Of Smiles and Sunshine

sighz sighz sighz.

this is the third time i'm trying to attempt to type an entry here...

all my thoughts in a clutter now.. can't even get them organised...

having a headache now. haven't done gp which i needed to finish by tomoloz for consult.

feeling that everything is crashing down now.

how ironic is life?

juz now.. i was telling u that i wun be affected.. but, as i read the previous entries... i could still feel... pain... as i read through, from ur account even, instead of my own thoughts and feelings during that period of time... hahaz...

y issit that it still hurts? i dun understand. issit cos of my stubborn nature? and my unwillingness to let go?

if only i'm juz some small plain ordinary girl down the street, who would not even dare to dream beyond reality... things would have been so much happier...

sometimes... i juz feel... that there are so, so many things which i wanna tell u... to tell juz.. anybody whom i know.. but due to the different circumstances, i couldn't say... juz have to keep everything buried beneath me...

and someone once commented... i can feel there's something destroying urself within u...

issit really true? i dunno... those... feelings.. seem to be like a time bomb.. waiting to explode...

it exploded once.. and i can't imagine how things would like if it exploded again...

someone told me again... "dun think abt it now... it's not wise to make decisions wif such mental state" hahaz... how to stop thinking now when... u know that u can't stop thinking?

maybe i should really try that exercise the school taught us to clear our minds... hahaz...

not good enuff for everything. not good enough to be a kind and sensitive friend. not good enough to care for u guys... so wad if my feelings hold true? it doesn't mean that... everything would turn out alright...

i'm juz tireds... tired of the past, present, and the bleak future.

if i even have a future.

how i wish that things were different. that u need not have to suffer... and that... perhaps.. i wasn't even around in this world..