Of Smiles and Sunshine

i... totally lost motivation to study.

maybe ever since i entered uni, i lost that driving force.

ever since i totally flunked my circuits exam, strangely i didn't feel super motivated or upset or disappointed. it's like... oh i just flunked my exam. nth else, not even a slight surge of panic while i was doing the paper even though i can't get a single answer. seriously... i thought i'll like... dunno... cry like a baby cos i flunked a paper? or maybe even freak out that i can't do a single question in the paper?

now it feels like i've totally given up on myself on this exams.

come on it's only one paper... i think i did ok for jap... u'll do fine if u start mugging now!

sighz...

been thinking these few days... strangely my thoughts now repeating themselves in my mind is not only in chinese, sometimes japanese pops up in my head as well! omgz am i going crazy just from studying jap?

speaking of jap, i didn't even mug hard last minute... i just like slacked after circuits paper and went for jap paper... but that's cos i forced myself to consistently study for jap.

and the stupid thing was... while writing compo for jap paper, i was fantasizing about holidays and can't wait for it to come...

-_-

let's count down to what other subjects i have left...
1) ee2008 algorithms n data systems
2) mb102 business finance
3) ee2010 signals n systems <--- i'm studying so many different systems >_<
4) ee2006 engineering maths 1

i used to keep telling myself... 没有期望没有失望。yes, though i no longer feel hurt because i'm disappointed in anything, but then, somehow this whole thing seem to backfire. because i no longer have expectations of myself, i no longer have the motivation to move forward. and i had the nerve to question whether it'll be sufficient to keep moving forward. ever since even before i entered uni, it seems i tried to cast myself in a frozen glass cell to prevent my tears from falling again. well i succeeded (i think) but contrary to what i thought, i had just frozen myself in time. how nice. it's exactly the same as my blog layout. what an irony.

too many thoughts running in my head now... thinking about how my other friends are working hard while i'm still stuck in the rut, being stubborn about moving off. nobody wants to get hurt, no one wants to hurt you too. this came from an anime i'm watching now called bokura ga ita. reminds me of loads of things from the past. all memories but yet they still come back to me every now and then.

been thinking how hard it is to open up to people these days. i understand that everyone have their own problems to deal with and stuff... so i act high and mighty and say i don't wanna burden others with my problems. besides harping about the same thing every other day is tiring too, so no point talking about it. i act as though nothing's bothered me at all while my friends come to me at times about their problems. but then it seems as though i've never gotten over the entire thing before. what exactly is betrayal? what does it mean to have totally gotten past something happened in the past? does it mean totally forgetting about the whole incident and live your life as though nothing has happened before? if that's the case i suppose i have never gotten over it. with this i'm refering to an incident in secondary school. sometimes i'm left in awe how people can remember something, some event so vividly that happened so long ago and forget what something that happened a min ago.

maybe that's the main reason why i find it so hard to open up? besides, if you choose to open up to the wrong person, i can't imagine the consequences. for those who really care, i know that nobody wants to get hurt, and no one wants to hurt others; but sadly i've met people who are really out to hurt others. maybe i'll misunderstand some of my friends actions because of that. i don't know. even if, even for just a moment, you were true to me; because of that incident, the way things turned out, i'll probably hate you for the way things turned out. you can do the same to me, i wouldn't flinch or anything.

sighz. maybe it's time to ignite some passion that i once had... for sports, for music, for the things i loved. maybe there's none now, but... at least... lemme trick myself that i love studying... so that i have the motivation to mug dammit!

rawr.