originally had loads of things on my mind for me to update... all of a sudden now... i'm at a loss of words...

these few days had been busy days for me... went for class gathering, ktv... not really loads of time for me to rest... and most of the time when i wasn't involved in any physical activities i was thinking...

pple keep having the impression i'm the youngest in the family while actually in reality i'm the exact opposite... i dunno whether this is good or bad... good in a sense.. cos i never wanted to be the eldest in the family... cos the responsibility... i'm juz not up to it... so i simply shun away from being the big sis all the time...

but then again... no matter how much i try to fight... it is already a fact that i'm the earliest to enter this living world than my two other siblings... and there's no way i can change my fate...

i've been running away from my responsibilities as an elder sis... never really been a good daughter to support my parents... maybe it's time for me to stop being so stubborn and to simply succumb to fate and simply carry out my responsibilities as the older sis...

but how?

now that i've kinda decided that i shall stop running, i have no idea to start walking or juz simply to stand... lolz~













remember how i really hated pple deh-ing to me? i juz realised that the most deh person is... actually... me... hahaz~ deh to my collegues... deh to my parents... deh to my siblings oso... juz to get away from the chores i dislike... or to get attention.... or simply to get them to do things for me... so that i can save the trouble.. hahaz... now i realised how ironic all the things i've been doing all the while... pot calling the kettle black... tell other pple to stop deh-ing while i've been deh-ing....

some things... u juz can't get them by simply throwing your temper around... or by trying to act cute... *furnie how this sounds so much like wad randy would say... ha~*













have been telling to those who were at the class gathering / ktv outing... how this cleaner uncle at my workplace was "cursing" me that i can't go into uni... all the while i didn't really think about this issue... until on friday... while i was working halfway.. this prc uncle came into our office to mop the floor... den he started talking non stop... target me loh... start talking abt.. how he wish i could stay in the company.. *which i said.. but i'm not going anywhere in chinese...* and then he juz continued talking as though i was going to stay in the company for the rest of my life... then i told him i'm going to uni... and he was like... "wad if u dun get into uni?" wao kaoz... the moment he said it i felt darn insulted... and he simply kept talking... making me feel more and more inferior... as though i really cannot get into uni liddat... until my tears were juz about to roll down from my eyes le... wad de... -_- stupid uncle... dun wanna talk to him any more.. =X

but after that... come to think of it... i laughed at how silly i was... i'm not the top of the class... neither am i the top of anything... where in the world would i have the confidence to say that i'll definitely get into uni? esp. considering how badly i screwed up for my a lvls... arrgh~ there's no point for me to confide into others abt this matter, for they'll simply say stuff like.. heyz~ u're in hc... hc pple most of them go uni... or.. heyz... ur results so much better than mine loh... sure can get 4 'A's... blah blah blah... the truth is... after hearing wad that cleaner uncle said... *who claims he was an engineer which i really doubt.. ha~* i really start to wonder...







and... wad exactly am i going to do after i receive my results? apply for scholarship? that is... if i manage to score well enuff... i simply cannot go on a scholarship sponsered by my parents... guess maybe i'll have to half work half study... but that'll mean i might not have time for other commitments... which i oso dun really wan... i guess the best i can do now is to save up as much as i can now... *which is quite hard considering that i'm such a spendrift... ha~* but oh well... i'm going to try as much as i can...




wad course am i going to take? issit engineering? issit really going to be engineering? i feel that i've somehow limited my choices ever since... well... i started thinking abt this issue... i feel that all those around me had their futures planned out... while mine is juz... well... hazy... grey... wadeva~ lolz~ not that i'm happy abt this.... in fact... i'm getting worried now... cos i'm so so blur about everything... i dun even know wad are the possible career options i can consider...

simply put... i dun even know wad i want...

and time is running out..













so... what issit that i've been doing for the past three months? all i know is that... i've been waiting... waiting for wad? i dunno... lolz~ waiting... for some... of the fog with regards to my future to clear? i dun even know... after re-reading my thoughts... i thought i sound confused... but then again... i'm not...

wad a paradox...

if u were here beside me, probably u can help me 指点迷津... ha~













是不是不论什么事都可以先苦后甜? 不论雨下得再大，雨天后一定会有彩虹？其实心里明明呢么明白，却是那么不愿相信...

todae... went for work first thing in the morning... woke up early... could have slept a bit more... nvm... start to prepare liao... going out of house, had an argument wif my mum wif regards to money stuff... den cause delay...

nvm... i rush all the way out... to try to make it on time for my interview... guess wad? on my way... my shoe strap broke. SUPER DUPER SWAY!!! aniwae... somehow i managed to stumble my way to my new company... somehow... by a stroke of luck.. i managed to get past the interview... and guess wad? i started work straight away... -_-

next.... pple brought me to the hr department to borrow shoes... managed to borrow one... feeling.. lucky... that someone actually brings extra shoes to the office.. lolz! but still.. after wad happened in the morning... somehow i still felt 七上八下...

oh yar... aniwae.. now i'm working at mazak... forgot the full name le... but... it's a jap company... quite furnies working wif a japanese boss leh... can understand wad they say a bit only... but dunno how to talk to them in jap.. haha! but aniwae.. todae i learnt a new phrase... hajimashite... i think... means 请多多指教... i think... hahaz~

and after lunch, while i walked back to my office.. i realised i broke the shoe strap of the shoe i borrowed... -_-'''

sighz. this is wad i call.. super sway. -_-

dunno y... it's only the first day of work... but i feel super uneasy in this new company... new faces, new environment... new... company policies... somehow... i started comparing life when i was back in tata precision wif this new life i have here at mazak... started missing the guys back at tata already... haiz... pauline, heng meng, alan, chris, jenny... blah blah blah... sighz~

after work *which dragged here and there* i was almost late for tuition... and kelvin kor had to wait for me so that we could take the same mrt home... haiz~ paiseh... =X been taking u for granted... thankx for being so nice to me while i've been so so mean to u all these while.. =X

aniwae... somehow i managed to drag myself to tuition... and benedict showed attitude to me. and i was like. heys... u're not the only one who's tired and dun wanna do work. i din wanna come to tutor u todae oso... hahaz! but still... managed to tahan through...

super duper tireds now. having a slight headache... never eat medicine for the whole day, not used to new working life, couldn't eat properly, broke two shoe straps in a go... super duper siandeds..

and now my sister who's simply so so pmsy these days decide to pick trouble wif me now. fine. -_-

i guess u're probably not the only one who can't handle stress.

haiz... let's hope a night's sleep can help me now.

todae... is a rather hectic day for me...

first of all... went to work... tml's my last day at tata precision *that's my company* and pple like alan and heng meng kept bullying me! *sobz~* heng meng tried to steal all my pens from my pencil case and poke fun at me.. den he took my whole tissue pack away... saying that he'll keep it as souvenir... -_-''' *it's quite disgusting to think of the things he'll do wif the tissues, den keep all the tissues as "souvenirs"... gosh.. i'm juz being disgusting here..*

next alan tried to cheat me of my salary... "aiyoh... 小妹妹... ur tuition fees leh? juz 10% will do lar.... me 5%, pauline 5%...." -_-'''

hmms... i dunno whether i'm happy or sad to leave this place... juz when i'm starting to get close to pple like heng meng *hey! though he kept bullying me... i'll find ways to deal wif him if i have the chance... hmph.* and alan and pauline and... all the aunties... the cleaners and the auntie at the canteen... sighz~

think i'll miss the pple at my office.. =X




wanna write loads of thankew letters to them... but i guess i'll not have enuff time... *looks at time... 2333.... and.. GASP!* omg. no time liao... -_-''' shall buy them curry puffs tml and hope they're satisfied wif my... erms.. tuition fees... lolz~




haiz... haven't been able to sleep well last nite cos i keep hearing this buzzing beside my ear... i was dreaming abt me learning erhu.... den muz tiao my yin to b flat... but i hear the sound in my mind was definitely not b flat! so.... i woke up... at 4 am in the morning wif the stupid buzzing in my ear which was... i think "a" note... *but near b flat lar...* and ever since i woke up i can't go back to sleep.... *esp when i only need to wake up at 6.20am.... -_-'''*

super duper tireds now... it's already 1226am in the morning of 23022005 and i'm still here typing blog, trying to write letters, and to fight off the stupid buzzing in my ears... *not forgetting trying to eat my vege soup... eeks~*

sighz... got job interview on thurs... originally wanted to rest a while first b4 working again... but hey.... got job offer... dun take i'll die rotting at home... so... oh well... rest can wait till sat.... *but sat got class gathering... =X* aiyah.. wadeva lar... as the saying goes... boat reach bridge head automatically straight... so... oh well...

geez.. i'm no longer making sense... geez...

learn to confront your fear.










i tot i had everything under control... fear especially...

then y issit all coming back?

haiz... originally wanted to change my blog layout... but cos of disclaimers from the 9th elsewhere webby... now i cannot use the image for my blog layout... sobz~ and i really tot that the new layout i had in mind was quite nice... sobz~

aniwae... after all those furnie things happened.... i've got no idea how to deal wif all of them...

maybe sleeping helps... or maybe O.R.M.Y can send me a muse to guide me... *though it's supposedly for artists only... ha~*

if u guys read 9th elsewhere u'll get wad i'm talking abt... oh yar... so me being one of their fanatic fans, lemme advertise for them here *though i dun get to use their pic for my blog layout... =S* do go to http://www.9thelsewhere.com/ for a really good treat... the story plot is deep... and it'll touch your heart...

personally i'm awed by how 9th elsewhere has survived for so long, and still surviving well... cos... loads of webmanga artists will lose steam halfway... either this, or their story plot is simply.... simplistic... hahaz~ *opps~ sorry... that's juz my personal opinion.. =S* but 9th elsewhere showed me that there are still good manga which survives online.. =)

okies.. cut abt 9th elsewhere... *notices pple falling asleep in front of their comps*













quite some time ago, i had a nightmare of me encountering two huge dogs at the void deck of my house, and they bit my hand hard... i woke up from that dream in cold sweat...

and guess wad?

todae i was tailed by two huge dogs all the way from west mall to my house void deck...

initially i was juz minding my business... after getting my pay from e2 at west mall, i walked home as usual... den i saw in front of me, these two huge brown dogs... walking along the pavement on my way home... and half wa they crossed the road rather recklessly... initially i was quite intimidated by their huge size... but after that, after they crossed the road, they came to this mini field, and looked extremely happy playing with one another... looking at the two happy dogs, i smiled... and i continued walking my way home...

and guess wad? as i approached my house void deck by walking this rather deserted path, all of a sudden i saw a huge brown dog across the street.... then i started wondering... how come there are so many dogs at my house area todae? i took no notice of the dog.. juz kept walking... next moment, a smaller dog juz popped beside me.. =X it juz went past me like nobody's business... then i started to get scared... cos i had no idea it was behind me...

then i realised... actually these two dogs were the same two dogs i saw earlier... =S

so i turned, and walked to my block void deck le... directly below my house... and i turned around to see the two dogs tagging behind me... that's it man.... i panicked... and i cheong all the way up the nearest staircase, ran to my house... started knocking frantically on the door and scolded my mum for opening the door so late..

okies... the above encounter sounded lame.

but the dream is so vivid... that even now it kinda gimme shudders.. =X













last night i couldn't sleep well again... let's hope things will get better today...

ever since start of 2005.... i've finally truly tasted the 酸甜苦辣 of life...

ever felt fatigue? i tot i had a taste of fatigue when i was back in jc... but once i come out to the working world... "fatigue" in jc seems so small and minute as compared to the exhaustation i face now daily...

and with so little time to rest, u're constantly faced with stress, all sorts of events... and... well, u juz have no stop to it...

even while i sleep, i can't sleep properly... constantly plagued with strange dreams, leaving me feeling lost when i wake up...

maybe it's juz that i haven't gotten used to working life yet...





dun worry abt me ya? i guess it's juz a phase i've gotta go through...




naruto 122's out! but i have no idea where to dl... feeling sad... cos it's liscensed on animesuki... meaning i cannot dl it there le... sobz~ but i love naruto... sighz.. how how how???




i've got a new 9th elsewhere wallpaper!!! maybe i can use it as an image for my new blog layout... hahahaz~ cyc.. u're gonna get ur wish soon.. hehez~ *when i've had enuff rest to start fumbling my blog template again.. ha~*

reading the tag on my tagboard by aries reminds me of RO... ha~

dun worry abt me... it's juz that watching all the couples on the streets on valentine's day so lovey dovey, all of them pda-ing.... juz makes me feel as though they're juz 炫耀ing their happiness to all the others out there... the lonely and single... so juz tot of that song and put it on my blog.. ha~

so dun worry abt me ya? hehez~













todae's a weird day... supposed to be my last day at my company... woke up late... =S almost missed my company bus... had to run like siao, and everybody was laffing at me.. esp. pauline... quote from her... "你在跑 100米啊？" lolz~

then there was the stupid sotong who tried to be nice to help busy pauline out by helping her fax something when she doesn't even know how to operate the fax machine at all... luckily chris came to my rescue... ha~ *but i can feel myself blushing cos it's so maluating... i tot i spoilt the fax machine.. =S*

and of course... when i was in the toilet, met joyce who asked me to extend my "service" *ahem ahems* for another five more days...

which of course i wun reject...

more furnie things happened, but of course, that's for me to know and u to find out.. ha~ but oh well.... i survived another day... i really tot todae would be my last day... originally wanted to write letters to everybody at the office.... cos really grateful for their help here and there... esp. pauline... my mentor... hahaz~ really really like her! XD and of course there's alan who's always crapping away... lolz~ and oso... chris for always helping me here and there silently... really grateful to u guys... =)













naruto anime is... liscensed by ShoPro Entertainment... which means it's going to be liscensed in america soon... which means... very soon i cannot dl naruto anime online anymore from animesuki.com .... SOBZ!!!! *burst into tears*

okies.. cut the dramama there... i guess i'm juz being crazy for now...
crazily thinking abt... brand new stuff... ha~
feeling sians now... though i've got prince of tennis anime to watch, books to read, and other stuff to do, but somehow... i juz feel like stoning...

let's juz hope weekend will come soon... sighz~

风吹落最后一片叶 我的心也飘着雪
爱只能往回忆里堆栈 oh~ 给下个季节

忽然间树梢冒花蕊 我怎么会都没有感觉
oh~ 整条街 都是恋爱的人 我独自走在暖风的夜

多想要向过去告别 当季节不停更迭 oh~
却还是少一点坚决 在这寂寞的季节

艳阳高照在那海边 爱情盛开的世界
远远看着热闹一切 oh~ 我记得那狂烈

窗外是快枯黄的叶 感伤在心中有一些 oh~
我了解 那些爱过的人 心是如何慢慢在凋谢

多想要向过去告别 当季节不停更迭 oh~
却还是少一点坚决 在这寂寞的季节

又走过风吹的冷冽 最后一盏灯熄灭
从回忆我慢慢穿越 在这寂寞的季节
还是寂寞的季节 一样寂寞的季节

i admit... i was extremely tired...

be it physically or mentally...

for the past three nights, i couldn't sleep properly at all... it's either i keep waking up in the middle of the night, or i woke up in the middle of the sleep and can't go back to lala land... or simply... i juz stood awake the whole night, juz closing my eyes trying to coax myself to sleep... *which obviously din work...*

spent the whole of my saturday trying to grab a little sleep... took a two hour afternoon nap *which is usually a lot for me* but still, keep waking up in the middle of the nap...

it was only yesterday night.... slept at ard 1130 bah.... sleep all the way till 840... that's ard 9 hours... finally...

i guess everybody has their limits bah... i think i stretched myself too much le... for the past week...until even i myself couldn't take it...

and things juz fell apart..

so now i guess i'll have to try to pick those pieces up and somehow mend it all back together...













it had been... a rather scary week for me... though it's festive season and stuff....

i've seen too many pple throwing their temper ard...

juz on friday... i saw/heard alan scolding his aunt off over the phone without holding back at all... it was... honestly speaking... extremely scary... i have no idea why... but i felt so afraid though he's not scolding me... and i felt a little like crying oso... hahaz~ furnies siaz~ but heyz.. i realised how scary it is for someone to be angry and start losing his/her mind.... so i guess it's kinda a reminder for myself to learn to tolerate more... and to keep my cool in face of problems and stuff... instead of juz letting myself vent my anger by scolding pple off... it doesn't look good, neither does it feel good... no point doing things which does not benefit anybody, i guess...

though sometimes anger helps u achieve things, but i guess... under normal circumstances, this reason usually does not stand...



another new year resolution... to learn to control my emotions and handle them better... not to say that i become a stoic or wad... i admit that last time, i felt that being logical is much better than being emotional... but now... i can't say the same anymore... i thought i was quite stoic last time, but these three years i've proven myself wrong... and i guess i can't change myself as simply as i say, and i guess, i can only slowly adjust but not change my emotional personality totally...













arr~ after my big big breakfast of a chicken and ham pie... now i'm feeling so so full... until i feel like bursting.. =S

hahaz.. the above is crap.. =P

i wanna thank those who showed me concern... pple like my kor... and randy... thankx guys... thankx kor for being there when i needed someone to talk to... and thankx randy for always looking out for me... really appreciate that.. =)

arr... going out liao... cya soon... =)

i couldn't sleep again this morning/last nite...

supposed to wake up at 6.20 to go for work... ended up waking up at 5.30... tried going back to sleep, but couldn't...

in the end i ended up going to work looking like a zombie...

tried to bai nian to my collegues *in hope of getting ang baos*.... got one from alan and pauline each... they're so nice! XD

*kinda feel bad that i'm qiao-ing their money... hehez~*

so many things to do.... yet i dunno whether i can tahan all the way...

let's hope somehow i'll stay awake until i finish wad i have to do...

very very tireds.

with no strength to go on...

pls somehow grant me the strength to finish wad i have to do before time runs out...

had a chat wif my aunt juz now... early in the morning... surprisingly, the two of us clicked well... and we started crapping along wif each other... lolz~

maybe i open up to those i'm not so close to more...

what to do?
i've lost my way...
wad's the thing i've forgotten?
wad's the thing i'm looking for?

my fear's gone now... replaced by... nothingness...

is this wad i'm looking for then?

失眠

now i think i look like a walking corpse...

i can't go back to sleep...

had a short dream juz now... of comics... and i saw kelvin and pansy in my dreams... lolz~

but when i woke up, can't go back to sleep...

heard my mum chatting loudly to her friends on the phone...

heard my brother hurrying to the living room to play his comp games...

and me? drifting and drifting... and i actually drifted to my comp.... lolz~

is my comp my best friend now? lolz~

i wanna go back to sleep...

let me continue dreaming...

i dun wanna wake up...

我想。。。一个人越是害怕，就越会失去自己。。。其中，还会失去它的东西。。。

一旦害怕，就只会越来越怕。。。

如果当初不败给这个恶魔，是否就不会失去呢？

现在，只能说句对不起。。。

大家新年快乐。。。

happy chinese new year to me.

i know... it's chinese new year.. i'm supposed to be happy...

but somehow, even if u want me to, it's not simply an issue of whether u want to or not.

pls... dun make promises u can't keep...

cos... i can't handle the disappointment when promises are broken...

komenasai...

komenasai...

i guess i juz dun understand how u feel... juz like how u dun understand me...

i'm really sorry for juz rattling off like that...

take carez... and enjoy ur new year... =)

hate

i hate myself.

i hate myself for being unable to say no.
i hate myself for getting jealous so easily.
i hate myself for making u worry abt me.
i hate myself for being so crazy abt u.
i hate myself for leaving halfway.
i hate myself for waiting for u to call back.
i hate myself for ruining the festive mood.
which obviously u din.
i hate myself for being unable to control my emotions.
i hate myself for getting so upset.
i hate myself for being so weak.
juz because of u.
i hate myself for being so irresponsible.
i hate myself for being so hard to get along wif.
i hate myself for being so unreasonable.
i hate myself for being overly suspicious.
i hate myself for being such an unfilial daughter.






i hate myself for being unable to forget those ard u.






all in all... i hate myself.

an angry sotong

y issit that i'm feeling so pissed now?

y do i feel so upset when i'm the one being kept in the dark?

and y does anger well up in me when i find out that "secret"?



























u probably did it on purpose.





























it's hurting so much until my head hurts.





















am i going to continue to keep quiet?


and let u step onto my head one day or another?






u did it on purpose.






guess u simply convieniently forgot. ha.

as i sat totally awake on my chair, eating tang yuans my mum made for me... a few moments ago i was in a total bliss... eating the sweet seaseme tang yuan *my fav~*, reading this new comic i started on called "first love"... thinking of the things i should do tonite *instead of sleeping... ha~* i juz read my frienz blogs and realised how terrible things are...

and now i wonder if some of the things i did are right...

why issit that i din sense anything when i came into contact wif u?

juz feeling like i'm such a lousy friend... ha~

i shouldn't have tried to give advice when i know nothing abt the whole situation...

guess the only thing i can do is to keep my peace and be their "pillar of strength" when they need me...













cny eve le! but juz now went for 4/11 dinner at swensons *again~* and ate more ice cream.... on my way back i was coughing like siao... guess tonites even if i tried to sleep i can't... cos i'll either cough until i die... or i cough until i wake my sis up which is a nono... or.. well... i can't think of the other options now.. but.. yar... lolz...













to this special someone... sorry i din reply to ur sms the moment u sent to me... paiseh... =X
i really really miss u...
juz wanna say i'm glad to receive ur sms... though it was kinda unexpected... =X that's y i was reading comics... went to bathe... den came out to check phone.. by then it's already 1hr plus after u sent the message.. =X
glad u're safe and sound...
hope it wasn't too tough...











for now... juz wanna say... happy new year to everybody... may u guys get loads of ang paos... and pray that u guys dun fall sick *and start coughing like me.. =S* enjoy urselves on this festive season! XD

...

juz early in the morning.. someone who's extremely kaypo decided to probe me into my personal life the moment he saw me online... *and i see that army life has made him more kaypo*... talk abt being extremely direct... and so i simply directly told him that it's a lousy way to try to get info from someone... ha~

guess i'm not my usual self... ha~

had cereal for breakfast todae... woke up super late todae at 9... *well... that's as compared to my usual 6.20 everyday i go for work...* honestly i would have loved to sleep till 12 noon... but heyz... wish not granted... lolz~

got loads of stuff which i have to cheong now... =X and stuff to settle.. like... spring cleaning!!! =S hate to spring clean cos it means i have to go rearrange the clothes in my wardrobe, go arrange my files.... scrub the floors... =S *and i mean i've got enuff sorting jobs at work already... =S* so that's y i've been trying very very hard to run away from these... ha~

this morning my lan cable juz konk out on me... =S and i got kinda frustrated *cos haven't eat breakfast yet, wanna have more sleep... ha~* silly me larz... dun even know how to operate digital multimeter to test whether the lan cable working or nots.. lolz~ finally after a long lesson from my dad... managed to realise that the cable's kinda faulty.. so changed one and here i am, crapping away here...

have been having rashes for a few days... they're itching like siao.... think it's a result of me eating those hot spicy crispy cuttlefish... *while i'm coughing away oso... ha~* so now i guess i shan't touch it anymore... since not only it 以毒攻毒 wif my cough, it oso give me the itchy and irritating and make-me-look-not-nice rashes... *eh... ignore the last part abt the rashes... lolz~*














realised that i've changed... previously i was kinda excited abt going class gatherings.... but somehow this enthusiasm faded off... probably cos of my work, i feel so so so stressed until i rather go home and slack... and to spend time wif my family more... and each time i go out wif frienz i'll spend loads... so frienz out there trying to jio me to go class gatherings... pls understand that i have my difficulties, especially wif respect to finance... cos... though i've got my pay.. it goes straight into my bank account, and my debit card hasn't arrived for me to start spending....

but but but... there's one outing i'm kinda looking forward to... that's the outing on mon.... though it's going to be at swensons *again~ i've been eating there for twice this month already* i really really miss 4/11 devilz~!!! hehez...















and juz yesterday... in my conversation with weijie...



Weijie: i wish i were back in tekong
me : now?
me : =X
Weijie : yah
Weijie : =(
me : weekend leh... =X
Weijie : at least got ppl
me : now dun have meh?
Weijie: my social life is zero now.
me : hmms..
Weijie : dun you feel lonely?
me : there are always pple around u
me : it's only whether u open ur heart to these pple or not

y issit that i feel i'm juz trying to console myself?
dunno whether how true this statement is... but i guess... it's still true to a certain extent... lolz~













somehow... though i kinda miss work... i dun wanna go back to work now... ha~














cny coming soon! but i'm still coughing like siao... =S cannot anyhow eat pineapple tarts, cuttlefish, aiyah.. all those nice nice food.. esp... bagua!!!! *sobz~* so for todae and tml i'm going to become a 水桶 and start 灌ing water like siao... and pray that i get better by tues... hehez~

change.

ever since i started working... i realised that i've become extremely selfish...

maybe this is the real me bah.... or maybe it's juz that... once i came out to a totally unfamiliar world.... i've lost my original self...

but.. wad's my original self anyway?

当你感到失落的时候，让人看到你的弱点时，他人便会毫无保留的望你身上踩，蹂躏你。而当你继续保持沉默，不愿走出自己的悲伤，你也就永远只能成为他人的垫脚石，一事无成，或许还会被别人越压越扁，永远也无法翻身。

这一番话听起来好耳熟。。。哈~

okies.... cut the philosophy stuff out...

after work todae *which is getting more and more stressful esp in the face of the cny hols* me went to ... well... essentially i spent the rest of my day shopping... looking for nice wrapping paper, clothes... blah blah blah....

spent time wif my family... realised that i haven't been hanging out wif them enuff... that's y pushed away co and class gatherings... hahaz...

dunno whether i'll get cursed by this though... ha~

den yesterday treated sheila swensons.... lolz~ me eat ice cream... eat until i start coughing non stop... hahahaz.. this is wad we call 以毒攻毒... lolz~

and todae for lunch i ate more fried stuff... that's y i'm coughing even more jialats than b4... =S

haiz...3 more days.... juz another 3 more days to hang in there.... though... i already buay tahan le... sighz~

i wan my hols!!!!!

slacking away...

working now... and slacking away... alan is sick todae and pauline is chatting away on the phone... me? i'm sitting right at the end of the office, hiding at one corner where pauline can't see my comp screen, typing blog here... *hope she doesn't find out... or later she'll gimme loads of work... =S*
dreamt of u last nite...
but apparently she's still chatting away... so... u can't blame me for slacking yar? :P
u gave me the strength to continue working now...
well... it's really stressful at work nowadays... todae pauline's late, alan's sick took mc not here... so left me and heng meng early in the morning... but heng meng's out most of the time...
i wonder if u dreamt of me last nite too...
pauline juz ended her chat.. =X
even if u din... it's alrights...
and when i have stuff i dunno how to do, now she doesn't wanna answer me... :'(
i juz wanna tell u to jiayouz... n hang in there...
everybody is stressed... so am i... =S
somehow, though... i wish that the dream could last...
really dun feel like working now.. =X

shall be back... after work... and after treating sheila...

before i go.. i juz wanna complain a little more...

this comp is so so so darn slow!!! haiz~

now that i'm all alone in the office again, i can type as fast and as loudly as i want.. hehehez~ finally i got back my amazing and shuang typing speed... cos now that i'm working, no longer typing words, typing loads of numbers... so typing is darn slow le... makes me feel so bu shuang... hahaz.. so lemme type somemore so that i feel shuang... hehehez~

nan2 de2 i'm alone here... let's see... maybe i can go on msn laters.. ha~

so the whole point of my entry here is juz to show off how siandeds i am by work... and... how i hope that time will pass quickly... and that the cny hols will come soon... =X
and for me to see u in person soon...

bad day..

okies... let's see...

i started off my day.. wif... being late.

well, not late larz... almost late i would stress... juz that early in the morning i felt extremely lathargic, dun wanna get off bed... unwilling to open my eyes *especially when they're kinda swollen as though i cried the night before, which i din... ha~* and i took a long long time to get out of my house.. like... 5 mins later than usual....

and this resulted in me running like a mad woman early in the morning to try to catch the bus...

and get laffed at by everybody waiting for the company bus... =X

thankx again chris for helping me here and there... =)

pauline seems to be getting sick too.... the "virus" me and alan are spreading is really powerful... ha~

and speaking of alan... todae he juz deh to me... -_- a big guy so much older than me come and deh to me juz cos of a bar of chocolate... omg... -_-

i hope i wun become liddat.. -_-'''

tuition wasn't good as well... i made benedict cry again.... cos... he doesn't know how to do his chinese li jie wen da.... den become super stressed.... dun get wad i'm trying to tell him and stuff.... so he started crying....

now i'm starting to wonder if i'm the material to be a tutor... haiz~

bathing now.... tataz~

issit right or wrong?

hmms... probably, when it comes to work, it doesn't pay to be helpful or full of initiative...

take todae at work for eg... i finished my stuff, pauline wasn't ard to assign me more tasks... so i turned around to ask alan *not allen... ha~ finally sorta confirm le.. :P* whether he needs help... so he asked me to help him write payment notice, put them in envelopes plus the respective cheques.... and after i finished that, he told me that i could help him write the cheques myself...

i admit that initially i had some reservations abt this... but i din question him whether it's appropriate.. afterall, it's juz like wad he said bah.... it's juz writing a cheque, nothing special abt it *probably cos he's been writing cheque like.. his whole life?* so i juz started my new task...

and guess wad? my superior joyce dropped by my office to look for alan.... and she saw me writing the cheque...

she din say a thing when i was writing...

next, she went up to her own office, rang up alan and told alan off for assigning me to write cheque.. next she rang up pauline to get her to assign me other stuff to do...

a little pissed abt this cos... if she din wan me to write the cheque *cos it's money involved* she could tell me straight in the face... but now she's "using me to tell other pple off" *quoted from chris, translated from chinese to eng* which makes me a little upset.... i'm oso partially at fault, but she din scold me at all... and tried to pretend that nothing happened, and that i din do anything wrong...

but i feel that i'm oso somewhat at fault...

i mean, if i haven't be so so so enthusiastic, alan wouldn't have asked me to write the cheque...

and it's all cos of my enthu-ness, and now pauline and alan are in trouble...

haiz~ horrible me... =S

so on my way home... chris who was on the same train as i was tried to explain to me how things work.... he said i am still young, so joyce couldn't scold me cos i dunno loads of stuff...

but... i mean.. so wad? age doesn't really matter when u're thrown out to the ocean to survive on ur own... similarly for working in the society...

but then again... i dun think i'll have felt better if joyce told me off straight in my face... =S

geez... i'm full of contradictions....

aniwae... todae... glad that chris' back to his happy cheery self... =)

and i'm quite glad that i managed to keep myself busy the whole day at the office...

and now i hope that pauline wouldn't be so stressed *though it can't be helped when her two bosses are breathing down her neck for reports, and there's me bugging her for work.. =S*

and for alan and chris to get well...

and for pauline not to fall sick...






for u to be doing well deep in the jungles....

and for u to be safe...






and for me to survive tomolo...