如果有一天你遇到困难,而我不在你身旁支持你鼓励你,
我不是故意的。
那或许只是流星的本性,无法一直待在你身旁,
因为它总是来无踪去无影。
hangzhou trip was fun! but it left me thinking a lot cos of what edwin said to me on our train trip back...
now that i have some time alone, it's time to think deep about what i want to be. and who i want to be. the me before all the shit happened, or the me right now. or maybe somewhere in between...
to go back to the me before meant recognizing the fact that there are still people that can be trusted in the world... there's nothing wrong with that, it just meant i was really unlucky to have met those whom i placed my trust in the wrong hands for so many times. can people really be trusted? afterall, everybody's for themselves... who knows when they'll turn around and backstab others when an advantage is placed in front of their eyes if they did that... if there's nothing wrong trusting others, then why did all those things happen in the first place? does it then mean i was too gullible to believe in others, to let myself be made use of by others? then in that case, wouldn't it be easier if i stick to the me now, to stop believing in others and stand alone, and not to seek help from others?
but no, being the current me is painful too. there are definitely people worth trusting i hope... but it's so hard to let go of your fears and suspicion isn't it... fear that you made the wrong "judgment" on the person whom you thought you could trust. fear of being backstabbed by those you love and care about... if i were to open myself up now and get involved in this kind of incidents again, i can't tell whether i'll still be able to stand up and face the world for the rest of my life... ok maybe that sounds really dramatic, but i guess i might not be able to handle it on my own anymore...
i stopped crying... but i didn't realize i did collapse (despite how i tried to act normal and stuff) after all the things that piled up in my heart for so many years... i didn't realize this until that talk with edwin n co... i tot i was pretty ok handling those matters myself, by shutting myself from the rest of the world... in the end it was more like self hurt... i think i might have mentioned this before... while i condemn those who cut and hurt themselves physically as a form of release and escape when they meet with difficulties, i myself constantly hurt and injure my heart and soul... first by denying myself of the right to seek happiness... so i stopped eating the food i loved like ice cream n stuff... i stopped laughing and smiling... sounds lame right? and then i shun away from the company of people i loved... hurting both them and myself in the process... i know all these but still i went on despite the fact how i didn't want to hurt anybody at all... so in the end i was probably more hurt than anyone... haha i dun think anybody would believe that bah!
i know i'm too gullible... too soft-hearted too naive... that's y i shut myself from the world and refused to listen to what the external world has to tell me... it goes against my nature... goes against my fear of loneliness... so by shutting myself away i "conquered" my fear of being alone... and i avoided my fear of being hurt by others. but this is all wrong isn't it? it seems more like just running away from the crux of the problem...
which idiot would expose their own weaknesses for others to exploit? me. so i'm at fault for letting others know my weakness so they can exploit isn't it. this goes back to the idea of opening up or shutting myself in... maybe i'm not a person who can keep a lot of secrets about myself, except those really dark secrets bah! so i would blurt out my own weaknesses... i don't know... if this is a good or bad point about myself...
haha it's an irony... edwin asked me so who is it that i love right now? i replied, the person i love most is myself, cos this is my way of protecting myself. but then again, do i really love myself? i can't accept myself for who i am currently or in the past. i can only see all my bad points and right now i suppress my so called "good" points. this makes me someone with absolutely no plus points, but only bad points. i keep thinking... if this is the case, since i have so many bad points and no good points, others wouldn't think of coming to take advantage of me, cos they can't stand being around me bah! but then again this is self inflicted pain on my part... cos i'm not the real me?
haha then what is the true me?
after going one big round... we're back at square one.
i can't say i can trust people easily now... there's still a certain level of mistrust within me, but once i get the impression that i can trust that person, i'll give that person almost 100% of trust. which is probably stupid, since impressions might not be accurate according to past experience. crux of problem lies with judging how much to open to others bah... i feel that since i came to shanghai, i smiled more and opened myself a little bit more... but only to those i met here at gip... i still can't throw away that mistrust i have towards those i already know... on one hand, it's like... why should i throw away that feeling of mistrust since it's already there and it can protect myself from possible hurt? on the other hand i'm like trying to convince myself... it's ok, although they might hurt you in the future, it's going to be alright. but the fear of getting hurt steps in and i get stuck in the former mindset.
i so wanted to just disappear quietly after the entire gip trip... haha. but sadly, there are those people who i managed to let them step into my life i suppose... should i leave them after i go back? haha... back to square one... back to all those shitty decisions i made before. painful decisions har? lol~ no... i'm telling myself no, i shouldn't do that... but what for? we're only close at this point in time cos we're all alone in a distant land away from home... once we go back we'll be back in our lives before we came to shanghai... back to lives without each other isn't it. i shouldn't be selfish as to disturb their lives isn't it... haha~
that's such a selfish thought. relationships take 2 hands to clap. if you abandon the friend when he/she didn't do so, the other party would be hurt... and it's like you never asked for their opinion on this issue... it's so one-sided. and i hate one-sided r/s isn't it. shouldn't u stay by the friend unless they choose to abandon first or something? at least you tried to keep the friendship alive...
but then again... what for? why try so hard? sometimes things might be meant to be so... and while u try hard to keep the friendship, the other party might just want to terminate the friendship contract (in elton's words haha)... or the other party simply stays in the friendship hoping that he/she can gain something out of it... like asking for academic favours n stuff...
aha. mistrust coming out again le hor... tsk tsk tsk...
i do want to trust people again, i really do! but it's really hard to throw away your past isn't it...
and this is the kind of stuff that can't be resolved by just crying it out.
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