孤单 是一个人的狂欢
狂欢 是一群人的孤单












i thought i had conquered it for a long time... never did i expect to come face to face with it again. face to face with my best friend again. what irony...

i really enjoy the company i get here... it's really fun cam-whoring during outings, going out to shop, buy groceries n stuff... it's great to have people whom i can relate to and understand pretty well... and to be crazy with... like doing all those crazy singing screaming jumping and dancing in ktvs... but...

i'm afraid of getting too attached to others... i'm afraid of becoming scared of being lonely again... once i have gotten so used to others around me, when i get back to my previous lifestyle of solitude (probably) i wouldn't be able to stand or tolerate the loneliness left behind...

i wonder what made me know how feeling lonely is like again...

and i wonder... if others feel the same way as i do...

i suppose, there are just some things that does not change with distance. perhaps i'm just being naive like i always do... or even childish (even a kid called me "a kid" today... omg~ haha) but i suppose, no matter where you are, what you do, your family is always behind you, "secretly" supporting you...

i accidentally stumbled across a pretty old blog post... i was feeling really down, and reading that post made my tears roll down my cheeks... i'm really glad i can make you feel this way... and i didn't know i could do this... ^^ haha funny i think about that post my tears will accumulate in my eyes... really thanks =)) i very touched =))













alcohol really doesn't help one feel better... ok maybe during the moment when u're high from the spirits, but after that, u're back stuck in that fix u left previously, or u might feel even worse (from the hangover maybe? haha) strangely, i found myself having the desire to drown whatever that was bothering me with alcoholic drinks that wouldn't make me drunk... bailey's is sitting in front of me without milk... i'm like dying to open up that bottle to just drink straight from it... and probably die from alcohol overdose or something... hahahahaha

this is just another vicious cycle that only makes one feel worse... especially in your pockets.

sometimes i wonder... why do i feel the way i do? sometimes in afterthought, i wonder why i had done certain things at that point in time... i felt stupid doing them, knowing that there's no point probably in doing them...

am i just being over-sensitive?

i was a little happy some time back when i received an email from someone i didn't expect. not that it was the kinds of email i exchange with my really close friends to catch up on each other, it's just some forwarded email. but, i was still happy. it showed that that person remembered me. though later it turned out to be some sort of spam mail, it still kinda made my day. weird har? even now i don't understand why i felt this way. and i replied to that mail (stupidly)... but i suppose i wouldn't get a reply haha... we're probably just acquaintances, and thus it'll be weird if either one of us reply to each other anyway hahaha~ now i just laugh at how stupid i was... lol~

and maybe i'm really too mimosa as how one of my housemates usually puts it... i got quite... put off when someone whom i've kinda "argued" with... sorta "suan" me with a mail i forwarded which turned out to be a spam mail... i dunno whether i'm just being oversensitive or not, i hope i am... but it still didn't feel good, cos i tot that person was someone who knew me pretty well... or maybe distance does change a lot of things... i don't know anything anymore...

ok below is just some of my inner thoughts... it doesn't mean that i'm suffering here in shanghai... of course everyone will have their own problems with their life wherever they are, but when pple back in singapore ask me how am i, of course i'll reply, i'm doing great! wad else can i say? complain how i'm unused to life here in shanghai? i wouldn't want others to worry about me, but it seems like everybody is under the impression that i'm in shanghai to play, enjoy life and not to work at all. i repeat, everybody has their own problems, just whether they want to emphasize it to others or not. but i do admit, i have my share of play too... and enjoying life... but it's too sweeping a statement to just say i'm here only for that...

haha this brings to mind what another one of my housemates posed to me as a question today... so, do you suppress your true self to others usually? i wonder... haha.

i suppose so... lol.

wad's really bothering me is, why am i suppressing myself in front of someone whom i consider a pretty close friend?














i guess i just had a really tough day today...

i might be going to the mayday concert live in shanghai at the end of april!!! kinda excited cos it's my first live concert if i'm going for it... but then again, i'm a little poor... and i wanna buy a nikey jacket! jialats... that's like 2/3 of my pay gone already if i'm going to spend on these things, and there's still my shopping trip this coming friday, a visit to peach blossom garden which costs approximately 100rmb this sunday... arrgh! why dun i have some rich boyfriend in shanghai??!!! o.O

haha i suppose this is just a sign of lack of sleep =)) good nite, world...