Of Smiles and Sunshine

originally had loads of things on my mind for me to update... all of a sudden now... i'm at a loss of words...

these few days had been busy days for me... went for class gathering, ktv... not really loads of time for me to rest... and most of the time when i wasn't involved in any physical activities i was thinking...

pple keep having the impression i'm the youngest in the family while actually in reality i'm the exact opposite... i dunno whether this is good or bad... good in a sense.. cos i never wanted to be the eldest in the family... cos the responsibility... i'm juz not up to it... so i simply shun away from being the big sis all the time...

but then again... no matter how much i try to fight... it is already a fact that i'm the earliest to enter this living world than my two other siblings... and there's no way i can change my fate...

i've been running away from my responsibilities as an elder sis... never really been a good daughter to support my parents... maybe it's time for me to stop being so stubborn and to simply succumb to fate and simply carry out my responsibilities as the older sis...

but how?

now that i've kinda decided that i shall stop running, i have no idea to start walking or juz simply to stand... lolz~













remember how i really hated pple deh-ing to me? i juz realised that the most deh person is... actually... me... hahaz~ deh to my collegues... deh to my parents... deh to my siblings oso... juz to get away from the chores i dislike... or to get attention.... or simply to get them to do things for me... so that i can save the trouble.. hahaz... now i realised how ironic all the things i've been doing all the while... pot calling the kettle black... tell other pple to stop deh-ing while i've been deh-ing....

some things... u juz can't get them by simply throwing your temper around... or by trying to act cute... *furnie how this sounds so much like wad randy would say... ha~*













have been telling to those who were at the class gathering / ktv outing... how this cleaner uncle at my workplace was "cursing" me that i can't go into uni... all the while i didn't really think about this issue... until on friday... while i was working halfway.. this prc uncle came into our office to mop the floor... den he started talking non stop... target me loh... start talking abt.. how he wish i could stay in the company.. *which i said.. but i'm not going anywhere in chinese...* and then he juz continued talking as though i was going to stay in the company for the rest of my life... then i told him i'm going to uni... and he was like... "wad if u dun get into uni?" wao kaoz... the moment he said it i felt darn insulted... and he simply kept talking... making me feel more and more inferior... as though i really cannot get into uni liddat... until my tears were juz about to roll down from my eyes le... wad de... -_- stupid uncle... dun wanna talk to him any more.. =X

but after that... come to think of it... i laughed at how silly i was... i'm not the top of the class... neither am i the top of anything... where in the world would i have the confidence to say that i'll definitely get into uni? esp. considering how badly i screwed up for my a lvls... arrgh~ there's no point for me to confide into others abt this matter, for they'll simply say stuff like.. heyz~ u're in hc... hc pple most of them go uni... or.. heyz... ur results so much better than mine loh... sure can get 4 'A's... blah blah blah... the truth is... after hearing wad that cleaner uncle said... *who claims he was an engineer which i really doubt.. ha~* i really start to wonder...







and... wad exactly am i going to do after i receive my results? apply for scholarship? that is... if i manage to score well enuff... i simply cannot go on a scholarship sponsered by my parents... guess maybe i'll have to half work half study... but that'll mean i might not have time for other commitments... which i oso dun really wan... i guess the best i can do now is to save up as much as i can now... *which is quite hard considering that i'm such a spendrift... ha~* but oh well... i'm going to try as much as i can...




wad course am i going to take? issit engineering? issit really going to be engineering? i feel that i've somehow limited my choices ever since... well... i started thinking abt this issue... i feel that all those around me had their futures planned out... while mine is juz... well... hazy... grey... wadeva~ lolz~ not that i'm happy abt this.... in fact... i'm getting worried now... cos i'm so so blur about everything... i dun even know wad are the possible career options i can consider...

simply put... i dun even know wad i want...

and time is running out..













so... what issit that i've been doing for the past three months? all i know is that... i've been waiting... waiting for wad? i dunno... lolz~ waiting... for some... of the fog with regards to my future to clear? i dun even know... after re-reading my thoughts... i thought i sound confused... but then again... i'm not...

wad a paradox...

if u were here beside me, probably u can help me 指点迷津... ha~













是不是不论什么事都可以先苦后甜? 不论雨下得再大，雨天后一定会有彩虹？其实心里明明呢么明白，却是那么不愿相信...