sighz~

my goldfish died... it was the birthday present from my friends on my 18th birthday... can't say i'm very very sad over it... but oh well... despite me knowing the fact it's old and will pass on some time soon... when it really happened there was still some sense of loss... and i must admit... i'm quite bad to it... remember how it always swims upside down for about a year already? just yesterday when it could hardly stay afloat... i was thinking... instead of it suffering while living, why don't we use euthanasia and end it's suffering? like just taking it out of water and so on.... but in the end i couldn't do that... cos somehow deep in me i hoped it'll live a little while longer... and it did... it died just this morning.

well... maybe i could sense it coming... that's y i woke up extra early today... but i guess i was still too late... my mum already disposed of its body. -_- but nevertheless... sighz. i wish i was a better pet owner...

my mum suggests buying another fish to accompany the lone goldfish left after the other goldfish's death... oh well... the feeling's never the same... maybe it was because it was a present from my friends or something... or maybe it's how i hoped it'll continue living after it's companion died a few days after i received them... or maybe it's the feeling i had when i chose its name and i didn't choose any for the other fishes that came to live in that small little tank we had for them... oh well... i don't know anything anymore...

if there's heaven... i hope u'll be going there now... and if u're there already... stop swimming upside down.

been a long time since i last blogged...

recent developments? let's see... after the end of the waste time project aka dip project... had a few days to slack before i was called down by the school for a job i applied... under the work-study scheme... it was quite a good working experience... get to talk to loads of pple... learn to self-control... and i remember that whenever i answer a phone call i should greet "happily" because the person on the other end can hear it in your voice... and i met a new friend! he's my senior taking IC design... and most importantly... he's learning jap for jlpt2 this year!!! wah my goal in another few years time... XD so if i have questions abt japanese i can bombard him... *opps poor him... going to be harassed by me*

a short working experience for me... wished they would allocate more days to me... though i'll probably end up slacking for some of those days...the pay's damn good... *$10 per hour! omg!* and it's something i can do... without feeling useless for most part of the working time... did i mention how i hate feeling useless for whatever work i'm allocated for? so i'm quite happy working for this... except it gets quite tiring everyday after i knock off from work...

some of the things i wanna do... watch movies! i wanna watch the girl who leaped through time plus transformers... why does it seem like the things i like to watch is either animation/some childish thingy? hey everybody has a kid in their heart ok... why am i trying to self-justify my preferences in the first place? rawrs.

have u had the feeling u don't like something, but for the sake of pleasing others u have to tell them otherwise? i'm sick of that feeling of having to please others at the expense of myself... or maybe not at the expense of myself... but when trying to please them i feel upset myself. ah... typical of a libra. so i have to blame my astrology sign. is there some way for me to break this cycle? when will my reflection show who i am inside?

and now... since someone kindly offered to be my boyfriend casually... i thought it'll be fun for me to seriously consider about this whole bgr thingy... as much as i like to be independent... there are times when i'm tired and want a shoulder to lean on... despite me knowing that i have faults and people will pick on me... but here are the lists of things i'll be looking out in a potential boyfriend...


MUST HAVE...
* must have at least 1 aspect that lets me respect/admire him for...
* able to entertain/chat with me

GOOD TO HAVE...
* big eyes XD *just take wu chun for example XD*
* taller than me but not too tall... *shoulder cannot be taller than my head? lol*
* have an interest in music
* knows how to play at least 1 instrument *woodwind section would be good... seems like i have a fetish for pple who knows woodwind instruments lol*
* knows how to sing *and not shatter the glass in the process*
* maybe share similar interest as i do... like he enjoys learning japanese or watching anime or blah blah blah
* enjoys sports
* gentle and caring
* share similar views on issues like love... etc.
* will not cheat on me... *and i will not cheat on him too*

NOT HAVING IT IS OKAY... BUT...
* handsome?
* have loads of $$$ XD


ok the above is the non-exhaustive list... and so those who fulfill the above requirements can submit ur resume to me at xxxxxx@hotmail.com. successful applicants would be notified through email. ok the above was just crap kindly ignore haha...

guess i'm just bored outta my mind... time to plan my movie trip with my sis for the girl who leaped through time! woohoo!

been having nightmares these few days... =X

first was me being pestered and repeatedly stung by this insect that looked like a flying beetle? if u know me well enough, i totally detest flying insects that keep flying around me... especially bees. plus those that sting... beetles sting? i had no idea... maybe it's a bee instead? hmmms...

second (which i had just this morning) was me talking to this super hypocritical girl who's planning some evil action to bring harm to me or something... i was walking with her n a guy which i think is my brother, then i spotted this big group of cats in an abandoned shop along the street. When i went nearer i saw this huge male cat bullying a smaller cat, so i tried to be kind to the smaller cat and pushed the huge cat away. who knew... it flashed its claws and climbed onto my shirt and slashed my abdomen!

scary dreams... and all have gore interpretations of destruction coming my way. i wonder which aspect they refer to... since i'm home these days and i haven't really offended anyone consciously these days? hmmms.

well pray i wouldn't die these days or something... hahaha... and stop giving me these weird dreams. i prefer to sleep dreamless. XD

就算全世界嘲笑我，我也不在乎。

yes i'll try my best to keep this in mind. particularly hard when you feel upset/uneasy/a little... angry? when people laugh at things precious to you. or even the things that you thought were cool... and others laughed at you thinking that way. that feeling sux.

sometimes i get really irritated by certain individuals trying to fool their way around... thinking it's fun to poke fun at others and things like that. oh well keep irritating me. i felt like slapping them in their faces. but i have to control. take in a deep breath and exhale. this is all part of training for me to learn how to deal with even more irritating people i'll meet with when i enter the working society. so... 忍。

i've got this puking sensation since this morning till now... i wonder why that's so? i can understand if one wants to puke in the morning that's normal morning sickness... but the whole day? plus my stomach felt really funny with occasional searing pain... is there something wrong with my gastric or something? hmmms... i didn't finish my breakfast though... haha.

so yeaps. with the end of dip i shall eat normally. sighz. i think my presentation today was lousy. felt like a free loader throughout the whole project cos i couldn't really see how i can help with my limited knowledge and stuff.. i did try to read up to be able to help... but i'm usually too slow. by the time i'm done with reading up, people already knew what to do to solve their problems. sighz. means i better buck up this holidays and try to absorb as much knowledge as possible. but i wonder if that's possible... so many things i wanted to learn... so little time it seems. haiz. sometimes i wish i could live life without worrying too much about things...

i want to be strong enough for people to be able to depend on me. but i don't want them to be too dependent on me too. sometimes i want to be alone, but i knew it too well i'm too afraid of being lonely. what irony. no one can understand how i truly feel... maybe it'll be good if i never get too close to anyone in the group... or rather, i can't expect them to know how i feel... i don't dare to show them my true feelings too... the guard's somehow always there... due to certain reasons i could probably push them away... but... why should i expose myself to possible hurt if i pushed away my reasons for guarding them? rawr. i knew i had the problem with trust, but it doesn't seem i'm working towards solving that...

should i just focus on my studies next semester and not join that clique and match our timetables? life would be boring without having fun with them too... but sometimes hanging out with them gets on my nerves too... cos we like to pick on certain individuals... i'm guilty of doing that too, and they insist it's cos that individual doesn't mind and that person's just waiting to be shot down by our "malicious" comments... i really wonder if that's the truth... maybe he really minds but just doesn't want to voice it out as he's too nice... i wouldn't do this kind of things in the past... but i do now... which i feel kinda sad for myself... but i wouldn't want to help him out for the fear of others shooting me back. haha what kind of lousy self defense is this.

dip was... boring and fun. had loads of fun and joy with my group mates outside work aspect, had some frustrating time with myself for being unable to produce good end result that contribute to the entire project... but now that it ended... i can go back to having more sleep, and start looking for a job to replenish my nearly depleted bank account... haiz. never ending problems... but that's life. after dip results for the semester would be released soon... tomorrow! and i have a feeling i didn't do that well last semester... my first class honours! haiz... i shouldn't overload again next semester, should i? seems like i took on too much... but there's so many things i wanna learn! i guess i shouldn't be so greedy and spill the contents of my basket by overloading it...

sighz. seems like i can no longer turn to anyone to rant about my problems anymore... i'm afraid of letting people know what i really think these days... people in my school clique... i can't really trust them because of something... others beyond that clique would have no idea how i feel i guess... haha...

moody stuff apart, here's the photos i promised the other day... my photoshooting skills vs my sis's...

my idea of an artistic shot at the east coast beach after i fainted...



vs. my sister's idea of an artistic shot...




this is from my sister's perspective of my mum...




this. is from my perspective...



some other photos taken by the great-o-me...




what a beautiful beach! i wanna go there again...




that's my sis.... looking lame in her cap... she originally had this lion soft toy pinned onto that cap! omgs =S

yeaps... end of my tiny photo sharing session... wished i had taken more photos then... but was interrupted by the sudden downpour... i wanna go to east coast again! =(







last saturday, me my sis plus our parents went to this wedding dinner... felt quite out of place, cos there's no one i know over there... plus the host's father was trying to like... intro plus push me n my sis together with his two sons... -_- and all the aunties there were like asking whether me and my sis are attatched... >_< irritating pple... =( is that the only concern on their minds for younger people... whether they're going to be married soon and things like that? =(











today, i went to mind's cafe with my dip group mates... played some really fun boardgames such as "who's the boss" <-- i think that's the name of the boardgame haha... good thing it costs only $5.50 for the whole afternoon we spent there... i thought it'll be more expensive... sighz... being broke during the holiday season really sux. no money to spend on GSS, can't go out too often or else i'll have no money for the rest of the semester... need to find a job quickly to replenish my depleted bank account... i'm so desperate for money till the extent of... asking pansy to intro one of cc's friends from his network of rich people... >_< of course i was joking lahs lol! but sighz. pressure on me to find boyfriend and to become richer. =( sounds so unlike me.. =(

wow this damn long entry took me more than an hour to type... time to tataz and finish up my dinner with two darn painful ulcers in my mouth... *ouch*

i've got this really weird bump on my right wrist. no idea how i got it... it's really itchy, and looks as though it's a scar from a previous cut or something. maybe i tried to kill myself by slitting my wrists in my previous life or something LOL. my dad came to the conclusion it's some weird allegy *and it happens only on my right wrist* so yeaps. it's darn itchy and i'm attempting to stop myself from scratching it and really making it into a permanent scar...

been slogging for dip *hmms on second thoughts... the previous statement is a lie LOL*, went on my mini runaway on vesak day to east coast park to cycle with my family. took loads of stupid pictures too... had a mini competition with my sis to see whose pictures are more... ahems. "artistic"... haha... i'm not uploading them tonight, cos i'm a bit tired and lazy XD but maybe after tomorrow, after i finish dealing with the 17 unfortunate souls incident. >_<

ok back to the cycling trip! my brother's away on exchange to cambridge *dammit. kids these days are damn lucky...* and so me my sis my mum and dad went on this trip suggested by none other her majesty... me! we charged to east coast park at around 12noon... *tell me which idiot cycles at 12 noon when the sun's just above your head?* and me n my sis got ourselves the normal bicycles, while my dad and mum shared a double bike...

cycling's so so fun! until... i fainted halfway through our trip. >_< i confess! i had only a lime sundae *that looks disgustingly like shrek, which is what it's made after...* for dinner the night before, ate a sort of pancake looking pastry for breakfast... before i cycled in the blazing hot sun... *ok it wasn't that hot... the vain me had to wear a cap to cover my short fringe that looks like it was standing up when i was cycling... and it's darn hot with that cap!*... so when my family stopped for a break i couldn't take it and i just collapsed on the floor... haha must have scared my family stiff! felt quite bad about it cos i didn't take care of my body + i was the organiser of this "outing" + they had to stop for a long while to wait for me to recover... and we didn't manage to cycle all the way to changi! but the breeze there was damn good. so good that we enjoyed it so much until it started pouring. -_- nice weather man...

so we literally braved through the storm together as a family... quite funny considering the events that happened to us recently... how apt... after i fainted, my mum took my bicycle and i took the double bike with my dad... we joked about how my bicycle is cursed and maybe the person riding it will faint halfway through the trip hahaha! i think my mum became paranoid and changed bicycles with my sis halfway through our way back... really enjoyed our slow ride back to the rental shop in the rain... i guess most of us was.. tired? haha~

cycling's fun! we must go again some other time! and i will make sure i eat properly before i go wahahaha~





today's our ktv trip at the $10 dollar club with my fellow hc classmates! pansy brought me a really nice orange handbag from her trip in kl... really love it! and nico sang so well that i can't help but to secretly record his singing... in hopes of putting it online someday to blackmail him... opps! haha~ should have told him during our supper... hahaha~ but 3 hrs is just so not enough for all of us! need to sing more... ='( though i'm extremely broke... sighz. need to find some ways to earn money fast and easy... sell butt? hey i'm kidding, k?

sighz. signing some documents tomorrow. going for my mum's friend's daughter's wedding dinner... hmph! i refuse to let myself feel down! rawr!

and now... time to hit my bed... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz... oh wait! my bomberman awaits me! XD