wow. another 12:30am entry late in the night. tireds to the core, but this happens every single day when i reach home... not a easy thing to cope with quizzes happening every single week... plus catching up on school work i've lagged since start of school hahaha~ loads of thoughts these few weeks... wonder if i have the time energy and if i even remember what i wanted to talk about...
been feeling a little... suicidal? these days... well... seems like i've caught the "accident-prone" disease from my good friend pansy... if i didn't remember wrongly, 2 weeks ago my left big toe nail got chipped off half of it... next few days i fell on my back while running along the wet corridor in my house, resulting in a sprained back... then just after the bruises on my back disappeared i got hit by a stupid bicycle *who shot past the red lights on the road, got horned by cars, hitting the pedestrain (yes that's me) that was just trying to cross the road when the green man just lit up...* and yeap. i hurt my back again -_-. so i was convinced that within the next few days i'll probably meet with a even bigger mishap. like getting hit on the head by a falling flower pot. or like what my friend said, getting choked while eating food. after i "cursed" myself in front of my friends, a few moments later i trapped and bruised my right index finger cos i was half awake and tried to keep the small table in the lecture theatre. wow.
wad's next? besides the falling flower pot or getting choked? getting electrocuted or something? or struck by lightning? i'll be waiting for you.... wadeva mishap that's on the way. i've even got my handy zam-bak which helps heal bruises faster in my bag... *which i used to get rid of the painful bruise on my right index finger haha* yar... so wadever it is... i'm not afraid. bah.
then there's the thing with my... rebellious and... maybe a little rude? tuition kid. yes i'm talking about you, mark... haha... see... sometimes i really think about the things you say to me... hmmms... like saying i'm fat *well i admit i'm not really thin like a skeleton... er you get my point* yeaps it's time i should go on a diet, thanks very much for reminding me that... then next... about me being a loner... hmms i didn't rebut you that time cos i thought... maybe there's some truth to that. but after some of the crazy things i've done with my ntu friends today... i guess not? well... a lot of things i didn't say to my ntu friends... and neither to mark as well... i don't like to rely on people too much. cos i think i'll grow too dependent on them... so i prefer to do things on my own if i can handle it myself. well... people will probably think i'm anti-social? maybe that's not my primary concern here regarding this issue... it's sorta my principle in life bah... second... i'm the... passive kind... i don't usually ask my friends to go on errands with me cos i don't want them to waste their precious time on simple stuff i need to go out to do... and going out alone doesn't mean u're a loner... ok so much for self defense haha...
i admit i'm not a very good friend. what kind of people qualify as being "a good friend"? maybe it's when you take the initiative to celebrate for your friend's birthday? not betraying their trust. yeah i think that's one of the important things i value in a true friendship. sadly not everyone can stay true to their relationship. there's so much deceit going on in this world that sometime i'm just too disgusted by it. or maybe i'm just thinking too much.
this brings to mind... ah. the stupid dip project thingy. that time when our group approached a certain professor to ask him to be our overall supervisor with our idea, he initially seemed interested and we thought our proposal would be approved. next he told us it was just too broad. after we're totally sick and tired of our proposals being rejected, under the list of projects accepted by mentoring professors, we saw his name there. meaning, he probably had another group approach him and he chose that group over ours? well... maybe i'm misunderstanding something here, don't think anyone out there could provide an explanation to this... but it just didn't feel good. makes me wonder how true are the responses from these professors... they can seem friendly to you during lectures *well they probably have to, if they value their job and want to look good as a lecturer?* but beyond that? are they still as friendly as they seem? how true are they to themselves? oh wait. i should be asking myself this question.
who exactly am i? i'm thoroughly confused with myself. my identity. am i just a stupid brainless idiot who likes to entertain and bring joy to those around me, or the selfish bastard who ignores others needs and immerse in my own problems or something? whatever it is. i hate to be hovering between the two. one moment i can be so warm to others, the next moment i want to be just left alone. if any guy can differentiate my mood and what i want to do, haha i'll be that guy's girlfriend. ok that was meant to be a joke. laugh please.
i'm just too skeptial for my own good. i don't know why... is this some kind of... depression? or maybe it's not so serious... just simply pessimism? when i go out and meet people... sometimes when i interact with them, i "hear" totally negative voices interpreting others actions in my head... like when someone's nice to me... i'll "think" that... oh that's just cause u'll need my help later, so u're being nice to me now... or like when someone asks me a question... i know i should try my best to answer to his/her query, but sometimes i get the "idea" that... hey u're not really serious about knowing the answer to this... so why bother explaining to you? is this skeptism or pessimism or is there really something wrong with me?
not that i'll expect any kind of answer here anyway. just thought i'll post it online as one of my never ending rants.
and just to add on to the rants: when will the quizzes ever end? rawr.
on a side note... just after i posted this entry... i'm back to edit it. seems like i've treaded on something i shouldn't have gone back to visit. don't understand why... maybe it's just cos it's late at night where no one can disturb the flashbacks i get from the past. a pang of hurt, pain and maybe... resignation to whatever that had happened. no way we can connect the broken relationship back again i suppose. we're never good friends in the first place anyway. not that i'll take the first move again, haha. damn it. i hate myself for being so stubborn and unable to wipe away scars from the past.
i thought the song below was nice... except for the lyrics sounding a little funny... well it's a j-pop song though it's sung in english. can't blame them if the engrish sounds furnies...
Winter Song
sung by : OLIVA inspi' REIRA ~Trapnest~
It keeps coming back to me
I remember this pain
It spreads across my eyes
Everything is dull
Everyone's smiling, they're smiling
It pushes me far, far away
I can't understand
Everything is blue
Can you hear me out there?
Will you hold me now...
Hold me now
My frozen heart
I'm gazing from the distance and...
I feel everything pass through me
I can't be alone right now
Will you hold me now
Hold me now
My frozen heart
I'm lost in a deep winter sleep
I can't seem to find my way out alone
Can you wake me
I know when I let it in
It hides love from this moment
So I guard it close
I watch the moves it makes
But it gets me, but it gets me
I wish I could understand how I
Could make it disappear...
Make it disappear
Anyone out there hear me now?
Will you hold me now
Hold me now
My frozen heart
Kiss my lips and maybe you can
Take me to your world for now
I can't be alone right now
Will you hold me now
Hold me now
My frozen heart
Please make it all go away
Am I ever gonna feel myself again?
I hope I will...
Will you hold me now...
Hold me now
My frozen heart
I'm gazing from the distance and...
I feel everything pass through me
I can't be alone right now
Will you hold me now
Hold me now
My frozen heart
I'm lost in a deep winter sleep
I can't seem to find my way out alone...
Can you wake me?
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