Of Smiles and Sunshine

i've been doing some self reflection ever since i woke up from my nap this afternoon... erms accurately speaking i wasn't sleeping, i was just lying on my bed for 4 hrs... *omg i'm such a pig* strangely i couldn't go to sleep, probably because of the constant drilling outside?

i realise i've become strangely and really bad tempered these days... could it be because of my lack of sleep? i shout at people before my mind takes control over the situation... haiz~ i sux =(

back to the self reflection part... i haven't been focusing well on my studies these few days... lack of sleep could be one reason... i was procrastinating yesterday loads... i couldn't see where i was heading to... i just let my fears of today's paper and fear of memorising singapore history take over me and waste my energy worrying over it... even with a great motivator by my side, i couldn't focus immediately and took a really long while to be coaxed into studying... i hate that... makes me sound so mentally weak hahaha~ this is a bad thing which i need to do something about it imo...

so once again i did some internet research hahahahahaha~ was reading this site http://www.mypersonalbrilliance.com/focus/ that talks about the personal traits that brings about personal brilliance... and actually i think i do have these personal traits except the focus trait which i have no idea why i lost it last week... i used to be able to focus well haha~ so here are some tips they provide to help one focus better...
- clarify your purpose : always keep in mind your ultimate goal. what can you do to make it a more enjoyable process?
- learn to meditate : opposing to focus, where you concentrate, meditating is to relax your mind. however at the same time it can be a good practice for concentration and focus.
- use visualization techniques : visualization is the process of of creating mental images. rather than trying to tell yourself that u'll do well in the upcoming event, visualize yourself in the scenario performing well.

this site also mentions other personal traits that can bring about personal brilliance, namely awareness, curiosity, (focus) and initiative. ok before i go into this let me talk about my jog just now... i couldn't reach my "goal" of running 8 rounds non-stop because i couldn't focus well, and while i was running i kept thinking about alot of things... like what are the things that are good about me. i couldn't think of any at that point in time... and so i failed to motivate myself and i kept stopping halfway during my run... the moment i think of a "good point" my internal voice will shoot that good trait down... haha funny that my self talk failed lolx~ and now why did i talk abt my jog? because i kept shooting down myself because of my fears. i was afraid of others being unable to accept my bad points, that's why i'm so critical of myself and keep telling myself to be humble. but this has dire effects including my low confidence... which will be a nono to survive in this world...

so now back to the site i was refering to... initiative... i used to be someone with a lot of initiative in the past *ask my sec 3 n 4 class... they'll know why hahahahahahaha~* but now i learnt to keep my initiative down because of a lot of fears, including the fear of being made use of, fear of being unappreciated, fear of being dragged into unnecessary matters etc. and guess what this site says?

Getting Clear About Your Fears

When we're worried about a potentially negative outcome or situation, we spin our mental wheels going around and around in circles, kind of like a hamster on one of those cage toys that look like miniature Ferris wheels. Hamsters need those wheels to use up some of the energy that can't possibly be expended by walking around their cages. Humans, on the other hand, particularly in today's fast-paced world, need to conserve energy and use it wisely in ventures that yield real results.

Time and energy that's wasted by focusing on fears, worries, and potentially negative outcomes can be wisely spent by training yourself to return to the present moment over and over again, regardless of the situation or problem that you are facing. No one is a natural born worrier. Worrying and being fearful are behaviors that we learn. Therefore, these behaviors can be "un-learned." Just like any other habit, learning not to worry and not to dwell on fear is a process that needs to be practiced for it to become a new habit.

so yeaps... i should slowly learn to unlearn my fears... actually a lot of my personal problems these days arise due to my excessive fears. and thinking about the habit of not worrying and not to dwell on fear brings to my mind... peylun! ok she's my new target to learn from hehex~

since now i'm talking about fears, i did another internet search and came across this site... http://www.explorefaith.org/lifelines/fear.html

Unhealthy fear is fear that controls us and consumes us. These fears “blackmail” us, rob us of the joy and abundance of life that God has intended for us........................... Fear is a double-edged sword; it can save us, and it can destroy us. How can we preserve the place of healthy fear in our lives, and protect ourselves from the death-dealing effects of unhealthy fear?

i realise this is very very true in my case haha~ come to think of it... why let these fears take control of our lives? however this is easier said than done... with the fear so deeply rooted in the back of your minds... some suggestions from this site is... to recognise the fears, and stare it down... alternatively we can replace our fears with faith. ok in this case it may not necessarily to be always having faith in a religion... haha it sounds so beautiful if we can replace fears with faith... but can it be really done for me? what if one of the fears present is the fear of trusting and believing?

in another site http://www.chrisj.winisp.net/articles/fear.htm, when dealing with our personal fear we should go through the fear to the far side of it... instead of anticipating the things that we're afraid of... so a guide to allow this mentality to vanish is...
1. just notice your fears: don't try to analyze, criticize, judge, evaluate etc. just noticing it will give yourself emotional space.
2. separate from what is real and what is imagined: most of our fears are future what-ifs and past have-beens... don't let the imagined scenarios scare you.
3. ask dumb questions, like "so what?" *hehex i like this... i always ask dumb questions* these questions may sound lame, but they're positive and enlightening. most of the time our fears are based on a negative fantasy of pain, so by asking this kind of questions we can conclude with lesser negativity and be less afraid.













okie dokies... i'm really hungry now... so i shall go for my dinner now! ahh~ feels much more at peace with myself now =)