merry christmas~~~ :D

finally... it's christmas... :D merry christmas, everyone~~~ :D

i feel so blessed todae... gave out presents to my family members, which seemed quite unlike me, cos last time we dun give presents to each other within the family... :D seeing them smile.. i feel so happy and glad tt i did give them presents.. though my presents are "cheap", but i really hope they like it.. :D

den.. went to study wif zhanxin and shian chi... really feel blessed to be able to see them on christmas, and to be able to spend time wif them... gave them candy cane and chocolate... though zhanxin din like sweets, but still he ate up the candy cane in front of me... really sorry for buying something he din like for his present.. but wad he did really touched me... thankx. and paiseh....

halfway through the "study group" at kap, i left the two of them and went for "family outing" wif my family... tot i was going to have a lunch feast, but i ended up spending my 3 hours there shopping... like crazy... hahas.. diao.... spend so much money... hehes...

after tt, went back to kap to study.... den after studying for 2 hours, left kap for home... it's drizzling... but i feel warm inside me, cos i know i'm being loved by my friends, by my family... :D it's really a happy dae for me... :D hope tt every dae can b something liddat too.. :D cos i wanna see the pple i love ard me smile...

merry christmas, everyone... :D

m| sh| dE x|aO m|aN yAnG...

hahas.. long time nv post here liaoz..

these few days.... some pple say tt i look sad... well.. actually.. it's pansy and weixiang.. they said tt i looked sad.. when i wasn't feeling sad at all... how furnie.. hahas... den i went to ask junyi how i looked for the past few days.. he said i look lost... like i've lost my goal in life... i think this is quite true... unfortunately... hahas...

feel like i'm a lost sheep... bumping my way around... wonder whether it's becoz of tt guy... hope not... but i really dunno... sighz.. these few days.. not happy but not sad either... sometimes i really wanna cry.. but i juz can't form the tears in my eyes... laugh... junyi said tt when i laff he could tell tt i wasn't laffing from the bottom of my heart... arrgh... i really dunno wad to do...

maybe it's time i set myself a goal... and stop feeling lost... but wad goal would keep me focused? izzit studies? short term goal maybe... but wad abt long term? sighz... ask me to choose a path... i wun even noe wad paths r b4 me.. hahas... sotong jiu shi sotong mahz.. hahas..

dunno y ar... todae... tt person wif 10 letter name was so weird... pple say he got pms.. hahas... after our practice at around 7, he started to chase everybody in the mph away, without making a sound... he switched off the lights, locked the door and went off liddat with many pple still practising inside... knowing tt pple can still unlock the doors from the inside... wonder wad's wrong wif him.. probably it's cos of the practice with his solo song earlier... this makes me more curious as to the things tt happened with regards to him when he was back in hc.. hahas... me very kaypo ar... :P

sometimes i really question myself... y did i join the practices after my concert? y did i tie myself to this "commitment" which i dun feel committed to? i feel like i dun really noe the pple there... feel kinda distant from the pple at alumni co... sometimes i really hate myself for being so thick skinned to join a co with guys as the majority... hahas.. watashi wa baka desu...

sHoULd | LeT gO oF mYsELf?

hahas... todae went for ccy camp.. supposed to be doing cip work and stuff.. hahas.. dunno y ar... in the end we played games the whole dae.. hahas....

todae.. learnt quite some stuff during a talk which i would usually have branded it as boring.... learn tt we muz acknowledge other's talents as well as our own... every child is gifted... this helps me build a little self confidence...

oso... keep giving... though we might have setbacks such as mistakes we could have commited, sickness or some other stuff... we should use these as motivation to make us continue giving... and most importantly... to learn to give... even when it hurts.. den continue giving more... :D

i think this is the most important i learnt todae.... cos... i've been feeling really tired nowadays... really started doubting the reasons behind wad i'm doing now.... wonder if i'm being too nice until i'm bullied and i dunno ... and wonder if it's easier for me to be not so nice.. to juz ignore other pple's feelings and stuff... sometimes... giving... hurts... even now... i still feel a little hurt when i try to give... maybe to a certain extent.. please the pple ard me.. hahas... really feel tired... juz feel like stopping.. but this talk gave me to motivation to move on with a renewed vigour...

another important thing which set me thinking during the talk was the thing of letting go of our consciousness... we dun give others or give really little to others because of our fear of being ridiculed... of being rejected and stuff... and so... in this case... if we feel hurt when giving to others... we should maybe let go of ourselves.. or look at things from the bigger picture... maybe i should do that... though i noe it'll hurt for me to do this... because i dunno wad's the implications of me letting go of my consciousness... but perhaps it'll be a little easier on my part... i dunno... the future is full of uncertainty bah.... hahas...

had much fun in this camp.... todae... though played games ... den ended up really dirty and stuff... but got to know more pple... kinda look forward to doing cip tomoloz.. hahas.. dunno when i'm so enthu abt this.. hehes... the structural lunch and stuff.. hahas... :P

after our camp... all dirty and stuff.. i went to clean up... went for dinner.. den went to study for sat... this is the time when i really tried to apply wad i learnt during the talk todae... cos as i tried to "give" to my two friends studying wif me... i noe i'm being silly... doing something which is totally not required on my part... there's no need for me to do tt.. and by doing so i'm in a sense being bullied and stuff... but... in the end i still gave them a free drink.. hahas.. actually.. coming to think of it.. it's such a small matter... but dun understand y i'll feeling so "hurt" abt simply giving such a small "treat"... hahas...

should i let go of myself? this is the question tt i really wonder now... a while ago.. i was feeling hurt cos of relationship stuff... now i seem to be facing tt feeling everyday cos i'm practically thinking abt it so often... if i let go of myself... i would probably feel less pain... but would tt mean i would sink further in? i really dunno... really unsure of wad this "choice" would probably lead to...

really look forward to the paint job tomoloz.. :D

sorry for this terribly late post... THANKX~ to everyone who went for the klass bbq...

hahas... sorry abt this ar... so busy until i keep forgeting to thank all u guys... know tt i should tell ur straight face to face but scared i'll forget again.. hahas.. sotong jiu shi sotong mahz... so.. juz wanna say a big..

THANK YOU~~

to pple like weixiang who helped booked the bbq pit... to shian chi who helped out wif bbqing the food while others were pigging out (including me.. hahas.. guilty look... :P) to wendy who helped to marinate the chicken wings and to organise the whole event... to xiaoli who went to help us order the cake... to zhanxin who helped to bring the radio... and to every one who came.. :D especially junyi... :D hahas.. see? i din trick u into coming ar... if u dun come u'll really regret.. hehes.. and thankx to junyi oso for waiting for me tt dae.. hahas.. sorry for making u wait until so late... wanted to go off at 9.15.... in the end drag until so damn late.. paiseh paiseh....

hope u guys had loads of fun at the bbq... i really enjoyed it myself tt dae.. hope u guys did so too~~ hahas... :D

wAd aM | dO|nG?

dun understand wassup wif me... these few daes.... juz feel tt i'm not in a terribly good mood... like i'm not totally "myself"... get irritated easily... feel really tired and sick....

juz yesterdae... i did quite a few things which i dun understand y i did them... coming to think of it... i felt tt i shouldn't have done so.... dun understand y i am not in the "right" frame of mind.... going abt showing others impatience and stuff... the usual me would probably not be so easily irritated and get impatient....

the more i think of stuff... the more confused i am.... dunno wad i'm doing.... feeling lost.... lost in my thoughts probably... thinking of so many things... most of the time thinking of one person though... sad life... but not happy thoughts... i think i'm becoming more and more irrational... hahas.... is this bad? i think so.... hahas...

dun understand... y i'm doing stuff which would probably make others unhappy... and dun understand y i'm doing stuff which would also upset myself... dunno whether i should be happy... sad... upset... or joyous.... disappointed... relieved or anything.... feel like i'm floating again... lost probably... looking for something probably... but i dunno wad it is... hahas...

wad is the real me? izzit the one who always go around laffing her head off... self entertaining herself... trying to bring joy to others..... or izzit the one who's always so deep in thought.... the pessimist... or izzit the impatient one.... rash and impulsive... maybe all these are part of me... the different sides of me... but which one is my true self? sometimes... i'm really tired... others keep saying tt i'm such a nice person... but... am i really tt nice? really tired now.... tired of being the nice person or so they say... sometimes wonder... wad if i decide to be a baddie now... hahas.. wonder wad would happen...

|t'S f|naLLy oVeR~~~

wah.. finally my erhu exam is over~~~ yays~~~ :D really worked hard for this dae.. hahas...

hmms. dunno whether i'll b able to pass this exam... heard from my sis tt the examiners were laffing halfway through the exam.. dunno whether laffing at how pathetic i'm playing my songs or wad.. or maybe i look furnie.. hahas... or .. maybe i really look hilarious.. hahas...

now tt it's finally over... really wanna slack like hell... hahas... but the thought tt i'm going to stop my lessons makes me sad... dunno y.. hahas... erhu my lao gong mah.... hahas.... :P