most people would like to think they're like durians; they may not look or smell nice on the outside, but good on the inside.

if it's me; i'm a rotten apple, looks good on the outside, but smells bad on the inside.













明明跟我一点关系都没有了，但偏偏还想知道对方过得如何。或许这就是我曾说过的：人的本性就是爱kaypo。他的死活快乐根本跟你一点关系都没有，干吗还要自作多情?不关我的事，不关我的事。。。














and it's about time for a new layout! thinking of changing the background... but the general script shall remain the same or i'll change it to the one similar to my anime blog... oh yah the anime blog needs a revamp as well... haiz i'm thinking of changing that one to a blog that'll only be updated during my summer holidays... shall name it ～青空の下～ anime blog v.2 夏の記憶... which means literally ~below the blue sky~ anime blog v.2 memories of summer... rawrs.

during the holidays, if possible, i'll like to brush up on my japanese... plus to learn a little about colouring using the computer... unfortunately, as most can probably tell, my watercolouring skills simply sux. *looks at the girl drawing on the left* and even more unfortunately, my sister who's taking architeture now doesn't know how to colour using photoshop or some other software as well! argh. where in the world am i going to pick up these skills? =X

besides that... it's time to start thinking again what is really my aim in life. why am i even in ntu. everything just feels... incorrect. from the stupid choice i made around 3 years ago onwards, it seems nothing has been going totally correct. is this just adolescence or just me. time to pick up on my pace in life and start working hard man... the world and the rest of the people around you aren't going to wait for you...

sighz. so many things to say, no one i can really talk to about this things. out of fear of no one understanding me as well... haha well in short, i'm just one idiot. baka.

明明在考试当中，但总是心不在焉。

我最讨厌的就是为了讨好别人而故意作出与自己性格完全不相同的人。譬如，为了让自己喜欢的人对自己有好感，就故意作出一些事情来让他注意。就像是故意打听他喜欢什么样的东西，然后自己去研究，这样就能跟他有共同的话题。这本身看起来没有什么不对，但是如果自己平时都没有对这种事情有兴趣，这样一来不会觉得很奇怪吗？这种没有个性的人。。。最讨厌了。我认为，如果是真正的喜欢，决不须靠这种小“手段”来让真爱到手。如果对方爱上的不是真正的自己，那么在一起的时候，你就不能很自在，因为你不能让这不是真正的自己穿帮，不是吗？

经过了这么多的事情之后，我已感到非常的疲倦了，甚至一直问自己：我到底是为了什么而努力呢？放眼看别人，有些人看起来根本就没有什么努力，可是在事业上却也不是那么的成功？总觉得。。。为什么要那么拼命呢？一问自己这个题目，我就发现我根本没有一个好的答案来回答自己。是为了自己吗？还是为了别人？如果是别人，那个别人是谁？我的父母？爱人？根本就没有所谓的别人。说是为自己努力，动机又在何处？为什么要为自己努力呢？为了以后美好的生活？

无法回答这个问题的我根本就无心向上，努力地为考试奋斗。天天在家看起来无所事事，好像已经准备好一切了，实际上并非如此。心里有一股愤怒，却又没有心情来努力。这样的自己让我非常苦恼，却又想不出有什么办法让自己振作起来。。。

再过多几天，考试就结束了。心仪的假期终于即将来临。。。才怪！过了考试还有多五个星期的project要赶，一想到这一点，就算心里有任何动力都会即刻消失。啊啊啊，不想在想下去了。烦烦烦！

希望在明天的考试来领之前我能读完他啊。。。嗨。。。

中国话
歌手：s.h.e 曲:郑楠 词:郑楠 施人诚

扁担宽板凳长
扁担想绑在板凳上
扁担宽板凳长
扁担想绑在板凳上

伦敦玛莉莲买了件旗袍送妈妈
莫斯科的夫司基爱上牛肉面疙瘩
各种颜色的皮肤各种颜色的头发
嘴里念的说的开始流行中国话

多少年我们苦练英文发音和文法
这几年换他们卷著舌头学平上去入的变化
平平仄仄平平仄
好聪明的中国人好优美的中国话

扁担宽板凳长
扁担想绑在板凳上
板凳不让扁担绑在板凳上
扁担偏要绑在板凳上
板凳偏偏不让扁担绑在那板凳上
到底扁担宽还是板凳长
哥哥弟弟坡前坐
坡上卧著一只鹅
坡下流著一条河
哥哥说宽宽的河
弟弟说白白的鹅
鹅要过河河要渡鹅
不知是那鹅过河
还是河渡鹅

全世界都在学中国话
孔夫子的话越来越国际化
全世界都在讲中国话
我们说的话让世界都认真听话

纽约苏珊娜开了间禅风lounge bar
柏林来的沃夫冈拿胡琴配著电吉他
各种颜色的皮肤各种颜色的头发
嘴里念的说的开始流行中国话

多少年我们苦练英文发音和文法
这几年换他们卷著舌头学平上去入的变化
仄仄平平仄仄平
好聪明的中国人好优美的中国话

有个小孩叫小杜
上街打醋又买布
买了布打了醋
回头看见鹰抓兔
放下布搁下醋
上前去追鹰和兔
飞了鹰跑了兔
洒了醋湿了布
嘴说腿腿说嘴
嘴说腿爱跑腿
腿说嘴爱卖嘴
光动嘴不动腿
光动腿不动嘴
不如不长腿和嘴
到底是那嘴说腿还是腿说嘴

全世界都在学中国话
孔夫子的话越来越国际化
全世界都在讲中国话
我们说的话让世界都认真听话

全世界都在学中国话
孔夫子的话越来越国际化
全世界都在讲中国话
我们说的话让世界都认真听话

逆风
歌手: garden sister 曲: mia 词: 于光中

用独特的关键字眼 我搜寻着世界
只想找到一个空间 布置我的宣言

梦想已存放许多 不在乎被谁偷走
我只有一个感受 我真的真的 我真的受伤过

黑夜逆风细雨 梦想热情和我
痛苦却又甜蜜 why should i care at all? at all...

我不管别人的看法 却又想被人看见
你总是说出了盲点 有时候真是讨厌

信心已存放了许多 你不在却不好过
我只有一个感受 你真的真的 你真的够爱我

黑夜逆风细雨 梦想热情和我
痛苦却又甜蜜 why should i care, why should i care,
why should i care at all? at all...

每个选择路口 我就挑难的路走
每次你放弃我 我突然回头 你却还跟着我

黑夜逆风细雨 梦想热情和我
痛苦却又甜蜜 why should i care, why should i care,
why should i care at all? at all...

听说你比从前快乐。虽然离你那么的遥远，但也为此而替你感到欣慰。如果上帝真的存在，为你祈求快乐的愿望是否已实现了？

感到疲惫。这时候的我，已经站也站不稳。在回家的路上差点又被车撞。哈哈我这个笨蛋没看清楚车，以为它要停在路口，没想到只是他在学车，驾得比较慢，结果我差点给它撞。这时的我问自己，为什么要弄到自己这么累？有什么意义？明明可以轻松点，我却偏偏选择比较难走的路。或许我真的是个傻瓜。。。

觉得自己好自大自我。再怎么隐藏也无法收敛的缺点。我明明希望能变得更好，但人好像只会越变越坏，不可能越变越好。对于人生的无奈，似乎无法改变的世界让我感到厌倦与些许愤怒。对自己的无能感到烦躁，痛恨自己没有力量来改变这个不完美的世界。但或许每个人都得经历这段心路过程，所以目前的我不想想得太多。只想马上躺在床上，一觉到天明，不用再为考试而烦恼，或为时尚琐碎的事情而伤透脑子。

i know i'm being selfish... but...

can't we only have laughter and no tears at all?














deep down i knew it. we have tears to let us enjoy laughter and merriment even more. so the only thing i can do now is to wish for all those who aren't laughing now to find their happy selves back soon...

it's time to start your engine you slacking idiot. first paper in another 3 days time *including today* and you haven't even finished all your tutorials. freaking 16 tutorials waiting for you. i don't care what you've been doing earlier. what's important is this: what others have is a mere 6 papers to deal with. you've got 8. and they're working much harder than you. remember: your goal to get better grades this semester... you want all your subjects to get A? haha don't make me laugh. look at you now. you haven't even done your revision proper. do you know your facts? no! if others have just 6 papers and you've got 8, you jolly well work twice as hard as them. and not forgetting u need to stay on top of the crowd... means u have to work even harder than that. so start planning your time wisely and stop stoning online. RAWRS.

TURN YOUR ENGINE TO TURBO MODE. NOW.

思念。是否是在雨天，或是在深夜的时候感觉特别强烈？

怀念。那些再也倒不回的时光，还是只因对现状的不满？

疲倦。是因为繁忙的生活，还是不想让自己停下脚步呢？

后悔。当时无法挽留的一切，所做过的那些愚昧的举动。。。

逞强。当无法沉浸在过去的回忆里，唯能继续向前迈进。。。

congrats to me again.

i sprained my back again. !@$%^&*^$#@%^&^#

it was over quite a lame reason... i was teaching my student maths at tuition yesterday... and it seems the posture i had while stretching over to my right to show her the working for like half an hour finally took effect as a permanent sprained back which only showed its true colours just before i went to bed. -_-

considering i can't and don't want to sit in a bad chair without proper and nice cushioning for my back with this lower left backache, i decided to skip school.

with my first paper another 7 days away *excluding today* plus another 17 undone tutorials *oh well i slacked my entire last week away* and my electives quizzes/exam yet unprepared... rawrs. i can foresee my entire degree audit with Cs and Ds for this semester X'(

and i finally stopped believing in the horoscope that i have made it send to my inbox everyday... they said i'm in luck today. what luck.

how nice.

1 more week to quiz, 3 more weeks to exam and i realise i haven't printed the second half of the semester's lecture notes. applause pls.

stuck in school with another lousy school computer that doesn't allow any other input language except english. -_-

been feeling kinda moody this weekend... totally no motivation at all... sighz.

how to catch up in time for my exams in 14days time? TT_TT

おはようございます！16 more days till my first paper(which is maths... my "fav" subject hahas)...

loads of stupid stuff that i wanna do... not now... probably after the exams....

1. my sashimi buffet! ok... the last time i went i put on weight cos i ate too much lmao. and my goal now's to reduce my weight! with this little "wish" of mine, i'll probably never be able to reach that target... lolx...

2. sleep more! my eye bags are really irritating me...

3. master a piano piece! er.... i'm recently interested in a piano piece... for two pianos! am i just stupid or plain lame? first there's only one piano in my house, second no one else is going to play the 2nd piano part together with me. so conclusion. i'm dumb. baka. rawrs.

4. study for jlpt 3... haha that's my aim at the end of the year... that is to be able to pass this exam... =) good thing is i'll probably be able to take japanese level 4 next semester... which will greatly help me in preparing for this test... well, i've got an acquintance that passed this exam with just jap level 3 and not studying the vocab for jlpt... (on the night before the exam itself he was still looking through at the list of vocabulary and laughing at how many he doesn't know... like a thousand of them?)

5. think through about my future career options... i just made the choice of going into communications and information technology when i go year 4... i wonder if it's where i really want to be... i even wonder whether i really want to be in ntu studying eee... but right now, it's too late to change path and steer myself elsewhere imo... sighz. who ask me to be near-sighted and never think beyond what i can see... =(

6. go get myself employed. i need money. money. money! omg i bet u can see the money signs on my eyeballs or something. desperately in need of money... one reason is to make me feel not so poor, second is for my bank account to at least grow not diminish. sadly since the start of the year, due to multiple reasons (like my reduced income, didn't work during breaks last year, went on an overseas trip, buying loads of manga, buying textbooks for jlpt, so many friends turning 21!) my bank account decreased tremendously... enough to make me panic. i hate to get money from my parents so i'll have to work my ass off to pay for all the frivolous things i want to have... like more clothes shoes and even that sashimi buffet wahaha... and not forgetting all the textbooks i'll need when the next semester starts... and more friend's birthdays coming up too! ='( for my wallet... so i'll have to work hard man... i mean woman...

oh wait. exams haven't even started, and the end of all these madness is more than a month away! and here i am fanatasizing about what i wanna do after this craziness. >_< time to head back to reality man... =( things i wanna do before exams start...

1. eat my pizzas for breakfast. XD

2. clear all my 25 remaining tutorials in the remaining 16 days? o_O that means i have to do like 2 tutorials per day. blehs.

3. prepare for my astronomy quiz... despite me having s/u that subject (meaning as long as i get a pass i wouldn't care)... but considering how i have never turned up for a single lecture(oh well i did go for the first one.... and popped by a few times, but i'm only physically there... the mind... oh well u understand XD) it's time to start panicking and worry about the quiz in another week's time... plus i have the strange "habit" of confusing astronomy with the word astrology... =X

4. japanese oral and listening test in a weeks time! so much vocabulary and grammer to master! plus all the crazy homework waiting for me.... rawrs.

yeaps that's about it. sounds little as compared to the earlier list of the things i wanna do after exams... lmao... it's a good thing i'm kinda motivated now... cos i'm mugging with my lecture group friends... and we're competing with each other to see who manages to catch up with the other hahahaha.... edwin you better watch out. rawrs.

so... shhh... time for me to start mugging while the rest of the world is still slacking... ;)

rawr. ohayo ne. gakkou ni iru. koko no kompyuuta wa totemo yokunai, nihon go no inpuuto ga nai kara. rawrs. *ok the rawring part is not japanese =(*

loads of thoughts in my head that i can't get rid of... it's kinda irritating cos it makes me think about it even when i'm trying to do my tutorials in school now. japanese then analog electronics. not a good combination. add in the lack of sleep. and my crave for... hot steaming chicken porridge? ok just take it i'm crazy.

thinking about friendship and love. again hahaha. yesterday i felt a little bad, cos one of my friends from japanese class... the guy she liked is attatched... haha that sounds a little nostalgic... remembering the days i once had... so i can understand how she feels... but i'm not really close to her considering i only knew her from jap class this semester... although i tried to talk to her to make her cheer up a little... i can't tell whether it's just her being tired from school that day, or it's because of that... once we stop talking she looked sad... and i couldn't help at all... i've met with similar situations before, but each time i feel being unable to help my friend i'll get mad at my incompetence though i knew deep down there's nothing wrong and nothing i can do to change that... rawr.

thinking about pico again. lmao. i think i've gone pico-crazy.... even my handphone wallpaper is a cute picture of her... =) looking at her makes me smile. omg it's like she's my child liddat lmao...

motivation motivation motivation. lately i've been thinking... what if the reason that had been propelling you to do something in the past is no longer there? would you still persist in what u're doing or just give up the whole matter and pursue something else? it's like me doing eee in ntu now... at the beginning i thought i had the passion for it... which i did i suppose... now i'm lost as to where to go next... because the propelling reason is now gone... why am i even in ntu? i admit it's fun to play with the breadboards here and write computer programs for computing and microprocessor lessons... but comparing it to life in nus.... i suppose it should be around the same? then why am i in ntu instead of nus when i can go to both schools anyway... the deciding factor for me to come to ntu is gone anyway...

living in a world without you. the future i once predicted had you. but now u're not there. my future would be without you too. how do i deviate my current life into such a future? if i see u again next time, how will things be like? so many questions but no answers to them...

i suppose this might just mean i'm too free to ponder about all these questions. means i'm not stressed enough. 2+ weeks more to exams! 30+ tutorials to clear! loads of notes to memorise especially for electives! ok i feel the stress already... time to head back to the "wonderful" world of op-amps and analog electronics. bleh.

i'm back again... feeling much better than the previous time... though i'm currently under a torment of some stupid headache... thanks to eugene and cyc... those comments made me feel a little better... at least someone understands me... but yeap it's my family, i'll always be part of it no matter how much i hate it or stuff. it's their way of showing they care i suppose, so i just have to bear with it.

some new stuff... exams in 3 weeks time damn it. pansy's kitten called Pico (dunno if the spelling's right) is damn cute! can't get enough of going over to her house to play with Pico for 3 consecutive days lolx... she's *i'm refering to Pico btw* injured... had a fracture on her right hind leg... and she's actually a stray kitten... but pansy the cat lover brought Pico home to take care of her leg... and she's so cute! learned how to hold her using my hands today haha... i like pets though i probably lack the responsibility to take good care of them...

some questions people had asked me before and spurred me to question myself beyond that... are those grey areas of life... like how people these days lack the motivation to live and do well in life... like the morality of love : the motivation behind love... and. when i'm getting attatched. -_-''' ok that's pretty out of point.

first things first : i totally agree most people these days lack the drive to go on and strive for greater heights. our lives are filled with work work work, with no time to enjoy the beautiful things around us. Even if we are really that self motivated, in the long run that's not going to last for long imo. so moral of the story, stop our footsteps and listen to what our needs are. do we need money? do we need that much of money? do we need to study? do we need to study that much? so... don't bother studying for the exams in 3 weeks time! woohoo~

next. morality of love. what motivates people to love? when my friend asked me when i'm getting myself attatched, i should have told him i'm emotionally attatched to myself. rawr. then we wouldn't have to go on to talk about the reason for people to become attatched : whether it's right or wrong to fall in love just because you need someone there for you, because u're lonely. of course, textbook answers say no. but in reality? i doubt how many would really stick to that textbook answer. it seems these days love is so fickle... people's hearts can change within a split second. so how can i believe those useless textbook answers?

third. let's consider this scenario... if there's someone of the opposite sex u kinda like and are rather good pals with him/her, but that person is already attatched. would you continue to be friends and become even closer, or pull out of the whole scenario out of fear of you doing something you wouldn't want to do? answer should be... the former. but the latter seems rather valid to me too. haha maybe i just like wandering around the grey areas...

fourth. i've thought about this long deep and whatever. (fill in the blank yourself, can't think of the adjective right now.) what specialisation should i choose for my final year? time really flies. sighz now i really wonder about my choice of coming to ntu to study eee. i wonder about my true motivation behind this choice. on the surface i claim i prefer practical stuff (which is true)... but deep down, i wonder if something else had been the ultimate factor pulling me all the way here. which was a stupid move anyway. originally it was a move for a future i had predicted, which didn't and wouldn't happen anyway. so that's a stupid move. so in an attempt to salvage this stupid move, i have to come up with a slightly better plan for my "future" so that i wouldn't walk down this road regretting every minute of it. not that i am now, but... you get my point. should i go computer engineering (from eee? am i crazy?) or communication engineering? or information and communications? rawr. i have no idea... sighz.

fifth. this ever on-going debate within myself. what is the difference between true love and just habitual "love". habitually thinking about someone, habitually waiting for someone. hmmmmms. does that sound suggestive? whatever u're thinking of... it's not wahahahahahahaha. or then again. maybe it is. whisper into my ear and i'll probably let u know what i'm actually thinking.

omg i'm not making sense. it doesn't help when u have like 26 tutorials to finish in less than 21 days. meaning i need to do like 2 tutorials a day? and i haven't even finished 1 tonite. sighz. i wish i can self proclaim e-learning week for the next 3 weeks. =(

i hate it whenever i quarrel with someone. i hate it when all the anger and resentment pent up within me shoots up and takes over my actions... stopping me from hearing what others have to say, unable to see who's in the wrong and who's right.

for a moment, i had the accusation going on in my head... for all the bad things i have in my life, it's cos of you. cos of the "prison" and limitations you put on me. i'm not going to be your little girl forever. i'm always "teased" by my friends to be mummy's girl. even when i'm no longer young anymore. i know i know... in parent's eyes, their child will always be their child. but i'm sick of that. having to return home by 12, setting good example for my younger siblings... responsibilities that they emphasize too much till the point i don't want to acknowldege them... so i always end up running from them. i hate being the eldest. i hate being scolded for the things that the eldest always have to fight for... like more freedom... just look at how smug my brother is.. he doesn't have to worry much about returning home late because i was the one who got scolded beforehand for returning home late. so if i was a guy and not the eldest i'd probably not be the target of all these constant nagging and things like that.

i'm not always going to be your little girl. i appreciate you trying to protect me and stuff, but if u're not around what am i going to do? if one day i have nowhere to return to, will i still be able to survive on my own in this world? sadly, for now i think the answer is a no. i hate that. i hate growing up but i hate being so dependent on others, which makes me feel so insecure, as i know deep down this pillar for me to lean on might disappear any time...

sometimes i just hate the way my family works... no visitors allowed in the house. cannot return home beyond 12. that's just so autocratic. but i must admit the support they give me is not that bad too. like having not to do house chores every single day... it does give me one less worry... and let me relax a little more when i reach home. the last thing i ever want is to feel even stressed when i'm home. stress is left for the world outside of my home. but unfortunately that can't be true. stress is everywhere. and in the mind. not something i can probably control, but i want to try to keep it that way.

we're not supposed to openly express our desires in asian societies. i hate that. i hate that idea imprinted into my family. not that i don't express my desire, but just look at me my sis and my brother.... we don't openly express our desires that we have deep down to our friends or even within our family. is it just the way this family was brought up or what i don't know.

i just know sometimes i'm so sick of this family despite all its good points that i want to run away from it...

late night ramblings

another late night entry... time check now is 3:23am...

was at my pri school class outing... apparently they had another outing last year but i wasn't informed i suppose... don't really know what to say to them too... i wonder if it's cos i just don't like to interact in big groups... or it's just one of my excuses again...

feeling super duper tireds now, but i don't want to sleep now... wanted to study until the next morning... bet i'll become a panda by then... but my eye lids are getting pretty heavy...

i'm really sure this is probably one of my "think a lot" times again... usually this kind of periods last for like from a few days to maybe weeks... seems like the person whom i thought i am is very different from what others think i am... can't decide whether this is a good thing or a bad thing...

i realise i have a really short attention span. and i can't standing having too many pple trying to talk at the same time. it happened at my class outing just now... having too many ongoing conversations made me totally unable to focus on any single one of them... so i ended up staying silent most of the time, trying to listen and catch up on stuff i didn't know... i wonder if it's cos i kinda shut myself out for 2 years... almost there... and i wonder why i tend to listen to others more... is it because i don't wanna fight with them the chance to speak my mind, or issit because i'm afraid no one's interested to hear what i've been through. or maybe it's cos of my lack of communication skills... i lack the ability to say witty things to make people laugh? whatever it is... it means i probably have to brush up my skills with interacting with pple in huge groups. strangely that sounds so wrong... like i'm doing for the sake of doing. or like i'm someone extremely false...

once again bringing me back to the point of my "identity crisis"... who exactly am i? some pple commented that i seem super fake when they first meet me... when they don't really know me... i wonder if i appear so to my pri school classmates. whatever it is... how they view me might matter... but the most important thing is whether i'm staying true to who i am. they can think that i'm being false when i'm showing my true self, but i wouldn't really care. cos i understand... strangely... that i'm used to being misunderstood... hahahaha~

don't wanna sleep tonight. want to study. but my back's aching like crazy. tell me what to do now?

all man has sins.
god is forgiving and forgives man's sins.
but i am not god.
i'm not as forgiving as him.
i can forgive all except mine.

another restless night. having a slight headache from lack of sleep from previous night... wondering how i'll spend my weekend on pri school class outing, looking for bdae present and how to finish studying and try to catch up on schoolwork. not as busy as probably su weixiang... whom i've talked to just now... guess we're all busy with our own lives... hard to find time to catch up with friends whom we don't meet as well...

you really should let go... he was the one who wanted to leave from your sight to seek his own happiness. and when it seems he doesn't find that... it's not your fault at all. it has got nothing to do with you in the first place. repeat that in your mind 1000 times.

having a little bit of... erms... constipation? body not feeling really good... on the verge of falling sick perhaps... irregular eating times, not enough sleep, not eating good and i wanna try reduce my weight. *yar yar... 50 by may...* i survived another day without incurring bruises to myself! though there were several things that happened that might have bruised me... like tripping over the stairs, my toe with the nail chipped off stepped by a stranger on the crowded bus etc. i'm still alive. is that supposed to be a "yatta!" or a "oh shit"?

i wonder... if i meet you again in school... how would we react to each other's presence? say hi like normal friends? or pretend we didn't see each other. or even pretend we don't know each other. all is wrong in the first place.

i don't understand why i'm so stubborn about this whole thing.

yeah. time to make it all disappear.

wow. another 12:30am entry late in the night. tireds to the core, but this happens every single day when i reach home... not a easy thing to cope with quizzes happening every single week... plus catching up on school work i've lagged since start of school hahaha~ loads of thoughts these few weeks... wonder if i have the time energy and if i even remember what i wanted to talk about...

been feeling a little... suicidal? these days... well... seems like i've caught the "accident-prone" disease from my good friend pansy... if i didn't remember wrongly, 2 weeks ago my left big toe nail got chipped off half of it... next few days i fell on my back while running along the wet corridor in my house, resulting in a sprained back... then just after the bruises on my back disappeared i got hit by a stupid bicycle *who shot past the red lights on the road, got horned by cars, hitting the pedestrain (yes that's me) that was just trying to cross the road when the green man just lit up...* and yeap. i hurt my back again -_-. so i was convinced that within the next few days i'll probably meet with a even bigger mishap. like getting hit on the head by a falling flower pot. or like what my friend said, getting choked while eating food. after i "cursed" myself in front of my friends, a few moments later i trapped and bruised my right index finger cos i was half awake and tried to keep the small table in the lecture theatre. wow.

wad's next? besides the falling flower pot or getting choked? getting electrocuted or something? or struck by lightning? i'll be waiting for you.... wadeva mishap that's on the way. i've even got my handy zam-bak which helps heal bruises faster in my bag... *which i used to get rid of the painful bruise on my right index finger haha* yar... so wadever it is... i'm not afraid. bah.

then there's the thing with my... rebellious and... maybe a little rude? tuition kid. yes i'm talking about you, mark... haha... see... sometimes i really think about the things you say to me... hmmms... like saying i'm fat *well i admit i'm not really thin like a skeleton... er you get my point* yeaps it's time i should go on a diet, thanks very much for reminding me that... then next... about me being a loner... hmms i didn't rebut you that time cos i thought... maybe there's some truth to that. but after some of the crazy things i've done with my ntu friends today... i guess not? well... a lot of things i didn't say to my ntu friends... and neither to mark as well... i don't like to rely on people too much. cos i think i'll grow too dependent on them... so i prefer to do things on my own if i can handle it myself. well... people will probably think i'm anti-social? maybe that's not my primary concern here regarding this issue... it's sorta my principle in life bah... second... i'm the... passive kind... i don't usually ask my friends to go on errands with me cos i don't want them to waste their precious time on simple stuff i need to go out to do... and going out alone doesn't mean u're a loner... ok so much for self defense haha...

i admit i'm not a very good friend. what kind of people qualify as being "a good friend"? maybe it's when you take the initiative to celebrate for your friend's birthday? not betraying their trust. yeah i think that's one of the important things i value in a true friendship. sadly not everyone can stay true to their relationship. there's so much deceit going on in this world that sometime i'm just too disgusted by it. or maybe i'm just thinking too much.

this brings to mind... ah. the stupid dip project thingy. that time when our group approached a certain professor to ask him to be our overall supervisor with our idea, he initially seemed interested and we thought our proposal would be approved. next he told us it was just too broad. after we're totally sick and tired of our proposals being rejected, under the list of projects accepted by mentoring professors, we saw his name there. meaning, he probably had another group approach him and he chose that group over ours? well... maybe i'm misunderstanding something here, don't think anyone out there could provide an explanation to this... but it just didn't feel good. makes me wonder how true are the responses from these professors... they can seem friendly to you during lectures *well they probably have to, if they value their job and want to look good as a lecturer?* but beyond that? are they still as friendly as they seem? how true are they to themselves? oh wait. i should be asking myself this question.

who exactly am i? i'm thoroughly confused with myself. my identity. am i just a stupid brainless idiot who likes to entertain and bring joy to those around me, or the selfish bastard who ignores others needs and immerse in my own problems or something? whatever it is. i hate to be hovering between the two. one moment i can be so warm to others, the next moment i want to be just left alone. if any guy can differentiate my mood and what i want to do, haha i'll be that guy's girlfriend. ok that was meant to be a joke. laugh please.

i'm just too skeptial for my own good. i don't know why... is this some kind of... depression? or maybe it's not so serious... just simply pessimism? when i go out and meet people... sometimes when i interact with them, i "hear" totally negative voices interpreting others actions in my head... like when someone's nice to me... i'll "think" that... oh that's just cause u'll need my help later, so u're being nice to me now... or like when someone asks me a question... i know i should try my best to answer to his/her query, but sometimes i get the "idea" that... hey u're not really serious about knowing the answer to this... so why bother explaining to you? is this skeptism or pessimism or is there really something wrong with me?

not that i'll expect any kind of answer here anyway. just thought i'll post it online as one of my never ending rants.

and just to add on to the rants: when will the quizzes ever end? rawr.

on a side note... just after i posted this entry... i'm back to edit it. seems like i've treaded on something i shouldn't have gone back to visit. don't understand why... maybe it's just cos it's late at night where no one can disturb the flashbacks i get from the past. a pang of hurt, pain and maybe... resignation to whatever that had happened. no way we can connect the broken relationship back again i suppose. we're never good friends in the first place anyway. not that i'll take the first move again, haha. damn it. i hate myself for being so stubborn and unable to wipe away scars from the past.

i thought the song below was nice... except for the lyrics sounding a little funny... well it's a j-pop song though it's sung in english. can't blame them if the engrish sounds furnies...



Winter Song
sung by : OLIVA inspi' REIRA ~Trapnest~

It keeps coming back to me
I remember this pain
It spreads across my eyes
Everything is dull

Everyone's smiling, they're smiling

It pushes me far, far away
I can't understand
Everything is blue

Can you hear me out there?

Will you hold me now...
Hold me now
My frozen heart
I'm gazing from the distance and...
I feel everything pass through me
I can't be alone right now

Will you hold me now
Hold me now
My frozen heart
I'm lost in a deep winter sleep
I can't seem to find my way out alone
Can you wake me

I know when I let it in
It hides love from this moment
So I guard it close
I watch the moves it makes

But it gets me, but it gets me

I wish I could understand how I
Could make it disappear...
Make it disappear

Anyone out there hear me now?

Will you hold me now
Hold me now
My frozen heart
Kiss my lips and maybe you can
Take me to your world for now
I can't be alone right now

Will you hold me now
Hold me now
My frozen heart
Please make it all go away
Am I ever gonna feel myself again?
I hope I will...

Will you hold me now...
Hold me now
My frozen heart
I'm gazing from the distance and...
I feel everything pass through me
I can't be alone right now

Will you hold me now
Hold me now
My frozen heart
I'm lost in a deep winter sleep
I can't seem to find my way out alone...
Can you wake me?

今天从下午开始下起了豪雨，让我整天都沉浸在迷迷糊糊的状态。明明想要在教补习之前那小小空档的时间来好好享用晚餐，到了最后却忽然改变主意，无缘无故跑 到书局去，只是想要走走看看有没有什么好看的书 *其实是要找飞轮海的写真。。。虽然我早就知道他们应该是卖到断货了。。。* 却让我发现了几米最新的作品！

书名是《恋之风景》。当初看到这本“宝”的第一感想只是：哇。几米又有新书了！兴奋地翻阅这本新书，每个字每幅画都深深触碰到我的心。感觉到眼泪在眼角打转。为故事与现实的无奈而感叹。

故 事说的是一对恩爱的男女一起遇到车祸，男子不幸离开了人间，留下寂寞与绝望的女友。女子不再相信幸福，沉浸在自己的悲伤里，看不到世上的一切美好，就好 像眼睛被蒙上似的。但她时不时听到死去的男友在她耳边不断的鼓励她，她相信她的心上人变成了守护在她身边的天使，也应次慢慢恢复了，也慢慢开始再次欣赏周 围的美丽事物。但天使越在人类耳边说话，翅膀上的羽毛就会越掉越多。她的爱人因为对她深深的爱，不惜牺牲自己的性命，翅膀上的羽毛完全脱落，他也无法再留 在她身边。。。女子仍然认为男友还一直守护在她身旁。。。

嗨。这是个多么凄美的故事。我忍不住，差点想马上拥有这本画册，毕竟我已经很久没有被一本书感动过。太多无法用言语形容的感触，我本来以为用华文，或许比较容易表达，但到此依然不知从何说起。

或许失去会让你的双眼被悲痛所蒙蔽，但当你走出悲伤，还会认为已经不再存在的东西依然存在吗？

感想一直卡在脑海里，无法将它一一写下，就留到改次想到了再加一补充。

it's time to stop moping in darkness and sorrow.
i want to fill my life with little bubbles of happiness.