late night ramblings

another late night entry... time check now is 3:23am...

was at my pri school class outing... apparently they had another outing last year but i wasn't informed i suppose... don't really know what to say to them too... i wonder if it's cos i just don't like to interact in big groups... or it's just one of my excuses again...

feeling super duper tireds now, but i don't want to sleep now... wanted to study until the next morning... bet i'll become a panda by then... but my eye lids are getting pretty heavy...

i'm really sure this is probably one of my "think a lot" times again... usually this kind of periods last for like from a few days to maybe weeks... seems like the person whom i thought i am is very different from what others think i am... can't decide whether this is a good thing or a bad thing...

i realise i have a really short attention span. and i can't standing having too many pple trying to talk at the same time. it happened at my class outing just now... having too many ongoing conversations made me totally unable to focus on any single one of them... so i ended up staying silent most of the time, trying to listen and catch up on stuff i didn't know... i wonder if it's cos i kinda shut myself out for 2 years... almost there... and i wonder why i tend to listen to others more... is it because i don't wanna fight with them the chance to speak my mind, or issit because i'm afraid no one's interested to hear what i've been through. or maybe it's cos of my lack of communication skills... i lack the ability to say witty things to make people laugh? whatever it is... it means i probably have to brush up my skills with interacting with pple in huge groups. strangely that sounds so wrong... like i'm doing for the sake of doing. or like i'm someone extremely false...

once again bringing me back to the point of my "identity crisis"... who exactly am i? some pple commented that i seem super fake when they first meet me... when they don't really know me... i wonder if i appear so to my pri school classmates. whatever it is... how they view me might matter... but the most important thing is whether i'm staying true to who i am. they can think that i'm being false when i'm showing my true self, but i wouldn't really care. cos i understand... strangely... that i'm used to being misunderstood... hahahaha~

don't wanna sleep tonight. want to study. but my back's aching like crazy. tell me what to do now?