for the first time in my life, i'm so pissed until i can't go to sleep.

ok laugh please.

it was over a really silly matter which i shall not elaborate lest it'll make me sleepless for the rest of the night. let me just repeat this to make me feel more at ease... he's just a 16 year old brat. not worth you getting so angry about his rudeness. and no point messing up your sleep pattern u're trying so hard to restore...

inhale... exhale.

makes me wonder how my sis would probably wanna exchange with me... she's the one in need of sleep but unable to satisfy that desire due to her activities... here i am, too bored with my life and i can't go to sleep over petty matters.

maybe i shall go study jap now... maybe it helps to make me feel sleepy... *when reading manga with loads of chinese words didn't help when it usually does...*

-edit-
after signing off this entry, i surfed the net and went to one of my favourite game sites : jayisgames.com. and.. i saw this slapping game. great for people who just wanna slap someone just like i was. and i feel much much better now seeing all the women fight their petty fights by slapping. anyway, here's the direct link to the game : http://nigoro.jp/game/rosecamellia/rosecamellia.php
the game review on jayisgames.com is at this link : http://jayisgames.com/archives/2007/07/rose_and_camellia.php
have fun slapping! XD

this post should have been on 2 days ago... or rather 1 night ago.

i almost forgot to wish a particular person happy birthday... and i thought i would never forget that. it's funny how people can be so forgetful when they have got things on their mind that's sapping away all their energy. and i thought since i'm so stubborn, no matter how busy i am, i still would not forget.

i guess i was wrong then. perhaps it really is that easy to forget certain things that were once important. maybe it just means i have already let go of things way back in the past.

now since it's 1:03am on my computer clock now... it's officially my mum's birthday... my dad's overseas in china, sister would be staying overnight tml... and well i don't think my brother would care... am i the only one who cares then?

maybe it's the feeling of loneliness overwhelming me... friends come and go... good friends stay with you longer... and i thought family would always be on your side.... maybe not. when we all grow up to go out to venture our own careers... or maybe to start our own families... we'll part. and death may part us too. in the end, one would be alone no matter how much you struggle i suppose... then why even try to chase away that loneliness? we came into this world by ourselves, we leave as lone souls. making friends and getting attached emotionally just means more hurt when it's time to leave this world isn't it... i'm telling myself this, but this other part of me is screaming...

it feels like i'm in my glass chamber again. able to observe the world beyond me... sensing their happiness and pain... but unable to feel their emotions. similarly, no one can hear me banging my fists on those cold transparent walls...













伤。就算我能治好别人的伤，那又有谁能治好我的呢？

突然间有一股不知所措的烦恼一涌而上。忽然，我不再知道自己接下来该怎么做。还是，我根本什么都不必做呢？

some adore sunny days. cloudy days? some hate them. rainy days? i love them just when i'm going to sleep. otherwise, rainy days are a no-no.

gloomy days? i think i like it the best of them all. not too hot, not too chilling, just the right temperature for us to do all sorts of things, like outdoor sports, sleep, slacking at home... only except when i'm going out to suntan...

what about the weather today? gloomy. perfect weather for me to oversleep till 1pm this afternoon. oh well, i was reading harry potter last night, and unwittingly till it was 4am in the morning. i think i'm becoming more and more of a pig.

today's my dad's birthday... had gone shopping with my sis yesterday and bought him durain puffs as a gift... we couldn't thought of anything better haha... but me and my mum baked him a cake that's... hmms... can it be considered to be a success? just a simple dinner celebration with me my mum and dad... sis had co practice all the way till 10pm and my brother, though he has finally decided to come home for dinner at my accusation of him being an ingrate if he didn't. haha... he was up in his room playing dota when my dad cut the "birthday cake". then he announced that he'll be going China in a freaking 2 days time, and it was a decision just finalised today. and he wouldn't be around when it's mum's birthday. luckily i had turned down pey lun's request for help at the graduation dinner... or else i can't expect how pathetic with maybe just my mum celebrating her own birthday...



i feel like i'm just like a kid. happily enjoying the world, thinking that the world is a perfect place. all until someone strikes deep, making one realise the truth and ugliness of the so called perfect world. then everything starts to fall apart. losing interest in the things that once interested you. there's nothing u can do about it, except to accept the cold hard fact that it's not the world u loved once. and sometimes, stubbornness makes that hard to happen.

i no longer know what to do already. is it just ok to continue staring blankly, doing nothing at all?



today sure is a gloomy day. but i don't know if i liked it as much as any typical one.

another late night where everyone else has gone to sleep. all except my lone self, left with my dark thoughts.



sometimes i wonder. when we choose a character to play in a game, does it reflect our true inner self? or just our hopes? i've got a friend who always like to play tanking/knight characters... and i think his character suits the role he always plays... he's the kind who would take on challenges and problems in life head on... and i admire him for that...

me? i always end up playing the cleric. why?... because i can't stand it when everyone else wants to become strong and powerful, forgetting that they need buffs to become stronger and blah blah blah. i guess that's me then. the crowd pleaser. disliking attention and always like to hide away from problems. always relying on others to become stronger "because" it's hard for me to stand on my own two feet. maybe that's the real me in life. or on the other hand, maybe it's just my wish/hope that i can become a healer in life. which is the exact opposite now since i'm the one hurting others, not healing them. how ironic.



just today during my lesson with my tuition kid, mark... somehow we strayed to the topic about how long it takes for one to jump down from xxx storeys high... and, taking g= 10m/s^2... assuming each floor is ard 3m tall, if we jump from the 13th floor it'll take approximately 2s for our whole life to flash by! 100th storey? slightly more than 4s! is our life that short for the whole duration to flash by in a mere 4s? i don't think so right? so we should find a even taller building to jump down next time... yeah right.

but due to that "funny" conversation we had... the "dark" side of me came back... remember how i mentioned i always picture the worse happening to me quite some time ago? it came back straight after the lesson... like how when i was walking to post a letter for my parents... this car came into the car park i was cutting through and i had the image of me being hit by the car and ambulances rushing me to the hospital... >_<>_< but yeap... i felt happy when people ask me this kind of things that makes me think more... though he makes me puke blood when it comes to maths, everything else is quite fun... like his guitar and his lameness..... zzz. i concede defeat when he really makes up his mind to be lame LOL



ok finally the sleep bug has caught onto me... time to rest!

even if i know it deep in my heart, sometimes i'll still have this urge to wish for something impossible. to wish that i'll revert to the old me. the kinder and more caring me. or maybe it's a sign that i've grown up. to be able to tell when and where i should let myself help others. to know when i should cross over my icy walls to care about those around me. i loved and hated my old self. loved my old self for being able to graciously and givingly helping those around me. hated myself for being so gullible and letting others make use of my so called kindness. the current me sort of knows when to remain in my boundary and not letting others enter my inner self... no longer so giving and gracious... i suppose i feel less hurt when people fail to try make use of my this "weakness", but when i want to care more about the people i used to care... somehow it feels a little more distant than in the past...

i think i've mentioned this sensation before... it feels as though u're peeking out to the world with you yourself trapped in this glass box... you can see the ongoings in the world, but the world can't touch you, and neither can you touch and feel what's going on in the world. it feels as though everything is distant to you. you are just a mere observer... with no power over the events in the world... just like part of the audience sitting in the cinema, watching the film unfold its plot in front of you. is this "calmness" supposed to be... a zen-like ideology? or some taoist idea that i had once longed to achieve? it's not like i want to make big major changes in the world to allow others to notice my presence. i'm... frustrated? upset?... with my cold and insensitive self... for being unable to notice the details and emotions of my friends which i once could...





after today's events.... i think i have a new criteria to add to my list of things to look out for a potential bf... he MUST know and have a certain level of understand for chinese. rawrs.