Of Smiles and Sunshine

do you have anybody that you hate in your life?

sadly, i guess i have a few. well. a few that i dislike maybe. ok there's one, who betrayed my trust wayyy back in the past, but i guess i've come to consensus with that. i guess i understood why it happened, though i was hurt, but i guess i have already forgiven her. i can't say that when i hear news from her i'll wish her well, but i will be nonchalant and just take in the information...

however, there is one i have absolute strong feelings of disgust. yes, he betrayed my trust too, which was wayyy back in the past too, and i guess i do have a pretty good understanding of why he did it. but whenever i hear news about him, i have this strange strong feelings of anger towards him. sometimes so much to the point i wish i could just make him disappear from my world. or to wish that he's miserable. and the most funny thing is i had absolutely no intention of having such intense feelings of hatred. i wonder why. i would so much prefer to be nonchalant like the previous case...

how can we resolve such feelings of... hate? what is hate?

they say there is only a fine line between love and hatred. i guess it's true to some extent, they are both strong emotions felt with respect to some object or person in general. however, they are emotions from two extremities, and it amazes me how people can switch from one extreme to the other in a short period of time. take for example my relationship with durians. when i was very young (in my secondary school days) i loved durians, i would enjoy eating them with my family almost every weekend! yet, after eating something i loved so frequently, i got really sick of them, and since my jc days, whenever people offer me durian i would turn them down. well even right now, i can't get over my withdrawl from durian though i have not touched it for 6 years... (and there's a durian sitting in my house waiting for me to eat it up...)

well there's one really interesting example. take my relationship with my mum. i would never say i adore her. but there are times i really do hate her. which is really funny cos one moment i chat with her like she's my close friend and the other moment i'll want to scream her down the road and not want to have any relations with her at all. and sometimes i'll be indifferent to what happens to her too.

this being said though, i do not enjoy such feelings of hatred. i hate it when i get upset because of such feelings towards someone that results in me acting in ways i ususally don't. as such i wish to seek reconcilation, but i have no idea how to do that.

they say time heals all wounds too and feelings fade with time. however 6 years... of my durian relationship and i could not resolve it. 5 years with that particular person i hate, and those feelings are still strong. erms... 23 years with my mum and... ok i still have very bad mood swing when she's around. opps. i really don't mean it, but definitely it seems in these cases feelings do not fade with time. haha~