no matter how pretty it looks, it doesn't matter if it is rotten inside.

it sure is hard to draw a picture and get it onto my computer using just a camera.




it felt as though the dementors had paid me a visit earlier.
i guess it's really hard to stay cheerful.
i'm sorry. maybe i'm just not that good enough.

goodbye ice and snow!

welcome smiles and sunshine!!! ^^

ダリア
アンジェラ・アキ

初めて愛した人は　なかなか忘れられない
庭に咲いているダリア見て思い出すの
あの頃は初々しく　二人とも背伸びをして
大人ぶった約束を口にしていた

夜遅くてもあなたの帰り　起きて待っていた
どんな小さな出来事さえも　報告していた

「花言葉が『優雅』だから君に似合うよ」って
あなたは赤いダリア買ってくれたね
何もない部屋の中で咲き誇るダリアは
二人の愛を彩るシンボルだった

初めて嘘つかれた日　なかなか立ち直れなくて
赤いダリアの花びら　少しちぎった

あなたが描く理想の人に　私はなれなくて
他の誰かに二人の未来　奪われたけれど

花言葉が『移り気』だと知っていたならば
心を守る事ができただろうか
「僕にはもう無理だ」とあなたはつぶやいた
二人の愛が壊れる瞬間だった

ララ　ダリア　ララ　ダリア

荷物をまとめ　飛び出してから　振り返らずに来た
年を重ねて　傷の痛みがなくなった今も

「花言葉が『優雅』だから君に似合うよ」って
あなたの声がたまに聞こえてくるの
この世界のどこかであなたは暮らしている
私の事もたまに思い出すのかな

花言葉が何であろうと　ダリアはずっと
二人の愛を彩る思い出の花
最初の愛を彩る思い出の花

ララ　ダリア　ララ　ダリア

初めて愛した人は　なかなか忘れられない
庭に咲いているダリア見て思い出すの

thanks for today, i had loads of fun!


poor mermaid (face blurred) that's stranded on the beach... lolx!













i pray that things would go smoothly for you tomorrow! ^^

20th century boys was such a wonderful manga! its plot is so intruiging, and at the end of every chapter u'll want to read on what happens next. the themes running through the story is so... unique. although this story talks about futuristic japan and the things (albeit horrible) that happened in the future, there is always the theme of the 60s, rock, "old" manga etc. that's pretty weird imo, but totally cool in its own way.

the artwork was fabulous! every detail drawn in each frame was so cool. i particularly remembered one scene where they showed someone telling something horrendous to chouno and otcho, where chouno was totally stunned, but otcho remained calm. however the next statement this person said, that kanna was still alive, totally stunned otcho. i thought that was... amazing. every drawing was so detailed that i felt i had been to the places kenji and friends had been to.

a major theme underlying the entire plot was about being unable to let go. one of the characters followed "friend" because him had not being given the attention he craved as a child, and while "friend" staged all the evil world domination and destruction of humanity due to how he had been wronged in the past and how others had not given him attention too when he was a child.

as children, we might not have thought about the impact of our actions on others, and might have done something cruel to others but in our eyes we don't see it as being "evil". the evil bullies of kenji's childhood thought they were playing with kenji's group when they were children! i guess memories gets warped with time, we only remember those we want to remember...

hate arises because we are unable to let go and forgive. if the young "friend" or his followers had been able to come to the concensus (which seemed impossible since they were merely kids then) or had seen the bigger picture, this hate might not have escalated to pushing humanity to the brink of extinction.













i had a dream again... i dreamt of the person i hated most. i dreamt that i was friends with him, studying together in the same room, doing homework together with him and my friends. it felt... so peaceful. and for once i was happy. but i wonder... is this a sign that i have come to consensus within myself, to have unravelled the tight knot deep in my heart and to have let go? but then again, this scenario would probably never happen in reality.













there is no way to defeat despair. the only way to overcome it... is to keep on walking.

i wish i had done this back then.

do you have anybody that you hate in your life?

sadly, i guess i have a few. well. a few that i dislike maybe. ok there's one, who betrayed my trust wayyy back in the past, but i guess i've come to consensus with that. i guess i understood why it happened, though i was hurt, but i guess i have already forgiven her. i can't say that when i hear news from her i'll wish her well, but i will be nonchalant and just take in the information...

however, there is one i have absolute strong feelings of disgust. yes, he betrayed my trust too, which was wayyy back in the past too, and i guess i do have a pretty good understanding of why he did it. but whenever i hear news about him, i have this strange strong feelings of anger towards him. sometimes so much to the point i wish i could just make him disappear from my world. or to wish that he's miserable. and the most funny thing is i had absolutely no intention of having such intense feelings of hatred. i wonder why. i would so much prefer to be nonchalant like the previous case...

how can we resolve such feelings of... hate? what is hate?

they say there is only a fine line between love and hatred. i guess it's true to some extent, they are both strong emotions felt with respect to some object or person in general. however, they are emotions from two extremities, and it amazes me how people can switch from one extreme to the other in a short period of time. take for example my relationship with durians. when i was very young (in my secondary school days) i loved durians, i would enjoy eating them with my family almost every weekend! yet, after eating something i loved so frequently, i got really sick of them, and since my jc days, whenever people offer me durian i would turn them down. well even right now, i can't get over my withdrawl from durian though i have not touched it for 6 years... (and there's a durian sitting in my house waiting for me to eat it up...)

well there's one really interesting example. take my relationship with my mum. i would never say i adore her. but there are times i really do hate her. which is really funny cos one moment i chat with her like she's my close friend and the other moment i'll want to scream her down the road and not want to have any relations with her at all. and sometimes i'll be indifferent to what happens to her too.

this being said though, i do not enjoy such feelings of hatred. i hate it when i get upset because of such feelings towards someone that results in me acting in ways i ususally don't. as such i wish to seek reconcilation, but i have no idea how to do that.

they say time heals all wounds too and feelings fade with time. however 6 years... of my durian relationship and i could not resolve it. 5 years with that particular person i hate, and those feelings are still strong. erms... 23 years with my mum and... ok i still have very bad mood swing when she's around. opps. i really don't mean it, but definitely it seems in these cases feelings do not fade with time. haha~

i read my chat log with my friend 3 years ago by accident today. it was amazing, i didn't knew i could say such philosophical things... about life, about our world and society... but looking at the things i say or do or even think now... they're so... mundane. i've become more financially independent, saw more of the world, experienced more joy and heartbreak... so what? instead of giving more things thought and gaining my own perspective of the world, i have become more and more drawn to my own personal problems, taking in information and not going the extra mile to process them.

even now, i'm still looking at my inner self instead of giving attention to things beyond my personal needs and boundaries.

perhaps, in order to go beyond our own boundaries, we need to first satisfy our own needs. once we have satisfied the basic physiological, safety, love/belonging, and esteem needs, (of the Maslow's hierarchy of needs) before we can even talk about morality and etc. could it be that i have unfulfilled needs from the lower levels of the hierarchy, causing me to have left out the satisfaction of higher level moral and creativity needs?

then again, maybe this is all an excuse.