原来我一直以来，天天都在学习如何与你说再见。
但我似乎总是学不好，如何让自己开心地看着你离开我的视线。












心里有一股说不出的感觉冒上来。不是悲伤，不是愤怒，也不是痛恨。我自己也不太了解自己的心情。其实我心里已经有了个谱。说是要祝福。。。又似乎有一点假。我真的有这个念头，只是想到要祝福又有一点不甘心。又有一点担心。不过这已经不管我的事了，我也无权过问。本来以为没事，又似乎有事。这种混淆不清的心情，我不喜欢。。。

我曾对自己发过誓：当他离开了，我也不会再有眷恋了。看来这是我该长大的时候了。其实我已经慢慢成长了。变得好变得坏的地方都有，对方也应该变成了个我不大熟悉的人了吧。我希望，大家都不会在受到伤害了。这是不是个幼稚的想法呢？如果是，就当作我还是有一丝丝不像长大的念头吧。

我不要恨。恨是件非常累人的事。说我不想再爱？我自己也不太清楚自己的想法。为什么浪费了我三年的青春？有一点为自己打抱不平。是我当时不够成熟。就当作是个惨痛的教训吧。没有什么值得留恋的吧。

我希望你会快乐。这是我从心底的期望，而我也不会再放弃自己的幸福了。

庆瑜呀庆瑜，长大咯。^^长大后，我希望。。。有人能给我一个安慰的拥抱。因为我最讨厌长大的滋味。

another night of endless drinking.

and now, even though i'm still a little sick... i still don't feel like sleeping. maybe it's the side effects of excess alcohol... i wouldn't feel like sleeping after staying out so late...













孩子是天使。他们都在神的守护下成长。。。但是，有的人却因为看不见神而感到寂寞，进而逐一逐一和神说再见。
有的人为了和其他人共存，即使舍弃自己所守护的乐园亦在所不惜。为的就是希望能够被自己所爱的人钟爱！
越想成为完美的天使，就越觉得这个世界是丑陋的。
干脆就让自己一起受污染吧！
事到如今，我真的怀疑。。。这世上是否真的有神。
不再有人需要我，不再有人了解我。
我已经不是。。。天使了。

~ 《绅士同盟+》 第9话

曾经堕落已久的我，今晚看到那些熟悉的笑脸，对于彼此找到自己的幸福而感到高兴。突然不想再让自己堕落下去了，就算不是天使，或许我有一天会发现自己的背后一直以来都有着一双翅膀，有勇气再次抓紧自己的幸福。。。













my wish list! i realise i really need a proper makeup set desperately! and i need to learn how to put on makeup proper! =X

i couldn't sleep last night.

restless tossing and turning, listening to the churning of my air-con which usually coaxed me to sleep... they sounded like music to me surprisingly for yesterday night only. reading which usually does its hypnotic effect on me failed terribly too. and no it was not because i was angry like the other instance... i just couldn't understand...

and finally i did drift to dreamland. in my dream, i met someone whom i have not seen nor talked to face to face in a really long while. we were taking a group photo, and that's when the two of us came so close to each other's vicinity in such a long while. then after the photo, the two of us chatted with others like really close friends... which made me quite happy because i could tell he's enjoying himself too. at least for that moment...

and no. it had to be a dream. because such good things wouldn't happen in my real life.

maybe the reason for my insomnia was the manga book i read before i tried to get some rest... "the person he hates most is himself", "you are the only person capable of obtaining your own happiness"... and i look at myself in retrospect... all of a sudden i kind of understand the unrest in me. arguing within me that whatever "good" things that happen are just coincidence, at the "mercy of others"... others who made me happy did it out of their kindness... and i'll push that small happiness away for the fear of its cost that might come along with it... isn't it human nature to want to be happy? why should i even push away my most basic need to want to feel happy?













i feel bad for falling sick on the day of sc and jon's bdae party... i hope i wouldn't be too groggy then when i turn up for the party itself... =S happy birthday to you two in advance! ^^

omg.

give me back my previous entry!!! RAWR!

for the first time in my life, i'm so pissed until i can't go to sleep.

ok laugh please.

it was over a really silly matter which i shall not elaborate lest it'll make me sleepless for the rest of the night. let me just repeat this to make me feel more at ease... he's just a 16 year old brat. not worth you getting so angry about his rudeness. and no point messing up your sleep pattern u're trying so hard to restore...

inhale... exhale.

makes me wonder how my sis would probably wanna exchange with me... she's the one in need of sleep but unable to satisfy that desire due to her activities... here i am, too bored with my life and i can't go to sleep over petty matters.

maybe i shall go study jap now... maybe it helps to make me feel sleepy... *when reading manga with loads of chinese words didn't help when it usually does...*

-edit-
after signing off this entry, i surfed the net and went to one of my favourite game sites : jayisgames.com. and.. i saw this slapping game. great for people who just wanna slap someone just like i was. and i feel much much better now seeing all the women fight their petty fights by slapping. anyway, here's the direct link to the game : http://nigoro.jp/game/rosecamellia/rosecamellia.php
the game review on jayisgames.com is at this link : http://jayisgames.com/archives/2007/07/rose_and_camellia.php
have fun slapping! XD

this post should have been on 2 days ago... or rather 1 night ago.

i almost forgot to wish a particular person happy birthday... and i thought i would never forget that. it's funny how people can be so forgetful when they have got things on their mind that's sapping away all their energy. and i thought since i'm so stubborn, no matter how busy i am, i still would not forget.

i guess i was wrong then. perhaps it really is that easy to forget certain things that were once important. maybe it just means i have already let go of things way back in the past.

now since it's 1:03am on my computer clock now... it's officially my mum's birthday... my dad's overseas in china, sister would be staying overnight tml... and well i don't think my brother would care... am i the only one who cares then?

maybe it's the feeling of loneliness overwhelming me... friends come and go... good friends stay with you longer... and i thought family would always be on your side.... maybe not. when we all grow up to go out to venture our own careers... or maybe to start our own families... we'll part. and death may part us too. in the end, one would be alone no matter how much you struggle i suppose... then why even try to chase away that loneliness? we came into this world by ourselves, we leave as lone souls. making friends and getting attached emotionally just means more hurt when it's time to leave this world isn't it... i'm telling myself this, but this other part of me is screaming...

it feels like i'm in my glass chamber again. able to observe the world beyond me... sensing their happiness and pain... but unable to feel their emotions. similarly, no one can hear me banging my fists on those cold transparent walls...













伤。就算我能治好别人的伤，那又有谁能治好我的呢？

突然间有一股不知所措的烦恼一涌而上。忽然，我不再知道自己接下来该怎么做。还是，我根本什么都不必做呢？

some adore sunny days. cloudy days? some hate them. rainy days? i love them just when i'm going to sleep. otherwise, rainy days are a no-no.

gloomy days? i think i like it the best of them all. not too hot, not too chilling, just the right temperature for us to do all sorts of things, like outdoor sports, sleep, slacking at home... only except when i'm going out to suntan...

what about the weather today? gloomy. perfect weather for me to oversleep till 1pm this afternoon. oh well, i was reading harry potter last night, and unwittingly till it was 4am in the morning. i think i'm becoming more and more of a pig.

today's my dad's birthday... had gone shopping with my sis yesterday and bought him durain puffs as a gift... we couldn't thought of anything better haha... but me and my mum baked him a cake that's... hmms... can it be considered to be a success? just a simple dinner celebration with me my mum and dad... sis had co practice all the way till 10pm and my brother, though he has finally decided to come home for dinner at my accusation of him being an ingrate if he didn't. haha... he was up in his room playing dota when my dad cut the "birthday cake". then he announced that he'll be going China in a freaking 2 days time, and it was a decision just finalised today. and he wouldn't be around when it's mum's birthday. luckily i had turned down pey lun's request for help at the graduation dinner... or else i can't expect how pathetic with maybe just my mum celebrating her own birthday...



i feel like i'm just like a kid. happily enjoying the world, thinking that the world is a perfect place. all until someone strikes deep, making one realise the truth and ugliness of the so called perfect world. then everything starts to fall apart. losing interest in the things that once interested you. there's nothing u can do about it, except to accept the cold hard fact that it's not the world u loved once. and sometimes, stubbornness makes that hard to happen.

i no longer know what to do already. is it just ok to continue staring blankly, doing nothing at all?



today sure is a gloomy day. but i don't know if i liked it as much as any typical one.

another late night where everyone else has gone to sleep. all except my lone self, left with my dark thoughts.



sometimes i wonder. when we choose a character to play in a game, does it reflect our true inner self? or just our hopes? i've got a friend who always like to play tanking/knight characters... and i think his character suits the role he always plays... he's the kind who would take on challenges and problems in life head on... and i admire him for that...

me? i always end up playing the cleric. why?... because i can't stand it when everyone else wants to become strong and powerful, forgetting that they need buffs to become stronger and blah blah blah. i guess that's me then. the crowd pleaser. disliking attention and always like to hide away from problems. always relying on others to become stronger "because" it's hard for me to stand on my own two feet. maybe that's the real me in life. or on the other hand, maybe it's just my wish/hope that i can become a healer in life. which is the exact opposite now since i'm the one hurting others, not healing them. how ironic.



just today during my lesson with my tuition kid, mark... somehow we strayed to the topic about how long it takes for one to jump down from xxx storeys high... and, taking g= 10m/s^2... assuming each floor is ard 3m tall, if we jump from the 13th floor it'll take approximately 2s for our whole life to flash by! 100th storey? slightly more than 4s! is our life that short for the whole duration to flash by in a mere 4s? i don't think so right? so we should find a even taller building to jump down next time... yeah right.

but due to that "funny" conversation we had... the "dark" side of me came back... remember how i mentioned i always picture the worse happening to me quite some time ago? it came back straight after the lesson... like how when i was walking to post a letter for my parents... this car came into the car park i was cutting through and i had the image of me being hit by the car and ambulances rushing me to the hospital... >_<>_< but yeap... i felt happy when people ask me this kind of things that makes me think more... though he makes me puke blood when it comes to maths, everything else is quite fun... like his guitar and his lameness..... zzz. i concede defeat when he really makes up his mind to be lame LOL



ok finally the sleep bug has caught onto me... time to rest!

even if i know it deep in my heart, sometimes i'll still have this urge to wish for something impossible. to wish that i'll revert to the old me. the kinder and more caring me. or maybe it's a sign that i've grown up. to be able to tell when and where i should let myself help others. to know when i should cross over my icy walls to care about those around me. i loved and hated my old self. loved my old self for being able to graciously and givingly helping those around me. hated myself for being so gullible and letting others make use of my so called kindness. the current me sort of knows when to remain in my boundary and not letting others enter my inner self... no longer so giving and gracious... i suppose i feel less hurt when people fail to try make use of my this "weakness", but when i want to care more about the people i used to care... somehow it feels a little more distant than in the past...

i think i've mentioned this sensation before... it feels as though u're peeking out to the world with you yourself trapped in this glass box... you can see the ongoings in the world, but the world can't touch you, and neither can you touch and feel what's going on in the world. it feels as though everything is distant to you. you are just a mere observer... with no power over the events in the world... just like part of the audience sitting in the cinema, watching the film unfold its plot in front of you. is this "calmness" supposed to be... a zen-like ideology? or some taoist idea that i had once longed to achieve? it's not like i want to make big major changes in the world to allow others to notice my presence. i'm... frustrated? upset?... with my cold and insensitive self... for being unable to notice the details and emotions of my friends which i once could...





after today's events.... i think i have a new criteria to add to my list of things to look out for a potential bf... he MUST know and have a certain level of understand for chinese. rawrs.

sighz~

my goldfish died... it was the birthday present from my friends on my 18th birthday... can't say i'm very very sad over it... but oh well... despite me knowing the fact it's old and will pass on some time soon... when it really happened there was still some sense of loss... and i must admit... i'm quite bad to it... remember how it always swims upside down for about a year already? just yesterday when it could hardly stay afloat... i was thinking... instead of it suffering while living, why don't we use euthanasia and end it's suffering? like just taking it out of water and so on.... but in the end i couldn't do that... cos somehow deep in me i hoped it'll live a little while longer... and it did... it died just this morning.

well... maybe i could sense it coming... that's y i woke up extra early today... but i guess i was still too late... my mum already disposed of its body. -_- but nevertheless... sighz. i wish i was a better pet owner...

my mum suggests buying another fish to accompany the lone goldfish left after the other goldfish's death... oh well... the feeling's never the same... maybe it was because it was a present from my friends or something... or maybe it's how i hoped it'll continue living after it's companion died a few days after i received them... or maybe it's the feeling i had when i chose its name and i didn't choose any for the other fishes that came to live in that small little tank we had for them... oh well... i don't know anything anymore...

if there's heaven... i hope u'll be going there now... and if u're there already... stop swimming upside down.

been a long time since i last blogged...

recent developments? let's see... after the end of the waste time project aka dip project... had a few days to slack before i was called down by the school for a job i applied... under the work-study scheme... it was quite a good working experience... get to talk to loads of pple... learn to self-control... and i remember that whenever i answer a phone call i should greet "happily" because the person on the other end can hear it in your voice... and i met a new friend! he's my senior taking IC design... and most importantly... he's learning jap for jlpt2 this year!!! wah my goal in another few years time... XD so if i have questions abt japanese i can bombard him... *opps poor him... going to be harassed by me*

a short working experience for me... wished they would allocate more days to me... though i'll probably end up slacking for some of those days...the pay's damn good... *$10 per hour! omg!* and it's something i can do... without feeling useless for most part of the working time... did i mention how i hate feeling useless for whatever work i'm allocated for? so i'm quite happy working for this... except it gets quite tiring everyday after i knock off from work...

some of the things i wanna do... watch movies! i wanna watch the girl who leaped through time plus transformers... why does it seem like the things i like to watch is either animation/some childish thingy? hey everybody has a kid in their heart ok... why am i trying to self-justify my preferences in the first place? rawrs.

have u had the feeling u don't like something, but for the sake of pleasing others u have to tell them otherwise? i'm sick of that feeling of having to please others at the expense of myself... or maybe not at the expense of myself... but when trying to please them i feel upset myself. ah... typical of a libra. so i have to blame my astrology sign. is there some way for me to break this cycle? when will my reflection show who i am inside?

and now... since someone kindly offered to be my boyfriend casually... i thought it'll be fun for me to seriously consider about this whole bgr thingy... as much as i like to be independent... there are times when i'm tired and want a shoulder to lean on... despite me knowing that i have faults and people will pick on me... but here are the lists of things i'll be looking out in a potential boyfriend...


MUST HAVE...
* must have at least 1 aspect that lets me respect/admire him for...
* able to entertain/chat with me

GOOD TO HAVE...
* big eyes XD *just take wu chun for example XD*
* taller than me but not too tall... *shoulder cannot be taller than my head? lol*
* have an interest in music
* knows how to play at least 1 instrument *woodwind section would be good... seems like i have a fetish for pple who knows woodwind instruments lol*
* knows how to sing *and not shatter the glass in the process*
* maybe share similar interest as i do... like he enjoys learning japanese or watching anime or blah blah blah
* enjoys sports
* gentle and caring
* share similar views on issues like love... etc.
* will not cheat on me... *and i will not cheat on him too*

NOT HAVING IT IS OKAY... BUT...
* handsome?
* have loads of $$$ XD


ok the above is the non-exhaustive list... and so those who fulfill the above requirements can submit ur resume to me at xxxxxx@hotmail.com. successful applicants would be notified through email. ok the above was just crap kindly ignore haha...

guess i'm just bored outta my mind... time to plan my movie trip with my sis for the girl who leaped through time! woohoo!

been having nightmares these few days... =X

first was me being pestered and repeatedly stung by this insect that looked like a flying beetle? if u know me well enough, i totally detest flying insects that keep flying around me... especially bees. plus those that sting... beetles sting? i had no idea... maybe it's a bee instead? hmmms...

second (which i had just this morning) was me talking to this super hypocritical girl who's planning some evil action to bring harm to me or something... i was walking with her n a guy which i think is my brother, then i spotted this big group of cats in an abandoned shop along the street. When i went nearer i saw this huge male cat bullying a smaller cat, so i tried to be kind to the smaller cat and pushed the huge cat away. who knew... it flashed its claws and climbed onto my shirt and slashed my abdomen!

scary dreams... and all have gore interpretations of destruction coming my way. i wonder which aspect they refer to... since i'm home these days and i haven't really offended anyone consciously these days? hmmms.

well pray i wouldn't die these days or something... hahaha... and stop giving me these weird dreams. i prefer to sleep dreamless. XD

就算全世界嘲笑我，我也不在乎。

yes i'll try my best to keep this in mind. particularly hard when you feel upset/uneasy/a little... angry? when people laugh at things precious to you. or even the things that you thought were cool... and others laughed at you thinking that way. that feeling sux.

sometimes i get really irritated by certain individuals trying to fool their way around... thinking it's fun to poke fun at others and things like that. oh well keep irritating me. i felt like slapping them in their faces. but i have to control. take in a deep breath and exhale. this is all part of training for me to learn how to deal with even more irritating people i'll meet with when i enter the working society. so... 忍。

i've got this puking sensation since this morning till now... i wonder why that's so? i can understand if one wants to puke in the morning that's normal morning sickness... but the whole day? plus my stomach felt really funny with occasional searing pain... is there something wrong with my gastric or something? hmmms... i didn't finish my breakfast though... haha.

so yeaps. with the end of dip i shall eat normally. sighz. i think my presentation today was lousy. felt like a free loader throughout the whole project cos i couldn't really see how i can help with my limited knowledge and stuff.. i did try to read up to be able to help... but i'm usually too slow. by the time i'm done with reading up, people already knew what to do to solve their problems. sighz. means i better buck up this holidays and try to absorb as much knowledge as possible. but i wonder if that's possible... so many things i wanted to learn... so little time it seems. haiz. sometimes i wish i could live life without worrying too much about things...

i want to be strong enough for people to be able to depend on me. but i don't want them to be too dependent on me too. sometimes i want to be alone, but i knew it too well i'm too afraid of being lonely. what irony. no one can understand how i truly feel... maybe it'll be good if i never get too close to anyone in the group... or rather, i can't expect them to know how i feel... i don't dare to show them my true feelings too... the guard's somehow always there... due to certain reasons i could probably push them away... but... why should i expose myself to possible hurt if i pushed away my reasons for guarding them? rawr. i knew i had the problem with trust, but it doesn't seem i'm working towards solving that...

should i just focus on my studies next semester and not join that clique and match our timetables? life would be boring without having fun with them too... but sometimes hanging out with them gets on my nerves too... cos we like to pick on certain individuals... i'm guilty of doing that too, and they insist it's cos that individual doesn't mind and that person's just waiting to be shot down by our "malicious" comments... i really wonder if that's the truth... maybe he really minds but just doesn't want to voice it out as he's too nice... i wouldn't do this kind of things in the past... but i do now... which i feel kinda sad for myself... but i wouldn't want to help him out for the fear of others shooting me back. haha what kind of lousy self defense is this.

dip was... boring and fun. had loads of fun and joy with my group mates outside work aspect, had some frustrating time with myself for being unable to produce good end result that contribute to the entire project... but now that it ended... i can go back to having more sleep, and start looking for a job to replenish my nearly depleted bank account... haiz. never ending problems... but that's life. after dip results for the semester would be released soon... tomorrow! and i have a feeling i didn't do that well last semester... my first class honours! haiz... i shouldn't overload again next semester, should i? seems like i took on too much... but there's so many things i wanna learn! i guess i shouldn't be so greedy and spill the contents of my basket by overloading it...

sighz. seems like i can no longer turn to anyone to rant about my problems anymore... i'm afraid of letting people know what i really think these days... people in my school clique... i can't really trust them because of something... others beyond that clique would have no idea how i feel i guess... haha...

moody stuff apart, here's the photos i promised the other day... my photoshooting skills vs my sis's...

my idea of an artistic shot at the east coast beach after i fainted...



vs. my sister's idea of an artistic shot...




this is from my sister's perspective of my mum...




this. is from my perspective...



some other photos taken by the great-o-me...




what a beautiful beach! i wanna go there again...




that's my sis.... looking lame in her cap... she originally had this lion soft toy pinned onto that cap! omgs =S

yeaps... end of my tiny photo sharing session... wished i had taken more photos then... but was interrupted by the sudden downpour... i wanna go to east coast again! =(







last saturday, me my sis plus our parents went to this wedding dinner... felt quite out of place, cos there's no one i know over there... plus the host's father was trying to like... intro plus push me n my sis together with his two sons... -_- and all the aunties there were like asking whether me and my sis are attatched... >_< irritating pple... =( is that the only concern on their minds for younger people... whether they're going to be married soon and things like that? =(











today, i went to mind's cafe with my dip group mates... played some really fun boardgames such as "who's the boss" <-- i think that's the name of the boardgame haha... good thing it costs only $5.50 for the whole afternoon we spent there... i thought it'll be more expensive... sighz... being broke during the holiday season really sux. no money to spend on GSS, can't go out too often or else i'll have no money for the rest of the semester... need to find a job quickly to replenish my depleted bank account... i'm so desperate for money till the extent of... asking pansy to intro one of cc's friends from his network of rich people... >_< of course i was joking lahs lol! but sighz. pressure on me to find boyfriend and to become richer. =( sounds so unlike me.. =(

wow this damn long entry took me more than an hour to type... time to tataz and finish up my dinner with two darn painful ulcers in my mouth... *ouch*

i've got this really weird bump on my right wrist. no idea how i got it... it's really itchy, and looks as though it's a scar from a previous cut or something. maybe i tried to kill myself by slitting my wrists in my previous life or something LOL. my dad came to the conclusion it's some weird allegy *and it happens only on my right wrist* so yeaps. it's darn itchy and i'm attempting to stop myself from scratching it and really making it into a permanent scar...

been slogging for dip *hmms on second thoughts... the previous statement is a lie LOL*, went on my mini runaway on vesak day to east coast park to cycle with my family. took loads of stupid pictures too... had a mini competition with my sis to see whose pictures are more... ahems. "artistic"... haha... i'm not uploading them tonight, cos i'm a bit tired and lazy XD but maybe after tomorrow, after i finish dealing with the 17 unfortunate souls incident. >_<

ok back to the cycling trip! my brother's away on exchange to cambridge *dammit. kids these days are damn lucky...* and so me my sis my mum and dad went on this trip suggested by none other her majesty... me! we charged to east coast park at around 12noon... *tell me which idiot cycles at 12 noon when the sun's just above your head?* and me n my sis got ourselves the normal bicycles, while my dad and mum shared a double bike...

cycling's so so fun! until... i fainted halfway through our trip. >_< i confess! i had only a lime sundae *that looks disgustingly like shrek, which is what it's made after...* for dinner the night before, ate a sort of pancake looking pastry for breakfast... before i cycled in the blazing hot sun... *ok it wasn't that hot... the vain me had to wear a cap to cover my short fringe that looks like it was standing up when i was cycling... and it's darn hot with that cap!*... so when my family stopped for a break i couldn't take it and i just collapsed on the floor... haha must have scared my family stiff! felt quite bad about it cos i didn't take care of my body + i was the organiser of this "outing" + they had to stop for a long while to wait for me to recover... and we didn't manage to cycle all the way to changi! but the breeze there was damn good. so good that we enjoyed it so much until it started pouring. -_- nice weather man...

so we literally braved through the storm together as a family... quite funny considering the events that happened to us recently... how apt... after i fainted, my mum took my bicycle and i took the double bike with my dad... we joked about how my bicycle is cursed and maybe the person riding it will faint halfway through the trip hahaha! i think my mum became paranoid and changed bicycles with my sis halfway through our way back... really enjoyed our slow ride back to the rental shop in the rain... i guess most of us was.. tired? haha~

cycling's fun! we must go again some other time! and i will make sure i eat properly before i go wahahaha~





today's our ktv trip at the $10 dollar club with my fellow hc classmates! pansy brought me a really nice orange handbag from her trip in kl... really love it! and nico sang so well that i can't help but to secretly record his singing... in hopes of putting it online someday to blackmail him... opps! haha~ should have told him during our supper... hahaha~ but 3 hrs is just so not enough for all of us! need to sing more... ='( though i'm extremely broke... sighz. need to find some ways to earn money fast and easy... sell butt? hey i'm kidding, k?

sighz. signing some documents tomorrow. going for my mum's friend's daughter's wedding dinner... hmph! i refuse to let myself feel down! rawr!

and now... time to hit my bed... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz... oh wait! my bomberman awaits me! XD

after being high *be it from the alcohol or self-induced* all you're left with is silence and sorrow...



all that matters is being true to yourself. i said that myself and i agree with this statement. yet... why is it that sometimes being true to yourself... it hurts?

i guess negativity still gets to me at times.

this morning i had the hallucination of having my wrist cut again. -_- and i thought i had snapped out of it... i told myself to get out of it and went to school late again for my project. i did what i had promised my group leader over the weekend but couldn't send it to her during the weekend cos i didn't spot her online, and when she received the file she told me she did it herself already cos she didn't know i was going to do it. dammit. that's more than twice this kind of thing had happened. if u wanna bao ka liao i'm not going to stop u. i wanted to make things easier for you, looks like u don't need it. no point trying to support pple who wanna chiong all the way i suppose. total waste of everybody's time.

it's not anybody's fault. i keep telling myself but it doesn't seem to help. the ineffectiveness of this entire project is really getting on my nerves. it's easy to just do my part and don't care about others. despite how much i hate that. i want to contribute too, but it seems as though i wouldn't get my chance. 1st is the upload cgi thing, then is the project proposal. no one knew abt the upload cgi thing though... no point doing anything cos it's going to be rejected at the end, isn't it? i've tried already... no point being sulky just because what i did isn't incorporated into the end product. i'm used to it anyway... trying to be helpful, only to be tossed away... just like that time 3 years ago. people think i'm too free and tossed all the shit to me. i fought back... because i'm not as free as they thought. harlow you guys didn't even understand that i had specially set aside time just to help u guys out. ungrateful people. i guess they're everywhere. and just because i fought back i guess i made a bad impression on them. fine by me, i don't wanna get involved in this kind of sai kang in the future too.




was watching/reading anime/manga... and came across 2 characters who didn't have the will to live... thinking it's fine to just die by accident since they didn't really have the will to live anyway... no you wouldn't die. because there are people who want you to survive. even against your will... so don't make them sad *at least for those with people who care about you* and do this kind of foolish acts.

no matter how much the world laughs at me... i wouldn't care, as long as i'm true to myself...

$40+ for a getaway from reality, from the harshness of life... to gain some sort of hope for life...

i guess that's pretty worth it.

some people just sux to the core. well, maybe me included. ok make that definitely me included. but there are definitely people who sux more. a bunch of people from a certain organization with the name ****. ok enough rant about some people insignificant that will not make much difference in my life. maybe blow away a grain of sand from my life maybe.

就算天塌下来，就把他当被盖。i like this phrase... how apt for my situation. thanks pansy for making me feel better in face of a rather small adversity. it's nothing really. i've learnt to look at things differently after talking to you... so whatever shit you throw me, u can't beat me. not now anyway...

i'm so glad that i'm not alone in this world... it felt this way for some time... but then i met my good friends... like pansy, yuchun, shian chi *you better come back soon! miss u loads...* thanks for being there for me... when i needed a shoulder to lean on... when i needed to gossip with... for giving me advice to my problems...

i dunno what i'm doing with my life... i thought i'll be good if i thought of what i wanna do in the future and set myself in that direction, but i can't find that arrow for myself... is it just me being indesicive? or just me being cowardly? running away from any problems that i face? i can't keep running away. i thought i've stopped to face them... but as always i'm an advocate of NATO... no action talk only. haha courtesy of zhi chao *dunno how to spell... think it's tze jun in english... what a weird name!* how do i take action then? hmmms...

enough thinking for tonight... i think i tend to ponder too deep into matters... causing me to be unable to see the problem/issue in perspective... ok time for more photos! sorry for the lousy quality though... i don't know and i'm lazy to use photoshop to make the pictures look better... so.. hahahaha...

we think it's an artistic shot... ok laugh if you must...

ok this time i admit... i think i had an artistic shot... but the front looks rather empty...

wooo~ pansy looking chio XD

that's me trying to act cute -_-'''

ooo cats are always cute by nature XD

i like this song loads... if i'm going ktv soon i wanna sing this to my best girlfriends... =)

老婆
歌手:S.H.E 作词:任家萱(selina) 作曲:陈嘉桦(ella)

从昨天到今天
还有明天
感谢老天
让你们陪在我身边

爱的心痛的心
等待的心
因为你们的拥抱
我很放心

当初见面的不安
彼此的探索
也许有些茫然迷惑

朝夕相处才发现
这世界中
没有人比你们更懂我

朋友姐妹
都已不够来形容
我们的默契骄傲
扶持与包容

老婆老婆
我们一起打勾勾
请记得约定的旅程到永久

finally... blogger seems to be back to its old self...

sometimes i wonder if i'm just being depressed... as in clinically depressed. i keep thinking of the worst scenarios that can happen to me... like while i'm just walking down the stairs with a bottle *glass bottle to be exact* of snapple, i'll image me tripping down the stairs, and the shards of glass from the broken bottle cutting my face... or when i'm crossing the road or sitting in the car, a terrible car accident will happen... or just me having this big cut across my wrist when i'm just stoning... things like that. sometimes it really bothers me why i'm so plain pessimistic... and others around me can tell me i'm optimistic. the cold hard truth is i'm optimistic about others but not matters regarding myself...

it's easier if you never had expectations at all. in this way you wouldn't suffer when your expectations are not met. i thought this was drilled all the way into my head, but i guess sometimes it just slips my mind. but living in a life with no expectations of any kind seems to be a life without any meaning or motivation. it felt as though i'm just waiting for someone to take my life away from me. maybe i really am. but others can tell me i've got a bright future waiting for me. i'll think : what future? can you see it? what makes you so sure it's bright and not dark? or is there even a future?

i guess being too critical will get you nowhere...

and the thing about my project in school... i feel useless in the group. cos i don't seem to have the knowledge to do things... neither do i have any ideas to input... am i just plain pessimistic cos i felt like i wanna disappear from that lab where everyone seems to be working hard while i'm doing nothing at all? what can i do to make me a more worthy member of a project group?

regarding the blog layout... i'm still trying to figure out how to draw and digitally colour the image... seriously... it isn't as easy as i thought... the character design+costume+background... is simply omgs. now i totally admire and idolize mangakas *people who draw manga*... lol...

alright... that's a short update on my part =)

darn it. blogger sux. =(

i'm not going to retype the entry this dumb blogger decides to reject. boo.

after a whooping 5 days looking at the same picture, me and my sister finally realised something devasting...

presenting to you... the one eyebrow-ed man!


my sister had worked on this for 5 days... and not a single day without complaining to me... i guess she had enough looking at his face... and she didn't even realise he had only 1 eyebrow until i tried to input some ideas to her by drawing out his face in my normal manga style... and while imitating his face on the computer screen... the dire realisation struck me... this man had 1 missing eyebrow! amazed by this fact, we looked back at the original image of him and realised the hard core truth...

the sad thing is... after we're thoroughly excited by the fact we're going to print the one eyebrow man on the concert tickets and poster... after her hard work... someone in her committee said she shouldn't paste the chinese word on his face. hey it's art ok... those people have absolutely no artistic sense despite being part of co...

忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍。

好，我忍。

so this is what the lack of sleep and being heaty results... of course there are other factors, but they make your eyes swell and hard to open, gives u a slight headache and makes you feel like flaring up at any slight provocation...

rawr. i'm going to explode. you better stop any funny ideas you have. damn it.

yesterday was too havoc a day for me... until i didn't have any energy left in me to blog about my wonderful.... fattening? experience with my best friends pansy and sheila from hc... we went to suki yaki at marina centre... and all went loose... well, picture speaks a thousand words...

wow.... looking at this picture makes me feel hungry again!

that's pansy pigging out enjoying her prawn...

while we're still sane and cooking our feast like good little girls...

after the feast... what's left of it...

we had ice cream after all these madness... with pansy and sheila complaining about how full they were and i still had some stomach space left... *opps i gave myself away* but nevertheless we moved on to our dessert... ice cream! it's the first time i'm eating "self-made" ice cream which essentially involved you scraping and flipping the ice cream liquid on this really cold surface, leaving you with the cold ice cream! and pansy and i both think i'm pretty good at it... maybe i can consider that as my future profession... LOL! the sad thing is i forgot to take pictures of us making ice cream... =( *too attracted by the ice cream...*

next we went shopping... and i spent a whooping $50 bucks on clothes... one of them was quite cool... but i felt i was pushed into buying it by that kinda irritating salesperson... but i kinda wanted it too... so i didn't violently object when she just pushed the clothes to her assistant and told her to enter the receipt... darn it i should have been given more time to think about it. darn. i hate this kind of sales people... the other product of my conquest was my long-awaited pair of shorts... seriously the singapore weather is driving me crazy with the amount of heat the sun radiates on our portion of the earth. so i had to get that pair of shorts... which was at a whooping $18 bucks only! half priced somemore! rawrs. though it was kinda a good buy... but all in all i spent 200+ bucks in these 4 days... =(

today... taught tuition in the morning, followed by ktv in the afternoon with my ntu friends... loads of thoughts... i thought i sang pretty well XD *my mum insists that i'm narcissistic... well maybe i am XD* but i need more ktv! someone better accompany me to ktv again soon... and i mean damn soon... like next sat/sun? then in the evening dropped by yuchun's house to help her sister with physics... didn't feel like i helped much cos i have a feeling her sister, though inquisitive, has a rather short attention span... and i can't blame her for that, cos she's still young while i'm paid to keep talking non stop without brain blocks or becoming seh... unless i'm facing some ultra cheem maths problems... and this pretty much sums up my activities for these 2 days!

and now for the irritating 20 people group project starting tomorrow... sighz.
















never. ever. follow someone else's footsteps to the extent of losing yourself. i saw you falling into that same trap as i did 4 years ago, and i know it doesn't help at all. i want to tell you this, but i don't have the courage or the authority to let you know. now i totally understand how he felt then... i was such a dumb idiot... never ever lose yourself over something as small as this... in the heat of things u might think u're willing to lose yourself in this, but in afterthought u'll probably regret it. people will like and accept you for who you are, not for who you aren't.

ok enough of my nonsense... time to knock out soon if i want to be able to wake up tomorrow morning... sighz.

yay! exams are finally over! i want to sleep, rest, go out to shop, read all my manga plus watch all my anime, plus ride on this...

yesh! this is a ferris wheel i took at the woodlands mrt platform... lolx... was there yesterday as part of my pasam malam 之旅 with my sister... well, only i was the idiot who wanted to ride on that... haha... <-- so old still don't wanna grow up =( since exams are over, i seized the time to go out with my friends before i'm tied down to another 5-week project that's 8-5 every weekday... so for today the clique i'm hanging out with is with my ny sec4 classmates yuchun, yihui and jiayuan! did something terribly sinful today... and i shall make u share my sin by showing you these pictures...

wooohooo! tiramisu! it's surprisingly super tasty for its weird shape... haha!

yummys blueberry cheesecake! *feels as though i'm i was in heaven...*

sin in love... really sinful with that yummy hot brownie in chocolate plus the chewy coffee icecream!

sinful sinful sinful!!! triple choc is just so chocolatey!

a "group" photos of these wonderful desserts...

it was a totally sinful affair... but after that wonderful meal *it was at a restaurant called secret garden that's somewhere along middle road*.... we found this outside the restaurant and decided to challenge its toughness by sitting on it...


then i tried to take a candid picture of yuchun despite her violent objections... and this is what i got...


seriously it looks more like a "talk to my hand" picture... so i edited it slightly to this...



can't wait to hang out with you guys again! =)

most people would like to think they're like durians; they may not look or smell nice on the outside, but good on the inside.

if it's me; i'm a rotten apple, looks good on the outside, but smells bad on the inside.













明明跟我一点关系都没有了，但偏偏还想知道对方过得如何。或许这就是我曾说过的：人的本性就是爱kaypo。他的死活快乐根本跟你一点关系都没有，干吗还要自作多情?不关我的事，不关我的事。。。














and it's about time for a new layout! thinking of changing the background... but the general script shall remain the same or i'll change it to the one similar to my anime blog... oh yah the anime blog needs a revamp as well... haiz i'm thinking of changing that one to a blog that'll only be updated during my summer holidays... shall name it ～青空の下～ anime blog v.2 夏の記憶... which means literally ~below the blue sky~ anime blog v.2 memories of summer... rawrs.

during the holidays, if possible, i'll like to brush up on my japanese... plus to learn a little about colouring using the computer... unfortunately, as most can probably tell, my watercolouring skills simply sux. *looks at the girl drawing on the left* and even more unfortunately, my sister who's taking architeture now doesn't know how to colour using photoshop or some other software as well! argh. where in the world am i going to pick up these skills? =X

besides that... it's time to start thinking again what is really my aim in life. why am i even in ntu. everything just feels... incorrect. from the stupid choice i made around 3 years ago onwards, it seems nothing has been going totally correct. is this just adolescence or just me. time to pick up on my pace in life and start working hard man... the world and the rest of the people around you aren't going to wait for you...

sighz. so many things to say, no one i can really talk to about this things. out of fear of no one understanding me as well... haha well in short, i'm just one idiot. baka.

明明在考试当中，但总是心不在焉。

我最讨厌的就是为了讨好别人而故意作出与自己性格完全不相同的人。譬如，为了让自己喜欢的人对自己有好感，就故意作出一些事情来让他注意。就像是故意打听他喜欢什么样的东西，然后自己去研究，这样就能跟他有共同的话题。这本身看起来没有什么不对，但是如果自己平时都没有对这种事情有兴趣，这样一来不会觉得很奇怪吗？这种没有个性的人。。。最讨厌了。我认为，如果是真正的喜欢，决不须靠这种小“手段”来让真爱到手。如果对方爱上的不是真正的自己，那么在一起的时候，你就不能很自在，因为你不能让这不是真正的自己穿帮，不是吗？

经过了这么多的事情之后，我已感到非常的疲倦了，甚至一直问自己：我到底是为了什么而努力呢？放眼看别人，有些人看起来根本就没有什么努力，可是在事业上却也不是那么的成功？总觉得。。。为什么要那么拼命呢？一问自己这个题目，我就发现我根本没有一个好的答案来回答自己。是为了自己吗？还是为了别人？如果是别人，那个别人是谁？我的父母？爱人？根本就没有所谓的别人。说是为自己努力，动机又在何处？为什么要为自己努力呢？为了以后美好的生活？

无法回答这个问题的我根本就无心向上，努力地为考试奋斗。天天在家看起来无所事事，好像已经准备好一切了，实际上并非如此。心里有一股愤怒，却又没有心情来努力。这样的自己让我非常苦恼，却又想不出有什么办法让自己振作起来。。。

再过多几天，考试就结束了。心仪的假期终于即将来临。。。才怪！过了考试还有多五个星期的project要赶，一想到这一点，就算心里有任何动力都会即刻消失。啊啊啊，不想在想下去了。烦烦烦！

希望在明天的考试来领之前我能读完他啊。。。嗨。。。

中国话
歌手：s.h.e 曲:郑楠 词:郑楠 施人诚

扁担宽板凳长
扁担想绑在板凳上
扁担宽板凳长
扁担想绑在板凳上

伦敦玛莉莲买了件旗袍送妈妈
莫斯科的夫司基爱上牛肉面疙瘩
各种颜色的皮肤各种颜色的头发
嘴里念的说的开始流行中国话

多少年我们苦练英文发音和文法
这几年换他们卷著舌头学平上去入的变化
平平仄仄平平仄
好聪明的中国人好优美的中国话

扁担宽板凳长
扁担想绑在板凳上
板凳不让扁担绑在板凳上
扁担偏要绑在板凳上
板凳偏偏不让扁担绑在那板凳上
到底扁担宽还是板凳长
哥哥弟弟坡前坐
坡上卧著一只鹅
坡下流著一条河
哥哥说宽宽的河
弟弟说白白的鹅
鹅要过河河要渡鹅
不知是那鹅过河
还是河渡鹅

全世界都在学中国话
孔夫子的话越来越国际化
全世界都在讲中国话
我们说的话让世界都认真听话

纽约苏珊娜开了间禅风lounge bar
柏林来的沃夫冈拿胡琴配著电吉他
各种颜色的皮肤各种颜色的头发
嘴里念的说的开始流行中国话

多少年我们苦练英文发音和文法
这几年换他们卷著舌头学平上去入的变化
仄仄平平仄仄平
好聪明的中国人好优美的中国话

有个小孩叫小杜
上街打醋又买布
买了布打了醋
回头看见鹰抓兔
放下布搁下醋
上前去追鹰和兔
飞了鹰跑了兔
洒了醋湿了布
嘴说腿腿说嘴
嘴说腿爱跑腿
腿说嘴爱卖嘴
光动嘴不动腿
光动腿不动嘴
不如不长腿和嘴
到底是那嘴说腿还是腿说嘴

全世界都在学中国话
孔夫子的话越来越国际化
全世界都在讲中国话
我们说的话让世界都认真听话

全世界都在学中国话
孔夫子的话越来越国际化
全世界都在讲中国话
我们说的话让世界都认真听话

逆风
歌手: garden sister 曲: mia 词: 于光中

用独特的关键字眼 我搜寻着世界
只想找到一个空间 布置我的宣言

梦想已存放许多 不在乎被谁偷走
我只有一个感受 我真的真的 我真的受伤过

黑夜逆风细雨 梦想热情和我
痛苦却又甜蜜 why should i care at all? at all...

我不管别人的看法 却又想被人看见
你总是说出了盲点 有时候真是讨厌

信心已存放了许多 你不在却不好过
我只有一个感受 你真的真的 你真的够爱我

黑夜逆风细雨 梦想热情和我
痛苦却又甜蜜 why should i care, why should i care,
why should i care at all? at all...

每个选择路口 我就挑难的路走
每次你放弃我 我突然回头 你却还跟着我

黑夜逆风细雨 梦想热情和我
痛苦却又甜蜜 why should i care, why should i care,
why should i care at all? at all...

听说你比从前快乐。虽然离你那么的遥远，但也为此而替你感到欣慰。如果上帝真的存在，为你祈求快乐的愿望是否已实现了？

感到疲惫。这时候的我，已经站也站不稳。在回家的路上差点又被车撞。哈哈我这个笨蛋没看清楚车，以为它要停在路口，没想到只是他在学车，驾得比较慢，结果我差点给它撞。这时的我问自己，为什么要弄到自己这么累？有什么意义？明明可以轻松点，我却偏偏选择比较难走的路。或许我真的是个傻瓜。。。

觉得自己好自大自我。再怎么隐藏也无法收敛的缺点。我明明希望能变得更好，但人好像只会越变越坏，不可能越变越好。对于人生的无奈，似乎无法改变的世界让我感到厌倦与些许愤怒。对自己的无能感到烦躁，痛恨自己没有力量来改变这个不完美的世界。但或许每个人都得经历这段心路过程，所以目前的我不想想得太多。只想马上躺在床上，一觉到天明，不用再为考试而烦恼，或为时尚琐碎的事情而伤透脑子。

i know i'm being selfish... but...

can't we only have laughter and no tears at all?














deep down i knew it. we have tears to let us enjoy laughter and merriment even more. so the only thing i can do now is to wish for all those who aren't laughing now to find their happy selves back soon...

it's time to start your engine you slacking idiot. first paper in another 3 days time *including today* and you haven't even finished all your tutorials. freaking 16 tutorials waiting for you. i don't care what you've been doing earlier. what's important is this: what others have is a mere 6 papers to deal with. you've got 8. and they're working much harder than you. remember: your goal to get better grades this semester... you want all your subjects to get A? haha don't make me laugh. look at you now. you haven't even done your revision proper. do you know your facts? no! if others have just 6 papers and you've got 8, you jolly well work twice as hard as them. and not forgetting u need to stay on top of the crowd... means u have to work even harder than that. so start planning your time wisely and stop stoning online. RAWRS.

TURN YOUR ENGINE TO TURBO MODE. NOW.

思念。是否是在雨天，或是在深夜的时候感觉特别强烈？

怀念。那些再也倒不回的时光，还是只因对现状的不满？

疲倦。是因为繁忙的生活，还是不想让自己停下脚步呢？

后悔。当时无法挽留的一切，所做过的那些愚昧的举动。。。

逞强。当无法沉浸在过去的回忆里，唯能继续向前迈进。。。

congrats to me again.

i sprained my back again. !@$%^&*^$#@%^&^#

it was over quite a lame reason... i was teaching my student maths at tuition yesterday... and it seems the posture i had while stretching over to my right to show her the working for like half an hour finally took effect as a permanent sprained back which only showed its true colours just before i went to bed. -_-

considering i can't and don't want to sit in a bad chair without proper and nice cushioning for my back with this lower left backache, i decided to skip school.

with my first paper another 7 days away *excluding today* plus another 17 undone tutorials *oh well i slacked my entire last week away* and my electives quizzes/exam yet unprepared... rawrs. i can foresee my entire degree audit with Cs and Ds for this semester X'(

and i finally stopped believing in the horoscope that i have made it send to my inbox everyday... they said i'm in luck today. what luck.

how nice.

1 more week to quiz, 3 more weeks to exam and i realise i haven't printed the second half of the semester's lecture notes. applause pls.

stuck in school with another lousy school computer that doesn't allow any other input language except english. -_-

been feeling kinda moody this weekend... totally no motivation at all... sighz.

how to catch up in time for my exams in 14days time? TT_TT

おはようございます！16 more days till my first paper(which is maths... my "fav" subject hahas)...

loads of stupid stuff that i wanna do... not now... probably after the exams....

1. my sashimi buffet! ok... the last time i went i put on weight cos i ate too much lmao. and my goal now's to reduce my weight! with this little "wish" of mine, i'll probably never be able to reach that target... lolx...

2. sleep more! my eye bags are really irritating me...

3. master a piano piece! er.... i'm recently interested in a piano piece... for two pianos! am i just stupid or plain lame? first there's only one piano in my house, second no one else is going to play the 2nd piano part together with me. so conclusion. i'm dumb. baka. rawrs.

4. study for jlpt 3... haha that's my aim at the end of the year... that is to be able to pass this exam... =) good thing is i'll probably be able to take japanese level 4 next semester... which will greatly help me in preparing for this test... well, i've got an acquintance that passed this exam with just jap level 3 and not studying the vocab for jlpt... (on the night before the exam itself he was still looking through at the list of vocabulary and laughing at how many he doesn't know... like a thousand of them?)

5. think through about my future career options... i just made the choice of going into communications and information technology when i go year 4... i wonder if it's where i really want to be... i even wonder whether i really want to be in ntu studying eee... but right now, it's too late to change path and steer myself elsewhere imo... sighz. who ask me to be near-sighted and never think beyond what i can see... =(

6. go get myself employed. i need money. money. money! omg i bet u can see the money signs on my eyeballs or something. desperately in need of money... one reason is to make me feel not so poor, second is for my bank account to at least grow not diminish. sadly since the start of the year, due to multiple reasons (like my reduced income, didn't work during breaks last year, went on an overseas trip, buying loads of manga, buying textbooks for jlpt, so many friends turning 21!) my bank account decreased tremendously... enough to make me panic. i hate to get money from my parents so i'll have to work my ass off to pay for all the frivolous things i want to have... like more clothes shoes and even that sashimi buffet wahaha... and not forgetting all the textbooks i'll need when the next semester starts... and more friend's birthdays coming up too! ='( for my wallet... so i'll have to work hard man... i mean woman...

oh wait. exams haven't even started, and the end of all these madness is more than a month away! and here i am fanatasizing about what i wanna do after this craziness. >_< time to head back to reality man... =( things i wanna do before exams start...

1. eat my pizzas for breakfast. XD

2. clear all my 25 remaining tutorials in the remaining 16 days? o_O that means i have to do like 2 tutorials per day. blehs.

3. prepare for my astronomy quiz... despite me having s/u that subject (meaning as long as i get a pass i wouldn't care)... but considering how i have never turned up for a single lecture(oh well i did go for the first one.... and popped by a few times, but i'm only physically there... the mind... oh well u understand XD) it's time to start panicking and worry about the quiz in another week's time... plus i have the strange "habit" of confusing astronomy with the word astrology... =X

4. japanese oral and listening test in a weeks time! so much vocabulary and grammer to master! plus all the crazy homework waiting for me.... rawrs.

yeaps that's about it. sounds little as compared to the earlier list of the things i wanna do after exams... lmao... it's a good thing i'm kinda motivated now... cos i'm mugging with my lecture group friends... and we're competing with each other to see who manages to catch up with the other hahahaha.... edwin you better watch out. rawrs.

so... shhh... time for me to start mugging while the rest of the world is still slacking... ;)

rawr. ohayo ne. gakkou ni iru. koko no kompyuuta wa totemo yokunai, nihon go no inpuuto ga nai kara. rawrs. *ok the rawring part is not japanese =(*

loads of thoughts in my head that i can't get rid of... it's kinda irritating cos it makes me think about it even when i'm trying to do my tutorials in school now. japanese then analog electronics. not a good combination. add in the lack of sleep. and my crave for... hot steaming chicken porridge? ok just take it i'm crazy.

thinking about friendship and love. again hahaha. yesterday i felt a little bad, cos one of my friends from japanese class... the guy she liked is attatched... haha that sounds a little nostalgic... remembering the days i once had... so i can understand how she feels... but i'm not really close to her considering i only knew her from jap class this semester... although i tried to talk to her to make her cheer up a little... i can't tell whether it's just her being tired from school that day, or it's because of that... once we stop talking she looked sad... and i couldn't help at all... i've met with similar situations before, but each time i feel being unable to help my friend i'll get mad at my incompetence though i knew deep down there's nothing wrong and nothing i can do to change that... rawr.

thinking about pico again. lmao. i think i've gone pico-crazy.... even my handphone wallpaper is a cute picture of her... =) looking at her makes me smile. omg it's like she's my child liddat lmao...

motivation motivation motivation. lately i've been thinking... what if the reason that had been propelling you to do something in the past is no longer there? would you still persist in what u're doing or just give up the whole matter and pursue something else? it's like me doing eee in ntu now... at the beginning i thought i had the passion for it... which i did i suppose... now i'm lost as to where to go next... because the propelling reason is now gone... why am i even in ntu? i admit it's fun to play with the breadboards here and write computer programs for computing and microprocessor lessons... but comparing it to life in nus.... i suppose it should be around the same? then why am i in ntu instead of nus when i can go to both schools anyway... the deciding factor for me to come to ntu is gone anyway...

living in a world without you. the future i once predicted had you. but now u're not there. my future would be without you too. how do i deviate my current life into such a future? if i see u again next time, how will things be like? so many questions but no answers to them...

i suppose this might just mean i'm too free to ponder about all these questions. means i'm not stressed enough. 2+ weeks more to exams! 30+ tutorials to clear! loads of notes to memorise especially for electives! ok i feel the stress already... time to head back to the "wonderful" world of op-amps and analog electronics. bleh.

i'm back again... feeling much better than the previous time... though i'm currently under a torment of some stupid headache... thanks to eugene and cyc... those comments made me feel a little better... at least someone understands me... but yeap it's my family, i'll always be part of it no matter how much i hate it or stuff. it's their way of showing they care i suppose, so i just have to bear with it.

some new stuff... exams in 3 weeks time damn it. pansy's kitten called Pico (dunno if the spelling's right) is damn cute! can't get enough of going over to her house to play with Pico for 3 consecutive days lolx... she's *i'm refering to Pico btw* injured... had a fracture on her right hind leg... and she's actually a stray kitten... but pansy the cat lover brought Pico home to take care of her leg... and she's so cute! learned how to hold her using my hands today haha... i like pets though i probably lack the responsibility to take good care of them...

some questions people had asked me before and spurred me to question myself beyond that... are those grey areas of life... like how people these days lack the motivation to live and do well in life... like the morality of love : the motivation behind love... and. when i'm getting attatched. -_-''' ok that's pretty out of point.

first things first : i totally agree most people these days lack the drive to go on and strive for greater heights. our lives are filled with work work work, with no time to enjoy the beautiful things around us. Even if we are really that self motivated, in the long run that's not going to last for long imo. so moral of the story, stop our footsteps and listen to what our needs are. do we need money? do we need that much of money? do we need to study? do we need to study that much? so... don't bother studying for the exams in 3 weeks time! woohoo~

next. morality of love. what motivates people to love? when my friend asked me when i'm getting myself attatched, i should have told him i'm emotionally attatched to myself. rawr. then we wouldn't have to go on to talk about the reason for people to become attatched : whether it's right or wrong to fall in love just because you need someone there for you, because u're lonely. of course, textbook answers say no. but in reality? i doubt how many would really stick to that textbook answer. it seems these days love is so fickle... people's hearts can change within a split second. so how can i believe those useless textbook answers?

third. let's consider this scenario... if there's someone of the opposite sex u kinda like and are rather good pals with him/her, but that person is already attatched. would you continue to be friends and become even closer, or pull out of the whole scenario out of fear of you doing something you wouldn't want to do? answer should be... the former. but the latter seems rather valid to me too. haha maybe i just like wandering around the grey areas...

fourth. i've thought about this long deep and whatever. (fill in the blank yourself, can't think of the adjective right now.) what specialisation should i choose for my final year? time really flies. sighz now i really wonder about my choice of coming to ntu to study eee. i wonder about my true motivation behind this choice. on the surface i claim i prefer practical stuff (which is true)... but deep down, i wonder if something else had been the ultimate factor pulling me all the way here. which was a stupid move anyway. originally it was a move for a future i had predicted, which didn't and wouldn't happen anyway. so that's a stupid move. so in an attempt to salvage this stupid move, i have to come up with a slightly better plan for my "future" so that i wouldn't walk down this road regretting every minute of it. not that i am now, but... you get my point. should i go computer engineering (from eee? am i crazy?) or communication engineering? or information and communications? rawr. i have no idea... sighz.

fifth. this ever on-going debate within myself. what is the difference between true love and just habitual "love". habitually thinking about someone, habitually waiting for someone. hmmmmms. does that sound suggestive? whatever u're thinking of... it's not wahahahahahahaha. or then again. maybe it is. whisper into my ear and i'll probably let u know what i'm actually thinking.

omg i'm not making sense. it doesn't help when u have like 26 tutorials to finish in less than 21 days. meaning i need to do like 2 tutorials a day? and i haven't even finished 1 tonite. sighz. i wish i can self proclaim e-learning week for the next 3 weeks. =(

i hate it whenever i quarrel with someone. i hate it when all the anger and resentment pent up within me shoots up and takes over my actions... stopping me from hearing what others have to say, unable to see who's in the wrong and who's right.

for a moment, i had the accusation going on in my head... for all the bad things i have in my life, it's cos of you. cos of the "prison" and limitations you put on me. i'm not going to be your little girl forever. i'm always "teased" by my friends to be mummy's girl. even when i'm no longer young anymore. i know i know... in parent's eyes, their child will always be their child. but i'm sick of that. having to return home by 12, setting good example for my younger siblings... responsibilities that they emphasize too much till the point i don't want to acknowldege them... so i always end up running from them. i hate being the eldest. i hate being scolded for the things that the eldest always have to fight for... like more freedom... just look at how smug my brother is.. he doesn't have to worry much about returning home late because i was the one who got scolded beforehand for returning home late. so if i was a guy and not the eldest i'd probably not be the target of all these constant nagging and things like that.

i'm not always going to be your little girl. i appreciate you trying to protect me and stuff, but if u're not around what am i going to do? if one day i have nowhere to return to, will i still be able to survive on my own in this world? sadly, for now i think the answer is a no. i hate that. i hate growing up but i hate being so dependent on others, which makes me feel so insecure, as i know deep down this pillar for me to lean on might disappear any time...

sometimes i just hate the way my family works... no visitors allowed in the house. cannot return home beyond 12. that's just so autocratic. but i must admit the support they give me is not that bad too. like having not to do house chores every single day... it does give me one less worry... and let me relax a little more when i reach home. the last thing i ever want is to feel even stressed when i'm home. stress is left for the world outside of my home. but unfortunately that can't be true. stress is everywhere. and in the mind. not something i can probably control, but i want to try to keep it that way.

we're not supposed to openly express our desires in asian societies. i hate that. i hate that idea imprinted into my family. not that i don't express my desire, but just look at me my sis and my brother.... we don't openly express our desires that we have deep down to our friends or even within our family. is it just the way this family was brought up or what i don't know.

i just know sometimes i'm so sick of this family despite all its good points that i want to run away from it...

late night ramblings

another late night entry... time check now is 3:23am...

was at my pri school class outing... apparently they had another outing last year but i wasn't informed i suppose... don't really know what to say to them too... i wonder if it's cos i just don't like to interact in big groups... or it's just one of my excuses again...

feeling super duper tireds now, but i don't want to sleep now... wanted to study until the next morning... bet i'll become a panda by then... but my eye lids are getting pretty heavy...

i'm really sure this is probably one of my "think a lot" times again... usually this kind of periods last for like from a few days to maybe weeks... seems like the person whom i thought i am is very different from what others think i am... can't decide whether this is a good thing or a bad thing...

i realise i have a really short attention span. and i can't standing having too many pple trying to talk at the same time. it happened at my class outing just now... having too many ongoing conversations made me totally unable to focus on any single one of them... so i ended up staying silent most of the time, trying to listen and catch up on stuff i didn't know... i wonder if it's cos i kinda shut myself out for 2 years... almost there... and i wonder why i tend to listen to others more... is it because i don't wanna fight with them the chance to speak my mind, or issit because i'm afraid no one's interested to hear what i've been through. or maybe it's cos of my lack of communication skills... i lack the ability to say witty things to make people laugh? whatever it is... it means i probably have to brush up my skills with interacting with pple in huge groups. strangely that sounds so wrong... like i'm doing for the sake of doing. or like i'm someone extremely false...

once again bringing me back to the point of my "identity crisis"... who exactly am i? some pple commented that i seem super fake when they first meet me... when they don't really know me... i wonder if i appear so to my pri school classmates. whatever it is... how they view me might matter... but the most important thing is whether i'm staying true to who i am. they can think that i'm being false when i'm showing my true self, but i wouldn't really care. cos i understand... strangely... that i'm used to being misunderstood... hahahaha~

don't wanna sleep tonight. want to study. but my back's aching like crazy. tell me what to do now?

all man has sins.
god is forgiving and forgives man's sins.
but i am not god.
i'm not as forgiving as him.
i can forgive all except mine.

another restless night. having a slight headache from lack of sleep from previous night... wondering how i'll spend my weekend on pri school class outing, looking for bdae present and how to finish studying and try to catch up on schoolwork. not as busy as probably su weixiang... whom i've talked to just now... guess we're all busy with our own lives... hard to find time to catch up with friends whom we don't meet as well...

you really should let go... he was the one who wanted to leave from your sight to seek his own happiness. and when it seems he doesn't find that... it's not your fault at all. it has got nothing to do with you in the first place. repeat that in your mind 1000 times.

having a little bit of... erms... constipation? body not feeling really good... on the verge of falling sick perhaps... irregular eating times, not enough sleep, not eating good and i wanna try reduce my weight. *yar yar... 50 by may...* i survived another day without incurring bruises to myself! though there were several things that happened that might have bruised me... like tripping over the stairs, my toe with the nail chipped off stepped by a stranger on the crowded bus etc. i'm still alive. is that supposed to be a "yatta!" or a "oh shit"?

i wonder... if i meet you again in school... how would we react to each other's presence? say hi like normal friends? or pretend we didn't see each other. or even pretend we don't know each other. all is wrong in the first place.

i don't understand why i'm so stubborn about this whole thing.

yeah. time to make it all disappear.

wow. another 12:30am entry late in the night. tireds to the core, but this happens every single day when i reach home... not a easy thing to cope with quizzes happening every single week... plus catching up on school work i've lagged since start of school hahaha~ loads of thoughts these few weeks... wonder if i have the time energy and if i even remember what i wanted to talk about...

been feeling a little... suicidal? these days... well... seems like i've caught the "accident-prone" disease from my good friend pansy... if i didn't remember wrongly, 2 weeks ago my left big toe nail got chipped off half of it... next few days i fell on my back while running along the wet corridor in my house, resulting in a sprained back... then just after the bruises on my back disappeared i got hit by a stupid bicycle *who shot past the red lights on the road, got horned by cars, hitting the pedestrain (yes that's me) that was just trying to cross the road when the green man just lit up...* and yeap. i hurt my back again -_-. so i was convinced that within the next few days i'll probably meet with a even bigger mishap. like getting hit on the head by a falling flower pot. or like what my friend said, getting choked while eating food. after i "cursed" myself in front of my friends, a few moments later i trapped and bruised my right index finger cos i was half awake and tried to keep the small table in the lecture theatre. wow.

wad's next? besides the falling flower pot or getting choked? getting electrocuted or something? or struck by lightning? i'll be waiting for you.... wadeva mishap that's on the way. i've even got my handy zam-bak which helps heal bruises faster in my bag... *which i used to get rid of the painful bruise on my right index finger haha* yar... so wadever it is... i'm not afraid. bah.

then there's the thing with my... rebellious and... maybe a little rude? tuition kid. yes i'm talking about you, mark... haha... see... sometimes i really think about the things you say to me... hmmms... like saying i'm fat *well i admit i'm not really thin like a skeleton... er you get my point* yeaps it's time i should go on a diet, thanks very much for reminding me that... then next... about me being a loner... hmms i didn't rebut you that time cos i thought... maybe there's some truth to that. but after some of the crazy things i've done with my ntu friends today... i guess not? well... a lot of things i didn't say to my ntu friends... and neither to mark as well... i don't like to rely on people too much. cos i think i'll grow too dependent on them... so i prefer to do things on my own if i can handle it myself. well... people will probably think i'm anti-social? maybe that's not my primary concern here regarding this issue... it's sorta my principle in life bah... second... i'm the... passive kind... i don't usually ask my friends to go on errands with me cos i don't want them to waste their precious time on simple stuff i need to go out to do... and going out alone doesn't mean u're a loner... ok so much for self defense haha...

i admit i'm not a very good friend. what kind of people qualify as being "a good friend"? maybe it's when you take the initiative to celebrate for your friend's birthday? not betraying their trust. yeah i think that's one of the important things i value in a true friendship. sadly not everyone can stay true to their relationship. there's so much deceit going on in this world that sometime i'm just too disgusted by it. or maybe i'm just thinking too much.

this brings to mind... ah. the stupid dip project thingy. that time when our group approached a certain professor to ask him to be our overall supervisor with our idea, he initially seemed interested and we thought our proposal would be approved. next he told us it was just too broad. after we're totally sick and tired of our proposals being rejected, under the list of projects accepted by mentoring professors, we saw his name there. meaning, he probably had another group approach him and he chose that group over ours? well... maybe i'm misunderstanding something here, don't think anyone out there could provide an explanation to this... but it just didn't feel good. makes me wonder how true are the responses from these professors... they can seem friendly to you during lectures *well they probably have to, if they value their job and want to look good as a lecturer?* but beyond that? are they still as friendly as they seem? how true are they to themselves? oh wait. i should be asking myself this question.

who exactly am i? i'm thoroughly confused with myself. my identity. am i just a stupid brainless idiot who likes to entertain and bring joy to those around me, or the selfish bastard who ignores others needs and immerse in my own problems or something? whatever it is. i hate to be hovering between the two. one moment i can be so warm to others, the next moment i want to be just left alone. if any guy can differentiate my mood and what i want to do, haha i'll be that guy's girlfriend. ok that was meant to be a joke. laugh please.

i'm just too skeptial for my own good. i don't know why... is this some kind of... depression? or maybe it's not so serious... just simply pessimism? when i go out and meet people... sometimes when i interact with them, i "hear" totally negative voices interpreting others actions in my head... like when someone's nice to me... i'll "think" that... oh that's just cause u'll need my help later, so u're being nice to me now... or like when someone asks me a question... i know i should try my best to answer to his/her query, but sometimes i get the "idea" that... hey u're not really serious about knowing the answer to this... so why bother explaining to you? is this skeptism or pessimism or is there really something wrong with me?

not that i'll expect any kind of answer here anyway. just thought i'll post it online as one of my never ending rants.

and just to add on to the rants: when will the quizzes ever end? rawr.

on a side note... just after i posted this entry... i'm back to edit it. seems like i've treaded on something i shouldn't have gone back to visit. don't understand why... maybe it's just cos it's late at night where no one can disturb the flashbacks i get from the past. a pang of hurt, pain and maybe... resignation to whatever that had happened. no way we can connect the broken relationship back again i suppose. we're never good friends in the first place anyway. not that i'll take the first move again, haha. damn it. i hate myself for being so stubborn and unable to wipe away scars from the past.

i thought the song below was nice... except for the lyrics sounding a little funny... well it's a j-pop song though it's sung in english. can't blame them if the engrish sounds furnies...



Winter Song
sung by : OLIVA inspi' REIRA ~Trapnest~

It keeps coming back to me
I remember this pain
It spreads across my eyes
Everything is dull

Everyone's smiling, they're smiling

It pushes me far, far away
I can't understand
Everything is blue

Can you hear me out there?

Will you hold me now...
Hold me now
My frozen heart
I'm gazing from the distance and...
I feel everything pass through me
I can't be alone right now

Will you hold me now
Hold me now
My frozen heart
I'm lost in a deep winter sleep
I can't seem to find my way out alone
Can you wake me

I know when I let it in
It hides love from this moment
So I guard it close
I watch the moves it makes

But it gets me, but it gets me

I wish I could understand how I
Could make it disappear...
Make it disappear

Anyone out there hear me now?

Will you hold me now
Hold me now
My frozen heart
Kiss my lips and maybe you can
Take me to your world for now
I can't be alone right now

Will you hold me now
Hold me now
My frozen heart
Please make it all go away
Am I ever gonna feel myself again?
I hope I will...

Will you hold me now...
Hold me now
My frozen heart
I'm gazing from the distance and...
I feel everything pass through me
I can't be alone right now

Will you hold me now
Hold me now
My frozen heart
I'm lost in a deep winter sleep
I can't seem to find my way out alone...
Can you wake me?

今天从下午开始下起了豪雨，让我整天都沉浸在迷迷糊糊的状态。明明想要在教补习之前那小小空档的时间来好好享用晚餐，到了最后却忽然改变主意，无缘无故跑 到书局去，只是想要走走看看有没有什么好看的书 *其实是要找飞轮海的写真。。。虽然我早就知道他们应该是卖到断货了。。。* 却让我发现了几米最新的作品！

书名是《恋之风景》。当初看到这本“宝”的第一感想只是：哇。几米又有新书了！兴奋地翻阅这本新书，每个字每幅画都深深触碰到我的心。感觉到眼泪在眼角打转。为故事与现实的无奈而感叹。

故 事说的是一对恩爱的男女一起遇到车祸，男子不幸离开了人间，留下寂寞与绝望的女友。女子不再相信幸福，沉浸在自己的悲伤里，看不到世上的一切美好，就好 像眼睛被蒙上似的。但她时不时听到死去的男友在她耳边不断的鼓励她，她相信她的心上人变成了守护在她身边的天使，也应次慢慢恢复了，也慢慢开始再次欣赏周 围的美丽事物。但天使越在人类耳边说话，翅膀上的羽毛就会越掉越多。她的爱人因为对她深深的爱，不惜牺牲自己的性命，翅膀上的羽毛完全脱落，他也无法再留 在她身边。。。女子仍然认为男友还一直守护在她身旁。。。

嗨。这是个多么凄美的故事。我忍不住，差点想马上拥有这本画册，毕竟我已经很久没有被一本书感动过。太多无法用言语形容的感触，我本来以为用华文，或许比较容易表达，但到此依然不知从何说起。

或许失去会让你的双眼被悲痛所蒙蔽，但当你走出悲伤，还会认为已经不再存在的东西依然存在吗？

感想一直卡在脑海里，无法将它一一写下，就留到改次想到了再加一补充。

it's time to stop moping in darkness and sorrow.
i want to fill my life with little bubbles of happiness.