我什么都不是。所以从头到尾都不应该抱有任何期待。
单单努力也未必有成果，既然如此，为何要为那遥远又抓不到的目标努力？不如就此放弃，这样一来失望的时候也不会那么痛苦。
或许是我一时间太过勇敢了吧，竟然会妄想，以为自己比别人好。现在好了啦，算是自己活该吧。
看来，单单一直往前走，不回头看，还是不够的。
06 September 2006
04 September 2006
stop procrastinating.
currently now... should i say i'm damn stressed? exams coming, tuitees double exam fall on my exams as well, not feeling like turning up in school... jlpt... shet. i think i'm procrastinating and it doesn't help things but still... urgh. and my stomach hurts now... ='(
someone pls save me...
currently now... should i say i'm damn stressed? exams coming, tuitees double exam fall on my exams as well, not feeling like turning up in school... jlpt... shet. i think i'm procrastinating and it doesn't help things but still... urgh. and my stomach hurts now... ='(
someone pls save me...
21 August 2006
so much for stealth, i thought silently. a hand grabbed my arm from behind. i span around, only to realise that it was only her.
she looked into my eyes, determined to bring me to her fiancee. i shoke off her grip defiantly. she hesitated, then said resigned tone, "well, i can always pretend i never found you."
i gratefully turned my back towards her, and headed for the exit. i opened the door, which was the only way out of the hotel room we were both in, and headed into the corridor. upon hearing footsteps, i dived into the nearest place i could hide -- through an unlocked door, into a small passageway half hidden along the corridor.
i could hear the movement of gears in the background. the place was dimly lit, for it did not even require the presence of light in the first place. a small carriage of baggage transported by the cable above me and it almost ran over me. i looked around for a possible exit out of this maze i had unwittingly entered...
why am i running away? from the girl, my best friend... the one who is most important to me... from that fiancee. that horrible man who took my most important person from me. well, i'm well aware that i have to let her go someday anyway, just that this man... the thought of him made my blood boil.
i figured my way along the corridor, trying to feel my way around with my hands. suddenly, faintly i saw another figure ahead of me looking shocked that i was too, in the same tunnel as she is.
"what? u're trapped here too?"
strange as it is, she became my new companion. our only goal was to escape from this maze of baggage.
today is the day. the day my dearest friend was to be officially engaged with that man. i can safely say that both me and her fiancee were well aware of each other's hostility, and unfortunately, i do not have the power and wealth like her fiancee. so i had no choice but to slide silently into the shadows, silently guarding my best friend, trying to hide my feelings towards her.
me and my new companion found something that looked like an exit : a strange looking slide with a golden rod above the slide. my companion took the slide first, i followed, only to realise i was somehow stuck at the top of the slide. must be my huge butt -- despite people claiming huge butts means easy delivery or what crap. or it's the work of some superglue... nevertherless it was most likely my only means of escape. i tried to haul my butt to get myself some momentum, but to no avail.
"hurry, you don't have much time..." at this time, i felt someone right behind me, giving me a slight push. i was sure that there was no one behind me... but i didn't have time to wonder if the one behind me was a human or a ghost or anything else. down the slide i went, but i only found myself in another dimly lit room, leading to a flight of stairs down to the bottom of the hotel building.
i knew time was running out. i had to stop their engagement! both me and my companion ran down the stairs, and i started formulating my plan of "sabotage". i knew my best friend would probably hate me for this, but at the very least, i should let my feelings reach her. yet the only obstacle would be that fiancee of hers. with his power he would probably have sealed all the exits of the hotel building to catch me. i have to take another route then... if i ever get caught it might be the end of everything.
without letting my companion realise anything, i went through the door next to the stairs i saw on my way down, into another corridor. if my memory didn't fail me, the hotel building and the neighbouring building are inter-connected by a series of passageways. i smiled to myself, thinking that victory would be mine. i came to the end of the corridor, and went down to the bottom of the stairs at the end of the corridor. just as i opened the door to the lobby of the building, i heard more footsteps.
darn. it must be the security guard. i hid behind the shadows of the reception counter, and the guard didn't seem to notice me. great. as he turned out of sight, i ran towards the exit of the building...
at this instance, the shutters of the exit dropped down suddenly. i couldn't make it through the exit in time. i am trapped.
then i heard footsteps behind me. "good job," the voice i had loathed so much, praised the security guard's work. i turned around and glared at the man i hated most in my entire life, with my best friend by his side.
he sneered, "i knew you would not fall into our hands so easily in the hotel we were in. so i guessed u would take the hidden passageway into this building, that's why i told the guard here to seal all exits as well. hahaha... any last words you have to say?"
my best friend tried to protest, but he stopped her. "no, from now onwards u don't need a friend like her."
i gritted my teeth, furious at that careless comment he made. "no. that's not for you to decide." i grabbed my friend's hand, and ran for the series of maze again. when i've gone deep enough into that baggage maze, and sure that we would not be pursued, i turned to my best friend. she was gasping for breath, but a little amused at what happened.
after catching my breath, i tried to steady myself before my confession. "actually... i don't want you to get married to him."
"i know... it's pretty obvious." she half giggled.
i smiled, for the first time in a few months.
i continued, "actually, there's something i want to tell you."
"what is it?"
"i know... you might hate me for this... but... actually... i like you..."
"yeah... i like you too."
"no no... not that kind of friendship like... it's... different."
she looked a littled stunned. a period of awkward silence followed.
i tried to break that silence. "i... just wanted to let u know that... that's all. u can go back and get married to him..."
".... no... it's not like that... actually... i'm also hesitating as to whether i really want to get married to him..."
i raised an eyebrow. i thought she liked him so much, then why the hesitation?
she replied as if she understood my thoughts. "i knew i wasn't perfect enough for him. i'm scared... that he'll shun away from me once he knew what kind of person i really am after our marriage..."
she paused, then continued, "but for you it's different... i guess..."
i smiled at that. "nah, u're an angel to me, why would he shun away from you?"
she fidgeted and said in a squeaky voice... "actually i'm not an angel... i'm ugly..."
"no u're not. don't worry..."
"no u don't understand... i..."
she ripped open the top of her blouse and...
all i see is a thick forest of chest hair.
WHAT? HAIR ON A GIRL'S CHEST?!
essentially that was the dream i had yesterday. wonders. so i'm a lesbian? LOL. and dreams. are. weird. -_-
sorry for the weird english phrasing and lack of punctuation and grammer. oh well, who cares.
she looked into my eyes, determined to bring me to her fiancee. i shoke off her grip defiantly. she hesitated, then said resigned tone, "well, i can always pretend i never found you."
i gratefully turned my back towards her, and headed for the exit. i opened the door, which was the only way out of the hotel room we were both in, and headed into the corridor. upon hearing footsteps, i dived into the nearest place i could hide -- through an unlocked door, into a small passageway half hidden along the corridor.
i could hear the movement of gears in the background. the place was dimly lit, for it did not even require the presence of light in the first place. a small carriage of baggage transported by the cable above me and it almost ran over me. i looked around for a possible exit out of this maze i had unwittingly entered...
why am i running away? from the girl, my best friend... the one who is most important to me... from that fiancee. that horrible man who took my most important person from me. well, i'm well aware that i have to let her go someday anyway, just that this man... the thought of him made my blood boil.
i figured my way along the corridor, trying to feel my way around with my hands. suddenly, faintly i saw another figure ahead of me looking shocked that i was too, in the same tunnel as she is.
"what? u're trapped here too?"
strange as it is, she became my new companion. our only goal was to escape from this maze of baggage.
today is the day. the day my dearest friend was to be officially engaged with that man. i can safely say that both me and her fiancee were well aware of each other's hostility, and unfortunately, i do not have the power and wealth like her fiancee. so i had no choice but to slide silently into the shadows, silently guarding my best friend, trying to hide my feelings towards her.
me and my new companion found something that looked like an exit : a strange looking slide with a golden rod above the slide. my companion took the slide first, i followed, only to realise i was somehow stuck at the top of the slide. must be my huge butt -- despite people claiming huge butts means easy delivery or what crap. or it's the work of some superglue... nevertherless it was most likely my only means of escape. i tried to haul my butt to get myself some momentum, but to no avail.
"hurry, you don't have much time..." at this time, i felt someone right behind me, giving me a slight push. i was sure that there was no one behind me... but i didn't have time to wonder if the one behind me was a human or a ghost or anything else. down the slide i went, but i only found myself in another dimly lit room, leading to a flight of stairs down to the bottom of the hotel building.
i knew time was running out. i had to stop their engagement! both me and my companion ran down the stairs, and i started formulating my plan of "sabotage". i knew my best friend would probably hate me for this, but at the very least, i should let my feelings reach her. yet the only obstacle would be that fiancee of hers. with his power he would probably have sealed all the exits of the hotel building to catch me. i have to take another route then... if i ever get caught it might be the end of everything.
without letting my companion realise anything, i went through the door next to the stairs i saw on my way down, into another corridor. if my memory didn't fail me, the hotel building and the neighbouring building are inter-connected by a series of passageways. i smiled to myself, thinking that victory would be mine. i came to the end of the corridor, and went down to the bottom of the stairs at the end of the corridor. just as i opened the door to the lobby of the building, i heard more footsteps.
darn. it must be the security guard. i hid behind the shadows of the reception counter, and the guard didn't seem to notice me. great. as he turned out of sight, i ran towards the exit of the building...
at this instance, the shutters of the exit dropped down suddenly. i couldn't make it through the exit in time. i am trapped.
then i heard footsteps behind me. "good job," the voice i had loathed so much, praised the security guard's work. i turned around and glared at the man i hated most in my entire life, with my best friend by his side.
he sneered, "i knew you would not fall into our hands so easily in the hotel we were in. so i guessed u would take the hidden passageway into this building, that's why i told the guard here to seal all exits as well. hahaha... any last words you have to say?"
my best friend tried to protest, but he stopped her. "no, from now onwards u don't need a friend like her."
i gritted my teeth, furious at that careless comment he made. "no. that's not for you to decide." i grabbed my friend's hand, and ran for the series of maze again. when i've gone deep enough into that baggage maze, and sure that we would not be pursued, i turned to my best friend. she was gasping for breath, but a little amused at what happened.
after catching my breath, i tried to steady myself before my confession. "actually... i don't want you to get married to him."
"i know... it's pretty obvious." she half giggled.
i smiled, for the first time in a few months.
i continued, "actually, there's something i want to tell you."
"what is it?"
"i know... you might hate me for this... but... actually... i like you..."
"yeah... i like you too."
"no no... not that kind of friendship like... it's... different."
she looked a littled stunned. a period of awkward silence followed.
i tried to break that silence. "i... just wanted to let u know that... that's all. u can go back and get married to him..."
".... no... it's not like that... actually... i'm also hesitating as to whether i really want to get married to him..."
i raised an eyebrow. i thought she liked him so much, then why the hesitation?
she replied as if she understood my thoughts. "i knew i wasn't perfect enough for him. i'm scared... that he'll shun away from me once he knew what kind of person i really am after our marriage..."
she paused, then continued, "but for you it's different... i guess..."
i smiled at that. "nah, u're an angel to me, why would he shun away from you?"
she fidgeted and said in a squeaky voice... "actually i'm not an angel... i'm ugly..."
"no u're not. don't worry..."
"no u don't understand... i..."
she ripped open the top of her blouse and...
all i see is a thick forest of chest hair.
WHAT? HAIR ON A GIRL'S CHEST?!
essentially that was the dream i had yesterday. wonders. so i'm a lesbian? LOL. and dreams. are. weird. -_-
sorry for the weird english phrasing and lack of punctuation and grammer. oh well, who cares.
16 August 2006
31 July 2006
i had a dream last night.
i dreamt i was loved by a prince and a beast.
at the same time i fell in love with an ordinary man along the street who went away just after i knew him.
the prince was like all clique stories, princely. however he was extremely bad-tempered, and has no respect for others especially girls. and he will not hesitate to hit girls either.
the beast though was the king of all monsters and animals, even though he was ugly, and whenever he tried to get close to me, i'll get into a fit, but he was kind and considerate and keeps his distance so that i will not get into fits.
however the man i loved, whom i didn't even know the name, had left for a remote country overseas just when i started liking him.
me and my friends went to visit a fortune teller. i had a wish hidden deep in my heart, i wished that man would return to me.
the fortune teller said that my wish is hard to fulfill, but there is hope for it.
which i thought was all a lie.
if all these happened in real life, who would you choose in the end? the prince in other people's eyes who was violent? or the beast that was gentle? or would it be your love that is totally out of reach of your hands?
i would just stay at where i am and choose neither.
i dreamt i was loved by a prince and a beast.
at the same time i fell in love with an ordinary man along the street who went away just after i knew him.
the prince was like all clique stories, princely. however he was extremely bad-tempered, and has no respect for others especially girls. and he will not hesitate to hit girls either.
the beast though was the king of all monsters and animals, even though he was ugly, and whenever he tried to get close to me, i'll get into a fit, but he was kind and considerate and keeps his distance so that i will not get into fits.
however the man i loved, whom i didn't even know the name, had left for a remote country overseas just when i started liking him.
me and my friends went to visit a fortune teller. i had a wish hidden deep in my heart, i wished that man would return to me.
the fortune teller said that my wish is hard to fulfill, but there is hope for it.
which i thought was all a lie.
if all these happened in real life, who would you choose in the end? the prince in other people's eyes who was violent? or the beast that was gentle? or would it be your love that is totally out of reach of your hands?
i would just stay at where i am and choose neither.
25 July 2006
21 July 2006
19 July 2006
tell me i'm dumb.
i've always known that i'm really bad at time management, and i really don't have a good sense of time. but how blur can i get?!!!
actually i'm a little frustrated with my holidays now... i wanna go back to school asap so that i wouldn't lie around doing nothing except to watch anime play games n piss my mum off... i really wanted to start studying or do something more productive...
and i though my school holidays would end on 24 july... which is next week.
the realisation only struck me this morning at 1am.
school only starts on 7 august.
AND THAT'S A FREAKING 3 WEEKS AWAY INSTEAD OF LESS THAN 1 WEEK AWAY!!!
urrrragh! *starts fumbling with hair frantically*
how dumb can i get?! -_-
but in the meantime, i'm kept busy with my anime blog... do go check out, tag and leave comments... actually i'll prefer comments... they'll last for eternity as long as my blog is there... haha! there's so many anime i'm watching currently that i don't even have the time and effort to blog everything i watch! but if i blog my entire day away it seems like i'm neglecting other stuff... like cleaning up my room... *which i had postponed infinitely till further notice...*
and i need to finish ffx-2!!!kh2... "completed"... i skipped the quests part for kh2... fought the final boss just to see the perfect ending... and guess what?! my disc jammed when i was watching the final cg movie. drats it. -_- if i had known it, i wouldn't have restarted my entire game just to watch the movie... i would have gone to youtube to look at the ending and not waste my precious time replaying everything. -_-''' now i'm stuck at the boring quests part of ffx-2... before fighting the final boss... if the disc jams anytime now i'll really go "RARRR!" on the ps2... grrrr~
yeap so that's an update on my boring life. nothing much to talk about anyway, i'm staying at home as much as i can... becoming a hermit, just like my assassin's third class job in maple. opps what am i talking about? -_- and i think the rainy season is back again... makes me not want to wake up every morning... makes me feel like skipping work... -_- and is there a way to lose weight without doing much exercise, not skipping meals and not stopping myself from eating the things i like? LOL~ i guess i'm just dreaming in my little own world. -_-
actually i'm a little frustrated with my holidays now... i wanna go back to school asap so that i wouldn't lie around doing nothing except to watch anime play games n piss my mum off... i really wanted to start studying or do something more productive...
and i though my school holidays would end on 24 july... which is next week.
the realisation only struck me this morning at 1am.
school only starts on 7 august.
AND THAT'S A FREAKING 3 WEEKS AWAY INSTEAD OF LESS THAN 1 WEEK AWAY!!!
urrrragh! *starts fumbling with hair frantically*
how dumb can i get?! -_-
but in the meantime, i'm kept busy with my anime blog... do go check out, tag and leave comments... actually i'll prefer comments... they'll last for eternity as long as my blog is there... haha! there's so many anime i'm watching currently that i don't even have the time and effort to blog everything i watch! but if i blog my entire day away it seems like i'm neglecting other stuff... like cleaning up my room... *which i had postponed infinitely till further notice...*
and i need to finish ffx-2!!!kh2... "completed"... i skipped the quests part for kh2... fought the final boss just to see the perfect ending... and guess what?! my disc jammed when i was watching the final cg movie. drats it. -_- if i had known it, i wouldn't have restarted my entire game just to watch the movie... i would have gone to youtube to look at the ending and not waste my precious time replaying everything. -_-''' now i'm stuck at the boring quests part of ffx-2... before fighting the final boss... if the disc jams anytime now i'll really go "RARRR!" on the ps2... grrrr~
yeap so that's an update on my boring life. nothing much to talk about anyway, i'm staying at home as much as i can... becoming a hermit, just like my assassin's third class job in maple. opps what am i talking about? -_- and i think the rainy season is back again... makes me not want to wake up every morning... makes me feel like skipping work... -_- and is there a way to lose weight without doing much exercise, not skipping meals and not stopping myself from eating the things i like? LOL~ i guess i'm just dreaming in my little own world. -_-
13 July 2006
假期三个月，我的生活似乎变得颓废。
并不是因为闲得发慌，天天都有很多东西等着我去做，甚至感到时间不够。目标也不是没有，每天的目标就是要完成那天该做的事。如果那天在打工，目标就是能尽早收工回家。*哈哈那多像我的作风~*
只是。。。
长远的未来，对我来说似乎还是个未知数。
学校假期即将结束，假期前为自己设下的目标似乎都没达到；例如事先读好日文，天天打工赚外块--这样就不必跟父母拿零用钱。。。这些所谓的“目标”并没有 达到。目前我的工作薪水不高，一个星期工作不到五天，不过都感觉非常疲惫。终于明白，赚钱不容易。打工后，不是看漫画，看书，就是看动画片，总是轮不到读 日文。。。
总觉得，普通人的假期应该是常常出门，与朋友相聚玩乐的时光。可是，不大善于社交的我却偏爱待在家里，做些无聊的事情。。。或许是对世界感到厌倦，有些时 候早上一睁开眼就有种“啊啊，我还活在这个世上啊~”的感觉。说起来好像有点可笑，好像是在等死这样。不知道是因为我最近所阅读的《灼眼的夏娜》有关，还 是自己悲观到极限。
对世界一点期望也没有。正确的来说，是不要对这世界报有任何期望。不想被世间琐事所困扰，不愿受到伤害。这就是人们所谓的“达到最高境界”吗？
目前的我对现状没有任何不满，在朋友眼里看起来是相当幸福的。或许这真是如此，或许只是个假象。而我不想再想太多，只希望这种平平淡淡的生活不受干扰，继续活在自己的世界里。。。
并不是因为闲得发慌，天天都有很多东西等着我去做，甚至感到时间不够。目标也不是没有，每天的目标就是要完成那天该做的事。如果那天在打工，目标就是能尽早收工回家。*哈哈那多像我的作风~*
只是。。。
长远的未来，对我来说似乎还是个未知数。
学校假期即将结束，假期前为自己设下的目标似乎都没达到；例如事先读好日文，天天打工赚外块--这样就不必跟父母拿零用钱。。。这些所谓的“目标”并没有 达到。目前我的工作薪水不高，一个星期工作不到五天，不过都感觉非常疲惫。终于明白，赚钱不容易。打工后，不是看漫画，看书，就是看动画片，总是轮不到读 日文。。。
总觉得，普通人的假期应该是常常出门，与朋友相聚玩乐的时光。可是，不大善于社交的我却偏爱待在家里，做些无聊的事情。。。或许是对世界感到厌倦，有些时 候早上一睁开眼就有种“啊啊，我还活在这个世上啊~”的感觉。说起来好像有点可笑，好像是在等死这样。不知道是因为我最近所阅读的《灼眼的夏娜》有关，还 是自己悲观到极限。
对世界一点期望也没有。正确的来说，是不要对这世界报有任何期望。不想被世间琐事所困扰，不愿受到伤害。这就是人们所谓的“达到最高境界”吗？
目前的我对现状没有任何不满，在朋友眼里看起来是相当幸福的。或许这真是如此，或许只是个假象。而我不想再想太多，只希望这种平平淡淡的生活不受干扰，继续活在自己的世界里。。。
10 July 2006
belief o matic
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09 July 2006
08 July 2006
aozoranoshita...
yes! my anime blog is finally up and running... still need to tweak with the scripts here and there... especially wrt to the categories... it's driving me mad... but still i suppose it's not bad a start...
here's the url:
～青空の下～ anime blog
hope u guys like it... the template is really simple cos i really have no idea how the script works for blogsome... haha~
i'll still be back to post here once in a while... but since now i have to spend more time online, i suppose i should be able to blog more here as well... oh well... haha~
till then... =)
here's the url:
～青空の下～ anime blog
hope u guys like it... the template is really simple cos i really have no idea how the script works for blogsome... haha~
i'll still be back to post here once in a while... but since now i have to spend more time online, i suppose i should be able to blog more here as well... oh well... haha~
till then... =)
06 July 2006
geez...
*note: i gave up early this morning trying to post here, reposting this saved post*
hmmms... i don't know what's wrong with my browser or blogger... but apparently i can't post my entry here... so i'm retyping this in hope that i get to publish this...
at 2:53am in the morning i'm still awake... cos i'm vexing over whether to start an anime blog or not. and this would definitely take a lot of time out of me... need to come up with new design, and figure out how to organise entries... i've been refering to other pple's anime blogs as a guide, but somehow i'm not exactly satisfied with the functions blogger offer...
however i hope that even if i eventually do start on an anime blog, i will not let this place rot and disintegrate...
i was quite surprised when naveen smsed me a few days ago regarding my blog entry on losing my drive to blog... i guess he regained his motivation to blog after losing it to ns... maybe that's y he tried to talk to me about it, but all the free time i had was spent on anime manga games going out and not blogging... so it's a matter of whether i had the intention or not. but i don't. and i'm not the only one who had lost the drive to blog.. weijie, nico n jon apparently have left their blogs to the spiders as well... mine... only a few mushrooms had gathered.... so... hahaha~
anyway, in this unearthly hour, i can only spare such few words to try and wrap up the millions of thoughts i have currently... and with that pls pray hard that i'll wake up for work tml at 12 and not to be clumsy... oyasuminasai~
hmmms... i don't know what's wrong with my browser or blogger... but apparently i can't post my entry here... so i'm retyping this in hope that i get to publish this...
at 2:53am in the morning i'm still awake... cos i'm vexing over whether to start an anime blog or not. and this would definitely take a lot of time out of me... need to come up with new design, and figure out how to organise entries... i've been refering to other pple's anime blogs as a guide, but somehow i'm not exactly satisfied with the functions blogger offer...
however i hope that even if i eventually do start on an anime blog, i will not let this place rot and disintegrate...
i was quite surprised when naveen smsed me a few days ago regarding my blog entry on losing my drive to blog... i guess he regained his motivation to blog after losing it to ns... maybe that's y he tried to talk to me about it, but all the free time i had was spent on anime manga games going out and not blogging... so it's a matter of whether i had the intention or not. but i don't. and i'm not the only one who had lost the drive to blog.. weijie, nico n jon apparently have left their blogs to the spiders as well... mine... only a few mushrooms had gathered.... so... hahaha~
anyway, in this unearthly hour, i can only spare such few words to try and wrap up the millions of thoughts i have currently... and with that pls pray hard that i'll wake up for work tml at 12 and not to be clumsy... oyasuminasai~
07 June 2006
just a quickie...
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personality tests by similarminds.com
for a while i've been wondering on what i should blog and what i should leave inside my heart... at one point in time i thought of even leaving this blog as it is and not blogging anymore... reason being... there are some thoughts that i want to express, but i do not want some people to see/hear about it... and besides, if readers do trace my previous entries *way back to last year* most of my entries were the boring details on my life...
and so i wonder... y do i blog about my life on my online blog for everyone to see? it's boring and i don't think pple out there will be interested. besides, maybe it's time i should have more privacy and not show my thoughts to the world out there.
or so i thought.
there had been so many things i wanted to express my views on... but these were mere passing thoughts... one moment i thought of blogging it, next moment i'm preoccupied with something else. then i eventually lose track of what i wanted to blog on originally and then i lost the "motivation" to blog for that day. this has happened countless times... i wonder if this is a sign that i'm growing up or that i'm busier and stuff...
i realise that i try to keep details of my current life out of my blog. ironically, some of my friends who do pass by this blog might be looking out to see whether i'm doing well presently... yet, i feel sort of... uneasy... these days... since i don't want those people i'm not willing to share my life with to know what i'm doing now... thus the "battle" within me... i hesitate about whether i want to blog about the things i like... the anime i am crazy about at the present moment, the games i'm going crazy over, or my rumblings on the weather and work and schooling... it's strange why things had to turn out this way...
originally this blog was meant to be a special place for me to vent my thoughts. my deepest thoughts. initally i kept quiet about it, and only 1 person knew about it... later i realised that there are those who found out about my little private space and secretly read all my entries but did not let me know they're aware of my blog. then i finally was aware of it when me and that person became good friends, and i changed the content of my blog so that i could let other people to read about it... and it became a more "open" blog. but now i want back my private space. some solutions would be... to write in a diary. but the reason why i did not keep the diary in the first place was because i was afraid of my family's prying eyes... though i know i could trust them... yet i feel a little uneasy about leaving my thoughts written down in pen and paper lying around in my house.
then again, similarly, now i'm starting to feel a little uneasy about leaving my thoughts lying around in this virtual world where not only my family could access, but the rest of the world. there are private entries which only i myself could access, but if i let all my entries become private then it seems weird for me to even own a blog. besides, there are alot of issues to tackle with... like for example, though my blog is a place for me to "publish" my inner thoughts, i still have to bear responsibility for the things i write here.
in addition, it is indeed quite time consuming to blog. though this is the same as writing diary entries, but for diary entries since it's that private, i feel ok if i just end anyway i do... for blogging i feel responsible for tying up the loose knots after discussing some issue and stuff and i do not like to end abruptly... even when i've lost the train of thought to type, but i still have to force the words out of myself to make things complete...
perhaps i'm now tired of doing things for the sake of doing...? who knows... haha...
maybe it's a sign that i no longer feel the rush of emotions flowing through me anymore... ever since two years ago...
jc life was fun and fulfilling... unlike uni life where we get so much free time to allocate ourselves... it's ok if we neglect our studies... no body pushes you these days in uni... i'm a little afraid that i might become too slack. just talk about studies... my grades are dropping and i'm a little scared. afraid i might not be able to continue taking the accelerated program.
ok sorry i digress.
back to the topic on blogging... i thought of changing my current blog to anime blog = meaning i blog about anime episodes instead of having my own thoughts and life posted online... but this idea always remained as an idea. the work involved is simply too great and seems to take a lot of time out of me... imagine typing one entry per episode per anime... i currently watch at least 5 ongoing anime series, plus i like to have anime marathon of the completed series... besides watching and reviewing, i have to take screenshots... omg the amount of work is... =S so that idea is put off until further notice...
the anime blog idea was so that i could still express my thoughts, except the things i talk about now are a little further from me... it's not exactly about my current life but about something other anime lovers could understand. perhaps it's just an alternative for me to avoid talking about myself. perhaps i just want to shut others from my world except those i feel comfortable with.
with that, i've run out of things to say for now... i shall return some time soon i hope... =)
and so i wonder... y do i blog about my life on my online blog for everyone to see? it's boring and i don't think pple out there will be interested. besides, maybe it's time i should have more privacy and not show my thoughts to the world out there.
or so i thought.
there had been so many things i wanted to express my views on... but these were mere passing thoughts... one moment i thought of blogging it, next moment i'm preoccupied with something else. then i eventually lose track of what i wanted to blog on originally and then i lost the "motivation" to blog for that day. this has happened countless times... i wonder if this is a sign that i'm growing up or that i'm busier and stuff...
i realise that i try to keep details of my current life out of my blog. ironically, some of my friends who do pass by this blog might be looking out to see whether i'm doing well presently... yet, i feel sort of... uneasy... these days... since i don't want those people i'm not willing to share my life with to know what i'm doing now... thus the "battle" within me... i hesitate about whether i want to blog about the things i like... the anime i am crazy about at the present moment, the games i'm going crazy over, or my rumblings on the weather and work and schooling... it's strange why things had to turn out this way...
originally this blog was meant to be a special place for me to vent my thoughts. my deepest thoughts. initally i kept quiet about it, and only 1 person knew about it... later i realised that there are those who found out about my little private space and secretly read all my entries but did not let me know they're aware of my blog. then i finally was aware of it when me and that person became good friends, and i changed the content of my blog so that i could let other people to read about it... and it became a more "open" blog. but now i want back my private space. some solutions would be... to write in a diary. but the reason why i did not keep the diary in the first place was because i was afraid of my family's prying eyes... though i know i could trust them... yet i feel a little uneasy about leaving my thoughts written down in pen and paper lying around in my house.
then again, similarly, now i'm starting to feel a little uneasy about leaving my thoughts lying around in this virtual world where not only my family could access, but the rest of the world. there are private entries which only i myself could access, but if i let all my entries become private then it seems weird for me to even own a blog. besides, there are alot of issues to tackle with... like for example, though my blog is a place for me to "publish" my inner thoughts, i still have to bear responsibility for the things i write here.
in addition, it is indeed quite time consuming to blog. though this is the same as writing diary entries, but for diary entries since it's that private, i feel ok if i just end anyway i do... for blogging i feel responsible for tying up the loose knots after discussing some issue and stuff and i do not like to end abruptly... even when i've lost the train of thought to type, but i still have to force the words out of myself to make things complete...
perhaps i'm now tired of doing things for the sake of doing...? who knows... haha...
maybe it's a sign that i no longer feel the rush of emotions flowing through me anymore... ever since two years ago...
jc life was fun and fulfilling... unlike uni life where we get so much free time to allocate ourselves... it's ok if we neglect our studies... no body pushes you these days in uni... i'm a little afraid that i might become too slack. just talk about studies... my grades are dropping and i'm a little scared. afraid i might not be able to continue taking the accelerated program.
ok sorry i digress.
back to the topic on blogging... i thought of changing my current blog to anime blog = meaning i blog about anime episodes instead of having my own thoughts and life posted online... but this idea always remained as an idea. the work involved is simply too great and seems to take a lot of time out of me... imagine typing one entry per episode per anime... i currently watch at least 5 ongoing anime series, plus i like to have anime marathon of the completed series... besides watching and reviewing, i have to take screenshots... omg the amount of work is... =S so that idea is put off until further notice...
the anime blog idea was so that i could still express my thoughts, except the things i talk about now are a little further from me... it's not exactly about my current life but about something other anime lovers could understand. perhaps it's just an alternative for me to avoid talking about myself. perhaps i just want to shut others from my world except those i feel comfortable with.
with that, i've run out of things to say for now... i shall return some time soon i hope... =)
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