stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stressed!!!

wow. even typing that line makes me feel stressed.

waking up this morning, only to feel stressed up instead of feeling refreshed. try waking up next day when u have lagged your tutorials for two core subjects which one of the lecturers go through only 3 slides from the whole chapter of lecture notes, and tell u to go home and read your own textbook when the textbook doesn't even help u in solving tutorial questions. and you have no idea whether you can cope the other subject cos u're lagging so badly. plus the elective which you physically attend the lecture, but ur soul is floating somewhere else besides inside the lt...

makes me wonder if i just did something stupid to kill myself in the semester again. sighz.

on a side note, i just realised a few days ago that i have 8 papers in comparison to others' 6 papers in the coming exam. wow i feel like... holy shit. -_-

and oh yes, i have a lab report due in 2 weeks time. remember that. -_-

i dreamt of gates this morning. not logic gates, you electronics freak. it looked like gates from the mrt station, except they're extremely narrow... for kids from a few months to 1-5 years old -_- i can't remember why i was trying to get past them... but i can't squeeze through all of them *duhhz*... except finally before i woke up, i managed to squeeze through the 1-5 year old gate. i wonder if it's a bad omen of me not able to get past my exams n stuff... haiz...

sighz. thinking about this whole thing from another perspective, it's just all misplanning of my time. i wanted to do tutorial yesterday night after school, but i ended up watching youtube all the way until my head hits the bed. when i wanted to do my tutorial i just felt like sleeping *well my "study table" is next to my bed wahahaha* maybe i should force myself to study out like i did last time... but it's hard to find that self motivation... i felt like i lost it totally already... damn demoralised... especially with that lecturer who dumped us the whole chapter of notes to self study... i wanna relax a little but i feel so damn tensed up now that it's irritating me. =X

so many things i wanna do, so little time. sighz. i just want my clone.

resolution resolution resolution.

ok. this mini new year resolution is a little late, but...

i promise i shan't watch youtube till 1+am when i have school at 830 the next day.

and sometimes... maybe i just think too much. to the extent of getting a headache over nothing. that feeling sux.

had been talking to my lecture/tutorial mate to pass time during our break *cos he had a 1hr break while i had 2hr break ='(* don't know why... it seems like i haven't really talked to someone besides my close friends at such length for such a long time... quite a lot of things came to my mind...

how do we judge people's personalities? do we judge by how things look to us? some actions taken can be interpreted in so many different ways, so how do we know whether our perceptions are the "true" meaning behind that person's actions?

sometimes people fall in love at first sight... why? is it just physical attraction? if that's the case, can it be considered as true love? wait what's true love in the first place lolx...

what does the idea of being kind mean? does it mean donating to charity, or going way out to help people? what if when someone donates to charity, he/she is just doing it to look good infront of others? or maybe he/she donates to that charity cos of personal reasons? *like family/relative is under that particular charity organisation* is that still considered as "kindness"? same thing goes to going way out to help people... maybe the one doing that has some hidden motive or feels guilty cos of something he did before?

i suppose we generalise too much... we frame the idea of a certain action as a gesture of kindness... what exactly is kindness? is it the act or the thought behind it?

take for example, our mom... every mother in the world *i generalise* wants their child to become good adults... our mum screams at our poor results and our bad habits and so on... so is that just being picky or mean? what about the "kindness" behind the action?

bottom line : things aren't what it seems. don't go about making a conclusion on your own just based on the things you see, for your eyes can deceive you...

omgs why do i seem to like typing about this kind of "philosophical" stuff when i'm having breaks in school these days? rawr. just lemme end school already.

i wanted to blog about this yesterday, but i lost the feel for it...

happiness is... munching on a steaming meatbun on a cold rainy day, and to be sitting next to a bunch of friends just doing nothing...

yes! finally the big move from old blogger to the new blogger!

time check : 1:27am on a sunday morning. what am i doing here? dazing with a mild headache most likely from the alcohol intake earlier. despite the supposedly "drowsy" effect one gets from excess alcohol which i should have now, after bathing and water-parading, i feel as though i just woke up. *well i did... i woke up from being seh~*

been thinking about this whole idea for the past week. yes it's damn clique, my sis has blogged about it a long time ago, and i think the entry below will probably sound like some gp essay, but heck i'm going to voice my thoughts on my blog. it's mine. don't read it if u dun like. rawr! <-- effects of alcohol still evidents lol~

what is beauty? is it something that is colourful, or something that abides to the golden ratio? is beauty something about one's looks? when we see someone across the street, we start making some mental impressions like... oh that girl's so beautiful! or.. omgs that guy just looks ugly with that set of clothing. do we ever think a little deeper to ourselves whenever we make such opinions about others, that we can't judge beauty just by looks?

society has formed us in such a way that we follow the notions of beauty our community has formed with the "help" of media... like for example, a while ago girls are so crazy over guys with single eye lids cos it's supposed to mean the guy is cute. or a egg-shaped face is supposed to mean one's chio... or even, as stereotyped by many, a girl with big eyes is pretty. however, is someone without these traits ugly?

sadly, people these days, especially those who have grown up and have lesser and lesser time to interact with others, have to resort to judging one's beauty just by looks. we no longer have the time and effort to display our "inner" beauty or even "inner" ugliness if we have the outer looks to others, because we're all in a rush for time, with no time to explain ourselves.

even if we decide to abandon the guidelines set aside by the society to perceive beauty, how can we decide whether one has inner beauty? must that person abide to some specific characteristic? like to be kind and giving, gentle? or those that always put others before themselves?

i'm really drawn to the latest manga i'm crazy over... it talks about the idea of beauty and the ugly side of it. there's always two sides to the coin -- no matter how beautiful something is, there's something ugly about it... nothing's perfect in the world... this is probably what it means...

i'm really touched by something i saw today -- at my friend's birthday celebration, her crush gave her flowers and sort of "confessed" his feelings to her... a beautiful start of a new relationship on a rainy night on her birthday... it was so sweet and beautiful that i almost wanted to cry. but *i'm just being pessimistic, i'm so sorry amelia* i thought about how something sweet and beautiful will have ugly side to it... like... *i'm so sorry i'm so sorry! i'm not cursing u or anything!* a relationship is always beautiful when u start out, but once u go further things might get ugly....

so what exactly is beauty? i don't know the answer to that, i only know what's ugly. like selfishness. wilfulness. rotten food, cockroaches, lizards, moths... etc. i never like ugly things. like myself. all i can see of myself are my imperfections. i'm ugly. i know no one's perfect in the world, but strangely i can see and admire others' strength in character despite their imperfections, but not for me at all. i hate myself to the core... if not for those who care about me or my parents who gave me my body, i'll probably not be in this world or have started cutting myself or something. but i'm still alive. and i don't know why haha.

my ugliness is probably my lack of confidence. and my inability to try to discover whatever strengths i might have. being unable to shine, unable to seek happiness? what's happiness in the first place? is it simply a hot drink on a cold day? or being able to soak in the pool or to eat ice-cream on a hot day? i tend to forget this small kind of happiness really easily... and i kinda hate myself for that.

is eternity considered as beauty? i used to think that eternal love is... but then i realised that never existed. so is beauty all a pointless chase over something inexistent in our world? they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. for something that one can neither see nor touch, is it still beautiful? if something non-existent can't be considered as beautiful, then are the changes that destroyed eternity beautiful? even for something eternal, sometimes it can't be beautiful... like if we only have eternal nights, would we be able to appreciate its beauty without comparing it to the beauty/ugliness of day?

i suppose beauty is all subjective. so is every other abstract idea in the world probably. we always need to have something to compare with another to determine how beautiful something is.

a strange thought just popped up in my mind -- could it be that when comparing one's looks, we consider something that we don't have as beautiful cos we can never obtain it? like for girls with small eyes, they'll think others with big eyes are beautiful. someone else's possessions are beautiful because we don't own them. haha now things are starting to make a little more sense to me...

wow this brings me to other thoughts about other issues : the issue of greediness. we're never satisfied with what we have -- like young kids who always complain to their mums about whichever toy their friends have but they do not own, how we're unable to immerse in the small little happiness we have from our daily lives and envy how enriching and beautiful other people's lives are... well long way to go down that path, so i shall stop here for now...

just another 2 days to school reopening! after much complaints, nagging and so on, i finally decide to sit down and tidy up my study tables on a nice sunny saturday afternoon where people are supposed to go out and play. why! tell me why!

anyway, here's how terrible my table looks *that's y i had to clear it up today =(* presenting to you... my study/laptop table! *btw, it's near my living room...*

how does that look to you? if you think it's still ok... wait till u see my second study table! *or rather, coffee table that's in my room...*

err.... apologies to the poor photo taking skills... somehow no matter how i take the picture it'll always turn out bad. cos of the lighting of the room... no windows opened, curtains closed, never turn on lights... yar u get the idea... all sort of stuffs on my coffee table that's right next to my bed : 花ざかりの君たちへ manga, 花样少年少女 OST, erms... lyrics book from 梁静茹's latest album.... er the black thing is my laptop cover, blue octopus is my... erms... the thing to hit my back when it aches... yeap... my post it pad, handiplast, calculators... and well... a roll of toilet paper... too poor to buy a box of tissues lmao! the things under my table are all my notes n files... and i've already done a bit of packing of it already... else it'll look even worse...

while packing... some interesting discoveries...

er... sorry for the lousy lighting... this was my diary... i mean it still is, but i no longer write in it... it used to record my memories of my previous relationship, so when i re-read this again somehow the painful memories came back, but then i'm okies... i think i'll have cried if this happened a year ago but hey, i'm stronger now XD

and yes! i found my s.h.e file! free promotion gift from their forever album, it's so nice that up till now i still dun bear to use it hehex... er the file looks nicer than the picture due to my lack of photo shooting skills... hehex~

and..... *drum rolls* after 4 hours of packing *are u serious?*... this is how the end result looks like...

erms.... though u probably can't tell much of a difference between the before and after for the lower compartment of my coffee table... but hey! at least things look neater... though some other parts of the room looks messier... hehex~ but oh well i don't care already, i've done my part so my mum can't nag at me again! bwahahahaha~

3rd january! start of the new year! *well not exactly the real start, but somewhere around there*

and what am i doing here at 9:10am which is supposed to be my sleeping time now? camping for my subject registration. -_-

some things to make my sleepy brain jerk awake... school starts in another 5 days time... things yet to be done : pack my table(s), start looking for new tuition deals blah blah blah. and yes! i haven't set my new year's resolutions! and here it goes.... the countdown to my new year resolutions!

1. lose some weight! *er notice the keyword here is some*

2. improve on my results! *being on the border of 4.5 is making me extremely nervous...*

3. get a job with good pay! i'm poor poor poor...

4. after getting a job, i must save! *yar i spend money like flowing water =(*

5. improve on time management! *my last year was... hectic. -_-*

6. to revert back to my old self =)

7. to seek inner peace *which i think i've acheived last year but i'll put it here again =)*

yeap... er... 7 here... not a lot not too little either... the first 5 are more realistic and can be accomplished... but the last 2... er... i have no idea how to reach this kind of goal... hehex... will take my time to settle down... and try to be more cheerful. hopes for 2007 : WORLD PEACE! my foot. i was jokings lol... hope that my friends wherever they are will be happy, and of course i hope i'll be happy too lol~ time to seek happiness! but not at the expense of others and my responsibilities as well lol...

er... i said i'll be changing my blog layout... but sadly i lack the "resources" to do that lol... i wanted to draw something for the new layout, but haven't set out to do so yet *even though it's an extremely simple one* cos i can't decide to draw on paper and scan in, or to draw straight on the computer or something... i think the latter is better but i don't have the kind of pen to do that... in other words. i'm lazy and trying to look for excuse. lol! school term approaching means not much time left to accomplish the little goal i set for myself last year... so... ahems.

and my anime blog! i hope i can plan my time properly so that i can properly blog the good stuff i watch weekly... though it seems to me that the fansubs are a little irregular in their release of subbed episodes, but hey! i'm not complaining... trying to slack while there are no releases lol... goal for anime blog : try to get more hits from other pple lol... *starts refreshing anime blog browser like crazy*

to all readers out there! have a great year ahead and may all ur dreams n wishes for 2007 come true~!