wow! it's finally the last day of the year 2007! and as usual, it's time for the yearly self reflection!

to evaluate how well my year was, i decided to look back at my new year resolutions for 2007 right at the start of the year!

1. lose some weight! *er notice the keyword here is some*

2. improve on my results! *being on the border of 4.5 is making me extremely nervous...*

3. get a job with good pay! i'm poor poor poor...

4. after getting a job, i must save! *yar i spend money like flowing water =(*

5. improve on time management! *my last year was... hectic. -_-*

6. to revert back to my old self =)

7. to seek inner peace *which i think i've acheived last year but i'll put it here again =)*

yups... i'm glad to say... i did lose some weight! i lost like.. 2kg in the last few months... which is threatening to come back to me every now and then... struggling to maintain or even continue to decrease it haha! but other than that... and seeking inner peace (i think i did manage to find my older self and more peaceful self...) i failed all the other resolutions!

well my results for this year isn't that great as i hoped to be... probably cos i was focusing on other stuff like earning money and giving tuition... i was pretty upset with myself for the past few days, because i'm positive i did put in a lot of hard work *or maybe till a few days before the exams haha~ well i have my reasons...* but yet the results wasn't as good as i hoped it to be... my gpa went downhill and i no longer have my 1st class honours... which is a... oh shit situation for me... i felt really disheartened and felt like just giving up my struggle to fight back for my 1st class... but then... haiz~ i'll see wad i can do in the upcoming 2 semesters =)

a lot of things happened this year... i was fined 3k which i paid using my own money... *ouch!* and as a result, i took up 3 tuition kids in the recent semester... which really killed me physically and mentally... i was usually too tired to go out during semester time, and could hardly catch up on my tutorials... but i'm glad to say... i managed to save up 2k in the second half of the year! that hits my goal of earning back my money after i lost it due to some lame incident which i shall not elaborate any further =) i feel really satisfied at this aspect, as well as knowing great people like mark and bobby... but at the expense of my results... so in year 4, i can only take 2 tuitions ok? this is a promise to myself...

other major things that happened to me was... i turned 21! yes! i can watch ra movies finally... *though i haven't watched any yet... opps!* and is it a magic spell or something for people who reached 21? cos things started going uphill for me... in terms of my mood... previously i was so down and depressed of the things that happened in the past... and once i turned 21 i told myself i'll let go... and i think i did... slowly and slowly... i overcame some of these shadows in my heart... so... yays! *applause for self* jiayous qing yu! u will shine even more than you did now and in the past!

and i finally had the courage to venture out of singapore to go to shanghai for my industrial attachment! i self-sourced my means of finance *ahems. scholarship* so i'm quite happy with that... now quite excited and... maybe afraid of my trip there in a few more days... btw i'm leaving on the midnight of 6 jan! eeks~~

some not-so-good thing that i wasn't very happy about myself this year was... in the second half of the year i didn't put in so much effort into studying for japanese... and in the end i went for my jlpt3 exam with totally no confidence that i'll even pass the exam. this is so unlike me... that's something for me to really reflect on... haiz~ but i will study japanese and brush up on it when i'm in shanghai! i even packed my textbooks into my luggage case... hehex =)

now looking at the bright side... happy things that happened to me... i finally had the chance to fulfill my dream of joining a band! even though i only went jamming with them once, and would love to have more opportunities to jam with them... sadly i have to go to shanghai! argh! oh well... some things just have to be given up if you choose to pursue something else bah... =( oh wait. make it a lot of things...

and... i'm really happy to know all the people and friends i've made this year... i feel like i've been under the care of all those around me... and really... thanks everyone who have helped me in one way or another...

overall, i think it has been a really fruitful year for me, physically, mentally, and spiritually... i've learnt to open up myself more... i was still a hermit crab at the start of the year... but in the previous semester i slowly opened up... i really want to thank my friends who helped me realise the great things i'm missing out in life by living in seclusion... ok that makes me sound like some old hag living in a cave up on the mountain... haha! but yeaps... i've gotten closer to my friends who went away in the first half of the year and came back in the second half... physically... i started to jog *only during the exam period* and i think i'm... improving slightly in terms of my physically endurance... hahahaha~~ *ok i know that's a partial lie... i better get back to jogging real soon!* mentally, with all the shit that happens... i learn to look at things in different perspectives... and i really need to keep my cool no matter what happens... cos if i panic... i'll make the wrong decisions and act inappropriately...

alrighty... thankew 2007! onward to 2008! =)

once again... thanks to all my friends and pals who made my 2007 shine... =) and of course the years before as well =)













ps. this is my 490th post on my blog! congrats! ^_^ we've come a really really long way! haha~

all of a sudden, the feeling is back.

will i be forgotten after leaving my friends alone for 6mths away in shanghai?

actually this is some undue worry isn't it? the me from a year ago wouldn't be afraid of this most probably. i was probably confident that i would be remembered. even if i wasn't, i probably wouldn't care. why is this feeling coming and popping by every now and then?

i suppose... we're just afraid to be forgotten by our treasured and loved ones...

i pray... that when i get back... you guys will still treat me as the way u guys treat me now...

and... pls don't forget me.

来不及
歌手：Hebe

今天早上起床脑袋异常痛脸也涨红 是不是昨天晚上做了什么害羞的梦
或许是分红色荷尔蒙在血液中流动 你呼吸 我悸动

警告标语提醒着我们身在不同天空 预设好的伤痛是否能说不碰就不碰
我想犹豫不决比飞蛾扑火还更堕落 冲不冲 痛不痛 理智为爱失踪

来不及 每个脚步已踩着恋爱的节奏
来不及 地球转动不会为谁等候
来不及 回头 检查旧的伤口
如果找借口 想太多 没结果 哭也没用

今天早上起床你是否觉得全身酸痛 是不是我爱上你让你觉得全身紧绷
或许是你太调皮到我梦中随便传动 你挑逗 我失控

警告标语果然不出所料提醒不了我 预设好的伤痛牙一咬有梦就不会痛
我想犹豫不决永远不会是我的作风 疯不疯 痛不痛 就算我犯了错

来不及 脑海早就烙印了你完美轮廓
来不及 赶快捕捉为你放的烟火
来不及 已把狂爱你的冲动变成了享受
我想要解脱 要自由 要冲动

来不及 每个脚步已踩着恋爱的节奏
来不及 地球转动不会为谁等候
来不及 回头 检查旧的伤口
如果找借口 想太多 没结果 哭也没用















Hebe 好棒啊！her lyrics are zai~ and her vocals are still as zai as before~ love S.H.E~ XD

斗牛，要不要 is surprisingly addictive... i spent 1 day to catch up on all 6 episodes available... and i want moar~~~ and the OST is now sitting happily on my table... waiting for me to listen to the cd until the cd dies from overuse... ok that's a bad expression there lol~













时间剩不多，我希望我还来得及。
成绩不太理想，不知道是否还来得及。
即将离开这里那么久，我祈求我来得及。

我想，我从头到尾都不明白自己想要的东西是什么。

是不是我有太多空余的时间，所以才会有时间和心思去胡思乱想呢？明明好好的，越想就觉得我做得不对，必须作适当的解释。有一点对不起对方，因为当时无法给与他一个答复。他是因此在避开我吗？还是我想太多了？应该是我想太多了吧。。。

要是我能将心中的阴影消除，当时我是否就能给他一个正面的答案呢？我自己也不晓得。太多考虑因素在内了，而我们彼此从不正面谈论这些事。起初我想他因该会明白，但我们始终性格与想法不一。我想这一点我们必须沟通沟通吧。但是说不定，已经没有那种美国时间让我们再拖多久了吧。。。

嗨，还是凡事都顺其自然吧。

很久没有再次面对自己的恐惧。我承认。我害怕打针。

听到朋友说打两针非常痛，我差点哭了出来。因为我要打他的两倍！该死的家伙。。。不过后来打针时我努力忍住泪水。所以还好，这样就不会被人笑了。

回到家不禁想起当时打针的情况，我还是会差点就哭出来，但是至少我没哭。我不要让世界再次看到我哭泣。所以打针痛痛我不哭。哇，这样表达的方式。。。听起来很小孩子气吧。。。













上个星期，我参加了南中华乐团的校友会聚餐。好久不见的校舍，是那么熟悉却又是那么陌生。和几位学妹聊了蛮久的，感觉就像我们还在南中时一样，感到非常亲切。我不会想到要去刻意隐满自己，能够放松地与他们交谈。。。这种感觉真好。

与我妹妹一起在广场上欣赏星空，因为那天正好有流星雨。。。可是看了半天，没见到一颗流星。就这样我们在母校里晃啊晃的。。。荡着秋千。。。遥望着同一片星空。。。再过不久我就会飞到上海。。。不知道几时能再像现在一样悠哉游哉的做这种“无聊”的事了。













打字都打到手酸了。下回再聊吧。

somehow... talking with this guy made my walls go up. i don't understand why actually... is it just because i can't fully trust him? i've got no idea...

feeling less depressed now as compared in the morning... though i'm feeling really drained and tired. i seem to see some results of my hard work put in the entire day, so i'm kind of happy now =)

i don't know what i really want. do i want a fulfilling life where i'm so busy i probably don't have the time to stop at all? it feels great when u're always working towards something... but u can't say i want to stop and take a rest here. the situation doesn't allow.

some people might choose to think the opportunity for you to stop and rest can be created. i suppose so, but in my case... i don't want to rest at the expense of the quality of the work i'm doing... so i suppose if i don't get sufficient rest then it's just my fault lmao~~

i don't know if i want things to remain as it is, or for things to cool down. i guess i miss the old times? not as if it's very old either. but i shouldn't do anything isn't it. not when i'm not sure of myself either. i don't know what is it that i truly and really want.

and there's the question of commitment. can i always stay committed to the things i say i would? sometimes i don't know. like for eg. will i be able to participate actively in the band that i just joined? i want to... but i'm going china for the upcoming 6 mths, when i come back i'll be busy with fyp too! so am i stupid to join this heavy external commitment now?

and next... ok lah it's really unrelated. maybe it's all the childish promises we make when we're young and naive. like for eg. a young couple might promise each other to love the other forever. but we know... couples break up easily. so when a couple breaks up... they break their promise of forever love as well... doesn't anyone feel anything for this at all? i'd feel something... it's like betraying that promise you made to yourself and your ex-partner? or am i just thinking too much?

okie dokies... really too tired to think of anything else... shall hit the pillows now =)

woke up feeling depressed and probably a little suicidal. perhaps it's the weather. or the effect of constantly repeating the song lithium... or it's just me focusing on only problems and not the solutions.

i had a dream again yesterday night. can't remember the details. but it seems like someone i cared got together with another person which would have made me "kill" myself in the past. not literal, but maybe kill my soul bah. i wouldn't commit suicide this i promise myself and my family and those who cares =)

it's funny the power of music has on a soul. listening to depressing songs make me go into depression too... while those light hearted ones make me feel really relaxed and happy... but if i tell this to others they might probably just think i'm crazy... i mean, how can one let music control your emotions to such an extent?

yups so i must somehow learn to snap out of the trance of emotions when a song ends. it's ok to feel depressed while listening, but once the music stops, you should go back to your original state... lolx!

and then there's the question about how much one should talk about your problems. everybody has their own fair share of problems... it's really sweet if there's someone out there whom u can share all your problems with... but... is it necessary? to share ALL problems? i suppose not? because people can get quite sick of you if you just keep harping on your problems... and sometimes... i wonder if a problem for yourself can extend to becoming a problem for others, or even make the other party feel upset or hurt or something...

or maybe this is purely a problem of trust?

i like... but i don't know whether i love.

Lithium by Evanescence

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go.

Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone.
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show.
Never wanted it to be so cold.
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me.

I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.

Don't want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.
Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can't break free until I let it go.
Let me go.

Darling, I forgive you after all.
Anything is better than to be alone.
And in the end I guess I had to fall.
Always find my place among the ashes.

I can't hold on to me,
Wonder what's wrong with me.

Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...
Lithium, ...stay in love with my sorrow.
I'm gonna let it go.













this is the new song i'll be learning for my jam session this wed! omg i hope i can make it... i've gotta settle both the keyboard and vocal parts... which is like damn hard... haiz~ will go and search for the keyboard scores if they're available online... =S as much as i like to listen and come up with my own score... but I'VE GOT NO TIME!!! rawrs.

some background about this song... Lithium in this song is NOT the CHEMICAL ELEMENT. it's actually a mood stabilizing drug that is used to cure depression and particularly mania, according to dear wiki...

here's wad Amy Lee, the female vocal for Evanescence, says about this song... *taken from wikipedia*

It's sort of a metaphor about numbness and happiness and sort of like, it's me looking at happiness in a negative way because I've always been, you know, kind of afraid to be happy. Like with the band and the art and everything else, it's always like I'm never letting myself break through into the happiness it seems like, because it's not cool or something. And describing happiness is lithium, it's like saying 'that's numbness, I won't be able to be an artist anymore if I'm happy', which is hilarious because that's just not true, I'm happy. So it's like this fight within the song of like 'do I do this and get out of here and get happy or do I wallow in it like I always do?' and it's cool because at the end of the song I say 'I'm going to let it go', like I am going to be happy.

maybe this song really speaks how i feel... i was kind of like on "lithium" for the past 3 years? i didn't dare to hold happiness in my hands. i felt numb towards most events that should have evoked some sort of emotions in me. even things that made me cry nonstop. things didn't hurt that much until i started facing them again. it's like i'm letting my reliance on my lithium go... and it still hurts now.

will i be able to let it go? and dare to fight for my own happiness?

有好多事情，明明就在嘴边，却怎么也说不出口。

回忆的影子不断徘徊。到底要何时才能解开这个心结呢？

如果我将我的未来腾出一点空间让你占据，你是否会像上次一样无影无踪的消失？













maybe i shouldn't have slacked so much today. i missed a rather important message for me today... a message calling for help in my opinion... and i went happy go lucky and even went out. omg what am i doing.

i'm sorry for not being around when you needed me...

i want to thank my really really good friends : pansy, yuchun and randy... thanks for being so concerned about me and giving me the courage to go on... and for giving me the courage to dry my tears. i'm really blessed to have u guys on my side =)

i understand the reason why i was feeling so upset about the past... i didn't want things to end like that. but no matter what i did then, things couldn't be reversed nor changed. and things wouldn't change now anyway. so... stop crying over that jerk, qing yu. time to move on ya? show the others that u wouldn't be beaten by just that!

alrighty! watch out world. i'm coming back in full swing. woohoo~

最讨厌你的人，是你自己。
你要原谅。。。不被其他人所喜爱的自己。

~绅士同盟† 8~

这个听似容易，说似容易，但。。。真的做得到吗？













“我对朋友都比对你好。”

这几天，我时不时想回当初你说的这句话。每次想到时，心里不禁疼痛。我到底是做了什么，竟然连朋友都不如。我做错了什么了吗？至今都没有个答案。只知道。。。眼泪不断地往下流。我想我真的被讨厌了吧。明明都是这么久了的事，为什么到现在都记得那么牢呢？我的金鱼记忆似乎有了漏洞。

这就是我的罪吧。我待朋友也不怎么么好。就算是报应吧。自己活该。













等一下又会再见到你。我能像往常一样的对待你吗？我的勇气跑到哪里呢？

feeling a little blue today... so i'll post a random lyrics today =)

C'est La Vie
歌手：梁静茹　|　作词：黄婷　|　作曲：易桀齐/伍冠谚

Ne laisse pas le temps, te décevoir...
(Do not let time disappoint you)
Il ne peut être conquis...
(It cannot be conquered)
Dans la tristesse, dans la douleur...
(In grief, in pain)
Aujourd'hui, demain...
(Today, tomorrow)
Au fil du temps... Le temps... C'est La Vie...
(As time goes by... Time... It's life)

也许我会再遇见你　像恋人般重逢美丽
看你满脸胡渣的笑意　爽朗一如往昔
C'est La Vie C'est La Vie C'est La Vie

走一个城市的陌生　走到了
曙光无知无觉的黎明
一路微笑的满天繁星　消失在日出里
C'est La Vie C'est La Vie C'est La Vie

oh　塞纳河~~~的水　是心的眼泪
流过了你笑的　每个样子(一去不回)
我会在你的记忆　看到我自己
看到了结局　爱在错过后更珍惜

都将走向新的旅途　Au revoir
说好不为彼此停留
看车窗外的你沉默不语　我不再哭泣
C'est La Vie C'est La Vie C'est La Vie

oh　塞纳河~~~的水　是心的眼泪
流过了漂泊的　人生风景
愿我们各自都有　美好的一生
美好的憧憬　爱在遗憾里更清晰

************************************************
法文口白翻译

别因为时间而感到沮丧
它是永远无法被征服的
不管是在悲伤里
在痛苦中
今天
明天
年复一年
时间它头也不会的往前走
这就是人生













been out the past 2 days with pansy... talked a lot about things bothering me... really happy to go out with her as always... spent LOADS of money this week so if i can i'll avoid spending for the rest of the week. NO MORE SHOPPING FOR ME! sobz~ who ask me buy a pair of boots yesterday... the pain... ouch. i spent 100bucks just in a day alone yesterday, plus the 40 bucks the day b4.... sighz. so much for being jobless. time to sell butt get myself a proper well paying job... anyone has any ideas?














i wonder what is love... the wonderful feeling when u feel when u "fall in love"? the moody feeling when u miss the person u like? is this love? i know i should be positive about things, but it's just that i often see 2 sides of the things. i see the beautiful aspects of love, and i'll see the bad ones. i think of all the lover quarrels... the unhappiness when a couple breaks up... i have repeated myself in my previous entries didn't i? oh well...

i suppose this is life? maybe we really don't realise how much we like or should treasure something only until we lose it.

sometimes i think back to my previous relationship. i have never come to peace with myself regarding the outcome of everything. a lot of people tell it's not my problem, it's the other party's that's at fault... but i still think i was in the wrong. i think that if my personality was better, if i had not been so possessive, if i haven't been so easily jealous, if i haven't let my tears fall so easily etc etc. maybe things would have been so much different. when we broke up he said he had loved me, but up till now i still can't believe what he said. but oh well it doesn't matter anymore. for someone who never really cared abt how i truly felt? i guess it really wasn't worth it.

someone had sent me a really sweet sms abt this entire issue that had been bothering me for years... here's a short excerpt... 老鼠对猫说我爱你，猫说你走开，老鼠流泪走开，谁也没看到老鼠走后猫也流了一滴泪。this sms made me cry for a long while... i don't know whether i can believe in this. i want to, but thinking about the past events made me really hesitant.

i couldn't feel his love last time, so eventually i couldn't like myself either. it sounds stupid come to think of it. isn't love suppose to make u happy and love yourself even more? it was the exact opposite for me. initially it felt good when i started falling in love... but when i got together with him things were going downhill all the while. initially we were lovey dovey and did some really sweet things to each other... then later when he went into army... i started feeling edgy because we went into "long distance" only 1 month into our relationship... i wanted to see him the moment he's out and i thought he felt the same way... only initially. after the first 3 weeks or so he got really tired of me i guess. he just wanted time on his own and maybe i didn't give him that. was i wrong to want to see him that badly? and then there's the issue of me being jealous. i couldn't control myself well and i think i said a lot of things out of spite cos he's close to my so called love rival. he's not at fault either, just that i felt super insecure... it's not my love rival's fault either. so i suppose i'm at fault for letting my emotions flare up so easily...

i hate myself for being so moody and upset whenever i think about all these... i wish someone was around to paste the smile on my face which he always manage to do so every time i talk to him...













sometimes i wonder... when i go shanghai for half a year... will people forget me by the time i get back? if it's me a year ago i probably wouldn't care. strangely now... i'm afraid. afraid of being forgotten. it's a weird feeling lmao~ or maybe i'm just a weirdo hahaha~













ahhhhhh wad's with me feeling so moody today! must be the weather... rawrs. maybe going back to sleep is a good way to get rid of the blueness lolx~

hais... i'm just a really gullible person i suppose... >_<



sometimes i wonder... to avoid getting tricked by others... is it better to be colder to others? or even avoid other people totally? that sounds so anti social...



i hate it when others approach u with an ulterior motive...



i wonder who are those who are really sincere... my best friends aside... but others whom i meet for the first time? sighz~~~



i hate others for being easily tricked by others. and i hate how gullible i am too... guess i have no right to criticize others abt this... haha~

this is part of a chain mail, but i thought i'll be nice not to coerce others into sending this mail, so i'll put this amazing story up here...




在日本发生了一件千真万确的事：

有人为了装修家里，拆开了墙；日式住宅的墙壁通常是中间架了木板后，两边批上泥土，其实里面是空的。他拆墙壁的时候，发现一只壁虎被困在那里一根从外面钉进来的钉子钉住了那只壁虎的尾巴。那人见状，既觉可怜又感好奇，他仔细看看那根钉子，天啊！那根钉子是十年前盖那房子的时候钉的。

到底怎么回事？那只壁虎竟然困在墙壁里活了整整十年！黑暗中的墙壁里的十年，真不简单。

不对呀？他继而寻思，尾巴被钉住了，一个步子也跨不出的这只壁虎，到底靠什么撑过了这十年？他于是暂时停止了装修工程它到底吃什么？他要一探究竟。

过了不久，不知从哪里又钻出来一只壁虎，嘴里含着食物 ...啊！

他一时愣住了，这是什么样的情啊？为了被钉住尾巴而不能走动的壁虎，另一只壁虎竟然在十年的岁月里一直不停地衔取食物喂它。

在人类的社会中随着计算机的普及，人与人获取相关的信息更快速，但是人与人之间的距离是否也越来越接近呢？



永远不要放弃你所爱的人！

i don't know why... all of a sudden i feel quite depressed...

first is with my upcoming japanese exam this sunday... it seems no matter how much i study i can never finish studying even half the exam material... but me procrastinating here isn't going to make things better anyway... sighz~

next... why did i choose to take this exam when everyone else is enjoying themselves after their exams? feel a little left out... i heard about my ntu clique's outing today... and that peylun got injured pretty seriously... i wished i was there physically to help out and things like that... though i did spend today pretty efficiently to study japanese... just that... there's always this what ifs hanging around... wish i didn't have to sacrifice my friends for academic stuff...

and then i feel left out again... cos there's so many things i wanna do and stuff... wanna go out with pansy to do her hair but she's such a dear, don't wanna jeopardize my jap exam on sun so she's only asking me out on mon or tues... and i wanted to go to pc fair to buy alot of stuff... but turns out i'll be going alone cos everyone else has already gone there...

and there's the problem of me getting to my exam venue on sun... it's at changi.. so freaking far away.. i'll take like 2h+ just to get to my destination! and initially i thought my father could send me there... only that he's going to china again on business trip on sunday itself... and next he's going to miss my sister's birthday too! i know he didn't want this to happen probably... but it's starting to get to me... cos he's always not around on the big occasions... hais. am i just being plain moody or wad?

and then... about my gip IA in shanghai... i haven't received the email from them yet after so long. it's starting to really make me panic... and i heard things which aren't really pleasant regarding this whole gip email thingy...

all of a sudden everything just seem to crash down on me... can i just go to bed early or just cry it all out in one corner of my world?

ahh~ the pile of mess just keeps getting higher and higher~ and it keeps expanding!

今日も一生懸命勉強しましょう！

i've been doing some self reflection ever since i woke up from my nap this afternoon... erms accurately speaking i wasn't sleeping, i was just lying on my bed for 4 hrs... *omg i'm such a pig* strangely i couldn't go to sleep, probably because of the constant drilling outside?

i realise i've become strangely and really bad tempered these days... could it be because of my lack of sleep? i shout at people before my mind takes control over the situation... haiz~ i sux =(

back to the self reflection part... i haven't been focusing well on my studies these few days... lack of sleep could be one reason... i was procrastinating yesterday loads... i couldn't see where i was heading to... i just let my fears of today's paper and fear of memorising singapore history take over me and waste my energy worrying over it... even with a great motivator by my side, i couldn't focus immediately and took a really long while to be coaxed into studying... i hate that... makes me sound so mentally weak hahaha~ this is a bad thing which i need to do something about it imo...

so once again i did some internet research hahahahahaha~ was reading this site http://www.mypersonalbrilliance.com/focus/ that talks about the personal traits that brings about personal brilliance... and actually i think i do have these personal traits except the focus trait which i have no idea why i lost it last week... i used to be able to focus well haha~ so here are some tips they provide to help one focus better...
- clarify your purpose : always keep in mind your ultimate goal. what can you do to make it a more enjoyable process?
- learn to meditate : opposing to focus, where you concentrate, meditating is to relax your mind. however at the same time it can be a good practice for concentration and focus.
- use visualization techniques : visualization is the process of of creating mental images. rather than trying to tell yourself that u'll do well in the upcoming event, visualize yourself in the scenario performing well.

this site also mentions other personal traits that can bring about personal brilliance, namely awareness, curiosity, (focus) and initiative. ok before i go into this let me talk about my jog just now... i couldn't reach my "goal" of running 8 rounds non-stop because i couldn't focus well, and while i was running i kept thinking about alot of things... like what are the things that are good about me. i couldn't think of any at that point in time... and so i failed to motivate myself and i kept stopping halfway during my run... the moment i think of a "good point" my internal voice will shoot that good trait down... haha funny that my self talk failed lolx~ and now why did i talk abt my jog? because i kept shooting down myself because of my fears. i was afraid of others being unable to accept my bad points, that's why i'm so critical of myself and keep telling myself to be humble. but this has dire effects including my low confidence... which will be a nono to survive in this world...

so now back to the site i was refering to... initiative... i used to be someone with a lot of initiative in the past *ask my sec 3 n 4 class... they'll know why hahahahahahaha~* but now i learnt to keep my initiative down because of a lot of fears, including the fear of being made use of, fear of being unappreciated, fear of being dragged into unnecessary matters etc. and guess what this site says?

Getting Clear About Your Fears

When we're worried about a potentially negative outcome or situation, we spin our mental wheels going around and around in circles, kind of like a hamster on one of those cage toys that look like miniature Ferris wheels. Hamsters need those wheels to use up some of the energy that can't possibly be expended by walking around their cages. Humans, on the other hand, particularly in today's fast-paced world, need to conserve energy and use it wisely in ventures that yield real results.

Time and energy that's wasted by focusing on fears, worries, and potentially negative outcomes can be wisely spent by training yourself to return to the present moment over and over again, regardless of the situation or problem that you are facing. No one is a natural born worrier. Worrying and being fearful are behaviors that we learn. Therefore, these behaviors can be "un-learned." Just like any other habit, learning not to worry and not to dwell on fear is a process that needs to be practiced for it to become a new habit.

so yeaps... i should slowly learn to unlearn my fears... actually a lot of my personal problems these days arise due to my excessive fears. and thinking about the habit of not worrying and not to dwell on fear brings to my mind... peylun! ok she's my new target to learn from hehex~

since now i'm talking about fears, i did another internet search and came across this site... http://www.explorefaith.org/lifelines/fear.html

Unhealthy fear is fear that controls us and consumes us. These fears “blackmail” us, rob us of the joy and abundance of life that God has intended for us........................... Fear is a double-edged sword; it can save us, and it can destroy us. How can we preserve the place of healthy fear in our lives, and protect ourselves from the death-dealing effects of unhealthy fear?

i realise this is very very true in my case haha~ come to think of it... why let these fears take control of our lives? however this is easier said than done... with the fear so deeply rooted in the back of your minds... some suggestions from this site is... to recognise the fears, and stare it down... alternatively we can replace our fears with faith. ok in this case it may not necessarily to be always having faith in a religion... haha it sounds so beautiful if we can replace fears with faith... but can it be really done for me? what if one of the fears present is the fear of trusting and believing?

in another site http://www.chrisj.winisp.net/articles/fear.htm, when dealing with our personal fear we should go through the fear to the far side of it... instead of anticipating the things that we're afraid of... so a guide to allow this mentality to vanish is...
1. just notice your fears: don't try to analyze, criticize, judge, evaluate etc. just noticing it will give yourself emotional space.
2. separate from what is real and what is imagined: most of our fears are future what-ifs and past have-beens... don't let the imagined scenarios scare you.
3. ask dumb questions, like "so what?" *hehex i like this... i always ask dumb questions* these questions may sound lame, but they're positive and enlightening. most of the time our fears are based on a negative fantasy of pain, so by asking this kind of questions we can conclude with lesser negativity and be less afraid.













okie dokies... i'm really hungry now... so i shall go for my dinner now! ahh~ feels much more at peace with myself now =)

you know that u're either an escapee from woodbridge or u're just lacking in sleep when u start dancing the YMCA dance in front of the mirror for no rhyme or reason...













i don't know why, i just have this burning desire to shout this...

やったあああああああ！！！ \（^ｖ^）/

haha did i sound like hiro? XD

yay heroes is coming on channel 5!!! though i already watched it and i most likely wouldn't be watching it on channel 5 anyway (the late time when my dad will hog the tv haha~) but the thought of the possibility of seeing hiro on tv again makes me happy. ^^













haha now i'm very happy... cos... hmmms well i guess i must trace back to quite a lot of things. today's my last ntu paper... my dreaded engineers and society... it's kind of like social studies cum history... a subject i haven't touched for like 6 years... i used to like history alot... but that was cos i liked my history teacher loads i think... mrs janet ng.... u're still my idol and one of my favourite teachers =) but yesterday and the day before i kept procrastinating... cos i felt really siandeds when i have to memorise all the stupid singapore history stuff again... *opps ISA pple don't arrest me for the above statement hahahaha~* oh well i just hate memorising... that isn't a crime i hope?

and something that made me quite happy was someone kept motivating me... though i think i'm a really stubborn bull that refused to move last night... but finally i started moving... though it's slow but at least i took a step k? lolx~ abit paiseh to him cos he fell asleep on his desk while motivating me hahaha~

then this morning... actually last night i wanted to mug through the night and not sleep at all, in the end i went to bed at 3am... kinda given up on memorising all the stuff... i think i was procrastinating cos i didn't want to memorise history stuff and kinda shut my mind to all the information i was reading on my notes... but after i woke up at 6.30am i knew wad went wrong... i didn't have any interest in my notes at all yesterday. so today i took another view point to start re-reading the notes... and things did go in... only that it seemed alittle too late? lolx~ only re-read 2 sets of notes which luckily... 1 came out in depth haha... plus the tips i got from this really good friend of mine yesterday... i kinda prepared well for 3 of the questions that came out in the paper... the last qn i had glanced through the notes, didn't really remember the stuff but at least things didn't turn out that bad even when i procrastinated so much for the first time in my entire life... so yeaps... quite happy now that i can throw away all my EnS notes hahahahahahaha~

and now the weather is purrrrfffeeeccct for napping... the nice pitter patter of raindrops... ah~ my bed... here i come....

i had a dream. ok before i go into that i must stress it's just a dream, so those people that i dream of, please don't be offended if you guys actually think u're the people i saw in my dream...

i dreamt of something from the past which shouldn't have come to my mind for so long, and i don't know what all these means. last time i was very bothered when my rival knows more about someone more than i do... and seemed closer to him than i do... but in my dream last night, when she seemingly purposely revealed information about how much more she knows about him and how intimate they are as though she's trying to spite me... i was actually pissed. i know it's a dream, so i was upset with myself when i woke up... why did i fall into that trap again? and whatever that happens to them is not exactly my business anymore isn't it...

which actually brings me to something i wanted to talk about last night actually... what is love. i don't know anymore... is it just thinking of that person every time you wake up? wanting to see that person's smile? wanting to know more about that person? or is it all the ugliness when one gets jealous over a person he/she is overly possessive of? the quarrels over a couple's differences? or when you have to let go of the person you love because you "love" him/her? i don't know anything anymore...

how is it that we can fall in love when we don't really understand what is love? sometimes i want to laugh at... the stupidity of this...













actually i feel kind of guilty yesterday... i didn't really believe in someone... and kind of expect that person to forget... but he didn't... i was happy that he didn't forget, but i don't know how much i can trust the things that he claims and does... i wish i can be a little more trusting...

and i felt a little guilty towards making peylun and bolin wait for me a really long time cos i was printing my 1 semester's worth of notes! but really thanks for waiting...













alrighty! one more ntu paper next monday, before i'm left with my final paper of the year -- jlpt!!! must jiayou and mug hard for them!!! holidays are coming soon!!! ^^

is it ok for me to feel so happy and blessed?

i don't know why... i feel kind of insecure sometimes when people are nice to me... because i don't know whether it's an illusion or not... whether they'll forget about being nice to me the next moment... but i suppose all these fears are just me thinking too much on my part? i don't know...

i'm scared i'll get the wrong impression sometimes haha!

paper today turned out ok except for yet another stunt from the examiners... they tested on a question everybody thought would not appear in the paper, so no one studied. and it's not something that can be derived... it's pure memory stuff imo... siandeds. but that's 8 marks... i pray i can get at least half of it haha~

considering i didn't get to sleep properly last night *or more accurately, i didn't sleep at all, i just lie down on my bed...* i'm kind of pleased that i didn't fall asleep during the paper! but once after the paper i became a zombie... was printing my 1 semester's worth of notes for my paper on mon... went for lunch with the ntu clique... lunch was quite fun but would have been more enjoyable if i have had enough sleep earlier on... they were talking about their obs and kayaking experiences... but strangely, i couldn't think nor recall these experiences... maybe it's cos i was too tired, maybe it's cos i didn't remember at all. i don't know... but if i can, i wish i can go obs again, though i am the kind of person who doesn't have the strength and stamina to persevere the tough obstacles and things that they do, but after those activities i always feel i emerge stronger in the mind and character...

and once i reached home, i had a long 3 hr nap...

and i feel like continuing to catch up on sleep right now... yawns.

haha then i shall leave my thoughts till the next time... =)