feeling super blessed today...

thanks pansy and sheila dears for the great dinner tonight! and my mum and sis for the wonderful surprises! haha too tired to talk more about them, but... yeaps... really grateful... ^^

nites world...

i can't take it anymore... *vomits blood*

3 tutorials per day is really too far a goal for me... i'll die before i attain such a goal...













wasted half a day yesterday slacking with randy... long time we had such a long talk... disturbing each other haha... guess he's the only guy friend i dare to wreck havoc with... talked about a lot of things... like our individual problems... he oso 破财... like me in may... but he only lost 600 cos he had a car accident and banged into this other guy's bumper... problem was... the lousy bumper cost 600 to replace. that was like crazy lah. oh well... hope he isn't too bothered by it now... 600 can earn back fast... at the good thing is no one is hurt... that's the most important... as what i told myself to make me feel better back then... 就当作是破财消灾吧！

then we talked about relationships... he keeps asking me when i'm going to get a boyfriend. who are u ah. my dad ah? so worried abt whether i can get married off or not lmao~ but it's true bah... dun dare to get too close to guys le after all the things that happened... good thing he attached, else i dun think i'm able to tell him all this kind of things like i do now... really thanks for ur concern... but i dun think i wanna get attached now anyway... got so many other things to worry about... like money n studies... who wants to spend their effort and time on something so unstable like love? end up losing all ur time n effort and get urself hurt. no point sia.

but the whole talk made me think about a lot of things... like things that happened in the past... like how that time when we were back in acjc first 3 months... i remembered this all of a sudden and it surprised him! during valentine's day and i didn't know he had a girlfriend then... he bought this bouquet of flowers... and i saw him carrying it. then dunno y he suddenly tries to protect himself and said... this bouquet of flowers is not for u... for my mum. harlow i wasn't even thinking it was for me lah. and when u said this comment it became more suspicious lor. and who buys a bouquet for mothers on valentine's day? even if so fillial buy one stalk good liao... so rich to buy a bouquet somemore... dots.

and of course on the other more... unhappy stuff... like the big event that happened to me before and after a lvls... how he tried to console me when i was at rock bottom... and he said that everything has nothing to do with me... and that the other party was a... ok i quote him haha... a jerk. well the funny thing is... i was feeling quite peaceful after the entire incident... but when he said that and the more i think about it... i feel more 不值 for myself. thinking why i'm so stupid. and that the other party really is a jerk. haha. aiyoh how can i say such a thing abt the "other party". cannot cannot cannot. haiz. the never ending argument in myself...

and that's when the first signs of me falling sick started appearing... i had blocked and runny nose the entire afternoon... kept sneezing... at first i tot who kept thinking of me *aha... bhb!* then the runny nose lasted too long to be just a prank someone tries to play on me haha... so yeaps, i think i'm sick now... not the very sick until want to die kind, but on the verge of falling sick bah.

one good thing about yesterday was that i managed to talk to randy and crap with him the entire afternoon, and i was able to complete 2.5 tutorials after that... before i totally cmi and went home from macs at 10pm... had a good chat with pansy and pey lun as well... that made me quite happy cos the day felt well-spent.

and the funny thing is... my tuition kids do disturb me online! yesterday bobby asked me to watch 2 youtube videos on ms swan from MADtv... make me laugh and cannot go to sleep because in my mind the stupid ms swan kept appearing and talking in her hardly audible voice... and her weird logic LOL... and mark! he actually is on facebook! hahahaha u are so so dead man... i'll bombard u with all the facebook applications invitations hahahahahaha~ but i'm really glad that we're so friendly like friends... ^^ really enjoy crapping with them strangely haha... at least i dun have to worry about whether what i'm doing will make others get the wrong idea blah blah blah...













now all i want is some private time off tutorials and thinking back into the past... to rest up before i really fall sick and vomit blood. after that nap... it's time for ee3003 to DIE!!! DIE U STUPID INTEGRATED ELECTRONICS!!! RAWRRR!!! *attempts to rip apart notes*

ok that's an exaggeration.

不想听不想看不想说。

只是突然感到厌烦，或许过了这个期间就不会这么想了吧。

can i scream?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~~~~~~

just my thoughts on presentations...

1. it's better to focus on content and method of delivery rather than on looks... better wear a pair of comfortable shoes... like lower heels... rather than to tremble while presenting...

2. better time management so that you can prepare your speech and slides better... it sux when u're given an assignment with so little time to the deadline, but time can be made for it... and if others can do it, why not you?

3. content wise... people are suckers for examples it seems... and come up with good ones... not boring ones...

4. try to predict audience response... i failed today at trying to get responses from the audience it seems... a few kind souls tried to help me out... my team mates insisted my presentation wasn't that bad... but i can tell that the audience wasn't as interested as i would like them to be... maybe it was my dry topic? hmmms... if only i had more time to think about my presentation and think of ways to make people interested in what i have to say... remember, people are not obliged to listen... they are there physically, who knows where their soul is... so giving examples is good... varying pitch and tone helps too...

5. self confidence... it is very important to believe in your own abilities... that you can present well and u're confident of your material... even if u're not... well, i wasn't today... was deeply affected by my previous speaker who kept speaking like a bullet train... her speech made me feel nervous though initially i was not... made me feel like i'm a lousy presenter when i compare myself to her... haiz i'm still not good enough not to let others affect me... =(












haiz. it seems i have loads of room for improvement on the presentation skills department.

wow... i realise i've been blogging almost everyday these few weeks... should i say that's good news?

in another few more hours, weijie would be flying off to start his architecture course... i might be flying to shanghai at the start of 2008 for my industrial attatchment... pansy and yuchun flying to china at around september 2008 for the rest of their course which would take around 2 years... all of a sudden i feel like i'm drifting away from so many people! there are others who had already left for their own... futures? like jonathan and jinyi and zhidong... but still... as more and more of us drift to different parts of the world... i wonder... will we be able to stay in contact? can we still stay as close as before?

i highly doubt that... but i don't wanna drift apart from my treasured friends... like pansy... i can't imagine if there's no one for me to disturb and go on sudden shopping trips just around our house... or our weekly weekend dinners... lol~ just saying this makes me sound weak, but i'm not afraid to show it... and she might not be coming back to singapore at the end of her course! so many uncertainties... makes me wanna treasure our time together as much as possible now...

but i have my reservations about... "friends". maybe those who are close to me can already tell... i can't quite trust people easily... so it's hard for acquintances to cross the border for me to really treat and accept them as friends... as in good friends bah... people whom i'm willing to try to help as much as i can... the kind of 生死之交... i suppose it's good to be cautious... but sometimes it really kinda hinders me from really interacting with people i suppose... and i really wonder whether i'm just being over sensitive... can i start to trust "friends" a little bit more? or am i just being plain stupid to even try make myself even susceptible to possible hurt and betrayal in the future?

that's why... i must treasure those whom i consider as good friends even more... one way to look at this is that... it's so hard for two people to come together and be able to understand and stay with each other for so long... and to be able to click! so we should treasure this kind of "缘分" so to say... i admit in the past i was so afraid of losing one of my best friends that i threw away that relationship on my own and left her alone wondering what actually happened... now that i think about it... it's plain stupid. haha i was such a weakling then...














12:33am now.. so tired with such deep eye bags that pansy and i called ourselves the pandas... haha~ should i go sleep now? or chiong my presentation slides? =S

omg. i think i've gone crazy.

i dreamt that my teddy bear was talking to me!













and my back is really killing me... =(

若有一天，我失去了一切，唯一能留下的东西，我希望会是音乐。

早晨醒来时的闹钟声，刷牙的节奏，收音机穿出来的美妙音符。。。我时时刻刻都活在音乐的世界里。

简直无法想象失聪的世界会是如何。所以。。。贝多芬竟然能在失聪的时候写出一首首动听的乐曲，简直就是一项壮举。。。

而我的音乐。。。我希望有一天我有能够再次站在舞台上，与大家分享。不论是与乐队，或是独自一个人表演，我都想要让大家感受到音乐的美妙。。。













ahhhh! my sister just doodled on my lecture notes! nonononononnonononono!!!

夠愛
作詞： A Chord 作曲： 東城衛 脩
編曲： 東城衛 演唱： A Chord & 東城衛

我穿梭金星 木星 水星 火星 土星 追尋
追尋你 時間滴答滴答滴答答滴身影

指頭還殘留 你為我 擦的指甲油
沒想走 你好像說過 你和我 會不會有以後
世界一直一直變 地球不停的轉動
在你的時空 我從未退縮懦弱
當我靠在你耳朵 只想輕輕對你說
我的溫柔 只想讓你都擁有

我的愛只能夠 讓你一個 人獨自擁有
我的靈和魂魄 不停守候 在你心門口
我的傷和眼淚 化為烏有 為你而流
隱藏在無邊無際 小小宇宙 愛你的我

你聽見了嗎 我為你唱的這首歌
是為了要證明 我為了你 存在的意義

世界一直一直變 地球不停的轉動
在你的時空 我從未退縮懦弱
當我靠在你耳朵 只想輕輕對你說
我的溫柔 只想讓你都擁有

我的愛只能夠 讓你一個 人獨自擁有
我的靈和魂魄 不停守候 在你心門口
我的傷和眼淚 化為烏有 為你而流
隱藏在無邊無際 小小宇宙 愛你的我

愛你的我 不能停止脈搏 為了愛你奮鬥 就請你讓我 說出口

愛只能夠 讓你一個 人獨自擁有
我的靈和魂魄 不停守候 在你心門口
我的傷和眼淚 化為烏有 為你而流
隱藏在無邊無際 小小宇宙 愛你的我 愛你的我

我穿梭金星 木星 水星 火星 土星 追尋
追尋你 時間滴答滴答滴答答滴身影













i realise i'm starting to like chinese rock a lot... influence from the tv show i'm watching now, 終極一家 and great bands like 五月天... ok maybe it's just that i found a new genre of music to enjoy listening to... i like japanese rock too from a long time ago...

i wanna learn how to play the electric guitar! and to sing with a band! \(TTmTT)/ haiz. my far away dream...

i can't help but to feel like an idiot these days.

maybe mark's right... i'm just too softhearted?













i ought to look at things from alternate perspectives... getting stuck in your own opinion and viewpoint can kill and lead one to making uninformed decisions. i made the decision last time... so i must and will stick to it. and i will not let you affect my life again. not worth it anyway. rawr.

time to start bucking up and catching up on my tutorials, presentations, assignments and japanese...

突然有个念头。

我好想离开这里。离开这个充满回忆的地方。离开这个让我感到疲惫的地方。离开这个似乎不适合我的世界。不想留在这个整天彼此伤害对方的世界里。这算是我的逃避心理吗？还是这只是我胡思乱想罢了？

生命里明明有这么多美好的事情，但却因为莫名的压力，让我们的双眼蒙蔽。当初美丽的太阳，花草树木，我已经无法像以前一样逍遥的欣赏。考试，作业，永远忙不完的事情接二连三地堆。说实在的，我真的累了。我知道这是我选择的道路，会比其他人来的辛苦。可是现在的我正在犹豫。。。这条路。。。真的是选对了吗？

但或许，选择权并不在我手里。

我不想再受伤害了。
但似乎，我又常常故意让自己受伤。
就算没这回事，每次胡思乱想，心里就会感到不舒服。
难道我有自虐倾向？








明天的测验该怎么办？嗨。

why did i dream of you again this morning?...

dreamt of you drawing pictures of snowflakes for your new love... i tried to talk to you but you ignored me. so i ignored you despite how you reluctantly tried to apologise to me later.

but in afterthought... what right did i have to do this to you? in my dream i looked so childish.

and why must i dream of you this morning.













conclusion: i'm still as baka as ever lmao.

i can't help but to feel stupid. or maybe i'm stupid. rawr.
i purposely put myself in position for others to hurt me.
baka. you never learn from your mistakes.













currently procrastinating on my lab report. i have absolutely no idea what to include and what not to include in the lab report... which figures to scan in from my lab manual, which ones to leave out. argh. can i ask someone else to do my lab report for me instead? lol~

i feel whiny today =(

the gip interview yesterday turned out fine... and much better than i thought.... perhaps lol! i ended up chatting with the professors... despite being left totally in shock after the first question they asked me... which is "what is GIP in chinese"? i stunned and actually replied... i have never heard of such a thing! i think i must have sounded super dumb in front of my profs in retrospect... well... hope i will get the chance to go china... and then i can try to apply for the scholarship...

actually quite excited by the idea of living alone in a foreign country for 6 months... i wanna learn to be more independent ^^ like how to handle my own laundry, cooking... *i hope the food i cook will be edible haha~*

and my professors actually told me off because i felt i didn't have much chance when applying for the exchange... they say my gpa is way above average when in my opinion i think it's not that good... ok i think pple will slap me for that statement above, but that's how i really feel haha~ so yeaps they said the locals strangely have very low confidence... which is very true at least in my case haha~ afraid of being out shined by the foreign students, being too humble until it brings the negative effect of having low self-esteem... we seal off our opportunities which are actually available for us to grasp... after hearing them say this i sort of got encouraged by what they said... and gained a little more confidence in my abilities lol~

and the good luck continued today... and really... i guess it's really all in the mind. i was very weary and dreaded doing homework... but yesterday for the first time i sat down at home and read my lecture notes... and i did 2 tutorials today.... a slight sense of achievement though the 2 tutorials themselves took like... 2+ hrs to complete *excluding time to revise notes* i'm surprised i can sit still and even finish 1 tutorial in a go haha~

and the prof. comm. lessons which i dread so much? the tutor still looks as stern as ever... and i totally panicked when i realised i totally forgot that i have that tutorial today and i forgot to bring the textbook.... thanks shian for lending me her textbook! actually i dun really dare to ask for favors from others... so thanks so much for lending me the textbook without even asking for the reason behind it! it sort of became a morale boost to make me feel less intimidated in the class full of year 4s... and plus! during lunch i met shianchi and yinyin's friends who went on exchange to seattle together... and guess wad? one of them turned out to be my tutorial mate for prof comm! shianchi is my lucky star ^^

i hope everyday can be as cheerful as today...

but for now... let me hit my pillow...

もう誰のために笑顔を無くしたくない。じゃ、元気にしてよ。

tml's my interview for the gip trip to china! omg i'm so nervous =( do i have to wear formal or even wear makeup or something? do i need to memorise all the history of ntu? what kind of questions should i prepare for? argh!

*惊叹* 我是不是变成了腐女？最近都不想出门，只想在家里休息，什么都不想要管。天啊，我好不容易才摆脱了这个称号，现在似乎又回到开学前的状态。。。真的是ohmygod!

最近似乎每天都出门，一天不出门就觉得怪怪的。昨天翘掉整天的课，有一点过意不去。。。不过也因为这样，我终于逼自己做了点作业。或许是这几个星期忙到疯了，想歇息一下，所以这几天都没有心情做任何作业。。。好危险呀。。。我明明功课比别人还繁重，还在这里耍孩子脾气。。。真是无可救药。。。

这阵子我似乎很喜欢用华文来写我的部落格。。。我的华文似乎退步了好多。。。连部落格该怎么写都不知道。。。真是差劲。如果明年到中国实习华文还是这么差。。。真是丢脸。

其实我很想用日文来写部落格，但我的日文实在是。。。cmi。。。说了都觉得惭愧。最近也没空为今年底的考试做准备，真是不应该。。。明明有时间的。。。但是我无法定下心，每天都要看《终极一家》。。。说真的。。。真的非常上瘾。。。超爱里面的人物与演员。。。大東!!!禹哲!!!简直是帅呆了。。。

好啦，我的疯也发到这里就到此为止吧，不然每个人都会知道我私底下是个神经病。。。哎呀，不小心说了出来。。。哈哈。