youtube is the root of all evil.

argh! stop watching youtube! TT m TT

i love you.
but i'm too afraid of being pricked by your thorns so much that i don't dare to stay close to you.













i like doing software programming. it's fun taking a problem apart to solve them in smaller bits, but sometimes debugging them takes millions of years and i simply don't have the time to debug them one by one... especially when you have no idea what exactly went wrong. i struggled between whether to try debug everything in one afternoon or to copy and paste from a past year "sample" program provided by some kinds souls, presumably our seniors lol~ in the end conscience lost LOL how much is conscience worth in this cruel society anyway.

ok i doubt anyone's interested in that technical talk anyway LOL













i love japanese and their culture too. i finally registered for jlpt 3 today and saw lee sensei after like... 4 months? i guess i still like her a lot like last time when she was still my japanese sensei... strangely i can trust her... she's like my mum to me... opps my biological mum dun be upset hor! then we talked a little about the syllabus for jlpt 3... about the summer festival which i couldn't go sadly last sat... haiz. i wish i could have taken japanese lvl 4 under her... but time doesn't allow that. and i have to pull up my grades. haiz i'm in a total dilemna...

so many things i wanna do, so little time. am i just being too ambitious and unrealistic?

i haven't been studying japanese last week... and i'm lagging in tutorials now. what should i do now? drop one of my commitments? like to stop working part time to help ling ling? haiz i'm at a loss...














how about this? i love resting up and napping... but because of my tight schedule... my dark eye bags are starting to show again...














why is it that i love you so much? and yet i can't stay together with the things/people i love?
is it just because i love myself more than anything else?

so near, yet so far.
so far, yet so near?
nah... maybe not.













so near, yet so far.

i'm always trying to observe others whom i really care about... sometimes i can step into their lives to offer them help or just to listen, sometimes i'm just a mere observer, and the other party in question might not even know i'm "spying" him/her... lol~ but wad abt me in the shoes of the "other" party? there'll definitely be people "spying" on me to see how i'm doing i suppose... and one of the methods is to spy this blog. oh no i hate spies... haha jokings lah~













so near, yet so far.

it always happens. u're at the last question of your tutorial, but why must that last part of that last question always leave you stumped and unable to complete the tutorial? the end is so near yet so far... happiness is so bitter yet so sweet...













so near, yet so far.

i'm so near to my notes *in fact they're just underneath my laptop* for me to read up to start my new tutorial due tml... but nothing goes in. still so far away from starting work proper. sighz.














so near, yet so far...

so near the time for me to hit the bed... but still got so many things to complete... rest time seems so so far away from now...













i wan a 1 week holiday now! \(TT m TT)/

sometimes even though u know that u can definitely go on, but you just wanna break down and let loose of all the things pent up in you. today is one of such days when i just wanna pull my hair out and cry and whine abt things lol.

reminds me of the song mark likes to sing.... there was a time~ when people said that singapore wouldn't make it... but we did... there was a time... when troubles seem too much for us to take... but we did...

ok laugh la. wad's with me being patriotic all of a sudden when national day is long past? oh well... even if we have too many troubles, things will eventually turn out fine bah i suppose...

i guess i need to plan my time properly and rest properly too... was feeling giddy yesterday and i wonder if it was cos i skipped dinner the day before when i was at work lmao. so i ate that night's dinner together with yesterday night's dinner and my stomach feels super bloated today LOL. where got pple compensate for a skipped meal like i do seriously... zzz













i wonder sometimes... whether i exhibit half hearted kindness to others. i suppose i do... lol~ but i'm definitely not the only one. perhaps, people are only kind to you when they see benefits to it. i don't know why i'm so negative when it comes to such things... is there some way for me to view it more positively? like i do exhibit half hearted kindness to others... sometimes it's because i feel it's not worth it and things like that. i liked myself better last time when i wouldn't care about anything and help others out just because they needed the help, regardless of whether it was called for or not. where did that me go to? is it lost in the dark world i've started to notice a few years back?

reminds me of what one of my favourite profs said yesterday... we cry the first thing we come to earth, because we've just stepped onto this cruel world... and though it's humourous... i suppose that's quite true... for a while i've got a thought that maybe we're all here as a punishment... lol! if god exists, and so does heaven and angels... maybe we were all angels once, but sent down to earth as punishment for something we've done wrong or something... or am i too bhb to think of ourselves as angels before we came here? lmao~

ok time to go back to lecture recording and start on my tutorial... how can i finish all my tutorials + project + lab reports + presentations on time???? \(TTmTT)/

难道这一切都只是一场误会？想到这可能是场误会，我竟然感觉心里的一块大石仿佛被放了下来。

不论如何，不管这是不是个误会，我都是个笨蛋。

不准哭
歌手：同恩

我把自己反锁在空荡荡的房屋
感谢你让我想个清楚
因为爱你所以我不做你的包袱
我不需要谁温柔安抚
请放心我很快就能恢复
找到一个人陪我漫步

不准哭
我不要装可怜无辜
挡住你的路挡不住你追逐
不准哭
我更应该微笑祝福
祝你找到对的幸福

如果我消失不见
你在乎不在乎
别含含糊糊我很在乎
因为爱你所以我选另外一条路
离开是我的最后让步
请放心我很快就能恢复
找到一个人陪我漫步

不准哭
我不要装可怜无辜
挡住你的路挡不住你追逐
不准哭
我更应该微笑祝福
祝你找到对的幸福

爱情就到这里结束
我们不得不 不得不屈服
只能笑

不准哭
我不要装可怜无辜
挡住你的路 挡不住你追逐
不准哭
我学不会微笑祝福
祝你找到
祝你找到对的幸福













身旁一直以来都有许多许多需要别人关心的人。以前的我。。。算是虚伪的自己吧，把注意力放在他人，是希望别人能注意到自己的烦恼，注意到自己也需要他们的关心。现在回想起这样的自己，总觉得那种虚伪的行为。。。有一点可耻。或许是我对自己太过苛刻了吧。

不准哭。不管是现实的我，或是梦里的我，我们都不准哭。

拼命地让自己忙碌到没有时间胡思乱想。所以现实中的我，不管再怎么辛苦，都不会再次哭泣。但是到了夜深人静进入梦乡时，脆弱的自己一一显露在梦境里。我讨厌那样的自己。梦醒时的我，不管再怎么难过辛苦，都会告诉自己，就算老天要怎样折腾我，我都不要再次失去笑容。为什么梦里的我竟然把这个念头彻底地忘却呢？所以，梦中的我，你也不准哭。

在此，我想感谢在梦里陪伴我的好友。。。是他们在梦中给了我勇气，让我知道我不是独自面对。谢谢你们。。。













那些现在也过的不是很好的好友们：我们大家都不要哭。为了那些可恨，试图想让我们难过的人，他们值得让我们失去笑容吗？一点也不值得。所以我们不要输给他们。我们要证明我们比任何人都坚强。比任何人都要幸福。就算难过，私底下大哭一场后，就要收拾好心情，继续向前方迈进。加油！

我用背叛自己 完成你的期待













as we grow older, we are more and more suspicious of each other. we trample on the weaker ones, fending off the other fellow humans we perceive to be trying to step onto us, all in the name of self-defense. all wrapped up in the heat of our problems, we talk more about our problems, hoping sometimes that others can give us advice. but at the same time, we listen to each other lesser and lesser, we only want to push our ideas to others forcefully. where is all the innocent ones in the past who will wait for each other, give each other a helping hand if they're in need, unquestioning of the "impact" or the "motive" behind that action?

i don't want to grow up...













been studying teaching tuition and just yesterday i just started going back to the cookie shop to help out... woke up this morning feeling extremely drained lol~ now i understand why others who knew about this is worried about me overworking... i can predict that in the near future myself too lol! but oh well, being busy is good, it keeps your mind off things. and u're happy because u've got stuff to do...

and now that i'm back in my house with my own spare time, i've gotta plan how to revise and catch up with my school work, and how to come up with programs with my project =S

project yesterday was fun! we're making a small... hardware component with some instructions programmed into it... to play around with the LEDs on the hardware... it was fun learning to make use of tools to join the different inverters and multiplexers together using the board and wires... hehex~ but we spent our entire lab trying to fix the hardware together... and now i've gotta fret on how to make 5 different codes for the functions to be programmed for that thing... =S how how how? i've got no head no tail at all =S

ok enough ranting... i doubt anyone's interested in this technical talk anyway lol! maybe i should talk less, since pple will be less interested in what others have to say anyway. ^^

Myself
by Changin' My Life

どうしてどうして　好きなんだろう
こんなに　涙　溢れてる

あの頃は　失うものが多すぎて　何も歌えなかった
少し離れた場所　そこが私の　居場所だった

君の瞳の奥に　あの日　さみしさを見つけた
二人似てるのかな？
気付けばいつも　隣にいてくれた

どうしてこんなに　好きなんだろう
君の声　悲しいほど　響いてるヨ
いままで何が　支えだったか
遠く離れて　わかったよ

泣きながら　捜し続けた　迷子の　子供のように
けどそこには　永遠なんて　あるわけなくて

「誰も信じなければ　いいんだよ」　唾やいたね
二人似てたのかな？
あの時君を　守ると決めたのに

どうして思い出に　できないんだろう
遠すぎて　近すぎて　届かないよ
「忘れよう」って　思えば思うほど
君が大きく　なってくよ

どうしてこんなに　好きなんだろう
君の声　悲しいほど　響いてるヨ
いままで何が　支えだったか
遠く離れて　わかったよ

どうして　君を　好きになったんだろう
簡単すぎて答えにならない

原来我一直以来，天天都在学习如何与你说再见。
但我似乎总是学不好，如何让自己开心地看着你离开我的视线。












心里有一股说不出的感觉冒上来。不是悲伤，不是愤怒，也不是痛恨。我自己也不太了解自己的心情。其实我心里已经有了个谱。说是要祝福。。。又似乎有一点假。我真的有这个念头，只是想到要祝福又有一点不甘心。又有一点担心。不过这已经不管我的事了，我也无权过问。本来以为没事，又似乎有事。这种混淆不清的心情，我不喜欢。。。

我曾对自己发过誓：当他离开了，我也不会再有眷恋了。看来这是我该长大的时候了。其实我已经慢慢成长了。变得好变得坏的地方都有，对方也应该变成了个我不大熟悉的人了吧。我希望，大家都不会在受到伤害了。这是不是个幼稚的想法呢？如果是，就当作我还是有一丝丝不像长大的念头吧。

我不要恨。恨是件非常累人的事。说我不想再爱？我自己也不太清楚自己的想法。为什么浪费了我三年的青春？有一点为自己打抱不平。是我当时不够成熟。就当作是个惨痛的教训吧。没有什么值得留恋的吧。

我希望你会快乐。这是我从心底的期望，而我也不会再放弃自己的幸福了。

庆瑜呀庆瑜，长大咯。^^长大后，我希望。。。有人能给我一个安慰的拥抱。因为我最讨厌长大的滋味。

another night of endless drinking.

and now, even though i'm still a little sick... i still don't feel like sleeping. maybe it's the side effects of excess alcohol... i wouldn't feel like sleeping after staying out so late...













孩子是天使。他们都在神的守护下成长。。。但是，有的人却因为看不见神而感到寂寞，进而逐一逐一和神说再见。
有的人为了和其他人共存，即使舍弃自己所守护的乐园亦在所不惜。为的就是希望能够被自己所爱的人钟爱！
越想成为完美的天使，就越觉得这个世界是丑陋的。
干脆就让自己一起受污染吧！
事到如今，我真的怀疑。。。这世上是否真的有神。
不再有人需要我，不再有人了解我。
我已经不是。。。天使了。

~ 《绅士同盟+》 第9话

曾经堕落已久的我，今晚看到那些熟悉的笑脸，对于彼此找到自己的幸福而感到高兴。突然不想再让自己堕落下去了，就算不是天使，或许我有一天会发现自己的背后一直以来都有着一双翅膀，有勇气再次抓紧自己的幸福。。。













my wish list! i realise i really need a proper makeup set desperately! and i need to learn how to put on makeup proper! =X

i couldn't sleep last night.

restless tossing and turning, listening to the churning of my air-con which usually coaxed me to sleep... they sounded like music to me surprisingly for yesterday night only. reading which usually does its hypnotic effect on me failed terribly too. and no it was not because i was angry like the other instance... i just couldn't understand...

and finally i did drift to dreamland. in my dream, i met someone whom i have not seen nor talked to face to face in a really long while. we were taking a group photo, and that's when the two of us came so close to each other's vicinity in such a long while. then after the photo, the two of us chatted with others like really close friends... which made me quite happy because i could tell he's enjoying himself too. at least for that moment...

and no. it had to be a dream. because such good things wouldn't happen in my real life.

maybe the reason for my insomnia was the manga book i read before i tried to get some rest... "the person he hates most is himself", "you are the only person capable of obtaining your own happiness"... and i look at myself in retrospect... all of a sudden i kind of understand the unrest in me. arguing within me that whatever "good" things that happen are just coincidence, at the "mercy of others"... others who made me happy did it out of their kindness... and i'll push that small happiness away for the fear of its cost that might come along with it... isn't it human nature to want to be happy? why should i even push away my most basic need to want to feel happy?













i feel bad for falling sick on the day of sc and jon's bdae party... i hope i wouldn't be too groggy then when i turn up for the party itself... =S happy birthday to you two in advance! ^^

omg.

give me back my previous entry!!! RAWR!