow, it's been a long time since i blogged about song lyrics...

can't wait for S.H.E's new album!!! XD










沿海公路的出口
歌手：S.H.E. 作词:黄建洲

用一盒火柴烧一场蜃楼　
藉这场大雨让自己逃走
慌茫公路无人的漂泊　
寂寞海啸 把我卷走

用一段感情换一个朋友　
每一句再见割一道伤口
躺在万劫不复的街头　
微笑参透 覆水难收

倘若说放一次手　就像咳一个咳嗽
我又何苦在乎得不到的温柔

我坐在公路的出口　
等待天黑以后 无边的寂寞
连想你都是种残酷切磋

我目送沿海的日落　
紧抱一个醉生 梦死的枕头
留不住回忆却学不会放手 怎么走

i'm sorry i lied.
i lied i had runny nose. but...
i guess you were right.



what's love?
does my actions reflect my true feelings?
how do i truly feel?



you were always the one who knew how i truly felt.

was it the same the other way round?

i felt i wasn't up to your expectations.

i'm starting to wonder and doubt myself.
like whether i'm a good gf in the first place.
saying sorry doesn't help.

actions speak more than words.
what can i do to seek your forgiveness?


maybe i shouldn't be forgiven...













please. be strong.

haha i just saw hwui zhi's comment on my tagboard... well i haven't really been blogging cos i'm pretty tied down to school work, relationship n the ps2 i just borrowed from yuchun for 2 years... haha! not exactly the best combi i must say, almost every day leaves me drained of my energy. but oh well, i'm learning something new everyday... =) though there's always this little wish that everyday is not just 24hrs but 48 hours... meaning more time for rest each day... ha!

so yups, a short post to start the day! somehow i forgot wad i had wanted to blog about initially... haha! alamak i must be getting really old... 3 second fish memory =X

though it's been such a long time... i'm disgusted at how bo sim you still are.
yah it's true u're probably lazy...
but telling lies to cover up your laziness is just so irritatingly annoying.
but i'm glad this happened, it made me appreciate what i have in front of me more... =))
i guess someone people just never change.

Thanks for the wonderful day... ^^

Sorry for not getting something for u... =X

But i still hope you enjoyed our special day =)) irirlu~

so many thoughts after my first hrm tutorial.

hrm was shit... i mean... hrm IS shit. what is hrm? hrm = human resource management. it is the field of study that focuses on the applications of Organizational Behaviour (OB) theories and principles in organizations. omfg i remembered that straight off the textbook. that's the power of MH.

(those who ask what/who is MH? all i can tell u is that you can take it as Morning Horizon. or even My Happiness. wth. >.<)

but the approach MH takes (though pretty unique... that's a nice way of putting it... eccentric maybe? that's still a pretty nice way of putting it still.. ha!) does invoke loads of thinking on my part. which was wad MH wanted to achieve... MH wanted us to abandon all our assumptions and learn to question. i was not inquisitive enough. this brings to mind (let's forget about the business market... ahh business environment is the outside environment, including customers, competitors, suppliers and distributors, which all impact on organizational detail... vomit from textbook again) how i'm always stuck in conversations and find conversing with strangers tiring. MH brought up how upon seeing someone for the first time MH would have 20 questions for that person. starting from probably "what's your name?" it branches out to 5 more questions. wad about me? if i ever squeeze out a question to try to strike conversation with a total stranger i'll be stuck after that. which was why i felt conversations were so tiring, i simply lack the inquisitive nature which i feel everybody has when they came to the world, but due to the circumstances we went through that nature was almost completely buried. so now the question is... how do we bring back that nature to us?

for a moment a funny thought came to mind... go onto the mrt and observe people... and formulate the possible questions you can think off just by looking at one of the strangers on mrts...

(and i feel it's absolutely interesting to just observe people on public transport like mrt and buses... there's so many things that u can see! like the way people dress... or the way they sit... and observe how people talk to each other... so interesting! hees)






and then, for this project i had, i was sort of involuntarily the leader of the group (i was the first name in the group haha) it felt totally weird and uneasy on my part, since from young i was sort of labeled having no leadership qualities... or so i thought. come on, i'm not someone who likes to explain every single action i do to others, i expect others to just follow me (and i lead by example) and i'm an introvert. i like to keep things to myself. all these are a no-no for leaders isn't it. but a part in me wants to be a leader. i don't like to follow orders or confinements. i have this desire to break these barriers. one of the ways i do so is with my dressing. haha this brings to mind... today i purposely chose to wear a rather bright red shirt matched with black cardigan and skirt when i knew everybody else would be wearing light colours like white or light blue or something. i just wanted to be different, to look brighter when i do my presentation, i don't want to be similar to others. i want to show i have an identity. so maybe that's why i don't want to simply be a follower. i want to be somebody different... (a leader in this sense? i dunno)

but look at me! during team discussions i choose to step aside and listen to what others have to say (and in the process i get lost in their conversations... it's so tiring to pay attention to wad others have to say sometimes) i choose to become the so called 便利贴女孩 that doesn't like to be different or doesn't express her opinion but choose to follow. what happened to the part of me that wants to be different?

because my ideas had been rejected previously? because i am afraid of giving wrong answer or wrong opinions? all these no! it was simply because i lacked initiative to even open my mouth. being different doesn't necessarily mean being difficult. i am afraid of bringing trouble to others. (or so i claim hahahaha) but by disputing other people's opinion or to question their ideas is to a certain extent bringing trouble to them since they have to think more thoroughly about their ideas. but so? is that wrong? they'll hate me for that? (some may... sadly... haha) i dunno...

or maybe it was my low self esteem playing in the shadows... i don't really want others to dislike me probably...

and so i question myself. do i really lack leadership qualities just like the way those people who "labeled "me had said? i admit i'm more of an introvert... but not by nature. this i am very clear. though a really long deal of shit i would say... i became an introvert. i want this to change. i want to be able to talk to others and not feel tiring. i wish i can be a little more open about my thoughts to people i'm not so close to. of course there's the issue of trust again, i don't want to really dive into that right now... but yeaps. ultimately i still wish to change for the better.

but even if someone is an extrovert or he/she opens her thoughts to public, it doesn't necessarily mean he/she has leadership qualities isn't it? and there's the other idea of taking charge. personally i don't really like to take charge since i'm someone who hates being bossed around. so i assume others don't like to have authority pressing down on them... but maybe this perception of mine needs change. a leader doesn't have to keep chasing down his/her subordinates' neck. a leader need not rule with an iron hand either. taking charge can mean establish contact with those under him/her, just to let them know u're the man/woman out there. (lolx notice how i keep saying him/her... i'm a feminist k!)

and this kind of initiative, i used to have that. but ever since some things that happened i learnt to hide that part of me too. why choose to bury it? haha... i remember i used to get praises from my sec school teacher for my overwhelming enthusiasm to help teachers set up ohps n stuff... (all the tiny gritty stuff)... and now i understand why they praised me and hoped i'll continue to have such initiative... society needs this kind of people. but i had let them down... why did i choose to let this part of me die when things happen? i feel i have just backtracked another aspect of me...

all in all, i feel like i've been walking in the wrong direction all these while. when people discouraged me with their actions of not recognising me (well it's not their fault anyways) or even appreciating the effort and things i did for them, i choose to let the good aspects of me die out and i became opposite of the "better person" i actually was! wth was i thinking man! it just takes a wrong turn at a point in my thinking and all the good aspects of me went into the grave. ok enough. it's time to stop thinking and put my thoughts into action...

i remember wad 赵老师 used to tell me... 不要怕吃亏。 well of course the 吃亏 dun refer to let guys eat ur toufu (omg wth am i thinking man) but rather... dun be so calculative on the gains and losses... when others come to u for help, just help. sometimes don't be so calculative about taking the extra effort when others would probably take them for granted... oh well... now i guess i better understand what she was trying to say...

all i can say at this point in time is... i still don't know if i have the courage to follow this above statement now...

well, i'm not exactly someone without any leadership qualities at all... to look on the brighter side hees! i'm someone who's self reflective... a little too self reflective sometimes? (like wad yc implies... i might get lost while exploring within myself... hey i'm someone with no sense of direction mahs!! haha kiddings~) so yeaps, while i have to be harsh on myself and have high expectations of myself to propel myself forward, i shall always remember that i'm not totally that bad off... no matter how jialat things are, there will always be some redeeming point somewhere out there waiting to be discovered...

so yups, ok lah (though a little bit reluctant) THANKEW MH. you opened a few doors for me to explore more within myself... and i learnt a lil more myself today... thanks for offering one of the really few unique courses we ever took in uni man... but this brings me to have a desire to ask MH several questions... this include... why did MH choose to carry out his course this way? was it so that he could fulfill the marketing strategy our school tries to sell its courses to the potential uni students? and also why did he choose to leave his previous job and come to teach students instead? is the pay offered to him by the uni much much higher? hees~

alrighty. enough about hrm. blehs.

today was the first time in a few days i actually got to spend a little more time with you... i'm really happy for that =)) although i'm greedy (haha aren't all humans greedy? =Pp) but i understand how u're suffering now, so i wouldn't make my selfish requests... abit paiseh to bother u n ur family at such a short notice... but it was inevitable since i decided i wanted to be selfish... =X i hope ur mum didn't think i was some spoilt brat just go ur house to 骗吃骗喝！haha~

i'm glad u went to see doctor again today... cos the med u took today made u seem much better. well i shall try to curb my desires until u fully recover... ^^ haha erms... is this ****?

i'm really tired today after all the hrm mess... the moment i reached home i actually had the "crazy" idea that i wanted to start doing work immediately after i bathed... like doing some fyp research, or hrm research for fri's meeting, or even my database systems tutorial... eeks. but since it's 11.36pm now (oh i typed too long a blog entry haha) i guess i shall tuck myself in bed with my psp n my dear pooh... ^^

pls... get well soon. *prays hard*

i don't like the feeling of being helpless towards the pain and suffering you have to deal with alone... =((

and... hrm sux! rawrs!

想到了就气。

请你不要拿过去与现在做比较！

thanks for the pleasant surprise!
jialats the poison has sunk too deep...
我觉得很幸福~ ^^

it's been some time since i last blogged. been really busy tying the loose ends of my holiday job... now i'm officially free from all the work hassle (not forgetting all the heated arguments and happening events every now and then... ha!) it had been a really enriching experience for me.. considering i was posted to the accounts department and i had no prior accounts knowledge... and i look at how people interact with each other in the office, to a certain extent slowly opening myself up to chit chat with the people i met there.

my colleagues... or i should say now... ex-colleagues... are really nice bunch of people. despite me not having a really good impression initially when i first started work (i thought they were pretty cold people... i had to eat lunch alone the first few days~) but oh well, slowly i became independent bahs. i started bringing lunch to company... din mind eating alone le... but that besides the point.

i had certain issues with my boss too... cos although she's a really nice lady, sometimes the information she disseminate to me was not sufficient for me to carry out my task correctly. this resulted in me going in circles, doing things wrongly n stuff... but still i learnt (the hard way probably?) how to calculate worker's payroll... how to use excel formulas... it was interesting in its own way i suppose... cos i'm ultimately a maths student who's really passionate about numbers, which fundamentally is the interest of accountants too. so yups... i had fun "programming" my excel spreadsheets to calculate workers monthly pay based on attendance input, instead of how the accountants used to calculate the daily worker's pay based on memory. i hope my work would help them save time and effort =))

but of course if i had more time, i would have implemented a system much more complicated than a mere spreadsheet. i mean, we not only have to calculate worker's pay, we should have some sort of a more flexible system that allows one to add in new workers information (besides hard programming it into each excel spreadsheet)... and there should be some way to print out each worker's pay slip.... right now the company doesn't have a detailed pay slip for workers yet, so if i had more time, i might decide to implement a database structure yet... haha~ *shrugs*

am i a little too ambitious? hees~

after you mentioned the possible "obstacle" when school reopens...i did start to feel a little afraid. afraid that i might be too greedy and yearn for your attention when i know i'm not supposed when school reopened. will we be able to stick and pull through together? will my feelings last? what about yours?

but i suppose... there's no point for me to bother about these issues right now... i could only face and tackle them as it comes... so little time it seems... and i'm greedy to want to have more time... which is impossible haha...

thx for your time and attention... i really feel loved =))

it's my mum's bdae today... i sincerely wish her happy bdae! i hope she enjoys herself at the lunch buffet today =)) despite my dad and sis away from home overseas... i hope she still enjoys me and my brother's company... ^^

sometimes i wonder whether there's a way for me to drastically increase my EQ... according to a certain individual, the fastest way is to keep socializing and keep exposing urself to all kinds of social situations... which would be painful for me cos socializing is a pretty tiring task for me... but i suppose no pain, no gain... and now the question will be... how will i attempt to expose myself to more of these social circumstances...

thanks for everything today!
u're right, you can't be by my side 24hrs a day.
i really should seize this time to learn to be independent.
i understand the pain u're going through.
despite how i kinda hate myself for turning you down the other time...
maybe i really did have the foresight.
afterall those who start to claim they've recovered from emotional wounds usually haven't fully healed yet, the next moment a simple incident could just blow away ur recovery efforts.
(speaking from past experience haha!)
the only thing i can do for you is to let you sort out your thoughts
to stay by your side and show up beside you when you need me.
i'm sorry for the selfish thoughts and actions i have today...
pls forgive me ^^

i kinda hate myself for being selfish. today my HR manager bought me food just before he came back to office 1hr before i knocked off, hoping i would stay behind and do OT for his sake (especially when my other colleague took leave all of a sudden when payday is just around the corner) so many work issues to settle, and instead of agreeing to do OT, i refused. i wanted to meet up with my friend for dinner and i was... ahems. having a little bit of constipation with the erms... unwanted material stuck up my a** which simply refused to get out of my system despite my attempts to develop my humble and sincere feelings with the toilet bowl. so i just said i can't make it for OT today... and the HR manager replied... aiyah must be going to par tor... so i just kept quiet =X
ok lah he's right there...i suppose... ha!
oh well, i just have to work harder and chiong faster at work tml... eeks!

and i sincerely pray i wouldn't have to do OT tml... oh pls pls pls pls pls pls pls pls pls psp psp psp psp psp psp psp psp psp psp... opps! lmao~ yah if i can i would love to have more time to spend with my 裴勇俊 and darling psp... ^^













and one last thing. thanks to kelvin for reminding me this...

+ ~ What to do? ~ +
> Have you lost your way? <
= When that happens... =
~* We each have to take a good look at our hearts... *~
+ ~ There's always something forgotten. ~ +
** Remember it. **
-=- Whatever it is... -=-
~ it must certainly be what you are looking for... ~
i promise...
whistle~ and i'll come running...













it's time to fulfil my forgotten promise(s)... =))

and thanks for reminding me something so precious in my heart that i have long forgotten in this 3 years... ^^

这世界有太多会消失的美丽
但你是你 so i believe
thanks for giving me the courage to believe ^^



i'm sorry for being stuck in the rut...
i shall not let my fears rule my thoughts and actions.
i shall be more mindful of how you feel.
i shall try to have more positive energy... haha!

despite all the negativity i emitted, you still stayed by my side and reassured me.
thanks so much. i don't know how else to show my appreciation.

i guess this poison is pretty lethal... ouch.
but........ i wouldn't be defeated so easily... lol!



to my dear brother... so sorry! i overwrote your one and only save file on the psp... 20hrs of playtime gone... hontou ni gomen!

and since u're asleep now... it's time for me to continue hogging my darling psp... hees!

yet another sleepless night... haha!

*tries very hard to avoid the unavoidable saturday morning trip to the doctor...*

as i delve deeper and deeper into the work i'm currently involved in, i start to realize how vast the effects of certain events and actions have on the entire company and its workers. i realize how important efficiency (and not just paperwork) is, which is something hard to achieve. sometimes it really doesn't pay to be nice, take the company policy of paying advances for example. the workers would like to go up to the accounts department and complain of short payment from the company, when the company was just taking back the advances they paid the workers earlier to help them tide over the month. and i thought being irresponsible at work or just taking leave as and when i like wouldn't affect the company much. but the company is now in trouble because of many workers who are so irresponsible and they can't have enough manpower to carry out the tasks they promised others to do. and initially i thought my coworkers were cold and unfeeling. but actually they feel for their workers alot. and i really do mean alot. reading all those faxes of daily reports from the workers made me realize how much hardship the workers go through while everyday i just sit in my air con office and complain how tiring it is for me to look and process all the huge chunks of data or to make photocopies the entire day. i suppose it's really time for me to learn to be 知足...
11:33am
although we can't tell how things will be like in the future,
i'm glad you're the one that i **** ** **** ****.
i want to thank you so much for all the things you did
from lending me your jacket during movies,
to just you appearing in my life.
i'm not perfect, i have so many flaws.
i fear you might stop liking me someday cos of my flaws,
i fear that we might drift apart slowly...
but the things you do reassure me,
that my fears were just me thinking too much.
i thank you.
i **** you (i think)
i M u... haha~ ^^
what's 知足?
to be content with the current state of things?
to learn to appreciate and push down your greedy desires?
i think that's something that's really hard to achieve for a lot of us. ^^
looking at those workers who try all ways to get more money from the company...
how different am i from them in terms of our greed? lol~
i really should appreciate what i have in life now =))

so... i'm sorry for making you feel even a lil pressurized.
what will the future hold?
if i were to slowly let you go...
will you come back to my side?
or would you be like a kite,
once i let go of the string holding it...
it'll disappear into the endless sky?
i'm afraid of being overly greedy.
i'm afraid of not wanting to let go
(even if i might have to at the very end)
so maybe i should give myself this test...
and see if this is really... destiny or just mere coincidence. ^^

i'm tired from a day of work... but... hey hey~ my dear cutie is waiting for me! 裴勇俊 is just so so so charsmatic! ok lah i mean in the show "the legend"... i really like the soundtrack (irony: the OST costs as much as the dvd set... lmao)... and i like the graphic effects... and of course i *heart* 裴勇俊! opps the other day my mum was just commenting abt him being a 师奶杀手... *implying i'm as auntie as them lars*... i insist! i'm just drawn by charsmatic men k?

and then... there's my darling psp waiting for me... omg i'm so damn busy man... where got time to rest properly? hees!

maybe it's time for things to cool down.

did i go too far?
was i too greedy?

maybe i should really learn to curb and control myself~

did i go overboard?
but u started first. =X












maybe sometimes it's really 祸从口出...
i wish i wasn't on msn for you to catch me.
wish there was some way for me to squirm out of my situation.

或许，每个人都必须经历痛苦才能前进。

was rereading my old diary.
the diary full of painful memories.
maybe it was to test how well i have healed.
in the end tears were swimming in my eyes but i didn't cry.
good work qy!
the next time i reread this no tears will even form! ^^
jiayou qy!













i remembered how people hurt me because of their own agenda.
i can't blame them for doing the things they do.
i was too kind to them.
despite all the things they did to hurt me,
i didn't even want to hurt them in the least bit.
was i too naive?
so naive that in the end the one so deeply hurt was me alone?

am i still that naive?
so naive that ultimately i'll be the one deeply hurt again?

feelings do fade away with time.
i promised myself i'll love only you for eternity.
but you did all those things that hurt and shattered my heart.
i'm stupid if i continued loving you.
but i lingered for 3 years.
all because of that promise i made?
i wanted to keep to that promise so badly.
but i had to learn there's no such thing as eternity.
the only eternity was the past.

you were kind and nice to me.
you had been sweet to me.
i did make some really nice memories with you.
(though the painful memories left behind was probably much more than the pretty ones)
i know i loved you.
i don't know whether you had loved me back.
it didn't matter.
it doesn't matter.

i want to leave behind the sorrow you left in its wake.
i want to leave behind the pain you left to move on.
i want to break free of the chains i bound myself with.
i want to let go.













to a kind soul, thanks for the big plaster you gave me. ^^ although plasters could only stop wounds from bleeding and can't stop wounds from hurting, i was really touched. ^^

and now it's up to me to stop my scars from hurting.

加油！i can stop your wounds from bleeding but i can't stop them from hurting. but it'll eventually stop hurting with time. till then... hang in there. ^^










jiayou qy!

thanks...

whenever i did something, u'll return twice of what i did...
how can i return that kindness of urs?
deep down my heart really wants to forgive u, but my past fear of being hurt again pulls me back...

i want to be able to give without being afraid again, just like before i ever got hurt.
i want to return your kindness twice of yours, but in the end u'll return even twice of what i gave.
are u trying to make me dig my entire heart out in return?
你对我的好，已经超出我能承受的100倍...

i wanna thank you for giving me the courage. the courage to face my fear. the courage to smile. and the courage to... ... ... ...

i really want to shout this out to the world,
but i guess i shouldn't...













maybe i'm afraid of what the world would judge of our actions.
why should i?
just let the tongues wag behind my back?

it doesn't really matter isn't it.
it doesn't matter if the whole world misunderstands me...
if you were one who understands me...













i really want to thank god (or whoever up there) for letting me meet you. ^^

thanks for giving me courage. ^^

today is probably not my day...

my left leg hurts.
right ankle hurts.
tummy hurts.

i guess i need a big plaster too... haha~

原来心里的伤口没完全复合。
原来你是因为这样才希望我能彻底原谅。
我本来以为原谅与彻底原谅没差，
没想到你比我还明白。

被伤透的心能不能够继续爱我。
被伤透的心能不能够有勇气再去爱人呢？
一直质问自己的，或许不单单是你。

我终于明白为什么当初没买胶布给你。
因为害怕付出太多
害怕再次受到伤害
害怕自己自作多情
事隔这么久心里的疤痕却依然还在。
伤疤能随着时间消失吗？
我的勇气又跑到哪里呢？

信任是多么的脆弱
一瞬间就可以消失
想建立却那么困难



我害怕让你对我失去信任
我害怕将来会无意伤害你
我害怕与你靠得太近 发现我有那么多缺点
我害怕你慢慢讨厌我 到时不能守在你身边

我的害怕你都听得到吗？

或许你也在担心同样的事~



work was so damn stressful today... i ended up standing in front of the photocopying machine for like almost the entire afternoon... feeling really tired right now... i should rest early tonight but... =X dun really feel like doing so.........



如果是这样，这就是我的答案。。。

除非你背叛我对你的信任，
不然我应该不会失去对你的信任。
人与人之间伤害彼此是正常的，
所以就算是伤害我也会接受。
一个人的优点与缺点都由个人批判，
你所谓的缺点可能在我眼里是优点。
请你要对自己有信心，
相信会有人真心喜欢自己的全部。

这些话我也该跟自己说吧！哈哈！

喂，喂，不要怕~
你是好娃娃~
个屁啦！^^


别再害怕。
不要让害怕主宰自己。
我真正想要的是什么呢？
不要让自己的害怕来决定答案。



我。。。
想成为你的灯塔
想成为你的避风港
这样会不会很不要脸？哈哈
我想带给你更多笑容
想治好你破碎的心灵
这不是告白！这只是身为好朋友的关心！
不准偷笑！=X


庆瑜 加油！
你也要加油！

请不要害怕看不见的未来。
不要再次因为害怕而退缩。
要学习如何鼓起勇气面对！
加油，我做得到！加油！！！



thanks for your company the entire day.
you chased away my best friend on my behalf.
was that your way of saying thanks to me? haha~
but at the rate things go, my gratitude towards you would only keep piling up...
if there is god, i thank you...
thank you for bringing you into my life. ^^





i kept sneezing the entire day in the office... could this be a sign that i'm falling sick again? >.< but then again i guess i'm pretty influential... my colleague sitting opposite to me started sneezing at the end of the day... lol! *so evil of me~~*

now all i want now is probably a well deserved rest... free of worries n troubling thoughts...












to zs...
i shouldn't run away from issues should i? i shouldn't be wishy washy either... but i guess i probably don't have the courage to face it... to hurt you in the process... i don't know how to tell you how i truly feel. i didn't expect things to turn out this way... but if i keep things hanging there it'll only make you feel more hurt in the long run isn't it. should i tell you the truth? how much of the truth should i even tell you? just thinking about all these makes my brain hurt...

and i wonder if u already realize that there's something wrong with me and how i treat you now... =X













maybe i shouldn't have gotten too close to anybody in the first place.
perhaps going too close would result in one hurting another.
although being hurt and getting hurt is part of life...
but i really have no intention of hurting anybody...

if i hurt anyone,
i'm sorry.

pls dun pry into my heart.
i don't want you to have a totally changed opinion of me.
i know u're concerned about me.
but now is probably not the right time for me to tell you.
all i can say is...
sorry.
and thanks kt for giving me strength too.
jiayou qing yu ^^

hi my best friend...

why do you keep coming back to company me when nobody else is around?
i don't need your company.
i don't need your pity.
i don't need anybody's pity.

are you something that i have to learn how to conquer someday?
didn't i conquer you back then 2 years ago?

i can try to chase you away.
i can fill the entire room with music and games.
but in the end,
you simply refuse to budge from the depths of my heart.

is there some sort of antidote or some sort of poison
so that i can get rid of u once and for all?
sadly even if the antidote or poison was taken,
the very next moment i stop taking it
u come back alive and kicking,
and even stronger than before.

i hate you.
but i can't help but to live together with you.
is this hatred mutual?
does it even matter?

let us be nice and friendly to each other.
pls try not to overwhelm me
not only late into the night,
but at this very moment too.

为什么人的一生必须经历痛苦呢？
难道就没有办法避免伤痛？
再怎么想尽办法加以呵护，
最终还是无法避免。。。

痛苦是为了使自己变得更坚强。
雨后会出现彩虹。
所以请你继续加油！
不要放弃！
我会在你背后默默的支持你。














such nice weather out there... makes me feel like going for a nice sun tan or a swim... ahhhh!

i'm surprised i never posted these lyrics... it's my favourite song since jc1... it's now my sms ringtone... ^^












Eternal Snow
Changin' My Life

君を好きになって　どれくらい経つのかナ？
気持ち　膨らんでゆくばかりで
君は　この思い気付いているのかナ？
一度も言葉には　してないけど

雪のように　ただ静かに
降り積もり　つづけてゆく

Hold me tight　こんな思いなら
誰かを好きになる気持ち
知りたく　なかったよ
I love you　涙止まらない
こんなんじゃ　君のこと
知らずにいれば　良かったよ

君をいつまで　思っているのかナ？
ため息が窓ガラス　曇らせた

揺れる心　灯すキャンドルで
今　溶かして　ゆけないかナ？

Hold me tight　折れるほど強く
木枯らし　吹雪に出会っても
寒くないようにと
I miss you　君を思うたび
編みかけの　このマフラー
今夜も一人　抱きしめるよ

永遠に降る雪があるなら
君へと続くこの思い　隠せるのかナ？

Hold me tight　こんな思いなら
誰かを好きになる気持ち
知りたく　なかったよ
I love you　胸に込み上げる
冬空に叫びたい
今すぐ君に　会いたいよ













is it ok to be so happy? sometimes i wonder if god (if he exists) will take away my feeling of happiness if he sense i'm so happy... it's not like something really good happened to me... but i dunno... feels like some sort of roller coaster ride haha~

people are greedy by nature. i'm afraid i'll become greedy after all the "good" things that happened... i want to immerse myself in all these wonderful things... but can i really do that? what will be ahead in the near future? i'm scared that i'll become greedy, and then all these great things that happened so far would just disappear... haha am i just being ridiculous?

back to what i said before... no matter what happens, just face it bah.
people need a certain level of pain before they can create art pieces of certain substance.
so yes, if pain is coming i welcome you with open arms.
but for now, let me just enjoy happiness.

yet another start of a new day.
start of yet another day that i must go through alone.

don't run away from it anymore.
jiayou qy!

i feel pretty guilty for having the thought of prematurely quitting work.
no matter how tough things are, hang in there!
even if it's unbearable... it's for the sake of money yah?
jiayous.

i hate it when the night falls...
i hate myself for faltering.
i hate it when my body isn't feeling well...
なかないで。ねえ~
i wish i'm stronger...
i will be stronger.
i am stronger.

it doesn't matter anymore right?

hang in there... u'll make it.

jiayou qy...

i hate it when i feel unwell... stupid stomachache...

but to look on the brighter side of life...

darling psp! here i come!!! ^^

muahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

i finally got my psp! woohoo~~

now the only problem is... what nice games are there for me to play... hehes!













思考完毕。
加油庆瑜！

不见了。
飞走了。
悬挂在半空的心像断了线的风筝
消失在无边无际的天空里。。。





这样也好。
这样我就不会了解心痛是什么。
也不会想要封闭自己、或有自杀念头。
我撑得住吗？





只能说。。。命运爱作弄人。
虽然回忆还是美的，
最终还是得回到原点。
不是我不明白，
我想我比任何人都明白吧。
所以只能嘲笑自己的天真。

只能祈求
以前的事情不会再发生。
千万不要让三年前的事再发生。
我还有多少个三年？
请不要再封闭自己。
请学习如何放手。
请不要再逃避。
请不要寻死。

别再伤害自己。
不要过于自责。
谁都没有错！
请记得当初最美的梦，
不要沉浸在失落当中。
外面的天空还是那么美丽。
大雨过后还是会出现彩虹。
直到那时，请继续好好活下去。













我的心情就像收音机现在所播的歌一样。

不痛。

就让我带着我的骄傲高飞远走。

加油 何庆瑜！

it feels so empty.
it's like i'm talking to people now... but why does it still feel empty inside?
all meaningless talk... though it's not like i don't like those that's talking to me now...
but still...


多希望能把心挖出来。
这样就不会有任何感觉。
有时会问自己，干吗要做这种事？
我的尊严在哪里？
可是回过头来，
我究竟放得下吗？
舍得放下吗？
或许我需要多一点时间好好想一想
最重要的或许不只是别人的快乐。
或许我也得维持自己活着的尊严。



had another tiring day at work... i never thought people could be so unfriendly when it deals with their livelihood... heard people quarreling over their overdue pay... though i understand the procedure accounts side have to undergo before they can release payment to the workers, but sometimes the workers really need the money desperately...

i know all these, but i'm still stunned at the way people argue to get their way...

maybe i just need to harden myself more and be tougher to this kind of hostility bahs.

我不要再做便利贴女孩。
我要为自己而活。
我要抓住自己的每一份每一秒，
抓住自己的快乐。
（只要它不是建立在被人的痛苦上）
但痛苦，却是无所不在，生活中难免的。
每天都有人伤害他人，受到伤害。
我也该学习如何放开对自己的约束吗？













过去的我实在太没有尊严了。
昨天与好友谈过后我才恍然大悟。
何必抓着过去不放？
人家明明拼命把我甩开，
我却跪在地上紧抓着他的裤脚，
不肯放手。
我的尊严跑到哪？

不要再做便利贴女孩了，
要懂得为自己而活。
人家不断伤害自己，
难道就一声不吭继续让人家伤害吗？

过去的伤害就不提了。
现在就不要再让他人伤害自己的心。













我最想要的东西又是什么呢？
我希望大家都能快乐幸福，自己也能一样。
但这些小心愿往往都是相冲的。
此时，他人的幸福比自己的重要吗？
为什么要牺牲自己的幸福成全别人？

有些时候要往更广的方面去想。
有时自私会让更多人受伤害。
所以我会选择别人幸福。
至少这样只有自己难受。

可是不！我知道这样是不对的。
为什么要让自己受委屈？

我也不知道。
或许就是因为我就是我。
或许有一天我能改变自己的想法，
解开自己对自己的约束。。。













我希望大家都会快乐。
这也包括你在内。
我们大家都要加油！
好好想清楚如何守护对我们最重要的东西。
不必在乎他人的想法。
everybody is for themselves.
长久下去没有人会记得当初谁对谁错。
最重要的还是对得起自己吧。
还有自己的快乐要自己争取。
好好想想什么才是最重要的吧。
不论未来怎么样，
大家最终都会尊重彼此的选择。

加油加油加油！

just when i thought i had cleared the mess in my head, another was on the way.

i knew i had to face it sooner or later probably. but maybe i just didn't want to face it today after all the big decisions i decided to make.

i don't know if i should reject you straight in the face. if things didn't happen i wouldn't... but right now, i'm afraid if i didn't reject you, i'll probably be making use of you. but listening to you talk about things so enthusiastically, i didn't want to dampen your spirits. afterall, we haven't been able to talk like that for half a year.

why is life so damn complicated?













冷静冷静。

after bathing, the result is clear.
still the same.
sit back and observe.

jiayou qing yu.

我的快乐
歌手：锦绣二重唱

爱了坏了走了 错了哭了痛了
累了倦了哭了 烦的乱的冷的 都是真的

疯的想的念的 不安的焦虑的
浮躁的梦过的 拥有的失去的 怎么忘呢

你坐过的沙发困了 你爱的音乐停了
我等着你等成了摆设

我的你的他的 好的坏的难的
灰的蓝的黄的 酸的苦的甜的 都还记得

非常想要忘的 绝对不能忘的
我想要还你的 真得不想要了 只得封了

环岛的火车 载着我第几天了
忽然发现这一刻我不想你了

我的快乐 会回来的
只要清楚曾爱得那么深刻 不追问值不值得
我的快乐 会回来的
离开不是谁给了谁的选择
（离开不是你给了我的选择）














haha disclaimer : this song is not a reflection of my feelings ^^

i want to sing! and 锦绣二重唱 is like so damn zai!!!! TTnTT i wanna sing as well as they do! haha ^^

i couldn't sleep well last night. maybe there was just too many thoughts swimming in my subconscious that i couldn't rest properly bahh...












每个人都有追求幸福的权力吧。看到我身旁的好友终于交到男友，真是替她们感到高兴。^^看他们都那么努力，我衷心地祈求她们幸福。

那我呢？我的幸福在哪里呢？

或许，幸福根本就不属于我。^^

但我却还想抓住这个幸福的感觉，就算是痛苦也无所谓。













我不想成为别人的困扰，也不希望他们担心。
答应过你们的事，我会尽力去做。
我不会哭，因为我答应过你们我会快乐。
就算痛苦我也会用笑脸去迎接。
我衷心地祝福你们得到自己的幸福。
并祈求上天能让我守护他们的幸福。

我现在的心非常平静。
我明白有些事该划清界限。
之前一直分不清，所带给你的困扰我非常抱歉。
（虽然我知道你不希望我说对不起）
我想制造美丽的回忆，不想带给彼此痛苦。
所以我会慢慢调试我的心，不要为难你。
希望我们都能找到属于我们的幸福！
加油 何庆瑜！你也要加油喔！













不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有。
don't think so much, just live for the moment bah.
(opps that's like so anticlimax and off... haha!)

i never thought i'll have to face it again.
i thought i had already conquered it.
never did i know it was already back,
slowly eating into the depths of my heart.













there are so many things i wanna pen down... but somehow i'm speechless wordless at the moment.

i hate it when i'm alone with my thoughts. they tend to wander and become irritatingly pessimistic when i'm trying to keep myself afloat... should i give up? should i cling onto some hope? these thoughts shouldn't exist in me now... or so i hoped. yet when i was left alone for an hour or so these thoughts just invaded my conscious... and i hate it. didn't i promise not to give up so easily? could i choose not to give up so easily in my current circumstances?

i was so happy moments ago. i was happy with my new possessions... 2 pairs of shoes (finally!) and like 20 manga books... all to help me kill time and stop me from thinking too much. in the end? haha sometimes it feels like mockery.

pls dun give up. 加油 何庆瑜！













work starting in about an hour's time... wish me luck! ^^

感觉。。。好遥远。

明明将会是两个不同世界的人，
却想设法让两个世界有相碰。
或许根本就不该强求？
就让彼此越飘越远。。。













i guess i'm just being troubled by the immense possibilities our future might have for us... be it happiness or sorrow. the future is something so... unpredictable. it's like a path ahead that's shrouded in darkness...

i can pretend to be optimistic... i can promise that we'll meet after everything's over. but i may not keep my promise. deep down that cynical and negative thought that we're fundamentally 2 totally different people still exists despite how much i try to hide... there's nothing wrong with being different, it's more like we exist in totally different worlds... why bother so hard to try to come together then? i feel i shouldn't be selfish to try bend u to enter my world isn't it...

i suppose the coward in me just refuses to go...

i dunno how to feel right now... am i happy? or sad? i shouldn't be expecting anything right? will we still keep in contact after all this? will we exist in each other's future? should i even be hopeful about that?

maybe i shouldn't. expectations give rise to disappointment when hopes are dashed. but i suppose we're all humans, with a certain weakness in our hearts *oh well i suppose i do have a lot of weakness in my heart haha* if possible, i would like to cling onto even a glimmer of hope i suppose. it feels stupid imo atm... =X













there are just so many things that i want to learn. like how to be better at presentations, how to manage my time properly, how to control my emotions better, how to mask my feelings better, how to be a better host to others, how to open myself up more, how to handle fatigue and so much more. but i wonder if i'm just being too greedy to want to know all these skills...

i wish i could be someone better at handling responsibilities too... and i wish i could smile more instead of trapping myself in the depths of my mind. can i really do that? do i have the strength in my character to achieve that?

to a certain extent i wish i could be more tolerant too. and to be someone that doesn't bring trouble to others.

too many things, too little time to learn. i feel like i've already been left behind by the rest who had not shut themselves up like i did for 2-3 years or so... would i be able to catch up with them?













haha enough emo-ing for the night le bah... =X

我从头到尾都不能、也不可以有所期待。
所以只能时时刻刻地提醒自己要懂得知足。













no expectations = no disappointment. actually i don't even know wad's wrong with me... it's not like i'm expecting anything but yet i'd still feel... not good... when it happens. i wonder what this means... haha!

learn to take things in ur stride bah qy...

am currently very tired due to overnight ktv yesterday plus school n pain ball session n company dinner... at the company dinner we agreed unanimously that the most important skills at workplace was people and communication skills... and i think after my 6 months here in shanghai, i have yet to know them yet! jialats how??? lol. i wonder if there's someway for me to learn it proper... =X

presentation tomorrow! but too tired now to do anything... just feel like stoning and rotting... and opening up my bottle of alcohol in my fridge right now...

thankies dear... u never fail to make me laugh ^^

but i wonder... if i was able to make you laugh with my emails! i hope i do... =))

i miss u gals loads...

如果有一天你遇到困难，而我不在你身旁支持你鼓励你，
我不是故意的。

那或许只是流星的本性，无法一直待在你身旁，
因为它总是来无踪去无影。













hangzhou trip was fun! but it left me thinking a lot cos of what edwin said to me on our train trip back...

now that i have some time alone, it's time to think deep about what i want to be. and who i want to be. the me before all the shit happened, or the me right now. or maybe somewhere in between...

to go back to the me before meant recognizing the fact that there are still people that can be trusted in the world... there's nothing wrong with that, it just meant i was really unlucky to have met those whom i placed my trust in the wrong hands for so many times. can people really be trusted? afterall, everybody's for themselves... who knows when they'll turn around and backstab others when an advantage is placed in front of their eyes if they did that... if there's nothing wrong trusting others, then why did all those things happen in the first place? does it then mean i was too gullible to believe in others, to let myself be made use of by others? then in that case, wouldn't it be easier if i stick to the me now, to stop believing in others and stand alone, and not to seek help from others?

but no, being the current me is painful too. there are definitely people worth trusting i hope... but it's so hard to let go of your fears and suspicion isn't it... fear that you made the wrong "judgment" on the person whom you thought you could trust. fear of being backstabbed by those you love and care about... if i were to open myself up now and get involved in this kind of incidents again, i can't tell whether i'll still be able to stand up and face the world for the rest of my life... ok maybe that sounds really dramatic, but i guess i might not be able to handle it on my own anymore...

i stopped crying... but i didn't realize i did collapse (despite how i tried to act normal and stuff) after all the things that piled up in my heart for so many years... i didn't realize this until that talk with edwin n co... i tot i was pretty ok handling those matters myself, by shutting myself from the rest of the world... in the end it was more like self hurt... i think i might have mentioned this before... while i condemn those who cut and hurt themselves physically as a form of release and escape when they meet with difficulties, i myself constantly hurt and injure my heart and soul... first by denying myself of the right to seek happiness... so i stopped eating the food i loved like ice cream n stuff... i stopped laughing and smiling... sounds lame right? and then i shun away from the company of people i loved... hurting both them and myself in the process... i know all these but still i went on despite the fact how i didn't want to hurt anybody at all... so in the end i was probably more hurt than anyone... haha i dun think anybody would believe that bah!

i know i'm too gullible... too soft-hearted too naive... that's y i shut myself from the world and refused to listen to what the external world has to tell me... it goes against my nature... goes against my fear of loneliness... so by shutting myself away i "conquered" my fear of being alone... and i avoided my fear of being hurt by others. but this is all wrong isn't it? it seems more like just running away from the crux of the problem...

which idiot would expose their own weaknesses for others to exploit? me. so i'm at fault for letting others know my weakness so they can exploit isn't it. this goes back to the idea of opening up or shutting myself in... maybe i'm not a person who can keep a lot of secrets about myself, except those really dark secrets bah! so i would blurt out my own weaknesses... i don't know... if this is a good or bad point about myself...

haha it's an irony... edwin asked me so who is it that i love right now? i replied, the person i love most is myself, cos this is my way of protecting myself. but then again, do i really love myself? i can't accept myself for who i am currently or in the past. i can only see all my bad points and right now i suppress my so called "good" points. this makes me someone with absolutely no plus points, but only bad points. i keep thinking... if this is the case, since i have so many bad points and no good points, others wouldn't think of coming to take advantage of me, cos they can't stand being around me bah! but then again this is self inflicted pain on my part... cos i'm not the real me?

haha then what is the true me?

after going one big round... we're back at square one.

i can't say i can trust people easily now... there's still a certain level of mistrust within me, but once i get the impression that i can trust that person, i'll give that person almost 100% of trust. which is probably stupid, since impressions might not be accurate according to past experience. crux of problem lies with judging how much to open to others bah... i feel that since i came to shanghai, i smiled more and opened myself a little bit more... but only to those i met here at gip... i still can't throw away that mistrust i have towards those i already know... on one hand, it's like... why should i throw away that feeling of mistrust since it's already there and it can protect myself from possible hurt? on the other hand i'm like trying to convince myself... it's ok, although they might hurt you in the future, it's going to be alright. but the fear of getting hurt steps in and i get stuck in the former mindset.

i so wanted to just disappear quietly after the entire gip trip... haha. but sadly, there are those people who i managed to let them step into my life i suppose... should i leave them after i go back? haha... back to square one... back to all those shitty decisions i made before. painful decisions har? lol~ no... i'm telling myself no, i shouldn't do that... but what for? we're only close at this point in time cos we're all alone in a distant land away from home... once we go back we'll be back in our lives before we came to shanghai... back to lives without each other isn't it. i shouldn't be selfish as to disturb their lives isn't it... haha~

that's such a selfish thought. relationships take 2 hands to clap. if you abandon the friend when he/she didn't do so, the other party would be hurt... and it's like you never asked for their opinion on this issue... it's so one-sided. and i hate one-sided r/s isn't it. shouldn't u stay by the friend unless they choose to abandon first or something? at least you tried to keep the friendship alive...

but then again... what for? why try so hard? sometimes things might be meant to be so... and while u try hard to keep the friendship, the other party might just want to terminate the friendship contract (in elton's words haha)... or the other party simply stays in the friendship hoping that he/she can gain something out of it... like asking for academic favours n stuff...

aha. mistrust coming out again le hor... tsk tsk tsk...

i do want to trust people again, i really do! but it's really hard to throw away your past isn't it...

and this is the kind of stuff that can't be resolved by just crying it out.

everybody is for themselves.

yeah... thanks for reminding me... ^^

yups. there's nothing to fear but fear itself.

jiayou qing yu.

i tried to go back to the cheerful and more helpful me.
i guess this just makes others more suspicious of my "motives".
if i were them i'll probably do that too.
so maybe it's better to stay cold and frozen in my own world.

joanne's going back to sg tomorrow (more accurately, it's today since it's past midnight)... a little envious of her though i could tell she doesn't really want to go back so early... i wonder if we'll remember each other after gip... but... like wad elton says, friendship's over after gip... although i dun want to think of it this way... but then again...

it's really strange. somehow there's this nudging feeling that i don't want to stay close to some of the people i know that i'm pretty close to at the moment, as though i wish the friendship contract would expire the moment gip ends...

nonononono! i dun wan things to go this way... one voice in my head tells me that, but then the darker side of me tells me otherwise...












should i shift my blog? haha i've asked myself this question upteenth times le bah! a while ago i was like scrutinizing some of my other friends who changed their blog address and i wasn't aware... i was like... why change blog address! to avoid other pple u dun wan to see? funny now i feel like doing this too... maybe i dun like the way others can see my thoughts so clearly bahs...

i think i'm a very simple and easy-to-figure-out person... (though there are people who somehow cannot tell what i'm exactly thinking... leaving me puzzled as to why haha!) so.. maybe it's safer to keep a distance to others bah...

so tireds...







played bball with my schoolmates in school today... saw two of them who played bball like 2 people who were rather important to me in the past. feelings of guilt swept past me as i recall about the things i've been through with them and yet i couldn't and cannot stay close to them now...

one of them... was my ex. strangely, my company mate plays in a style so similar to him that it's so unbelievable... haha~ i revisited my memories of my ex... but it stays there. it has to. no point dwelling over something that's over for so long... but still, a certain wave of sadness kind of overwhelmed me as i watched my companymate play...

the other... was a friend i turned my back on due to stupid reasons... the guy that i knew here in shanghai has the same initial as my friend, they have almost the same build, similar hairstyle, and they play bball in similar fashion! lol~ but then i felt guilty... over the stupid things i did in the past to my friend which made him so hurt... and i wasn't a good friend and i wasn't there for him when he needed me... now that he's out of the shit i left him in, it's practically impossible to go back to the way things were before... not that i'm upset or i really really want to go back to the things that it was previously, it's more like... a pity that things turned out this way...

alright! let's leave our sorrow and sadness here. stop thinking back about things u dun have control over! start thinking about what you can do to salvage/make things better!

hi my best friend. u're back...






it's ok, i was used to it.
i'm alright with the way it is now.
dun worry, things would just go back to the way it was before.

i miss those naive and innocent days.

these days time and events have polluted me so much until things i'd show concern to... i no longer want to or have the power to. like those people whom i was once close to... they've all moved on in their lives, and i didn't or couldn't keep in contact with them, so it makes showing concern a little weird and out of place. and then there were those whom... i can't really come to resolve the conflict within myself... those who hurt me... on purpose or unintentionally... sometimes i want to show concern but then i'll step back and ask myself. why do that? they hurt me last time...

it's really difficult to let go of the past isn't it.














就是因为受过伤，难过了那么久，所以更不想再受伤。
就是因为哭过，擦干泪后，再也不想失去笑容。
而笑容又是什么？不哭了，就是笑容吗？
我还有幸福的权利吗？那你呢？

不想在受到伤害，所以想武装自己。
用眼泪洗过了自己，想要强化软弱的心。
朋友与朋友之间，此时可能对你很好；
下一秒却可能利用你背叛你伤害你。
为了避免这些未知的伤，或许避开比较好。

静止的时间，是否已经开始移动？
曾溶解的心，是否又会再次冻结?

最后，我会忘记回忆，忘记珍惜。
不再懂得坚持，只懂得放弃。









好悲哀的一生。

我试图舍弃这些悲观的念头，但怎么也甩不掉。

生命有一种绝对
五月天

如果我不曾走过这一遍
生命中还有多少苦和甜美
那风中的歌声孤单哽咽的声音是谁
回忆中那个少年为何依然不停的追

想要征服的世界始终都没有改变
那地上无声蒸发我的泪
黑暗中期待光线生命有一种绝对
等待我请等待我
直到约定融化成笑颜

那生命灿烂烟火般上演
你和我最后都要回归地平线
那留下的足迹浪花冲走回忆海岸线
靠近我再拥抱我
请不要让我的心冷却

想要征服的世界始终都没有改变
那地上无声蒸发我的泪
黑暗中期待光线生命有一种绝对
等待我请等待我
直到约定融化成笑颜

想要征服的世界始终都没有改变
那地上无声蒸发我的泪
黑暗中期待光线生命有一种绝对
等待我请等待我
靠近我再拥抱我
不要走请不要走
直到约定融化成笑颜
直到我看见生命的绝对



















生命中的绝对到底是什么呢？我不太明白。或许，永远都无法明白。













朋友遇到先所谓有的难关，我却无法在他身边陪着他，给与他支持。这已经不是第一次，我的内心却依然无法原谅远在他乡的自己。要是我还在的话，就能更直接地给他帮助。现在的我是那么遥远，我到底能为他做些什么呢？

只能保持微笑吧。希望微笑能成为他的支撑，能够给他些许力量度过这个难关。

我要让你知道，有许多人都很关心你，相信你都感受得到。你要好好照顾自己，我无法在你身边确认你是否都有吃三餐，就算不是为了自己，就当作是为了那些关心你的人吧！不要封闭自己的心，我随时都愿意听你诉说你的状况。加油！我希望在我回去时，能看到事情发生前的你。。。














在得到消息前，我还在为自己琐碎的事情而烦恼。现在回想起来，那些事怎能与朋友遇难的事来得困难呢?

我决定了，放手也是一种快乐。有时候，喜欢并不一定要拥有吧。虽然知足的快乐或许会叫我忍受心痛，但这样是最好的办法了吧。以后会怎样，到时候再说吧。或许会以泪水洗面，但这就算是我的赌注吧。
















有个人告诉我，不论是喜欢，或是爱情，都不要轻易放弃。这正是我以前所拥有的精神！但看看结果，或许当时的我不要那么坚持，接下来的日子会过得好多了。现在也如此吧。我已不再想再让心灵受再多的创伤。还是保持沉默好了吧，简简单单地过这一生，也不赖吧。就这样，一声不响地离开这个世界吧。












朋友！我们都要加油！不要败给命运，继续奋斗！这才是我们真正的精神！

yet another day of mayday song lyrics!!!













知足
五月天

怎麼去拥有一道彩虹
怎麼去拥抱一夏天的风
天上的星星笑地上的人
总是不能懂不能知道足够

如果我爱上你的笑容
要怎麼收藏要怎麼拥有
如果你快乐不是为我
会不会放手其实才是拥有

当一阵风吹来风筝飞上天空
为了你而祈祷而祝福而感动
终於你身影 消失在人海尽头
才发现 笑著哭 最痛

那天你和我那个山丘
那样的唱著那一年的歌
那样的回忆那麼足够
足够我天天都品嚐著寂寞

当一阵风吹来风筝飞上天空
为了你而祈祷而祝福 而感动
终於你身影消失在人海尽头
才发现 笑著哭 最痛

如果我爱上你的笑容
要怎麼收藏要怎麼拥有
如果你快乐不是为我
会不会放手其实才是拥有

知足的快乐叫我忍受心痛
知足的快乐叫我忍受心痛

武装
五月天

我 忘了珍惜 忘了回忆
摔坏心爱的玩具
我 学着远离 学着放弃
学着再没有回忆
天空的城 在解体
爱过
所以特别 的伤心

我 忘了珍惜 忘了回忆
摔坏心爱的玩具
我 学着远离 学着放弃
学着再没有回忆
天空的城 在解体
爱过
所以特别 的伤心

最后我开始武装自己
用眼泪 洗过自己
最后我开始武装自己
要强化 软弱的心
最后我开始武装自己
有名字 没有个性
最后我开始武装自己
我活着 用我的逻辑

我 收藏恐惧 爱上恐惧
那就再没有恐惧
谁 要我忍受 给我生命
是谁给了我血液
流出身体 的声音
还你
我不稀罕 的东西

最后我开始武装自己
用眼泪 洗过自己
最后我开始武装自己
要强化 软弱的心
最后我开始武装自己
有名字 没有个性
最后我开始武装自己
我活着 杀出我命运

最后我开始武装自己

mayday! mayday!! mayday!!!

opps sorry i'm still pretty caught up with my mayday fever... so here's a few songs that keeps going on in repeat mode in my head...













超人
曲：冠佑/阿信 词：阿信

世界如果被残酷攻击 只要给我一个电话亭
把内裤当外衣 如果你能够开心 展开披风 带你飞行

谁赐予我这一身 无助的能力
神也不能阻挡 你想离开的心

为什么拯救地球 是那么容易
为什么束手无策啊 我和你的爱情
为什么我能飞天 也能够遁地
为什么我却没办法 长驱直入 你的心

曾经你赞美我手臂 逛街多能提 日日夜夜贴身保护你
最凶狠的怪兽 也不能与我为敌 那为何害怕你的泪滴

你给了我这一幕 难堪的结局
谁要这样超人 连自己也救不起

为什么拯救地球 是那么容易
为什么束手无策啊 我和你的爱情
为什么拯救地球 终于完美结局
为什么 我只能够 眼看着爱燃烧成 灰烬

世界如果被残酷攻击 谁来接手我的超能力













i keep coming face to face with problems i've seemed to solve, but nevertheless it is still inherent and silently bothering me... it has already been over for such a long time, yet i'm still pretty bothered by it... i never really knew where went wrong... could it be that the fault never truly lie with me? but i could never come to that conclusion within myself. i keep thinking i had some part to do with the outcome of events, and probably as a result, i could never let go of it fully.

the feeling of helplessness... of how i had totally no control over the events that happened between you and me... i could do any other things fine, just this. i'm no superman (or superwoman), i can't save the world, and i don't know if i have even the power to make a minute change in the world.... but i did believe there were things i could do... like helping those people around me, to try and bring happiness to those around me... until that happened, leaving my confidence totally shattered. i turned myself into a hermit... all for what? all for how i couldn't stop the flow of events...

and even now... things still didn't really change. no matter how hard i try, i guess i just couldn't do anything about this issue. someone thought he wasn't serious as i was, and totally couldn't be bothered with me now. was i wrong? was it something that i did? or was i too irritating? i don't know... yet others tell me i'm alright. the feeling of helplessness just kept rising as i continuously tried to suppress it...

why dwell on things that i have no control over? it's just a small event in life, in another 10 years or so i would probably be happily living in a world that has totally no connection with the things that happened. i've already wasted 3-5 years on this entire damn thing... why can't i just let go of it totally and never let it come back to bother me again?













i want myself back.

sometimes... i wonder... wad does it mean to be sociable? does it mean always hanging out with your clique, going for all activities organized by the clique? or does it mean screaming out ur existence with loads of funny comments, disturbing pple and stuff like that?

i suppose i never managed to learn one thing -- how to trust others. well, not to say i trust myself in the first place either! haha~ or maybe the more accurate way of putting it is... how to trust others on issues i should place my trust on. i'm so damn gullible, believing all the little comments others claim... and yet i can't seem to trust how others would value my voice, my opinion, or even my existence. i dun trust how others might enjoy my presence... i don't trust how i can bring joy to others around me...

no one can expect the entire world to like themselves. me neither... but if u don't like me, i can tell u frankly... i don't like myself either.

















change. that is something i desire... probably... but perhaps some things are so inherent within me that i don't know how to change for the better... sometimes i thought i had changed, but after one big round around the bush, i'm back to square one. hahaha. i feel so damn stupid.













on a more cheerful tone... i attended my first live concert! though it was a really stressful experience for me probably... i waited for my friends at the wrong mrt station, and the china mobile network seriously sux... i couldn't make any calls to my friends then... so originally i was 1 hour early, i ended up meeting with my friends 45 mins late... and we were almost late for the concert itself! rawrs~ i'm so sorry to those who went to the mayday concert together with me... but i had a great time then! thankews guys ^^

feeling really tired.... but there are so many things waiting for me to do... like to bake chocolate cake in a half chocked toilet... ok opps that doesn't sound good on a clean blog like mine right? haha... reports waiting for me... haiz. too much stuff, too little time~~~

time to develop feelings with my trusty toilet bowl!!!




ps. this is my 501th post!

孤单 是一个人的狂欢
狂欢 是一群人的孤单












i thought i had conquered it for a long time... never did i expect to come face to face with it again. face to face with my best friend again. what irony...

i really enjoy the company i get here... it's really fun cam-whoring during outings, going out to shop, buy groceries n stuff... it's great to have people whom i can relate to and understand pretty well... and to be crazy with... like doing all those crazy singing screaming jumping and dancing in ktvs... but...

i'm afraid of getting too attached to others... i'm afraid of becoming scared of being lonely again... once i have gotten so used to others around me, when i get back to my previous lifestyle of solitude (probably) i wouldn't be able to stand or tolerate the loneliness left behind...

i wonder what made me know how feeling lonely is like again...

and i wonder... if others feel the same way as i do...

i suppose, there are just some things that does not change with distance. perhaps i'm just being naive like i always do... or even childish (even a kid called me "a kid" today... omg~ haha) but i suppose, no matter where you are, what you do, your family is always behind you, "secretly" supporting you...

i accidentally stumbled across a pretty old blog post... i was feeling really down, and reading that post made my tears roll down my cheeks... i'm really glad i can make you feel this way... and i didn't know i could do this... ^^ haha funny i think about that post my tears will accumulate in my eyes... really thanks =)) i very touched =))













alcohol really doesn't help one feel better... ok maybe during the moment when u're high from the spirits, but after that, u're back stuck in that fix u left previously, or u might feel even worse (from the hangover maybe? haha) strangely, i found myself having the desire to drown whatever that was bothering me with alcoholic drinks that wouldn't make me drunk... bailey's is sitting in front of me without milk... i'm like dying to open up that bottle to just drink straight from it... and probably die from alcohol overdose or something... hahahahaha

this is just another vicious cycle that only makes one feel worse... especially in your pockets.

sometimes i wonder... why do i feel the way i do? sometimes in afterthought, i wonder why i had done certain things at that point in time... i felt stupid doing them, knowing that there's no point probably in doing them...

am i just being over-sensitive?

i was a little happy some time back when i received an email from someone i didn't expect. not that it was the kinds of email i exchange with my really close friends to catch up on each other, it's just some forwarded email. but, i was still happy. it showed that that person remembered me. though later it turned out to be some sort of spam mail, it still kinda made my day. weird har? even now i don't understand why i felt this way. and i replied to that mail (stupidly)... but i suppose i wouldn't get a reply haha... we're probably just acquaintances, and thus it'll be weird if either one of us reply to each other anyway hahaha~ now i just laugh at how stupid i was... lol~

and maybe i'm really too mimosa as how one of my housemates usually puts it... i got quite... put off when someone whom i've kinda "argued" with... sorta "suan" me with a mail i forwarded which turned out to be a spam mail... i dunno whether i'm just being oversensitive or not, i hope i am... but it still didn't feel good, cos i tot that person was someone who knew me pretty well... or maybe distance does change a lot of things... i don't know anything anymore...

ok below is just some of my inner thoughts... it doesn't mean that i'm suffering here in shanghai... of course everyone will have their own problems with their life wherever they are, but when pple back in singapore ask me how am i, of course i'll reply, i'm doing great! wad else can i say? complain how i'm unused to life here in shanghai? i wouldn't want others to worry about me, but it seems like everybody is under the impression that i'm in shanghai to play, enjoy life and not to work at all. i repeat, everybody has their own problems, just whether they want to emphasize it to others or not. but i do admit, i have my share of play too... and enjoying life... but it's too sweeping a statement to just say i'm here only for that...

haha this brings to mind what another one of my housemates posed to me as a question today... so, do you suppress your true self to others usually? i wonder... haha.

i suppose so... lol.

wad's really bothering me is, why am i suppressing myself in front of someone whom i consider a pretty close friend?














i guess i just had a really tough day today...

i might be going to the mayday concert live in shanghai at the end of april!!! kinda excited cos it's my first live concert if i'm going for it... but then again, i'm a little poor... and i wanna buy a nikey jacket! jialats... that's like 2/3 of my pay gone already if i'm going to spend on these things, and there's still my shopping trip this coming friday, a visit to peach blossom garden which costs approximately 100rmb this sunday... arrgh! why dun i have some rich boyfriend in shanghai??!!! o.O

haha i suppose this is just a sign of lack of sleep =)) good nite, world...

it's been quite some time since i last posted... so here's a slight update!

saturday... i had school in the morning which turned out rather boring... i ended up having a terrible headache that lasted the entire day... after school me n my housemates n classmates went to 七宝古镇 which has a lot of old buildings... photos ah... lazy to upload at the moment haha! but it was quite fun taking pictures like tourists as usual...

yeaps... ehhhhhhh i shall update again soon haha! time to play game! hehes~

我们是如此的亲近，却又如此遥远。

明明就在彼此旁边，但却不了解彼此内心深处。

同在他乡，同在一屋檐下。。。

我们赶走了寂静，却赶不走寂寞。













it seems like it's been a long time since i last gave a lot of thought about the things around me... i feel a little out of touch with my soul frankly speaking... been out working (i can't say hard hehes~) at my attachment company, and i just started school last week... my sprained ankle is finally on the last lap to recovery (that sounds a little wrong... lap... hahaha!) and i miss exercising...

haven't really been in contact with pple in sg but i miss u guys... i know my fellow tcm friends (pansy n yc) just had their exam and their CA is up on thurs, and i guess everyone else is busy with their own lives... well i'm not excluded from the list of busy people either, but probably cos i took the time off today to slack a little (the entire day -- at work, and after work... haha!) so i had quite a lot of thoughts...

i wonder if i care about things a little too much... am i just taking things too seriously? sometimes i feel as though others are prying into my little universe... this reminds me... one of the teachers mentioned this quote from a philosopher... 每个人都是一个世界... so i'm like stuck in my little world.. while others mingle around and mix with each others world, i'm like a little china, closing my doors to other worlds beyond my own. ok that sounds like a funny way to put it... and china is indeed slowly opening her doors... hmmmms.

but ahh, in yc's favourite term(s), wadeva. it feels tiring if one has to be on guard every day every moment to stop others from stepping too much into one's private space. how to resolve such a problem? either cut off contact from the others so to speak, or to enlarge one's public space? that's just 2 solutions i can see for now. oh yes, and maybe to build a even higher wall around one's own private world to stop others from "intruding"? all these aren't the solutions i'm looking for probably. i'm probably too lazy to do either of the three... but it makes me wonder what exactly is wrong with me...

and then there's the money issue. all those around me (except those from my household) seem to have endless cash with them and to me, they're like squandering all their money while i'm trying very hard to save money... i wonder where they get their money from! and they keep asking me to eat (expensive) things out with them... sometimes i feel bad when i keep rejecting them, but to me, saving money >> eating expensive food despite the company i'll get... i wonder if the choices i make are right... but then again, there's no right or wrong... =X













已经看不清彼此的感受，
因为我们都封闭了我们的心。

where r u when i needed u? >.<

and blogger takes a super long time for me to load, that's y it's almost a month since i last blogged. hope i can be a bit more frequent...

being so distant away from home makes me feel dejected at times... i try hard to talk to my friends in singapore often, but these days whenever i reach home i often feel too tired, or i'm busy with household chores and i seldom have the time to talk to these people in depth... it's not only the first month into me being in foreign lands, and i already feel like giving up trying to remain connected to the friends i left behind...

i fell sick yesterday... had a sore throat and slight fever, but luckily i drank loads of water, orange juice, and took panadol, so today i'm better... or maybe the red wine i drank yesterday at the annual dinner made me feel better...? i don't know haha! but at one point in time when i was stoning on the bus, i had this strange and weird thought : what if i were to die alone in a foreign land? opps that felt so sad man... then i was laughing at my plight... dots. sorry lars u guys have to forgive me... i was trying so hrad to entertain myself...

i feel like such a good girl these days... everyday i wake up at around 530am... wash up eat breakfast, get out of the house at 6.40am, reach company at (the earliest) 720am... else like today i reached on the dot... 8am... shanghai transport seriously is crazy... work work~ until knock off... official timing is 4.45pm, but we usually drag a little trying to wait for each other to finish up our work... then i'll try my best to rush home, earliest at around 6pm... and then wait for the rest of my housemates to reach home so that we can settle dinner together... after that it's tv time, bathe time... applying moisturiser and conditioner and then i go sleep at 10pm (i try ^^) omg. so no life...

but i'm not complaining about my life here that much... it's fun here working in my company... my supervisor is damn zai, and i dunno y he feels like my dad... ? maybe cos both of them are engineers... i kind of chong2 bai4 my supervisor cos he's very sharp and decisive and settles things damn fast... and he's very precise with his words... and his english is not bad! and he's a nice guy. wait why am i singing his praises on my blog. dots... but i'm really happy working on the projects he gave me... i dunno y hahaha~ 1 is to develop a web application for a maintenance records database... at first i thought it shouldn't be too tough, but as more and more requirements come in... i don't think i can complete it in the 3 weeks i originally set it to be... =X but it's really fun... i learn alot about programming imo =) maybe this is one of the reasons why i like my supervisor a lot =)

yesterday i had my company's annual dinner! food was... a lot. it seems like company dinners always involve a lot of food... and alcohol... i drank a little bit of wine... though i could have rejected probably... take it as warm up for my crazy housemates who wanted to chiong martel tonight... heng they decided to push back ah... gives me more time to think of excuses to siam from drinking.. opps! but at the dinner we had quite a lot of "free gift"... had 3 slabs(?) of different types of nian2 gao1... there's red bean, 5 treasures... and the last one i have yet to check haha! then there was this really nice guy who gave us a huge box of chocolates each.. that costs like 100rmb! wah i felt shou4 chong3 ruo4 jing1... but i dun really eat chocolate, so this means they're going to my housemates haha!

performed kit chan's home at the dinner yesterday... felt quite good... cos i haven't sang for like... 2 weeks? opps. last time at home can sing whenever i like... now when i'm here i have to be more conscious... cannot sing as and when i like... even music... i don't dare to on my speakers... so i'm usually musicless... and it's painful for me cos i'm someone who needs music to survive probably... =X but luckily today on my way home i managed to listen to my mp3... and right now no one's in the living room now, so i on my speakers and i'm listening to fahrenheit's new album... well, not all their songs are "wow"~ but some are not bad... gotta give them credit for the hard work they put in =)

to my friends who were waiting for my email replies, i'm sorry i was really busy this week and so my replies are kind of delayed... erms pansy i'll email you once i think of how to solve the maths problem... i don't know why my brain probably froze here cos of the constant wind in shanghai, but that's besides the point... i hope i can get enough rest and personal time this weekend... so that i can do the stuff i need to do... next week is 9 straight working days waiting for me... i'm working on sat and sun too! omg. >.<

alrighty, time to hit my pillows =) hope i can come back to post a little more frequently (that is if the connection decides to be stable enough for me to even enter blogger site ^^)

seriously... shanghai air is waayyyy too polluted... =(

Sometimes i wonder... whether i'm a fishmonger by nature. i can't help but to feel selfish in most occasions that occur when i'm together with my housemates... am i just thinking too much? i feel that we 包容 each other alot... but more of them 包容ing me... and it doesn't feel good to me, cos i'm the kind of person who doesn't like to be in debt to others... not to say that being considerate to others will make that person in debt to you... just that maybe... i don't like to be usually on the receiving end bah... i want to contribute too?

but then again there's the issue of... what if i contribute too much? when someone contributes too much as compared to others... there's the danger of others making use of you... i can't tell whether i'm in this potential danger with my current clique yet... but i can't help but to... be cautious? too many past experience liaos... i couldn't say i enjoy on the giving end most of the time...

so i suppose, as a libra-ian... i'll have to somehow strike a balance between giving and receiving... i feel in debt to my housemates and my friends in shanghai... they really help me a lot, but i don't know whether i'm helping them enough. and i don't know how i can help them... with the little common sense and knowledge i have... and i think i have a really bad habit of spacing out when i'm together with the clique... or rather i might just be too quiet in their clique i suppose... maybe when i'm in huge groups that are close to each other i tend to be more quiet... and let them interact themselves... i don't like to fight for the chance to talk i suppose... *opps trying to find excuse for myself again hahaha*











i'm starting work tml! excited and nervous... and the weather's going to be cold tml too! 2-5 degrees not taking into the wind factor... once there's wind then gone case liaos, most likely below 0 degrees le... today it snowed a little... i hope and hope not it snow... hope cos i have never been to a country that snowed in my life before! hope not cos... it'll be damn cold and i don't know if i'm able to take it! and then... i don't know why... it seems like my fellow ntu collegues are... rather unfriendly? or maybe i was unfriendly to them first... i dunno... it's like we never contact each other to like go to work together or something... but i hope tomorrow when i meet them *i hope*... we can probably mix around and get each others contacts n things like that...

i went shopping today! went to 七浦路 again... i bought 2 leg warmers, a pair of leather gloves, and a long white woolen coat... i hope these can help me fight the cold better! and i'm broke! TTnTT i spent like almost 300rmb just today... *inclusive of meals and other miscellaneous stuff* haiz i must end my princess lifestyle and start my budget life! eat maggie noodles every night! lol i'm joking... the roadside stalls near my apartment sell really cheap food too... probably about the same price as cooking maggie mee haha! so that can be an alternative for my dinner =)

today i learnt how to iron jeans! thanks to kian tong who taught me how... though the 徒弟 abit cannot make it... but at least it doesn't look as crumpled as before... i just pray that no one will stare at my butt area when i wear that pair of jeans cos it's the part i don't know how to iron hahaha~ so that side is crumpled XD

and i washed like... 8 pieces of clothes today! hand wash somemore! sighz now i understand my mum's pain whenever we keep throwing in our jeans to the washing basket when we wear for like 1-2 days only... and i should have brought more clothes that doesn't require handwashing! sighz~

overall these few days had been fun! always going out... i just went for the best steamboat in shanghai plus overnight ktv on friday... for 120rmb = 20+sgd! the food at the steamboat place was not bad... service ok... we had a room to ourselves that night! then i learnt how to suck the bone marrow from the pig bones cos we ordered pig bone soup as our steamboat's soup base =) there's a video taken by my friend's camera but i don't have it with me hahaha~ then ktv was... haha... everybody else very onz when we started at 12midnight... i chui at ard 2am... then when i more alert at around 4... everybody else was asleep by 430pm except me and my 2 other housemates... the ktv room there is like singapore kbox! just that they have big lcd screens! and it seems like singing ktv is more of a family and everybody thing in china as compared to a youngsters-only thing in singapore... which is good imo... cos i love singing and i think everyone should have the chance to sing in ktv too! or rather the environment to sort of like encourage pple not to be shy and just sing in their shower rooms... haha!

alrighty... 10:34pm liaos... time to hit the bed... wish me luck for tml!

heys! surprise!!!

me and my fellow ntu friends found a method to bypass the proxy here in shanghai, so i can actually post my entries on blogger! just that i can't access my blog itself... =( sounds sad haha! but this means... heh. heh. heh.

these few days had been rather tiring for me... been out walking all day long these 3 days... stiff back =( but so far... feel quite productive... cos been buying and settling quite a lot of things!

for now.. let me just post my previous thoughts when i first arrived in shanghai on 6th jan...














06 Jan 2008 10:37pm

Today's my first day here in Shanghai... Been a really cold and tiring day for me... When i first reached shanghai at around 6am in the morning, it was a freaking -1degrees celcius... and i was just wearing a really thin layer of clothes plus my overcoat... it was the first time i experienced "smoke" coming out of my mouth when i spoke out there in the cold...

Spent the rest of the day trying to fix up the basic necessities in our house while fighting with the bitter cold... one moral i learnt today... when u're cold, the best way out is to exercise, like walking to the "nearby" shopping malls or doing some manual work. once u're heated up, even when the wind blows... wad is it man? lmao~ but at the moment now... it's terribly cold until my muscles are starting to ache... and i really wish i don't have to bathe =( we spent like 1k rmb on bedsheets, detergents, quilts etc... and it was ouch for me cos i was the one paying for everything first... tml i have to remember to get back money from them =X it's scary how fast money goes in front of your eyes... and i need to learn how to manage them properly.. 1k sgd plus my monthly 1.5k rmb... i hope i wouldn't have to resort to drawing from atms here... =X

Now... trying desperately to connect to the wireless connection... but failing numerous times... oh well... must wait until the landlord tells us the account id and password... so in the meantime we were trying to tap onto other people's unsecured wireless networks... but of course the shanghainess aren't dumb... so here i am... rather desperate to talk to those people i left in singapore but with no means to do so...

Need to wake up at 6 tml... i wonder if i can do it... i guess i haven't been sleeping proper even before i left for shanghai... and i haven't bathed! =( can i don't bathe pls? the water is freezing cold.. =(

Some other things that left a terrible impression on me... i was targeted by shanghainese for their scams! *already? oh god* there was this old lady who saw me and my room mates buying loads of things and wanted to chalk up the points from our purchases for her shopping card! alright bah... at least so far i can still tell wad they have in mind... i think it's the scariest when you don't know their motives behind approaching you...

But some things *which i don't know whether i'm proud of* is that... probably i resemble the locals in shanghai! several people spoke to me in shanghainese... and even my friends who came together with me commented that the way i dress is as though i'm one of the locals here... er the comments from my friends i don't know how true that really is... but when the locals start speaking to you in their native language i suppose that's a good sign bah.. so yeaps. my next target is to learn shanghainese and pose off as one of the locals here! lmao~

I didn't really take a lot of photos here... but i hope i can do so tomorrow! for now... all i can think of is how to escape from the biting cold and how in the world am i going to go for the gip group meeting tml... and not forgetting how to get to my workplace!

I miss a lot of people from Singapore... Thanks pansy for your muffins! erms actually i haven't got the chance to eat them yet... but they smell really good! i'm saving them for breakfast tml =) and thanks to sheila shianchi and yin for coming to send me off yesterday night! took some really scandalous photos there bwahahahaha~~ and of course my family... darn i wish i have internet today to let them know i'm alright *except for being extremely cold* and all those who wished me bon voyage and to have a safe and fun trip... =) i don't know how to express my gratitude =) and... =)

ok it sounds stupid... but 6 mths to go in shanghai! jiayous! =) *now why am i even counting down the moment i first step into shanghai? o.O*