now that i'm sober... lemme recount what really happened yesterday...
out to celebrate weixiang's birthday... went out in the morning for gift hunting, got dragged to watch weixiang n co. waveboard... it's actually quite fun! too bad i didn't bring an extra set of clothes and i'm broke from buying 100+ bucks of manga the day before lol! then we were super duper late for the birthday celebrations at wala wala... pansy went off early to meet her bf and returned with her bf to eat mudpie at holland v. loads of thoughts running in my head that i thought it's good to get high and drunk, but i guess...
it's a misconception that being drunk rids you of your worries... or maybe i wasn't drunk enough. instead of drowning your sorrows, you'll be drunk in your sorrows. how ironic. i wonder why people get themselves drunk in the first place... so no more alcohol unless it's pple's birthday or some celebratory occasion. and no more getting high and sprouting nonsense.
i understand people will move away from you as time passes. though i thought friendship may be eternal, i guess there's no such thing as eternity. in the end no one can truly understand each other, and everybody will be left alone eventually. i admit i'm really upset when i heard some news regarding my good friend whom i used to be really close to, but since a certain event we've moved apart. maybe it's because i can never fully acknowledge that it's the right choice, maybe it's just me being possessive. i don't even know myself in this sense. whenever something goes wrong, you just have to blame yourself. because if you choose to blame others, things will never end.
just like another certain individual. i'm so envious of how nice you can be to others, all except me. i understand that you have no obligations, so i choose to leave. i don't know how to face you each time we meet. though i'll be sad when i don't see you at certain occassions, i'm even more upset when i see you in person. the truth has already set into me : we're in two absolutely different worlds, where we can't even touch each other nor show any form of concern. u're okay without me, i'll be okay on my own. the next time if we ever meet, i'll show you what it means to be a strong woman.
once again la! happy birthday to birthday boy la! no longer teenager le, must act like your age and not scare jayne again leh! hope u like your presents neh...
i'm glad to have gone on the phuket trip with weixiang and co... at least it no longer feels so awkward at class gatherings without pansy and sheila. but... why. why just some things never change? am i just change-adverse?
i understand the source of my depression now : i'm always looking for something non-existant in this world. eternity. no changes. like a world encasted in ice. as much as i try to resist change, i'm changing myself. growing old as time passes by, meeting new people, shifts in relations, and the list never ends. i try to limit the number of changes that happens to me, but maybe i shouldn't do that anymore. yet i'm scared of the person i'll change into if i didn't do that. rawr. i'm always quarrelling within myself.
another great incoming change : shianchi and yinyin going to US for half a year. my two good friends from ntu gone, i don't know how things will be without these two great friends to whine and complain about school stuff... or i'm just too dependent on my friends rawr. it's true i have friends in uni, but of course not as close as the friends i make in jc and stuff... i always have a problem with trust and i know it. no one to teach me how to conquer my fears and stuff like that. there's no shortcut anywhere for me to take. but i'll be alright. i know i will =) <-- only slight optimism can keep me afloat ahahaha~
omg i just woke up after 12noon twice in a row. i better start switching my bioclock back to what it used to be... rawr.
18 December 2006
tonight tonight! don't miss it! champion against champion!
gone to phuket been to phuket back from phuket! the trip was extremely fun although i felt it was really short... seriously 2.5 days is not enough! hope to go somewhere again with u guys but right now i'm really broke... so hope to save up as much as possible before we strike some place again! lmao~
photos have been uploaded to this site : http://shootingstar4eva.multiply.com/
feel free to look around *especially the taipei pictures where everyone looked like shyt cos we couldn't be bothered most of the time hehex... just look at my brother's sian face rawr... but that trip was fun too!*
memories... i read from a certain manga that memories aren't reliable, because our brain cells gets replaced periodically and our memories are replicated each time that happens. this means our memories are never accurate, as we replicated them as and how we wanna perceive them in the future. so even when i dwell in my memories, the actual things might be less dark than my current memories. i guess the best is never look back then, but i look at people like weixiang and jonathan talking about making good memories for this trip... it made me wanna believe in memories again. haha funny why is this becoming so... reflective?
i wanted to get away from my life here... going somewhere far away where nobody knows me *well except my friends who were with me : shian chi wendy amelia weixiang jonathan and yiuyan* maybe i was trying to run away from some issues troubling me here, to run to somewhere sunny, to be drenched in happiness? i thought while i'm there i'll have time to mull over things, but everything was super packed with fun that i didn't have time to do that. fun aside, i wouldn't admit i'm happy cos if i do that, unhappiness might just be around the corner cos life is not so nice to let one stay happy forever =P that's one of my main issues that i wanna solve, but i guess it's something so deep down that i can't handle and resolve in a mere 3 day escape from reality...
i guess i'm just too moody or too different from others. what is happiness? how do people handle their problems and stay cheerful against all obstacles? i realise i'm totally lost in the whole world though i'm already living in this crazy world for 20 years. a crazy 20 years lol. it's everybody's right to seek happiness, but what will you have to give up in return for that happiness? unhappiness? or am i just too greedy because if i seek happiness i want purely that and no sadness at all? life is full of ups and downs, it's impossible to have purely happiness -- that's just an illusion...
i wanna go back to who i was before everything... back to the innocent me in p6... or if i can't be that greedy, back to me when i was in sec 4... or back to the time when i was still in ac when i was j1... back to the more optimistic me, where i had held the glimmer of hope that the world was not so dark and ugly. just before things turned really ugly. then i realised i can't. maybe i could, but it seemed so far away from the current me. i'm like the exact opposite me to the "me" when i was in acjc... maybe i should have stayed there? but of course i wouldn't. i'm glad to have gone to hcjc, really i am. but there are always so many what ifs. i'm always looking back for some secret escape route when i know i'm stuck at where i am, and nothing's going to change that. it felt as though i screwed up my life though i know i'm much better off than others... that feeling sux.
academic stuff, financial stuff. jobless, need a job for my allowance. job interview at 11 tml and i don't feel like sleeping yet. studies going downwards, might have to drop out of abp, but then again do i really want to finish my degree in 3.5 years time? there's so much things i wanna explore but so little time. time management. i screwed that up this semester with my 2 tuition obligations. though i'm busy i'm always procrastinating. i felt i was busier at the start of the year (year 1 sem 2) cos i had tuition and volleyball practice, but at least i had the motivation to keep moving *though my studies dropped anyway* motivation is the key here... but how do i find that motivation again? it's ironic that last time people used to say i'm self motivated.
i laugh at my stupidity and how cowardly and ugly my character has become. is this from the negativity of the world or it's a phase everybody goes through? i think it's the former but it's probably just my excuse for making me feel better off. i run at the slightest hint of fear, from cockroaches to lizards, from problems to even the slightest change, and from getting hurt. where did my courage go? did i just drop it somewhere on the street 2 years ago? lol 2 years. how quickly time goes. i guess the memories of then must have been replicated so many times that nothing i remember now is the truth. how to let go of your past resentment of events from the past? i always thought the past serves as one's foundation... why does things seem to go both ways in all aspects for me?
constantly arguing within myself over my principles and issues like such. i want to step out of my walls and be different from my older self, but i'll chicken out last minute cos somehow i like my previous self too. i want to stick to my principles but i don't want to be too stubborn. i want to love but don't want to get hurt. these things always clash within themselves, and i still can't see a way to make them happen at the same time. though some might advise me to just take my time, sometimes i get really frustrated at how long time has passed and nothing seemed to happen. i want to change but i don't want to change. i want others to understand me but then again i don't want them to fully understand me. i doubt anybody understands what i'm trying to say here lol...
still uploading photos to taiwan... seriously i don't understand how my sis can take up to around 300+ pictures for the trip while i took only less than 50 photos for my phuket trip. oh well maybe i just don't know how and when to take photos rawr...
meanwhile i'll post up my anime blog again so do take a look once in a while =)
gone to phuket been to phuket back from phuket! the trip was extremely fun although i felt it was really short... seriously 2.5 days is not enough! hope to go somewhere again with u guys but right now i'm really broke... so hope to save up as much as possible before we strike some place again! lmao~
photos have been uploaded to this site : http://shootingstar4eva.multiply.com/
feel free to look around *especially the taipei pictures where everyone looked like shyt cos we couldn't be bothered most of the time hehex... just look at my brother's sian face rawr... but that trip was fun too!*
memories... i read from a certain manga that memories aren't reliable, because our brain cells gets replaced periodically and our memories are replicated each time that happens. this means our memories are never accurate, as we replicated them as and how we wanna perceive them in the future. so even when i dwell in my memories, the actual things might be less dark than my current memories. i guess the best is never look back then, but i look at people like weixiang and jonathan talking about making good memories for this trip... it made me wanna believe in memories again. haha funny why is this becoming so... reflective?
i wanted to get away from my life here... going somewhere far away where nobody knows me *well except my friends who were with me : shian chi wendy amelia weixiang jonathan and yiuyan* maybe i was trying to run away from some issues troubling me here, to run to somewhere sunny, to be drenched in happiness? i thought while i'm there i'll have time to mull over things, but everything was super packed with fun that i didn't have time to do that. fun aside, i wouldn't admit i'm happy cos if i do that, unhappiness might just be around the corner cos life is not so nice to let one stay happy forever =P that's one of my main issues that i wanna solve, but i guess it's something so deep down that i can't handle and resolve in a mere 3 day escape from reality...
i guess i'm just too moody or too different from others. what is happiness? how do people handle their problems and stay cheerful against all obstacles? i realise i'm totally lost in the whole world though i'm already living in this crazy world for 20 years. a crazy 20 years lol. it's everybody's right to seek happiness, but what will you have to give up in return for that happiness? unhappiness? or am i just too greedy because if i seek happiness i want purely that and no sadness at all? life is full of ups and downs, it's impossible to have purely happiness -- that's just an illusion...
i wanna go back to who i was before everything... back to the innocent me in p6... or if i can't be that greedy, back to me when i was in sec 4... or back to the time when i was still in ac when i was j1... back to the more optimistic me, where i had held the glimmer of hope that the world was not so dark and ugly. just before things turned really ugly. then i realised i can't. maybe i could, but it seemed so far away from the current me. i'm like the exact opposite me to the "me" when i was in acjc... maybe i should have stayed there? but of course i wouldn't. i'm glad to have gone to hcjc, really i am. but there are always so many what ifs. i'm always looking back for some secret escape route when i know i'm stuck at where i am, and nothing's going to change that. it felt as though i screwed up my life though i know i'm much better off than others... that feeling sux.
academic stuff, financial stuff. jobless, need a job for my allowance. job interview at 11 tml and i don't feel like sleeping yet. studies going downwards, might have to drop out of abp, but then again do i really want to finish my degree in 3.5 years time? there's so much things i wanna explore but so little time. time management. i screwed that up this semester with my 2 tuition obligations. though i'm busy i'm always procrastinating. i felt i was busier at the start of the year (year 1 sem 2) cos i had tuition and volleyball practice, but at least i had the motivation to keep moving *though my studies dropped anyway* motivation is the key here... but how do i find that motivation again? it's ironic that last time people used to say i'm self motivated.
i laugh at my stupidity and how cowardly and ugly my character has become. is this from the negativity of the world or it's a phase everybody goes through? i think it's the former but it's probably just my excuse for making me feel better off. i run at the slightest hint of fear, from cockroaches to lizards, from problems to even the slightest change, and from getting hurt. where did my courage go? did i just drop it somewhere on the street 2 years ago? lol 2 years. how quickly time goes. i guess the memories of then must have been replicated so many times that nothing i remember now is the truth. how to let go of your past resentment of events from the past? i always thought the past serves as one's foundation... why does things seem to go both ways in all aspects for me?
constantly arguing within myself over my principles and issues like such. i want to step out of my walls and be different from my older self, but i'll chicken out last minute cos somehow i like my previous self too. i want to stick to my principles but i don't want to be too stubborn. i want to love but don't want to get hurt. these things always clash within themselves, and i still can't see a way to make them happen at the same time. though some might advise me to just take my time, sometimes i get really frustrated at how long time has passed and nothing seemed to happen. i want to change but i don't want to change. i want others to understand me but then again i don't want them to fully understand me. i doubt anybody understands what i'm trying to say here lol...
still uploading photos to taiwan... seriously i don't understand how my sis can take up to around 300+ pictures for the trip while i took only less than 50 photos for my phuket trip. oh well maybe i just don't know how and when to take photos rawr...
meanwhile i'll post up my anime blog again so do take a look once in a while =)
14 December 2006
10 December 2006
如果你的一生是一场梦，并且现在从这场梦惊醒，你会希望记得梦境，还是选择遗忘？如果是我，我大概会选择遗忘。或许这一生中有许多美好的事，但回想起来脑子里突然一片空白。听起来可悲吗？或许我本人就是那么可悲。
真 正遗忘一个人是怎样的滋味？有没有可能遗忘呢？这个问题反反复复得问了自己好多好多遍，但终究得不到一个“真确”的答案。一方面，人是无法遗忘过去所发 生的事。这些事会累积成经验，成为一个人成长的肥料，也可作为警惕。就算回忆是多么伤人令人感到痛苦，就算一个人想尽办法要遗忘，回忆总会藏在脑海的深 处，随时随地浮现在眼前。
从另一个角度来看，一旦失去记忆，人是可以遗忘过去的事情。（说到这一点，有时候真的会有想消除记忆的歪念头。。）
朋友说，遗忘是不可能的。但当你回想往事时不再像以前那么难过、感到遗憾、或怀有恨意，那大概就是放得下了吧。那什么才算是难过遗憾或憎恨呢？我现在连自己的情绪都搞不清了。
醉。 人说喝酒会醉。我说不喝酒也会醉。不敢于尝试真正醉的感觉，是因为害怕失去理性，说出或做出我平时不敢做的事。给自己铐上太多枷锁，一直难以呼吸，想 挣破枷锁也心有余而力不足。我却不会为了醉而猛灌酒。我会在想醉的时候让自己醉。听起来似乎不太可能，不过好像我遇过这种情况至少两次。一次是在我非常难 过的 时候，另一次是在我极度疲劳的时候，说话不对头，走路东歪西倒。
面对失去目标的生活，简直是没有任何一样可以期待的东西。说是寻 死？这不 是我。寻死不过是个不负责任的行为。我生存是因周围的人的扶持，但却没有自己所想 达到的目标。或许一旦发现没有周围旁边的人的扶持，我真的就被击垮。这样的人生我厌倦了。不想受伤害的心是真的，不想毫无目标地生活的感觉也是如此强烈。 我就一直互相矛盾，来来去去超过一年。自私自利的用“我不想受伤害”作为伤害他人的理由，还认为自己并没有错。但换我做被伤害的人，或许我会痛骂让我受伤 的混蛋。
岁月光阴是那么的不饶人。转眼间一大半时间又过去了。我们生活在这世上到底是为了什么？为了传宗接代？为了让自己成为世上职业界的第一？还是为了让自己是世上最大的富翁？
我什么都不要。我只要平平静静地过着简单的生活，成为一个有思想的女强人。
真 正遗忘一个人是怎样的滋味？有没有可能遗忘呢？这个问题反反复复得问了自己好多好多遍，但终究得不到一个“真确”的答案。一方面，人是无法遗忘过去所发 生的事。这些事会累积成经验，成为一个人成长的肥料，也可作为警惕。就算回忆是多么伤人令人感到痛苦，就算一个人想尽办法要遗忘，回忆总会藏在脑海的深 处，随时随地浮现在眼前。
从另一个角度来看，一旦失去记忆，人是可以遗忘过去的事情。（说到这一点，有时候真的会有想消除记忆的歪念头。。）
朋友说，遗忘是不可能的。但当你回想往事时不再像以前那么难过、感到遗憾、或怀有恨意，那大概就是放得下了吧。那什么才算是难过遗憾或憎恨呢？我现在连自己的情绪都搞不清了。
醉。 人说喝酒会醉。我说不喝酒也会醉。不敢于尝试真正醉的感觉，是因为害怕失去理性，说出或做出我平时不敢做的事。给自己铐上太多枷锁，一直难以呼吸，想 挣破枷锁也心有余而力不足。我却不会为了醉而猛灌酒。我会在想醉的时候让自己醉。听起来似乎不太可能，不过好像我遇过这种情况至少两次。一次是在我非常难 过的 时候，另一次是在我极度疲劳的时候，说话不对头，走路东歪西倒。
面对失去目标的生活，简直是没有任何一样可以期待的东西。说是寻 死？这不 是我。寻死不过是个不负责任的行为。我生存是因周围的人的扶持，但却没有自己所想 达到的目标。或许一旦发现没有周围旁边的人的扶持，我真的就被击垮。这样的人生我厌倦了。不想受伤害的心是真的，不想毫无目标地生活的感觉也是如此强烈。 我就一直互相矛盾，来来去去超过一年。自私自利的用“我不想受伤害”作为伤害他人的理由，还认为自己并没有错。但换我做被伤害的人，或许我会痛骂让我受伤 的混蛋。
岁月光阴是那么的不饶人。转眼间一大半时间又过去了。我们生活在这世上到底是为了什么？为了传宗接代？为了让自己成为世上职业界的第一？还是为了让自己是世上最大的富翁？
我什么都不要。我只要平平静静地过着简单的生活，成为一个有思想的女强人。
19 November 2006
after bottling up for such a long time, the time bomb has finally exploded.
time bomb exploded last night at around 12midnight. reason: bomb was aggravated by a certain trigger which was rather unpleasant.
however, this might not be too bad an incident. the glass surrounding the bomb shattered, destroying the walls surrounding it. yet the debris left behind was quite a deal to handle.
was glad to have chatted with a few people last night... supposed to have been studying though, but hey who cares! *especially after flunking the great-o-certain-paper* so...haha... i'll mug later. later =)
thinking about the things i wana do during the break... i think i really need to get out somewhere, but it seems that the thailand trip's a little too expensive, and i don't know if the details have been finalised yet... eeks =X i hope they don't finalise things too quickly though =X
today i'm officially jobless. no more tuition to haunt me n stuff, but hey i wish my student koh yu all da best for her fmaths exam tml... opps forgot to wish yiwei good luck for her maths paper last week lol... but hmmms... dunno whether i'll miss chatting with them while tutoring them... and of course i'll miss the monthly small increase in my funds... but hey! ahems. well haha~
well shall continue to strive and find my motivation. to hell to those that made me upset. dammit, damn u. u're not worth a single drop of tear.
time bomb exploded last night at around 12midnight. reason: bomb was aggravated by a certain trigger which was rather unpleasant.
however, this might not be too bad an incident. the glass surrounding the bomb shattered, destroying the walls surrounding it. yet the debris left behind was quite a deal to handle.
was glad to have chatted with a few people last night... supposed to have been studying though, but hey who cares! *especially after flunking the great-o-certain-paper* so...haha... i'll mug later. later =)
thinking about the things i wana do during the break... i think i really need to get out somewhere, but it seems that the thailand trip's a little too expensive, and i don't know if the details have been finalised yet... eeks =X i hope they don't finalise things too quickly though =X
today i'm officially jobless. no more tuition to haunt me n stuff, but hey i wish my student koh yu all da best for her fmaths exam tml... opps forgot to wish yiwei good luck for her maths paper last week lol... but hmmms... dunno whether i'll miss chatting with them while tutoring them... and of course i'll miss the monthly small increase in my funds... but hey! ahems. well haha~
well shall continue to strive and find my motivation. to hell to those that made me upset. dammit, damn u. u're not worth a single drop of tear.
17 November 2006
i... totally lost motivation to study.
maybe ever since i entered uni, i lost that driving force.
ever since i totally flunked my circuits exam, strangely i didn't feel super motivated or upset or disappointed. it's like... oh i just flunked my exam. nth else, not even a slight surge of panic while i was doing the paper even though i can't get a single answer. seriously... i thought i'll like... dunno... cry like a baby cos i flunked a paper? or maybe even freak out that i can't do a single question in the paper?
now it feels like i've totally given up on myself on this exams.
come on it's only one paper... i think i did ok for jap... u'll do fine if u start mugging now!
sighz...
been thinking these few days... strangely my thoughts now repeating themselves in my mind is not only in chinese, sometimes japanese pops up in my head as well! omgz am i going crazy just from studying jap?
speaking of jap, i didn't even mug hard last minute... i just like slacked after circuits paper and went for jap paper... but that's cos i forced myself to consistently study for jap.
and the stupid thing was... while writing compo for jap paper, i was fantasizing about holidays and can't wait for it to come...
-_-
let's count down to what other subjects i have left...
1) ee2008 algorithms n data systems
2) mb102 business finance
3) ee2010 signals n systems <--- i'm studying so many different systems >_<
4) ee2006 engineering maths 1
i used to keep telling myself... 没有期望没有失望。yes, though i no longer feel hurt because i'm disappointed in anything, but then, somehow this whole thing seem to backfire. because i no longer have expectations of myself, i no longer have the motivation to move forward. and i had the nerve to question whether it'll be sufficient to keep moving forward. ever since even before i entered uni, it seems i tried to cast myself in a frozen glass cell to prevent my tears from falling again. well i succeeded (i think) but contrary to what i thought, i had just frozen myself in time. how nice. it's exactly the same as my blog layout. what an irony.
too many thoughts running in my head now... thinking about how my other friends are working hard while i'm still stuck in the rut, being stubborn about moving off. nobody wants to get hurt, no one wants to hurt you too. this came from an anime i'm watching now called bokura ga ita. reminds me of loads of things from the past. all memories but yet they still come back to me every now and then.
been thinking how hard it is to open up to people these days. i understand that everyone have their own problems to deal with and stuff... so i act high and mighty and say i don't wanna burden others with my problems. besides harping about the same thing every other day is tiring too, so no point talking about it. i act as though nothing's bothered me at all while my friends come to me at times about their problems. but then it seems as though i've never gotten over the entire thing before. what exactly is betrayal? what does it mean to have totally gotten past something happened in the past? does it mean totally forgetting about the whole incident and live your life as though nothing has happened before? if that's the case i suppose i have never gotten over it. with this i'm refering to an incident in secondary school. sometimes i'm left in awe how people can remember something, some event so vividly that happened so long ago and forget what something that happened a min ago.
maybe that's the main reason why i find it so hard to open up? besides, if you choose to open up to the wrong person, i can't imagine the consequences. for those who really care, i know that nobody wants to get hurt, and no one wants to hurt others; but sadly i've met people who are really out to hurt others. maybe i'll misunderstand some of my friends actions because of that. i don't know. even if, even for just a moment, you were true to me; because of that incident, the way things turned out, i'll probably hate you for the way things turned out. you can do the same to me, i wouldn't flinch or anything.
sighz. maybe it's time to ignite some passion that i once had... for sports, for music, for the things i loved. maybe there's none now, but... at least... lemme trick myself that i love studying... so that i have the motivation to mug dammit!
rawr.
maybe ever since i entered uni, i lost that driving force.
ever since i totally flunked my circuits exam, strangely i didn't feel super motivated or upset or disappointed. it's like... oh i just flunked my exam. nth else, not even a slight surge of panic while i was doing the paper even though i can't get a single answer. seriously... i thought i'll like... dunno... cry like a baby cos i flunked a paper? or maybe even freak out that i can't do a single question in the paper?
now it feels like i've totally given up on myself on this exams.
come on it's only one paper... i think i did ok for jap... u'll do fine if u start mugging now!
sighz...
been thinking these few days... strangely my thoughts now repeating themselves in my mind is not only in chinese, sometimes japanese pops up in my head as well! omgz am i going crazy just from studying jap?
speaking of jap, i didn't even mug hard last minute... i just like slacked after circuits paper and went for jap paper... but that's cos i forced myself to consistently study for jap.
and the stupid thing was... while writing compo for jap paper, i was fantasizing about holidays and can't wait for it to come...
-_-
let's count down to what other subjects i have left...
1) ee2008 algorithms n data systems
2) mb102 business finance
3) ee2010 signals n systems <--- i'm studying so many different systems >_<
4) ee2006 engineering maths 1
i used to keep telling myself... 没有期望没有失望。yes, though i no longer feel hurt because i'm disappointed in anything, but then, somehow this whole thing seem to backfire. because i no longer have expectations of myself, i no longer have the motivation to move forward. and i had the nerve to question whether it'll be sufficient to keep moving forward. ever since even before i entered uni, it seems i tried to cast myself in a frozen glass cell to prevent my tears from falling again. well i succeeded (i think) but contrary to what i thought, i had just frozen myself in time. how nice. it's exactly the same as my blog layout. what an irony.
too many thoughts running in my head now... thinking about how my other friends are working hard while i'm still stuck in the rut, being stubborn about moving off. nobody wants to get hurt, no one wants to hurt you too. this came from an anime i'm watching now called bokura ga ita. reminds me of loads of things from the past. all memories but yet they still come back to me every now and then.
been thinking how hard it is to open up to people these days. i understand that everyone have their own problems to deal with and stuff... so i act high and mighty and say i don't wanna burden others with my problems. besides harping about the same thing every other day is tiring too, so no point talking about it. i act as though nothing's bothered me at all while my friends come to me at times about their problems. but then it seems as though i've never gotten over the entire thing before. what exactly is betrayal? what does it mean to have totally gotten past something happened in the past? does it mean totally forgetting about the whole incident and live your life as though nothing has happened before? if that's the case i suppose i have never gotten over it. with this i'm refering to an incident in secondary school. sometimes i'm left in awe how people can remember something, some event so vividly that happened so long ago and forget what something that happened a min ago.
maybe that's the main reason why i find it so hard to open up? besides, if you choose to open up to the wrong person, i can't imagine the consequences. for those who really care, i know that nobody wants to get hurt, and no one wants to hurt others; but sadly i've met people who are really out to hurt others. maybe i'll misunderstand some of my friends actions because of that. i don't know. even if, even for just a moment, you were true to me; because of that incident, the way things turned out, i'll probably hate you for the way things turned out. you can do the same to me, i wouldn't flinch or anything.
sighz. maybe it's time to ignite some passion that i once had... for sports, for music, for the things i loved. maybe there's none now, but... at least... lemme trick myself that i love studying... so that i have the motivation to mug dammit!
rawr.
15 November 2006
09 November 2006
好久没回到这里。
不知道为何今天又一股冲动回到此地。哈哈为什么我前面那句话听起来那么奇怪？好像要写什么深奥的作文似的。
明明有那么多东西要管，下个礼拜的大考都还没有着落。这次肯定万蛋的。但偏偏，不知为何。。。
往事无端端地在脑里出现。
是对过去的思念，还是只因压力太大，每当压力大的时候就会回想那些美好回忆？
我变了。我不像你们任何一个人所想象的那样。
我也跟两年前的我截然不同。
有太多东西明明不是我。却也不知不觉地变成了我。
感觉简直像个谜。
不愿意再次承认孤单。因为这样的话，就无法继续前进。
我要不断的往前走。就像当初心里理想的女强人一样。不要靠任何人的力量，勇敢的凭着自己的力量在这世上立足。我也不曾忘却这是件多么孤单的一件事。
人心是那么脆弱，却也那么善变。
我不明白为什么那么久以前的事会突然出现在面前。也完全无法了解其中的原因。我不是以前的我。我不像回到过去的我。虽然单纯愚蠢的我是那么的快乐，但到头来始终还是回到了原点。
我 不想再受伤害。这把自卫的声音比任何其他不像伤害其他人的声音来的强烈。身上长着刺猬的感觉是那么痛快却无奈。痛快并不是因伤害别人，而是因为自己知道 不会再受到伤害。就像是坐在一个玻璃房间一样，看得到世间上的是是非非，看得到别人欢喜流泪，那些感受却从不属于自己。不用担心明天是否会挨饿，或者天灾会 突然降临。这是因为生活得太过富裕，还是对世上的事物都感到厌烦呢？
明明远远抛在后头的回忆，为何又会再次回到脑海里呢？
请在离我远一点吧。直到我能够更爱自己，并学习如何爱他人。直到回忆不再让隐性泪水滑落，直到我能忘记什么叫做背叛与伤痛。
不知道为何今天又一股冲动回到此地。哈哈为什么我前面那句话听起来那么奇怪？好像要写什么深奥的作文似的。
明明有那么多东西要管，下个礼拜的大考都还没有着落。这次肯定万蛋的。但偏偏，不知为何。。。
往事无端端地在脑里出现。
是对过去的思念，还是只因压力太大，每当压力大的时候就会回想那些美好回忆？
我变了。我不像你们任何一个人所想象的那样。
我也跟两年前的我截然不同。
有太多东西明明不是我。却也不知不觉地变成了我。
感觉简直像个谜。
不愿意再次承认孤单。因为这样的话，就无法继续前进。
我要不断的往前走。就像当初心里理想的女强人一样。不要靠任何人的力量，勇敢的凭着自己的力量在这世上立足。我也不曾忘却这是件多么孤单的一件事。
人心是那么脆弱，却也那么善变。
我不明白为什么那么久以前的事会突然出现在面前。也完全无法了解其中的原因。我不是以前的我。我不像回到过去的我。虽然单纯愚蠢的我是那么的快乐，但到头来始终还是回到了原点。
我 不想再受伤害。这把自卫的声音比任何其他不像伤害其他人的声音来的强烈。身上长着刺猬的感觉是那么痛快却无奈。痛快并不是因伤害别人，而是因为自己知道 不会再受到伤害。就像是坐在一个玻璃房间一样，看得到世间上的是是非非，看得到别人欢喜流泪，那些感受却从不属于自己。不用担心明天是否会挨饿，或者天灾会 突然降临。这是因为生活得太过富裕，还是对世上的事物都感到厌烦呢？
明明远远抛在后头的回忆，为何又会再次回到脑海里呢？
请在离我远一点吧。直到我能够更爱自己，并学习如何爱他人。直到回忆不再让隐性泪水滑落，直到我能忘记什么叫做背叛与伤痛。
08 November 2006
09 October 2006
quoted from junyi's blog : "They say the more you look for something, the harder you will find it. And the more you hope to see someone, the lower the chance you will get to see him/her."
i can't help but to agree. probably despite having half of the world disagreeing with me n junyi.
well, if u never had expectations, u'll never know disappointment.
and the thing about one sided stuff... if u believe and understand that it'll stay as being one sided, why persist in doing it? it's tiring and u probably wouldn't reap any reward for it, so why? u'll save yourself all the trouble if u stop.
humans are full of contradictions.
i can't help but to agree. probably despite having half of the world disagreeing with me n junyi.
well, if u never had expectations, u'll never know disappointment.
and the thing about one sided stuff... if u believe and understand that it'll stay as being one sided, why persist in doing it? it's tiring and u probably wouldn't reap any reward for it, so why? u'll save yourself all the trouble if u stop.
humans are full of contradictions.
07 October 2006
ever heard of the theory? for every thing that happens, something would be taken in exchange. the principal of equivalent trade.
this means. for every single moment of happiness u get, u'll get a equivalent, if not, 10 times the sadness as compared to the moment of happiness u got.
that's y, never seek happiness, for u never know when ur luck will run out and suffer in sadness for the rest of your life.
i forgot that momentarily.
thanks for reminding me again.
this means. for every single moment of happiness u get, u'll get a equivalent, if not, 10 times the sadness as compared to the moment of happiness u got.
that's y, never seek happiness, for u never know when ur luck will run out and suffer in sadness for the rest of your life.
i forgot that momentarily.
thanks for reminding me again.
30 September 2006
i have enough of chain mails.
they usually put at the end of the mail... send it to xxx number of people, or else the wish will never come true, you will never find true happiness blah blah blah.
so what if that really happens?
life still goes on whether u're happy or not.
and on the other hand... there's a group of people that are unwilling to accept the responsibilities and the price to pay for being happy.
so this meaningless threat is nothing in their eyes in the first case.
how boring.
they usually put at the end of the mail... send it to xxx number of people, or else the wish will never come true, you will never find true happiness blah blah blah.
so what if that really happens?
life still goes on whether u're happy or not.
and on the other hand... there's a group of people that are unwilling to accept the responsibilities and the price to pay for being happy.
so this meaningless threat is nothing in their eyes in the first case.
how boring.
24 September 2006
够了。
我不是你的天使。
不愿再回忆旧伤痛，也不愿再让人触碰曾经受伤的心灵。
请你们都离我远一点吧。在我还没伤害你们之前。。。
我一直站在被你伤害的地方
歌手：辛欣 | 专辑：放120个心 | 词:许常德 | 曲:林东松
sally哭着说
他不再忍受
象一个影子擦掉自我
他不愿强夺别人的所有
但是爱人逼他犯错
感情在深陷时堕落
伤了人还不罢手直到自己碰到伤口
才懂无情的人对谁都一样的残忍懦弱
judy也放过爱他的malon
当他已决定去爱别人
没有了阴霾幸福很简单
但却拥抱一个心房
三个女人午夜交谈
有人会坚强情断
有人停止伤害对方
悲惨故事太平常
只是有人心聋目盲
不愿意收场
我一直站在被你伤害的地方
你一直留在让我哭泣的远方
爱一直停在你曾爱我的那晚
你曾经对我那么好
你说你爱我到老
现在我还忘不掉
什么天荒地老
不到最后不能知道
我不是你的天使。
不愿再回忆旧伤痛，也不愿再让人触碰曾经受伤的心灵。
请你们都离我远一点吧。在我还没伤害你们之前。。。
我一直站在被你伤害的地方
歌手：辛欣 | 专辑：放120个心 | 词:许常德 | 曲:林东松
sally哭着说
他不再忍受
象一个影子擦掉自我
他不愿强夺别人的所有
但是爱人逼他犯错
感情在深陷时堕落
伤了人还不罢手直到自己碰到伤口
才懂无情的人对谁都一样的残忍懦弱
judy也放过爱他的malon
当他已决定去爱别人
没有了阴霾幸福很简单
但却拥抱一个心房
三个女人午夜交谈
有人会坚强情断
有人停止伤害对方
悲惨故事太平常
只是有人心聋目盲
不愿意收场
我一直站在被你伤害的地方
你一直留在让我哭泣的远方
爱一直停在你曾爱我的那晚
你曾经对我那么好
你说你爱我到老
现在我还忘不掉
什么天荒地老
不到最后不能知道
09 September 2006
sheesh... since i'm going to take the japanese exam this year... y don't i try to write something in the pathetic japanese that i know...
私 はホーです。ナンヤン理工大学の学生です。専攻は電子電気工学です。今年の宿題はむずかしいですから、少し分かりません。それから、私も日本語を勉強し ます。日本語はおもしろいです。でも私は上手ではありません。沢山新しい言葉を覚えますから、とても大変です。私は日本語が大好きですから、がんばる よ。
haha pls correct my lousy grammer for those who understand japanese... XD
私 はホーです。ナンヤン理工大学の学生です。専攻は電子電気工学です。今年の宿題はむずかしいですから、少し分かりません。それから、私も日本語を勉強し ます。日本語はおもしろいです。でも私は上手ではありません。沢山新しい言葉を覚えますから、とても大変です。私は日本語が大好きですから、がんばる よ。
haha pls correct my lousy grammer for those who understand japanese... XD
07 September 2006
06 September 2006
04 September 2006
stop procrastinating.
currently now... should i say i'm damn stressed? exams coming, tuitees double exam fall on my exams as well, not feeling like turning up in school... jlpt... shet. i think i'm procrastinating and it doesn't help things but still... urgh. and my stomach hurts now... ='(
someone pls save me...
currently now... should i say i'm damn stressed? exams coming, tuitees double exam fall on my exams as well, not feeling like turning up in school... jlpt... shet. i think i'm procrastinating and it doesn't help things but still... urgh. and my stomach hurts now... ='(
someone pls save me...
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