on the eve of a not at all special day.

hahaz...

dunno wad's wrong with me now... all of a sudden feel everything crashing down...

it's not work, it's not relationships *at least that's wad i would love to think...*... it's not... well.. i dunno now...

family? i duno... maybe it plays a huge part now... juz feeling ultra dumb and horrible now... juz now... came home late cos went shopping with xiaoli pansy fifi dey all for prom dress... ended up reaching home like.. at 7.45.... and it's like.. my parent's wedding aniversary... jialats. i only remembered all of a sudden when i reached west mall... after i bought a $9.50 comic book... leaving myself totally broke with 2.50 left.... and i was thinking... aiyah.. so late le.. might as well try to rush home asap.. rather than to spend more time trying to shop for a present for my parents... brisk walked all the way home... den tried to appear cheery when i reached home... my mum questioned where i went.. so i told her truthfully...

den... after the 7o'clock show... when she could settle down and start nagging and scolding pple again... it all comes down again... nag at my brother to stop using comp... nag at me... repremanded y i din score well for chem... *wah.. i really tried hard le lohz... i really did...* hahaz... she simply din get it bah. all of a sudden i'm so envious of my sister who seems to be able to ace everything.

maybe i'm feeling stressed now bah.... not meeting up to pple's different expectations... i'm not perfect at all... so why come blame me for some of the things i couldn't really control? for eg... my chem? maybe i din study hard enuff le... but at least i din find it disappointing... sometimes i appear to heck care abt results and everything.. but deep down, i know my limits.. i wun let myself duo4 luo4 until so jialats.. personally i was kinda upset that i got a d... den i cheered myself up by saying that it's only prelims and that... well, at least i made some improvements, and now at least i'm slightly above average... den she comes along and make me sink back into everything again. hahaz... well done. *oh my god. i'm back to the good ole sacarstic me.*

it's not her fault bah. the fault lies with myself.. feeling a headache coming towards myself..

i have too many faults.. but people seem to think i dun have those faults... and to try to meet up to their expectations.. maybe i'm juz trying too hard... but still unable to make it... hahaz...

sometimes i really wanna slap myself.. i guess i juz dunno how to express myself at all... no observation skills.. not gentle at all... dunno how to show care for others. i really tried to be a "good friend" to be there for my friends when they need them... but then maybe it's juz all a cover... juz to cover up my weaknesses...

like now. how i try to pretend i'm okies when my dad juz came out of the shower...

once again, i had been proven how hard it is to be "a nice person".

i'm not a nice person at all... how many times have i tried to revert back to the bad, totally insensitive idiot? well... i'm always liddat wad.... no matter how hard u try to cover wadeva flaws u have, u're still.. flawed. there's no way to change it... we are all flawed cos none of us are perfect... then y issit that u muz think that i can do this, i can do that.. and i can do and be everything in the world?

hahaz.. sorry for that senseless ramblings...

i'm not a good sister at all... my sis juz wun tell me her problems.. and appear that she has none... and i'm being the idiotic overbearing sister by hogging the com to type this stupid blog entry now... and with regards to my brother, i appear to be doing nothing to help him in his studies... or to help my mum discipline my brother..

and i'm not a good daughter.. for being so insensitive... so blur... so idiotic... to go and have thoughts of slapping my mum sometimes when she's too irritating... sigh... maybe it's my foul mood... and... sometimes or rather most of the times, i would juz.. heck care abt everything in the familiy... dun care abt housework... or washing dishes after dinner at all...

studies wise... i feel i'm still okies by my own standards, but my mum juz feels i'm still millions of miles away from the 4 A she wanted... lucky she din know abt the s papers thingy... or else i bet she would have used that to make me study even harder now..

and... to my friends... juz feel i'm totally blur and insensitive... can't even tell whether someone is feeling okies or not... i'm such a darn failure... and... i wanna show care and concern... but juz dunno how... and so i'll choose to keep quiet... and juz let that person zi4 shen1 zi4 mie4... i ought to be shot to death.... and i can't help pple keep secrets.... so next time pple out there ur might as well not trust me anymore... dun tell me secrets any more...

and i'm juz a super chor lor girl... who doesn't know how to react when things happen... pple say i look elegant? and the "gao1 bu4 ke3 pan1".... but.... hahaz. they are all wrong.... i'm the person who cannot "gao1 pan1" they themselves.... so i should juz simply keep my mouth shut and juz continue smiling like some idiot.

and now my dad has to help me wash dishes again cos maybe he could tell i was crying before hand... and he tries to pretend he doesn't know.

hahaz...i oso can't understand myself.. it's only results only lehz.. only a stupid chem result with a d... wad for be so upset? the normal me would juz laff at this horrible result and then move on.. but somehow this time, i can't...

i'm not good at anything... not good at studies, not good at being a good friend *where got good friends forget their good frienz birthdays one?* not being a good sister and daughter... i simply have no idea how to be nice... i tot i knew last time.. .turned out i was horribly wrong... i wanted to bring joy to others... turned out i brought more trouble for them... hahaz... smart girl, smart girl...

sighz. shall not hog the com any longer... happy birthday in advance to me. and... being a year older brings me a step closer to eternal slumber... ... time to stop being such a idiot before i have no chances left at all...