after bottling up for such a long time, the time bomb has finally exploded.

time bomb exploded last night at around 12midnight. reason: bomb was aggravated by a certain trigger which was rather unpleasant.

however, this might not be too bad an incident. the glass surrounding the bomb shattered, destroying the walls surrounding it. yet the debris left behind was quite a deal to handle.



was glad to have chatted with a few people last night... supposed to have been studying though, but hey who cares! *especially after flunking the great-o-certain-paper* so...haha... i'll mug later. later =)

thinking about the things i wana do during the break... i think i really need to get out somewhere, but it seems that the thailand trip's a little too expensive, and i don't know if the details have been finalised yet... eeks =X i hope they don't finalise things too quickly though =X

today i'm officially jobless. no more tuition to haunt me n stuff, but hey i wish my student koh yu all da best for her fmaths exam tml... opps forgot to wish yiwei good luck for her maths paper last week lol... but hmmms... dunno whether i'll miss chatting with them while tutoring them... and of course i'll miss the monthly small increase in my funds... but hey! ahems. well haha~

well shall continue to strive and find my motivation. to hell to those that made me upset. dammit, damn u. u're not worth a single drop of tear.

why does it still hurt now?

i... totally lost motivation to study.

maybe ever since i entered uni, i lost that driving force.

ever since i totally flunked my circuits exam, strangely i didn't feel super motivated or upset or disappointed. it's like... oh i just flunked my exam. nth else, not even a slight surge of panic while i was doing the paper even though i can't get a single answer. seriously... i thought i'll like... dunno... cry like a baby cos i flunked a paper? or maybe even freak out that i can't do a single question in the paper?

now it feels like i've totally given up on myself on this exams.

come on it's only one paper... i think i did ok for jap... u'll do fine if u start mugging now!

sighz...

been thinking these few days... strangely my thoughts now repeating themselves in my mind is not only in chinese, sometimes japanese pops up in my head as well! omgz am i going crazy just from studying jap?

speaking of jap, i didn't even mug hard last minute... i just like slacked after circuits paper and went for jap paper... but that's cos i forced myself to consistently study for jap.

and the stupid thing was... while writing compo for jap paper, i was fantasizing about holidays and can't wait for it to come...

-_-

let's count down to what other subjects i have left...
1) ee2008 algorithms n data systems
2) mb102 business finance
3) ee2010 signals n systems <--- i'm studying so many different systems >_<
4) ee2006 engineering maths 1

i used to keep telling myself... 没有期望没有失望。yes, though i no longer feel hurt because i'm disappointed in anything, but then, somehow this whole thing seem to backfire. because i no longer have expectations of myself, i no longer have the motivation to move forward. and i had the nerve to question whether it'll be sufficient to keep moving forward. ever since even before i entered uni, it seems i tried to cast myself in a frozen glass cell to prevent my tears from falling again. well i succeeded (i think) but contrary to what i thought, i had just frozen myself in time. how nice. it's exactly the same as my blog layout. what an irony.

too many thoughts running in my head now... thinking about how my other friends are working hard while i'm still stuck in the rut, being stubborn about moving off. nobody wants to get hurt, no one wants to hurt you too. this came from an anime i'm watching now called bokura ga ita. reminds me of loads of things from the past. all memories but yet they still come back to me every now and then.

been thinking how hard it is to open up to people these days. i understand that everyone have their own problems to deal with and stuff... so i act high and mighty and say i don't wanna burden others with my problems. besides harping about the same thing every other day is tiring too, so no point talking about it. i act as though nothing's bothered me at all while my friends come to me at times about their problems. but then it seems as though i've never gotten over the entire thing before. what exactly is betrayal? what does it mean to have totally gotten past something happened in the past? does it mean totally forgetting about the whole incident and live your life as though nothing has happened before? if that's the case i suppose i have never gotten over it. with this i'm refering to an incident in secondary school. sometimes i'm left in awe how people can remember something, some event so vividly that happened so long ago and forget what something that happened a min ago.

maybe that's the main reason why i find it so hard to open up? besides, if you choose to open up to the wrong person, i can't imagine the consequences. for those who really care, i know that nobody wants to get hurt, and no one wants to hurt others; but sadly i've met people who are really out to hurt others. maybe i'll misunderstand some of my friends actions because of that. i don't know. even if, even for just a moment, you were true to me; because of that incident, the way things turned out, i'll probably hate you for the way things turned out. you can do the same to me, i wouldn't flinch or anything.

sighz. maybe it's time to ignite some passion that i once had... for sports, for music, for the things i loved. maybe there's none now, but... at least... lemme trick myself that i love studying... so that i have the motivation to mug dammit!

rawr.

ok... wish me luck for tml!

and pray that i wouldn't die in a too ugly fashion...

oh god pls prepare a coffin for me! white wooden one plz...

好久没回到这里。

不知道为何今天又一股冲动回到此地。哈哈为什么我前面那句话听起来那么奇怪？好像要写什么深奥的作文似的。

明明有那么多东西要管，下个礼拜的大考都还没有着落。这次肯定万蛋的。但偏偏，不知为何。。。

往事无端端地在脑里出现。

是对过去的思念，还是只因压力太大，每当压力大的时候就会回想那些美好回忆？

我变了。我不像你们任何一个人所想象的那样。

我也跟两年前的我截然不同。

有太多东西明明不是我。却也不知不觉地变成了我。

感觉简直像个谜。

不愿意再次承认孤单。因为这样的话，就无法继续前进。

我要不断的往前走。就像当初心里理想的女强人一样。不要靠任何人的力量，勇敢的凭着自己的力量在这世上立足。我也不曾忘却这是件多么孤单的一件事。

人心是那么脆弱，却也那么善变。

我不明白为什么那么久以前的事会突然出现在面前。也完全无法了解其中的原因。我不是以前的我。我不像回到过去的我。虽然单纯愚蠢的我是那么的快乐，但到头来始终还是回到了原点。

我 不想再受伤害。这把自卫的声音比任何其他不像伤害其他人的声音来的强烈。身上长着刺猬的感觉是那么痛快却无奈。痛快并不是因伤害别人，而是因为自己知道 不会再受到伤害。就像是坐在一个玻璃房间一样，看得到世间上的是是非非，看得到别人欢喜流泪，那些感受却从不属于自己。不用担心明天是否会挨饿，或者天灾会 突然降临。这是因为生活得太过富裕，还是对世上的事物都感到厌烦呢？

明明远远抛在后头的回忆，为何又会再次回到脑海里呢？

请在离我远一点吧。直到我能够更爱自己，并学习如何爱他人。直到回忆不再让隐性泪水滑落，直到我能忘记什么叫做背叛与伤痛。

argh.

tagboard sux. rawr.

quoted from junyi's blog : "They say the more you look for something, the harder you will find it. And the more you hope to see someone, the lower the chance you will get to see him/her."

i can't help but to agree. probably despite having half of the world disagreeing with me n junyi.

well, if u never had expectations, u'll never know disappointment.



and the thing about one sided stuff... if u believe and understand that it'll stay as being one sided, why persist in doing it? it's tiring and u probably wouldn't reap any reward for it, so why? u'll save yourself all the trouble if u stop.



humans are full of contradictions.

ever heard of the theory? for every thing that happens, something would be taken in exchange. the principal of equivalent trade.

this means. for every single moment of happiness u get, u'll get a equivalent, if not, 10 times the sadness as compared to the moment of happiness u got.

that's y, never seek happiness, for u never know when ur luck will run out and suffer in sadness for the rest of your life.

i forgot that momentarily.

thanks for reminding me again.

i have enough of chain mails.

they usually put at the end of the mail... send it to xxx number of people, or else the wish will never come true, you will never find true happiness blah blah blah.

so what if that really happens?

life still goes on whether u're happy or not.

and on the other hand... there's a group of people that are unwilling to accept the responsibilities and the price to pay for being happy.

so this meaningless threat is nothing in their eyes in the first case.

how boring.

够了。

我不是你的天使。

不愿再回忆旧伤痛，也不愿再让人触碰曾经受伤的心灵。

请你们都离我远一点吧。在我还没伤害你们之前。。。






我一直站在被你伤害的地方
歌手：辛欣 | 专辑：放120个心 | 词:许常德 | 曲:林东松

sally哭着说
他不再忍受
象一个影子擦掉自我
他不愿强夺别人的所有
但是爱人逼他犯错
感情在深陷时堕落
伤了人还不罢手直到自己碰到伤口
才懂无情的人对谁都一样的残忍懦弱

judy也放过爱他的malon
当他已决定去爱别人
没有了阴霾幸福很简单
但却拥抱一个心房
三个女人午夜交谈
有人会坚强情断
有人停止伤害对方
悲惨故事太平常
只是有人心聋目盲
不愿意收场

我一直站在被你伤害的地方
你一直留在让我哭泣的远方
爱一直停在你曾爱我的那晚
你曾经对我那么好

你说你爱我到老
现在我还忘不掉
什么天荒地老
不到最后不能知道

sheesh... since i'm going to take the japanese exam this year... y don't i try to write something in the pathetic japanese that i know...

私 はホーです。ナンヤン理工大学の学生です。専攻は電子電気工学です。今年の宿題はむずかしいですから、少し分かりません。それから、私も日本語を勉強し ます。日本語はおもしろいです。でも私は上手ではありません。沢山新しい言葉を覚えますから、とても大変です。私は日本語が大好きですから、がんばる よ。

haha pls correct my lousy grammer for those who understand japanese... XD

我什么都不是。所以从头到尾都不应该抱有任何期待。

单单努力也未必有成果，既然如此，为何要为那遥远又抓不到的目标努力？不如就此放弃，这样一来失望的时候也不会那么痛苦。

或许是我一时间太过勇敢了吧，竟然会妄想，以为自己比别人好。现在好了啦，算是自己活该吧。

看来，单单一直往前走，不回头看，还是不够的。

i wonder... if it is simply sufficient to keep moving forward.

前お向いてれば また会えますか ~passion~

they say diarrhoea can help one slim down...

i hope i lose at least 2 kg lol...

stop procrastinating.

currently now... should i say i'm damn stressed? exams coming, tuitees double exam fall on my exams as well, not feeling like turning up in school... jlpt... shet. i think i'm procrastinating and it doesn't help things but still... urgh. and my stomach hurts now... ='(

someone pls save me...

sometimes i wonder... whether it's easier to save others, or is it easier to save yourself...

i think the hardest thing on earth is to save yourself.

bandages

injured fingers

i wonder what these really mean...

someday... your darkest dreams shall ruin you...

so much for stealth, i thought silently. a hand grabbed my arm from behind. i span around, only to realise that it was only her.

she looked into my eyes, determined to bring me to her fiancee. i shoke off her grip defiantly. she hesitated, then said resigned tone, "well, i can always pretend i never found you."

i gratefully turned my back towards her, and headed for the exit. i opened the door, which was the only way out of the hotel room we were both in, and headed into the corridor. upon hearing footsteps, i dived into the nearest place i could hide -- through an unlocked door, into a small passageway half hidden along the corridor.

i could hear the movement of gears in the background. the place was dimly lit, for it did not even require the presence of light in the first place. a small carriage of baggage transported by the cable above me and it almost ran over me. i looked around for a possible exit out of this maze i had unwittingly entered...

why am i running away? from the girl, my best friend... the one who is most important to me... from that fiancee. that horrible man who took my most important person from me. well, i'm well aware that i have to let her go someday anyway, just that this man... the thought of him made my blood boil.

i figured my way along the corridor, trying to feel my way around with my hands. suddenly, faintly i saw another figure ahead of me looking shocked that i was too, in the same tunnel as she is.

"what? u're trapped here too?"

strange as it is, she became my new companion. our only goal was to escape from this maze of baggage.

today is the day. the day my dearest friend was to be officially engaged with that man. i can safely say that both me and her fiancee were well aware of each other's hostility, and unfortunately, i do not have the power and wealth like her fiancee. so i had no choice but to slide silently into the shadows, silently guarding my best friend, trying to hide my feelings towards her.

me and my new companion found something that looked like an exit : a strange looking slide with a golden rod above the slide. my companion took the slide first, i followed, only to realise i was somehow stuck at the top of the slide. must be my huge butt -- despite people claiming huge butts means easy delivery or what crap. or it's the work of some superglue... nevertherless it was most likely my only means of escape. i tried to haul my butt to get myself some momentum, but to no avail.

"hurry, you don't have much time..." at this time, i felt someone right behind me, giving me a slight push. i was sure that there was no one behind me... but i didn't have time to wonder if the one behind me was a human or a ghost or anything else. down the slide i went, but i only found myself in another dimly lit room, leading to a flight of stairs down to the bottom of the hotel building.

i knew time was running out. i had to stop their engagement! both me and my companion ran down the stairs, and i started formulating my plan of "sabotage". i knew my best friend would probably hate me for this, but at the very least, i should let my feelings reach her. yet the only obstacle would be that fiancee of hers. with his power he would probably have sealed all the exits of the hotel building to catch me. i have to take another route then... if i ever get caught it might be the end of everything.

without letting my companion realise anything, i went through the door next to the stairs i saw on my way down, into another corridor. if my memory didn't fail me, the hotel building and the neighbouring building are inter-connected by a series of passageways. i smiled to myself, thinking that victory would be mine. i came to the end of the corridor, and went down to the bottom of the stairs at the end of the corridor. just as i opened the door to the lobby of the building, i heard more footsteps.

darn. it must be the security guard. i hid behind the shadows of the reception counter, and the guard didn't seem to notice me. great. as he turned out of sight, i ran towards the exit of the building...

at this instance, the shutters of the exit dropped down suddenly. i couldn't make it through the exit in time. i am trapped.

then i heard footsteps behind me. "good job," the voice i had loathed so much, praised the security guard's work. i turned around and glared at the man i hated most in my entire life, with my best friend by his side.

he sneered, "i knew you would not fall into our hands so easily in the hotel we were in. so i guessed u would take the hidden passageway into this building, that's why i told the guard here to seal all exits as well. hahaha... any last words you have to say?"

my best friend tried to protest, but he stopped her. "no, from now onwards u don't need a friend like her."

i gritted my teeth, furious at that careless comment he made. "no. that's not for you to decide." i grabbed my friend's hand, and ran for the series of maze again. when i've gone deep enough into that baggage maze, and sure that we would not be pursued, i turned to my best friend. she was gasping for breath, but a little amused at what happened.

after catching my breath, i tried to steady myself before my confession. "actually... i don't want you to get married to him."

"i know... it's pretty obvious." she half giggled.

i smiled, for the first time in a few months.

i continued, "actually, there's something i want to tell you."

"what is it?"

"i know... you might hate me for this... but... actually... i like you..."

"yeah... i like you too."

"no no... not that kind of friendship like... it's... different."

she looked a littled stunned. a period of awkward silence followed.

i tried to break that silence. "i... just wanted to let u know that... that's all. u can go back and get married to him..."

".... no... it's not like that... actually... i'm also hesitating as to whether i really want to get married to him..."

i raised an eyebrow. i thought she liked him so much, then why the hesitation?

she replied as if she understood my thoughts. "i knew i wasn't perfect enough for him. i'm scared... that he'll shun away from me once he knew what kind of person i really am after our marriage..."

she paused, then continued, "but for you it's different... i guess..."

i smiled at that. "nah, u're an angel to me, why would he shun away from you?"

she fidgeted and said in a squeaky voice... "actually i'm not an angel... i'm ugly..."

"no u're not. don't worry..."

"no u don't understand... i..."

she ripped open the top of her blouse and...

all i see is a thick forest of chest hair.

WHAT? HAIR ON A GIRL'S CHEST?!

essentially that was the dream i had yesterday. wonders. so i'm a lesbian? LOL. and dreams. are. weird. -_-

sorry for the weird english phrasing and lack of punctuation and grammer. oh well, who cares.

people say... love is like a fatal poison, slowly eating and killing one day by day...

i say... time is a even more fatal one, slowly killing us each second...