pls dun pry into my heart.
i don't want you to have a totally changed opinion of me.
i know u're concerned about me.
but now is probably not the right time for me to tell you.
all i can say is...
sorry.
and thanks kt for giving me strength too.
jiayou qing yu ^^

hi my best friend...

why do you keep coming back to company me when nobody else is around?
i don't need your company.
i don't need your pity.
i don't need anybody's pity.

are you something that i have to learn how to conquer someday?
didn't i conquer you back then 2 years ago?

i can try to chase you away.
i can fill the entire room with music and games.
but in the end,
you simply refuse to budge from the depths of my heart.

is there some sort of antidote or some sort of poison
so that i can get rid of u once and for all?
sadly even if the antidote or poison was taken,
the very next moment i stop taking it
u come back alive and kicking,
and even stronger than before.

i hate you.
but i can't help but to live together with you.
is this hatred mutual?
does it even matter?

let us be nice and friendly to each other.
pls try not to overwhelm me
not only late into the night,
but at this very moment too.

为什么人的一生必须经历痛苦呢？
难道就没有办法避免伤痛？
再怎么想尽办法加以呵护，
最终还是无法避免。。。

痛苦是为了使自己变得更坚强。
雨后会出现彩虹。
所以请你继续加油！
不要放弃！
我会在你背后默默的支持你。














such nice weather out there... makes me feel like going for a nice sun tan or a swim... ahhhh!

i'm surprised i never posted these lyrics... it's my favourite song since jc1... it's now my sms ringtone... ^^












Eternal Snow
Changin' My Life

君を好きになって　どれくらい経つのかナ？
気持ち　膨らんでゆくばかりで
君は　この思い気付いているのかナ？
一度も言葉には　してないけど

雪のように　ただ静かに
降り積もり　つづけてゆく

Hold me tight　こんな思いなら
誰かを好きになる気持ち
知りたく　なかったよ
I love you　涙止まらない
こんなんじゃ　君のこと
知らずにいれば　良かったよ

君をいつまで　思っているのかナ？
ため息が窓ガラス　曇らせた

揺れる心　灯すキャンドルで
今　溶かして　ゆけないかナ？

Hold me tight　折れるほど強く
木枯らし　吹雪に出会っても
寒くないようにと
I miss you　君を思うたび
編みかけの　このマフラー
今夜も一人　抱きしめるよ

永遠に降る雪があるなら
君へと続くこの思い　隠せるのかナ？

Hold me tight　こんな思いなら
誰かを好きになる気持ち
知りたく　なかったよ
I love you　胸に込み上げる
冬空に叫びたい
今すぐ君に　会いたいよ













is it ok to be so happy? sometimes i wonder if god (if he exists) will take away my feeling of happiness if he sense i'm so happy... it's not like something really good happened to me... but i dunno... feels like some sort of roller coaster ride haha~

people are greedy by nature. i'm afraid i'll become greedy after all the "good" things that happened... i want to immerse myself in all these wonderful things... but can i really do that? what will be ahead in the near future? i'm scared that i'll become greedy, and then all these great things that happened so far would just disappear... haha am i just being ridiculous?

back to what i said before... no matter what happens, just face it bah.
people need a certain level of pain before they can create art pieces of certain substance.
so yes, if pain is coming i welcome you with open arms.
but for now, let me just enjoy happiness.

yet another start of a new day.
start of yet another day that i must go through alone.

don't run away from it anymore.
jiayou qy!

i feel pretty guilty for having the thought of prematurely quitting work.
no matter how tough things are, hang in there!
even if it's unbearable... it's for the sake of money yah?
jiayous.

i hate it when the night falls...
i hate myself for faltering.
i hate it when my body isn't feeling well...
なかないで。ねえ~
i wish i'm stronger...
i will be stronger.
i am stronger.

it doesn't matter anymore right?

hang in there... u'll make it.

jiayou qy...

i hate it when i feel unwell... stupid stomachache...

but to look on the brighter side of life...

darling psp! here i come!!! ^^

muahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

i finally got my psp! woohoo~~

now the only problem is... what nice games are there for me to play... hehes!













思考完毕。
加油庆瑜！

不见了。
飞走了。
悬挂在半空的心像断了线的风筝
消失在无边无际的天空里。。。





这样也好。
这样我就不会了解心痛是什么。
也不会想要封闭自己、或有自杀念头。
我撑得住吗？





只能说。。。命运爱作弄人。
虽然回忆还是美的，
最终还是得回到原点。
不是我不明白，
我想我比任何人都明白吧。
所以只能嘲笑自己的天真。

只能祈求
以前的事情不会再发生。
千万不要让三年前的事再发生。
我还有多少个三年？
请不要再封闭自己。
请学习如何放手。
请不要再逃避。
请不要寻死。

别再伤害自己。
不要过于自责。
谁都没有错！
请记得当初最美的梦，
不要沉浸在失落当中。
外面的天空还是那么美丽。
大雨过后还是会出现彩虹。
直到那时，请继续好好活下去。













我的心情就像收音机现在所播的歌一样。

不痛。

就让我带着我的骄傲高飞远走。

加油 何庆瑜！

it feels so empty.
it's like i'm talking to people now... but why does it still feel empty inside?
all meaningless talk... though it's not like i don't like those that's talking to me now...
but still...


多希望能把心挖出来。
这样就不会有任何感觉。
有时会问自己，干吗要做这种事？
我的尊严在哪里？
可是回过头来，
我究竟放得下吗？
舍得放下吗？
或许我需要多一点时间好好想一想
最重要的或许不只是别人的快乐。
或许我也得维持自己活着的尊严。



had another tiring day at work... i never thought people could be so unfriendly when it deals with their livelihood... heard people quarreling over their overdue pay... though i understand the procedure accounts side have to undergo before they can release payment to the workers, but sometimes the workers really need the money desperately...

i know all these, but i'm still stunned at the way people argue to get their way...

maybe i just need to harden myself more and be tougher to this kind of hostility bahs.

我不要再做便利贴女孩。
我要为自己而活。
我要抓住自己的每一份每一秒，
抓住自己的快乐。
（只要它不是建立在被人的痛苦上）
但痛苦，却是无所不在，生活中难免的。
每天都有人伤害他人，受到伤害。
我也该学习如何放开对自己的约束吗？













过去的我实在太没有尊严了。
昨天与好友谈过后我才恍然大悟。
何必抓着过去不放？
人家明明拼命把我甩开，
我却跪在地上紧抓着他的裤脚，
不肯放手。
我的尊严跑到哪？

不要再做便利贴女孩了，
要懂得为自己而活。
人家不断伤害自己，
难道就一声不吭继续让人家伤害吗？

过去的伤害就不提了。
现在就不要再让他人伤害自己的心。













我最想要的东西又是什么呢？
我希望大家都能快乐幸福，自己也能一样。
但这些小心愿往往都是相冲的。
此时，他人的幸福比自己的重要吗？
为什么要牺牲自己的幸福成全别人？

有些时候要往更广的方面去想。
有时自私会让更多人受伤害。
所以我会选择别人幸福。
至少这样只有自己难受。

可是不！我知道这样是不对的。
为什么要让自己受委屈？

我也不知道。
或许就是因为我就是我。
或许有一天我能改变自己的想法，
解开自己对自己的约束。。。













我希望大家都会快乐。
这也包括你在内。
我们大家都要加油！
好好想清楚如何守护对我们最重要的东西。
不必在乎他人的想法。
everybody is for themselves.
长久下去没有人会记得当初谁对谁错。
最重要的还是对得起自己吧。
还有自己的快乐要自己争取。
好好想想什么才是最重要的吧。
不论未来怎么样，
大家最终都会尊重彼此的选择。

加油加油加油！

just when i thought i had cleared the mess in my head, another was on the way.

i knew i had to face it sooner or later probably. but maybe i just didn't want to face it today after all the big decisions i decided to make.

i don't know if i should reject you straight in the face. if things didn't happen i wouldn't... but right now, i'm afraid if i didn't reject you, i'll probably be making use of you. but listening to you talk about things so enthusiastically, i didn't want to dampen your spirits. afterall, we haven't been able to talk like that for half a year.

why is life so damn complicated?













冷静冷静。

after bathing, the result is clear.
still the same.
sit back and observe.

jiayou qing yu.

我的快乐
歌手：锦绣二重唱

爱了坏了走了 错了哭了痛了
累了倦了哭了 烦的乱的冷的 都是真的

疯的想的念的 不安的焦虑的
浮躁的梦过的 拥有的失去的 怎么忘呢

你坐过的沙发困了 你爱的音乐停了
我等着你等成了摆设

我的你的他的 好的坏的难的
灰的蓝的黄的 酸的苦的甜的 都还记得

非常想要忘的 绝对不能忘的
我想要还你的 真得不想要了 只得封了

环岛的火车 载着我第几天了
忽然发现这一刻我不想你了

我的快乐 会回来的
只要清楚曾爱得那么深刻 不追问值不值得
我的快乐 会回来的
离开不是谁给了谁的选择
（离开不是你给了我的选择）














haha disclaimer : this song is not a reflection of my feelings ^^

i want to sing! and 锦绣二重唱 is like so damn zai!!!! TTnTT i wanna sing as well as they do! haha ^^

i couldn't sleep well last night. maybe there was just too many thoughts swimming in my subconscious that i couldn't rest properly bahh...












每个人都有追求幸福的权力吧。看到我身旁的好友终于交到男友，真是替她们感到高兴。^^看他们都那么努力，我衷心地祈求她们幸福。

那我呢？我的幸福在哪里呢？

或许，幸福根本就不属于我。^^

但我却还想抓住这个幸福的感觉，就算是痛苦也无所谓。













我不想成为别人的困扰，也不希望他们担心。
答应过你们的事，我会尽力去做。
我不会哭，因为我答应过你们我会快乐。
就算痛苦我也会用笑脸去迎接。
我衷心地祝福你们得到自己的幸福。
并祈求上天能让我守护他们的幸福。

我现在的心非常平静。
我明白有些事该划清界限。
之前一直分不清，所带给你的困扰我非常抱歉。
（虽然我知道你不希望我说对不起）
我想制造美丽的回忆，不想带给彼此痛苦。
所以我会慢慢调试我的心，不要为难你。
希望我们都能找到属于我们的幸福！
加油 何庆瑜！你也要加油喔！













不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有。
don't think so much, just live for the moment bah.
(opps that's like so anticlimax and off... haha!)

i never thought i'll have to face it again.
i thought i had already conquered it.
never did i know it was already back,
slowly eating into the depths of my heart.













there are so many things i wanna pen down... but somehow i'm speechless wordless at the moment.

i hate it when i'm alone with my thoughts. they tend to wander and become irritatingly pessimistic when i'm trying to keep myself afloat... should i give up? should i cling onto some hope? these thoughts shouldn't exist in me now... or so i hoped. yet when i was left alone for an hour or so these thoughts just invaded my conscious... and i hate it. didn't i promise not to give up so easily? could i choose not to give up so easily in my current circumstances?

i was so happy moments ago. i was happy with my new possessions... 2 pairs of shoes (finally!) and like 20 manga books... all to help me kill time and stop me from thinking too much. in the end? haha sometimes it feels like mockery.

pls dun give up. 加油 何庆瑜！













work starting in about an hour's time... wish me luck! ^^

感觉。。。好遥远。

明明将会是两个不同世界的人，
却想设法让两个世界有相碰。
或许根本就不该强求？
就让彼此越飘越远。。。













i guess i'm just being troubled by the immense possibilities our future might have for us... be it happiness or sorrow. the future is something so... unpredictable. it's like a path ahead that's shrouded in darkness...

i can pretend to be optimistic... i can promise that we'll meet after everything's over. but i may not keep my promise. deep down that cynical and negative thought that we're fundamentally 2 totally different people still exists despite how much i try to hide... there's nothing wrong with being different, it's more like we exist in totally different worlds... why bother so hard to try to come together then? i feel i shouldn't be selfish to try bend u to enter my world isn't it...

i suppose the coward in me just refuses to go...

i dunno how to feel right now... am i happy? or sad? i shouldn't be expecting anything right? will we still keep in contact after all this? will we exist in each other's future? should i even be hopeful about that?

maybe i shouldn't. expectations give rise to disappointment when hopes are dashed. but i suppose we're all humans, with a certain weakness in our hearts *oh well i suppose i do have a lot of weakness in my heart haha* if possible, i would like to cling onto even a glimmer of hope i suppose. it feels stupid imo atm... =X













there are just so many things that i want to learn. like how to be better at presentations, how to manage my time properly, how to control my emotions better, how to mask my feelings better, how to be a better host to others, how to open myself up more, how to handle fatigue and so much more. but i wonder if i'm just being too greedy to want to know all these skills...

i wish i could be someone better at handling responsibilities too... and i wish i could smile more instead of trapping myself in the depths of my mind. can i really do that? do i have the strength in my character to achieve that?

to a certain extent i wish i could be more tolerant too. and to be someone that doesn't bring trouble to others.

too many things, too little time to learn. i feel like i've already been left behind by the rest who had not shut themselves up like i did for 2-3 years or so... would i be able to catch up with them?













haha enough emo-ing for the night le bah... =X

我从头到尾都不能、也不可以有所期待。
所以只能时时刻刻地提醒自己要懂得知足。













no expectations = no disappointment. actually i don't even know wad's wrong with me... it's not like i'm expecting anything but yet i'd still feel... not good... when it happens. i wonder what this means... haha!

learn to take things in ur stride bah qy...

am currently very tired due to overnight ktv yesterday plus school n pain ball session n company dinner... at the company dinner we agreed unanimously that the most important skills at workplace was people and communication skills... and i think after my 6 months here in shanghai, i have yet to know them yet! jialats how??? lol. i wonder if there's someway for me to learn it proper... =X

presentation tomorrow! but too tired now to do anything... just feel like stoning and rotting... and opening up my bottle of alcohol in my fridge right now...

thankies dear... u never fail to make me laugh ^^

but i wonder... if i was able to make you laugh with my emails! i hope i do... =))

i miss u gals loads...

如果有一天你遇到困难，而我不在你身旁支持你鼓励你，
我不是故意的。

那或许只是流星的本性，无法一直待在你身旁，
因为它总是来无踪去无影。













hangzhou trip was fun! but it left me thinking a lot cos of what edwin said to me on our train trip back...

now that i have some time alone, it's time to think deep about what i want to be. and who i want to be. the me before all the shit happened, or the me right now. or maybe somewhere in between...

to go back to the me before meant recognizing the fact that there are still people that can be trusted in the world... there's nothing wrong with that, it just meant i was really unlucky to have met those whom i placed my trust in the wrong hands for so many times. can people really be trusted? afterall, everybody's for themselves... who knows when they'll turn around and backstab others when an advantage is placed in front of their eyes if they did that... if there's nothing wrong trusting others, then why did all those things happen in the first place? does it then mean i was too gullible to believe in others, to let myself be made use of by others? then in that case, wouldn't it be easier if i stick to the me now, to stop believing in others and stand alone, and not to seek help from others?

but no, being the current me is painful too. there are definitely people worth trusting i hope... but it's so hard to let go of your fears and suspicion isn't it... fear that you made the wrong "judgment" on the person whom you thought you could trust. fear of being backstabbed by those you love and care about... if i were to open myself up now and get involved in this kind of incidents again, i can't tell whether i'll still be able to stand up and face the world for the rest of my life... ok maybe that sounds really dramatic, but i guess i might not be able to handle it on my own anymore...

i stopped crying... but i didn't realize i did collapse (despite how i tried to act normal and stuff) after all the things that piled up in my heart for so many years... i didn't realize this until that talk with edwin n co... i tot i was pretty ok handling those matters myself, by shutting myself from the rest of the world... in the end it was more like self hurt... i think i might have mentioned this before... while i condemn those who cut and hurt themselves physically as a form of release and escape when they meet with difficulties, i myself constantly hurt and injure my heart and soul... first by denying myself of the right to seek happiness... so i stopped eating the food i loved like ice cream n stuff... i stopped laughing and smiling... sounds lame right? and then i shun away from the company of people i loved... hurting both them and myself in the process... i know all these but still i went on despite the fact how i didn't want to hurt anybody at all... so in the end i was probably more hurt than anyone... haha i dun think anybody would believe that bah!

i know i'm too gullible... too soft-hearted too naive... that's y i shut myself from the world and refused to listen to what the external world has to tell me... it goes against my nature... goes against my fear of loneliness... so by shutting myself away i "conquered" my fear of being alone... and i avoided my fear of being hurt by others. but this is all wrong isn't it? it seems more like just running away from the crux of the problem...

which idiot would expose their own weaknesses for others to exploit? me. so i'm at fault for letting others know my weakness so they can exploit isn't it. this goes back to the idea of opening up or shutting myself in... maybe i'm not a person who can keep a lot of secrets about myself, except those really dark secrets bah! so i would blurt out my own weaknesses... i don't know... if this is a good or bad point about myself...

haha it's an irony... edwin asked me so who is it that i love right now? i replied, the person i love most is myself, cos this is my way of protecting myself. but then again, do i really love myself? i can't accept myself for who i am currently or in the past. i can only see all my bad points and right now i suppress my so called "good" points. this makes me someone with absolutely no plus points, but only bad points. i keep thinking... if this is the case, since i have so many bad points and no good points, others wouldn't think of coming to take advantage of me, cos they can't stand being around me bah! but then again this is self inflicted pain on my part... cos i'm not the real me?

haha then what is the true me?

after going one big round... we're back at square one.

i can't say i can trust people easily now... there's still a certain level of mistrust within me, but once i get the impression that i can trust that person, i'll give that person almost 100% of trust. which is probably stupid, since impressions might not be accurate according to past experience. crux of problem lies with judging how much to open to others bah... i feel that since i came to shanghai, i smiled more and opened myself a little bit more... but only to those i met here at gip... i still can't throw away that mistrust i have towards those i already know... on one hand, it's like... why should i throw away that feeling of mistrust since it's already there and it can protect myself from possible hurt? on the other hand i'm like trying to convince myself... it's ok, although they might hurt you in the future, it's going to be alright. but the fear of getting hurt steps in and i get stuck in the former mindset.

i so wanted to just disappear quietly after the entire gip trip... haha. but sadly, there are those people who i managed to let them step into my life i suppose... should i leave them after i go back? haha... back to square one... back to all those shitty decisions i made before. painful decisions har? lol~ no... i'm telling myself no, i shouldn't do that... but what for? we're only close at this point in time cos we're all alone in a distant land away from home... once we go back we'll be back in our lives before we came to shanghai... back to lives without each other isn't it. i shouldn't be selfish as to disturb their lives isn't it... haha~

that's such a selfish thought. relationships take 2 hands to clap. if you abandon the friend when he/she didn't do so, the other party would be hurt... and it's like you never asked for their opinion on this issue... it's so one-sided. and i hate one-sided r/s isn't it. shouldn't u stay by the friend unless they choose to abandon first or something? at least you tried to keep the friendship alive...

but then again... what for? why try so hard? sometimes things might be meant to be so... and while u try hard to keep the friendship, the other party might just want to terminate the friendship contract (in elton's words haha)... or the other party simply stays in the friendship hoping that he/she can gain something out of it... like asking for academic favours n stuff...

aha. mistrust coming out again le hor... tsk tsk tsk...

i do want to trust people again, i really do! but it's really hard to throw away your past isn't it...

and this is the kind of stuff that can't be resolved by just crying it out.