even if i know it deep in my heart, sometimes i'll still have this urge to wish for something impossible. to wish that i'll revert to the old me. the kinder and more caring me. or maybe it's a sign that i've grown up. to be able to tell when and where i should let myself help others. to know when i should cross over my icy walls to care about those around me. i loved and hated my old self. loved my old self for being able to graciously and givingly helping those around me. hated myself for being so gullible and letting others make use of my so called kindness. the current me sort of knows when to remain in my boundary and not letting others enter my inner self... no longer so giving and gracious... i suppose i feel less hurt when people fail to try make use of my this "weakness", but when i want to care more about the people i used to care... somehow it feels a little more distant than in the past...
i think i've mentioned this sensation before... it feels as though u're peeking out to the world with you yourself trapped in this glass box... you can see the ongoings in the world, but the world can't touch you, and neither can you touch and feel what's going on in the world. it feels as though everything is distant to you. you are just a mere observer... with no power over the events in the world... just like part of the audience sitting in the cinema, watching the film unfold its plot in front of you. is this "calmness" supposed to be... a zen-like ideology? or some taoist idea that i had once longed to achieve? it's not like i want to make big major changes in the world to allow others to notice my presence. i'm... frustrated? upset?... with my cold and insensitive self... for being unable to notice the details and emotions of my friends which i once could...
after today's events.... i think i have a new criteria to add to my list of things to look out for a potential bf... he MUST know and have a certain level of understand for chinese. rawrs.
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