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Top Student Feigns Surprise At 'A' Level Results

Posted on Wednesday, September 06, 2000Topic: Local News
by Ayam Goreng

Top student Chow Mah Ger, 18, of Raffles Junior College, widened his eyes upon receiving his 'A' level results, creating the widespread impression that the 4 A's he obtained in Chemistry, Biology, Physics and Maths 'C', A1's in General Paper and Chinese, as well as Special Paper Distinctions in Chemistry, Biology and Physics, were totally unexpected.

"This is unbelievable," Chow was reported saying to himself, audibly enough for his curious classmates to hear, but not too loud as to appear as if he was gloating over the entire school population, "I never expected this at all."

By affecting a certain trembling of his hands while removing the results slip from its envelope, and subsequently gulping as he saw his grades revealed by a gradual inching over the envelope's edge, Chow was able to orchestrate the overall illusion that his results were achieved purely by chance, rather than through countless hours of anti-social mugging in the school library.

"It's not as if it's a big shock to all of us," remarked Jacklyn Seet, 18, his classmate, who would only mention that her results were 'not as impressive'. "Mah Ger has always been the biggest mugger in the class. He's got this special system of highlighting his notes, switching between purple, green, blue, pink and yellow, so his notes always look like some crazy colour chart. But if you ask me, it's to make his notes look like such an eyesore that nobody else would want to read them."

This possessive streak in Mah Ger's studying habits has not escaped the notice of other students who share lecture halls with him.

According to rugby captain and retainee Andy Seow, 20, "Mah Ger was this guy who sat right in front of the lecture, bent over, adjusting his specs, and clamping about 10 different highlighters between his thighs. We all thought he was too poor to afford higher degree spectacles or something and I guess we sort of pitied the guy. But the thing was that he sat in front so that he could snatch the transparency from the lecturer in case he couldn't finish copying in time."
Upon further nudging, Seow reluctantly shared the following anecdote: "See, there was this one time when I think he didn't cap his highlighters properly and so the crotch area of his white pants sort of got stained with these rainbow-coloured markings. And believe it or not, the guy wasn't even aware of it. When he walked past the rugby table, we all started singing the Paddle Pop song, but he still didn't get it."

"What I don't get is why he has to act like he's so surprised at getting his results," remarked Nizam Haron, 18, Mah Ger's alleged rival in the school's Chemistry Olympiad team. 'He's a total muggertoad, no girlfriend, no TV, he doesn't even turn up for class barbecues. I bet you he already knew what grades he was getting immediately after the papers. I had the good fortune of taking the train back with him after the exams and he kept trying to compare his answers with mine. There was this long debate we had about the structure of benzene and he called me up the next morning to tell me that he was right after reading up Paterson's Organic Chemistry. And he kept going on about how he's only managed to detect two mistakes so far, and he had the feeling that his A was in the bag. Big deal. All I wanted at that point was to go out and party."

When asked if he had attended the Prom Night, the school's glitzy end-of-year affair where students indulge in rounds of autographs, photo-taking, and general nostalgia, Chow could only offer a bashful smile and said, "I'm sorry, I'm just a bit too overwhelmed right now, this whole thing is just so unexpected." He then returned to the task of posing for press photographs, beaming widely, and holding his results slip in his hands in triumphant poses.

After using the words 'unexpected' and 'surprised' at least 30 times throughout the course of the day, including their equivalent versions in Mandarin for the benefit of the Chinese papers, Mah Ger was able to share with us his impressive list of ECA achievements, which included being the Chairman of the Wargamers' Society, Vice-Chairman of the Horticultural Club, a Treasurer of the Computing Society, as well as manning the water station for the inter-faculty Cross Country competition a year ago. He was also an amateur pipa player and shook the tambourine during a mini-concert on Teacher's Day as a member of a short-lived band called 'Chain Reaction', consisting mainly of gangly, awkward, zero-charisma Triple Science students.

Vikram Naidu, 18, a student councillor, had a few parting shots: "He really shouldn't have overdone the 'totally stunned' look. Is Mah Ger going to get his A's? Is the Pope Catholic? Tomorrow we're all going to see him in the papers, top student, active in ECA's, now in Officer Cadet School, which is a mystery to all of us because this was the guy who skipped PE lessons when the school was being painted because he claimed the fumes made him giddy."

"I'm sure he's going to brag about how he achieved it all through consistent hard work, and fail to mention the fact that the librarian often used to jangle her keys in front of his face and chase him out of the library or how he's completed his ten-year series books three times over," continued Mr. Naidu. " And if it's the Mah Ger we all know, he might even mention the fact that he was even nominated for Prom King. The sad thing is everyone in the entire school knew it was a sabo job, except him."

When asked if Chow eventually turned up for the Prom, Naidu erupted in a burst of laughter and replied, "Did Mah Ger attend the Prom? Does the sun rise in the West?"