i dunno why i'm feeling kinda... depressed now? maybe it's the wonderful weather... raindrops falling, at this time of the night, and i'm extremely tired and can't go on with my tutorials... at this time i usually let my mind drift... despite having a really fun conversation with my brother's gf now *and bitching abt my brother hahahahaha i'm joking =)* somehow everything feels empty. can't explain this feeling anyway. it seems like everytime i bring up that particular topic i'll feel empty.

although in my mind i know that this is already in the past, somehow whenever i talk abt this matter, those bad memories keep coming back to haunt me... can't u just let me go on and start my new life?

and it's strange... i can talk to sarah *my brother's gf* like some long lost old friend... talking cock just like how i'd talk to my friends normally, i can also talk to my close friends like weijie without having to think hard to continue the conversation, but i can't talk or converse properly with certain other individuals. maybe we just don't click or the chemistry isn't there? but i geniunely want to talk to the other individuals more and learn more about them! though i just met sarah the first time in my entire life... i dunno why i feel i can talk to her without feeling much restrain. sighz why is my mind so complex?

omigod! it seems that in china blogspot can't be accessed! how the hell can i blog when i'm in china then?! aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh~~~~

so tireds... i had to go to sleep at... *my normal?* time yesterday before 12... when i wanted to try to do another tutorial before i went to sleep... maybe it's time for me to pull back my sleeping time these days... like.. to have 5hrs or sleep everyday or something? lol~ exams are coming and there's so much workload waiting for me... and yet i have the time to blog?! talk about irony...

i insist! i'm just trying to destress ^^

and sometimes i wonder if i'm just someone who's really bad at conversations =S

everything... is just like a dream.

today i finally finished giving tuition to mark. wad a trouble kid. we suan each other about today being my final maths lesson to him for o lvls, unlike how i became kind of emo when i had my "final" lesson with bobby. but... after the lesson today, i feel terribly tired and yet satisfied... like i've walked mark through the entire (hell load) year of o lvl maths... and not forgetting the same maths (shit) with bobby... these two kids ah... no respect no manners but i dunno y i like teaching and talking to them alot... i can tell them some of the stuff that i wouldn't dare to tell others in my same age... sometimes it's like looking at me when i'm younger like their age... and sometimes i envy the crazy things they do (like how mark will put on this blue recycling bag on his head with the word terrorist, and then bursting into classes halfway through lesson to scare the fellow classmates LOL)... but good thing is, somehow it wouldn't be the last time i'll be meeting with mark and bobby, cos we have some sort of a meeting after exams for me to claim my pay from bobby! rawrs how can u withhold my pay!

but the good thing is, now i can finally focus on my tutorials... i've got another 22 tutorials on my list of tutorials to complete... in the coming 2 weeks. monday's already gone since i'm too tired to do anything now i guess... hais another long long week ahead of me... and my horoscope says i should not overwork myself! eeks!

i want a digital camera, webcam, microphone and loads of sleep! rawrs!

崇拜
歌手：梁静茹

你的姿态 你的青睐
我存在在 你的存在
你以为爱 就是被爱
你挥霍了我的 崇拜

我活了 我爱了 我都不管了
心爱到疯了恨到算了就好了
可能的 可以的 真的可惜了
幸福好不容易怎么你却不敢了呢

我还以为我们能 不同于别人
我还以为不可能的 不会不可能

你的姿态 你的青睐
我存在在 你的存在
你以为爱 就是被爱
你挥霍了我的 崇拜

风筝有风 海豚有海
我存在在 我的存在
所以明白 所以离开
所以不再 为爱而爱
自己存在 在你之外

haha thanks to pansy... i've gotten a new found addiction...

sick of how i always look with my hair parting? or my lousy hairstyle?

here's my makeover!!! XD


ahhh i feel like doing a real makeover now... *pouts*

又到了夜静的时候了。乘脑子还在酒精的影响之下，我决定了。我不想再为此事而烦恼。一个似乎不曾关心过我的人，我为何要为他难过？这根本没必要。所以我不准再为此事感到难过！

一切都只是一场梦。快乐悲伤，都让我感到莫名的空虚。明明就不应该是这样的嘛。还是我已超越了人拥有丰富感情的那个境界？

感觉一直以来我都在扑空。不曾拥有什么。或许以后也不会拥有任何东西。这种空虚的感觉，难道就是所谓的真实吗？













i know i should go to sleep now, but the other side of me tells me not to... feel like pushing myself further more to do some work now... but... hais.

give me a little bit more time, and i shall be back to the energetic and crazy girl i was...

i want and need sleep. rawrs.

it's a rather old song, but when i saw the mtv today, i can't help but feel my tears roll down my cheeks...

When You're Gone
Avril Lavigne

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

(chorus)
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words i need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

(chorus)

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

(chorus)

i finally koped some photos from yihui's 21st party! ok lah i'll just post one here for rememberance... ^^


once again, a really happy (belated) birthday to yihui! a bit paiseh i couldn't stay till the cake cutting on ur party itself, but i wish that u'll be blessed in this upcoming year... and not be troubled by love matters so much! ^^ in the picture there's me, yihui and then jiayuan... haha long time never meet my fellow 4/11 friends, but somehow they don't seem to have changed! really glad to see them again at yihui's party even for that short while... caught up with jiayuan and qiu yun (yes my fellow qy! ^^) still as hilarious the two of them... now that i think about it i kinda miss the times fooling ard with them... =)













「私のことが好きです」と言われる事はほんとに難しいですよ。
it is really tough for one to be able to say "i like the things about myself".

for a while, i thought i was able to do it. i was able to like the things about me and feel good about it. until last night, when i had to talk about a particular experience. although i thought i had gotten past it, somehow when i started talking about it, 我突然有一股怒气冲了上来。and after that, it took me a really long while to cool down and be able to fall asleep. i don't like that aspect of myself. i don't like how i wasn't able to smile and joke about that past experience as though it was nothing *though on the surface i did since it was on msn... i told the other party in conversation that it's nothing. but i wasn't smiling when i typed out the messages.* deep down i knew. it's a funny feeling to be unable to come clean to myself that somehow, i still care a lot about this issue. and i thought and had told myself that i'm going to let go. have i really let go?

i feel like such a hypocrite. i purposely did some things for some motives which i consider dumb and blond now... shall not go into the details... and now i feel like such an idiot. why am i doing these things in the first place? i shouldn't be doing things that might cause others to misunderstand isn't it... like not being too close with certain people when i do and still have some sort of personal barrier i can't cross myself.

i want to be able to let go. haven't i been doing fine all these while? why let all these negativity come back to me when i'm just feeling sunshiny? is this all a joke?

will i be able to love myself and find inner peace?

モラルの葬式
作詞: アンジェラ・アキ
作曲: アンジェラ・アキ

フクロウの鳴き声は「死」の警報で
闇が傷口を開いて満月を出す
信者から不信心者　神父達まで
喪服を着て風の声に耳をすました

今宵はモラルの葬式だ
Pater Noster

流れ星は空の涙　樹々の嗚咽が森に響く
湖は悲哀を　水面を渡る風に伝え
その風が皆を葬儀場に呼んだ

今宵はモラルの葬式だ

前の方に愛が座り　その隣には
哲学がタバコをくわえ思いにふける
プライドと献身はその真後ろで
やけに深刻な顔をして話し込んでいる

誰もが動揺を隠せない
Pater Noster

知恵に手を引かれたまだ幼い無垢が
棺の中に白いバラを投げ込むと
理性が席を立って　黒いベールをまくり
式の最後に皆の前で
ゆっくりと語り始めた

「息子との突然の別れに私は今　心を乱している
凛とした彼の声　まっすぐなまなざしを
いつまでも忘れない

今でもきっと灯台の様に
私達を照らしている
迷った時　はぐれた時　道が見えない時
善と悪の節目にそっと　あなたの心に　彼は生き続ける」

Pater Noster

同情が激しくうなずき　拍手が起こり
真実が理性の耳元で言った

「私も息子がいたの
希望がいなくなっても彼は今でも
皆の中で生きている」

フクロウが鳴き止んで飛び立った頃
朝もやをかきわけながら太陽が出た

私はいつも勇気を持って、元気になりたい。

昨日はほんとに最高だ。Ｐｒｅｓｅｎｔａｔｉｏｎが終わって、先生に教えて、いいコメントをもらった。まだとても上手になったけど、今回のはこの前のよりいいと思って、ちょっと嬉しいです。そして、Ｅメールをチェックして、奨学金をもらった！\（＾ｖ＾）/やった！それ以上じゃなくて、ＭｉｃｒｏｓｏｆｔからＥメールももらった。来年上海にＭｉｃｒｏｓｏｆｔでａｔｔａｔｃｈｍｅｎｔをするチャンスをくれました。今覚えてもとても嬉しいですよ！だから、今声を返さなくてもいいぞ！＾＾

wow it sure is hard to type out my thoughts in japanese... though it's a good chance for me to practise since i'm taking jlpt 3 at the end of this year... i'm starting to crash the japanese lessons lee sensei is having with the actual hmj4 people, so far things aren't too bad, just that i need to find time to finish the work she gives... in addition to trying to catch up with all the grammer items that i missed out since i only started crashing like... when she almost finished going through all the grammar stuff? lol!

next up in my list of challenges to conquer... the ee3017 quiz on friday! i haven't finished all my tutorials yet, still have another 3 more to go i think... plus i wanna do my ee3014 tutorial today as well... and i need to go to the library to borrow books to prepare for my interview with microsoft... hmmms i think i should go to the library to study, but i'm scared that my constant coughing will irritate other fellow library users... wad should i do? =S

i wish i can continue to be as energetic as i was before... and to have the courage to show my kindness to others... and to show my "true" self... although i can't tell exactly what my true self is... but i feel i'm happiest when i'm mingling with people i like... and being unafraid to give and help them. i was afraid of being taken advantage of by others, this situation doesn't change even now, but... if i take a small step... who knows? would a miracle happen or something? haha~

and on a final note... 終極一家 ended last night on taiwan tv! so sadeds! no more 大東!!! hais... so sad to leave this fantastic series and cast that i didn't watch 2 days worth of the show... cos it's the finale... maybe i shall leave it till this weekend when my quiz is over? lol~ 夏天!孟主!蘭陵王!夏宇夏美!還有阿公!我會想念你們的!
<(TT m TT)>

can i be emo just for tonight?

ok i realised that i'm emo for most of the nights anyway... LOL.













tomorrow's my presentation on managing difficult people. doing up on this topic actually leaves me with a really funny feeling. we're all talking about how to DEAL with difficult people, but have we ever thought whether WE are the difficult people in question? haha from the data and characteristics we discussed in the presentation, i realised that i can be quite a difficult person in other people's point of view. which is a bad thing isn't it...

difficult people are everywhere. in my part of the presentation i actually mentioned the various characteristics that would land someone under the category of being difficult : always complaining, extremely picky, does not listen, refuse to give feedback, can't be bothered, self-centered, or inconsiderate. come to think of it, i fall into these quite often isn't it =X it's so easy to be difficult, yet hard to handle these difficult people. i feel that instead of just managing difficult people, we should also learn to manage our own tendencies to be difficult. but of course, we can't go up, present to others and tell them straight in the face that they have the tendency to be difficult and thus they should look out for their difficult behavior. nonono, people don't like to be accused of this, with the probable exception of me perhaps?

while we point at others, blaming them for being difficult, how many of us can look at things and reflect upon ourselves and admit the negativities we inflict on others? i believe if everyone can look at things in this perspective, there wouldn't be so many difficult people along the streets...

there are so many difficult people around us. haiz. how should i tackle my problems and conflict with them? i don't feel like confronting them and talking to them since... maybe i'm being difficult too? lol~ don't see the point of confronting since i feel our interests would conflict anyway. if i want to resolve this issue with them, it's more like i've got a need to be on good terms with them in the upcoming semester(s) and so on... feels kinda weird this way if i'm psychoing myself to do this... =( i know that if i wanna settle things i should go talk to them and get things out straight... but this feels weird and so un...real... like i'm being a hypocrite and stuff. and besides, i somehow think and believe that i can be independent... *though this is a dangerous way of thinking imo haha~*

ok enough about all these! i'm super worried for presentation tml cos... 1. in the morning i have tuition with marki 2. wad to wear! 3. am i wearing my heels the entire day? *NO!!! \(TT m TT)/* 4. will my voice come back tomorrow? *doesn't feel nor look like it sadly* 5. will my tutor pick on me tomorrow? etc etc. so many uncertainties! haiz i wish i'm more confident and have more courage to present tomorrow... be able to look into the audience eyes longer... i realise i'm very shy in looking into people's eyes when i'm presenting... and i'm scared i'll forget my points and so on... rawr! so scared! =(

maybe instead of ranting here i shall go memorise my points on powerpoint... sighz~

here's an imaginary manga scenario i've thought up with. don't laugh at me hor. hehex~

background: Yukino (雪野 shortened to 雪) is an energetic girl *ok in manga which girls aren't energetic if they're the main characters* 16 year old, with 2 suitors, Suzaku (すざく shortened to just す) and Minazuki (水無月 shortened to 水)... but somehow Suzaku has a closer link and bond to Yukino... so ahems ahems... XD

Yukino appears to be a strong girl who never seems to be down by any obstacle she meets, however deep down she is actually afraid of being alone. Of course she tries not to let others know about this because she's one with strong pride and ego and tries not to let others into her heart. All except one... her best friend had left for America, so she's all lonely now. after crying her heart out that night after her best friend left for America, the story unfolds on the next day, where she has to go to school along with the 2 other main chars of this story arc ^^

anyway things might get confusing below...cos the dialogue is gonna be in chinese~


narration:
没关系。
就算没有你，也无所谓。
因为，我并不孤单。

scene: Yukino running to school in the morning, saying hi to all her friends along the way, including Suzaku and Minazuki.

雪：早安！
水：（戴着笑脸）小雪，早！
す:早。(keeps kinda quiet, looking at 雪's figure as she runs past him and 水)

scene: shows Yukino doing class duty of cleaning the whiteboard.
narration: 没有你，我还是我。

scene: shows Yukino raising her hand during class.
narration: 我还能微笑。

scene: shows Yukino enjoying lunch with some of her girlfriends including friend A, B, C and D.
narration: 身旁的笑声不断。

scene: shows Yukino walking along the school corridor with a stack of notes with friends, chatting happily along the way.
narration: 所以，我并不孤独。

scene: shows Yukino playing volleyball *YES! VOLLEYBALL! XD* at PE. friend C spikes a ball across, and Yukino was stoning.

D: 小雪！
雪: (stoning)... ... 啊！
ball hits 雪 right on the head *bull's eye!*

scene: shows Yukino in the infirmary, surrounded by friends A, B, Suzaku and Minazuki.

水:小雪，你没事吧？
雪: 没事！（脸带微笑）
A:没事那就好！
す: (uses his hand to measure 雪's forehead temperature) 你在发烧耶。
雪: 这一点烧，算不了什么。（脸带微笑）

narration: 对。这算不了什么。

scene: end of school. everybody leaves the school.

B : 那么明天见咯。
A : 要小心身体喔。
雪: 明天见！

水：小雪，要不要我送你回家？
雪：啊，不用了，谢谢。
我自己回家就行了。
水：真的吗？
雪：喂，我是谁？我是雪野耶。
只不过是回家罢了，我是不会迷路的唷。
水：可是。。。你不是一向都会找人陪你回家的吗？
雪: 。。。

narration :
我并不孤独。
我够坚强。
我不需要别人陪伴。

雪：哈哈。明天有测验，如果发烧传给你，你不就惨了吗？
水：啊！测验！我都忘了有这回事！
那么，你回家路上要小心。
雪：好！那明天见！

scene: Yukino slowly trudging back home. having a fever makes it hard for her to walk past the crowd on her way home. Suzaku trailing behind her, trying not to let her see him.

narration:
对。我根本就不需要别人在我身旁。
我靠自己的力量也可以。
没有你在我也行。
我一点都不孤独。

scene: Yukino starts to feel giddy due to her fever. Suzaku rushes up and catches her in his arms before she faints and hit the ground.

す: 你没事吧？
我看我还是送你回家吧。
雪: 没事，我只是一时慌神罢了。
す: 不要再硬撑了，我还是送你回家吧。
雪: 不用了，我不需要你陪。

scene : Suzaku doesn't say anything, held Yukino's hand and brought her towards a park on the way to Yukino's house. Sun sets, street lamps start to light up. Yukino starts to struggle when they reach the park.

雪: 我都说过了，我不需要你陪。
す: 你不是最害怕孤单吗？
为什么害怕孤单，却又不肯让别人陪？

(erms... lightning strikes Yukino. or rather the effect that looks like that's the case... haha~)

雪: (looking down) 够了，不要再说了。
我不怕孤单。
我只是。。。
す: 你好自私。
别人想关心你，陪伴你，
你却把他们推到一旁不理不睬。
雪: 不要再说了。
我并不孤单。
我也不害怕孤单。
因为，(tears start forming)
如果承认我害怕，
我就无法在像以前一样开朗。(starts sobbing)
す: (gives Yukino a hug)
雪: 请你不要离开我，好吗？
す: 嗯。













kyaaaaaa~ it's like the ultimate romance imo lor! ok not ultimate lah. but when girls are weak like this they're very susceptible to kindness from guys... so yeaps. somemore in a park when the sun sets somemore! this is so typical of jap shoujo type of manga... eeks! omg i can't believe i actually spent my time on this stupid 幻想 lor... dots. but the images like kinda vivid in my mind... i wish i can draw them out on paper... if only my drawing skills that zai... haha! but the style i had in mind was quite arina style... this script like not so much her style leh... hahas! i wanna learn how to draw and create my own manga! \(TT m TT)/

あたしの声を返して！

so many things that i wanna blog about, but i've got no time and energy left today...

i finally got hold of angela aki's today album! yays!

and... i had a 4/11 meeting today at yihui's birthday party... feeling abit guilty for being unable to stay for the cake cutting, since i'm not feeling well and i've got tuition tml morning, but i'm glad i'm back now because my sore throat is really causing a slight fever... but. ahems that's not the point! took a lot of crazy shots with these gals as well, would post them here if i get hold of them haha... and i managed to talk with some of them after being unable to see them for like... months? had a great time suaning jia yuan *opps* and a really long chat with qiu yun on our way home... i'm glad we have the chance to talk so much on such a deep level... really glad that we went home together! and i can't wait for us to meet up again once our exams are over and done with... EXAMS! DIE!!!!

and... i really wish for all of us girls to find our happiness, be it now, or in the future. =)

today was yet another sinful day for a girl who had sworn on a diet... behold!

to celebrate my belated birthday, i had a treat from yu chun at none other than my favourite buffet restaurant... suki sushi! once again, picture speaks a thousand words, so my this entire blog entry has like at least 6k words... eeks so wordy...

so far... all's calm and good and nice... until...

yay! we managed to uphold the record of stacking up plates as high as the counter! way to go!!!~~~ XD *i bet the other people sitting around us must be thinking these 2 girls are mad*

come on don't be shy to show the faces of the 2 gluttons with their conquered items ^^

kids, don't try this at home. although u might want to visit heaven soon, i strongly advise you: choking to death on wasabi is definitely not a beautiful way of dying.

ok the reason for the above picture with yu chun trying to kill herself with wasabi *mental note to self: it's wasabi not wasabe... i don't know how that name came to my head...* was she actually had blocked nose, which she tried to unblock using wasabi... it did help, but shortly after that, she got her blocked nose back together with blocked ears. so she had to keep increasing the dosage of wasabi to try get her nose and ears unblocked...

not a very nice way of curing flu imo haha!















and today, i finally got my hands on these treasures... XD


i've known angela aki since her song kiss me good-bye which is the theme song of final fantasy 12... and her voice's damn good... so i'm really glad that i bought this album today, though my initial aim was to get her 2nd album "today"... her first album is also... damn good. i haven't got the time to listen in depth, i'm still floating around feeling high on my latest acquisition...

and here's my second addition to my collection of cds... yuna ito! haha love her loads too since "endless love" which was one of the theme songs in the first NANA movie... then there was "precious" which was wonderful too... currently listening to this cd now... ^^ and feeling damn contented =)

well, i seldom buy jpop cds since it's so hard to get them at cheap prices here and i have a slight dislike for hmv, since they do charge cds at higher prices than normal... but i'm glad i dropped by there today and got these 2 cds haha! now if only they can ship angela aki's today album faster to singapore... =S

i felt my wallet burn when i spent almost 50bucks on these 2 cds in a single day... and wait till i turn and look at yu chun... she spent a freaking 170+++ bucks on cds at hmv! damn they should have some sort of membership card just for her... i feel the pain for her wallet but she seems indifferent to it somehow... so... haha! guess she's used to burning her wallet out for cds and dvds... ^^ but pls! next time try not to do this kind of stunts anymore k? it's bad for... my heart. LOL.

photos photos and more photos!

these are taken during our ktv session one day before my birthday with my ntu clique... the photos are not that clear so bear with them ^^

yay! ktv queens pey lun and me!!! XD

that's *from left to right* pey lun, me, edwin and nicholas!

it's a little dark... so why is edwin's handphone snatching the limelight? lol~

erms all of a sudden my eye seemed ultra big... lol~ and nicholas looked like he's napping!

squeeze pey lun! woohoo!

the ktv session was shiok! but not shiok enough for me because for those who know me, 3 hrs of ktv is simply NOT ENOUGH! haha ok lah ignore me and my craziness... anyway the cake upstairs was really yummy and i really enjoyed the entire ktv session... ^^ thanks again to everyone! and thanks to wen lin for taking these photos!














sometimes... i wonder if thinking too much is a good thing. i think i've kinda stopped dwelling too much and too deep into matters. well it did make me happier a little, because i don't feel vexed over matters i can't arrive at a satisfactory solution. sometimes i do miss the times when i'll rack my brains out thinking about big philosophical ideas, but when i do get frustrated and depressed about how negative things seem in the real world, this doesn't look nor feel that good. so i told myself not to think so much, and as a result i guess i'm becoming more and more bimbotic... ok maybe not since i don't fulfill the boobs criteria =(

"girls are supposed to enjoy dolling themselves up and only go for superficial looks." hmmms i wonder how true that is. how about changing the subject from girls to guys? guys are not much better, but i suppose most girls do like to doll up themselves. afterall, it's not a crime to look pretty isn't it? but i think looking good and having inner beauty can co-exist, and it is not necessary for them to be mutually exclusive.

sometimes i think... is it really that easy for people to fall in and out of love? ok this idea came from one of my favourite manga haha... in general, looking about a lot of people around me, it seems to be the case. people can break up with their previous boyfriend/girlfriend and get attached again like... 1 week after the breakup? as though nothing had happened before? i wonder what's true love then... is it just someone trying to be stubborn to enforce such an idealistic "love" where one will spend ages waiting for the other, or to force oneself to continue loving the other. wait. this idea sounds familiar... i think i heard it from he fang or something before? hmmms...

it's how strange all these floating thoughts in my head can swim around for a really long time, seemingly totally unrelated to one another, and then all of a sudden, pom! they link up as one general idea and make total sense as compared to the original gibberish. wonders of the human brain?

back to the idea of people falling in and out of love quickly... somehow this world seems so superficial... sometimes i wonder if i'm superficial like those people i kind of despise... haha... maybe superficial not in the relationship sense? ok maybe i'm superficial when it comes to relationships too, because i must admit, when i see someone for the first time, i do form judgements to a certain extent based on that person's looks. and it'll be good if my future boyfriend isn't too bad looking too. but somehow... this whole idea of being so shallow about relationships... it disgusts me. like how some guys can just go chasing a girl when they barely know each other. i want to puke when i see some of these guys trying to sweet talk girls in hope of earning themselves a cute girlfriend. do they only think about their bottom and not their upper torso? =S

and sometimes, i'm skeptical about this whole notion of love. i feel that humans are selfish by nature. we'll love ourselves more than we love others... so when someone claims that they like you... could it just be that that guy/girl just wants to enjoy the presence and existence of a girlfriend/boyfriend? how many would be able to truly love their other partners more than they love themselves? well, i think it's not necessary to have such unconditional love. or rather, it's not practical, because when only one party in the relationship is giving this unconditional love, it will very likely be taken for granted. since it's not good to love unconditionally, and the motive for love itself doesn't seem to be pure itself, why love? is it just to chase away loneliness or just for one to show off or something? why even expose yourself to possible hurt in the future when the relationship turns bad?

ok lah, that's enough for now... right now i need sleep... zzz...

on second thoughts, it's better if i stick to my original conviction. ^^

ok i haven't updated in a really long while, and below is going to be a really long entry... u have been warned ^^












first things first! woohoo i'm 21!!! well, actually i didn't really like birthdays for a number of reasons: 1. sometimes it's quite troublesome, 2. it's better not to keep expectations high, 3. i wouldn't expect others to sit down and spend time on me just because it's my birthday.... to me birthdays are : 1. just another plain ordinary day, nothing special about it, and 2. a painful day that reminds me that i'm here on this cruel world for another year. but i'm glad i changed my mind on my 21st birthday. ^^





for my past... 5 birthdays? i've been hoping that a certain someone would at least message me happy birthday. first two years he did, but i was expecting more from him then since we see each other more frequently. then as we drifted even more and more apart, the message came even later and didn't come to me as nicely as i hoped it would be. then in the last 2 years, they stopped coming altogether. that was one of the reasons why i hated my birthdays too -- it seemed like no one really cared. not that i would care then, that's what i told myself too.

this year i decided to stop waiting.

and yes, i'm much happier and better off without waiting for something that would never arrive.

that half hearted kindness, i think i've finally snapped out of it. ^^





i'm really glad and blessed to have my family and friends around me... ahh first let me talk about my presents haha!

1. pansy and sheila got me a makeup set! XD after making them spend so much money on that, the night when i went home i saw another makeup set from my mother on my study desk! talk about having surprises... so right now i've got 2 makeup sets... i don't know whether to laugh or not... thanks! it felt really warm in me when i saw that pleasant surprise! but seriously lah, next time i should coordinate better hahahahahahahaha~

2. thanks shian chi yin yin nicodemus and weixiang! they got me kinokuniya vouchers which are like... omg to me... cos i'm a manga lover and those vouchers... ahems. sorry guys i've already spent half of them on a manga set which i shall elaborate later ^^

3. thanks to my ntu clique! pey lun, wen lin, bolin, zhi chao, edwin, kee sing, nicholas, yeeling and da jie! although i can't say i'm that close to them, i'm quite... surprised that they'll spend the time with me to hang out at ktv... i was kinda... not expecting them to do that haha... and yeaps, i really appreciate the company =) thanks for the ktv, the card, the necklace and earrings!

ok that doesn't sound like a lot of presents, but i'm a rather easy going person, wasn't even expecting any presents from people other than my family hahahaha~ so yeaps, i will treasure them... and during the entire week, with all the people wishing me happy birthday, it really made me feel blessed and very 幸福... ok lah just take it that i'm crazy bah...













now... onto some of the pictures which i got...

first is my dinner with pansy on sheila... i haven't gotten the picture of me and pansy yet, so here's the picture of me together with sheila...


it's been a long time since we met up! so glad we have our yearly birthday celebrations together! hope we can meet up again in dec before i leave for china...



and here's my outing with shian chi weixiang n nico... let the pictures do the talking =)


that's me with shian chi! XD


and seriously, who mugs in a restaurant like our mugger weixiang? oO


erms... muggers... unite?


eeks why are u taking such a weird shot of me?


that's me n my birthday cake! and i'm 21! ^^


me with nico!


i wish for world peace! yeah right~


ok i'm really making my wish now... ^^


cut cake time! XD


that's me with shian chi again! we took like 3 pictures of the 2 of us smiling... until we can't smile anymore... haha!


that's shian chi and weixiang! looking chio n shuai!

and after weixiang left... we had havoc at the supermarket in the basement... they were selling loads of halloween stuff... so we thought it wouldn't hurt if we had some fun... XD



dun try anything funny with spiderman and alien!



u know what? actually shian chi is a student from hogwarts! dun tell anyone else! shhh~



and tadah! using magic 3 packets of chips appeared magically! *though i wish the weight we gain from these chips can disappear magically too...*



shian chi running for the quidditch club!



and suddenly... eeks! where did this freak come out from?!



never fear! for qing yu is coming to the rescue! yay!














ahh that took a darn long time for me to upload these photos... =( darn blogger giving me problems... so halfway i changed to my multiply site... there are more photos which i didn't upload here, so u guys can visit my photo album which is quite dusty by now cos i don't really like taking photos hahahahaha~













really... word of thanks to...

1. my family... thanks for taking care of me so far... my mum sis n brother for being so sweet to me on my birthday itself... although my dad wasn't around, it didn't feel as lonely as i anticipated... so yeap thanks =)

2. pansy n sheila for making my day that saturday! with the wonderful dinner and makeup set! thanks for the company and time!

3. shian chi yin yin weixiang and nico! especially shian chi! thanks for organising the dinner on my behalf... i was quite lazy hahaha~ and thanks guys for the wonderful gift again!

4. my ntu clique... after reading the comments on the card u guys gave me, plus spending time with me... i really wanna thank u guys for that. yeaps...

5. all those people that msged me happy birthday on that day itself! i counted.. hehex... 15 sms, 2 msn bdae greetings, erms... 5 facebook messages wishing me happy birthday... really, thanks for remembering! *bows*













and now... wad have i been doing the past week besides celebrating and wasting my entire week away... actually i found a new/old anime from my all-time-favourite mangaka... arina takemura... the title of that work is kamikaze kaitou jeanne... i like all arina takemura's works... she has this strange ability of touching my heart with the issues she discusses with her works... guess that's the power of her story telling =)

i'm so drawn to the story and characters that i actually finished the entire anime series of 44 episodes in 3 days. that's freaking short time considering how busy i'm supposed to be. oh well i'm busy watching anime then. =(

story centers on this girl called kusakabe maron... she's a strong girl but lonely, since she's all left alone in japan while her parents are working overseas. on the surface she just looks like any normal 16 year old girl whose passionate about rhythmic gynmastics, but in actual fact, she's the mysterious thief jeanne who strikes no matter how many traps the police sets up for her. as i read on, i realise how similar i am to maron... maybe that's why i'm so drawn to this story. she can't trust others too due to her past as well, and the story is of her on her journey of self-discovery, and of people dealing with loneliness, issue of trust and betrayal. of course there's romance in it, but let's not dwell too deep into this...

i like kamikaze kaitou jeanne a lot because.... 1. the story is damn good. 2. the character drawing is damn good. 3. the anime presents issues at a pace well enough to bring out the ideas. and.... after reading this work, i totally idolise arina takemura! from now onwards i will only use her drawings as my wallpaper on my laptop! woohoo!

from this manga *oh yes, this is the series i spent half my vouchers from kinokuniya on... yays!* i'm starting to think... whether it's alright for me to lower my barrier and try to trust others a little more again.













my birthday wishes: *i'm a really greedy person haha!*

1. to become a better person
2. to remain true to myself
3. for those whom i love to be happy
4. for me to be able to step out from the shadows of the past
5. to be able to get the scholarship to go overseas with all expenses paid for XD
6. for my results to be pulled up significantly
7. and most importantly, for me to be happy.

i shall not let go of my own happiness again. ^^













強気も本気
無敵　素敵
元気　勇気



チンユー、頑張ってね！

整夜辗转难眠。心里总是感到不安。

我为什么要帮你们呢？干吗要做你们的帮凶？第一，这根本就不是件好事。第二，事情也没难道一定需要帮凶；这样对其他的人一点也不公平。那为什么我还要帮你们？那时候就应该说不。

就算你们真的需要帮忙，我可以在那之前帮你们，在那当儿时，就应该个凭实力。

如果你们因为这样而不再理我，那也随便你们。我认为最重要的是对得起自己的良心，就算是尚不能有良心当饭吃，至少我对得起自己。这比交到朋友来的重要吧。

况且，我也很想靠自己的实力来得到认可，所以如果你们要犯错，请不要也让我犯错。请不要再叫我做这种事情了。













虽然我知道你是出自一片好意，但请你也不要再叫我做我不愿意做的事了。有些时候给你念到真的好烦。

eeks.

my stomach feels terrible. =S hope i'll get well soon...