Of Smiles and Sunshine

yes! finally the big move from old blogger to the new blogger!

time check : 1:27am on a sunday morning. what am i doing here? dazing with a mild headache most likely from the alcohol intake earlier. despite the supposedly "drowsy" effect one gets from excess alcohol which i should have now, after bathing and water-parading, i feel as though i just woke up. *well i did... i woke up from being seh~*

been thinking about this whole idea for the past week. yes it's damn clique, my sis has blogged about it a long time ago, and i think the entry below will probably sound like some gp essay, but heck i'm going to voice my thoughts on my blog. it's mine. don't read it if u dun like. rawr! <-- effects of alcohol still evidents lol~

what is beauty? is it something that is colourful, or something that abides to the golden ratio? is beauty something about one's looks? when we see someone across the street, we start making some mental impressions like... oh that girl's so beautiful! or.. omgs that guy just looks ugly with that set of clothing. do we ever think a little deeper to ourselves whenever we make such opinions about others, that we can't judge beauty just by looks?

society has formed us in such a way that we follow the notions of beauty our community has formed with the "help" of media... like for example, a while ago girls are so crazy over guys with single eye lids cos it's supposed to mean the guy is cute. or a egg-shaped face is supposed to mean one's chio... or even, as stereotyped by many, a girl with big eyes is pretty. however, is someone without these traits ugly?

sadly, people these days, especially those who have grown up and have lesser and lesser time to interact with others, have to resort to judging one's beauty just by looks. we no longer have the time and effort to display our "inner" beauty or even "inner" ugliness if we have the outer looks to others, because we're all in a rush for time, with no time to explain ourselves.

even if we decide to abandon the guidelines set aside by the society to perceive beauty, how can we decide whether one has inner beauty? must that person abide to some specific characteristic? like to be kind and giving, gentle? or those that always put others before themselves?

i'm really drawn to the latest manga i'm crazy over... it talks about the idea of beauty and the ugly side of it. there's always two sides to the coin -- no matter how beautiful something is, there's something ugly about it... nothing's perfect in the world... this is probably what it means...

i'm really touched by something i saw today -- at my friend's birthday celebration, her crush gave her flowers and sort of "confessed" his feelings to her... a beautiful start of a new relationship on a rainy night on her birthday... it was so sweet and beautiful that i almost wanted to cry. but *i'm just being pessimistic, i'm so sorry amelia* i thought about how something sweet and beautiful will have ugly side to it... like... *i'm so sorry i'm so sorry! i'm not cursing u or anything!* a relationship is always beautiful when u start out, but once u go further things might get ugly....

so what exactly is beauty? i don't know the answer to that, i only know what's ugly. like selfishness. wilfulness. rotten food, cockroaches, lizards, moths... etc. i never like ugly things. like myself. all i can see of myself are my imperfections. i'm ugly. i know no one's perfect in the world, but strangely i can see and admire others' strength in character despite their imperfections, but not for me at all. i hate myself to the core... if not for those who care about me or my parents who gave me my body, i'll probably not be in this world or have started cutting myself or something. but i'm still alive. and i don't know why haha.

my ugliness is probably my lack of confidence. and my inability to try to discover whatever strengths i might have. being unable to shine, unable to seek happiness? what's happiness in the first place? is it simply a hot drink on a cold day? or being able to soak in the pool or to eat ice-cream on a hot day? i tend to forget this small kind of happiness really easily... and i kinda hate myself for that.

is eternity considered as beauty? i used to think that eternal love is... but then i realised that never existed. so is beauty all a pointless chase over something inexistent in our world? they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. for something that one can neither see nor touch, is it still beautiful? if something non-existent can't be considered as beautiful, then are the changes that destroyed eternity beautiful? even for something eternal, sometimes it can't be beautiful... like if we only have eternal nights, would we be able to appreciate its beauty without comparing it to the beauty/ugliness of day?

i suppose beauty is all subjective. so is every other abstract idea in the world probably. we always need to have something to compare with another to determine how beautiful something is.

a strange thought just popped up in my mind -- could it be that when comparing one's looks, we consider something that we don't have as beautiful cos we can never obtain it? like for girls with small eyes, they'll think others with big eyes are beautiful. someone else's possessions are beautiful because we don't own them. haha now things are starting to make a little more sense to me...

wow this brings me to other thoughts about other issues : the issue of greediness. we're never satisfied with what we have -- like young kids who always complain to their mums about whichever toy their friends have but they do not own, how we're unable to immerse in the small little happiness we have from our daily lives and envy how enriching and beautiful other people's lives are... well long way to go down that path, so i shall stop here for now...