Of Smiles and Sunshine

i hate it whenever i quarrel with someone. i hate it when all the anger and resentment pent up within me shoots up and takes over my actions... stopping me from hearing what others have to say, unable to see who's in the wrong and who's right.

for a moment, i had the accusation going on in my head... for all the bad things i have in my life, it's cos of you. cos of the "prison" and limitations you put on me. i'm not going to be your little girl forever. i'm always "teased" by my friends to be mummy's girl. even when i'm no longer young anymore. i know i know... in parent's eyes, their child will always be their child. but i'm sick of that. having to return home by 12, setting good example for my younger siblings... responsibilities that they emphasize too much till the point i don't want to acknowldege them... so i always end up running from them. i hate being the eldest. i hate being scolded for the things that the eldest always have to fight for... like more freedom... just look at how smug my brother is.. he doesn't have to worry much about returning home late because i was the one who got scolded beforehand for returning home late. so if i was a guy and not the eldest i'd probably not be the target of all these constant nagging and things like that.

i'm not always going to be your little girl. i appreciate you trying to protect me and stuff, but if u're not around what am i going to do? if one day i have nowhere to return to, will i still be able to survive on my own in this world? sadly, for now i think the answer is a no. i hate that. i hate growing up but i hate being so dependent on others, which makes me feel so insecure, as i know deep down this pillar for me to lean on might disappear any time...

sometimes i just hate the way my family works... no visitors allowed in the house. cannot return home beyond 12. that's just so autocratic. but i must admit the support they give me is not that bad too. like having not to do house chores every single day... it does give me one less worry... and let me relax a little more when i reach home. the last thing i ever want is to feel even stressed when i'm home. stress is left for the world outside of my home. but unfortunately that can't be true. stress is everywhere. and in the mind. not something i can probably control, but i want to try to keep it that way.

we're not supposed to openly express our desires in asian societies. i hate that. i hate that idea imprinted into my family. not that i don't express my desire, but just look at me my sis and my brother.... we don't openly express our desires that we have deep down to our friends or even within our family. is it just the way this family was brought up or what i don't know.

i just know sometimes i'm so sick of this family despite all its good points that i want to run away from it...