late in the middle of the night again. i wonder y i'm still awake at this hour despite being so tireds like.. 5 hours ago? i remembered i totally konk out on the bus on my way home from orchard... actually i had no idea y i was there, i wasn't even eager to go shopping at all wif sc, pansy xiaoli n yixin... but in the end i went... i wonder y... probably cos i was trying to fit in... and in the end i realised that... nah, no point... if u dun u never will. some things cannot be forced.
arr... yes, back to the middle of the night... i ponder about things happening around me... apparently i've caught the homework/schooling blues... only 4th day of school reopening and i'm already starting to feel down. stress perhaps? like jap course... 1st week got lesson liao, next lesson on mon the sensei is going to give us a dictation/spelling test already -_- geez i really can't stop my pace at all, to even slack the slightest bit. and this is only week 1, where i only have lectures no tutorials... i can't imagine the upcoming weeks... perhaps this is the real school reopening blues...
once again i'm reminded of fruits basket. though i've stopped reading that manga for a long time, certain themes running through the series now is starting to appear in my real life... of course lar wad am i talking, these plots n themes are written based on real life scenarios, of course will happen to pple in real life... =_= but somehow i never thought i would have to face it again -_- oh well, life is like a sine curve... things like to go up and down... like a roller coaster =)
i've stopped thinking that much since i entered jc, especially hcjc... strange isn't it. it was a foolish attempt to stop myself from feeling all kinds of emotions... like nostalgic... sadness... making myself confused cos i can't reach a conclusion... things like that... and so i stopped thinking about a lot of things in my life which i should have paid attention to. like how i treat people around me, what are my core values, which are the things i should define as boundaries... and how to judge when my core values n morals clash, which one should be in higher priority. somehow all these sounds like some alogarithm to solve some problem in computing. -_- i think i'm studying so much until i 走火入魔... lolz~
so yeap, tonite i'm back to thinking about who i had been before i entered jc... i wasn't so easily depressed before... i remembered myself as someone more cheerful, someone who thought of logic over emotions... that's almost a direct contrast to me now... this brings to mind my conversation wif the girls at "dinner" today... the way u clasp both of ur hands together shows whether u're more emotional or more of a logic person... if u clasp ur left hand over ur right hand and find it most comfortable as compared to the other way round, u're more emotional, and vice versa... and i happened to be the "emotional" type... so who is the true me now? i guess if i ask this question to anyone along the streets no one can give u a definite answer that will remain unchanged as times pass by. we probably can't even find the answer when we step into our graves... that's life, it's a journey where we search for answers to our questions...
other things include, whether some of the decisions i made are the "best" for situation... taking a situation from the drama i watched yesterday, female A and female B both loved male A who died in a car crash, and female B was the third party with male A's child in her stomach... female A was upset that male A had another woman outside, but before male A died from the accident, he told her to take care of female B n the baby... and female B happened to be in need of money and hence threatened male A's mum and female A that she'll abort the baby unless they give her a huge sum of money... male A's mum then proceed to attempt to borrow $$$ from female A *but of course who'll be stupid to help her love rival?* so female A called up her friend for advice... friend says, dun give female B money, she'll come back for more... but female A thought abt male A's dying wish and in the end gave female B money and even let the homeless female B move into her house so that she can take care of female B n bring female B to pre natal checks *cos female A's a doctor* and of course female B took advantage of female A's kindness... and the rest of the plot... i dunno yet... lolz~
so... the solution female A took in the end... it's not the "best" solution in my opinion, cos of course B will take advantage of her soft-heartedness... but if u chose not to give her money, and she really went to abort the baby, then how? although in the show, B didn't really want to abort the baby... but in real life, in other similar situations... the outcomes of these two possible solutions are totally different... are u able to handle the individual outcomes? when u made one decision, u think about what if u had done something else? would it make things better?
then again, someone questioned me... if u make a decision cos u don't want anything to happen in the future... that's being unfair cos u're not even sure whether that thing will happen in the future. my argument to that would be... it's better to prevent... though at the cost of the current outcome... but in the long run it would probably be better... so it then boils down to whether u want the current situation to be better over than in the long run or not. so, if u're placed in that situation, what would u prefer? to have pain in the present and be happy in the future? or be happy now and suffer later?
and... sometimes u simply feel helpless as u cannot help others... as the 9pm drama from today says... "if u don't open up, no one can help u"... so... even as friends who care, if u insist u dun wanna open up no one can force open ur heart n to help u... -_-
oh yes... yu chun if u saw this post before i contact u... i'm sorry... i need a favour from u... there's something i need to sort out... lolz~
that's all for now... brain coming to stand still... cannot think... geez... =X
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