Chingay! XD

the past 2 days was quite a fun experience! been helping out at the chingay parade as crowd control *though it turns out that we didn't really do much imo haha* watching the parade live and unobstructed is just... shiok... hehex... the only downside to this is... the irritating photographers who chiong out of their designated places on day 1... and the dancers who just refused to move their butts as though they don't understand english on day 1 as well... the actual parade was actually ok... i suppose...

the real fun starts after the parade... though we're supposed to help out at the floats area, but since there's too many people to help out with the floats thingy, me my sis and jenny decided to have some fun taking pictures with the cosplay people who walked with the president float earlier... since multiply's currently down, i'll post some of the better pictures here... *can't really expect much with my lousy phone camera lol*

having fun with the gundams?

omg mummy! i took a picture with naruto!

isn't that vincent valentine? where's his coffin?

why does the gundam look so sad?

hey we know how to ride these things okay?... just kidding haha...

omg i never wanna make her angry...

hahaha~ arean't my photo taking skills great? this is the front of one of the floats XD

well, there are more photos taken during the crazy post parade, but they're quite blur so i'll post them on multiply instead... after their service is up again =( more photos with gintama and other cosplayers... and with two kawaii korean military band members... strangely they understood english! another short dampening incident that happened earlier during the post parade was when i tried to ask some of those japanese "cosplay" people to take picture with me... they shun away from me! made me so sad and no longer high... but on after thought, i think maybe they're not the cosplayers, but just happened to dress in those kind of gothic clothing... so yeaps.

some of the things that came to my mind during this event was... temper control. especially when it comes to dealling with those idiots who simply refused to listen to you, or those who think others have to serve them cos their heads are bigger or something. well the thought of it still makes me fume a little lolx, so i suppose i have to do better at temper control. well, maybe it means i lack interacting with other fellow human beings *why do i sound a little like sunako?* at least i feel, if i were doing this when i was in jc or sec school i wouldn't feel the same way as i feel during the parade or after the parade. maybe i was humbler then? haha so... gotta learn how to tactfully deal with whatever situation that happens next time...

though there are ups and downs to this entire 2 days of chingay, i hope next year i can do it again... haha~ but i guess probably not, since i'm here this time to help my friend... if they're not helping to organise this again next year... i'll be stuck at home with my tv to catch chingay again... or maybe i can help them build their float if they're taking part in performing in the parade... wahaha *continues to daydream...*... ... ...

候鸟的忧伤，神枪手的调皮
恋人未满的羞涩，痛快的呐喊

我爱你，S.H.E!!!

i have a new dream, that is...

to sing with a live band, or to sing and perform in a harmonising group or something...

which will never be realised in real life bwahahahahaha. hey that's what dreams are for, right? =)

seriously... the lack of sleep must be getting to me...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

happy happy chinese new year! it's a little late for this mega greeting *it's 初四 btw lolx* been busy sleeping eating watching dvd tv blah blah blah... n trying to catch up on tutorials... the latter attempt turned out to be quite a failure regretfully... hehex

went manga/dvd/cd crazy with my small fortune from the chinese new year... went to buy some manga and S.H.E's concert dvd... very impressed with their performance... they're really the 天团... 1337! they're not my idols for nothing k... but watching that dvd really made me wish i'm rich to buy the tickets to watch their concert live... sighz...

been thinking about a few issues these day... read the 5:1 ratio theory on a magazine the other day...

the 5:1 ratio -- you need 5 good memories to make you forget 1 bad memory...

i thought i could let go of some of the "bad" stuff i've met in the past... but turns out i'm kinda wrong... guess i don't have enough good memories yet to erase the bad ones? or maybe i'm just too cynical about our imperfect world...

sometimes i wish i'm just my old self before all the wonderful illusions of my perfect world collapsed against reality...

the hardest thing for one to learn is to trust someone totally.

below is a song i heard a long time ago but thought nothing of it... when i listened to it again yesterday, i realise how nice and meaningful the song lyrics is... enjoy!

Belief

歌手:S.H.E
作詞：施人誠
作曲：左安安

我知道每陣風 吹著吹著就停息
也知道每朵雲 飄著飄著就散去
But I believe, but I believe
因為我們 我們有愛情

我相信我和你 一定會有結局
任時光再侵襲 擁抱一樣堅定
這世界有太多 會消逝的美麗
但你是你 so I believe
(但你是你 所以我相信 so I believe)

就像是每條河 總會流到海裡去
你知道我的心 也只願意奔向你
我說愛你 就是愛你
這是真理 永遠別懷疑

真心會給人力氣 穿越過所有距離
帶領我們走進永遠裡 Ah~ ~ Ah~~ Ah~~

aching back. test tml. haven't studied yet. but still...

i must confess.

i had a weird dream this morning.

i dreamt i was somehow trying to snuggle on a bed... strangely with one of my guy friends who was already on the bed. *gasps* <-- strangely this reminded me of the 花样少年少女 plot wahaha... then i ask... can i sleep there? the guy said yes... next... he lied beside me with his shoulders close to mine, so i tried to turn my back on him so that i wun disturb his sleep... then he whispered into my ear in a deep voice... "why don't you love me?"

then i woke up.

problem is : it was so damn real that it's scary. and... it so happened that when i woke up it's valentine's day. lmao.

ok end of confession. back to the damned ee2002 notes. rawr.

why does it feel as though i just screwed up my life?

sighz. things that never get done, somehow things seem to go wrong... or totally different from the way i imagined them.

sighz.

i want my clone. -_-

how many times have i repeated this over the past few weeks. oh wait. only 4 weeks have passed, but it felt as though it was 4 years. met pansy this afternoon and we came to the same conclusion lolx.

tireds and a little frustrated with myself. my lack of time management is really getting to me. plus my lack of sleep... sighz. and the lack of money hahaha~ i'm ultra broke now ='( and i just realised i forgot to draw money today! shets. now i'm poor sleepy n... sadeds... =(

there was something that i wanted to talk about... but i can't find the words to express them. how pathetic my language skills are...

i will not commit the same mistake again.
有种的话，就不要让我再爱上你。
been a little out of my way these days... don't know why, but i kinda liked writing lyrics haha~ lousy ones though... a few of them are drafts in my blog, cos i'm not satisfied with them... so it's left to editing editing and further editing until i'm happy with them and i might post them around sometime... haha~ and i wonder when that'll be, considering how little time i have to sit down n mull over this kind of things...

sometimes i wonder if i give people the wrong impression. oh wait. i do. lolx... and i can't decide whether i wanna clear things up or stuff... sometimes it's just me thinking too much i suppose... ok let's take it that i'm always thinking too much... haha life's much easier if that's the case...

i wish that i can just focus on the things i see and stop thinking so much sometimes. it's quite a bother at times... and my imagination can actually be quite wild... some areas are better off left unexplored... haha~

loads of things waiting to be cleared : two tutorials for tomorrow, my lab report, typing email to prof for project, catching up 4 tutorials worth of material for the quiz next week plus my other 4 tutorials that i lagged*besides the 4 tutorials mentioned earlier* plus catching up on sleep and finding time to watch tv XD sighz. end of the day, i just wish for another clone. oh god. can't u just grant a simple wish of mine? *er not exactly simple but who cares lol*

stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stressed!!!

wow. even typing that line makes me feel stressed.

waking up this morning, only to feel stressed up instead of feeling refreshed. try waking up next day when u have lagged your tutorials for two core subjects which one of the lecturers go through only 3 slides from the whole chapter of lecture notes, and tell u to go home and read your own textbook when the textbook doesn't even help u in solving tutorial questions. and you have no idea whether you can cope the other subject cos u're lagging so badly. plus the elective which you physically attend the lecture, but ur soul is floating somewhere else besides inside the lt...

makes me wonder if i just did something stupid to kill myself in the semester again. sighz.

on a side note, i just realised a few days ago that i have 8 papers in comparison to others' 6 papers in the coming exam. wow i feel like... holy shit. -_-

and oh yes, i have a lab report due in 2 weeks time. remember that. -_-

i dreamt of gates this morning. not logic gates, you electronics freak. it looked like gates from the mrt station, except they're extremely narrow... for kids from a few months to 1-5 years old -_- i can't remember why i was trying to get past them... but i can't squeeze through all of them *duhhz*... except finally before i woke up, i managed to squeeze through the 1-5 year old gate. i wonder if it's a bad omen of me not able to get past my exams n stuff... haiz...

sighz. thinking about this whole thing from another perspective, it's just all misplanning of my time. i wanted to do tutorial yesterday night after school, but i ended up watching youtube all the way until my head hits the bed. when i wanted to do my tutorial i just felt like sleeping *well my "study table" is next to my bed wahahaha* maybe i should force myself to study out like i did last time... but it's hard to find that self motivation... i felt like i lost it totally already... damn demoralised... especially with that lecturer who dumped us the whole chapter of notes to self study... i wanna relax a little but i feel so damn tensed up now that it's irritating me. =X

so many things i wanna do, so little time. sighz. i just want my clone.

resolution resolution resolution.

ok. this mini new year resolution is a little late, but...

i promise i shan't watch youtube till 1+am when i have school at 830 the next day.

and sometimes... maybe i just think too much. to the extent of getting a headache over nothing. that feeling sux.

had been talking to my lecture/tutorial mate to pass time during our break *cos he had a 1hr break while i had 2hr break ='(* don't know why... it seems like i haven't really talked to someone besides my close friends at such length for such a long time... quite a lot of things came to my mind...

how do we judge people's personalities? do we judge by how things look to us? some actions taken can be interpreted in so many different ways, so how do we know whether our perceptions are the "true" meaning behind that person's actions?

sometimes people fall in love at first sight... why? is it just physical attraction? if that's the case, can it be considered as true love? wait what's true love in the first place lolx...

what does the idea of being kind mean? does it mean donating to charity, or going way out to help people? what if when someone donates to charity, he/she is just doing it to look good infront of others? or maybe he/she donates to that charity cos of personal reasons? *like family/relative is under that particular charity organisation* is that still considered as "kindness"? same thing goes to going way out to help people... maybe the one doing that has some hidden motive or feels guilty cos of something he did before?

i suppose we generalise too much... we frame the idea of a certain action as a gesture of kindness... what exactly is kindness? is it the act or the thought behind it?

take for example, our mom... every mother in the world *i generalise* wants their child to become good adults... our mum screams at our poor results and our bad habits and so on... so is that just being picky or mean? what about the "kindness" behind the action?

bottom line : things aren't what it seems. don't go about making a conclusion on your own just based on the things you see, for your eyes can deceive you...

omgs why do i seem to like typing about this kind of "philosophical" stuff when i'm having breaks in school these days? rawr. just lemme end school already.

i wanted to blog about this yesterday, but i lost the feel for it...

happiness is... munching on a steaming meatbun on a cold rainy day, and to be sitting next to a bunch of friends just doing nothing...

yes! finally the big move from old blogger to the new blogger!

time check : 1:27am on a sunday morning. what am i doing here? dazing with a mild headache most likely from the alcohol intake earlier. despite the supposedly "drowsy" effect one gets from excess alcohol which i should have now, after bathing and water-parading, i feel as though i just woke up. *well i did... i woke up from being seh~*

been thinking about this whole idea for the past week. yes it's damn clique, my sis has blogged about it a long time ago, and i think the entry below will probably sound like some gp essay, but heck i'm going to voice my thoughts on my blog. it's mine. don't read it if u dun like. rawr! <-- effects of alcohol still evidents lol~

what is beauty? is it something that is colourful, or something that abides to the golden ratio? is beauty something about one's looks? when we see someone across the street, we start making some mental impressions like... oh that girl's so beautiful! or.. omgs that guy just looks ugly with that set of clothing. do we ever think a little deeper to ourselves whenever we make such opinions about others, that we can't judge beauty just by looks?

society has formed us in such a way that we follow the notions of beauty our community has formed with the "help" of media... like for example, a while ago girls are so crazy over guys with single eye lids cos it's supposed to mean the guy is cute. or a egg-shaped face is supposed to mean one's chio... or even, as stereotyped by many, a girl with big eyes is pretty. however, is someone without these traits ugly?

sadly, people these days, especially those who have grown up and have lesser and lesser time to interact with others, have to resort to judging one's beauty just by looks. we no longer have the time and effort to display our "inner" beauty or even "inner" ugliness if we have the outer looks to others, because we're all in a rush for time, with no time to explain ourselves.

even if we decide to abandon the guidelines set aside by the society to perceive beauty, how can we decide whether one has inner beauty? must that person abide to some specific characteristic? like to be kind and giving, gentle? or those that always put others before themselves?

i'm really drawn to the latest manga i'm crazy over... it talks about the idea of beauty and the ugly side of it. there's always two sides to the coin -- no matter how beautiful something is, there's something ugly about it... nothing's perfect in the world... this is probably what it means...

i'm really touched by something i saw today -- at my friend's birthday celebration, her crush gave her flowers and sort of "confessed" his feelings to her... a beautiful start of a new relationship on a rainy night on her birthday... it was so sweet and beautiful that i almost wanted to cry. but *i'm just being pessimistic, i'm so sorry amelia* i thought about how something sweet and beautiful will have ugly side to it... like... *i'm so sorry i'm so sorry! i'm not cursing u or anything!* a relationship is always beautiful when u start out, but once u go further things might get ugly....

so what exactly is beauty? i don't know the answer to that, i only know what's ugly. like selfishness. wilfulness. rotten food, cockroaches, lizards, moths... etc. i never like ugly things. like myself. all i can see of myself are my imperfections. i'm ugly. i know no one's perfect in the world, but strangely i can see and admire others' strength in character despite their imperfections, but not for me at all. i hate myself to the core... if not for those who care about me or my parents who gave me my body, i'll probably not be in this world or have started cutting myself or something. but i'm still alive. and i don't know why haha.

my ugliness is probably my lack of confidence. and my inability to try to discover whatever strengths i might have. being unable to shine, unable to seek happiness? what's happiness in the first place? is it simply a hot drink on a cold day? or being able to soak in the pool or to eat ice-cream on a hot day? i tend to forget this small kind of happiness really easily... and i kinda hate myself for that.

is eternity considered as beauty? i used to think that eternal love is... but then i realised that never existed. so is beauty all a pointless chase over something inexistent in our world? they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. for something that one can neither see nor touch, is it still beautiful? if something non-existent can't be considered as beautiful, then are the changes that destroyed eternity beautiful? even for something eternal, sometimes it can't be beautiful... like if we only have eternal nights, would we be able to appreciate its beauty without comparing it to the beauty/ugliness of day?

i suppose beauty is all subjective. so is every other abstract idea in the world probably. we always need to have something to compare with another to determine how beautiful something is.

a strange thought just popped up in my mind -- could it be that when comparing one's looks, we consider something that we don't have as beautiful cos we can never obtain it? like for girls with small eyes, they'll think others with big eyes are beautiful. someone else's possessions are beautiful because we don't own them. haha now things are starting to make a little more sense to me...

wow this brings me to other thoughts about other issues : the issue of greediness. we're never satisfied with what we have -- like young kids who always complain to their mums about whichever toy their friends have but they do not own, how we're unable to immerse in the small little happiness we have from our daily lives and envy how enriching and beautiful other people's lives are... well long way to go down that path, so i shall stop here for now...

just another 2 days to school reopening! after much complaints, nagging and so on, i finally decide to sit down and tidy up my study tables on a nice sunny saturday afternoon where people are supposed to go out and play. why! tell me why!

anyway, here's how terrible my table looks *that's y i had to clear it up today =(* presenting to you... my study/laptop table! *btw, it's near my living room...*

how does that look to you? if you think it's still ok... wait till u see my second study table! *or rather, coffee table that's in my room...*

err.... apologies to the poor photo taking skills... somehow no matter how i take the picture it'll always turn out bad. cos of the lighting of the room... no windows opened, curtains closed, never turn on lights... yar u get the idea... all sort of stuffs on my coffee table that's right next to my bed : 花ざかりの君たちへ manga, 花样少年少女 OST, erms... lyrics book from 梁静茹's latest album.... er the black thing is my laptop cover, blue octopus is my... erms... the thing to hit my back when it aches... yeap... my post it pad, handiplast, calculators... and well... a roll of toilet paper... too poor to buy a box of tissues lmao! the things under my table are all my notes n files... and i've already done a bit of packing of it already... else it'll look even worse...

while packing... some interesting discoveries...

er... sorry for the lousy lighting... this was my diary... i mean it still is, but i no longer write in it... it used to record my memories of my previous relationship, so when i re-read this again somehow the painful memories came back, but then i'm okies... i think i'll have cried if this happened a year ago but hey, i'm stronger now XD

and yes! i found my s.h.e file! free promotion gift from their forever album, it's so nice that up till now i still dun bear to use it hehex... er the file looks nicer than the picture due to my lack of photo shooting skills... hehex~

and..... *drum rolls* after 4 hours of packing *are u serious?*... this is how the end result looks like...

erms.... though u probably can't tell much of a difference between the before and after for the lower compartment of my coffee table... but hey! at least things look neater... though some other parts of the room looks messier... hehex~ but oh well i don't care already, i've done my part so my mum can't nag at me again! bwahahahaha~

3rd january! start of the new year! *well not exactly the real start, but somewhere around there*

and what am i doing here at 9:10am which is supposed to be my sleeping time now? camping for my subject registration. -_-

some things to make my sleepy brain jerk awake... school starts in another 5 days time... things yet to be done : pack my table(s), start looking for new tuition deals blah blah blah. and yes! i haven't set my new year's resolutions! and here it goes.... the countdown to my new year resolutions!

1. lose some weight! *er notice the keyword here is some*

2. improve on my results! *being on the border of 4.5 is making me extremely nervous...*

3. get a job with good pay! i'm poor poor poor...

4. after getting a job, i must save! *yar i spend money like flowing water =(*

5. improve on time management! *my last year was... hectic. -_-*

6. to revert back to my old self =)

7. to seek inner peace *which i think i've acheived last year but i'll put it here again =)*

yeap... er... 7 here... not a lot not too little either... the first 5 are more realistic and can be accomplished... but the last 2... er... i have no idea how to reach this kind of goal... hehex... will take my time to settle down... and try to be more cheerful. hopes for 2007 : WORLD PEACE! my foot. i was jokings lol... hope that my friends wherever they are will be happy, and of course i hope i'll be happy too lol~ time to seek happiness! but not at the expense of others and my responsibilities as well lol...

er... i said i'll be changing my blog layout... but sadly i lack the "resources" to do that lol... i wanted to draw something for the new layout, but haven't set out to do so yet *even though it's an extremely simple one* cos i can't decide to draw on paper and scan in, or to draw straight on the computer or something... i think the latter is better but i don't have the kind of pen to do that... in other words. i'm lazy and trying to look for excuse. lol! school term approaching means not much time left to accomplish the little goal i set for myself last year... so... ahems.

and my anime blog! i hope i can plan my time properly so that i can properly blog the good stuff i watch weekly... though it seems to me that the fansubs are a little irregular in their release of subbed episodes, but hey! i'm not complaining... trying to slack while there are no releases lol... goal for anime blog : try to get more hits from other pple lol... *starts refreshing anime blog browser like crazy*

to all readers out there! have a great year ahead and may all ur dreams n wishes for 2007 come true~!

merry merry christmas n a happy happy new year! wooo~~~ *opens party poppers!*

been looking through my past blog entries... it seems like i'm extremely fond of blogging late at night *since i usually take a darn long time to type out a single entry* so now i'll be a little special and blog at 12 noon lol! what nonsense...

going to be a lightbulb in another 2 hrs time haha... loads of thoughts in my mind now... random stuff mostly... like will i be able to get all the christmas prezzies in time? will things get awkward later? i wanna eat ice cream *LOL!* i like the j pop i'm listening to now... mostly anime songs... i wish the weather will stay cool like this now... feels a little hungry. omg these are really random thoughts! ok not so random stuff... how to move this blog to the new blogger... how to design a new blog layout before school reopens... rawr.

just got myself addicted to the new taiwan series 花样少年少女, adapted from the japanese manga series 花ざかりの君たちへ... this was the series that made me spend 100+ bucks the other day... and now i'm going crazy over the show plus the OST... darn nice! now waiting for tml afternoon which is when the next episode will be uploaded onto youtube... for once i rejoiced over the great invention *erms not really* of youtube! cheers to whoever who started that site!

ok enough crap... time to go out and act bright. XD

now that i'm sober... lemme recount what really happened yesterday...

out to celebrate weixiang's birthday... went out in the morning for gift hunting, got dragged to watch weixiang n co. waveboard... it's actually quite fun! too bad i didn't bring an extra set of clothes and i'm broke from buying 100+ bucks of manga the day before lol! then we were super duper late for the birthday celebrations at wala wala... pansy went off early to meet her bf and returned with her bf to eat mudpie at holland v. loads of thoughts running in my head that i thought it's good to get high and drunk, but i guess...

it's a misconception that being drunk rids you of your worries... or maybe i wasn't drunk enough. instead of drowning your sorrows, you'll be drunk in your sorrows. how ironic. i wonder why people get themselves drunk in the first place... so no more alcohol unless it's pple's birthday or some celebratory occasion. and no more getting high and sprouting nonsense.

i understand people will move away from you as time passes. though i thought friendship may be eternal, i guess there's no such thing as eternity. in the end no one can truly understand each other, and everybody will be left alone eventually. i admit i'm really upset when i heard some news regarding my good friend whom i used to be really close to, but since a certain event we've moved apart. maybe it's because i can never fully acknowledge that it's the right choice, maybe it's just me being possessive. i don't even know myself in this sense. whenever something goes wrong, you just have to blame yourself. because if you choose to blame others, things will never end.

just like another certain individual. i'm so envious of how nice you can be to others, all except me. i understand that you have no obligations, so i choose to leave. i don't know how to face you each time we meet. though i'll be sad when i don't see you at certain occassions, i'm even more upset when i see you in person. the truth has already set into me : we're in two absolutely different worlds, where we can't even touch each other nor show any form of concern. u're okay without me, i'll be okay on my own. the next time if we ever meet, i'll show you what it means to be a strong woman.

once again la! happy birthday to birthday boy la! no longer teenager le, must act like your age and not scare jayne again leh! hope u like your presents neh...

i'm glad to have gone on the phuket trip with weixiang and co... at least it no longer feels so awkward at class gatherings without pansy and sheila. but... why. why just some things never change? am i just change-adverse?

i understand the source of my depression now : i'm always looking for something non-existant in this world. eternity. no changes. like a world encasted in ice. as much as i try to resist change, i'm changing myself. growing old as time passes by, meeting new people, shifts in relations, and the list never ends. i try to limit the number of changes that happens to me, but maybe i shouldn't do that anymore. yet i'm scared of the person i'll change into if i didn't do that. rawr. i'm always quarrelling within myself.

another great incoming change : shianchi and yinyin going to US for half a year. my two good friends from ntu gone, i don't know how things will be without these two great friends to whine and complain about school stuff... or i'm just too dependent on my friends rawr. it's true i have friends in uni, but of course not as close as the friends i make in jc and stuff... i always have a problem with trust and i know it. no one to teach me how to conquer my fears and stuff like that. there's no shortcut anywhere for me to take. but i'll be alright. i know i will =) <-- only slight optimism can keep me afloat ahahaha~

omg i just woke up after 12noon twice in a row. i better start switching my bioclock back to what it used to be... rawr.

tonight tonight! don't miss it! champion against champion!

gone to phuket been to phuket back from phuket! the trip was extremely fun although i felt it was really short... seriously 2.5 days is not enough! hope to go somewhere again with u guys but right now i'm really broke... so hope to save up as much as possible before we strike some place again! lmao~

photos have been uploaded to this site : http://shootingstar4eva.multiply.com/
feel free to look around *especially the taipei pictures where everyone looked like shyt cos we couldn't be bothered most of the time hehex... just look at my brother's sian face rawr... but that trip was fun too!*

memories... i read from a certain manga that memories aren't reliable, because our brain cells gets replaced periodically and our memories are replicated each time that happens. this means our memories are never accurate, as we replicated them as and how we wanna perceive them in the future. so even when i dwell in my memories, the actual things might be less dark than my current memories. i guess the best is never look back then, but i look at people like weixiang and jonathan talking about making good memories for this trip... it made me wanna believe in memories again. haha funny why is this becoming so... reflective?

i wanted to get away from my life here... going somewhere far away where nobody knows me *well except my friends who were with me : shian chi wendy amelia weixiang jonathan and yiuyan* maybe i was trying to run away from some issues troubling me here, to run to somewhere sunny, to be drenched in happiness? i thought while i'm there i'll have time to mull over things, but everything was super packed with fun that i didn't have time to do that. fun aside, i wouldn't admit i'm happy cos if i do that, unhappiness might just be around the corner cos life is not so nice to let one stay happy forever =P that's one of my main issues that i wanna solve, but i guess it's something so deep down that i can't handle and resolve in a mere 3 day escape from reality...

i guess i'm just too moody or too different from others. what is happiness? how do people handle their problems and stay cheerful against all obstacles? i realise i'm totally lost in the whole world though i'm already living in this crazy world for 20 years. a crazy 20 years lol. it's everybody's right to seek happiness, but what will you have to give up in return for that happiness? unhappiness? or am i just too greedy because if i seek happiness i want purely that and no sadness at all? life is full of ups and downs, it's impossible to have purely happiness -- that's just an illusion...

i wanna go back to who i was before everything... back to the innocent me in p6... or if i can't be that greedy, back to me when i was in sec 4... or back to the time when i was still in ac when i was j1... back to the more optimistic me, where i had held the glimmer of hope that the world was not so dark and ugly. just before things turned really ugly. then i realised i can't. maybe i could, but it seemed so far away from the current me. i'm like the exact opposite me to the "me" when i was in acjc... maybe i should have stayed there? but of course i wouldn't. i'm glad to have gone to hcjc, really i am. but there are always so many what ifs. i'm always looking back for some secret escape route when i know i'm stuck at where i am, and nothing's going to change that. it felt as though i screwed up my life though i know i'm much better off than others... that feeling sux.

academic stuff, financial stuff. jobless, need a job for my allowance. job interview at 11 tml and i don't feel like sleeping yet. studies going downwards, might have to drop out of abp, but then again do i really want to finish my degree in 3.5 years time? there's so much things i wanna explore but so little time. time management. i screwed that up this semester with my 2 tuition obligations. though i'm busy i'm always procrastinating. i felt i was busier at the start of the year (year 1 sem 2) cos i had tuition and volleyball practice, but at least i had the motivation to keep moving *though my studies dropped anyway* motivation is the key here... but how do i find that motivation again? it's ironic that last time people used to say i'm self motivated.

i laugh at my stupidity and how cowardly and ugly my character has become. is this from the negativity of the world or it's a phase everybody goes through? i think it's the former but it's probably just my excuse for making me feel better off. i run at the slightest hint of fear, from cockroaches to lizards, from problems to even the slightest change, and from getting hurt. where did my courage go? did i just drop it somewhere on the street 2 years ago? lol 2 years. how quickly time goes. i guess the memories of then must have been replicated so many times that nothing i remember now is the truth. how to let go of your past resentment of events from the past? i always thought the past serves as one's foundation... why does things seem to go both ways in all aspects for me?

constantly arguing within myself over my principles and issues like such. i want to step out of my walls and be different from my older self, but i'll chicken out last minute cos somehow i like my previous self too. i want to stick to my principles but i don't want to be too stubborn. i want to love but don't want to get hurt. these things always clash within themselves, and i still can't see a way to make them happen at the same time. though some might advise me to just take my time, sometimes i get really frustrated at how long time has passed and nothing seemed to happen. i want to change but i don't want to change. i want others to understand me but then again i don't want them to fully understand me. i doubt anybody understands what i'm trying to say here lol...

still uploading photos to taiwan... seriously i don't understand how my sis can take up to around 300+ pictures for the trip while i took only less than 50 photos for my phuket trip. oh well maybe i just don't know how and when to take photos rawr...

meanwhile i'll post up my anime blog again so do take a look once in a while =)

boing boing boing boing boing!

bouncing to phuket in another 6 more hours! wooohooo~

如果你的一生是一场梦，并且现在从这场梦惊醒，你会希望记得梦境，还是选择遗忘？如果是我，我大概会选择遗忘。或许这一生中有许多美好的事，但回想起来脑子里突然一片空白。听起来可悲吗？或许我本人就是那么可悲。

真 正遗忘一个人是怎样的滋味？有没有可能遗忘呢？这个问题反反复复得问了自己好多好多遍，但终究得不到一个“真确”的答案。一方面，人是无法遗忘过去所发 生的事。这些事会累积成经验，成为一个人成长的肥料，也可作为警惕。就算回忆是多么伤人令人感到痛苦，就算一个人想尽办法要遗忘，回忆总会藏在脑海的深 处，随时随地浮现在眼前。

从另一个角度来看，一旦失去记忆，人是可以遗忘过去的事情。（说到这一点，有时候真的会有想消除记忆的歪念头。。）

朋友说，遗忘是不可能的。但当你回想往事时不再像以前那么难过、感到遗憾、或怀有恨意，那大概就是放得下了吧。那什么才算是难过遗憾或憎恨呢？我现在连自己的情绪都搞不清了。

醉。 人说喝酒会醉。我说不喝酒也会醉。不敢于尝试真正醉的感觉，是因为害怕失去理性，说出或做出我平时不敢做的事。给自己铐上太多枷锁，一直难以呼吸，想 挣破枷锁也心有余而力不足。我却不会为了醉而猛灌酒。我会在想醉的时候让自己醉。听起来似乎不太可能，不过好像我遇过这种情况至少两次。一次是在我非常难 过的 时候，另一次是在我极度疲劳的时候，说话不对头，走路东歪西倒。

面对失去目标的生活，简直是没有任何一样可以期待的东西。说是寻 死？这不 是我。寻死不过是个不负责任的行为。我生存是因周围的人的扶持，但却没有自己所想 达到的目标。或许一旦发现没有周围旁边的人的扶持，我真的就被击垮。这样的人生我厌倦了。不想受伤害的心是真的，不想毫无目标地生活的感觉也是如此强烈。 我就一直互相矛盾，来来去去超过一年。自私自利的用“我不想受伤害”作为伤害他人的理由，还认为自己并没有错。但换我做被伤害的人，或许我会痛骂让我受伤 的混蛋。

岁月光阴是那么的不饶人。转眼间一大半时间又过去了。我们生活在这世上到底是为了什么？为了传宗接代？为了让自己成为世上职业界的第一？还是为了让自己是世上最大的富翁？

我什么都不要。我只要平平静静地过着简单的生活，成为一个有思想的女强人。