merry merry christmas n a happy happy new year! wooo~~~ *opens party poppers!*
been looking through my past blog entries... it seems like i'm extremely fond of blogging late at night *since i usually take a darn long time to type out a single entry* so now i'll be a little special and blog at 12 noon lol! what nonsense...
going to be a lightbulb in another 2 hrs time haha... loads of thoughts in my mind now... random stuff mostly... like will i be able to get all the christmas prezzies in time? will things get awkward later? i wanna eat ice cream *LOL!* i like the j pop i'm listening to now... mostly anime songs... i wish the weather will stay cool like this now... feels a little hungry. omg these are really random thoughts! ok not so random stuff... how to move this blog to the new blogger... how to design a new blog layout before school reopens... rawr.
just got myself addicted to the new taiwan series 花样少年少女, adapted from the japanese manga series 花ざかりの君たちへ... this was the series that made me spend 100+ bucks the other day... and now i'm going crazy over the show plus the OST... darn nice! now waiting for tml afternoon which is when the next episode will be uploaded onto youtube... for once i rejoiced over the great invention *erms not really* of youtube! cheers to whoever who started that site!
ok enough crap... time to go out and act bright. XD
21 December 2006
now that i'm sober... lemme recount what really happened yesterday...
out to celebrate weixiang's birthday... went out in the morning for gift hunting, got dragged to watch weixiang n co. waveboard... it's actually quite fun! too bad i didn't bring an extra set of clothes and i'm broke from buying 100+ bucks of manga the day before lol! then we were super duper late for the birthday celebrations at wala wala... pansy went off early to meet her bf and returned with her bf to eat mudpie at holland v. loads of thoughts running in my head that i thought it's good to get high and drunk, but i guess...
it's a misconception that being drunk rids you of your worries... or maybe i wasn't drunk enough. instead of drowning your sorrows, you'll be drunk in your sorrows. how ironic. i wonder why people get themselves drunk in the first place... so no more alcohol unless it's pple's birthday or some celebratory occasion. and no more getting high and sprouting nonsense.
i understand people will move away from you as time passes. though i thought friendship may be eternal, i guess there's no such thing as eternity. in the end no one can truly understand each other, and everybody will be left alone eventually. i admit i'm really upset when i heard some news regarding my good friend whom i used to be really close to, but since a certain event we've moved apart. maybe it's because i can never fully acknowledge that it's the right choice, maybe it's just me being possessive. i don't even know myself in this sense. whenever something goes wrong, you just have to blame yourself. because if you choose to blame others, things will never end.
just like another certain individual. i'm so envious of how nice you can be to others, all except me. i understand that you have no obligations, so i choose to leave. i don't know how to face you each time we meet. though i'll be sad when i don't see you at certain occassions, i'm even more upset when i see you in person. the truth has already set into me : we're in two absolutely different worlds, where we can't even touch each other nor show any form of concern. u're okay without me, i'll be okay on my own. the next time if we ever meet, i'll show you what it means to be a strong woman.
once again la! happy birthday to birthday boy la! no longer teenager le, must act like your age and not scare jayne again leh! hope u like your presents neh...
i'm glad to have gone on the phuket trip with weixiang and co... at least it no longer feels so awkward at class gatherings without pansy and sheila. but... why. why just some things never change? am i just change-adverse?
i understand the source of my depression now : i'm always looking for something non-existant in this world. eternity. no changes. like a world encasted in ice. as much as i try to resist change, i'm changing myself. growing old as time passes by, meeting new people, shifts in relations, and the list never ends. i try to limit the number of changes that happens to me, but maybe i shouldn't do that anymore. yet i'm scared of the person i'll change into if i didn't do that. rawr. i'm always quarrelling within myself.
another great incoming change : shianchi and yinyin going to US for half a year. my two good friends from ntu gone, i don't know how things will be without these two great friends to whine and complain about school stuff... or i'm just too dependent on my friends rawr. it's true i have friends in uni, but of course not as close as the friends i make in jc and stuff... i always have a problem with trust and i know it. no one to teach me how to conquer my fears and stuff like that. there's no shortcut anywhere for me to take. but i'll be alright. i know i will =) <-- only slight optimism can keep me afloat ahahaha~
omg i just woke up after 12noon twice in a row. i better start switching my bioclock back to what it used to be... rawr.
out to celebrate weixiang's birthday... went out in the morning for gift hunting, got dragged to watch weixiang n co. waveboard... it's actually quite fun! too bad i didn't bring an extra set of clothes and i'm broke from buying 100+ bucks of manga the day before lol! then we were super duper late for the birthday celebrations at wala wala... pansy went off early to meet her bf and returned with her bf to eat mudpie at holland v. loads of thoughts running in my head that i thought it's good to get high and drunk, but i guess...
it's a misconception that being drunk rids you of your worries... or maybe i wasn't drunk enough. instead of drowning your sorrows, you'll be drunk in your sorrows. how ironic. i wonder why people get themselves drunk in the first place... so no more alcohol unless it's pple's birthday or some celebratory occasion. and no more getting high and sprouting nonsense.
i understand people will move away from you as time passes. though i thought friendship may be eternal, i guess there's no such thing as eternity. in the end no one can truly understand each other, and everybody will be left alone eventually. i admit i'm really upset when i heard some news regarding my good friend whom i used to be really close to, but since a certain event we've moved apart. maybe it's because i can never fully acknowledge that it's the right choice, maybe it's just me being possessive. i don't even know myself in this sense. whenever something goes wrong, you just have to blame yourself. because if you choose to blame others, things will never end.
just like another certain individual. i'm so envious of how nice you can be to others, all except me. i understand that you have no obligations, so i choose to leave. i don't know how to face you each time we meet. though i'll be sad when i don't see you at certain occassions, i'm even more upset when i see you in person. the truth has already set into me : we're in two absolutely different worlds, where we can't even touch each other nor show any form of concern. u're okay without me, i'll be okay on my own. the next time if we ever meet, i'll show you what it means to be a strong woman.
once again la! happy birthday to birthday boy la! no longer teenager le, must act like your age and not scare jayne again leh! hope u like your presents neh...
i'm glad to have gone on the phuket trip with weixiang and co... at least it no longer feels so awkward at class gatherings without pansy and sheila. but... why. why just some things never change? am i just change-adverse?
i understand the source of my depression now : i'm always looking for something non-existant in this world. eternity. no changes. like a world encasted in ice. as much as i try to resist change, i'm changing myself. growing old as time passes by, meeting new people, shifts in relations, and the list never ends. i try to limit the number of changes that happens to me, but maybe i shouldn't do that anymore. yet i'm scared of the person i'll change into if i didn't do that. rawr. i'm always quarrelling within myself.
another great incoming change : shianchi and yinyin going to US for half a year. my two good friends from ntu gone, i don't know how things will be without these two great friends to whine and complain about school stuff... or i'm just too dependent on my friends rawr. it's true i have friends in uni, but of course not as close as the friends i make in jc and stuff... i always have a problem with trust and i know it. no one to teach me how to conquer my fears and stuff like that. there's no shortcut anywhere for me to take. but i'll be alright. i know i will =) <-- only slight optimism can keep me afloat ahahaha~
omg i just woke up after 12noon twice in a row. i better start switching my bioclock back to what it used to be... rawr.
18 December 2006
tonight tonight! don't miss it! champion against champion!
gone to phuket been to phuket back from phuket! the trip was extremely fun although i felt it was really short... seriously 2.5 days is not enough! hope to go somewhere again with u guys but right now i'm really broke... so hope to save up as much as possible before we strike some place again! lmao~
photos have been uploaded to this site : http://shootingstar4eva.multiply.com/
feel free to look around *especially the taipei pictures where everyone looked like shyt cos we couldn't be bothered most of the time hehex... just look at my brother's sian face rawr... but that trip was fun too!*
memories... i read from a certain manga that memories aren't reliable, because our brain cells gets replaced periodically and our memories are replicated each time that happens. this means our memories are never accurate, as we replicated them as and how we wanna perceive them in the future. so even when i dwell in my memories, the actual things might be less dark than my current memories. i guess the best is never look back then, but i look at people like weixiang and jonathan talking about making good memories for this trip... it made me wanna believe in memories again. haha funny why is this becoming so... reflective?
i wanted to get away from my life here... going somewhere far away where nobody knows me *well except my friends who were with me : shian chi wendy amelia weixiang jonathan and yiuyan* maybe i was trying to run away from some issues troubling me here, to run to somewhere sunny, to be drenched in happiness? i thought while i'm there i'll have time to mull over things, but everything was super packed with fun that i didn't have time to do that. fun aside, i wouldn't admit i'm happy cos if i do that, unhappiness might just be around the corner cos life is not so nice to let one stay happy forever =P that's one of my main issues that i wanna solve, but i guess it's something so deep down that i can't handle and resolve in a mere 3 day escape from reality...
i guess i'm just too moody or too different from others. what is happiness? how do people handle their problems and stay cheerful against all obstacles? i realise i'm totally lost in the whole world though i'm already living in this crazy world for 20 years. a crazy 20 years lol. it's everybody's right to seek happiness, but what will you have to give up in return for that happiness? unhappiness? or am i just too greedy because if i seek happiness i want purely that and no sadness at all? life is full of ups and downs, it's impossible to have purely happiness -- that's just an illusion...
i wanna go back to who i was before everything... back to the innocent me in p6... or if i can't be that greedy, back to me when i was in sec 4... or back to the time when i was still in ac when i was j1... back to the more optimistic me, where i had held the glimmer of hope that the world was not so dark and ugly. just before things turned really ugly. then i realised i can't. maybe i could, but it seemed so far away from the current me. i'm like the exact opposite me to the "me" when i was in acjc... maybe i should have stayed there? but of course i wouldn't. i'm glad to have gone to hcjc, really i am. but there are always so many what ifs. i'm always looking back for some secret escape route when i know i'm stuck at where i am, and nothing's going to change that. it felt as though i screwed up my life though i know i'm much better off than others... that feeling sux.
academic stuff, financial stuff. jobless, need a job for my allowance. job interview at 11 tml and i don't feel like sleeping yet. studies going downwards, might have to drop out of abp, but then again do i really want to finish my degree in 3.5 years time? there's so much things i wanna explore but so little time. time management. i screwed that up this semester with my 2 tuition obligations. though i'm busy i'm always procrastinating. i felt i was busier at the start of the year (year 1 sem 2) cos i had tuition and volleyball practice, but at least i had the motivation to keep moving *though my studies dropped anyway* motivation is the key here... but how do i find that motivation again? it's ironic that last time people used to say i'm self motivated.
i laugh at my stupidity and how cowardly and ugly my character has become. is this from the negativity of the world or it's a phase everybody goes through? i think it's the former but it's probably just my excuse for making me feel better off. i run at the slightest hint of fear, from cockroaches to lizards, from problems to even the slightest change, and from getting hurt. where did my courage go? did i just drop it somewhere on the street 2 years ago? lol 2 years. how quickly time goes. i guess the memories of then must have been replicated so many times that nothing i remember now is the truth. how to let go of your past resentment of events from the past? i always thought the past serves as one's foundation... why does things seem to go both ways in all aspects for me?
constantly arguing within myself over my principles and issues like such. i want to step out of my walls and be different from my older self, but i'll chicken out last minute cos somehow i like my previous self too. i want to stick to my principles but i don't want to be too stubborn. i want to love but don't want to get hurt. these things always clash within themselves, and i still can't see a way to make them happen at the same time. though some might advise me to just take my time, sometimes i get really frustrated at how long time has passed and nothing seemed to happen. i want to change but i don't want to change. i want others to understand me but then again i don't want them to fully understand me. i doubt anybody understands what i'm trying to say here lol...
still uploading photos to taiwan... seriously i don't understand how my sis can take up to around 300+ pictures for the trip while i took only less than 50 photos for my phuket trip. oh well maybe i just don't know how and when to take photos rawr...
meanwhile i'll post up my anime blog again so do take a look once in a while =)
gone to phuket been to phuket back from phuket! the trip was extremely fun although i felt it was really short... seriously 2.5 days is not enough! hope to go somewhere again with u guys but right now i'm really broke... so hope to save up as much as possible before we strike some place again! lmao~
photos have been uploaded to this site : http://shootingstar4eva.multiply.com/
feel free to look around *especially the taipei pictures where everyone looked like shyt cos we couldn't be bothered most of the time hehex... just look at my brother's sian face rawr... but that trip was fun too!*
memories... i read from a certain manga that memories aren't reliable, because our brain cells gets replaced periodically and our memories are replicated each time that happens. this means our memories are never accurate, as we replicated them as and how we wanna perceive them in the future. so even when i dwell in my memories, the actual things might be less dark than my current memories. i guess the best is never look back then, but i look at people like weixiang and jonathan talking about making good memories for this trip... it made me wanna believe in memories again. haha funny why is this becoming so... reflective?
i wanted to get away from my life here... going somewhere far away where nobody knows me *well except my friends who were with me : shian chi wendy amelia weixiang jonathan and yiuyan* maybe i was trying to run away from some issues troubling me here, to run to somewhere sunny, to be drenched in happiness? i thought while i'm there i'll have time to mull over things, but everything was super packed with fun that i didn't have time to do that. fun aside, i wouldn't admit i'm happy cos if i do that, unhappiness might just be around the corner cos life is not so nice to let one stay happy forever =P that's one of my main issues that i wanna solve, but i guess it's something so deep down that i can't handle and resolve in a mere 3 day escape from reality...
i guess i'm just too moody or too different from others. what is happiness? how do people handle their problems and stay cheerful against all obstacles? i realise i'm totally lost in the whole world though i'm already living in this crazy world for 20 years. a crazy 20 years lol. it's everybody's right to seek happiness, but what will you have to give up in return for that happiness? unhappiness? or am i just too greedy because if i seek happiness i want purely that and no sadness at all? life is full of ups and downs, it's impossible to have purely happiness -- that's just an illusion...
i wanna go back to who i was before everything... back to the innocent me in p6... or if i can't be that greedy, back to me when i was in sec 4... or back to the time when i was still in ac when i was j1... back to the more optimistic me, where i had held the glimmer of hope that the world was not so dark and ugly. just before things turned really ugly. then i realised i can't. maybe i could, but it seemed so far away from the current me. i'm like the exact opposite me to the "me" when i was in acjc... maybe i should have stayed there? but of course i wouldn't. i'm glad to have gone to hcjc, really i am. but there are always so many what ifs. i'm always looking back for some secret escape route when i know i'm stuck at where i am, and nothing's going to change that. it felt as though i screwed up my life though i know i'm much better off than others... that feeling sux.
academic stuff, financial stuff. jobless, need a job for my allowance. job interview at 11 tml and i don't feel like sleeping yet. studies going downwards, might have to drop out of abp, but then again do i really want to finish my degree in 3.5 years time? there's so much things i wanna explore but so little time. time management. i screwed that up this semester with my 2 tuition obligations. though i'm busy i'm always procrastinating. i felt i was busier at the start of the year (year 1 sem 2) cos i had tuition and volleyball practice, but at least i had the motivation to keep moving *though my studies dropped anyway* motivation is the key here... but how do i find that motivation again? it's ironic that last time people used to say i'm self motivated.
i laugh at my stupidity and how cowardly and ugly my character has become. is this from the negativity of the world or it's a phase everybody goes through? i think it's the former but it's probably just my excuse for making me feel better off. i run at the slightest hint of fear, from cockroaches to lizards, from problems to even the slightest change, and from getting hurt. where did my courage go? did i just drop it somewhere on the street 2 years ago? lol 2 years. how quickly time goes. i guess the memories of then must have been replicated so many times that nothing i remember now is the truth. how to let go of your past resentment of events from the past? i always thought the past serves as one's foundation... why does things seem to go both ways in all aspects for me?
constantly arguing within myself over my principles and issues like such. i want to step out of my walls and be different from my older self, but i'll chicken out last minute cos somehow i like my previous self too. i want to stick to my principles but i don't want to be too stubborn. i want to love but don't want to get hurt. these things always clash within themselves, and i still can't see a way to make them happen at the same time. though some might advise me to just take my time, sometimes i get really frustrated at how long time has passed and nothing seemed to happen. i want to change but i don't want to change. i want others to understand me but then again i don't want them to fully understand me. i doubt anybody understands what i'm trying to say here lol...
still uploading photos to taiwan... seriously i don't understand how my sis can take up to around 300+ pictures for the trip while i took only less than 50 photos for my phuket trip. oh well maybe i just don't know how and when to take photos rawr...
meanwhile i'll post up my anime blog again so do take a look once in a while =)
14 December 2006
10 December 2006
如果你的一生是一场梦，并且现在从这场梦惊醒，你会希望记得梦境，还是选择遗忘？如果是我，我大概会选择遗忘。或许这一生中有许多美好的事，但回想起来脑子里突然一片空白。听起来可悲吗？或许我本人就是那么可悲。
真 正遗忘一个人是怎样的滋味？有没有可能遗忘呢？这个问题反反复复得问了自己好多好多遍，但终究得不到一个“真确”的答案。一方面，人是无法遗忘过去所发 生的事。这些事会累积成经验，成为一个人成长的肥料，也可作为警惕。就算回忆是多么伤人令人感到痛苦，就算一个人想尽办法要遗忘，回忆总会藏在脑海的深 处，随时随地浮现在眼前。
从另一个角度来看，一旦失去记忆，人是可以遗忘过去的事情。（说到这一点，有时候真的会有想消除记忆的歪念头。。）
朋友说，遗忘是不可能的。但当你回想往事时不再像以前那么难过、感到遗憾、或怀有恨意，那大概就是放得下了吧。那什么才算是难过遗憾或憎恨呢？我现在连自己的情绪都搞不清了。
醉。 人说喝酒会醉。我说不喝酒也会醉。不敢于尝试真正醉的感觉，是因为害怕失去理性，说出或做出我平时不敢做的事。给自己铐上太多枷锁，一直难以呼吸，想 挣破枷锁也心有余而力不足。我却不会为了醉而猛灌酒。我会在想醉的时候让自己醉。听起来似乎不太可能，不过好像我遇过这种情况至少两次。一次是在我非常难 过的 时候，另一次是在我极度疲劳的时候，说话不对头，走路东歪西倒。
面对失去目标的生活，简直是没有任何一样可以期待的东西。说是寻 死？这不 是我。寻死不过是个不负责任的行为。我生存是因周围的人的扶持，但却没有自己所想 达到的目标。或许一旦发现没有周围旁边的人的扶持，我真的就被击垮。这样的人生我厌倦了。不想受伤害的心是真的，不想毫无目标地生活的感觉也是如此强烈。 我就一直互相矛盾，来来去去超过一年。自私自利的用“我不想受伤害”作为伤害他人的理由，还认为自己并没有错。但换我做被伤害的人，或许我会痛骂让我受伤 的混蛋。
岁月光阴是那么的不饶人。转眼间一大半时间又过去了。我们生活在这世上到底是为了什么？为了传宗接代？为了让自己成为世上职业界的第一？还是为了让自己是世上最大的富翁？
我什么都不要。我只要平平静静地过着简单的生活，成为一个有思想的女强人。
真 正遗忘一个人是怎样的滋味？有没有可能遗忘呢？这个问题反反复复得问了自己好多好多遍，但终究得不到一个“真确”的答案。一方面，人是无法遗忘过去所发 生的事。这些事会累积成经验，成为一个人成长的肥料，也可作为警惕。就算回忆是多么伤人令人感到痛苦，就算一个人想尽办法要遗忘，回忆总会藏在脑海的深 处，随时随地浮现在眼前。
从另一个角度来看，一旦失去记忆，人是可以遗忘过去的事情。（说到这一点，有时候真的会有想消除记忆的歪念头。。）
朋友说，遗忘是不可能的。但当你回想往事时不再像以前那么难过、感到遗憾、或怀有恨意，那大概就是放得下了吧。那什么才算是难过遗憾或憎恨呢？我现在连自己的情绪都搞不清了。
醉。 人说喝酒会醉。我说不喝酒也会醉。不敢于尝试真正醉的感觉，是因为害怕失去理性，说出或做出我平时不敢做的事。给自己铐上太多枷锁，一直难以呼吸，想 挣破枷锁也心有余而力不足。我却不会为了醉而猛灌酒。我会在想醉的时候让自己醉。听起来似乎不太可能，不过好像我遇过这种情况至少两次。一次是在我非常难 过的 时候，另一次是在我极度疲劳的时候，说话不对头，走路东歪西倒。
面对失去目标的生活，简直是没有任何一样可以期待的东西。说是寻 死？这不 是我。寻死不过是个不负责任的行为。我生存是因周围的人的扶持，但却没有自己所想 达到的目标。或许一旦发现没有周围旁边的人的扶持，我真的就被击垮。这样的人生我厌倦了。不想受伤害的心是真的，不想毫无目标地生活的感觉也是如此强烈。 我就一直互相矛盾，来来去去超过一年。自私自利的用“我不想受伤害”作为伤害他人的理由，还认为自己并没有错。但换我做被伤害的人，或许我会痛骂让我受伤 的混蛋。
岁月光阴是那么的不饶人。转眼间一大半时间又过去了。我们生活在这世上到底是为了什么？为了传宗接代？为了让自己成为世上职业界的第一？还是为了让自己是世上最大的富翁？
我什么都不要。我只要平平静静地过着简单的生活，成为一个有思想的女强人。
19 November 2006
after bottling up for such a long time, the time bomb has finally exploded.
time bomb exploded last night at around 12midnight. reason: bomb was aggravated by a certain trigger which was rather unpleasant.
however, this might not be too bad an incident. the glass surrounding the bomb shattered, destroying the walls surrounding it. yet the debris left behind was quite a deal to handle.
was glad to have chatted with a few people last night... supposed to have been studying though, but hey who cares! *especially after flunking the great-o-certain-paper* so...haha... i'll mug later. later =)
thinking about the things i wana do during the break... i think i really need to get out somewhere, but it seems that the thailand trip's a little too expensive, and i don't know if the details have been finalised yet... eeks =X i hope they don't finalise things too quickly though =X
today i'm officially jobless. no more tuition to haunt me n stuff, but hey i wish my student koh yu all da best for her fmaths exam tml... opps forgot to wish yiwei good luck for her maths paper last week lol... but hmmms... dunno whether i'll miss chatting with them while tutoring them... and of course i'll miss the monthly small increase in my funds... but hey! ahems. well haha~
well shall continue to strive and find my motivation. to hell to those that made me upset. dammit, damn u. u're not worth a single drop of tear.
time bomb exploded last night at around 12midnight. reason: bomb was aggravated by a certain trigger which was rather unpleasant.
however, this might not be too bad an incident. the glass surrounding the bomb shattered, destroying the walls surrounding it. yet the debris left behind was quite a deal to handle.
was glad to have chatted with a few people last night... supposed to have been studying though, but hey who cares! *especially after flunking the great-o-certain-paper* so...haha... i'll mug later. later =)
thinking about the things i wana do during the break... i think i really need to get out somewhere, but it seems that the thailand trip's a little too expensive, and i don't know if the details have been finalised yet... eeks =X i hope they don't finalise things too quickly though =X
today i'm officially jobless. no more tuition to haunt me n stuff, but hey i wish my student koh yu all da best for her fmaths exam tml... opps forgot to wish yiwei good luck for her maths paper last week lol... but hmmms... dunno whether i'll miss chatting with them while tutoring them... and of course i'll miss the monthly small increase in my funds... but hey! ahems. well haha~
well shall continue to strive and find my motivation. to hell to those that made me upset. dammit, damn u. u're not worth a single drop of tear.
17 November 2006
i... totally lost motivation to study.
maybe ever since i entered uni, i lost that driving force.
ever since i totally flunked my circuits exam, strangely i didn't feel super motivated or upset or disappointed. it's like... oh i just flunked my exam. nth else, not even a slight surge of panic while i was doing the paper even though i can't get a single answer. seriously... i thought i'll like... dunno... cry like a baby cos i flunked a paper? or maybe even freak out that i can't do a single question in the paper?
now it feels like i've totally given up on myself on this exams.
come on it's only one paper... i think i did ok for jap... u'll do fine if u start mugging now!
sighz...
been thinking these few days... strangely my thoughts now repeating themselves in my mind is not only in chinese, sometimes japanese pops up in my head as well! omgz am i going crazy just from studying jap?
speaking of jap, i didn't even mug hard last minute... i just like slacked after circuits paper and went for jap paper... but that's cos i forced myself to consistently study for jap.
and the stupid thing was... while writing compo for jap paper, i was fantasizing about holidays and can't wait for it to come...
-_-
let's count down to what other subjects i have left...
1) ee2008 algorithms n data systems
2) mb102 business finance
3) ee2010 signals n systems <--- i'm studying so many different systems >_<
4) ee2006 engineering maths 1
i used to keep telling myself... 没有期望没有失望。yes, though i no longer feel hurt because i'm disappointed in anything, but then, somehow this whole thing seem to backfire. because i no longer have expectations of myself, i no longer have the motivation to move forward. and i had the nerve to question whether it'll be sufficient to keep moving forward. ever since even before i entered uni, it seems i tried to cast myself in a frozen glass cell to prevent my tears from falling again. well i succeeded (i think) but contrary to what i thought, i had just frozen myself in time. how nice. it's exactly the same as my blog layout. what an irony.
too many thoughts running in my head now... thinking about how my other friends are working hard while i'm still stuck in the rut, being stubborn about moving off. nobody wants to get hurt, no one wants to hurt you too. this came from an anime i'm watching now called bokura ga ita. reminds me of loads of things from the past. all memories but yet they still come back to me every now and then.
been thinking how hard it is to open up to people these days. i understand that everyone have their own problems to deal with and stuff... so i act high and mighty and say i don't wanna burden others with my problems. besides harping about the same thing every other day is tiring too, so no point talking about it. i act as though nothing's bothered me at all while my friends come to me at times about their problems. but then it seems as though i've never gotten over the entire thing before. what exactly is betrayal? what does it mean to have totally gotten past something happened in the past? does it mean totally forgetting about the whole incident and live your life as though nothing has happened before? if that's the case i suppose i have never gotten over it. with this i'm refering to an incident in secondary school. sometimes i'm left in awe how people can remember something, some event so vividly that happened so long ago and forget what something that happened a min ago.
maybe that's the main reason why i find it so hard to open up? besides, if you choose to open up to the wrong person, i can't imagine the consequences. for those who really care, i know that nobody wants to get hurt, and no one wants to hurt others; but sadly i've met people who are really out to hurt others. maybe i'll misunderstand some of my friends actions because of that. i don't know. even if, even for just a moment, you were true to me; because of that incident, the way things turned out, i'll probably hate you for the way things turned out. you can do the same to me, i wouldn't flinch or anything.
sighz. maybe it's time to ignite some passion that i once had... for sports, for music, for the things i loved. maybe there's none now, but... at least... lemme trick myself that i love studying... so that i have the motivation to mug dammit!
rawr.
maybe ever since i entered uni, i lost that driving force.
ever since i totally flunked my circuits exam, strangely i didn't feel super motivated or upset or disappointed. it's like... oh i just flunked my exam. nth else, not even a slight surge of panic while i was doing the paper even though i can't get a single answer. seriously... i thought i'll like... dunno... cry like a baby cos i flunked a paper? or maybe even freak out that i can't do a single question in the paper?
now it feels like i've totally given up on myself on this exams.
come on it's only one paper... i think i did ok for jap... u'll do fine if u start mugging now!
sighz...
been thinking these few days... strangely my thoughts now repeating themselves in my mind is not only in chinese, sometimes japanese pops up in my head as well! omgz am i going crazy just from studying jap?
speaking of jap, i didn't even mug hard last minute... i just like slacked after circuits paper and went for jap paper... but that's cos i forced myself to consistently study for jap.
and the stupid thing was... while writing compo for jap paper, i was fantasizing about holidays and can't wait for it to come...
-_-
let's count down to what other subjects i have left...
1) ee2008 algorithms n data systems
2) mb102 business finance
3) ee2010 signals n systems <--- i'm studying so many different systems >_<
4) ee2006 engineering maths 1
i used to keep telling myself... 没有期望没有失望。yes, though i no longer feel hurt because i'm disappointed in anything, but then, somehow this whole thing seem to backfire. because i no longer have expectations of myself, i no longer have the motivation to move forward. and i had the nerve to question whether it'll be sufficient to keep moving forward. ever since even before i entered uni, it seems i tried to cast myself in a frozen glass cell to prevent my tears from falling again. well i succeeded (i think) but contrary to what i thought, i had just frozen myself in time. how nice. it's exactly the same as my blog layout. what an irony.
too many thoughts running in my head now... thinking about how my other friends are working hard while i'm still stuck in the rut, being stubborn about moving off. nobody wants to get hurt, no one wants to hurt you too. this came from an anime i'm watching now called bokura ga ita. reminds me of loads of things from the past. all memories but yet they still come back to me every now and then.
been thinking how hard it is to open up to people these days. i understand that everyone have their own problems to deal with and stuff... so i act high and mighty and say i don't wanna burden others with my problems. besides harping about the same thing every other day is tiring too, so no point talking about it. i act as though nothing's bothered me at all while my friends come to me at times about their problems. but then it seems as though i've never gotten over the entire thing before. what exactly is betrayal? what does it mean to have totally gotten past something happened in the past? does it mean totally forgetting about the whole incident and live your life as though nothing has happened before? if that's the case i suppose i have never gotten over it. with this i'm refering to an incident in secondary school. sometimes i'm left in awe how people can remember something, some event so vividly that happened so long ago and forget what something that happened a min ago.
maybe that's the main reason why i find it so hard to open up? besides, if you choose to open up to the wrong person, i can't imagine the consequences. for those who really care, i know that nobody wants to get hurt, and no one wants to hurt others; but sadly i've met people who are really out to hurt others. maybe i'll misunderstand some of my friends actions because of that. i don't know. even if, even for just a moment, you were true to me; because of that incident, the way things turned out, i'll probably hate you for the way things turned out. you can do the same to me, i wouldn't flinch or anything.
sighz. maybe it's time to ignite some passion that i once had... for sports, for music, for the things i loved. maybe there's none now, but... at least... lemme trick myself that i love studying... so that i have the motivation to mug dammit!
rawr.
15 November 2006
09 November 2006
好久没回到这里。
不知道为何今天又一股冲动回到此地。哈哈为什么我前面那句话听起来那么奇怪？好像要写什么深奥的作文似的。
明明有那么多东西要管，下个礼拜的大考都还没有着落。这次肯定万蛋的。但偏偏，不知为何。。。
往事无端端地在脑里出现。
是对过去的思念，还是只因压力太大，每当压力大的时候就会回想那些美好回忆？
我变了。我不像你们任何一个人所想象的那样。
我也跟两年前的我截然不同。
有太多东西明明不是我。却也不知不觉地变成了我。
感觉简直像个谜。
不愿意再次承认孤单。因为这样的话，就无法继续前进。
我要不断的往前走。就像当初心里理想的女强人一样。不要靠任何人的力量，勇敢的凭着自己的力量在这世上立足。我也不曾忘却这是件多么孤单的一件事。
人心是那么脆弱，却也那么善变。
我不明白为什么那么久以前的事会突然出现在面前。也完全无法了解其中的原因。我不是以前的我。我不像回到过去的我。虽然单纯愚蠢的我是那么的快乐，但到头来始终还是回到了原点。
我 不想再受伤害。这把自卫的声音比任何其他不像伤害其他人的声音来的强烈。身上长着刺猬的感觉是那么痛快却无奈。痛快并不是因伤害别人，而是因为自己知道 不会再受到伤害。就像是坐在一个玻璃房间一样，看得到世间上的是是非非，看得到别人欢喜流泪，那些感受却从不属于自己。不用担心明天是否会挨饿，或者天灾会 突然降临。这是因为生活得太过富裕，还是对世上的事物都感到厌烦呢？
明明远远抛在后头的回忆，为何又会再次回到脑海里呢？
请在离我远一点吧。直到我能够更爱自己，并学习如何爱他人。直到回忆不再让隐性泪水滑落，直到我能忘记什么叫做背叛与伤痛。
不知道为何今天又一股冲动回到此地。哈哈为什么我前面那句话听起来那么奇怪？好像要写什么深奥的作文似的。
明明有那么多东西要管，下个礼拜的大考都还没有着落。这次肯定万蛋的。但偏偏，不知为何。。。
往事无端端地在脑里出现。
是对过去的思念，还是只因压力太大，每当压力大的时候就会回想那些美好回忆？
我变了。我不像你们任何一个人所想象的那样。
我也跟两年前的我截然不同。
有太多东西明明不是我。却也不知不觉地变成了我。
感觉简直像个谜。
不愿意再次承认孤单。因为这样的话，就无法继续前进。
我要不断的往前走。就像当初心里理想的女强人一样。不要靠任何人的力量，勇敢的凭着自己的力量在这世上立足。我也不曾忘却这是件多么孤单的一件事。
人心是那么脆弱，却也那么善变。
我不明白为什么那么久以前的事会突然出现在面前。也完全无法了解其中的原因。我不是以前的我。我不像回到过去的我。虽然单纯愚蠢的我是那么的快乐，但到头来始终还是回到了原点。
我 不想再受伤害。这把自卫的声音比任何其他不像伤害其他人的声音来的强烈。身上长着刺猬的感觉是那么痛快却无奈。痛快并不是因伤害别人，而是因为自己知道 不会再受到伤害。就像是坐在一个玻璃房间一样，看得到世间上的是是非非，看得到别人欢喜流泪，那些感受却从不属于自己。不用担心明天是否会挨饿，或者天灾会 突然降临。这是因为生活得太过富裕，还是对世上的事物都感到厌烦呢？
明明远远抛在后头的回忆，为何又会再次回到脑海里呢？
请在离我远一点吧。直到我能够更爱自己，并学习如何爱他人。直到回忆不再让隐性泪水滑落，直到我能忘记什么叫做背叛与伤痛。
09 October 2006
quoted from junyi's blog : "They say the more you look for something, the harder you will find it. And the more you hope to see someone, the lower the chance you will get to see him/her."
i can't help but to agree. probably despite having half of the world disagreeing with me n junyi.
well, if u never had expectations, u'll never know disappointment.
and the thing about one sided stuff... if u believe and understand that it'll stay as being one sided, why persist in doing it? it's tiring and u probably wouldn't reap any reward for it, so why? u'll save yourself all the trouble if u stop.
humans are full of contradictions.
i can't help but to agree. probably despite having half of the world disagreeing with me n junyi.
well, if u never had expectations, u'll never know disappointment.
and the thing about one sided stuff... if u believe and understand that it'll stay as being one sided, why persist in doing it? it's tiring and u probably wouldn't reap any reward for it, so why? u'll save yourself all the trouble if u stop.
humans are full of contradictions.
07 October 2006
ever heard of the theory? for every thing that happens, something would be taken in exchange. the principal of equivalent trade.
this means. for every single moment of happiness u get, u'll get a equivalent, if not, 10 times the sadness as compared to the moment of happiness u got.
that's y, never seek happiness, for u never know when ur luck will run out and suffer in sadness for the rest of your life.
i forgot that momentarily.
thanks for reminding me again.
this means. for every single moment of happiness u get, u'll get a equivalent, if not, 10 times the sadness as compared to the moment of happiness u got.
that's y, never seek happiness, for u never know when ur luck will run out and suffer in sadness for the rest of your life.
i forgot that momentarily.
thanks for reminding me again.
30 September 2006
i have enough of chain mails.
they usually put at the end of the mail... send it to xxx number of people, or else the wish will never come true, you will never find true happiness blah blah blah.
so what if that really happens?
life still goes on whether u're happy or not.
and on the other hand... there's a group of people that are unwilling to accept the responsibilities and the price to pay for being happy.
so this meaningless threat is nothing in their eyes in the first case.
how boring.
they usually put at the end of the mail... send it to xxx number of people, or else the wish will never come true, you will never find true happiness blah blah blah.
so what if that really happens?
life still goes on whether u're happy or not.
and on the other hand... there's a group of people that are unwilling to accept the responsibilities and the price to pay for being happy.
so this meaningless threat is nothing in their eyes in the first case.
how boring.
24 September 2006
够了。
我不是你的天使。
不愿再回忆旧伤痛，也不愿再让人触碰曾经受伤的心灵。
请你们都离我远一点吧。在我还没伤害你们之前。。。
我一直站在被你伤害的地方
歌手：辛欣 | 专辑：放120个心 | 词:许常德 | 曲:林东松
sally哭着说
他不再忍受
象一个影子擦掉自我
他不愿强夺别人的所有
但是爱人逼他犯错
感情在深陷时堕落
伤了人还不罢手直到自己碰到伤口
才懂无情的人对谁都一样的残忍懦弱
judy也放过爱他的malon
当他已决定去爱别人
没有了阴霾幸福很简单
但却拥抱一个心房
三个女人午夜交谈
有人会坚强情断
有人停止伤害对方
悲惨故事太平常
只是有人心聋目盲
不愿意收场
我一直站在被你伤害的地方
你一直留在让我哭泣的远方
爱一直停在你曾爱我的那晚
你曾经对我那么好
你说你爱我到老
现在我还忘不掉
什么天荒地老
不到最后不能知道
我不是你的天使。
不愿再回忆旧伤痛，也不愿再让人触碰曾经受伤的心灵。
请你们都离我远一点吧。在我还没伤害你们之前。。。
我一直站在被你伤害的地方
歌手：辛欣 | 专辑：放120个心 | 词:许常德 | 曲:林东松
sally哭着说
他不再忍受
象一个影子擦掉自我
他不愿强夺别人的所有
但是爱人逼他犯错
感情在深陷时堕落
伤了人还不罢手直到自己碰到伤口
才懂无情的人对谁都一样的残忍懦弱
judy也放过爱他的malon
当他已决定去爱别人
没有了阴霾幸福很简单
但却拥抱一个心房
三个女人午夜交谈
有人会坚强情断
有人停止伤害对方
悲惨故事太平常
只是有人心聋目盲
不愿意收场
我一直站在被你伤害的地方
你一直留在让我哭泣的远方
爱一直停在你曾爱我的那晚
你曾经对我那么好
你说你爱我到老
现在我还忘不掉
什么天荒地老
不到最后不能知道
09 September 2006
sheesh... since i'm going to take the japanese exam this year... y don't i try to write something in the pathetic japanese that i know...
私 はホーです。ナンヤン理工大学の学生です。専攻は電子電気工学です。今年の宿題はむずかしいですから、少し分かりません。それから、私も日本語を勉強し ます。日本語はおもしろいです。でも私は上手ではありません。沢山新しい言葉を覚えますから、とても大変です。私は日本語が大好きですから、がんばる よ。
haha pls correct my lousy grammer for those who understand japanese... XD
私 はホーです。ナンヤン理工大学の学生です。専攻は電子電気工学です。今年の宿題はむずかしいですから、少し分かりません。それから、私も日本語を勉強し ます。日本語はおもしろいです。でも私は上手ではありません。沢山新しい言葉を覚えますから、とても大変です。私は日本語が大好きですから、がんばる よ。
haha pls correct my lousy grammer for those who understand japanese... XD
07 September 2006
06 September 2006
04 September 2006
stop procrastinating.
currently now... should i say i'm damn stressed? exams coming, tuitees double exam fall on my exams as well, not feeling like turning up in school... jlpt... shet. i think i'm procrastinating and it doesn't help things but still... urgh. and my stomach hurts now... ='(
someone pls save me...
currently now... should i say i'm damn stressed? exams coming, tuitees double exam fall on my exams as well, not feeling like turning up in school... jlpt... shet. i think i'm procrastinating and it doesn't help things but still... urgh. and my stomach hurts now... ='(
someone pls save me...
21 August 2006
so much for stealth, i thought silently. a hand grabbed my arm from behind. i span around, only to realise that it was only her.
she looked into my eyes, determined to bring me to her fiancee. i shoke off her grip defiantly. she hesitated, then said resigned tone, "well, i can always pretend i never found you."
i gratefully turned my back towards her, and headed for the exit. i opened the door, which was the only way out of the hotel room we were both in, and headed into the corridor. upon hearing footsteps, i dived into the nearest place i could hide -- through an unlocked door, into a small passageway half hidden along the corridor.
i could hear the movement of gears in the background. the place was dimly lit, for it did not even require the presence of light in the first place. a small carriage of baggage transported by the cable above me and it almost ran over me. i looked around for a possible exit out of this maze i had unwittingly entered...
why am i running away? from the girl, my best friend... the one who is most important to me... from that fiancee. that horrible man who took my most important person from me. well, i'm well aware that i have to let her go someday anyway, just that this man... the thought of him made my blood boil.
i figured my way along the corridor, trying to feel my way around with my hands. suddenly, faintly i saw another figure ahead of me looking shocked that i was too, in the same tunnel as she is.
"what? u're trapped here too?"
strange as it is, she became my new companion. our only goal was to escape from this maze of baggage.
today is the day. the day my dearest friend was to be officially engaged with that man. i can safely say that both me and her fiancee were well aware of each other's hostility, and unfortunately, i do not have the power and wealth like her fiancee. so i had no choice but to slide silently into the shadows, silently guarding my best friend, trying to hide my feelings towards her.
me and my new companion found something that looked like an exit : a strange looking slide with a golden rod above the slide. my companion took the slide first, i followed, only to realise i was somehow stuck at the top of the slide. must be my huge butt -- despite people claiming huge butts means easy delivery or what crap. or it's the work of some superglue... nevertherless it was most likely my only means of escape. i tried to haul my butt to get myself some momentum, but to no avail.
"hurry, you don't have much time..." at this time, i felt someone right behind me, giving me a slight push. i was sure that there was no one behind me... but i didn't have time to wonder if the one behind me was a human or a ghost or anything else. down the slide i went, but i only found myself in another dimly lit room, leading to a flight of stairs down to the bottom of the hotel building.
i knew time was running out. i had to stop their engagement! both me and my companion ran down the stairs, and i started formulating my plan of "sabotage". i knew my best friend would probably hate me for this, but at the very least, i should let my feelings reach her. yet the only obstacle would be that fiancee of hers. with his power he would probably have sealed all the exits of the hotel building to catch me. i have to take another route then... if i ever get caught it might be the end of everything.
without letting my companion realise anything, i went through the door next to the stairs i saw on my way down, into another corridor. if my memory didn't fail me, the hotel building and the neighbouring building are inter-connected by a series of passageways. i smiled to myself, thinking that victory would be mine. i came to the end of the corridor, and went down to the bottom of the stairs at the end of the corridor. just as i opened the door to the lobby of the building, i heard more footsteps.
darn. it must be the security guard. i hid behind the shadows of the reception counter, and the guard didn't seem to notice me. great. as he turned out of sight, i ran towards the exit of the building...
at this instance, the shutters of the exit dropped down suddenly. i couldn't make it through the exit in time. i am trapped.
then i heard footsteps behind me. "good job," the voice i had loathed so much, praised the security guard's work. i turned around and glared at the man i hated most in my entire life, with my best friend by his side.
he sneered, "i knew you would not fall into our hands so easily in the hotel we were in. so i guessed u would take the hidden passageway into this building, that's why i told the guard here to seal all exits as well. hahaha... any last words you have to say?"
my best friend tried to protest, but he stopped her. "no, from now onwards u don't need a friend like her."
i gritted my teeth, furious at that careless comment he made. "no. that's not for you to decide." i grabbed my friend's hand, and ran for the series of maze again. when i've gone deep enough into that baggage maze, and sure that we would not be pursued, i turned to my best friend. she was gasping for breath, but a little amused at what happened.
after catching my breath, i tried to steady myself before my confession. "actually... i don't want you to get married to him."
"i know... it's pretty obvious." she half giggled.
i smiled, for the first time in a few months.
i continued, "actually, there's something i want to tell you."
"what is it?"
"i know... you might hate me for this... but... actually... i like you..."
"yeah... i like you too."
"no no... not that kind of friendship like... it's... different."
she looked a littled stunned. a period of awkward silence followed.
i tried to break that silence. "i... just wanted to let u know that... that's all. u can go back and get married to him..."
".... no... it's not like that... actually... i'm also hesitating as to whether i really want to get married to him..."
i raised an eyebrow. i thought she liked him so much, then why the hesitation?
she replied as if she understood my thoughts. "i knew i wasn't perfect enough for him. i'm scared... that he'll shun away from me once he knew what kind of person i really am after our marriage..."
she paused, then continued, "but for you it's different... i guess..."
i smiled at that. "nah, u're an angel to me, why would he shun away from you?"
she fidgeted and said in a squeaky voice... "actually i'm not an angel... i'm ugly..."
"no u're not. don't worry..."
"no u don't understand... i..."
she ripped open the top of her blouse and...
all i see is a thick forest of chest hair.
WHAT? HAIR ON A GIRL'S CHEST?!
essentially that was the dream i had yesterday. wonders. so i'm a lesbian? LOL. and dreams. are. weird. -_-
sorry for the weird english phrasing and lack of punctuation and grammer. oh well, who cares.
she looked into my eyes, determined to bring me to her fiancee. i shoke off her grip defiantly. she hesitated, then said resigned tone, "well, i can always pretend i never found you."
i gratefully turned my back towards her, and headed for the exit. i opened the door, which was the only way out of the hotel room we were both in, and headed into the corridor. upon hearing footsteps, i dived into the nearest place i could hide -- through an unlocked door, into a small passageway half hidden along the corridor.
i could hear the movement of gears in the background. the place was dimly lit, for it did not even require the presence of light in the first place. a small carriage of baggage transported by the cable above me and it almost ran over me. i looked around for a possible exit out of this maze i had unwittingly entered...
why am i running away? from the girl, my best friend... the one who is most important to me... from that fiancee. that horrible man who took my most important person from me. well, i'm well aware that i have to let her go someday anyway, just that this man... the thought of him made my blood boil.
i figured my way along the corridor, trying to feel my way around with my hands. suddenly, faintly i saw another figure ahead of me looking shocked that i was too, in the same tunnel as she is.
"what? u're trapped here too?"
strange as it is, she became my new companion. our only goal was to escape from this maze of baggage.
today is the day. the day my dearest friend was to be officially engaged with that man. i can safely say that both me and her fiancee were well aware of each other's hostility, and unfortunately, i do not have the power and wealth like her fiancee. so i had no choice but to slide silently into the shadows, silently guarding my best friend, trying to hide my feelings towards her.
me and my new companion found something that looked like an exit : a strange looking slide with a golden rod above the slide. my companion took the slide first, i followed, only to realise i was somehow stuck at the top of the slide. must be my huge butt -- despite people claiming huge butts means easy delivery or what crap. or it's the work of some superglue... nevertherless it was most likely my only means of escape. i tried to haul my butt to get myself some momentum, but to no avail.
"hurry, you don't have much time..." at this time, i felt someone right behind me, giving me a slight push. i was sure that there was no one behind me... but i didn't have time to wonder if the one behind me was a human or a ghost or anything else. down the slide i went, but i only found myself in another dimly lit room, leading to a flight of stairs down to the bottom of the hotel building.
i knew time was running out. i had to stop their engagement! both me and my companion ran down the stairs, and i started formulating my plan of "sabotage". i knew my best friend would probably hate me for this, but at the very least, i should let my feelings reach her. yet the only obstacle would be that fiancee of hers. with his power he would probably have sealed all the exits of the hotel building to catch me. i have to take another route then... if i ever get caught it might be the end of everything.
without letting my companion realise anything, i went through the door next to the stairs i saw on my way down, into another corridor. if my memory didn't fail me, the hotel building and the neighbouring building are inter-connected by a series of passageways. i smiled to myself, thinking that victory would be mine. i came to the end of the corridor, and went down to the bottom of the stairs at the end of the corridor. just as i opened the door to the lobby of the building, i heard more footsteps.
darn. it must be the security guard. i hid behind the shadows of the reception counter, and the guard didn't seem to notice me. great. as he turned out of sight, i ran towards the exit of the building...
at this instance, the shutters of the exit dropped down suddenly. i couldn't make it through the exit in time. i am trapped.
then i heard footsteps behind me. "good job," the voice i had loathed so much, praised the security guard's work. i turned around and glared at the man i hated most in my entire life, with my best friend by his side.
he sneered, "i knew you would not fall into our hands so easily in the hotel we were in. so i guessed u would take the hidden passageway into this building, that's why i told the guard here to seal all exits as well. hahaha... any last words you have to say?"
my best friend tried to protest, but he stopped her. "no, from now onwards u don't need a friend like her."
i gritted my teeth, furious at that careless comment he made. "no. that's not for you to decide." i grabbed my friend's hand, and ran for the series of maze again. when i've gone deep enough into that baggage maze, and sure that we would not be pursued, i turned to my best friend. she was gasping for breath, but a little amused at what happened.
after catching my breath, i tried to steady myself before my confession. "actually... i don't want you to get married to him."
"i know... it's pretty obvious." she half giggled.
i smiled, for the first time in a few months.
i continued, "actually, there's something i want to tell you."
"what is it?"
"i know... you might hate me for this... but... actually... i like you..."
"yeah... i like you too."
"no no... not that kind of friendship like... it's... different."
she looked a littled stunned. a period of awkward silence followed.
i tried to break that silence. "i... just wanted to let u know that... that's all. u can go back and get married to him..."
".... no... it's not like that... actually... i'm also hesitating as to whether i really want to get married to him..."
i raised an eyebrow. i thought she liked him so much, then why the hesitation?
she replied as if she understood my thoughts. "i knew i wasn't perfect enough for him. i'm scared... that he'll shun away from me once he knew what kind of person i really am after our marriage..."
she paused, then continued, "but for you it's different... i guess..."
i smiled at that. "nah, u're an angel to me, why would he shun away from you?"
she fidgeted and said in a squeaky voice... "actually i'm not an angel... i'm ugly..."
"no u're not. don't worry..."
"no u don't understand... i..."
she ripped open the top of her blouse and...
all i see is a thick forest of chest hair.
WHAT? HAIR ON A GIRL'S CHEST?!
essentially that was the dream i had yesterday. wonders. so i'm a lesbian? LOL. and dreams. are. weird. -_-
sorry for the weird english phrasing and lack of punctuation and grammer. oh well, who cares.
16 August 2006
31 July 2006
i had a dream last night.
i dreamt i was loved by a prince and a beast.
at the same time i fell in love with an ordinary man along the street who went away just after i knew him.
the prince was like all clique stories, princely. however he was extremely bad-tempered, and has no respect for others especially girls. and he will not hesitate to hit girls either.
the beast though was the king of all monsters and animals, even though he was ugly, and whenever he tried to get close to me, i'll get into a fit, but he was kind and considerate and keeps his distance so that i will not get into fits.
however the man i loved, whom i didn't even know the name, had left for a remote country overseas just when i started liking him.
me and my friends went to visit a fortune teller. i had a wish hidden deep in my heart, i wished that man would return to me.
the fortune teller said that my wish is hard to fulfill, but there is hope for it.
which i thought was all a lie.
if all these happened in real life, who would you choose in the end? the prince in other people's eyes who was violent? or the beast that was gentle? or would it be your love that is totally out of reach of your hands?
i would just stay at where i am and choose neither.
i dreamt i was loved by a prince and a beast.
at the same time i fell in love with an ordinary man along the street who went away just after i knew him.
the prince was like all clique stories, princely. however he was extremely bad-tempered, and has no respect for others especially girls. and he will not hesitate to hit girls either.
the beast though was the king of all monsters and animals, even though he was ugly, and whenever he tried to get close to me, i'll get into a fit, but he was kind and considerate and keeps his distance so that i will not get into fits.
however the man i loved, whom i didn't even know the name, had left for a remote country overseas just when i started liking him.
me and my friends went to visit a fortune teller. i had a wish hidden deep in my heart, i wished that man would return to me.
the fortune teller said that my wish is hard to fulfill, but there is hope for it.
which i thought was all a lie.
if all these happened in real life, who would you choose in the end? the prince in other people's eyes who was violent? or the beast that was gentle? or would it be your love that is totally out of reach of your hands?
i would just stay at where i am and choose neither.
25 July 2006
21 July 2006
19 July 2006
tell me i'm dumb.
i've always known that i'm really bad at time management, and i really don't have a good sense of time. but how blur can i get?!!!
actually i'm a little frustrated with my holidays now... i wanna go back to school asap so that i wouldn't lie around doing nothing except to watch anime play games n piss my mum off... i really wanted to start studying or do something more productive...
and i though my school holidays would end on 24 july... which is next week.
the realisation only struck me this morning at 1am.
school only starts on 7 august.
AND THAT'S A FREAKING 3 WEEKS AWAY INSTEAD OF LESS THAN 1 WEEK AWAY!!!
urrrragh! *starts fumbling with hair frantically*
how dumb can i get?! -_-
but in the meantime, i'm kept busy with my anime blog... do go check out, tag and leave comments... actually i'll prefer comments... they'll last for eternity as long as my blog is there... haha! there's so many anime i'm watching currently that i don't even have the time and effort to blog everything i watch! but if i blog my entire day away it seems like i'm neglecting other stuff... like cleaning up my room... *which i had postponed infinitely till further notice...*
and i need to finish ffx-2!!!kh2... "completed"... i skipped the quests part for kh2... fought the final boss just to see the perfect ending... and guess what?! my disc jammed when i was watching the final cg movie. drats it. -_- if i had known it, i wouldn't have restarted my entire game just to watch the movie... i would have gone to youtube to look at the ending and not waste my precious time replaying everything. -_-''' now i'm stuck at the boring quests part of ffx-2... before fighting the final boss... if the disc jams anytime now i'll really go "RARRR!" on the ps2... grrrr~
yeap so that's an update on my boring life. nothing much to talk about anyway, i'm staying at home as much as i can... becoming a hermit, just like my assassin's third class job in maple. opps what am i talking about? -_- and i think the rainy season is back again... makes me not want to wake up every morning... makes me feel like skipping work... -_- and is there a way to lose weight without doing much exercise, not skipping meals and not stopping myself from eating the things i like? LOL~ i guess i'm just dreaming in my little own world. -_-
actually i'm a little frustrated with my holidays now... i wanna go back to school asap so that i wouldn't lie around doing nothing except to watch anime play games n piss my mum off... i really wanted to start studying or do something more productive...
and i though my school holidays would end on 24 july... which is next week.
the realisation only struck me this morning at 1am.
school only starts on 7 august.
AND THAT'S A FREAKING 3 WEEKS AWAY INSTEAD OF LESS THAN 1 WEEK AWAY!!!
urrrragh! *starts fumbling with hair frantically*
how dumb can i get?! -_-
but in the meantime, i'm kept busy with my anime blog... do go check out, tag and leave comments... actually i'll prefer comments... they'll last for eternity as long as my blog is there... haha! there's so many anime i'm watching currently that i don't even have the time and effort to blog everything i watch! but if i blog my entire day away it seems like i'm neglecting other stuff... like cleaning up my room... *which i had postponed infinitely till further notice...*
and i need to finish ffx-2!!!kh2... "completed"... i skipped the quests part for kh2... fought the final boss just to see the perfect ending... and guess what?! my disc jammed when i was watching the final cg movie. drats it. -_- if i had known it, i wouldn't have restarted my entire game just to watch the movie... i would have gone to youtube to look at the ending and not waste my precious time replaying everything. -_-''' now i'm stuck at the boring quests part of ffx-2... before fighting the final boss... if the disc jams anytime now i'll really go "RARRR!" on the ps2... grrrr~
yeap so that's an update on my boring life. nothing much to talk about anyway, i'm staying at home as much as i can... becoming a hermit, just like my assassin's third class job in maple. opps what am i talking about? -_- and i think the rainy season is back again... makes me not want to wake up every morning... makes me feel like skipping work... -_- and is there a way to lose weight without doing much exercise, not skipping meals and not stopping myself from eating the things i like? LOL~ i guess i'm just dreaming in my little own world. -_-
13 July 2006
假期三个月，我的生活似乎变得颓废。
并不是因为闲得发慌，天天都有很多东西等着我去做，甚至感到时间不够。目标也不是没有，每天的目标就是要完成那天该做的事。如果那天在打工，目标就是能尽早收工回家。*哈哈那多像我的作风~*
只是。。。
长远的未来，对我来说似乎还是个未知数。
学校假期即将结束，假期前为自己设下的目标似乎都没达到；例如事先读好日文，天天打工赚外块--这样就不必跟父母拿零用钱。。。这些所谓的“目标”并没有 达到。目前我的工作薪水不高，一个星期工作不到五天，不过都感觉非常疲惫。终于明白，赚钱不容易。打工后，不是看漫画，看书，就是看动画片，总是轮不到读 日文。。。
总觉得，普通人的假期应该是常常出门，与朋友相聚玩乐的时光。可是，不大善于社交的我却偏爱待在家里，做些无聊的事情。。。或许是对世界感到厌倦，有些时 候早上一睁开眼就有种“啊啊，我还活在这个世上啊~”的感觉。说起来好像有点可笑，好像是在等死这样。不知道是因为我最近所阅读的《灼眼的夏娜》有关，还 是自己悲观到极限。
对世界一点期望也没有。正确的来说，是不要对这世界报有任何期望。不想被世间琐事所困扰，不愿受到伤害。这就是人们所谓的“达到最高境界”吗？
目前的我对现状没有任何不满，在朋友眼里看起来是相当幸福的。或许这真是如此，或许只是个假象。而我不想再想太多，只希望这种平平淡淡的生活不受干扰，继续活在自己的世界里。。。
并不是因为闲得发慌，天天都有很多东西等着我去做，甚至感到时间不够。目标也不是没有，每天的目标就是要完成那天该做的事。如果那天在打工，目标就是能尽早收工回家。*哈哈那多像我的作风~*
只是。。。
长远的未来，对我来说似乎还是个未知数。
学校假期即将结束，假期前为自己设下的目标似乎都没达到；例如事先读好日文，天天打工赚外块--这样就不必跟父母拿零用钱。。。这些所谓的“目标”并没有 达到。目前我的工作薪水不高，一个星期工作不到五天，不过都感觉非常疲惫。终于明白，赚钱不容易。打工后，不是看漫画，看书，就是看动画片，总是轮不到读 日文。。。
总觉得，普通人的假期应该是常常出门，与朋友相聚玩乐的时光。可是，不大善于社交的我却偏爱待在家里，做些无聊的事情。。。或许是对世界感到厌倦，有些时 候早上一睁开眼就有种“啊啊，我还活在这个世上啊~”的感觉。说起来好像有点可笑，好像是在等死这样。不知道是因为我最近所阅读的《灼眼的夏娜》有关，还 是自己悲观到极限。
对世界一点期望也没有。正确的来说，是不要对这世界报有任何期望。不想被世间琐事所困扰，不愿受到伤害。这就是人们所谓的“达到最高境界”吗？
目前的我对现状没有任何不满，在朋友眼里看起来是相当幸福的。或许这真是如此，或许只是个假象。而我不想再想太多，只希望这种平平淡淡的生活不受干扰，继续活在自己的世界里。。。
10 July 2006
belief o matic
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09 July 2006
08 July 2006
aozoranoshita...
yes! my anime blog is finally up and running... still need to tweak with the scripts here and there... especially wrt to the categories... it's driving me mad... but still i suppose it's not bad a start...
here's the url:
～青空の下～ anime blog
hope u guys like it... the template is really simple cos i really have no idea how the script works for blogsome... haha~
i'll still be back to post here once in a while... but since now i have to spend more time online, i suppose i should be able to blog more here as well... oh well... haha~
till then... =)
here's the url:
～青空の下～ anime blog
hope u guys like it... the template is really simple cos i really have no idea how the script works for blogsome... haha~
i'll still be back to post here once in a while... but since now i have to spend more time online, i suppose i should be able to blog more here as well... oh well... haha~
till then... =)
06 July 2006
geez...
*note: i gave up early this morning trying to post here, reposting this saved post*
hmmms... i don't know what's wrong with my browser or blogger... but apparently i can't post my entry here... so i'm retyping this in hope that i get to publish this...
at 2:53am in the morning i'm still awake... cos i'm vexing over whether to start an anime blog or not. and this would definitely take a lot of time out of me... need to come up with new design, and figure out how to organise entries... i've been refering to other pple's anime blogs as a guide, but somehow i'm not exactly satisfied with the functions blogger offer...
however i hope that even if i eventually do start on an anime blog, i will not let this place rot and disintegrate...
i was quite surprised when naveen smsed me a few days ago regarding my blog entry on losing my drive to blog... i guess he regained his motivation to blog after losing it to ns... maybe that's y he tried to talk to me about it, but all the free time i had was spent on anime manga games going out and not blogging... so it's a matter of whether i had the intention or not. but i don't. and i'm not the only one who had lost the drive to blog.. weijie, nico n jon apparently have left their blogs to the spiders as well... mine... only a few mushrooms had gathered.... so... hahaha~
anyway, in this unearthly hour, i can only spare such few words to try and wrap up the millions of thoughts i have currently... and with that pls pray hard that i'll wake up for work tml at 12 and not to be clumsy... oyasuminasai~
hmmms... i don't know what's wrong with my browser or blogger... but apparently i can't post my entry here... so i'm retyping this in hope that i get to publish this...
at 2:53am in the morning i'm still awake... cos i'm vexing over whether to start an anime blog or not. and this would definitely take a lot of time out of me... need to come up with new design, and figure out how to organise entries... i've been refering to other pple's anime blogs as a guide, but somehow i'm not exactly satisfied with the functions blogger offer...
however i hope that even if i eventually do start on an anime blog, i will not let this place rot and disintegrate...
i was quite surprised when naveen smsed me a few days ago regarding my blog entry on losing my drive to blog... i guess he regained his motivation to blog after losing it to ns... maybe that's y he tried to talk to me about it, but all the free time i had was spent on anime manga games going out and not blogging... so it's a matter of whether i had the intention or not. but i don't. and i'm not the only one who had lost the drive to blog.. weijie, nico n jon apparently have left their blogs to the spiders as well... mine... only a few mushrooms had gathered.... so... hahaha~
anyway, in this unearthly hour, i can only spare such few words to try and wrap up the millions of thoughts i have currently... and with that pls pray hard that i'll wake up for work tml at 12 and not to be clumsy... oyasuminasai~
07 June 2006
just a quickie...
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for a while i've been wondering on what i should blog and what i should leave inside my heart... at one point in time i thought of even leaving this blog as it is and not blogging anymore... reason being... there are some thoughts that i want to express, but i do not want some people to see/hear about it... and besides, if readers do trace my previous entries *way back to last year* most of my entries were the boring details on my life...
and so i wonder... y do i blog about my life on my online blog for everyone to see? it's boring and i don't think pple out there will be interested. besides, maybe it's time i should have more privacy and not show my thoughts to the world out there.
or so i thought.
there had been so many things i wanted to express my views on... but these were mere passing thoughts... one moment i thought of blogging it, next moment i'm preoccupied with something else. then i eventually lose track of what i wanted to blog on originally and then i lost the "motivation" to blog for that day. this has happened countless times... i wonder if this is a sign that i'm growing up or that i'm busier and stuff...
i realise that i try to keep details of my current life out of my blog. ironically, some of my friends who do pass by this blog might be looking out to see whether i'm doing well presently... yet, i feel sort of... uneasy... these days... since i don't want those people i'm not willing to share my life with to know what i'm doing now... thus the "battle" within me... i hesitate about whether i want to blog about the things i like... the anime i am crazy about at the present moment, the games i'm going crazy over, or my rumblings on the weather and work and schooling... it's strange why things had to turn out this way...
originally this blog was meant to be a special place for me to vent my thoughts. my deepest thoughts. initally i kept quiet about it, and only 1 person knew about it... later i realised that there are those who found out about my little private space and secretly read all my entries but did not let me know they're aware of my blog. then i finally was aware of it when me and that person became good friends, and i changed the content of my blog so that i could let other people to read about it... and it became a more "open" blog. but now i want back my private space. some solutions would be... to write in a diary. but the reason why i did not keep the diary in the first place was because i was afraid of my family's prying eyes... though i know i could trust them... yet i feel a little uneasy about leaving my thoughts written down in pen and paper lying around in my house.
then again, similarly, now i'm starting to feel a little uneasy about leaving my thoughts lying around in this virtual world where not only my family could access, but the rest of the world. there are private entries which only i myself could access, but if i let all my entries become private then it seems weird for me to even own a blog. besides, there are alot of issues to tackle with... like for example, though my blog is a place for me to "publish" my inner thoughts, i still have to bear responsibility for the things i write here.
in addition, it is indeed quite time consuming to blog. though this is the same as writing diary entries, but for diary entries since it's that private, i feel ok if i just end anyway i do... for blogging i feel responsible for tying up the loose knots after discussing some issue and stuff and i do not like to end abruptly... even when i've lost the train of thought to type, but i still have to force the words out of myself to make things complete...
perhaps i'm now tired of doing things for the sake of doing...? who knows... haha...
maybe it's a sign that i no longer feel the rush of emotions flowing through me anymore... ever since two years ago...
jc life was fun and fulfilling... unlike uni life where we get so much free time to allocate ourselves... it's ok if we neglect our studies... no body pushes you these days in uni... i'm a little afraid that i might become too slack. just talk about studies... my grades are dropping and i'm a little scared. afraid i might not be able to continue taking the accelerated program.
ok sorry i digress.
back to the topic on blogging... i thought of changing my current blog to anime blog = meaning i blog about anime episodes instead of having my own thoughts and life posted online... but this idea always remained as an idea. the work involved is simply too great and seems to take a lot of time out of me... imagine typing one entry per episode per anime... i currently watch at least 5 ongoing anime series, plus i like to have anime marathon of the completed series... besides watching and reviewing, i have to take screenshots... omg the amount of work is... =S so that idea is put off until further notice...
the anime blog idea was so that i could still express my thoughts, except the things i talk about now are a little further from me... it's not exactly about my current life but about something other anime lovers could understand. perhaps it's just an alternative for me to avoid talking about myself. perhaps i just want to shut others from my world except those i feel comfortable with.
with that, i've run out of things to say for now... i shall return some time soon i hope... =)
and so i wonder... y do i blog about my life on my online blog for everyone to see? it's boring and i don't think pple out there will be interested. besides, maybe it's time i should have more privacy and not show my thoughts to the world out there.
or so i thought.
there had been so many things i wanted to express my views on... but these were mere passing thoughts... one moment i thought of blogging it, next moment i'm preoccupied with something else. then i eventually lose track of what i wanted to blog on originally and then i lost the "motivation" to blog for that day. this has happened countless times... i wonder if this is a sign that i'm growing up or that i'm busier and stuff...
i realise that i try to keep details of my current life out of my blog. ironically, some of my friends who do pass by this blog might be looking out to see whether i'm doing well presently... yet, i feel sort of... uneasy... these days... since i don't want those people i'm not willing to share my life with to know what i'm doing now... thus the "battle" within me... i hesitate about whether i want to blog about the things i like... the anime i am crazy about at the present moment, the games i'm going crazy over, or my rumblings on the weather and work and schooling... it's strange why things had to turn out this way...
originally this blog was meant to be a special place for me to vent my thoughts. my deepest thoughts. initally i kept quiet about it, and only 1 person knew about it... later i realised that there are those who found out about my little private space and secretly read all my entries but did not let me know they're aware of my blog. then i finally was aware of it when me and that person became good friends, and i changed the content of my blog so that i could let other people to read about it... and it became a more "open" blog. but now i want back my private space. some solutions would be... to write in a diary. but the reason why i did not keep the diary in the first place was because i was afraid of my family's prying eyes... though i know i could trust them... yet i feel a little uneasy about leaving my thoughts written down in pen and paper lying around in my house.
then again, similarly, now i'm starting to feel a little uneasy about leaving my thoughts lying around in this virtual world where not only my family could access, but the rest of the world. there are private entries which only i myself could access, but if i let all my entries become private then it seems weird for me to even own a blog. besides, there are alot of issues to tackle with... like for example, though my blog is a place for me to "publish" my inner thoughts, i still have to bear responsibility for the things i write here.
in addition, it is indeed quite time consuming to blog. though this is the same as writing diary entries, but for diary entries since it's that private, i feel ok if i just end anyway i do... for blogging i feel responsible for tying up the loose knots after discussing some issue and stuff and i do not like to end abruptly... even when i've lost the train of thought to type, but i still have to force the words out of myself to make things complete...
perhaps i'm now tired of doing things for the sake of doing...? who knows... haha...
maybe it's a sign that i no longer feel the rush of emotions flowing through me anymore... ever since two years ago...
jc life was fun and fulfilling... unlike uni life where we get so much free time to allocate ourselves... it's ok if we neglect our studies... no body pushes you these days in uni... i'm a little afraid that i might become too slack. just talk about studies... my grades are dropping and i'm a little scared. afraid i might not be able to continue taking the accelerated program.
ok sorry i digress.
back to the topic on blogging... i thought of changing my current blog to anime blog = meaning i blog about anime episodes instead of having my own thoughts and life posted online... but this idea always remained as an idea. the work involved is simply too great and seems to take a lot of time out of me... imagine typing one entry per episode per anime... i currently watch at least 5 ongoing anime series, plus i like to have anime marathon of the completed series... besides watching and reviewing, i have to take screenshots... omg the amount of work is... =S so that idea is put off until further notice...
the anime blog idea was so that i could still express my thoughts, except the things i talk about now are a little further from me... it's not exactly about my current life but about something other anime lovers could understand. perhaps it's just an alternative for me to avoid talking about myself. perhaps i just want to shut others from my world except those i feel comfortable with.
with that, i've run out of things to say for now... i shall return some time soon i hope... =)
24 May 2006
ahems. *tries to clear throat*
by the request of one of my bestest friends yuchun... i shall attempt to post something here to show i'm not exactly being a hermit... haha~
the reason for my absense from the msn community as well as from my blog, oh well besides what yuchun had pointed out *playing kh2*... i was catching up on loads of manga n anime, and not to mention i'm terribly sick. down with flu, cough and fever... still on the long journey to recovery. the flam in my throat is extremely irritating, hard for me to sleep at night cos i cannot breath due to that thick flam in my lungs n throat. yeap so there u go.
oh some more updates... eh i cut my hair. shorter than yuchun's. *pause to see pple laffing* okies fine. her hairstyle is cute. my hairstyle pls dun comment k? wahaha~
other miscellanous things... i'm finally going overseas this holidays! been such a long time since i was out of singapore... can't wait to go shopping crazy for that trip... going to taiwan next month before my brother has to go back for school...
on a side note... my brother just returned a few days from his 1 week trip to china... *makes me jealous.. haha~* and surprisingly he actually bought souvenirs for us! haha really big breakthrough... besides he actually bought himself clothes and shoes in china! me n my family were damn shocked since he's the really lazy kind... clothes shoes everything is my mum buy for him... lolx~ and i'm darn happy when he bought this necklace... oh well he din say who it was for... for either me n my sis... but ahems. now i kop it for myself le... wahahaha~ really happy that he actually had that thought... shall wear it next time when i go out =)
haha that's all i have to say for now. dun expect much from someone who seldom opens her mouth to talk these days *no voice... not even sexy voice -_-* oh well i hope i'll get well before i go for taiwan trip! ~sobz~
by the request of one of my bestest friends yuchun... i shall attempt to post something here to show i'm not exactly being a hermit... haha~
the reason for my absense from the msn community as well as from my blog, oh well besides what yuchun had pointed out *playing kh2*... i was catching up on loads of manga n anime, and not to mention i'm terribly sick. down with flu, cough and fever... still on the long journey to recovery. the flam in my throat is extremely irritating, hard for me to sleep at night cos i cannot breath due to that thick flam in my lungs n throat. yeap so there u go.
oh some more updates... eh i cut my hair. shorter than yuchun's. *pause to see pple laffing* okies fine. her hairstyle is cute. my hairstyle pls dun comment k? wahaha~
other miscellanous things... i'm finally going overseas this holidays! been such a long time since i was out of singapore... can't wait to go shopping crazy for that trip... going to taiwan next month before my brother has to go back for school...
on a side note... my brother just returned a few days from his 1 week trip to china... *makes me jealous.. haha~* and surprisingly he actually bought souvenirs for us! haha really big breakthrough... besides he actually bought himself clothes and shoes in china! me n my family were damn shocked since he's the really lazy kind... clothes shoes everything is my mum buy for him... lolx~ and i'm darn happy when he bought this necklace... oh well he din say who it was for... for either me n my sis... but ahems. now i kop it for myself le... wahahaha~ really happy that he actually had that thought... shall wear it next time when i go out =)
haha that's all i have to say for now. dun expect much from someone who seldom opens her mouth to talk these days *no voice... not even sexy voice -_-* oh well i hope i'll get well before i go for taiwan trip! ~sobz~
12 May 2006
07 May 2006
the hermit
i've been wondering what i should start posting since my exams are over... as i mentioned beforehand... i've had like... one month's worth of posts to put up... and furthermore late at the night after one full day of activities... i don't really think i'll really spit out that 1 month's worth of vomit here yet... haha... so u guys are spared...
and nope i'm not here to talk about singapore politics... sadly, my area didn't get to vote... the pap walked over for the hong kah district... so yeap i'm not exactly very interested in the results unlike some of my other friends *eg. miao juan* except whether any opposition parties are represented in the parliment... and i'm happy that the potong pasir side didn't fall to pap's hands... muahahaha! *ok i sound a little... crazy... -_-*
short summary of what i did today... went out to play badminton with zhanxin n wendy this morning... followed by ny class gathering at orchard.... nice dinner wif u guys! and had fun trying to decipher tarot card readings with u guys... haha~ though yuchun complained that she didn't feel she helped pple out with the readings... but hey... somehow i felt tarot cards aren't the ones that give others solutions... pple turn to tarot cards for the shortcut out of their problems... the person in control of their lives is themselves... unless they decide to let the tarot cards take control of their life... but of course... when it comes to big things that has to do with fate perhaps one couldn't exactly "control" their life in that aspect... however i still believe *strangely* that if one has the will... it is still possible to change one's fate in the future... the future is ever changing... don't let what the cards show u get u down... it only serves as a guide... =) *though i would love if the tarot cards can predict what will happen to me in the future... haha~*
after today... i kinda had some new "insights" with my life now... i've had been hiding in my hermit cave for one month... for that month i had been wondering about what i've been doing in my life since i started uni life... sadly i felt as though i've totally lost my goal... i no longer know what i was working for... i thought i was working for myself in the beginning... then i sorta lost that motivation... it's so hard to be independent... but slowly i'm learning how to let go of depending on others... this is a promise to myself... i will not let others make me cling onto them and i will always be self-sufficient... i will be able to survive on my own...
someone had commented *i don't know whether he said it jokingly or what* that i'm the one 敷衍-ing people... while i kept thinking that it's others that are doing it to one another... after he commented on that i started to think back... and realise... it's probably my perception that made me 敷衍 others instead of others doing to me... so why did i feel this way? perhaps it had to do with trust... i don't feel like i trust the new friends i made in uni... maybe that's y i feel and act distant from most of them...
make use of others and let others make use of u... i felt it was some sort of the rule of the working society... maybe i was too cynical... to survive in this dog eat dog cat eat dog (???) world... i tried to make sure others couldn't make use of me without me having no chance of fighting back... i'm tired of being made use by others such that i had totally no control of what i really wanted to do... so i tried to do the opposite... it didn't felt me... strangely... i wonder what made me change my perception of life...
ever since "my world" fell apart and i tried piecing up the shards together... strangely the things held themselves differently... it seemed as though the "old me" was pieced differently now... i no longer felt things as i would have in the past... i didn't feel as emotional as before... morals.. i felt like i've betrayed the morals i held precious last time... it feels as though as one ages... the things they believe in become drenched in the darkness of the world... the original light and purity is washed away with time. or maybe i'm the only one who feels this way... feeling like some criminal guilty of breaking and hurting people's hearts... instead of the sensitive being in the past who tried to heal those hurt by those other "devils"... so now i've succumbed to the dark and joined in... if i judged my current self using my past model of values... i would probably have hated my current self. i keep asking myself why this is so... where is the old me...
and i realise i have totally no idea who my "old self" is... neither my current self.
the current me... money orientated... materialistic? more straightforward, practical, decisive...
the past... moody... gentler... emotional... someone who will stand by her friends...
i felt the life i view presently is so sad... if people only live to manipulate others and to be manipulated... i want to believe that things isn't that sadistic... not everybody has a motive behind every action they do...
but while i preach this, i feel i'm not exactly following this strictly if u consider my current uni life. i call my uni friends up when i've got a favour to ask from them... i don't exactly ring them up just for a chat or stuff... neither will i go on crazy shopping trips... or appear when they ring up on me to ask me out straightaway...
i hate that. i hate people doing things because of some hidden agenda. that's y i'm disgusted with those people who try to seek attention or some sort of gains from others just by their actions... i'm disgusted with myself for "敷衍" the uni aquintances... i wish i didn't become the person i depise... and i wonder how i can return to the person i once was...
things that happened today made me realise that... i still love the people i once loved... no matter how much they made me love, hate, smile and cry... i'm happy that it once happened. i'm happy that u're doing well now... though u're still as blur as before... haha! thank you... yeap... that's what i really want to say to you... though i doubt u know i'm refering to you, or you'll even view this webby... haha! i know i'm not -that- important to you that u'll show that much concern to visit my blog lar... but still... wish you all the best... live happy ok? i'm going to prove to you that i'll do better than u... and so u better dun lose to me (that fast) ok? or else it's no fun already... haha!
i'm still trying to find my balance... and to find my own opinion on a lot of issues... especially wrt love... i know i have very pessimistic views on love... oh well if i don't have optimistic ideas on trust u can't expect me to be optimistic about love too... =P but still... looking at the things that happened to those around me... geez... all the darkness of human character... i realise i'm probably too naive to maintain on my stand on love... i'm perhaps too idealistic... what true love... now it looks like bull shit... haha~ i wonder if the idea itself stands... what is true love? love that lasts forever? in that case it can't be true... since love dies with death and will fade away with time...
maybe i'm learning to seek answers that can be grasped with my two hands instead of something more abstract and spiritual...
sighz... is this what time does to me?
maybe i'm just speaking in circles until i'm incoherent... i shall stop for now and continue soon...
and nope i'm not here to talk about singapore politics... sadly, my area didn't get to vote... the pap walked over for the hong kah district... so yeap i'm not exactly very interested in the results unlike some of my other friends *eg. miao juan* except whether any opposition parties are represented in the parliment... and i'm happy that the potong pasir side didn't fall to pap's hands... muahahaha! *ok i sound a little... crazy... -_-*
short summary of what i did today... went out to play badminton with zhanxin n wendy this morning... followed by ny class gathering at orchard.... nice dinner wif u guys! and had fun trying to decipher tarot card readings with u guys... haha~ though yuchun complained that she didn't feel she helped pple out with the readings... but hey... somehow i felt tarot cards aren't the ones that give others solutions... pple turn to tarot cards for the shortcut out of their problems... the person in control of their lives is themselves... unless they decide to let the tarot cards take control of their life... but of course... when it comes to big things that has to do with fate perhaps one couldn't exactly "control" their life in that aspect... however i still believe *strangely* that if one has the will... it is still possible to change one's fate in the future... the future is ever changing... don't let what the cards show u get u down... it only serves as a guide... =) *though i would love if the tarot cards can predict what will happen to me in the future... haha~*
after today... i kinda had some new "insights" with my life now... i've had been hiding in my hermit cave for one month... for that month i had been wondering about what i've been doing in my life since i started uni life... sadly i felt as though i've totally lost my goal... i no longer know what i was working for... i thought i was working for myself in the beginning... then i sorta lost that motivation... it's so hard to be independent... but slowly i'm learning how to let go of depending on others... this is a promise to myself... i will not let others make me cling onto them and i will always be self-sufficient... i will be able to survive on my own...
someone had commented *i don't know whether he said it jokingly or what* that i'm the one 敷衍-ing people... while i kept thinking that it's others that are doing it to one another... after he commented on that i started to think back... and realise... it's probably my perception that made me 敷衍 others instead of others doing to me... so why did i feel this way? perhaps it had to do with trust... i don't feel like i trust the new friends i made in uni... maybe that's y i feel and act distant from most of them...
make use of others and let others make use of u... i felt it was some sort of the rule of the working society... maybe i was too cynical... to survive in this dog eat dog cat eat dog (???) world... i tried to make sure others couldn't make use of me without me having no chance of fighting back... i'm tired of being made use by others such that i had totally no control of what i really wanted to do... so i tried to do the opposite... it didn't felt me... strangely... i wonder what made me change my perception of life...
ever since "my world" fell apart and i tried piecing up the shards together... strangely the things held themselves differently... it seemed as though the "old me" was pieced differently now... i no longer felt things as i would have in the past... i didn't feel as emotional as before... morals.. i felt like i've betrayed the morals i held precious last time... it feels as though as one ages... the things they believe in become drenched in the darkness of the world... the original light and purity is washed away with time. or maybe i'm the only one who feels this way... feeling like some criminal guilty of breaking and hurting people's hearts... instead of the sensitive being in the past who tried to heal those hurt by those other "devils"... so now i've succumbed to the dark and joined in... if i judged my current self using my past model of values... i would probably have hated my current self. i keep asking myself why this is so... where is the old me...
and i realise i have totally no idea who my "old self" is... neither my current self.
the current me... money orientated... materialistic? more straightforward, practical, decisive...
the past... moody... gentler... emotional... someone who will stand by her friends...
i felt the life i view presently is so sad... if people only live to manipulate others and to be manipulated... i want to believe that things isn't that sadistic... not everybody has a motive behind every action they do...
but while i preach this, i feel i'm not exactly following this strictly if u consider my current uni life. i call my uni friends up when i've got a favour to ask from them... i don't exactly ring them up just for a chat or stuff... neither will i go on crazy shopping trips... or appear when they ring up on me to ask me out straightaway...
i hate that. i hate people doing things because of some hidden agenda. that's y i'm disgusted with those people who try to seek attention or some sort of gains from others just by their actions... i'm disgusted with myself for "敷衍" the uni aquintances... i wish i didn't become the person i depise... and i wonder how i can return to the person i once was...
things that happened today made me realise that... i still love the people i once loved... no matter how much they made me love, hate, smile and cry... i'm happy that it once happened. i'm happy that u're doing well now... though u're still as blur as before... haha! thank you... yeap... that's what i really want to say to you... though i doubt u know i'm refering to you, or you'll even view this webby... haha! i know i'm not -that- important to you that u'll show that much concern to visit my blog lar... but still... wish you all the best... live happy ok? i'm going to prove to you that i'll do better than u... and so u better dun lose to me (that fast) ok? or else it's no fun already... haha!
i'm still trying to find my balance... and to find my own opinion on a lot of issues... especially wrt love... i know i have very pessimistic views on love... oh well if i don't have optimistic ideas on trust u can't expect me to be optimistic about love too... =P but still... looking at the things that happened to those around me... geez... all the darkness of human character... i realise i'm probably too naive to maintain on my stand on love... i'm perhaps too idealistic... what true love... now it looks like bull shit... haha~ i wonder if the idea itself stands... what is true love? love that lasts forever? in that case it can't be true... since love dies with death and will fade away with time...
maybe i'm learning to seek answers that can be grasped with my two hands instead of something more abstract and spiritual...
sighz... is this what time does to me?
maybe i'm just speaking in circles until i'm incoherent... i shall stop for now and continue soon...
29 April 2006
like this new layout? actually i find it a little too overcrowded... this is best viewed in internet explorer... it wun look -that- messy... but unfortunately i'm using mozilla... =S
on a side note... i drew the picture on the left... spent half the day trying to colour it... first i used watercolour... turns out i totally lack the skill... so i tried to use computer to colour it... oh well... guess i'm not cut out to be some animator or manga artist... wahahaha~
i'll post more on this layout... it is actually sorta inspired by a story i got to know... i guess only a few would know of this story... called ice and dark...
just a few days more before i can finally crawl out of my hermit shell... *not that i'm in it now anyway*
and i've got loads to rant on... imagine all 1 month's worth of posts all built up and stuff... when i explode... ahems... just... be careful... wahaha~
okies... onto the story... ice and dark...
on a side note... i drew the picture on the left... spent half the day trying to colour it... first i used watercolour... turns out i totally lack the skill... so i tried to use computer to colour it... oh well... guess i'm not cut out to be some animator or manga artist... wahahaha~
i'll post more on this layout... it is actually sorta inspired by a story i got to know... i guess only a few would know of this story... called ice and dark...
just a few days more before i can finally crawl out of my hermit shell... *not that i'm in it now anyway*
and i've got loads to rant on... imagine all 1 month's worth of posts all built up and stuff... when i explode... ahems... just... be careful... wahaha~
okies... onto the story... ice and dark...
Ice and Dark
Ice and Dark
Once upon a time, a simple peasant girl called Freedert lived in a village. There were two boys whom she was friends with when she was young, Elliot and Kael. The three of them were always together. However at some point, Elliot and Freedert fell in love with one another. Elliot was the son of a fedual lord who lorded over a great expanse of land. Due to the social difference between the couple, nobody around them would accept their love. Yet, their love only deepened, and no matter what others said, they were happy. They promised to be together forever.
However, war began, and Elliot was to defend the village. "I will definitely come back alive", Elliot told Freedert. Believing his words, Freedert gave Elliot a sword to protect himself.
On the morning Elliot was to leave, he asked Kael, his best friend who he believed could be trusted, to look after Freedert. However, Kael was also madly in love with Freedert, enough to make him hate his best friend.
Kael went to the work of art that had been handed down in the village -- the Second Hand of Time, believed to be the guardian of time, and made a forbidden wish.
"Please, stop Elliot's time. I know that I'm wrong to ask this, but... I don't want Freedert to belong to him... If Elliot dies in battle, I'm sure Freedert will..."
Elliot took a spear in the back and died in battle while protecting the last fortress protecting the village. That spear had the shape of a giant second hand.
Hearing news of Elliot's death, Freedert ran to the Second Hand of Time and prayed.
"Please give all of my time to him."
The artwork granted her wish. Freedert's time was given to Elliot, and he returned to life. Instead of a pool of his own blood, Elliot was surrounded by the scarlet roses that Freedert had loved. He returned to the village, where he saw a cold gravestone with Freedert's name carved upon it. This time, Elliot went to the Second Hand of Time and prayed.
"If it is her light that is giving me life, I return this light to her."
With that, Elliot drew the sword Freedert had given to protect him, and stabbed himself.
At the foot of the Second Hand of Time where Elliot had fallen, the sword emitted a strange light...
Kael's End
Kael never though that his wish would lead to the death of his beloved Freedert. He continually suffered from regret and dispair. Then, after writing the story "Ice and Dark" as a way to pass the story down, and as a confession, he was finally allowed to die.
Elliot's sword became known as the "Link Pin of Time" and went missing after Kael's death...
The Second Hand of Time
The Second Hand of Time cannot move time that had been stopped. All it could do was to freeze Freedert's time when she made her wish. Ever since, Freedert's soul and the Second Hand of Time exist as one, frozen within the artwork.
The Second Hand of Time saved Freedert from the clutches of death, while Freedert saved the artwork from being destroyed by its makers out of fear of the magic harboured by the artpiece. The makers were touched by Freedert's strong feelings, thus the Second Hand of Time was spared from its fate.
In the meantime, Freedert waited for Elliot, believing that he would return to her side someday. Though Elliot was already dead, Freedert believed his soul was still alive. It might be in a different vessel, but Freedert was certain he was searching for her...
The Fate of the Second Hand of Time
However, the Second Hand of Time was being worn down as time passes, and it reached the end of its time.
Just before Freedert disappears together with the Second Hand of Time, the Link Pin of Time was uncovered by the descendant of the Second Hand of Time's makers. In an attempt to grant the artwork's last wish, the descendant delievered Elliot's sword to the Second Hand of Time.
Freedert was dying within the Second Hand of Time when she saw Elliot falling through the air towards her. Bursting with joy that her wait was not in vain, she embraced Elliot, and they finally fulfilled their promise to be together forever. However, Elliot's soul was actually in the form of the sword, and it pierced through Freedert's soul, releasing a flurry of scarlet rose petals...
And the Second Hand of Time shattered...
No matter what happens,
never let go of the person important to you.
Don't choose death
in order to protect them.
No matter what happens,
you must live to protect them.
Humans tried to capture time, which has no shape, to make something.
So that humans, who are not eternal, can believe in eternity...
*special thanks/credits to the subbers at #shounen.AI for the translation... this story was originally presented in japanese in an anime...
Caged Bird
高く どのくらい 飛んでいったら
遙か遠くの 君が みえなくなるの？
瞳 そらせば 樂になるのかもしれない
でも いつもどこかで 見つめていたい
忘れることなんて できはしないから
なす術もなく 空を見上げてるだけ
まるで籠の中の 小さな鳥のように
窗を探して あてもなく さまよっている
今すぐに會いたい 君が好きだから
傷つくことが 恐くて逃げたいけど
見えない柵に 翼 囚われても
それでも君は 悲しいほど 大切な人
takaku dono kurai tonde ittara
haruka tooku no kimi ga mienaku naru no?
hitomi soraseba raku ni naru no kamo shirenai
demo itsumo dokoka de mitsumete itai
wasureru koto nante deki wa shinai kara
nasu sube mo naku sora wo miageteru dake
marude kago no kana no chiisana tori no you ni
mado wo sagashite atemo naku samayotte iru
ima sugu ni aitai kimi ga suki dakara
kizutsuku koto ga kowakute nigetai kedo
mienai shigarami ni tsubasa torawaretemo
sore demo kimi wa kanashii hodo taisetsu na hito
Hitomi soraseba raku ni naru kamo shirenai
Demo itsumo dokoka de mitsumete itai
How high would I have to fly
To lose sight of you, so far away?
If I turn my eyes away, I might feel better.
But I want to always be looking at you from somewhere.
Because there's no way I could forget you.
At my wits' end, I simply keep staring up at the sky.
It's almost as if I were like a small bird inside a cage,
Searching for the window, aimlessly wandering around.
I want to see you right away, because I love you,
Even though I want to run away because I'm scared of being hurt.
If this unseen barrier around me should tear away my wings,
Still, you are so precious to me that it makes me sad.
Once upon a time, a simple peasant girl called Freedert lived in a village. There were two boys whom she was friends with when she was young, Elliot and Kael. The three of them were always together. However at some point, Elliot and Freedert fell in love with one another. Elliot was the son of a fedual lord who lorded over a great expanse of land. Due to the social difference between the couple, nobody around them would accept their love. Yet, their love only deepened, and no matter what others said, they were happy. They promised to be together forever.
However, war began, and Elliot was to defend the village. "I will definitely come back alive", Elliot told Freedert. Believing his words, Freedert gave Elliot a sword to protect himself.
On the morning Elliot was to leave, he asked Kael, his best friend who he believed could be trusted, to look after Freedert. However, Kael was also madly in love with Freedert, enough to make him hate his best friend.
Kael went to the work of art that had been handed down in the village -- the Second Hand of Time, believed to be the guardian of time, and made a forbidden wish.
"Please, stop Elliot's time. I know that I'm wrong to ask this, but... I don't want Freedert to belong to him... If Elliot dies in battle, I'm sure Freedert will..."
Elliot took a spear in the back and died in battle while protecting the last fortress protecting the village. That spear had the shape of a giant second hand.
Hearing news of Elliot's death, Freedert ran to the Second Hand of Time and prayed.
"Please give all of my time to him."
The artwork granted her wish. Freedert's time was given to Elliot, and he returned to life. Instead of a pool of his own blood, Elliot was surrounded by the scarlet roses that Freedert had loved. He returned to the village, where he saw a cold gravestone with Freedert's name carved upon it. This time, Elliot went to the Second Hand of Time and prayed.
"If it is her light that is giving me life, I return this light to her."
With that, Elliot drew the sword Freedert had given to protect him, and stabbed himself.
At the foot of the Second Hand of Time where Elliot had fallen, the sword emitted a strange light...
Kael's End
Kael never though that his wish would lead to the death of his beloved Freedert. He continually suffered from regret and dispair. Then, after writing the story "Ice and Dark" as a way to pass the story down, and as a confession, he was finally allowed to die.
Elliot's sword became known as the "Link Pin of Time" and went missing after Kael's death...
The Second Hand of Time
The Second Hand of Time cannot move time that had been stopped. All it could do was to freeze Freedert's time when she made her wish. Ever since, Freedert's soul and the Second Hand of Time exist as one, frozen within the artwork.
The Second Hand of Time saved Freedert from the clutches of death, while Freedert saved the artwork from being destroyed by its makers out of fear of the magic harboured by the artpiece. The makers were touched by Freedert's strong feelings, thus the Second Hand of Time was spared from its fate.
In the meantime, Freedert waited for Elliot, believing that he would return to her side someday. Though Elliot was already dead, Freedert believed his soul was still alive. It might be in a different vessel, but Freedert was certain he was searching for her...
The Fate of the Second Hand of Time
However, the Second Hand of Time was being worn down as time passes, and it reached the end of its time.
Just before Freedert disappears together with the Second Hand of Time, the Link Pin of Time was uncovered by the descendant of the Second Hand of Time's makers. In an attempt to grant the artwork's last wish, the descendant delievered Elliot's sword to the Second Hand of Time.
Freedert was dying within the Second Hand of Time when she saw Elliot falling through the air towards her. Bursting with joy that her wait was not in vain, she embraced Elliot, and they finally fulfilled their promise to be together forever. However, Elliot's soul was actually in the form of the sword, and it pierced through Freedert's soul, releasing a flurry of scarlet rose petals...
And the Second Hand of Time shattered...
No matter what happens,
never let go of the person important to you.
Don't choose death
in order to protect them.
No matter what happens,
you must live to protect them.
Humans tried to capture time, which has no shape, to make something.
So that humans, who are not eternal, can believe in eternity...
*special thanks/credits to the subbers at #shounen.AI for the translation... this story was originally presented in japanese in an anime...
Caged Bird
高く どのくらい 飛んでいったら
遙か遠くの 君が みえなくなるの？
瞳 そらせば 樂になるのかもしれない
でも いつもどこかで 見つめていたい
忘れることなんて できはしないから
なす術もなく 空を見上げてるだけ
まるで籠の中の 小さな鳥のように
窗を探して あてもなく さまよっている
今すぐに會いたい 君が好きだから
傷つくことが 恐くて逃げたいけど
見えない柵に 翼 囚われても
それでも君は 悲しいほど 大切な人
takaku dono kurai tonde ittara
haruka tooku no kimi ga mienaku naru no?
hitomi soraseba raku ni naru no kamo shirenai
demo itsumo dokoka de mitsumete itai
wasureru koto nante deki wa shinai kara
nasu sube mo naku sora wo miageteru dake
marude kago no kana no chiisana tori no you ni
mado wo sagashite atemo naku samayotte iru
ima sugu ni aitai kimi ga suki dakara
kizutsuku koto ga kowakute nigetai kedo
mienai shigarami ni tsubasa torawaretemo
sore demo kimi wa kanashii hodo taisetsu na hito
Hitomi soraseba raku ni naru kamo shirenai
Demo itsumo dokoka de mitsumete itai
How high would I have to fly
To lose sight of you, so far away?
If I turn my eyes away, I might feel better.
But I want to always be looking at you from somewhere.
Because there's no way I could forget you.
At my wits' end, I simply keep staring up at the sky.
It's almost as if I were like a small bird inside a cage,
Searching for the window, aimlessly wandering around.
I want to see you right away, because I love you,
Even though I want to run away because I'm scared of being hurt.
If this unseen barrier around me should tear away my wings,
Still, you are so precious to me that it makes me sad.
03 April 2006
this shall be my last post before i officially go into the mountains to become a hermit to mug hard n concentrate for my exams.
up till now... i don't even know what i have been doing. for a while these two days i thought i had found my goal... that is to work hard to maintain my gpa, if not increase it... but look at today... i just flunked my two tests... i doubt anyone will believe if i said that infront of my tutorial mates... i don't know how i feel... ashamed? indifferent? worried? i seriously have no idea. for the first time out of 7 questions in physics i only know how to do 2... and i've got the formula list with me somemore?! wth is going on with me? i kinda hate myself now.
i realised i have lost my motivation to study. kinda depressed now... no idea why that's the case, or whatever that's bothering me. maybe it's bad karma for all the bad things i've done this semester and maybe in the past as well. heaven is fair. it rewards those who worked hard enough and "punishes" those who slacked. oh well i admit i slacked quite a lot this sem... i wasn't very serious... and i lost my determination so damn easily. so whoever that's up there... i think they're having a good laugh at me.
reflecting on the day now... i think it sux. first i flunk the two tests... secondly i tripped on a step on the staircase... i malu myself in front of a guy in my class... in addition i think i accidentally strained my ankle... then after that when i went home on the bus i banged my head on the ceiling of the double decker bus. when i reached home i realise that there had been a huge swarm of bees that "invaded" my parent's room... and my parents had spent the afternoon getting rid of that huge hive... but still there were some fly around in my house... when i went home i was damn freaked out by the lone bee in the bathroom... din dare to bathe... the whole house was enclosed... all windows shut in fear of the remaining bees outside my house would come in from the bathroom window... i guess my family got irritated by me for my fear of bees... and i'm the only one in the family squealing with the bees whether dead or alive in wherever i was... sighz. i'm scared of bees. i'm scared of things that fly. i admit i'm selfish cos i don't wana help u guys to "clear" the bees cos i'm scared of those bees... so i'm sorry i can't do anything to help u guys...
geez. i really hate myself.
what's wrong with me?
i don't even have a single idea.
just that... maybe there's too much things running around in my head now... i don't even know how to sort them out properly.
am i happy? sad?
maybe i'm just lost.
procrastinating wouldn't help! for goodness sake. stop it!
i think i'm going hysterical.
up till now... i don't even know what i have been doing. for a while these two days i thought i had found my goal... that is to work hard to maintain my gpa, if not increase it... but look at today... i just flunked my two tests... i doubt anyone will believe if i said that infront of my tutorial mates... i don't know how i feel... ashamed? indifferent? worried? i seriously have no idea. for the first time out of 7 questions in physics i only know how to do 2... and i've got the formula list with me somemore?! wth is going on with me? i kinda hate myself now.
i realised i have lost my motivation to study. kinda depressed now... no idea why that's the case, or whatever that's bothering me. maybe it's bad karma for all the bad things i've done this semester and maybe in the past as well. heaven is fair. it rewards those who worked hard enough and "punishes" those who slacked. oh well i admit i slacked quite a lot this sem... i wasn't very serious... and i lost my determination so damn easily. so whoever that's up there... i think they're having a good laugh at me.
reflecting on the day now... i think it sux. first i flunk the two tests... secondly i tripped on a step on the staircase... i malu myself in front of a guy in my class... in addition i think i accidentally strained my ankle... then after that when i went home on the bus i banged my head on the ceiling of the double decker bus. when i reached home i realise that there had been a huge swarm of bees that "invaded" my parent's room... and my parents had spent the afternoon getting rid of that huge hive... but still there were some fly around in my house... when i went home i was damn freaked out by the lone bee in the bathroom... din dare to bathe... the whole house was enclosed... all windows shut in fear of the remaining bees outside my house would come in from the bathroom window... i guess my family got irritated by me for my fear of bees... and i'm the only one in the family squealing with the bees whether dead or alive in wherever i was... sighz. i'm scared of bees. i'm scared of things that fly. i admit i'm selfish cos i don't wana help u guys to "clear" the bees cos i'm scared of those bees... so i'm sorry i can't do anything to help u guys...
geez. i really hate myself.
what's wrong with me?
i don't even have a single idea.
just that... maybe there's too much things running around in my head now... i don't even know how to sort them out properly.
am i happy? sad?
maybe i'm just lost.
procrastinating wouldn't help! for goodness sake. stop it!
i think i'm going hysterical.
01 April 2006
tried to study at macs today... in the end got chased away cos they wanted to use the seat i occupied for the birthday party... siandeds i left macs... went to loiter around west mall... before that sundoll guy popped by macs... passed me manga... got me surprised earlier cos he tricked me saying he was at my house there ask me go down to get stuff from him when i mugging in macs... yeap that was the first and probably the only april fool's day joke i'll receive today anyway... haha~
anyway... went west mall... walked around aimlessly... went to the library in hope that perhaps i could mug there... found a seat there... and only to realise... that it was the same exact seat i sat down at slightly more than a year ago... strangely that memory was still fresh... and that was all to sorta sink my mood.
i remembered i had lunch break that time... i was still working at west mall atrium there... and i had quickly ate lunch... so that i could go to the library, find a place to do my cross stitch... i remembered how happy i was... despite how tiring it was... yet... now... that unfinished cross stitch stood lying in my room, somewhere hidden away...
enough. i thought i had buried you away into the depths of my memories... but u still came back.
够了。这难道是你在愚人节对我开的玩笑吗？
够了。我不想再听到你说的谎言。
够了。我根本就不再需要你了。
够了。请你让我自由。
我要快乐
歌手：张惠妹 专辑：我要快乐
又被爱伤了一遍
无所谓当作成长
刚刚走开的人
烟还点着味道却淡了
我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有
我要快乐 我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨我早应该割舍
我要快乐 哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
只有眼泪是真的
把从前想了一遍
谢谢了伤我的人
想做乐观的人
每种雨声听了都不冷
我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有
我要快乐 我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨我早应该割舍
我要快乐 哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
我的决定是对的
anyway... went west mall... walked around aimlessly... went to the library in hope that perhaps i could mug there... found a seat there... and only to realise... that it was the same exact seat i sat down at slightly more than a year ago... strangely that memory was still fresh... and that was all to sorta sink my mood.
i remembered i had lunch break that time... i was still working at west mall atrium there... and i had quickly ate lunch... so that i could go to the library, find a place to do my cross stitch... i remembered how happy i was... despite how tiring it was... yet... now... that unfinished cross stitch stood lying in my room, somewhere hidden away...
enough. i thought i had buried you away into the depths of my memories... but u still came back.
够了。这难道是你在愚人节对我开的玩笑吗？
够了。我不想再听到你说的谎言。
够了。我根本就不再需要你了。
够了。请你让我自由。
我要快乐
歌手：张惠妹 专辑：我要快乐
又被爱伤了一遍
无所谓当作成长
刚刚走开的人
烟还点着味道却淡了
我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有
我要快乐 我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨我早应该割舍
我要快乐 哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
只有眼泪是真的
把从前想了一遍
谢谢了伤我的人
想做乐观的人
每种雨声听了都不冷
我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有
我要快乐 我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨我早应该割舍
我要快乐 哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
我的决定是对的
28 March 2006
late in the night at around 1.30am now...
feeling tireds... back aching like siao... but strangely i don't wanna sleep...
don't wanna admit i'm tireds... don't wanna stop in my path now...
keep running... till the finishing line...
where is the finishing line? it seems so far away...
is the finishing line the day when i finish my exams? or is it the day i lay in eternal slumber?
i've come to admit that no matter what, what that has to happen will happen. there's no way to avoid that. maybe i'm being extremely fatalistic now... i tried to "challenge" fate... i don't know whether i look forward to what fate brings to me... jokes or pain or whatever... i don't even know whether i cared what was going to happen to me. loads of thoughts passing through my mind quickly... without giving me the chance to catch them, to conceptualise them... listening to ah mei's 我要快乐... thinking about a poem i saw a long time ago... "i hate how u make me not hate u. not even a single bit" *ok this was based on memory... exact poem look through my archives* thinking about the distant past which somehow didn't hurt as much as before. it's good that things seem to have faded. i'm still learning to move on... to live independently without much support from others. i guess the only person one can depend on is yourself. take care of yourself before you can think of taking care of others. all these sound so easy to be done... but of course. it's the converse.
there are times i think my life is a joke. seriously... i think i messed up my life quite a number of times until i have no idea where i am heading. i'm just following whatever the road brings me to...
there are also times when i feel totally helpless down my life path... like i have absolutely no control over the things that were about to happen... even if i knew it was coming... even if i tried to do anything to stop it from happening... the inevitable will still occur... you taught me that.
there are also times when i feel totally stupid... trying to tell myself repeatedly the lies i've made up for you... to explain for the things that have happened... that it wasn't intentional... that it didn't mean anything...
there are times when i just feel like stoning... stopping in the middle of the path and wait for some miracle to happen to move me. tired of making the bad choices. tired of getting hurt. tired of running for some unknown goal. what is the purpose of life itself? i have no idea at all. opps this could become depressing if such a thought persists...
computing quiz tomolo! i've promised bing hui i would finish physics tutorial tonites and i'm slacking away... playing all my games throughout the night... haven't finished studying computing too! i wanna give up already... procrastination at its peak tonites... pre-exam stress probably? strangely playing games did not make me destress at all... in the end i'm a little more stressed cos i haven't done what i'm supposed to do... sighz...
staying over at yin yin's n shian chi's room tml... meaning i might waste my night again tml... sighz~ exams are coming! do buck up sotong! =(
feeling tireds... back aching like siao... but strangely i don't wanna sleep...
don't wanna admit i'm tireds... don't wanna stop in my path now...
keep running... till the finishing line...
where is the finishing line? it seems so far away...
is the finishing line the day when i finish my exams? or is it the day i lay in eternal slumber?
i've come to admit that no matter what, what that has to happen will happen. there's no way to avoid that. maybe i'm being extremely fatalistic now... i tried to "challenge" fate... i don't know whether i look forward to what fate brings to me... jokes or pain or whatever... i don't even know whether i cared what was going to happen to me. loads of thoughts passing through my mind quickly... without giving me the chance to catch them, to conceptualise them... listening to ah mei's 我要快乐... thinking about a poem i saw a long time ago... "i hate how u make me not hate u. not even a single bit" *ok this was based on memory... exact poem look through my archives* thinking about the distant past which somehow didn't hurt as much as before. it's good that things seem to have faded. i'm still learning to move on... to live independently without much support from others. i guess the only person one can depend on is yourself. take care of yourself before you can think of taking care of others. all these sound so easy to be done... but of course. it's the converse.
there are times i think my life is a joke. seriously... i think i messed up my life quite a number of times until i have no idea where i am heading. i'm just following whatever the road brings me to...
there are also times when i feel totally helpless down my life path... like i have absolutely no control over the things that were about to happen... even if i knew it was coming... even if i tried to do anything to stop it from happening... the inevitable will still occur... you taught me that.
there are also times when i feel totally stupid... trying to tell myself repeatedly the lies i've made up for you... to explain for the things that have happened... that it wasn't intentional... that it didn't mean anything...
there are times when i just feel like stoning... stopping in the middle of the path and wait for some miracle to happen to move me. tired of making the bad choices. tired of getting hurt. tired of running for some unknown goal. what is the purpose of life itself? i have no idea at all. opps this could become depressing if such a thought persists...
computing quiz tomolo! i've promised bing hui i would finish physics tutorial tonites and i'm slacking away... playing all my games throughout the night... haven't finished studying computing too! i wanna give up already... procrastination at its peak tonites... pre-exam stress probably? strangely playing games did not make me destress at all... in the end i'm a little more stressed cos i haven't done what i'm supposed to do... sighz...
staying over at yin yin's n shian chi's room tml... meaning i might waste my night again tml... sighz~ exams are coming! do buck up sotong! =(
22 March 2006
i guess i'm really tireds. that's y i no longer have the strength to further suppress those feelings... those memories of you.
today i'm officially fired. lolx that sound furnies... imagine someone using a flamethrower... then the target's butt caught fire... ouch. ok i'm crapping... wahaha~ fired from tuitioning hillview kid... oh well it's something i ought to be relieved about... i had been complaining about not having enough time to do all the things i want... now i get my wish. but strangely i did not feel happy at all. the lesson today i actually fell asleep while trying to teach her for so many times that i gave up trying to teach her and gave her work to do while i sit and continue to stone. i felt that this is probably karma despite how her mum was telling me they wanted her to be independent and study on her own... they didn't think it was my fault *or at least that's how her mum put is*... but somehow i felt a little bad... maybe i didn't work hard enough... sighz...
volleyball yesterday was super fun! if not for shing yeong who wanted to leave early.. i bet i'll have played with them until... maybe... today? LOL... despite whatever feelings i had i guess i have sorta learnt to put them at bay while i enjoy volleyball... maybe that's one of the reasons y i love volleyball so much.
not forgetting the other reasons as well. you included perhaps?
and i finally managed to get my upperhand surf over! ok i dunno wad's the real term for that surf... but it felt good that at least i've made some improvement and not sabotage my team mates that much... though... ahems. i have learnt the wrong technique of using my feet to catch the ball from this guy whose volleyball techniques are quite zai... opps... volleyball supposed to be a "gentle" game.. then now i play until so chor lor... omg... -_-'''
exams coming in... 20 days time... haven't got the time to revise my stuff yet... haven't even caught up with tutorials. what the hell am i doing now. i'm even too tired to cry now. maybe it's karma for me being so caught up with myself. lolx... y do i keep talking about karma in this entry? reminds me of my sis class' favourite phrase... "bad karma"... haha... ok i'm down with bad karma... peace be with me... -_-'''
effective com presentation tml... i am just praying hard that i don't jinx my team mates... cos... so far all the projects i've done... i've never had good results... pw got a "b", the previous effective com assignment i've gotten a "b" again... while everybody else in the world gets "a"... talk about being stressed... -_- sighz... i just wish everything will go well tml...
japanese... i'm so dead... haven't touched the 5 pages of homework at all... crying wun even help now... and my family are bickering now... which doesn't make things better... i wish life could be a little easier... but obviously things aren't that easy...
which brings to mind the cinematics pleasure test yesterday... haiz another quiz gone down the drain... qingyu qingyu u better buck up and stop procrastinating! geez...
all i wish for now is a good rest. and for you to fade away from my thoughts.
today i'm officially fired. lolx that sound furnies... imagine someone using a flamethrower... then the target's butt caught fire... ouch. ok i'm crapping... wahaha~ fired from tuitioning hillview kid... oh well it's something i ought to be relieved about... i had been complaining about not having enough time to do all the things i want... now i get my wish. but strangely i did not feel happy at all. the lesson today i actually fell asleep while trying to teach her for so many times that i gave up trying to teach her and gave her work to do while i sit and continue to stone. i felt that this is probably karma despite how her mum was telling me they wanted her to be independent and study on her own... they didn't think it was my fault *or at least that's how her mum put is*... but somehow i felt a little bad... maybe i didn't work hard enough... sighz...
volleyball yesterday was super fun! if not for shing yeong who wanted to leave early.. i bet i'll have played with them until... maybe... today? LOL... despite whatever feelings i had i guess i have sorta learnt to put them at bay while i enjoy volleyball... maybe that's one of the reasons y i love volleyball so much.
not forgetting the other reasons as well. you included perhaps?
and i finally managed to get my upperhand surf over! ok i dunno wad's the real term for that surf... but it felt good that at least i've made some improvement and not sabotage my team mates that much... though... ahems. i have learnt the wrong technique of using my feet to catch the ball from this guy whose volleyball techniques are quite zai... opps... volleyball supposed to be a "gentle" game.. then now i play until so chor lor... omg... -_-'''
exams coming in... 20 days time... haven't got the time to revise my stuff yet... haven't even caught up with tutorials. what the hell am i doing now. i'm even too tired to cry now. maybe it's karma for me being so caught up with myself. lolx... y do i keep talking about karma in this entry? reminds me of my sis class' favourite phrase... "bad karma"... haha... ok i'm down with bad karma... peace be with me... -_-'''
effective com presentation tml... i am just praying hard that i don't jinx my team mates... cos... so far all the projects i've done... i've never had good results... pw got a "b", the previous effective com assignment i've gotten a "b" again... while everybody else in the world gets "a"... talk about being stressed... -_- sighz... i just wish everything will go well tml...
japanese... i'm so dead... haven't touched the 5 pages of homework at all... crying wun even help now... and my family are bickering now... which doesn't make things better... i wish life could be a little easier... but obviously things aren't that easy...
which brings to mind the cinematics pleasure test yesterday... haiz another quiz gone down the drain... qingyu qingyu u better buck up and stop procrastinating! geez...
all i wish for now is a good rest. and for you to fade away from my thoughts.
18 March 2006
tireds.
super duper tireds. i feel like i'm a battery which ran flat.
had diarrhoa again this morning... woke up at 530am, ran to toilet, ate medicine, went back to sleep, woke up again at 8am, mad rush for toilet, then went back to sleep... now wake up, decide that i shall put off the tuition, feeling the weird rumblings of my stomach... sighz.
project laters... i'm afraid that i'm not able to do well for it... sighz... come to think of it maybe i always cannot do well for projects... all the groups i'm with always kanna jinxed by me... oral presentation somemore? geez... i might appear to be able to speak well infront of large groups of people, but then again, i guess not... i'm no longer confident of doing these things... =X
not enough time to do all the things i have to do and want to do... there's exams coming in about 24 days time, tutorials not yet done, volleyball, tuition... plus resting time (which includes sleeping and playing ps2... wahaha!) ok kindly ignore the ps2 part... talking about sleep, i can't believe that i slept on the 2 hour bus journey until i bang my head against the grey partition of the window... and i think i banged it quite loudly... super painful... now still pain... sobz...
yesterday night still cannot sleep well cos of the stomachache... got alot of things to focus on... like to catch up on studies... thinking about our trip to japan... then how to improve my vball skills so that someday i can have a good match with other zai pple in my cca... how to improve my students' grades... how to allocate time so that i have enough rest time as well... playing time can be cut short, but i guess i definitely need more sleep time... haiz...
and so now, before i go off for project, juz lemme nap for 1 more hour... =S
had diarrhoa again this morning... woke up at 530am, ran to toilet, ate medicine, went back to sleep, woke up again at 8am, mad rush for toilet, then went back to sleep... now wake up, decide that i shall put off the tuition, feeling the weird rumblings of my stomach... sighz.
project laters... i'm afraid that i'm not able to do well for it... sighz... come to think of it maybe i always cannot do well for projects... all the groups i'm with always kanna jinxed by me... oral presentation somemore? geez... i might appear to be able to speak well infront of large groups of people, but then again, i guess not... i'm no longer confident of doing these things... =X
not enough time to do all the things i have to do and want to do... there's exams coming in about 24 days time, tutorials not yet done, volleyball, tuition... plus resting time (which includes sleeping and playing ps2... wahaha!) ok kindly ignore the ps2 part... talking about sleep, i can't believe that i slept on the 2 hour bus journey until i bang my head against the grey partition of the window... and i think i banged it quite loudly... super painful... now still pain... sobz...
yesterday night still cannot sleep well cos of the stomachache... got alot of things to focus on... like to catch up on studies... thinking about our trip to japan... then how to improve my vball skills so that someday i can have a good match with other zai pple in my cca... how to improve my students' grades... how to allocate time so that i have enough rest time as well... playing time can be cut short, but i guess i definitely need more sleep time... haiz...
and so now, before i go off for project, juz lemme nap for 1 more hour... =S
15 March 2006
ENDLESS STORY
yay! i finally found the kanji lyrics! here you go...
Endless Story
Yuna Ito
Endless Story
Yuna Ito
If you haven’t changed your mind
そばにいてほしいよ Tonight
強がることに疲れたの
幼すぎたの Everytime I think about you baby
今なら言える I miss you
It’s so hard to say I’m sorry
たとえば 誰かのためじゃなく あなたのために
歌いたい この歌を
終わらない story 続くこの輝きに
Always 伝えたい ずっと永遠に
Memories of our time together
消さなで このまま don’t go away
あたたかく溶けだして 確かめるの
優しさのしずく この胸にひろがってく
切ないほどに I’m missing you
重ねた手 離さないで
たとえば 叶うなら もう一度あなたのために
歌いたい この歌を
終わらない story 絶え間ない愛しさで
tell me why 教えてよ ずっと永遠に
たとえば 誰かのためじゃなく あなたのために
歌いたい この歌を
終わらない story 続くこの輝きに
Always 伝えたい ずっと永遠に
たとえば 叶うなら もう一度あなたのために
歌いたい この歌を
終わらない story 絶え間ない愛しさで
tell me why 教えてよ ずっと永遠に
14 March 2006
how can i even forget the most important things in life...
never depend on others.
and...
never to have any expectations... because... when your expectations fail, the only person who's hurt is you.
it's almost been a year... maybe more, maybe less... come to think of it, i can't even recall which is the exact day. it shouldn't matter now anyway, not that thinking about it will change things...
somehow the tightness in my heart is still there, strangely...
it wouldn't change anything even if i try to search for the reasons, or to try convince myself for the reason y things happened... be it my fault, or the other's fault... i've been trying to convince myself this fact for one year... sometimes it gets to my brain, other times i might just have forgotten for that moment, and things get to me.
the things i've done... the things i have now... those memories... i should have said goodbye to them once i have turned my back and walked away... the reason why i am myself... the reason why i was myself... all because of my foolishness... how i foolishly chased after that so called love of my life... how people are willing to endure pain and suffering just for that moment of happiness... it's all bullshit now that i recall it.
if only i had been more mature and less rash, probably it would have saved us both from pain. or maybe for me only. nothing else mattered. not whether the things u've said were the truth or lies from the beginning till the end. maybe you were trying to make me feel better. maybe i was simply thinking too much. but that's enough. we both understand that we don't want each other to pity the other. and we understand no matter what happens, things can never revert back to the past.
no need for any teary goodbyes. no need for a smile anyway. just... let it go and fade into the past, like the wind gently carassing one's face...
lecture today was about humour. strangely i didn't find it really humourous... the movie shown was Charlie Chaplin's Modern Times... mocking at the Fordian production and capitalist stuff... i sure laughed at the things that happened in the movie... but... somehow i felt i wasn't truely laughing... but i guess the purpose of the movie was to make you laugh despite whether u really found it extremely hilarious or you laughed along because you laugh at how cruel life is and things like that.
smile. that was one of the themes of the movie. smile when u're feeling down, smile when u're on the verge of breaking down... cry can't help solve problems anyway, so smile... because for all you know, the sun might be shining down on you the next day... the lecturer was sorta critising the silly song on smile... how smile can't solve problems... but we all need some form of optimism to keep us going in life. i wanted to laugh right out there... what if we don't need that form of optimism? shall we go on crying everyday?
i shall practise smiling everyday then.
two songs are running in my head now... they've both got the same melody, but they are in different languages... thanks to nana the movie... made me laugh and cry about a lot of things in life... i guess i can really connect with the manga and the characters there... =)
想念你的歌
歌手 : 张惠春 saya 专辑 : 想念你的歌
是否曾经后悔过
那时候扶起说走就走
是否偶尔想过我
所以埋怨我
每当听你的下落
逞强常常让人无法负荷
躲起来边哭边说 i miss you
还舍不得把你封锁
星光闪烁 如何拥有
站在远方才看见星空的轮廓
虽然有时候会寂寞
墙上时钟停格
你说放开手才会快乐
用半生的脉搏 写成想念你的歌
该怎么才能让你懂呢
谁对谁错已经模糊了 忘记了
我们都处理得有点笨拙
已经从来没有
像这一次如此爱过
想念常让我无法负荷
常常只有一个念头 i miss you
我的爱情从来没有死掉过
星光闪烁 如何拥有
站在远方才看见星空的轮廓
虽然有时候会寂寞
墙上时钟停格
你说放开手才会快乐
用半生的脉搏写成想念你的歌
Endless Story
Singer : Yuna Ito (NANA movie soundtrack)
If you haven’t changed your mind
sobani ite hoshii yo TONIGHT
tsuyogaru koto ni
tsukareta no
osana sugi ta no
Everytime I think about you baby
ima nara ieru “I miss you”
It’s so hard to say i’m sorry
tatoeba dareka no tame
jya naku
anata no tameni
utaitai kono uta wo
owaranai STORY
tsuzuku kono kagayaki
ALWAYS tsutaetai
zutto eien ni
Memories of our time together
kesenai de kono mama doko he
atatakaku tokedashite tashikameru no
yasashisa no shizuku
kono mune ni hirogatteku
setsunai hodo ni I’m missing
kasaneta te hanasanaide
tatoeba kanau nara
mou ichido anata no tameni
utaitai
kono uta wo
owaranai STORY
taemanai itooshisade
Tell me why, oshiete yo
zutto eien ni
tatoeba dareka no tame jya naku
anata no tameni utaitai kono uta wo
owaranai STORY
tsuzuku kono kagayaki
ALWAYS tsutaetai zutto eien ni
*shall go find the japanese version of this song lyrics soon...*
never depend on others.
and...
never to have any expectations... because... when your expectations fail, the only person who's hurt is you.
it's almost been a year... maybe more, maybe less... come to think of it, i can't even recall which is the exact day. it shouldn't matter now anyway, not that thinking about it will change things...
somehow the tightness in my heart is still there, strangely...
it wouldn't change anything even if i try to search for the reasons, or to try convince myself for the reason y things happened... be it my fault, or the other's fault... i've been trying to convince myself this fact for one year... sometimes it gets to my brain, other times i might just have forgotten for that moment, and things get to me.
the things i've done... the things i have now... those memories... i should have said goodbye to them once i have turned my back and walked away... the reason why i am myself... the reason why i was myself... all because of my foolishness... how i foolishly chased after that so called love of my life... how people are willing to endure pain and suffering just for that moment of happiness... it's all bullshit now that i recall it.
if only i had been more mature and less rash, probably it would have saved us both from pain. or maybe for me only. nothing else mattered. not whether the things u've said were the truth or lies from the beginning till the end. maybe you were trying to make me feel better. maybe i was simply thinking too much. but that's enough. we both understand that we don't want each other to pity the other. and we understand no matter what happens, things can never revert back to the past.
no need for any teary goodbyes. no need for a smile anyway. just... let it go and fade into the past, like the wind gently carassing one's face...
lecture today was about humour. strangely i didn't find it really humourous... the movie shown was Charlie Chaplin's Modern Times... mocking at the Fordian production and capitalist stuff... i sure laughed at the things that happened in the movie... but... somehow i felt i wasn't truely laughing... but i guess the purpose of the movie was to make you laugh despite whether u really found it extremely hilarious or you laughed along because you laugh at how cruel life is and things like that.
smile. that was one of the themes of the movie. smile when u're feeling down, smile when u're on the verge of breaking down... cry can't help solve problems anyway, so smile... because for all you know, the sun might be shining down on you the next day... the lecturer was sorta critising the silly song on smile... how smile can't solve problems... but we all need some form of optimism to keep us going in life. i wanted to laugh right out there... what if we don't need that form of optimism? shall we go on crying everyday?
i shall practise smiling everyday then.
two songs are running in my head now... they've both got the same melody, but they are in different languages... thanks to nana the movie... made me laugh and cry about a lot of things in life... i guess i can really connect with the manga and the characters there... =)
想念你的歌
歌手 : 张惠春 saya 专辑 : 想念你的歌
是否曾经后悔过
那时候扶起说走就走
是否偶尔想过我
所以埋怨我
每当听你的下落
逞强常常让人无法负荷
躲起来边哭边说 i miss you
还舍不得把你封锁
星光闪烁 如何拥有
站在远方才看见星空的轮廓
虽然有时候会寂寞
墙上时钟停格
你说放开手才会快乐
用半生的脉搏 写成想念你的歌
该怎么才能让你懂呢
谁对谁错已经模糊了 忘记了
我们都处理得有点笨拙
已经从来没有
像这一次如此爱过
想念常让我无法负荷
常常只有一个念头 i miss you
我的爱情从来没有死掉过
星光闪烁 如何拥有
站在远方才看见星空的轮廓
虽然有时候会寂寞
墙上时钟停格
你说放开手才会快乐
用半生的脉搏写成想念你的歌
Endless Story
Singer : Yuna Ito (NANA movie soundtrack)
If you haven’t changed your mind
sobani ite hoshii yo TONIGHT
tsuyogaru koto ni
tsukareta no
osana sugi ta no
Everytime I think about you baby
ima nara ieru “I miss you”
It’s so hard to say i’m sorry
tatoeba dareka no tame
jya naku
anata no tameni
utaitai kono uta wo
owaranai STORY
tsuzuku kono kagayaki
ALWAYS tsutaetai
zutto eien ni
Memories of our time together
kesenai de kono mama doko he
atatakaku tokedashite tashikameru no
yasashisa no shizuku
kono mune ni hirogatteku
setsunai hodo ni I’m missing
kasaneta te hanasanaide
tatoeba kanau nara
mou ichido anata no tameni
utaitai
kono uta wo
owaranai STORY
taemanai itooshisade
Tell me why, oshiete yo
zutto eien ni
tatoeba dareka no tame jya naku
anata no tameni utaitai kono uta wo
owaranai STORY
tsuzuku kono kagayaki
ALWAYS tsutaetai zutto eien ni
*shall go find the japanese version of this song lyrics soon...*
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