wow! it's finally the last day of the year 2007! and as usual, it's time for the yearly self reflection!

to evaluate how well my year was, i decided to look back at my new year resolutions for 2007 right at the start of the year!

1. lose some weight! *er notice the keyword here is some*

2. improve on my results! *being on the border of 4.5 is making me extremely nervous...*

3. get a job with good pay! i'm poor poor poor...

4. after getting a job, i must save! *yar i spend money like flowing water =(*

5. improve on time management! *my last year was... hectic. -_-*

6. to revert back to my old self =)

7. to seek inner peace *which i think i've acheived last year but i'll put it here again =)*

yups... i'm glad to say... i did lose some weight! i lost like.. 2kg in the last few months... which is threatening to come back to me every now and then... struggling to maintain or even continue to decrease it haha! but other than that... and seeking inner peace (i think i did manage to find my older self and more peaceful self...) i failed all the other resolutions!

well my results for this year isn't that great as i hoped to be... probably cos i was focusing on other stuff like earning money and giving tuition... i was pretty upset with myself for the past few days, because i'm positive i did put in a lot of hard work *or maybe till a few days before the exams haha~ well i have my reasons...* but yet the results wasn't as good as i hoped it to be... my gpa went downhill and i no longer have my 1st class honours... which is a... oh shit situation for me... i felt really disheartened and felt like just giving up my struggle to fight back for my 1st class... but then... haiz~ i'll see wad i can do in the upcoming 2 semesters =)

a lot of things happened this year... i was fined 3k which i paid using my own money... *ouch!* and as a result, i took up 3 tuition kids in the recent semester... which really killed me physically and mentally... i was usually too tired to go out during semester time, and could hardly catch up on my tutorials... but i'm glad to say... i managed to save up 2k in the second half of the year! that hits my goal of earning back my money after i lost it due to some lame incident which i shall not elaborate any further =) i feel really satisfied at this aspect, as well as knowing great people like mark and bobby... but at the expense of my results... so in year 4, i can only take 2 tuitions ok? this is a promise to myself...

other major things that happened to me was... i turned 21! yes! i can watch ra movies finally... *though i haven't watched any yet... opps!* and is it a magic spell or something for people who reached 21? cos things started going uphill for me... in terms of my mood... previously i was so down and depressed of the things that happened in the past... and once i turned 21 i told myself i'll let go... and i think i did... slowly and slowly... i overcame some of these shadows in my heart... so... yays! *applause for self* jiayous qing yu! u will shine even more than you did now and in the past!

and i finally had the courage to venture out of singapore to go to shanghai for my industrial attachment! i self-sourced my means of finance *ahems. scholarship* so i'm quite happy with that... now quite excited and... maybe afraid of my trip there in a few more days... btw i'm leaving on the midnight of 6 jan! eeks~~

some not-so-good thing that i wasn't very happy about myself this year was... in the second half of the year i didn't put in so much effort into studying for japanese... and in the end i went for my jlpt3 exam with totally no confidence that i'll even pass the exam. this is so unlike me... that's something for me to really reflect on... haiz~ but i will study japanese and brush up on it when i'm in shanghai! i even packed my textbooks into my luggage case... hehex =)

now looking at the bright side... happy things that happened to me... i finally had the chance to fulfill my dream of joining a band! even though i only went jamming with them once, and would love to have more opportunities to jam with them... sadly i have to go to shanghai! argh! oh well... some things just have to be given up if you choose to pursue something else bah... =( oh wait. make it a lot of things...

and... i'm really happy to know all the people and friends i've made this year... i feel like i've been under the care of all those around me... and really... thanks everyone who have helped me in one way or another...

overall, i think it has been a really fruitful year for me, physically, mentally, and spiritually... i've learnt to open up myself more... i was still a hermit crab at the start of the year... but in the previous semester i slowly opened up... i really want to thank my friends who helped me realise the great things i'm missing out in life by living in seclusion... ok that makes me sound like some old hag living in a cave up on the mountain... haha! but yeaps... i've gotten closer to my friends who went away in the first half of the year and came back in the second half... physically... i started to jog *only during the exam period* and i think i'm... improving slightly in terms of my physically endurance... hahahaha~~ *ok i know that's a partial lie... i better get back to jogging real soon!* mentally, with all the shit that happens... i learn to look at things in different perspectives... and i really need to keep my cool no matter what happens... cos if i panic... i'll make the wrong decisions and act inappropriately...

alrighty... thankew 2007! onward to 2008! =)

once again... thanks to all my friends and pals who made my 2007 shine... =) and of course the years before as well =)













ps. this is my 490th post on my blog! congrats! ^_^ we've come a really really long way! haha~

all of a sudden, the feeling is back.

will i be forgotten after leaving my friends alone for 6mths away in shanghai?

actually this is some undue worry isn't it? the me from a year ago wouldn't be afraid of this most probably. i was probably confident that i would be remembered. even if i wasn't, i probably wouldn't care. why is this feeling coming and popping by every now and then?

i suppose... we're just afraid to be forgotten by our treasured and loved ones...

i pray... that when i get back... you guys will still treat me as the way u guys treat me now...

and... pls don't forget me.

来不及
歌手：Hebe

今天早上起床脑袋异常痛脸也涨红 是不是昨天晚上做了什么害羞的梦
或许是分红色荷尔蒙在血液中流动 你呼吸 我悸动

警告标语提醒着我们身在不同天空 预设好的伤痛是否能说不碰就不碰
我想犹豫不决比飞蛾扑火还更堕落 冲不冲 痛不痛 理智为爱失踪

来不及 每个脚步已踩着恋爱的节奏
来不及 地球转动不会为谁等候
来不及 回头 检查旧的伤口
如果找借口 想太多 没结果 哭也没用

今天早上起床你是否觉得全身酸痛 是不是我爱上你让你觉得全身紧绷
或许是你太调皮到我梦中随便传动 你挑逗 我失控

警告标语果然不出所料提醒不了我 预设好的伤痛牙一咬有梦就不会痛
我想犹豫不决永远不会是我的作风 疯不疯 痛不痛 就算我犯了错

来不及 脑海早就烙印了你完美轮廓
来不及 赶快捕捉为你放的烟火
来不及 已把狂爱你的冲动变成了享受
我想要解脱 要自由 要冲动

来不及 每个脚步已踩着恋爱的节奏
来不及 地球转动不会为谁等候
来不及 回头 检查旧的伤口
如果找借口 想太多 没结果 哭也没用















Hebe 好棒啊！her lyrics are zai~ and her vocals are still as zai as before~ love S.H.E~ XD

斗牛，要不要 is surprisingly addictive... i spent 1 day to catch up on all 6 episodes available... and i want moar~~~ and the OST is now sitting happily on my table... waiting for me to listen to the cd until the cd dies from overuse... ok that's a bad expression there lol~













时间剩不多，我希望我还来得及。
成绩不太理想，不知道是否还来得及。
即将离开这里那么久，我祈求我来得及。

我想，我从头到尾都不明白自己想要的东西是什么。

是不是我有太多空余的时间，所以才会有时间和心思去胡思乱想呢？明明好好的，越想就觉得我做得不对，必须作适当的解释。有一点对不起对方，因为当时无法给与他一个答复。他是因此在避开我吗？还是我想太多了？应该是我想太多了吧。。。

要是我能将心中的阴影消除，当时我是否就能给他一个正面的答案呢？我自己也不晓得。太多考虑因素在内了，而我们彼此从不正面谈论这些事。起初我想他因该会明白，但我们始终性格与想法不一。我想这一点我们必须沟通沟通吧。但是说不定，已经没有那种美国时间让我们再拖多久了吧。。。

嗨，还是凡事都顺其自然吧。

很久没有再次面对自己的恐惧。我承认。我害怕打针。

听到朋友说打两针非常痛，我差点哭了出来。因为我要打他的两倍！该死的家伙。。。不过后来打针时我努力忍住泪水。所以还好，这样就不会被人笑了。

回到家不禁想起当时打针的情况，我还是会差点就哭出来，但是至少我没哭。我不要让世界再次看到我哭泣。所以打针痛痛我不哭。哇，这样表达的方式。。。听起来很小孩子气吧。。。













上个星期，我参加了南中华乐团的校友会聚餐。好久不见的校舍，是那么熟悉却又是那么陌生。和几位学妹聊了蛮久的，感觉就像我们还在南中时一样，感到非常亲切。我不会想到要去刻意隐满自己，能够放松地与他们交谈。。。这种感觉真好。

与我妹妹一起在广场上欣赏星空，因为那天正好有流星雨。。。可是看了半天，没见到一颗流星。就这样我们在母校里晃啊晃的。。。荡着秋千。。。遥望着同一片星空。。。再过不久我就会飞到上海。。。不知道几时能再像现在一样悠哉游哉的做这种“无聊”的事了。













打字都打到手酸了。下回再聊吧。

somehow... talking with this guy made my walls go up. i don't understand why actually... is it just because i can't fully trust him? i've got no idea...

feeling less depressed now as compared in the morning... though i'm feeling really drained and tired. i seem to see some results of my hard work put in the entire day, so i'm kind of happy now =)

i don't know what i really want. do i want a fulfilling life where i'm so busy i probably don't have the time to stop at all? it feels great when u're always working towards something... but u can't say i want to stop and take a rest here. the situation doesn't allow.

some people might choose to think the opportunity for you to stop and rest can be created. i suppose so, but in my case... i don't want to rest at the expense of the quality of the work i'm doing... so i suppose if i don't get sufficient rest then it's just my fault lmao~~

i don't know if i want things to remain as it is, or for things to cool down. i guess i miss the old times? not as if it's very old either. but i shouldn't do anything isn't it. not when i'm not sure of myself either. i don't know what is it that i truly and really want.

and there's the question of commitment. can i always stay committed to the things i say i would? sometimes i don't know. like for eg. will i be able to participate actively in the band that i just joined? i want to... but i'm going china for the upcoming 6 mths, when i come back i'll be busy with fyp too! so am i stupid to join this heavy external commitment now?

and next... ok lah it's really unrelated. maybe it's all the childish promises we make when we're young and naive. like for eg. a young couple might promise each other to love the other forever. but we know... couples break up easily. so when a couple breaks up... they break their promise of forever love as well... doesn't anyone feel anything for this at all? i'd feel something... it's like betraying that promise you made to yourself and your ex-partner? or am i just thinking too much?

okie dokies... really too tired to think of anything else... shall hit the pillows now =)

woke up feeling depressed and probably a little suicidal. perhaps it's the weather. or the effect of constantly repeating the song lithium... or it's just me focusing on only problems and not the solutions.

i had a dream again yesterday night. can't remember the details. but it seems like someone i cared got together with another person which would have made me "kill" myself in the past. not literal, but maybe kill my soul bah. i wouldn't commit suicide this i promise myself and my family and those who cares =)

it's funny the power of music has on a soul. listening to depressing songs make me go into depression too... while those light hearted ones make me feel really relaxed and happy... but if i tell this to others they might probably just think i'm crazy... i mean, how can one let music control your emotions to such an extent?

yups so i must somehow learn to snap out of the trance of emotions when a song ends. it's ok to feel depressed while listening, but once the music stops, you should go back to your original state... lolx!

and then there's the question about how much one should talk about your problems. everybody has their own fair share of problems... it's really sweet if there's someone out there whom u can share all your problems with... but... is it necessary? to share ALL problems? i suppose not? because people can get quite sick of you if you just keep harping on your problems... and sometimes... i wonder if a problem for yourself can extend to becoming a problem for others, or even make the other party feel upset or hurt or something...

or maybe this is purely a problem of trust?

i like... but i don't know whether i love.

Lithium by Evanescence

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go.

Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone.
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show.
Never wanted it to be so cold.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.

I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.

Don't want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.
Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can't break free until I let it go.
Let me go.

Darling, I forgive you after all.
Anything is better than to be alone.
And in the end I guess I had to fall.
Always find my place among the ashes.

I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, ...stay in love with my sorrow.
I'm gonna let it go.













this is the new song i'll be learning for my jam session this wed! omg i hope i can make it... i've gotta settle both the keyboard and vocal parts... which is like damn hard... haiz~ will go and search for the keyboard scores if they're available online... =S as much as i like to listen and come up with my own score... but I'VE GOT NO TIME!!! rawrs.

some background about this song... Lithium in this song is NOT the CHEMICAL ELEMENT. it's actually a mood stabilizing drug that is used to cure depression and particularly mania, according to dear wiki...

here's wad Amy Lee, the female vocal for Evanescence, says about this song... *taken from wikipedia*

It's sort of a metaphor about numbness and happiness and sort of like, it's me looking at happiness in a negative way because I've always been, you know, kind of afraid to be happy. Like with the band and the art and everything else, it's always like I'm never letting myself break through into the happiness it seems like, because it's not cool or something. And describing happiness is lithium, it's like saying 'that's numbness, I won't be able to be an artist anymore if I'm happy', which is hilarious because that's just not true, I'm happy. So it's like this fight within the song of like 'do I do this and get out of here and get happy or do I wallow in it like I always do?' and it's cool because at the end of the song I say 'I'm going to let it go', like I am going to be happy.

maybe this song really speaks how i feel... i was kind of like on "lithium" for the past 3 years? i didn't dare to hold happiness in my hands. i felt numb towards most events that should have evoked some sort of emotions in me. even things that made me cry nonstop. things didn't hurt that much until i started facing them again. it's like i'm letting my reliance on my lithium go... and it still hurts now.

will i be able to let it go? and dare to fight for my own happiness?

有好多事情，明明就在嘴边，却怎么也说不出口。

回忆的影子不断徘徊。到底要何时才能解开这个心结呢？

如果我将我的未来腾出一点空间让你占据，你是否会像上次一样无影无踪的消失？













maybe i shouldn't have slacked so much today. i missed a rather important message for me today... a message calling for help in my opinion... and i went happy go lucky and even went out. omg what am i doing.

i'm sorry for not being around when you needed me...

i want to thank my really really good friends : pansy, yuchun and randy... thanks for being so concerned about me and giving me the courage to go on... and for giving me the courage to dry my tears. i'm really blessed to have u guys on my side =)

i understand the reason why i was feeling so upset about the past... i didn't want things to end like that. but no matter what i did then, things couldn't be reversed nor changed. and things wouldn't change now anyway. so... stop crying over that jerk, qing yu. time to move on ya? show the others that u wouldn't be beaten by just that!

alrighty! watch out world. i'm coming back in full swing. woohoo~

最讨厌你的人，是你自己。
你要原谅。。。不被其他人所喜爱的自己。

~绅士同盟† 8~

这个听似容易，说似容易，但。。。真的做得到吗？













“我对朋友都比对你好。”

这几天，我时不时想回当初你说的这句话。每次想到时，心里不禁疼痛。我到底是做了什么，竟然连朋友都不如。我做错了什么了吗？至今都没有个答案。只知道。。。眼泪不断地往下流。我想我真的被讨厌了吧。明明都是这么久了的事，为什么到现在都记得那么牢呢？我的金鱼记忆似乎有了漏洞。

这就是我的罪吧。我待朋友也不怎么么好。就算是报应吧。自己活该。













等一下又会再见到你。我能像往常一样的对待你吗？我的勇气跑到哪里呢？

feeling a little blue today... so i'll post a random lyrics today =)

C'est La Vie
歌手：梁静茹　|　作词：黄婷　|　作曲：易桀齐/伍冠谚

Ne laisse pas le temps, te décevoir...
(Do not let time disappoint you)
Il ne peut être conquis...
(It cannot be conquered)
Dans la tristesse, dans la douleur...
(In grief, in pain)
Aujourd'hui, demain...
(Today, tomorrow)
Au fil du temps... Le temps... C'est La Vie...
(As time goes by... Time... It's life)

也许我会再遇见你　像恋人般重逢美丽
看你满脸胡渣的笑意　爽朗一如往昔
C'est La Vie C'est La Vie C'est La Vie

走一个城市的陌生　走到了
曙光无知无觉的黎明
一路微笑的满天繁星　消失在日出里
C'est La Vie C'est La Vie C'est La Vie

oh　塞纳河~~~的水　是心的眼泪
流过了你笑的　每个样子(一去不回)
我会在你的记忆　看到我自己
看到了结局　爱在错过后更珍惜

都将走向新的旅途　Au revoir
说好不为彼此停留
看车窗外的你沉默不语　我不再哭泣
C'est La Vie C'est La Vie C'est La Vie

oh　塞纳河~~~的水　是心的眼泪
流过了漂泊的　人生风景
愿我们各自都有　美好的一生
美好的憧憬　爱在遗憾里更清晰

************************************************
法文口白翻译

别因为时间而感到沮丧
它是永远无法被征服的
不管是在悲伤里
在痛苦中
今天
明天
年复一年
时间它头也不会的往前走
这就是人生













been out the past 2 days with pansy... talked a lot about things bothering me... really happy to go out with her as always... spent LOADS of money this week so if i can i'll avoid spending for the rest of the week. NO MORE SHOPPING FOR ME! sobz~ who ask me buy a pair of boots yesterday... the pain... ouch. i spent 100bucks just in a day alone yesterday, plus the 40 bucks the day b4.... sighz. so much for being jobless. time to sell butt get myself a proper well paying job... anyone has any ideas?














i wonder what is love... the wonderful feeling when u feel when u "fall in love"? the moody feeling when u miss the person u like? is this love? i know i should be positive about things, but it's just that i often see 2 sides of the things. i see the beautiful aspects of love, and i'll see the bad ones. i think of all the lover quarrels... the unhappiness when a couple breaks up... i have repeated myself in my previous entries didn't i? oh well...

i suppose this is life? maybe we really don't realise how much we like or should treasure something only until we lose it.

sometimes i think back to my previous relationship. i have never come to peace with myself regarding the outcome of everything. a lot of people tell it's not my problem, it's the other party's that's at fault... but i still think i was in the wrong. i think that if my personality was better, if i had not been so possessive, if i haven't been so easily jealous, if i haven't let my tears fall so easily etc etc. maybe things would have been so much different. when we broke up he said he had loved me, but up till now i still can't believe what he said. but oh well it doesn't matter anymore. for someone who never really cared abt how i truly felt? i guess it really wasn't worth it.

someone had sent me a really sweet sms abt this entire issue that had been bothering me for years... here's a short excerpt... 老鼠对猫说我爱你，猫说你走开，老鼠流泪走开，谁也没看到老鼠走后猫也流了一滴泪。this sms made me cry for a long while... i don't know whether i can believe in this. i want to, but thinking about the past events made me really hesitant.

i couldn't feel his love last time, so eventually i couldn't like myself either. it sounds stupid come to think of it. isn't love suppose to make u happy and love yourself even more? it was the exact opposite for me. initially it felt good when i started falling in love... but when i got together with him things were going downhill all the while. initially we were lovey dovey and did some really sweet things to each other... then later when he went into army... i started feeling edgy because we went into "long distance" only 1 month into our relationship... i wanted to see him the moment he's out and i thought he felt the same way... only initially. after the first 3 weeks or so he got really tired of me i guess. he just wanted time on his own and maybe i didn't give him that. was i wrong to want to see him that badly? and then there's the issue of me being jealous. i couldn't control myself well and i think i said a lot of things out of spite cos he's close to my so called love rival. he's not at fault either, just that i felt super insecure... it's not my love rival's fault either. so i suppose i'm at fault for letting my emotions flare up so easily...

i hate myself for being so moody and upset whenever i think about all these... i wish someone was around to paste the smile on my face which he always manage to do so every time i talk to him...













sometimes i wonder... when i go shanghai for half a year... will people forget me by the time i get back? if it's me a year ago i probably wouldn't care. strangely now... i'm afraid. afraid of being forgotten. it's a weird feeling lmao~ or maybe i'm just a weirdo hahaha~













ahhhhhh wad's with me feeling so moody today! must be the weather... rawrs. maybe going back to sleep is a good way to get rid of the blueness lolx~

hais... i'm just a really gullible person i suppose... >_<



sometimes i wonder... to avoid getting tricked by others... is it better to be colder to others? or even avoid other people totally? that sounds so anti social...



i hate it when others approach u with an ulterior motive...



i wonder who are those who are really sincere... my best friends aside... but others whom i meet for the first time? sighz~~~



i hate others for being easily tricked by others. and i hate how gullible i am too... guess i have no right to criticize others abt this... haha~

this is part of a chain mail, but i thought i'll be nice not to coerce others into sending this mail, so i'll put this amazing story up here...




在日本发生了一件千真万确的事：

有人为了装修家里，拆开了墙；日式住宅的墙壁通常是中间架了木板后，两边批上泥土，其实里面是空的。他拆墙壁的时候，发现一只壁虎被困在那里一根从外面钉进来的钉子钉住了那只壁虎的尾巴。那人见状，既觉可怜又感好奇，他仔细看看那根钉子，天啊！那根钉子是十年前盖那房子的时候钉的。

到底怎么回事？那只壁虎竟然困在墙壁里活了整整十年！黑暗中的墙壁里的十年，真不简单。

不对呀？他继而寻思，尾巴被钉住了，一个步子也跨不出的这只壁虎，到底靠什么撑过了这十年？他于是暂时停止了装修工程它到底吃什么？他要一探究竟。

过了不久，不知从哪里又钻出来一只壁虎，嘴里含着食物 ...啊！

他一时愣住了，这是什么样的情啊？为了被钉住尾巴而不能走动的壁虎，另一只壁虎竟然在十年的岁月里一直不停地衔取食物喂它。

在人类的社会中随着计算机的普及，人与人获取相关的信息更快速，但是人与人之间的距离是否也越来越接近呢？



永远不要放弃你所爱的人！

i don't know why... all of a sudden i feel quite depressed...

first is with my upcoming japanese exam this sunday... it seems no matter how much i study i can never finish studying even half the exam material... but me procrastinating here isn't going to make things better anyway... sighz~

next... why did i choose to take this exam when everyone else is enjoying themselves after their exams? feel a little left out... i heard about my ntu clique's outing today... and that peylun got injured pretty seriously... i wished i was there physically to help out and things like that... though i did spend today pretty efficiently to study japanese... just that... there's always this what ifs hanging around... wish i didn't have to sacrifice my friends for academic stuff...

and then i feel left out again... cos there's so many things i wanna do and stuff... wanna go out with pansy to do her hair but she's such a dear, don't wanna jeopardize my jap exam on sun so she's only asking me out on mon or tues... and i wanted to go to pc fair to buy alot of stuff... but turns out i'll be going alone cos everyone else has already gone there...

and there's the problem of me getting to my exam venue on sun... it's at changi.. so freaking far away.. i'll take like 2h+ just to get to my destination! and initially i thought my father could send me there... only that he's going to china again on business trip on sunday itself... and next he's going to miss my sister's birthday too! i know he didn't want this to happen probably... but it's starting to get to me... cos he's always not around on the big occasions... hais. am i just being plain moody or wad?

and then... about my gip IA in shanghai... i haven't received the email from them yet after so long. it's starting to really make me panic... and i heard things which aren't really pleasant regarding this whole gip email thingy...

all of a sudden everything just seem to crash down on me... can i just go to bed early or just cry it all out in one corner of my world?

ahh~ the pile of mess just keeps getting higher and higher~ and it keeps expanding!

今日も一生懸命勉強しましょう！

i've been doing some self reflection ever since i woke up from my nap this afternoon... erms accurately speaking i wasn't sleeping, i was just lying on my bed for 4 hrs... *omg i'm such a pig* strangely i couldn't go to sleep, probably because of the constant drilling outside?

i realise i've become strangely and really bad tempered these days... could it be because of my lack of sleep? i shout at people before my mind takes control over the situation... haiz~ i sux =(

back to the self reflection part... i haven't been focusing well on my studies these few days... lack of sleep could be one reason... i was procrastinating yesterday loads... i couldn't see where i was heading to... i just let my fears of today's paper and fear of memorising singapore history take over me and waste my energy worrying over it... even with a great motivator by my side, i couldn't focus immediately and took a really long while to be coaxed into studying... i hate that... makes me sound so mentally weak hahaha~ this is a bad thing which i need to do something about it imo...

so once again i did some internet research hahahahahaha~ was reading this site http://www.mypersonalbrilliance.com/focus/ that talks about the personal traits that brings about personal brilliance... and actually i think i do have these personal traits except the focus trait which i have no idea why i lost it last week... i used to be able to focus well haha~ so here are some tips they provide to help one focus better...
- clarify your purpose : always keep in mind your ultimate goal. what can you do to make it a more enjoyable process?
- learn to meditate : opposing to focus, where you concentrate, meditating is to relax your mind. however at the same time it can be a good practice for concentration and focus.
- use visualization techniques : visualization is the process of of creating mental images. rather than trying to tell yourself that u'll do well in the upcoming event, visualize yourself in the scenario performing well.

this site also mentions other personal traits that can bring about personal brilliance, namely awareness, curiosity, (focus) and initiative. ok before i go into this let me talk about my jog just now... i couldn't reach my "goal" of running 8 rounds non-stop because i couldn't focus well, and while i was running i kept thinking about alot of things... like what are the things that are good about me. i couldn't think of any at that point in time... and so i failed to motivate myself and i kept stopping halfway during my run... the moment i think of a "good point" my internal voice will shoot that good trait down... haha funny that my self talk failed lolx~ and now why did i talk abt my jog? because i kept shooting down myself because of my fears. i was afraid of others being unable to accept my bad points, that's why i'm so critical of myself and keep telling myself to be humble. but this has dire effects including my low confidence... which will be a nono to survive in this world...

so now back to the site i was refering to... initiative... i used to be someone with a lot of initiative in the past *ask my sec 3 n 4 class... they'll know why hahahahahahaha~* but now i learnt to keep my initiative down because of a lot of fears, including the fear of being made use of, fear of being unappreciated, fear of being dragged into unnecessary matters etc. and guess what this site says?

Getting Clear About Your Fears

When we're worried about a potentially negative outcome or situation, we spin our mental wheels going around and around in circles, kind of like a hamster on one of those cage toys that look like miniature Ferris wheels. Hamsters need those wheels to use up some of the energy that can't possibly be expended by walking around their cages. Humans, on the other hand, particularly in today's fast-paced world, need to conserve energy and use it wisely in ventures that yield real results.

Time and energy that's wasted by focusing on fears, worries, and potentially negative outcomes can be wisely spent by training yourself to return to the present moment over and over again, regardless of the situation or problem that you are facing. No one is a natural born worrier. Worrying and being fearful are behaviors that we learn. Therefore, these behaviors can be "un-learned." Just like any other habit, learning not to worry and not to dwell on fear is a process that needs to be practiced for it to become a new habit.

so yeaps... i should slowly learn to unlearn my fears... actually a lot of my personal problems these days arise due to my excessive fears. and thinking about the habit of not worrying and not to dwell on fear brings to my mind... peylun! ok she's my new target to learn from hehex~

since now i'm talking about fears, i did another internet search and came across this site... http://www.explorefaith.org/lifelines/fear.html

Unhealthy fear is fear that controls us and consumes us. These fears “blackmail” us, rob us of the joy and abundance of life that God has intended for us........................... Fear is a double-edged sword; it can save us, and it can destroy us. How can we preserve the place of healthy fear in our lives, and protect ourselves from the death-dealing effects of unhealthy fear?

i realise this is very very true in my case haha~ come to think of it... why let these fears take control of our lives? however this is easier said than done... with the fear so deeply rooted in the back of your minds... some suggestions from this site is... to recognise the fears, and stare it down... alternatively we can replace our fears with faith. ok in this case it may not necessarily to be always having faith in a religion... haha it sounds so beautiful if we can replace fears with faith... but can it be really done for me? what if one of the fears present is the fear of trusting and believing?

in another site http://www.chrisj.winisp.net/articles/fear.htm, when dealing with our personal fear we should go through the fear to the far side of it... instead of anticipating the things that we're afraid of... so a guide to allow this mentality to vanish is...
1. just notice your fears: don't try to analyze, criticize, judge, evaluate etc. just noticing it will give yourself emotional space.
2. separate from what is real and what is imagined: most of our fears are future what-ifs and past have-beens... don't let the imagined scenarios scare you.
3. ask dumb questions, like "so what?" *hehex i like this... i always ask dumb questions* these questions may sound lame, but they're positive and enlightening. most of the time our fears are based on a negative fantasy of pain, so by asking this kind of questions we can conclude with lesser negativity and be less afraid.













okie dokies... i'm really hungry now... so i shall go for my dinner now! ahh~ feels much more at peace with myself now =)

you know that u're either an escapee from woodbridge or u're just lacking in sleep when u start dancing the YMCA dance in front of the mirror for no rhyme or reason...













i don't know why, i just have this burning desire to shout this...

やったあああああああ！！！ \（^ｖ^）/

haha did i sound like hiro? XD

yay heroes is coming on channel 5!!! though i already watched it and i most likely wouldn't be watching it on channel 5 anyway (the late time when my dad will hog the tv haha~) but the thought of the possibility of seeing hiro on tv again makes me happy. ^^













haha now i'm very happy... cos... hmmms well i guess i must trace back to quite a lot of things. today's my last ntu paper... my dreaded engineers and society... it's kind of like social studies cum history... a subject i haven't touched for like 6 years... i used to like history alot... but that was cos i liked my history teacher loads i think... mrs janet ng.... u're still my idol and one of my favourite teachers =) but yesterday and the day before i kept procrastinating... cos i felt really siandeds when i have to memorise all the stupid singapore history stuff again... *opps ISA pple don't arrest me for the above statement hahahaha~* oh well i just hate memorising... that isn't a crime i hope?

and something that made me quite happy was someone kept motivating me... though i think i'm a really stubborn bull that refused to move last night... but finally i started moving... though it's slow but at least i took a step k? lolx~ abit paiseh to him cos he fell asleep on his desk while motivating me hahaha~

then this morning... actually last night i wanted to mug through the night and not sleep at all, in the end i went to bed at 3am... kinda given up on memorising all the stuff... i think i was procrastinating cos i didn't want to memorise history stuff and kinda shut my mind to all the information i was reading on my notes... but after i woke up at 6.30am i knew wad went wrong... i didn't have any interest in my notes at all yesterday. so today i took another view point to start re-reading the notes... and things did go in... only that it seemed alittle too late? lolx~ only re-read 2 sets of notes which luckily... 1 came out in depth haha... plus the tips i got from this really good friend of mine yesterday... i kinda prepared well for 3 of the questions that came out in the paper... the last qn i had glanced through the notes, didn't really remember the stuff but at least things didn't turn out that bad even when i procrastinated so much for the first time in my entire life... so yeaps... quite happy now that i can throw away all my EnS notes hahahahahahaha~

and now the weather is purrrrfffeeeccct for napping... the nice pitter patter of raindrops... ah~ my bed... here i come....

i had a dream. ok before i go into that i must stress it's just a dream, so those people that i dream of, please don't be offended if you guys actually think u're the people i saw in my dream...

i dreamt of something from the past which shouldn't have come to my mind for so long, and i don't know what all these means. last time i was very bothered when my rival knows more about someone more than i do... and seemed closer to him than i do... but in my dream last night, when she seemingly purposely revealed information about how much more she knows about him and how intimate they are as though she's trying to spite me... i was actually pissed. i know it's a dream, so i was upset with myself when i woke up... why did i fall into that trap again? and whatever that happens to them is not exactly my business anymore isn't it...

which actually brings me to something i wanted to talk about last night actually... what is love. i don't know anymore... is it just thinking of that person every time you wake up? wanting to see that person's smile? wanting to know more about that person? or is it all the ugliness when one gets jealous over a person he/she is overly possessive of? the quarrels over a couple's differences? or when you have to let go of the person you love because you "love" him/her? i don't know anything anymore...

how is it that we can fall in love when we don't really understand what is love? sometimes i want to laugh at... the stupidity of this...













actually i feel kind of guilty yesterday... i didn't really believe in someone... and kind of expect that person to forget... but he didn't... i was happy that he didn't forget, but i don't know how much i can trust the things that he claims and does... i wish i can be a little more trusting...

and i felt a little guilty towards making peylun and bolin wait for me a really long time cos i was printing my 1 semester's worth of notes! but really thanks for waiting...













alrighty! one more ntu paper next monday, before i'm left with my final paper of the year -- jlpt!!! must jiayou and mug hard for them!!! holidays are coming soon!!! ^^

is it ok for me to feel so happy and blessed?

i don't know why... i feel kind of insecure sometimes when people are nice to me... because i don't know whether it's an illusion or not... whether they'll forget about being nice to me the next moment... but i suppose all these fears are just me thinking too much on my part? i don't know...

i'm scared i'll get the wrong impression sometimes haha!

paper today turned out ok except for yet another stunt from the examiners... they tested on a question everybody thought would not appear in the paper, so no one studied. and it's not something that can be derived... it's pure memory stuff imo... siandeds. but that's 8 marks... i pray i can get at least half of it haha~

considering i didn't get to sleep properly last night *or more accurately, i didn't sleep at all, i just lie down on my bed...* i'm kind of pleased that i didn't fall asleep during the paper! but once after the paper i became a zombie... was printing my 1 semester's worth of notes for my paper on mon... went for lunch with the ntu clique... lunch was quite fun but would have been more enjoyable if i have had enough sleep earlier on... they were talking about their obs and kayaking experiences... but strangely, i couldn't think nor recall these experiences... maybe it's cos i was too tired, maybe it's cos i didn't remember at all. i don't know... but if i can, i wish i can go obs again, though i am the kind of person who doesn't have the strength and stamina to persevere the tough obstacles and things that they do, but after those activities i always feel i emerge stronger in the mind and character...

and once i reached home, i had a long 3 hr nap...

and i feel like continuing to catch up on sleep right now... yawns.

haha then i shall leave my thoughts till the next time... =)

for a moment i thought i was going to die from all the electromagnetic formulas and computer communication concepts that were attempting to explode out of me...

i feel as though i only have half a soul left in me... trying to hold on to it desperately as it attempts to go to west heaven...













-edit-
i managed to pull my soul back... but my fish went on my behalf... because the stupid pump died on it... now trying our best to save the other fish...

sighz~ pls dun die!!!













-edit 2-
now it's 10pm in the night... we managed to save the second fish... and we bought a new fish to accompany it...

paper today was ok... though i don't know whether i made any silly careless mistakes since i don't have the time to double check my work... but overall i was quite happy cos i managed to solve a qn which needed a little more thinking... though it was only a 4 mark qn... haha!

paper tml is... jialats. i'm nowhere halfway through my notes, haven't looked through pyp... and i don't think i can sleep tonight. but i'm feeling very tired already... =S

was chatting with someone... i'm surprised that a guy like him keeps a diary... but when he told me that he likes to write motivational stuff in his diary so that when he feels sad next time, he will feel better reading his diary. i thought that was... wow. in comparison to my sad and dark blog i have here which i do reread at times... i always come here to rant when i'm feeling down usually... so the memories i leave here are usually quite dark... when i'm feeling sad next time and i come reread my blog i'll probably feel even more depressed... which is not good! so maybe next time i shall write more motivational stuff ^^

which brings me to my next point... i already thought of my next theme for my blog layout... but opps. how many times have i mentioned that this blog needs a new layout and i keep delaying my promise?! ok i really must change the lousy picture on the left with probably a better coloured drawing... and a slightly more cheerful picture... ^^ would be better if the words are orange =)

alrighty... i'm feeling a little more motivated to challenge my notes again... wish me luck!

omg. this song keeps repeating itself in my head... darn the bossa nova catchy rhythm and tune... but the mtv's so cute too! ah i want show's album!!! \(TTmTT)/

*paiseh for the really long lyrics...*



败给你
歌手：罗志祥/萧亚轩

s:陪你讲冷笑话
像冻到北极
要我陪你吃冰
恋爱是什么逻辑
算算星座和命理
到底谁在你心里

你这么惊天地
就要一路证明
谁在乎我有的比
当我一遇上你
却那么情不自禁
肯宁愿你蹂躏

你什么时候要回去你们火星
我越来越介意
做梦也梦到你
这算是我的天敌

e:你爱罗嗦又爱生气
喜欢我还嘴硬
好面子又假生气
s:好想被你吃定

败给你说话的眼睛
败给你微笑的魔力
不知不觉想每天跟你在一起
woo baby baby woo baby baby woo love

败给你少一根神经
爱上你这是我的命
我们世界原来就等这默契
woo baby baby woo baby baby woo

e:请问你还逼得我抓得那么紧
只是穿得性感些而已
你明明很自恋
让人等好着急

我心中你是第一名耐心还有爱心
爱不是有帅气就可以
拜托你别一直耍嘴皮
oh my oh my oh my oh my

s:什么时候要付出你那颗心
我越来越介意
做梦也梦到你
这算是我的天敌

e:很奇怪只要看到你
就变得好开心(s:有吗)
我已不能判你出局
s:我想把你吃定

败给你说话的眼睛
败给你微笑的魔力
不知不觉想每天跟你在一起
woo baby baby woo baby baby woo love

败给你少一根神经
爱上你这是我的命
我们世界原来就等这默契
woo baby baby woo baby baby woo

s:败给你爱上了你
看到小狗就蹲下去
骗自己你一定充满
我没发现的爱心

e:败给你爱上你
看不见你会生病
原来我也有害怕你
突然不见的危机

s:你也有温柔的时候
害我抬起头以为天上下着红雨
不然就是我还没有睡醒
只有一个我在意着的一个你
竟然的让我爱你
想你一天又一天又一天

我败给你说话的眼睛(e:败给你)
败给你微笑的魔力(e:我爱上你)
不知不觉想每天跟你在一起(e:想每天跟你在一起)
woo baby baby woo baby baby woo love

败给你少一根神经(s:我败给你)
爱上你这是我的命(s:我爱上你)
我们世界原来就等这默契
woo baby baby woo baby baby woo

败给你说话的眼睛(e: woo 败给你)
败给你微笑的魔力(s: yeah yeah yeah )
不知不觉想每天跟你在一起
woo baby baby woo baby baby woo love

败给你少一根神经(e: woo 败给你)
爱上你这是我的命(s:我败给你 e:爱上你)
我们世界原来就等这默契
woo baby baby woo baby baby woo

ok i admit. i was bored.

and i really need a damn good camera... *pouts*

泣かないで。。。

i suppose we're all in pain. feeling hurt from different things which we may or may not let the rest of the world know. deep down hidden in one corner of our private world we're crying... if we're lucky, someone might understand our pain and stay beside us, giving us inspiration and hope and encouragement... and we'll eventually stop crying. but some others might not be so lucky...

have i found my inspiration?

have you?

if you haven't, am i worthy to become your inspiration?

ahh after trying desperately to upload photos for the past week, finally i managed to upload one. i thought there's a problem with my laptop and even wanted to find time to reformat it! lolx~ glad that i can finally upload...

cheer up qing yu! and to people other than me... welcome to my... messy house? lol!

i just woke up from a nightmare... i would classify it as my nightmare because it kinda reflects my inner fears...

i dreamt that someone proposed to me and i happily accepted. but at the wedding it was disrupted by my relatives who tried to kill me and my "future" husband... by stealing our wedding rings which would protect us from harm *ok it has special powers* and by hiding one of my kids *yes i dreamt i had 2 kids before i got married. omg*... we snatched back our rings and looked for my kid who was hidden in a cupboard... the poor kid... and then later when everything was resolved i was in a party with my family... everybody was dressed up really pretty and handsome-ly... and then my dad revealed that he's going to die... i was so stunned that i started tearing right away... but my mother added that he's going to die from eating all the room service cos he'll be flying to some faraway place again. but even when this was revealed as a joke... i was quite frightened by that joke and even noticed my father was packing some really weird stuff into his luggage as though he's going somewhere far away and never coming back...

i don't know why i feel so stunned even after i woke up. everything felt so real that i'm afraid my dream wasn't just a dream but it might become reality. of course i'm not trying to curse my family or anything, but i'm scared that when i go shanghai far away from them, something might happen without my knowing... that's y it's a nightmare and even after i wake up, i can't smile and laugh at the stupidity of me having 2 kids before i marry.

ok paiseh! today is lyrics day! got 3 songs i wanna post today, so scroll down if u wanna see wad i really have to say about today... when i'm feeling super stressed i like to listen to songs and sing... that's my way of destressing, so when i come across great songs i wish i can share with the whole world... haha~

first song of today... really love the 曲风... and somehow this song is like singing my desire for the kind of love i'm looking for... ahh~ 梁静茹 is still my idol!!! XD



一秒的天堂
歌手：梁静茹

他是谁没有姓名没有性别
他是谁连吻别也吻得那麽完美
他是谁给我翅膀不让我飞
他爱谁爱上了谁又离开了谁

爱是磁铁爱是潮水爱风花雪月
爱一千零一夜爱是第一眼
就过了一万年

我要的爱有一种魔幻一秒的天堂
会让我奋不顾身去闯去受伤
再让我吞下时空胶囊迷茫的辗转
好像我明明到过天堂却忘了

喝太醉往事往往容易倾斜
夜太黑纯洁一夜一夜烧成了灰
想太美思念细的好像纤维
那个谁谁是我的最后那一个谁

爱是听觉爱是嗅觉爱天真无邪
爱是错觉幻觉爱可能是个
那甜蜜的魔鬼

我要的爱有一种魔幻一秒的天堂
会让我奋不顾身去闯去受伤
再让我吞下时空胶囊迷茫的辗转
好像我明明到过天堂却忘了

我要的爱有一种魔幻一秒的天堂
会让我奋不顾身去闯去受伤
再让我吞下时空胶囊迷茫的辗转
好像我明明到过天堂却忘了

不管谁我要我的魔幻一秒的太阳
我要我有向日葵一样的皇冠
我只要日正当中荡漾蔚蓝的海岸
天快亮爱在闪闪发亮正前方
















next up is a song that my brother was stunned when he heard me humming the tune at dinner time... LOL. he told me that he knows this tune and wanted me to continue humming, much to my surprise cos i kinda expect him to tell me to shaddup cos i'm being noisy hahaha~ erms... i heard this song first on cc's car when hitching a ride somewhere together with pansy... the version i heard was 梁静茹 with 品冠... but the original was from music and lyrics, song title is...



Way Back into Love

I've been living with a shadow over head
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just cant seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
and if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end















last song for today is actually a song i like from quite some time back, in F.I.R's latest album, just waiting for me to put the lyrics up someday haha~ it's one of the few songs in faye's *crazy* range that i can hum most of the time... though not the entire song haha~



真爱地图
歌手：F.I.R

指间穿越发稍 合十随风祈祷
松开后听不到你的心跳
如果能有预兆 交换时间颠倒
我只想用泪痕刻下你的记号

oh~这真爱地图多斑驳模糊
我还拼凑那幸福

选择了深爱 眼泪擦乾 用期待
灌溉一片森林海
让悲伤绽放心底的呐喊
决定了深爱 就不悔改 多勇敢
这就是真实的爱
最后再没有谁能伤害
写下最美的路途等你回来













ok... now onto the thing that's stressing me...

i swear... my neighbour must have some weird prejudice against me.

just when my parents claim that they have not been drilling these days, i happily sat down at my study desk to start studying... THEY STARTED DRILLING AGAIN. DAMMIT. do they have some secret weird detectors stuck beneath my study desk chair? i swear they have some peeping spy hole connecting between our houses. else how in the world do they find such a perfect timing to ruin the peacefulness of the quiet day???

sighz. looks like they just stopped? lolx~

*note:after that they started drilling again when i started studying again. arghs!*















so many things i want to talk about, but i wonder... if it's ok to talk about them haha! confused about quite a few things... today's paper wasn't good cos i kinda had really high expectations of myself *well it's one of my best subjects this semester* and i actually forgot how to do one particular part of the qn... to others it seem like i'm being stuck up probably but oh well, i'm disappointed with my performance today. which should spur me to work harder for my upcoming papers, but i've kinda slacked my entire day away sleeping slowly reading integrated electronics tutorial and notes... sighz.

i accidentally overheard my parents conversation about me going shanghai next year... before this i know i'll probably miss my family loads, but when my mum secretly told my dad *they presumed i didn't know cos i was supposedly in my room hahaha* she told my dad i'll confirm miss home one or two months after i'm in shanghai... i felt so damn gek? haha i dunno how to describe that feeling, but now i feel like i dun wanna miss them and let them laugh at me wahahahahaha~ i'll prove u guys wrong man =)

other things... should i get myself a diary? since i can't blog when i go shanghai probably... sighz. some things that i want to leave open online, some things i want to vent out but they can't be seen or heard by others probably. i feel like i'm a mess of things =S

i hope all these is not just a joke... before i take things too seriously...

another 9.5 hrs to my first exam paper of the semester! feeling damn tireds but i haven't finished studying...

i wonder when have i become like this. others think it's so hard to approach me for help... they think i prefer to be left alone. and i feel quite guilty cos i really feel this way sometimes. i don't know when i've become so adverse to helping others out. my initial response whenever someone asks me for help these days will be... what? you want help? =S instead of... oh yes i'll help in whatever way i can back in the past.

haha this brings me back to some time last week. pansy knew i had some interest in tarot cards and the like superstition, and she just picked up 姓名学... which is like predicting a person's life and personality based on that person's chinese name... and for me... as depicted by the "calculation" i'll be someone who'll be a loner... eeks. i hate to admit it. but i'm quite scared of that happening lol. my close jc friends will know why i say this haha~ just that i don't admit it these days... i think me becoming so cold and indifferent to other people's problems will distant me even further from others. but i don't dare to get too close to others either. argh! i hate to be pulled along by fate so i told myself i'm going to struggle against it... but opps, looks like i'm in that path fate has brought me all along... =S

time to change my attitude towards others when they ask for help! =X

joke of the day night... name has been censored and so we shall call this funny friend of mine xxx.

xxx: hey, can i ask you about *subject name censored*? have you done 07 may paper?
me: oh i'm doing the 06 nov paper now, haven't looked at the 07 paper yet. so wassup with the 07 paper?
xxx: oh nothing lor. it's just more updated.

ok i guess i just have a low threshold for this kind of stuff...

你最近還好嗎
歌手:S.H.E

挑一張耶誕卡寫上滿滿祝福的話
地址寫的是心底 你能不能收到它
天有點冷 風有點大 城市寧靜而喧嘩
這一個冬天我得一個人走回家

問自己習慣了嗎
沒有你每到夜裏回聲變得好大
有沒有什麽好方法
讓寂寞更聽話

你最近還好嗎 是不是也在思念裏掙紮
你說會記得我 還記得嗎
你最近還好嗎 忙碌嗎累嗎 心還會痛嗎
如果真不得已忘了我 快向快樂出發

有再多的牽掛都已沒有權利表達
舊情人給的問候比陌生人還尷尬
昨天遠了 明天還長 回憶模糊但巨大
這樣的深夜眼淚要怎樣不流下

問自己習慣了嗎
沒有你每到夜裏回聲變得好大
有沒有什麽好方法
讓寂寞更听话

你最近還好嗎 是不是也在思念裏掙紮
你說會記得我 還記得嗎
你最近還好嗎 忙碌嗎累嗎 心還會痛嗎
如果真不得已忘了我 快向快樂出發

你最近還好嗎 是不是也在思念裏掙紮
你說會記得我 還記得嗎
你最近還好嗎 忙碌嗎累嗎 心還會痛嗎
如果真不得已忘了我 快向快樂出發

i've never felt like puking so much before. not literally. ok maybe it can become literal. i'm suffering from overdose of software engineering. and i feel like killing the person who set the tutorial questions. i spent the entire night trying to memorise a tutorial by first reading and memorising the notes, then turning to the tutorial to see if my memory work is there. BUT the tutorial questions are totally unrelated to the notes!!! OMG. RAWR. wad a total waste of time. and by the time i started memorising the tutorial solution my mind was saturated from the notes =S originally i can memorise the entire tutorial in 2 hrs, now i need 1hr to memorise 1qn out of total of 7 qns in the entire tutorial. *pukes*

even green tea isn't helping. guess it's the lack of sleep then...

i'm so tired that i'm going to drop dead any moment...

i felt like i've cried out my soul... the accumulated grief and sorrow for the past few years... thanks to pey lun... thanks for listening. i really feel much much better now. and little more hopeful. maybe i can trust and believe in others a little more now. and to stop denying myself of my happiness... yes! a step closer to making my birthday wish come true!

i'm too serious about others petty remarks at times... i'm sorry for that. so i'll take note on my attitude towards them when such things happen in the future. actually i'm quite mad at myself for being upset over some comments or remarks that are just irresponsible or 没经过大脑... so now, i'll control my irritation or anger by looking at events in a different light so that i wouldn't be so easily pissed. pissed not pissed at ok?

for now... let's throw all these to the back of mind... and 加油！がんばって！i believe i can finish my tutorials by sunday! *another freaking 9 tutorials waiting for me...*

my messy study desk... rawrs! i'm going crazy from the mugging!

and i need a camera... \(TT m TT)/

Umbrella
By YUI

ちゃぶ　ちゃぶ 雨がふる二丁目の路地
あなたを迎えに駅までゆくの

ちゃぶ　ちゃぶ　本当はケンカしたから
放っておきたいけれど...
黒い傘　忘れてた　だから

待ってるのよ　ずっと待ってるの
許してあげる　だから早く my darling

改札口が見える　この場所で
困り果てた　あなたの事　捜すけれど
今夜も帰りが遅いね

ちゃぶ　ちゃぶ降り続く二人の間に
小さな水たまり
白い靴　汚れてた　だけど

待ってるのよ　ずっと待ってるの
許してあげる　だから早く　my darling

改札口が見える　この場所で
手を振っている　あなたの事　捜すけれど
今夜も帰りが遅いね

わかってるはずなのに
雨が降るたび　ここに来てしまう

今夜も　待ってるのよ　ずっと待ってるの
許してほしい　あたしのこと my darling

改札口が暗くなるたびに
優しかった　あなたの事　想って泣いた
今夜も帰りが遅いね　今夜も帰りが遅いね













Here's the english translation ^^
Pitter, patter, rain falls on the alleyway between two city blocks
I'm going to the station to meet you

Pitter, patter, actually we had a fight
I wanted to leave you alone
But you forgot your black umbrella

I wait, I'll wait forever
I forgive you, so hurry, my darling

I can see where the ticket gates are
But I was confused, I will search through the things about you
Tonight you're late home again

Pitter, patter, it continued to rain between the two of us
These little drops of water
Made my white shoes dirty, but...

I wait, I'll wait forever
I forgive you, so hurry, my darling

I can see where the ticket gates are
Though I will be waving, I will search through the things about you
Tonight you're late home again

You should know
That when it rains I'll come here

Tonight I wait again, I'll wait forever
I want to forgive you for your actions, my darling

Each time the ticket gate becomes dark
I thought of how sweet you were and cried
Tonight, you're home late again
Tonight, you're home late again

sometimes i just think that i'm a really difficult person.

i hate it whenever i get angry or upset. which i do very often these days at people who most probably don't have the intention of making me so. maybe it's just that i haven't been mixing with people long enough for me to control my temper proper. or maybe it's just that i'm taking everything too seriously? i don't know. sometimes i kind of feel bad in afterthought after i threw my temper or something. but sometimes when i fly into a rage i don't feel i'm in the wrong.

whenever others are upset or angry, i always tell them this: take in a deep breath. sometimes in the heat of things it's hard to do so isn't it. rage will fling all your rational thoughts and restrain on yourself far to the back of your mind. how then, can one train up their level of tolerance when they face this kind of things? interact with "irritating" people more often? lolx~

in order to find out more, i did an internet search. guess what? the articles that turned up are mostly meant for kids. ok i'm sorry i'm behaving like a kid ok. =(

anyways, some tips from the sites i came across...
from http://www.wikihow.com/Control-Your-Temper
1. Realise that things can be handled well at times, it's just a matter of what kind of attitude you put into it.
2. Get away from situations where your anger might get the best of you. (eg. ignore the person irritating you etc.)
3. When you are angry, stay calm and take deep breaths, close your eyes for a while and you will find that the situation is under control, and slowly master your anger.
from http://www.wikihow.com/Control-Your-Anger
1. When angry, be diplomatic or make a witty comment, instead of yelling. This way, if the other person overreacts, it makes you look good and them look bad.
2. Try thinking of stuff that you are thankful for. The more specific, the better. You can't be truly angry and thankful at the same time.
3. Meditation is a useful way to release stress and/or anxiety, which are often prerequisites to anger. Do not meditate when you are angry, as this could have a negative effect on your anger. Instead, meditate when you have calmed down and are in complete control of your thoughts and emotions.
4. Remember, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side. XD

haha i wonder if i'm witty enough to make witty comments... but yeaps, hope that i'll be able to have more self-restrain on my emotions the next time i meet with similar situations...

i want to chase away depression, tears and bad memories!

nothing will bring me down! never say die!

wad about that bad dream? or my bad grades? wad's most important now is to finish up my work and do well for my exams. that's the only way to salvage the current situation, so don't be down! 元気に出して！がんばって！

加油！

feeling depressed. probably due to a nightmare (ok laugh pls haha) and the piling work. sighz.

maybe i shouldn't go online so often. *shrugs*

i'm feeling emo again tonight.

STOP THINKING SO MUCH! there are better things to focus on. like the 13 tutorials waiting for you, and the exams upcoming next week. rawrs.

been procrastinating the entire day... morning i skipped swimming with my family, saying i wanted more sleep. then in the afternoon i played a chinese rpg my friend sent me yesterday.... now it's 7.20pm and i'm still sulking here, eating my first proper meal of the day.

how should one handle people who are nice to you because they want something from being nice to you? and after that if they see no profit in being nice to you, they'll just ignore you? i tried to ask my mum for advise, and she says just avoid coming into contact with them. but running away is not a solution. another way out would be to be nice to them and eat off whatever profits one can gain from being on close terms with them. but that's kinda against my principles.

talking to randy really made me feel much better... it's inevitable that we have to come into contact with such people despite how hard we try to avoid them... so once they come up to you and start asking for something, it is advised to...
1. reject in ways depending on your current steam level.
- steam level 1: tell them that you don't have it with you at the moment
- steam level 2: tell them you don't want to give it to them
- steam level 3: tell them you wouldn't even give it to them over your dead body
2. always try to remain neutral with them. it's not good if you go 翻脸 with them and make things really 疆... erms dunno whether the chinese word is correct or not... haha~
3. if u're really irritated with this kind of person, practise smiling. criteria of this kind of smile are as follows:
- fake
- is a function of time where it lasts not more than a second


hahas... enough of ranting... i hope i'll stop procrastinating and go do my tutorials after dinner... =(

i wish to become a better person.

it's time to say goodbye to Halloween *and just about time to say hi to November... argh!* another yet... unproductive? day? lolx~ i guess having overworked isn't such a good thing afterall...

and stupid me decided to snack on nuts today! argh there goes my diet! my weight went back up to before the diet!!! OMGOMGOMG!!! rawrs. so to kind of compensate for the extra weight i put on just cos of my snacks, i went jogging again =(

well if i did mention here before, i really hated jogging. it's the most boring sport i can ever think of... u just keep running like no tomorrow, to just shed excess energy and weight. not fun at all! but... jogging clears your mind... when i'm running in the stadium... the only thought in my mind was... another xxx rounds! jiayou! *ok i'm a lousy runner i need such motivation to keep myself moving* yups... it has some sort of optimistic motivation for me... and i can think about the things that had been troubling me while counting and trying to keep my pace... sounds like ultra multitasking haha~

anyways... there's no point for me to feel upset over something's that's past for so long. though even up till now i still have my resentments towards an individual... but there's nothing i can do. and no point in patching up now i suppose. though it would have been a good idea, but i'd wonder about each others' motives if that really happens. so yeaps. things wouldn't change. life still goes on whether i like it a not. but i can choose to live each day in pain or to live each day with happiness. i want the latter. and small things like these can't beat me down! yeahs!

now... onward to my tutorials!

i dunno why i'm feeling kinda... depressed now? maybe it's the wonderful weather... raindrops falling, at this time of the night, and i'm extremely tired and can't go on with my tutorials... at this time i usually let my mind drift... despite having a really fun conversation with my brother's gf now *and bitching abt my brother hahahahaha i'm joking =)* somehow everything feels empty. can't explain this feeling anyway. it seems like everytime i bring up that particular topic i'll feel empty.

although in my mind i know that this is already in the past, somehow whenever i talk abt this matter, those bad memories keep coming back to haunt me... can't u just let me go on and start my new life?

and it's strange... i can talk to sarah *my brother's gf* like some long lost old friend... talking cock just like how i'd talk to my friends normally, i can also talk to my close friends like weijie without having to think hard to continue the conversation, but i can't talk or converse properly with certain other individuals. maybe we just don't click or the chemistry isn't there? but i geniunely want to talk to the other individuals more and learn more about them! though i just met sarah the first time in my entire life... i dunno why i feel i can talk to her without feeling much restrain. sighz why is my mind so complex?

omigod! it seems that in china blogspot can't be accessed! how the hell can i blog when i'm in china then?! aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh~~~~

so tireds... i had to go to sleep at... *my normal?* time yesterday before 12... when i wanted to try to do another tutorial before i went to sleep... maybe it's time for me to pull back my sleeping time these days... like.. to have 5hrs or sleep everyday or something? lol~ exams are coming and there's so much workload waiting for me... and yet i have the time to blog?! talk about irony...

i insist! i'm just trying to destress ^^

and sometimes i wonder if i'm just someone who's really bad at conversations =S

everything... is just like a dream.

today i finally finished giving tuition to mark. wad a trouble kid. we suan each other about today being my final maths lesson to him for o lvls, unlike how i became kind of emo when i had my "final" lesson with bobby. but... after the lesson today, i feel terribly tired and yet satisfied... like i've walked mark through the entire (hell load) year of o lvl maths... and not forgetting the same maths (shit) with bobby... these two kids ah... no respect no manners but i dunno y i like teaching and talking to them alot... i can tell them some of the stuff that i wouldn't dare to tell others in my same age... sometimes it's like looking at me when i'm younger like their age... and sometimes i envy the crazy things they do (like how mark will put on this blue recycling bag on his head with the word terrorist, and then bursting into classes halfway through lesson to scare the fellow classmates LOL)... but good thing is, somehow it wouldn't be the last time i'll be meeting with mark and bobby, cos we have some sort of a meeting after exams for me to claim my pay from bobby! rawrs how can u withhold my pay!

but the good thing is, now i can finally focus on my tutorials... i've got another 22 tutorials on my list of tutorials to complete... in the coming 2 weeks. monday's already gone since i'm too tired to do anything now i guess... hais another long long week ahead of me... and my horoscope says i should not overwork myself! eeks!

i want a digital camera, webcam, microphone and loads of sleep! rawrs!

崇拜
歌手：梁静茹

你的姿态 你的青睐
我存在在 你的存在
你以为爱 就是被爱
你挥霍了我的 崇拜

我活了 我爱了 我都不管了
心爱到疯了恨到算了就好了
可能的 可以的 真的可惜了
幸福好不容易怎么你却不敢了呢

我还以为我们能 不同于别人
我还以为不可能的 不会不可能

你的姿态 你的青睐
我存在在 你的存在
你以为爱 就是被爱
你挥霍了我的 崇拜

风筝有风 海豚有海
我存在在 我的存在
所以明白 所以离开
所以不再 为爱而爱
自己存在 在你之外

haha thanks to pansy... i've gotten a new found addiction...

sick of how i always look with my hair parting? or my lousy hairstyle?

here's my makeover!!! XD


ahhh i feel like doing a real makeover now... *pouts*

又到了夜静的时候了。乘脑子还在酒精的影响之下，我决定了。我不想再为此事而烦恼。一个似乎不曾关心过我的人，我为何要为他难过？这根本没必要。所以我不准再为此事感到难过！

一切都只是一场梦。快乐悲伤，都让我感到莫名的空虚。明明就不应该是这样的嘛。还是我已超越了人拥有丰富感情的那个境界？

感觉一直以来我都在扑空。不曾拥有什么。或许以后也不会拥有任何东西。这种空虚的感觉，难道就是所谓的真实吗？













i know i should go to sleep now, but the other side of me tells me not to... feel like pushing myself further more to do some work now... but... hais.

give me a little bit more time, and i shall be back to the energetic and crazy girl i was...

i want and need sleep. rawrs.

it's a rather old song, but when i saw the mtv today, i can't help but feel my tears roll down my cheeks...

When You're Gone
Avril Lavigne

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

(chorus)
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words i need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

(chorus)

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

(chorus)

i finally koped some photos from yihui's 21st party! ok lah i'll just post one here for rememberance... ^^


once again, a really happy (belated) birthday to yihui! a bit paiseh i couldn't stay till the cake cutting on ur party itself, but i wish that u'll be blessed in this upcoming year... and not be troubled by love matters so much! ^^ in the picture there's me, yihui and then jiayuan... haha long time never meet my fellow 4/11 friends, but somehow they don't seem to have changed! really glad to see them again at yihui's party even for that short while... caught up with jiayuan and qiu yun (yes my fellow qy! ^^) still as hilarious the two of them... now that i think about it i kinda miss the times fooling ard with them... =)













「私のことが好きです」と言われる事はほんとに難しいですよ。
it is really tough for one to be able to say "i like the things about myself".

for a while, i thought i was able to do it. i was able to like the things about me and feel good about it. until last night, when i had to talk about a particular experience. although i thought i had gotten past it, somehow when i started talking about it, 我突然有一股怒气冲了上来。and after that, it took me a really long while to cool down and be able to fall asleep. i don't like that aspect of myself. i don't like how i wasn't able to smile and joke about that past experience as though it was nothing *though on the surface i did since it was on msn... i told the other party in conversation that it's nothing. but i wasn't smiling when i typed out the messages.* deep down i knew. it's a funny feeling to be unable to come clean to myself that somehow, i still care a lot about this issue. and i thought and had told myself that i'm going to let go. have i really let go?

i feel like such a hypocrite. i purposely did some things for some motives which i consider dumb and blond now... shall not go into the details... and now i feel like such an idiot. why am i doing these things in the first place? i shouldn't be doing things that might cause others to misunderstand isn't it... like not being too close with certain people when i do and still have some sort of personal barrier i can't cross myself.

i want to be able to let go. haven't i been doing fine all these while? why let all these negativity come back to me when i'm just feeling sunshiny? is this all a joke?

will i be able to love myself and find inner peace?

モラルの葬式
作詞: アンジェラ・アキ
作曲: アンジェラ・アキ

フクロウの鳴き声は「死」の警報で
闇が傷口を開いて満月を出す
信者から不信心者　神父達まで
喪服を着て風の声に耳をすました

今宵はモラルの葬式だ
Pater Noster

流れ星は空の涙　樹々の嗚咽が森に響く
湖は悲哀を　水面を渡る風に伝え
その風が皆を葬儀場に呼んだ

今宵はモラルの葬式だ

前の方に愛が座り　その隣には
哲学がタバコをくわえ思いにふける
プライドと献身はその真後ろで
やけに深刻な顔をして話し込んでいる

誰もが動揺を隠せない
Pater Noster

知恵に手を引かれたまだ幼い無垢が
棺の中に白いバラを投げ込むと
理性が席を立って　黒いベールをまくり
式の最後に皆の前で
ゆっくりと語り始めた

「息子との突然の別れに私は今　心を乱している
凛とした彼の声　まっすぐなまなざしを
いつまでも忘れない

今でもきっと灯台の様に
私達を照らしている
迷った時　はぐれた時　道が見えない時
善と悪の節目にそっと　あなたの心に　彼は生き続ける」

Pater Noster

同情が激しくうなずき　拍手が起こり
真実が理性の耳元で言った

「私も息子がいたの
希望がいなくなっても彼は今でも
皆の中で生きている」

フクロウが鳴き止んで飛び立った頃
朝もやをかきわけながら太陽が出た

私はいつも勇気を持って、元気になりたい。

昨日はほんとに最高だ。Ｐｒｅｓｅｎｔａｔｉｏｎが終わって、先生に教えて、いいコメントをもらった。まだとても上手になったけど、今回のはこの前のよりいいと思って、ちょっと嬉しいです。そして、Ｅメールをチェックして、奨学金をもらった！\（＾ｖ＾）/やった！それ以上じゃなくて、ＭｉｃｒｏｓｏｆｔからＥメールももらった。来年上海にＭｉｃｒｏｓｏｆｔでａｔｔａｔｃｈｍｅｎｔをするチャンスをくれました。今覚えてもとても嬉しいですよ！だから、今声を返さなくてもいいぞ！＾＾

wow it sure is hard to type out my thoughts in japanese... though it's a good chance for me to practise since i'm taking jlpt 3 at the end of this year... i'm starting to crash the japanese lessons lee sensei is having with the actual hmj4 people, so far things aren't too bad, just that i need to find time to finish the work she gives... in addition to trying to catch up with all the grammer items that i missed out since i only started crashing like... when she almost finished going through all the grammar stuff? lol!

next up in my list of challenges to conquer... the ee3017 quiz on friday! i haven't finished all my tutorials yet, still have another 3 more to go i think... plus i wanna do my ee3014 tutorial today as well... and i need to go to the library to borrow books to prepare for my interview with microsoft... hmmms i think i should go to the library to study, but i'm scared that my constant coughing will irritate other fellow library users... wad should i do? =S

i wish i can continue to be as energetic as i was before... and to have the courage to show my kindness to others... and to show my "true" self... although i can't tell exactly what my true self is... but i feel i'm happiest when i'm mingling with people i like... and being unafraid to give and help them. i was afraid of being taken advantage of by others, this situation doesn't change even now, but... if i take a small step... who knows? would a miracle happen or something? haha~

and on a final note... 終極一家 ended last night on taiwan tv! so sadeds! no more 大東!!! hais... so sad to leave this fantastic series and cast that i didn't watch 2 days worth of the show... cos it's the finale... maybe i shall leave it till this weekend when my quiz is over? lol~ 夏天!孟主!蘭陵王!夏宇夏美!還有阿公!我會想念你們的!
<(TT m TT)>

can i be emo just for tonight?

ok i realised that i'm emo for most of the nights anyway... LOL.













tomorrow's my presentation on managing difficult people. doing up on this topic actually leaves me with a really funny feeling. we're all talking about how to DEAL with difficult people, but have we ever thought whether WE are the difficult people in question? haha from the data and characteristics we discussed in the presentation, i realised that i can be quite a difficult person in other people's point of view. which is a bad thing isn't it...

difficult people are everywhere. in my part of the presentation i actually mentioned the various characteristics that would land someone under the category of being difficult : always complaining, extremely picky, does not listen, refuse to give feedback, can't be bothered, self-centered, or inconsiderate. come to think of it, i fall into these quite often isn't it =X it's so easy to be difficult, yet hard to handle these difficult people. i feel that instead of just managing difficult people, we should also learn to manage our own tendencies to be difficult. but of course, we can't go up, present to others and tell them straight in the face that they have the tendency to be difficult and thus they should look out for their difficult behavior. nonono, people don't like to be accused of this, with the probable exception of me perhaps?

while we point at others, blaming them for being difficult, how many of us can look at things and reflect upon ourselves and admit the negativities we inflict on others? i believe if everyone can look at things in this perspective, there wouldn't be so many difficult people along the streets...

there are so many difficult people around us. haiz. how should i tackle my problems and conflict with them? i don't feel like confronting them and talking to them since... maybe i'm being difficult too? lol~ don't see the point of confronting since i feel our interests would conflict anyway. if i want to resolve this issue with them, it's more like i've got a need to be on good terms with them in the upcoming semester(s) and so on... feels kinda weird this way if i'm psychoing myself to do this... =( i know that if i wanna settle things i should go talk to them and get things out straight... but this feels weird and so un...real... like i'm being a hypocrite and stuff. and besides, i somehow think and believe that i can be independent... *though this is a dangerous way of thinking imo haha~*

ok enough about all these! i'm super worried for presentation tml cos... 1. in the morning i have tuition with marki 2. wad to wear! 3. am i wearing my heels the entire day? *NO!!! \(TT m TT)/* 4. will my voice come back tomorrow? *doesn't feel nor look like it sadly* 5. will my tutor pick on me tomorrow? etc etc. so many uncertainties! haiz i wish i'm more confident and have more courage to present tomorrow... be able to look into the audience eyes longer... i realise i'm very shy in looking into people's eyes when i'm presenting... and i'm scared i'll forget my points and so on... rawr! so scared! =(

maybe instead of ranting here i shall go memorise my points on powerpoint... sighz~

here's an imaginary manga scenario i've thought up with. don't laugh at me hor. hehex~

background: Yukino (雪野 shortened to 雪) is an energetic girl *ok in manga which girls aren't energetic if they're the main characters* 16 year old, with 2 suitors, Suzaku (すざく shortened to just す) and Minazuki (水無月 shortened to 水)... but somehow Suzaku has a closer link and bond to Yukino... so ahems ahems... XD

Yukino appears to be a strong girl who never seems to be down by any obstacle she meets, however deep down she is actually afraid of being alone. Of course she tries not to let others know about this because she's one with strong pride and ego and tries not to let others into her heart. All except one... her best friend had left for America, so she's all lonely now. after crying her heart out that night after her best friend left for America, the story unfolds on the next day, where she has to go to school along with the 2 other main chars of this story arc ^^

anyway things might get confusing below...cos the dialogue is gonna be in chinese~


narration:
没关系。
就算没有你，也无所谓。
因为，我并不孤单。

scene: Yukino running to school in the morning, saying hi to all her friends along the way, including Suzaku and Minazuki.

雪：早安！
水：（戴着笑脸）小雪，早！
す:早。(keeps kinda quiet, looking at 雪's figure as she runs past him and 水)

scene: shows Yukino doing class duty of cleaning the whiteboard.
narration: 没有你，我还是我。

scene: shows Yukino raising her hand during class.
narration: 我还能微笑。

scene: shows Yukino enjoying lunch with some of her girlfriends including friend A, B, C and D.
narration: 身旁的笑声不断。

scene: shows Yukino walking along the school corridor with a stack of notes with friends, chatting happily along the way.
narration: 所以，我并不孤独。

scene: shows Yukino playing volleyball *YES! VOLLEYBALL! XD* at PE. friend C spikes a ball across, and Yukino was stoning.

D: 小雪！
雪: (stoning)... ... 啊！
ball hits 雪 right on the head *bull's eye!*

scene: shows Yukino in the infirmary, surrounded by friends A, B, Suzaku and Minazuki.

水:小雪，你没事吧？
雪: 没事！（脸带微笑）
A:没事那就好！
す: (uses his hand to measure 雪's forehead temperature) 你在发烧耶。
雪: 这一点烧，算不了什么。（脸带微笑）

narration: 对。这算不了什么。

scene: end of school. everybody leaves the school.

B : 那么明天见咯。
A : 要小心身体喔。
雪: 明天见！

水：小雪，要不要我送你回家？
雪：啊，不用了，谢谢。
我自己回家就行了。
水：真的吗？
雪：喂，我是谁？我是雪野耶。
只不过是回家罢了，我是不会迷路的唷。
水：可是。。。你不是一向都会找人陪你回家的吗？
雪: 。。。

narration :
我并不孤独。
我够坚强。
我不需要别人陪伴。

雪：哈哈。明天有测验，如果发烧传给你，你不就惨了吗？
水：啊！测验！我都忘了有这回事！
那么，你回家路上要小心。
雪：好！那明天见！

scene: Yukino slowly trudging back home. having a fever makes it hard for her to walk past the crowd on her way home. Suzaku trailing behind her, trying not to let her see him.

narration:
对。我根本就不需要别人在我身旁。
我靠自己的力量也可以。
没有你在我也行。
我一点都不孤独。

scene: Yukino starts to feel giddy due to her fever. Suzaku rushes up and catches her in his arms before she faints and hit the ground.

す: 你没事吧？
我看我还是送你回家吧。
雪: 没事，我只是一时慌神罢了。
す: 不要再硬撑了，我还是送你回家吧。
雪: 不用了，我不需要你陪。

scene : Suzaku doesn't say anything, held Yukino's hand and brought her towards a park on the way to Yukino's house. Sun sets, street lamps start to light up. Yukino starts to struggle when they reach the park.

雪: 我都说过了，我不需要你陪。
す: 你不是最害怕孤单吗？
为什么害怕孤单，却又不肯让别人陪？

(erms... lightning strikes Yukino. or rather the effect that looks like that's the case... haha~)

雪: (looking down) 够了，不要再说了。
我不怕孤单。
我只是。。。
す: 你好自私。
别人想关心你，陪伴你，
你却把他们推到一旁不理不睬。
雪: 不要再说了。
我并不孤单。
我也不害怕孤单。
因为，(tears start forming)
如果承认我害怕，
我就无法在像以前一样开朗。(starts sobbing)
す: (gives Yukino a hug)
雪: 请你不要离开我，好吗？
す: 嗯。













kyaaaaaa~ it's like the ultimate romance imo lor! ok not ultimate lah. but when girls are weak like this they're very susceptible to kindness from guys... so yeaps. somemore in a park when the sun sets somemore! this is so typical of jap shoujo type of manga... eeks! omg i can't believe i actually spent my time on this stupid 幻想 lor... dots. but the images like kinda vivid in my mind... i wish i can draw them out on paper... if only my drawing skills that zai... haha! but the style i had in mind was quite arina style... this script like not so much her style leh... hahas! i wanna learn how to draw and create my own manga! \(TT m TT)/

あたしの声を返して！

so many things that i wanna blog about, but i've got no time and energy left today...

i finally got hold of angela aki's today album! yays!

and... i had a 4/11 meeting today at yihui's birthday party... feeling abit guilty for being unable to stay for the cake cutting, since i'm not feeling well and i've got tuition tml morning, but i'm glad i'm back now because my sore throat is really causing a slight fever... but. ahems that's not the point! took a lot of crazy shots with these gals as well, would post them here if i get hold of them haha... and i managed to talk with some of them after being unable to see them for like... months? had a great time suaning jia yuan *opps* and a really long chat with qiu yun on our way home... i'm glad we have the chance to talk so much on such a deep level... really glad that we went home together! and i can't wait for us to meet up again once our exams are over and done with... EXAMS! DIE!!!!

and... i really wish for all of us girls to find our happiness, be it now, or in the future. =)

today was yet another sinful day for a girl who had sworn on a diet... behold!

to celebrate my belated birthday, i had a treat from yu chun at none other than my favourite buffet restaurant... suki sushi! once again, picture speaks a thousand words, so my this entire blog entry has like at least 6k words... eeks so wordy...

so far... all's calm and good and nice... until...

yay! we managed to uphold the record of stacking up plates as high as the counter! way to go!!!~~~ XD *i bet the other people sitting around us must be thinking these 2 girls are mad*

come on don't be shy to show the faces of the 2 gluttons with their conquered items ^^

kids, don't try this at home. although u might want to visit heaven soon, i strongly advise you: choking to death on wasabi is definitely not a beautiful way of dying.

ok the reason for the above picture with yu chun trying to kill herself with wasabi *mental note to self: it's wasabi not wasabe... i don't know how that name came to my head...* was she actually had blocked nose, which she tried to unblock using wasabi... it did help, but shortly after that, she got her blocked nose back together with blocked ears. so she had to keep increasing the dosage of wasabi to try get her nose and ears unblocked...

not a very nice way of curing flu imo haha!















and today, i finally got my hands on these treasures... XD


i've known angela aki since her song kiss me good-bye which is the theme song of final fantasy 12... and her voice's damn good... so i'm really glad that i bought this album today, though my initial aim was to get her 2nd album "today"... her first album is also... damn good. i haven't got the time to listen in depth, i'm still floating around feeling high on my latest acquisition...

and here's my second addition to my collection of cds... yuna ito! haha love her loads too since "endless love" which was one of the theme songs in the first NANA movie... then there was "precious" which was wonderful too... currently listening to this cd now... ^^ and feeling damn contented =)

well, i seldom buy jpop cds since it's so hard to get them at cheap prices here and i have a slight dislike for hmv, since they do charge cds at higher prices than normal... but i'm glad i dropped by there today and got these 2 cds haha! now if only they can ship angela aki's today album faster to singapore... =S

i felt my wallet burn when i spent almost 50bucks on these 2 cds in a single day... and wait till i turn and look at yu chun... she spent a freaking 170+++ bucks on cds at hmv! damn they should have some sort of membership card just for her... i feel the pain for her wallet but she seems indifferent to it somehow... so... haha! guess she's used to burning her wallet out for cds and dvds... ^^ but pls! next time try not to do this kind of stunts anymore k? it's bad for... my heart. LOL.

photos photos and more photos!

these are taken during our ktv session one day before my birthday with my ntu clique... the photos are not that clear so bear with them ^^

yay! ktv queens pey lun and me!!! XD

that's *from left to right* pey lun, me, edwin and nicholas!

it's a little dark... so why is edwin's handphone snatching the limelight? lol~

erms all of a sudden my eye seemed ultra big... lol~ and nicholas looked like he's napping!

squeeze pey lun! woohoo!

the ktv session was shiok! but not shiok enough for me because for those who know me, 3 hrs of ktv is simply NOT ENOUGH! haha ok lah ignore me and my craziness... anyway the cake upstairs was really yummy and i really enjoyed the entire ktv session... ^^ thanks again to everyone! and thanks to wen lin for taking these photos!














sometimes... i wonder if thinking too much is a good thing. i think i've kinda stopped dwelling too much and too deep into matters. well it did make me happier a little, because i don't feel vexed over matters i can't arrive at a satisfactory solution. sometimes i do miss the times when i'll rack my brains out thinking about big philosophical ideas, but when i do get frustrated and depressed about how negative things seem in the real world, this doesn't look nor feel that good. so i told myself not to think so much, and as a result i guess i'm becoming more and more bimbotic... ok maybe not since i don't fulfill the boobs criteria =(

"girls are supposed to enjoy dolling themselves up and only go for superficial looks." hmmms i wonder how true that is. how about changing the subject from girls to guys? guys are not much better, but i suppose most girls do like to doll up themselves. afterall, it's not a crime to look pretty isn't it? but i think looking good and having inner beauty can co-exist, and it is not necessary for them to be mutually exclusive.

sometimes i think... is it really that easy for people to fall in and out of love? ok this idea came from one of my favourite manga haha... in general, looking about a lot of people around me, it seems to be the case. people can break up with their previous boyfriend/girlfriend and get attached again like... 1 week after the breakup? as though nothing had happened before? i wonder what's true love then... is it just someone trying to be stubborn to enforce such an idealistic "love" where one will spend ages waiting for the other, or to force oneself to continue loving the other. wait. this idea sounds familiar... i think i heard it from he fang or something before? hmmms...

it's how strange all these floating thoughts in my head can swim around for a really long time, seemingly totally unrelated to one another, and then all of a sudden, pom! they link up as one general idea and make total sense as compared to the original gibberish. wonders of the human brain?

back to the idea of people falling in and out of love quickly... somehow this world seems so superficial... sometimes i wonder if i'm superficial like those people i kind of despise... haha... maybe superficial not in the relationship sense? ok maybe i'm superficial when it comes to relationships too, because i must admit, when i see someone for the first time, i do form judgements to a certain extent based on that person's looks. and it'll be good if my future boyfriend isn't too bad looking too. but somehow... this whole idea of being so shallow about relationships... it disgusts me. like how some guys can just go chasing a girl when they barely know each other. i want to puke when i see some of these guys trying to sweet talk girls in hope of earning themselves a cute girlfriend. do they only think about their bottom and not their upper torso? =S

and sometimes, i'm skeptical about this whole notion of love. i feel that humans are selfish by nature. we'll love ourselves more than we love others... so when someone claims that they like you... could it just be that that guy/girl just wants to enjoy the presence and existence of a girlfriend/boyfriend? how many would be able to truly love their other partners more than they love themselves? well, i think it's not necessary to have such unconditional love. or rather, it's not practical, because when only one party in the relationship is giving this unconditional love, it will very likely be taken for granted. since it's not good to love unconditionally, and the motive for love itself doesn't seem to be pure itself, why love? is it just to chase away loneliness or just for one to show off or something? why even expose yourself to possible hurt in the future when the relationship turns bad?

ok lah, that's enough for now... right now i need sleep... zzz...