once again, a really happy (belated) birthday to yihui! a bit paiseh i couldn't stay till the cake cutting on ur party itself, but i wish that u'll be blessed in this upcoming year... and not be troubled by love matters so much! ^^ in the picture there's me, yihui and then jiayuan... haha long time never meet my fellow 4/11 friends, but somehow they don't seem to have changed! really glad to see them again at yihui's party even for that short while... caught up with jiayuan and qiu yun (yes my fellow qy! ^^) still as hilarious the two of them... now that i think about it i kinda miss the times fooling ard with them... =)
「私のことが好きです」と言われる事はほんとに難しいですよ。
it is really tough for one to be able to say "i like the things about myself".
for a while, i thought i was able to do it. i was able to like the things about me and feel good about it. until last night, when i had to talk about a particular experience. although i thought i had gotten past it, somehow when i started talking about it, 我突然有一股怒气冲了上来。and after that, it took me a really long while to cool down and be able to fall asleep. i don't like that aspect of myself. i don't like how i wasn't able to smile and joke about that past experience as though it was nothing *though on the surface i did since it was on msn... i told the other party in conversation that it's nothing. but i wasn't smiling when i typed out the messages.* deep down i knew. it's a funny feeling to be unable to come clean to myself that somehow, i still care a lot about this issue. and i thought and had told myself that i'm going to let go. have i really let go?
i feel like such a hypocrite. i purposely did some things for some motives which i consider dumb and blond now... shall not go into the details... and now i feel like such an idiot. why am i doing these things in the first place? i shouldn't be doing things that might cause others to misunderstand isn't it... like not being too close with certain people when i do and still have some sort of personal barrier i can't cross myself.
i want to be able to let go. haven't i been doing fine all these while? why let all these negativity come back to me when i'm just feeling sunshiny? is this all a joke?
will i be able to love myself and find inner peace?
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