after bottling up for such a long time, the time bomb has finally exploded.
time bomb exploded last night at around 12midnight. reason: bomb was aggravated by a certain trigger which was rather unpleasant.
however, this might not be too bad an incident. the glass surrounding the bomb shattered, destroying the walls surrounding it. yet the debris left behind was quite a deal to handle.
was glad to have chatted with a few people last night... supposed to have been studying though, but hey who cares! *especially after flunking the great-o-certain-paper* so...haha... i'll mug later. later =)
thinking about the things i wana do during the break... i think i really need to get out somewhere, but it seems that the thailand trip's a little too expensive, and i don't know if the details have been finalised yet... eeks =X i hope they don't finalise things too quickly though =X
today i'm officially jobless. no more tuition to haunt me n stuff, but hey i wish my student koh yu all da best for her fmaths exam tml... opps forgot to wish yiwei good luck for her maths paper last week lol... but hmmms... dunno whether i'll miss chatting with them while tutoring them... and of course i'll miss the monthly small increase in my funds... but hey! ahems. well haha~
well shall continue to strive and find my motivation. to hell to those that made me upset. dammit, damn u. u're not worth a single drop of tear.
17 November 2006
i... totally lost motivation to study.
maybe ever since i entered uni, i lost that driving force.
ever since i totally flunked my circuits exam, strangely i didn't feel super motivated or upset or disappointed. it's like... oh i just flunked my exam. nth else, not even a slight surge of panic while i was doing the paper even though i can't get a single answer. seriously... i thought i'll like... dunno... cry like a baby cos i flunked a paper? or maybe even freak out that i can't do a single question in the paper?
now it feels like i've totally given up on myself on this exams.
come on it's only one paper... i think i did ok for jap... u'll do fine if u start mugging now!
sighz...
been thinking these few days... strangely my thoughts now repeating themselves in my mind is not only in chinese, sometimes japanese pops up in my head as well! omgz am i going crazy just from studying jap?
speaking of jap, i didn't even mug hard last minute... i just like slacked after circuits paper and went for jap paper... but that's cos i forced myself to consistently study for jap.
and the stupid thing was... while writing compo for jap paper, i was fantasizing about holidays and can't wait for it to come...
-_-
let's count down to what other subjects i have left...
1) ee2008 algorithms n data systems
2) mb102 business finance
3) ee2010 signals n systems <--- i'm studying so many different systems >_<
4) ee2006 engineering maths 1
i used to keep telling myself... 没有期望没有失望。yes, though i no longer feel hurt because i'm disappointed in anything, but then, somehow this whole thing seem to backfire. because i no longer have expectations of myself, i no longer have the motivation to move forward. and i had the nerve to question whether it'll be sufficient to keep moving forward. ever since even before i entered uni, it seems i tried to cast myself in a frozen glass cell to prevent my tears from falling again. well i succeeded (i think) but contrary to what i thought, i had just frozen myself in time. how nice. it's exactly the same as my blog layout. what an irony.
too many thoughts running in my head now... thinking about how my other friends are working hard while i'm still stuck in the rut, being stubborn about moving off. nobody wants to get hurt, no one wants to hurt you too. this came from an anime i'm watching now called bokura ga ita. reminds me of loads of things from the past. all memories but yet they still come back to me every now and then.
been thinking how hard it is to open up to people these days. i understand that everyone have their own problems to deal with and stuff... so i act high and mighty and say i don't wanna burden others with my problems. besides harping about the same thing every other day is tiring too, so no point talking about it. i act as though nothing's bothered me at all while my friends come to me at times about their problems. but then it seems as though i've never gotten over the entire thing before. what exactly is betrayal? what does it mean to have totally gotten past something happened in the past? does it mean totally forgetting about the whole incident and live your life as though nothing has happened before? if that's the case i suppose i have never gotten over it. with this i'm refering to an incident in secondary school. sometimes i'm left in awe how people can remember something, some event so vividly that happened so long ago and forget what something that happened a min ago.
maybe that's the main reason why i find it so hard to open up? besides, if you choose to open up to the wrong person, i can't imagine the consequences. for those who really care, i know that nobody wants to get hurt, and no one wants to hurt others; but sadly i've met people who are really out to hurt others. maybe i'll misunderstand some of my friends actions because of that. i don't know. even if, even for just a moment, you were true to me; because of that incident, the way things turned out, i'll probably hate you for the way things turned out. you can do the same to me, i wouldn't flinch or anything.
sighz. maybe it's time to ignite some passion that i once had... for sports, for music, for the things i loved. maybe there's none now, but... at least... lemme trick myself that i love studying... so that i have the motivation to mug dammit!
rawr.
maybe ever since i entered uni, i lost that driving force.
ever since i totally flunked my circuits exam, strangely i didn't feel super motivated or upset or disappointed. it's like... oh i just flunked my exam. nth else, not even a slight surge of panic while i was doing the paper even though i can't get a single answer. seriously... i thought i'll like... dunno... cry like a baby cos i flunked a paper? or maybe even freak out that i can't do a single question in the paper?
now it feels like i've totally given up on myself on this exams.
come on it's only one paper... i think i did ok for jap... u'll do fine if u start mugging now!
sighz...
been thinking these few days... strangely my thoughts now repeating themselves in my mind is not only in chinese, sometimes japanese pops up in my head as well! omgz am i going crazy just from studying jap?
speaking of jap, i didn't even mug hard last minute... i just like slacked after circuits paper and went for jap paper... but that's cos i forced myself to consistently study for jap.
and the stupid thing was... while writing compo for jap paper, i was fantasizing about holidays and can't wait for it to come...
-_-
let's count down to what other subjects i have left...
1) ee2008 algorithms n data systems
2) mb102 business finance
3) ee2010 signals n systems <--- i'm studying so many different systems >_<
4) ee2006 engineering maths 1
i used to keep telling myself... 没有期望没有失望。yes, though i no longer feel hurt because i'm disappointed in anything, but then, somehow this whole thing seem to backfire. because i no longer have expectations of myself, i no longer have the motivation to move forward. and i had the nerve to question whether it'll be sufficient to keep moving forward. ever since even before i entered uni, it seems i tried to cast myself in a frozen glass cell to prevent my tears from falling again. well i succeeded (i think) but contrary to what i thought, i had just frozen myself in time. how nice. it's exactly the same as my blog layout. what an irony.
too many thoughts running in my head now... thinking about how my other friends are working hard while i'm still stuck in the rut, being stubborn about moving off. nobody wants to get hurt, no one wants to hurt you too. this came from an anime i'm watching now called bokura ga ita. reminds me of loads of things from the past. all memories but yet they still come back to me every now and then.
been thinking how hard it is to open up to people these days. i understand that everyone have their own problems to deal with and stuff... so i act high and mighty and say i don't wanna burden others with my problems. besides harping about the same thing every other day is tiring too, so no point talking about it. i act as though nothing's bothered me at all while my friends come to me at times about their problems. but then it seems as though i've never gotten over the entire thing before. what exactly is betrayal? what does it mean to have totally gotten past something happened in the past? does it mean totally forgetting about the whole incident and live your life as though nothing has happened before? if that's the case i suppose i have never gotten over it. with this i'm refering to an incident in secondary school. sometimes i'm left in awe how people can remember something, some event so vividly that happened so long ago and forget what something that happened a min ago.
maybe that's the main reason why i find it so hard to open up? besides, if you choose to open up to the wrong person, i can't imagine the consequences. for those who really care, i know that nobody wants to get hurt, and no one wants to hurt others; but sadly i've met people who are really out to hurt others. maybe i'll misunderstand some of my friends actions because of that. i don't know. even if, even for just a moment, you were true to me; because of that incident, the way things turned out, i'll probably hate you for the way things turned out. you can do the same to me, i wouldn't flinch or anything.
sighz. maybe it's time to ignite some passion that i once had... for sports, for music, for the things i loved. maybe there's none now, but... at least... lemme trick myself that i love studying... so that i have the motivation to mug dammit!
rawr.
15 November 2006
09 November 2006
好久没回到这里。
不知道为何今天又一股冲动回到此地。哈哈为什么我前面那句话听起来那么奇怪？好像要写什么深奥的作文似的。
明明有那么多东西要管，下个礼拜的大考都还没有着落。这次肯定万蛋的。但偏偏，不知为何。。。
往事无端端地在脑里出现。
是对过去的思念，还是只因压力太大，每当压力大的时候就会回想那些美好回忆？
我变了。我不像你们任何一个人所想象的那样。
我也跟两年前的我截然不同。
有太多东西明明不是我。却也不知不觉地变成了我。
感觉简直像个谜。
不愿意再次承认孤单。因为这样的话，就无法继续前进。
我要不断的往前走。就像当初心里理想的女强人一样。不要靠任何人的力量，勇敢的凭着自己的力量在这世上立足。我也不曾忘却这是件多么孤单的一件事。
人心是那么脆弱，却也那么善变。
我不明白为什么那么久以前的事会突然出现在面前。也完全无法了解其中的原因。我不是以前的我。我不像回到过去的我。虽然单纯愚蠢的我是那么的快乐，但到头来始终还是回到了原点。
我 不想再受伤害。这把自卫的声音比任何其他不像伤害其他人的声音来的强烈。身上长着刺猬的感觉是那么痛快却无奈。痛快并不是因伤害别人，而是因为自己知道 不会再受到伤害。就像是坐在一个玻璃房间一样，看得到世间上的是是非非，看得到别人欢喜流泪，那些感受却从不属于自己。不用担心明天是否会挨饿，或者天灾会 突然降临。这是因为生活得太过富裕，还是对世上的事物都感到厌烦呢？
明明远远抛在后头的回忆，为何又会再次回到脑海里呢？
请在离我远一点吧。直到我能够更爱自己，并学习如何爱他人。直到回忆不再让隐性泪水滑落，直到我能忘记什么叫做背叛与伤痛。
不知道为何今天又一股冲动回到此地。哈哈为什么我前面那句话听起来那么奇怪？好像要写什么深奥的作文似的。
明明有那么多东西要管，下个礼拜的大考都还没有着落。这次肯定万蛋的。但偏偏，不知为何。。。
往事无端端地在脑里出现。
是对过去的思念，还是只因压力太大，每当压力大的时候就会回想那些美好回忆？
我变了。我不像你们任何一个人所想象的那样。
我也跟两年前的我截然不同。
有太多东西明明不是我。却也不知不觉地变成了我。
感觉简直像个谜。
不愿意再次承认孤单。因为这样的话，就无法继续前进。
我要不断的往前走。就像当初心里理想的女强人一样。不要靠任何人的力量，勇敢的凭着自己的力量在这世上立足。我也不曾忘却这是件多么孤单的一件事。
人心是那么脆弱，却也那么善变。
我不明白为什么那么久以前的事会突然出现在面前。也完全无法了解其中的原因。我不是以前的我。我不像回到过去的我。虽然单纯愚蠢的我是那么的快乐，但到头来始终还是回到了原点。
我 不想再受伤害。这把自卫的声音比任何其他不像伤害其他人的声音来的强烈。身上长着刺猬的感觉是那么痛快却无奈。痛快并不是因伤害别人，而是因为自己知道 不会再受到伤害。就像是坐在一个玻璃房间一样，看得到世间上的是是非非，看得到别人欢喜流泪，那些感受却从不属于自己。不用担心明天是否会挨饿，或者天灾会 突然降临。这是因为生活得太过富裕，还是对世上的事物都感到厌烦呢？
明明远远抛在后头的回忆，为何又会再次回到脑海里呢？
请在离我远一点吧。直到我能够更爱自己，并学习如何爱他人。直到回忆不再让隐性泪水滑落，直到我能忘记什么叫做背叛与伤痛。
08 November 2006
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