lost

been feeling down since... probably yesterday afternoon... no idea y...

perhaps... it's the realisation that...

i'm lost again.













y am i here? am i here because i want to be? or is it because i had no goal, so i drifted onto this path before me?

just like what junyi was commenting... yah i guess ur right... i probably have no talent to become an engineer... should have taken some other subject shouldn't i... or maybe juz drop out of uni totally and get married and no need to use brain. be some bimbo out there...

no that's not me...

i've got no idea what i'm doing now. i'm not focused on studying... i can't be playing my uni life away spending every single minute of my life when i'm not sleeping on dota servers or on some rpg fantasy... fantasizing how great my life is with those pple who are conceived by humans themselves and do not exist in reality. i'm reliant on pple more than i should be... and somehow i dun understand y i keep sticking to them like some sticky plaster which cannot be flung off. -_- i hate that feeling. i'm independent. i was once independent. but now? what the heck happened to me.
















i'm a girl. no i'm not. no girls like to waste their time on msn the moment they reach home... how many girls u see cheonging game all day long? girls are supposed to play with dolls... be bitchy gossipy and go shopping all day long... or girls can stay at home to learn cooking or stitching or do some other feminine stuff. who am i then? tomboyish? but there are parts of me that are not like a guy at all... like guys like to keep it cool and keep things to themselves... but i'm juz like a hot headed little child who can't keep her own secrets (but can keep others' lolz)

and most importantly.... which insane girl takes engineering. -_-













okok i know now society is more open about this... supposedly... more and more girls taking engineering... so i suppose that's okies... but the old conception of engineering are meant for guys still lingers around... not that i'm saying it's discrimination... perhaps it's true then...

maybe i feel disheartened cos... whenever i got probs with my hw last time i could ask my classmates... they'll help one another... but now? when i got prob with hw... pple juz say... tml tutor will go through... so... we go there tml to copy answer lo... yar ur right... but... i juz have the feeling pple can't be bothered to do their tutorials... pple can't be bothered to help those around them... i dunno y i get this feeling maybe i'm wrong... or so i hope...

then i hear from pple like xiaoli how they help each other in their school work... everybody there's so pumped up about studying that they'll ask each other how to do tutorials before lessons.... stuff liddat...

maybe i shouldn't have drifted here...

or maybe i came here by choice. a rather bad choice i'll admit now...

what the hell have i been doing since i left hc?













u're truly gone from my life... my eagerness... motivation to work hard... the passion to keep things going... everything's gone... and i can't find myself...

someone pls pick me up and set me going again... someone pls tell me what i should do...

someone? so i'll end up depending on others.

i'll probably be the first to admit i'm here because of others.













it's ironical that at the end of my 1 week break... i feel... tireds... and no amount of sleep can make it up anymore... i guess no one can help me... not even you.