fRuStRaTeD~~~~

haiz... todae tot i was in quite a good mood ar... went for erhu lesson todae.. surprisingly.. i noe i'm really not up to standard ar.. but xls din scold me like she does towards sujuan.. arrgh.. dunno y lehz.. if she got nag at me den i probably wun feel so stressed ar.. but when she's nice to me.. i'll feel like i need to work really really hard to meet up her expectations.. hahas.. diao.. i think i'm super weird... can't stand pple being nice to me ar... hahas... think tt makes me easy to manipulate though.. hahas...

dunno lehz.. sometimes.. the nicer pple are towards me.. the more insecure i feel ar... maybe.. cos i dun understand y they are so nice to me bah.. it's like... firstly.. i'm not worth them being nice to me.. cos in the first place i'm not tt nice to them.. and secondly.. r they nice to me becoz they want something out of me? hahas.. silly lehz... but i think... i cannot fully escape from tt ying yin which still affects me a little...

sighz... wanna practise wif my sis for xin hun bie todae.. but den again she not free.. feeling stressed and frustrated cos i'm scared i cmi for the exam which is only 4 days away... it's like every time when i'm free she's not, and vice versa... for tt i'm really really worried tt we cannot go for the exam together.. and i think tt's y my mood spoil ar.. hahas. diao...

hahas.. my blog was almost discovered by someone.. hahas.. weird ar... i'm scared tt someone finds their way here without my knowing.. weird ar.. hahas.. i suppose i'm juz really paraniod abt such stuff ar.. abt letting pple know more abt me... maybe cos i'm scared they'll get too close for comfort.. dunno ar...

kkz larz.. shall jiayouz for erhu.. :D

shalalalaz~~~~~ :D

wah... finally.. another dae is over...

hahas.. i think i muz b mad... early in the morning i was like feeling so moody..but at the end of the day i feel so happy and pleased wif myself... ar... stop it ar... u still have loads of stuff to work on... wah~~~

wah.. yesterdae... sujuan juz called me at the end of the co practice to tell me tt she'll not b taking the erhu exam wif me... saying tt she's really busy and xls was saying tt she cmi ar... when i heard tt i feel really demoralised and down.. cos i oso noe tt i cmi ar... i was really tired ar.. cos i have been practising really hard (or maybe it wasn't hard enuff) for the week and becoz i had to attend to other problems i face.. i feel really drained ar... was on the verge of giving up liaoz.. den sj called and told me her decision.. it really made me wonder if i should oso juz give up... cos.. i really wanna rest ar...

but... at the beginning of the year... i had actually xia ding jue xin.. when i started going for private lessons wif xls... i was sorta telling myself tt i'll be committed to taking the exam at the end of the year.... no matter how tough it would be.... den.. yesterdae was still chatting wif kelvin, weixiang.. den... dey all encourage me to jiayou... really touched by their support.. :D

so.. dis morning when i woke up.. still feeling quite stressed.. cos i felt that i din practise really really hard... still got loads of stuff i need to practise for my three songs... but in the end... cos yesterdae nite weixiang was telling me tt i need to get out of the house to relax... not to feel so sad... so i decided to go orchard to play pool wif the guys.. :D ... hahas.. it's my second time... hahas.. but i'm still so lousy... sotong jiu shi sotong mahz... hahas.. i can tell tt my shi fu.. weixiang... see me play oso a bit buay tahan.. cos my aiming really lousy.. hahas.. :P ... dui bu qi ar, kor.... shi fu hao tu di lan.... tt's y.. hahas... :P

den.. at the end of the dae.. went for the erhu lesson.... i was feeling nervous.. cos i dunno how to break the news to xls abt sj....but in the end... all turned out quite well ar... phew.. hahas.. at the end of the lesson xls was telling me tt i got improvement... yay~~~~ :D :D :D ... hahas.. finally the sweat and toil i put in showed a bit of result.. hahas.. :D :D :D ... i think i'm going mad wif joy.. hahas.. i think i'm mad... okies.. stop it ar... still got a lot of things to work on ar.. hahas.. hahas.. :P

wah.. all of sudden... i feel like this lesson and "encouragement" from xls brightened up my dae... okies ar.. wad's left of my dae.. hahas...juz hope i can continue to improve... den can pass my erhu exam.. yay~~~ :D

hahas.. in honour of my kor... :P

hahas.. promised my kor tt i'll set a post specially aside for him.. kor.. u happy a nots? :P

hahas.. weixiang ar... he's a really nice kor ar... he can always make me happy when he's around.. crapping lame jokes.. making furnie comments abt pple... :P really makes me laff my head off even when i'm really totally down... :D

he's oso a really nice person to confide to and to share secrets with.... really enjoy talking to him... to share our joys and sorrows.. he's definitely nicer than my first kor from ac.. tt horrible randy ar.. hahas.. :P (opps.. sorry kor.. ermz.. i mean... randy... :P)

hahas.. my first impression of him when i first met the klass is tt he's an outgoing person... someone who's pretty straightforward.. one who is capable... experienced when it comes to leadership stuff... someone others can probably look up to... but not someone who's very serious... someone who seemed to be influential.... but rather... in a somewhat negative way... i dunno how to put it.. cos when i first got to know him.. we still weren't close... den i see how he plays and hangs out wif our klassmates... he's like one major source of gossip.. (hahas.. juz like me..) den.. gives me the impression tt he's someone who can't really keep secrets... but i'm totally wrong.. and i'm really glad i'm wrong in this aspect.. :D

i'm really fortunate to get to noe u ar.. weixiang.. :D really hope tt we can be friends 4eva and for u to be my kor always... let us work hard during the hols to brush up on our studies together, kayz? :D

cheers.. :D

lemme wake up from this horrible dream...

todae is simply a horrible dae ar... think i screwed up loads of stuff....

haiz.. pw todae again... really wanna kill my brother... (the one in sec one, not weixiang...) he deleted my pw slides without asking me, and tt's the only copy i had... wah.. the moment i think of it, my headache comes back at full blast.... and he din even bothered to apologise lohz... haiz.. the more i think of it the more i wanna kill him...

he really reminds me of this person in my klass whom i dun like and both came from tchs... the thought of it makes me sick... my brother and yh.. becoming alike... it's like the two of them came out from the same mould... sickening...

haiz.. becoz of my brother's stupid action.. i got so scared and stressed abt pw.... haiz... went to school... saw my grp members there.. dunno how to face them ar.... i feel like i'm responsible ar.. den becoz of the deleted file, our grp had to work on the slides extra hard....

most of our klassmates are working in the com lab wif us to finish up our op for pw... den they were all waiting for us to go for lunch.... but.... juz as we were going to burn our file into the cd... guess wad? the com hang..... wah.. our files kanna deleted.. cos tt's how the coms in the lab work.. once it reboots, any files tt are not the original files which we found in the com would b deleted... wah... and it's all my fault.. cos i was too impatient... i knew tt the com was abt to hang... so i pressed ctrl + alt + del... din noe tt the files would be gone if i did tt.. sighz...

haiz.. i'm really thankful towards my grp members... weixiang and zhanxin... for being so understanding... haiz... i really feel like i did them a disservice.. always puting our grp into jeopady... (not sure abt spelling.. hahas...) haiz... yet they are still so nice to me... really touched... *sobz*

finally finished wif pw... went on to attend my erhu lesson.. things were as bad as always.. i couldn't memorise the scores for the song han gong qiu yue... sighz... really sad todae.. some more got a bad headache.. oso dunno why... maybe stressed ar... haiz...

juz feel like i'm living in this dream.. maybe the after effects from watching the matrix? hahas... if i'm really living a dream for this dae, i wanna wake up.... haiz...

haiz...

another dae juz passed...

dunno ar.. remember i said something tt i felt tt something is abt to happen? dunno.. somehow.. after my chat wif pansy.. tt feeling is coming back, strong than b4..

todae.. had pw... sighz... dunno y.. dunno whether it's my problem or sheila's... i feel like i offended sheila in some way or another... like she's super bu shuang wif me.... dunno ar.. maybe i'm juz too sensitive on my part.. but i remember todae.. i tried to carry something for her todae when she said dun try to, and she shot me this poisonous look as if she's going to kill me... this made me really pissed off... i wanna taunt her.. (dunno.. this ah lian in me izzit?) telling her tt i'm not scared of her shooting tt poisonous look at me.. (come on ar.. i think i can oso b as scary as her lohz.. tt look.. i mean.. dunno ar..) but then.. i dun wana make things worst, so i juz dropped her bag to let herself carry...

she remains as nice to all the pple around her except me.. at least tt's how i feel.. she seems really hostile... maybe i haven't been talking to her for some time... dunno ar.. but i feel that i'm at fault... maybe a little, but the main focus dun seem to be me lehz.. hahas.. i think all of us would choose to think that others are at fault before we think tt it's our own fault.. haha...

besides tt.. todae.. i finally had a good chat wif pansy todae... after op todae, i went out wif her for a meal.. :D hahas.. tried really good food.. eat until i still wanna eat.. go home still gobble up my dinner. hahas.. i think i'll turn into a pig at this rate ar.. hahas.. :P

i told her abt this feeling tt something is abt to happen... and she told me not to worry.. but it's after i told her this, i started to think more abt this, and tt feeling seems to grow stronger... dun understand y... dunno whether tt thing which is abt to happen is something good or bad... but.. i dun seem to like tt thing to happen... it's weird lar.. even i can't really explain it... maybe i'm afraid tt it would change the way i live my life... nola.. i dun think it would have such a huge impact.. ermz.. maybe.. how it might change the way i perceive things?

hahas.. she's talking abt her perfect wedding, den she decided not to tell me the details of wad she wants in order for her wedding to b a perfect one.. cos she scared tt i copy her.. hahas... den i told her i might not even get married in the first place.. hahas... dunno lehz.. i seem, no... i have this really pessimistic view abt love.. hahas.. sad case ar.. :P .. any way.. her first reaction was... are u going to b a spinster?... hahas... dunno ar... somehow.. i feel tt if in my lifetime i really din meet the person whom i'm going to marry becoz i love him or becoz fate binds ur together, i dun think i'll ever get married... hahas... somehow i juz have the feeling tt i'll never meet that special person..

haiz.. 10 more daes to 20 Nov.. i'm getting nearer and nearer to 1 Dec... to my erhu exam.. i noe i have to sit down and practise, but i'm can't seem to get into the "mugging" mode lehz.. dunno ar... juz feel like lazing around.. slacking around.. hahas... lazy bum.. :P

kkz larz.. tt's all for now.. gotta watch xi jie shao nian.. :P