Of Smiles and Sunshine

sumimasen abt this... but i guess i'll be blogging quite a bit these few days...

i'm still thinking abt the anime... sheesh...

trying hard to do as wad kelvin says...别胡思乱想.. and wad zhanxin says... 别想那么多...

sighz.. now contemplating whether to go out or not...

randy's not online... so cannot talk to him abt the anime which left him in a.... wadeva u call it.. emotional stress? hahaz... dunno... but definitely.. shaken... yes.. that's the word..

all of a sudden.. i juz feel like.. sitting on my comp chair.. and to rot away my whole day...

mind being blank... clear like the water...

gosh.. wad am i talking... i sound like i'm suffering from depression or stuff.

reading through pple's blogs... realised that.... many have their own problems which other dun seem to understand... wondering if i've misunderstood or not tried to understand other pple's problems at all now...

somehow... all of a sudden... my mind is brought back to the anime.... "you do and say things to make yourself feel more at ease...." for example... u're tied down to your own problems which seem so huge which u can't manage on your own... so u turn ur focus to other pple's problems and try to help others so that u'll feel more at ease... but in actual fact u're juz running away...

now i'm stuck at timo's blog.. listening to the nice music on his blog... and mind... drifting... drifting.. to a far far away place...

wondering if i'm becoming a pest to pple... hahaz... juz like... how sometimes i feel irritated if someone kept pestering me.. *winkz to weixiang* maybe... it's cos i can't let go... and i've become quite dependent on my friends... especially those whom i consider close... and always confide to them... sorry if i'm becoming too pestering yar?

which brings my mind back to the anime again... something which mitsuki said before she broke off with takayuki... i realised that i've become too dependent on you... and so... now i'm going to break off my dependence on you...

do i have to do the same thing too? before things get... out of hand?

*slaps self* wad am i talking?

when faced with pressure.. wad would u do? start throwing tantrums? let off steam? or juz keep quiet?

none of the three options seem best at times... and out of all these three "shitty" options... whichever u choose.. will still deem u as a "bad" guy... and when nobody seem to understand the situation u're in... u juz... get frustrated...

i wanna become your pillar... but i realised how hard it is... so all i can do is to stand afar... and to observe... to try to understand you... your situations... and to give u smiles when u're down... =) and to say words of encouragement when u need them...

even if i have to be a bad guy to make u smile?

and.. all these... even if i've tried to do these things... is it enough?

*slap slap*... again.. wad am i talking abt?

oh my gosh... i sound rather incoherent... haiz...

enough of random ranting for now... shall try to drown myself in peanuts and mahjong... hahaz... =)