late in the night at around 1.30am now...

feeling tireds... back aching like siao... but strangely i don't wanna sleep...

don't wanna admit i'm tireds... don't wanna stop in my path now...

keep running... till the finishing line...

where is the finishing line? it seems so far away...

is the finishing line the day when i finish my exams? or is it the day i lay in eternal slumber?













i've come to admit that no matter what, what that has to happen will happen. there's no way to avoid that. maybe i'm being extremely fatalistic now... i tried to "challenge" fate... i don't know whether i look forward to what fate brings to me... jokes or pain or whatever... i don't even know whether i cared what was going to happen to me. loads of thoughts passing through my mind quickly... without giving me the chance to catch them, to conceptualise them... listening to ah mei's 我要快乐... thinking about a poem i saw a long time ago... "i hate how u make me not hate u. not even a single bit" *ok this was based on memory... exact poem look through my archives* thinking about the distant past which somehow didn't hurt as much as before. it's good that things seem to have faded. i'm still learning to move on... to live independently without much support from others. i guess the only person one can depend on is yourself. take care of yourself before you can think of taking care of others. all these sound so easy to be done... but of course. it's the converse.

there are times i think my life is a joke. seriously... i think i messed up my life quite a number of times until i have no idea where i am heading. i'm just following whatever the road brings me to...

there are also times when i feel totally helpless down my life path... like i have absolutely no control over the things that were about to happen... even if i knew it was coming... even if i tried to do anything to stop it from happening... the inevitable will still occur... you taught me that.

there are also times when i feel totally stupid... trying to tell myself repeatedly the lies i've made up for you... to explain for the things that have happened... that it wasn't intentional... that it didn't mean anything...

there are times when i just feel like stoning... stopping in the middle of the path and wait for some miracle to happen to move me. tired of making the bad choices. tired of getting hurt. tired of running for some unknown goal. what is the purpose of life itself? i have no idea at all. opps this could become depressing if such a thought persists...













computing quiz tomolo! i've promised bing hui i would finish physics tutorial tonites and i'm slacking away... playing all my games throughout the night... haven't finished studying computing too! i wanna give up already... procrastination at its peak tonites... pre-exam stress probably? strangely playing games did not make me destress at all... in the end i'm a little more stressed cos i haven't done what i'm supposed to do... sighz...

staying over at yin yin's n shian chi's room tml... meaning i might waste my night again tml... sighz~ exams are coming! do buck up sotong! =(

《明日歌》

明日復明日，明日何其多；

我生待明日，萬事成蹉跎。

世人苦被明日累，春去秋來老將至。

朝看水東流，暮看日西墮；

百年明日能幾何，請君聽我明日歌。

i guess i'm really tireds. that's y i no longer have the strength to further suppress those feelings... those memories of you.












today i'm officially fired. lolx that sound furnies... imagine someone using a flamethrower... then the target's butt caught fire... ouch. ok i'm crapping... wahaha~ fired from tuitioning hillview kid... oh well it's something i ought to be relieved about... i had been complaining about not having enough time to do all the things i want... now i get my wish. but strangely i did not feel happy at all. the lesson today i actually fell asleep while trying to teach her for so many times that i gave up trying to teach her and gave her work to do while i sit and continue to stone. i felt that this is probably karma despite how her mum was telling me they wanted her to be independent and study on her own... they didn't think it was my fault *or at least that's how her mum put is*... but somehow i felt a little bad... maybe i didn't work hard enough... sighz...













volleyball yesterday was super fun! if not for shing yeong who wanted to leave early.. i bet i'll have played with them until... maybe... today? LOL... despite whatever feelings i had i guess i have sorta learnt to put them at bay while i enjoy volleyball... maybe that's one of the reasons y i love volleyball so much.
not forgetting the other reasons as well. you included perhaps?
and i finally managed to get my upperhand surf over! ok i dunno wad's the real term for that surf... but it felt good that at least i've made some improvement and not sabotage my team mates that much... though... ahems. i have learnt the wrong technique of using my feet to catch the ball from this guy whose volleyball techniques are quite zai... opps... volleyball supposed to be a "gentle" game.. then now i play until so chor lor... omg... -_-'''













exams coming in... 20 days time... haven't got the time to revise my stuff yet... haven't even caught up with tutorials. what the hell am i doing now. i'm even too tired to cry now. maybe it's karma for me being so caught up with myself. lolx... y do i keep talking about karma in this entry? reminds me of my sis class' favourite phrase... "bad karma"... haha... ok i'm down with bad karma... peace be with me... -_-'''

effective com presentation tml... i am just praying hard that i don't jinx my team mates... cos... so far all the projects i've done... i've never had good results... pw got a "b", the previous effective com assignment i've gotten a "b" again... while everybody else in the world gets "a"... talk about being stressed... -_- sighz... i just wish everything will go well tml...

japanese... i'm so dead... haven't touched the 5 pages of homework at all... crying wun even help now... and my family are bickering now... which doesn't make things better... i wish life could be a little easier... but obviously things aren't that easy...

which brings to mind the cinematics pleasure test yesterday... haiz another quiz gone down the drain... qingyu qingyu u better buck up and stop procrastinating! geez...













all i wish for now is a good rest. and for you to fade away from my thoughts.

或许只有到了夜深人静的时候，才能放下面具，真实地面对真正的自己。

明明说要忘却，没想到忘得不够透彻。。。

没关系，再努力，没关系。。。

tireds.

super duper tireds. i feel like i'm a battery which ran flat.

had diarrhoa again this morning... woke up at 530am, ran to toilet, ate medicine, went back to sleep, woke up again at 8am, mad rush for toilet, then went back to sleep... now wake up, decide that i shall put off the tuition, feeling the weird rumblings of my stomach... sighz.

project laters... i'm afraid that i'm not able to do well for it... sighz... come to think of it maybe i always cannot do well for projects... all the groups i'm with always kanna jinxed by me... oral presentation somemore? geez... i might appear to be able to speak well infront of large groups of people, but then again, i guess not... i'm no longer confident of doing these things... =X

not enough time to do all the things i have to do and want to do... there's exams coming in about 24 days time, tutorials not yet done, volleyball, tuition... plus resting time (which includes sleeping and playing ps2... wahaha!) ok kindly ignore the ps2 part... talking about sleep, i can't believe that i slept on the 2 hour bus journey until i bang my head against the grey partition of the window... and i think i banged it quite loudly... super painful... now still pain... sobz...

yesterday night still cannot sleep well cos of the stomachache... got alot of things to focus on... like to catch up on studies... thinking about our trip to japan... then how to improve my vball skills so that someday i can have a good match with other zai pple in my cca... how to improve my students' grades... how to allocate time so that i have enough rest time as well... playing time can be cut short, but i guess i definitely need more sleep time... haiz...

and so now, before i go off for project, juz lemme nap for 1 more hour... =S

ENDLESS STORY

yay! i finally found the kanji lyrics! here you go...

Endless Story
Yuna Ito

If you haven’t changed your mind
そばにいてほしいよ Tonight

強がることに疲れたの
幼すぎたの Everytime I think about you baby
今なら言える I miss you
It’s so hard to say I’m sorry

たとえば 誰かのためじゃなく あなたのために
歌いたい この歌を
終わらない story 続くこの輝きに
Always 伝えたい ずっと永遠に

Memories of our time together
消さなで このまま don’t go away

あたたかく溶けだして 確かめるの
優しさのしずく この胸にひろがってく
切ないほどに I’m missing you
重ねた手 離さないで

たとえば 叶うなら もう一度あなたのために
歌いたい この歌を
終わらない story 絶え間ない愛しさで
tell me why 教えてよ ずっと永遠に

たとえば 誰かのためじゃなく あなたのために
歌いたい この歌を
終わらない story 続くこの輝きに
Always 伝えたい ずっと永遠に

たとえば 叶うなら もう一度あなたのために
歌いたい この歌を
終わらない story 絶え間ない愛しさで
tell me why 教えてよ ずっと永遠に

how can i even forget the most important things in life...

never depend on others.

and...

never to have any expectations... because... when your expectations fail, the only person who's hurt is you.













it's almost been a year... maybe more, maybe less... come to think of it, i can't even recall which is the exact day. it shouldn't matter now anyway, not that thinking about it will change things...

somehow the tightness in my heart is still there, strangely...

it wouldn't change anything even if i try to search for the reasons, or to try convince myself for the reason y things happened... be it my fault, or the other's fault... i've been trying to convince myself this fact for one year... sometimes it gets to my brain, other times i might just have forgotten for that moment, and things get to me.

the things i've done... the things i have now... those memories... i should have said goodbye to them once i have turned my back and walked away... the reason why i am myself... the reason why i was myself... all because of my foolishness... how i foolishly chased after that so called love of my life... how people are willing to endure pain and suffering just for that moment of happiness... it's all bullshit now that i recall it.

if only i had been more mature and less rash, probably it would have saved us both from pain. or maybe for me only. nothing else mattered. not whether the things u've said were the truth or lies from the beginning till the end. maybe you were trying to make me feel better. maybe i was simply thinking too much. but that's enough. we both understand that we don't want each other to pity the other. and we understand no matter what happens, things can never revert back to the past.

no need for any teary goodbyes. no need for a smile anyway. just... let it go and fade into the past, like the wind gently carassing one's face...













lecture today was about humour. strangely i didn't find it really humourous... the movie shown was Charlie Chaplin's Modern Times... mocking at the Fordian production and capitalist stuff... i sure laughed at the things that happened in the movie... but... somehow i felt i wasn't truely laughing... but i guess the purpose of the movie was to make you laugh despite whether u really found it extremely hilarious or you laughed along because you laugh at how cruel life is and things like that.

smile. that was one of the themes of the movie. smile when u're feeling down, smile when u're on the verge of breaking down... cry can't help solve problems anyway, so smile... because for all you know, the sun might be shining down on you the next day... the lecturer was sorta critising the silly song on smile... how smile can't solve problems... but we all need some form of optimism to keep us going in life. i wanted to laugh right out there... what if we don't need that form of optimism? shall we go on crying everyday?

i shall practise smiling everyday then.













two songs are running in my head now... they've both got the same melody, but they are in different languages... thanks to nana the movie... made me laugh and cry about a lot of things in life... i guess i can really connect with the manga and the characters there... =)




想念你的歌
歌手 : 张惠春 saya 专辑 : 想念你的歌

是否曾经后悔过
那时候扶起说走就走
是否偶尔想过我
所以埋怨我
每当听你的下落
逞强常常让人无法负荷
躲起来边哭边说 i miss you
还舍不得把你封锁

星光闪烁 如何拥有
站在远方才看见星空的轮廓
虽然有时候会寂寞
墙上时钟停格
你说放开手才会快乐
用半生的脉搏 写成想念你的歌

该怎么才能让你懂呢
谁对谁错已经模糊了 忘记了
我们都处理得有点笨拙
已经从来没有
像这一次如此爱过
想念常让我无法负荷
常常只有一个念头 i miss you
我的爱情从来没有死掉过

星光闪烁 如何拥有
站在远方才看见星空的轮廓
虽然有时候会寂寞
墙上时钟停格
你说放开手才会快乐
用半生的脉搏写成想念你的歌







Endless Story
Singer : Yuna Ito (NANA movie soundtrack)

If you haven’t changed your mind
sobani ite hoshii yo TONIGHT
tsuyogaru koto ni
tsukareta no
osana sugi ta no
Everytime I think about you baby
ima nara ieru “I miss you”
It’s so hard to say i’m sorry

tatoeba dareka no tame
jya naku
anata no tameni
utaitai kono uta wo
owaranai STORY
tsuzuku kono kagayaki
ALWAYS tsutaetai
zutto eien ni

Memories of our time together
kesenai de kono mama doko he
atatakaku tokedashite tashikameru no
yasashisa no shizuku
kono mune ni hirogatteku
setsunai hodo ni I’m missing
kasaneta te hanasanaide

tatoeba kanau nara
mou ichido anata no tameni
utaitai
kono uta wo
owaranai STORY
taemanai itooshisade
Tell me why, oshiete yo
zutto eien ni

tatoeba dareka no tame jya naku
anata no tameni utaitai kono uta wo
owaranai STORY
tsuzuku kono kagayaki
ALWAYS tsutaetai zutto eien ni




*shall go find the japanese version of this song lyrics soon...*

i guess u're right...

overly stubborn, easily depressed.

i guess at least you kinda understood me...

so i'm not that much of a loner as i thought.

i shall not let history repeat itself. history will not repeat itself.

rain rain go away...

够了。到此为止。












ok highly crappy and "deep" entry coming up... don't say i didn't warn you...













i realised... no matter what i do, no matter when, be it in the past present and probably in the future, i can never win in any kind of argument with guys. i can never get what i want them to do... just take for example today... my brother borrowed my laptop to do something, and moved it from its original position... when i reached home i just told him to put it back for me since he was the one who took and used it, and he should be responsible for putting it back. he ignored me and was concentrating on his game... then i tried to annoy him *ok maybe i asked for it myself*... i tried to poke him at the "soft" spot for most pple... then he reacted by grabbing my hand with force, rubbing my middle finger's joint against the chair... and the result? now my finger joint is swollen... big blue black there... and it hurts like siao... i play volleyball oso wun hurt that much despite all the blue blacks when i first started playing... sighz... and he didn't even say sorry or anything... not that i wanted him to apologise or anything... it just hurts... how guys always ignore what girls have to say just because they think u're not important and stuff...

just like one year ago.

i remember now... everything kept flowing back... the nights when my tears used to help me wash my face... how i tried to talk to someone who kept ignoring me... even a year later, though it is no longer of any importance, the questions still linger in my mind... coming back into picture every now and then... why did this happen? if you didn't mean it, then why did u do so? i guess up till now i still cannot let go...













haha~ nowadays... loads of my friends are attatched all of a sudden! super duper happy for them! pple like my fellow girlfriend shingy... sundoll guy... *his kanojo is my friend's elder sis!!! the world is so so small!* haha dunno y i share their joy in finding their other half! or maybe it's their joy that's spreading to me...

yet... when it comes to myself, i feel nothing. nothing to look forward to anyway. it is nice to have someone u can talk to in depth... someone u know u can trust... someone who will be there when u need him/her... but somehow it doesn't seem likely that it'll happen to me. not that i'm desperately looking for one either.. haha! to a certain extent i think i sound like yuchun! lolx~

what is love? hahaha~ wad a profound question... till now i still couldn't figure out the foolproof answer... all my past definitions on love had been proven wrong through the past 2-3 years... oh this sounds like a scientist trying to prove some hypothesis! unfortunately love... such a "philosophical" and spiritual entity cannot be defined in simply black and white.. there are so many different sides of love... the idealised version of love as shown on tv serials and movies... oh how i love those kind of love... everybody will have a happy ending... everybody will live happily ever after... but how "realistic" are these anyway... even if a couple marries happily... what happens after that? they have kids, husband gets into an affair... couple eventually gets divorced? we are only shown the happy lovey-dovey sides of love... all the pain and hurt one goes through in the process... we view it as a process... where we'll all be happy and live happily ever after after all those suffering we experienced... ok i sound like i'm preaching... this sounds like what my lecturer was saying in my elective... oh well i guess i totally agree with him in this aspect then...

the thing i can't understand is that... y is it that people are willing to sacrifice themselves and expose themselves to all the pain and hurt just for that one single moment of "happiness" or so they call... to me it's just like u spend all your credits for "purchasing" happiness in one go, and for the rest of ur life u'll be poor... in that case i'd rather not be so happy for that one moment and spread out the happiness in my life, that is if i ever have the choice... or if it's possible, maybe i can experience all the pain in one shot, then live happily for the rest of my life. that is bullshit of course. life is not that easy. -_-

i think i've reiterated that point for quite a number of times in my blog already... haha!

love is... countless nights spent waiting for a single sms from the one you kept thinking about... love is about the sleepless nights one have after a fiery quarrel... love is about the times one tries to please the other through gifts, sweet words or some romantic actions...

love is about accepting one for who he/she is... love is about commitment... love is about giving and forgiving... love is about communication...

i think the previous paragraph is enough to scare some people away... the huge words like commitment... i wonder how many people out there are actually willing and ready to commit themselves to a relationship... besides, it is easy to receive, but to give is hard... forgiving others is even harder... communication is extremely important... it is the way how u get to know one another better... but once u understand more about one.... the positive and negative traits of that person... are you able to still love him/her for who he/she is? it is easy to say that u do... but when that actually happens to you, will you be able to keep to the thing u've said?

i guess perhaps my ideas on love is simply too naive and idealistic... it is not something that will exist in real life... i once thought true love is everlasting... but then again, i guess not... perhaps... love... is like some kind of canned food... there's an expiry date... once it expires, it's no longer love... for a couple together, once beyond the expiry date, they might break up or still stay together just because they feel guilty if they suggested the breakup. then in this whole case... what is the point of coming together to start a relationship if in the very end it'll end in a breakup? of course, there are ways of extending the expiry date... and i can safely assume... not a lot of couples can achieve that...

and so to end off... i hope that all existing couples out there and those couples-to-be... to slowly discover the ways of maintaining a relationship and to treasure each other... it is not easy to find one another in such a huge world with a few billion pple of totally different personalities... let me see more happy endings and maybe, i'll change my perception on love and become slightly more optimistic... =)

cheers to pansy, huang weixiang, shingy n sundoll guy! *plus all other couples i know out there =)*

i wish life was easier.

i missed the sensation when ur body is extremely tireds, but ur mind just don't feel like resting yet.

and i realised that all of a sudden i cannot remember a single thing about what happened 1 year ago...

rest in peace.

life sux... and my actions are not making life much better...













sometimes, i wish i was the old me... the withdrawn, slightly introverted, more modest me... and to be someone more sensitive. i hate the times when the things popping out of my mouth these days puts other people down indirectly. what has gotten into me? where did the modesty go to?

other times, i just wish i wasn't me at all. so that i didn't have to know of how others would have felt because i felt the same way in the past. and this becomes unbearable for me to do the things that had once happened to me. but i wonder if it'll hurt others more in the future...

i wish life is simpler... but obviously, life is not as simple as what you think.

i guess even the sundoll keychain charm wouldn't work now...













on a side note, chuangyi manga sale at bookfest 2006 is coming soon! i'm going to save up a little bit of money to get more manga!!! muahahaa.... ok that's one thing to look forward to... despite all the upcoming exams in almost a month's time... which i haven't started revising yet! omg i sound like a nerdy freak... lolx~ and i've signed up for volleyball twice a week starting next week, plus i've gotta find time to play ffx! ahh!!! god pls give me more time! *though the motivations behind this is utterly morally questionable... lolx~*

i wanna eat japanese buffet! a few days ago... i had a dream of a delicious spread of japanese food in front of me... and just before i was going to "test" the food... i woke up. -_- oh man! i really wished i didn't have to wake up then... =( oh well... hope that my "dream" will turn into reality soon...

and i wanna go japan soon! just asked sundoll guy(cos his car got this cute sundoll... lolx! same as my sundoll keychain...) for his opinion on where to go in japan... then he suggest that should go in june... cos then we can see sakura blooming! but weixiang says december... haiz... winter... should be quite cold... =S but i don't mind the snow... since i've never seen real snow in my whole life before! oh man i think i sound super swaku...

first things first though, will be to go manga fest! next would be to start studying for the semester exams... and also to try and complete the ps2 game at the same time... must improve my jap! sighz... i'll have a super long way to go, i guess... =S

and yes, sorry that i have sorta broken my "promise" to post something of substance... as most of u guys can observe, my posts are getting crappier n crappier... =X oh well hang in there! it's coming soon! lolz... *if there's anyone reading my blog, that is... =(*