you mentioned that you felt weird.
to tell the truth i felt weird too.
maybe i didn't know what i truly wanted.
i don't know whether you felt the same way.
what does it mean to be together?
could it be our expectations were too different?
i don't know... haha.
i suppose it is?

i must admit my actions these days might just be a reflection of how i am actually confused with what i want.
i want personal time, but i want time off with you too.
i want someone by my side when i need him...
i guess you wanted that person too.
but am i beside you when you needed me?
this i don't know...

i wonder if this is how you feel too...

wow, it's been a long time since i blogged about song lyrics...

can't wait for S.H.E's new album!!! XD










沿海公路的出口
歌手：S.H.E. 作词:黄建洲

用一盒火柴烧一场蜃楼　
藉这场大雨让自己逃走
慌茫公路无人的漂泊　
寂寞海啸 把我卷走

用一段感情换一个朋友　
每一句再见割一道伤口
躺在万劫不复的街头　
微笑参透 覆水难收

倘若说放一次手　就像咳一个咳嗽
我又何苦在乎得不到的温柔

我坐在公路的出口　
等待天黑以后 无边的寂寞
连想你都是种残酷切磋

我目送沿海的日落　
紧抱一个醉生 梦死的枕头
留不住回忆却学不会放手 怎么走

i'm sorry i lied.
i lied i had runny nose. but...
i guess you were right.



what's love?
does my actions reflect my true feelings?
how do i truly feel?



you were always the one who knew how i truly felt.

was it the same the other way round?

i felt i wasn't up to your expectations.

i'm starting to wonder and doubt myself.
like whether i'm a good gf in the first place.
saying sorry doesn't help.

actions speak more than words.
what can i do to seek your forgiveness?


maybe i shouldn't be forgiven...













please. be strong.

haha i just saw hwui zhi's comment on my tagboard... well i haven't really been blogging cos i'm pretty tied down to school work, relationship n the ps2 i just borrowed from yuchun for 2 years... haha! not exactly the best combi i must say, almost every day leaves me drained of my energy. but oh well, i'm learning something new everyday... =) though there's always this little wish that everyday is not just 24hrs but 48 hours... meaning more time for rest each day... ha!

so yups, a short post to start the day! somehow i forgot wad i had wanted to blog about initially... haha! alamak i must be getting really old... 3 second fish memory =X

though it's been such a long time... i'm disgusted at how bo sim you still are.
yah it's true u're probably lazy...
but telling lies to cover up your laziness is just so irritatingly annoying.
but i'm glad this happened, it made me appreciate what i have in front of me more... =))
i guess someone people just never change.

Thanks for the wonderful day... ^^

Sorry for not getting something for u... =X

But i still hope you enjoyed our special day =)) irirlu~

so many thoughts after my first hrm tutorial.

hrm was shit... i mean... hrm IS shit. what is hrm? hrm = human resource management. it is the field of study that focuses on the applications of Organizational Behaviour (OB) theories and principles in organizations. omfg i remembered that straight off the textbook. that's the power of MH.

(those who ask what/who is MH? all i can tell u is that you can take it as Morning Horizon. or even My Happiness. wth. >.<)

but the approach MH takes (though pretty unique... that's a nice way of putting it... eccentric maybe? that's still a pretty nice way of putting it still.. ha!) does invoke loads of thinking on my part. which was wad MH wanted to achieve... MH wanted us to abandon all our assumptions and learn to question. i was not inquisitive enough. this brings to mind (let's forget about the business market... ahh business environment is the outside environment, including customers, competitors, suppliers and distributors, which all impact on organizational detail... vomit from textbook again) how i'm always stuck in conversations and find conversing with strangers tiring. MH brought up how upon seeing someone for the first time MH would have 20 questions for that person. starting from probably "what's your name?" it branches out to 5 more questions. wad about me? if i ever squeeze out a question to try to strike conversation with a total stranger i'll be stuck after that. which was why i felt conversations were so tiring, i simply lack the inquisitive nature which i feel everybody has when they came to the world, but due to the circumstances we went through that nature was almost completely buried. so now the question is... how do we bring back that nature to us?

for a moment a funny thought came to mind... go onto the mrt and observe people... and formulate the possible questions you can think off just by looking at one of the strangers on mrts...

(and i feel it's absolutely interesting to just observe people on public transport like mrt and buses... there's so many things that u can see! like the way people dress... or the way they sit... and observe how people talk to each other... so interesting! hees)






and then, for this project i had, i was sort of involuntarily the leader of the group (i was the first name in the group haha) it felt totally weird and uneasy on my part, since from young i was sort of labeled having no leadership qualities... or so i thought. come on, i'm not someone who likes to explain every single action i do to others, i expect others to just follow me (and i lead by example) and i'm an introvert. i like to keep things to myself. all these are a no-no for leaders isn't it. but a part in me wants to be a leader. i don't like to follow orders or confinements. i have this desire to break these barriers. one of the ways i do so is with my dressing. haha this brings to mind... today i purposely chose to wear a rather bright red shirt matched with black cardigan and skirt when i knew everybody else would be wearing light colours like white or light blue or something. i just wanted to be different, to look brighter when i do my presentation, i don't want to be similar to others. i want to show i have an identity. so maybe that's why i don't want to simply be a follower. i want to be somebody different... (a leader in this sense? i dunno)

but look at me! during team discussions i choose to step aside and listen to what others have to say (and in the process i get lost in their conversations... it's so tiring to pay attention to wad others have to say sometimes) i choose to become the so called 便利贴女孩 that doesn't like to be different or doesn't express her opinion but choose to follow. what happened to the part of me that wants to be different?

because my ideas had been rejected previously? because i am afraid of giving wrong answer or wrong opinions? all these no! it was simply because i lacked initiative to even open my mouth. being different doesn't necessarily mean being difficult. i am afraid of bringing trouble to others. (or so i claim hahahaha) but by disputing other people's opinion or to question their ideas is to a certain extent bringing trouble to them since they have to think more thoroughly about their ideas. but so? is that wrong? they'll hate me for that? (some may... sadly... haha) i dunno...

or maybe it was my low self esteem playing in the shadows... i don't really want others to dislike me probably...

and so i question myself. do i really lack leadership qualities just like the way those people who "labeled "me had said? i admit i'm more of an introvert... but not by nature. this i am very clear. though a really long deal of shit i would say... i became an introvert. i want this to change. i want to be able to talk to others and not feel tiring. i wish i can be a little more open about my thoughts to people i'm not so close to. of course there's the issue of trust again, i don't want to really dive into that right now... but yeaps. ultimately i still wish to change for the better.

but even if someone is an extrovert or he/she opens her thoughts to public, it doesn't necessarily mean he/she has leadership qualities isn't it? and there's the other idea of taking charge. personally i don't really like to take charge since i'm someone who hates being bossed around. so i assume others don't like to have authority pressing down on them... but maybe this perception of mine needs change. a leader doesn't have to keep chasing down his/her subordinates' neck. a leader need not rule with an iron hand either. taking charge can mean establish contact with those under him/her, just to let them know u're the man/woman out there. (lolx notice how i keep saying him/her... i'm a feminist k!)

and this kind of initiative, i used to have that. but ever since some things that happened i learnt to hide that part of me too. why choose to bury it? haha... i remember i used to get praises from my sec school teacher for my overwhelming enthusiasm to help teachers set up ohps n stuff... (all the tiny gritty stuff)... and now i understand why they praised me and hoped i'll continue to have such initiative... society needs this kind of people. but i had let them down... why did i choose to let this part of me die when things happen? i feel i have just backtracked another aspect of me...

all in all, i feel like i've been walking in the wrong direction all these while. when people discouraged me with their actions of not recognising me (well it's not their fault anyways) or even appreciating the effort and things i did for them, i choose to let the good aspects of me die out and i became opposite of the "better person" i actually was! wth was i thinking man! it just takes a wrong turn at a point in my thinking and all the good aspects of me went into the grave. ok enough. it's time to stop thinking and put my thoughts into action...

i remember wad 赵老师 used to tell me... 不要怕吃亏。 well of course the 吃亏 dun refer to let guys eat ur toufu (omg wth am i thinking man) but rather... dun be so calculative on the gains and losses... when others come to u for help, just help. sometimes don't be so calculative about taking the extra effort when others would probably take them for granted... oh well... now i guess i better understand what she was trying to say...

all i can say at this point in time is... i still don't know if i have the courage to follow this above statement now...

well, i'm not exactly someone without any leadership qualities at all... to look on the brighter side hees! i'm someone who's self reflective... a little too self reflective sometimes? (like wad yc implies... i might get lost while exploring within myself... hey i'm someone with no sense of direction mahs!! haha kiddings~) so yeaps, while i have to be harsh on myself and have high expectations of myself to propel myself forward, i shall always remember that i'm not totally that bad off... no matter how jialat things are, there will always be some redeeming point somewhere out there waiting to be discovered...

so yups, ok lah (though a little bit reluctant) THANKEW MH. you opened a few doors for me to explore more within myself... and i learnt a lil more myself today... thanks for offering one of the really few unique courses we ever took in uni man... but this brings me to have a desire to ask MH several questions... this include... why did MH choose to carry out his course this way? was it so that he could fulfill the marketing strategy our school tries to sell its courses to the potential uni students? and also why did he choose to leave his previous job and come to teach students instead? is the pay offered to him by the uni much much higher? hees~

alrighty. enough about hrm. blehs.

today was the first time in a few days i actually got to spend a little more time with you... i'm really happy for that =)) although i'm greedy (haha aren't all humans greedy? =Pp) but i understand how u're suffering now, so i wouldn't make my selfish requests... abit paiseh to bother u n ur family at such a short notice... but it was inevitable since i decided i wanted to be selfish... =X i hope ur mum didn't think i was some spoilt brat just go ur house to 骗吃骗喝！haha~

i'm glad u went to see doctor again today... cos the med u took today made u seem much better. well i shall try to curb my desires until u fully recover... ^^ haha erms... is this ****?

i'm really tired today after all the hrm mess... the moment i reached home i actually had the "crazy" idea that i wanted to start doing work immediately after i bathed... like doing some fyp research, or hrm research for fri's meeting, or even my database systems tutorial... eeks. but since it's 11.36pm now (oh i typed too long a blog entry haha) i guess i shall tuck myself in bed with my psp n my dear pooh... ^^

pls... get well soon. *prays hard*

i don't like the feeling of being helpless towards the pain and suffering you have to deal with alone... =((

and... hrm sux! rawrs!

想到了就气。

请你不要拿过去与现在做比较！

thanks for the pleasant surprise!
jialats the poison has sunk too deep...
我觉得很幸福~ ^^

it's been some time since i last blogged. been really busy tying the loose ends of my holiday job... now i'm officially free from all the work hassle (not forgetting all the heated arguments and happening events every now and then... ha!) it had been a really enriching experience for me.. considering i was posted to the accounts department and i had no prior accounts knowledge... and i look at how people interact with each other in the office, to a certain extent slowly opening myself up to chit chat with the people i met there.

my colleagues... or i should say now... ex-colleagues... are really nice bunch of people. despite me not having a really good impression initially when i first started work (i thought they were pretty cold people... i had to eat lunch alone the first few days~) but oh well, slowly i became independent bahs. i started bringing lunch to company... din mind eating alone le... but that besides the point.

i had certain issues with my boss too... cos although she's a really nice lady, sometimes the information she disseminate to me was not sufficient for me to carry out my task correctly. this resulted in me going in circles, doing things wrongly n stuff... but still i learnt (the hard way probably?) how to calculate worker's payroll... how to use excel formulas... it was interesting in its own way i suppose... cos i'm ultimately a maths student who's really passionate about numbers, which fundamentally is the interest of accountants too. so yups... i had fun "programming" my excel spreadsheets to calculate workers monthly pay based on attendance input, instead of how the accountants used to calculate the daily worker's pay based on memory. i hope my work would help them save time and effort =))

but of course if i had more time, i would have implemented a system much more complicated than a mere spreadsheet. i mean, we not only have to calculate worker's pay, we should have some sort of a more flexible system that allows one to add in new workers information (besides hard programming it into each excel spreadsheet)... and there should be some way to print out each worker's pay slip.... right now the company doesn't have a detailed pay slip for workers yet, so if i had more time, i might decide to implement a database structure yet... haha~ *shrugs*

am i a little too ambitious? hees~

after you mentioned the possible "obstacle" when school reopens...i did start to feel a little afraid. afraid that i might be too greedy and yearn for your attention when i know i'm not supposed when school reopened. will we be able to stick and pull through together? will my feelings last? what about yours?

but i suppose... there's no point for me to bother about these issues right now... i could only face and tackle them as it comes... so little time it seems... and i'm greedy to want to have more time... which is impossible haha...

thx for your time and attention... i really feel loved =))

it's my mum's bdae today... i sincerely wish her happy bdae! i hope she enjoys herself at the lunch buffet today =)) despite my dad and sis away from home overseas... i hope she still enjoys me and my brother's company... ^^

sometimes i wonder whether there's a way for me to drastically increase my EQ... according to a certain individual, the fastest way is to keep socializing and keep exposing urself to all kinds of social situations... which would be painful for me cos socializing is a pretty tiring task for me... but i suppose no pain, no gain... and now the question will be... how will i attempt to expose myself to more of these social circumstances...

thanks for everything today!
u're right, you can't be by my side 24hrs a day.
i really should seize this time to learn to be independent.
i understand the pain u're going through.
despite how i kinda hate myself for turning you down the other time...
maybe i really did have the foresight.
afterall those who start to claim they've recovered from emotional wounds usually haven't fully healed yet, the next moment a simple incident could just blow away ur recovery efforts.
(speaking from past experience haha!)
the only thing i can do for you is to let you sort out your thoughts
to stay by your side and show up beside you when you need me.
i'm sorry for the selfish thoughts and actions i have today...
pls forgive me ^^

i kinda hate myself for being selfish. today my HR manager bought me food just before he came back to office 1hr before i knocked off, hoping i would stay behind and do OT for his sake (especially when my other colleague took leave all of a sudden when payday is just around the corner) so many work issues to settle, and instead of agreeing to do OT, i refused. i wanted to meet up with my friend for dinner and i was... ahems. having a little bit of constipation with the erms... unwanted material stuck up my a** which simply refused to get out of my system despite my attempts to develop my humble and sincere feelings with the toilet bowl. so i just said i can't make it for OT today... and the HR manager replied... aiyah must be going to par tor... so i just kept quiet =X
ok lah he's right there...i suppose... ha!
oh well, i just have to work harder and chiong faster at work tml... eeks!

and i sincerely pray i wouldn't have to do OT tml... oh pls pls pls pls pls pls pls pls pls psp psp psp psp psp psp psp psp psp psp... opps! lmao~ yah if i can i would love to have more time to spend with my 裴勇俊 and darling psp... ^^













and one last thing. thanks to kelvin for reminding me this...

+ ~ What to do? ~ +
> Have you lost your way? <
= When that happens... =
~* We each have to take a good look at our hearts... *~
+ ~ There's always something forgotten. ~ +
** Remember it. **
-=- Whatever it is... -=-
~ it must certainly be what you are looking for... ~
i promise...
whistle~ and i'll come running...













it's time to fulfil my forgotten promise(s)... =))

and thanks for reminding me something so precious in my heart that i have long forgotten in this 3 years... ^^

这世界有太多会消失的美丽
但你是你 so i believe
thanks for giving me the courage to believe ^^



i'm sorry for being stuck in the rut...
i shall not let my fears rule my thoughts and actions.
i shall be more mindful of how you feel.
i shall try to have more positive energy... haha!

despite all the negativity i emitted, you still stayed by my side and reassured me.
thanks so much. i don't know how else to show my appreciation.

i guess this poison is pretty lethal... ouch.
but........ i wouldn't be defeated so easily... lol!



to my dear brother... so sorry! i overwrote your one and only save file on the psp... 20hrs of playtime gone... hontou ni gomen!

and since u're asleep now... it's time for me to continue hogging my darling psp... hees!

yet another sleepless night... haha!

*tries very hard to avoid the unavoidable saturday morning trip to the doctor...*

as i delve deeper and deeper into the work i'm currently involved in, i start to realize how vast the effects of certain events and actions have on the entire company and its workers. i realize how important efficiency (and not just paperwork) is, which is something hard to achieve. sometimes it really doesn't pay to be nice, take the company policy of paying advances for example. the workers would like to go up to the accounts department and complain of short payment from the company, when the company was just taking back the advances they paid the workers earlier to help them tide over the month. and i thought being irresponsible at work or just taking leave as and when i like wouldn't affect the company much. but the company is now in trouble because of many workers who are so irresponsible and they can't have enough manpower to carry out the tasks they promised others to do. and initially i thought my coworkers were cold and unfeeling. but actually they feel for their workers alot. and i really do mean alot. reading all those faxes of daily reports from the workers made me realize how much hardship the workers go through while everyday i just sit in my air con office and complain how tiring it is for me to look and process all the huge chunks of data or to make photocopies the entire day. i suppose it's really time for me to learn to be 知足...
11:33am
although we can't tell how things will be like in the future,
i'm glad you're the one that i **** ** **** ****.
i want to thank you so much for all the things you did
from lending me your jacket during movies,
to just you appearing in my life.
i'm not perfect, i have so many flaws.
i fear you might stop liking me someday cos of my flaws,
i fear that we might drift apart slowly...
but the things you do reassure me,
that my fears were just me thinking too much.
i thank you.
i **** you (i think)
i M u... haha~ ^^
what's 知足?
to be content with the current state of things?
to learn to appreciate and push down your greedy desires?
i think that's something that's really hard to achieve for a lot of us. ^^
looking at those workers who try all ways to get more money from the company...
how different am i from them in terms of our greed? lol~
i really should appreciate what i have in life now =))

so... i'm sorry for making you feel even a lil pressurized.
what will the future hold?
if i were to slowly let you go...
will you come back to my side?
or would you be like a kite,
once i let go of the string holding it...
it'll disappear into the endless sky?
i'm afraid of being overly greedy.
i'm afraid of not wanting to let go
(even if i might have to at the very end)
so maybe i should give myself this test...
and see if this is really... destiny or just mere coincidence. ^^

i'm tired from a day of work... but... hey hey~ my dear cutie is waiting for me! 裴勇俊 is just so so so charsmatic! ok lah i mean in the show "the legend"... i really like the soundtrack (irony: the OST costs as much as the dvd set... lmao)... and i like the graphic effects... and of course i *heart* 裴勇俊! opps the other day my mum was just commenting abt him being a 师奶杀手... *implying i'm as auntie as them lars*... i insist! i'm just drawn by charsmatic men k?

and then... there's my darling psp waiting for me... omg i'm so damn busy man... where got time to rest properly? hees!

maybe it's time for things to cool down.

did i go too far?
was i too greedy?

maybe i should really learn to curb and control myself~

did i go overboard?
but u started first. =X












maybe sometimes it's really 祸从口出...
i wish i wasn't on msn for you to catch me.
wish there was some way for me to squirm out of my situation.

或许，每个人都必须经历痛苦才能前进。

was rereading my old diary.
the diary full of painful memories.
maybe it was to test how well i have healed.
in the end tears were swimming in my eyes but i didn't cry.
good work qy!
the next time i reread this no tears will even form! ^^
jiayou qy!













i remembered how people hurt me because of their own agenda.
i can't blame them for doing the things they do.
i was too kind to them.
despite all the things they did to hurt me,
i didn't even want to hurt them in the least bit.
was i too naive?
so naive that in the end the one so deeply hurt was me alone?

am i still that naive?
so naive that ultimately i'll be the one deeply hurt again?

feelings do fade away with time.
i promised myself i'll love only you for eternity.
but you did all those things that hurt and shattered my heart.
i'm stupid if i continued loving you.
but i lingered for 3 years.
all because of that promise i made?
i wanted to keep to that promise so badly.
but i had to learn there's no such thing as eternity.
the only eternity was the past.

you were kind and nice to me.
you had been sweet to me.
i did make some really nice memories with you.
(though the painful memories left behind was probably much more than the pretty ones)
i know i loved you.
i don't know whether you had loved me back.
it didn't matter.
it doesn't matter.

i want to leave behind the sorrow you left in its wake.
i want to leave behind the pain you left to move on.
i want to break free of the chains i bound myself with.
i want to let go.













to a kind soul, thanks for the big plaster you gave me. ^^ although plasters could only stop wounds from bleeding and can't stop wounds from hurting, i was really touched. ^^

and now it's up to me to stop my scars from hurting.

加油！i can stop your wounds from bleeding but i can't stop them from hurting. but it'll eventually stop hurting with time. till then... hang in there. ^^










jiayou qy!

thanks...

whenever i did something, u'll return twice of what i did...
how can i return that kindness of urs?
deep down my heart really wants to forgive u, but my past fear of being hurt again pulls me back...

i want to be able to give without being afraid again, just like before i ever got hurt.
i want to return your kindness twice of yours, but in the end u'll return even twice of what i gave.
are u trying to make me dig my entire heart out in return?
你对我的好，已经超出我能承受的100倍...

i wanna thank you for giving me the courage. the courage to face my fear. the courage to smile. and the courage to... ... ... ...

i really want to shout this out to the world,
but i guess i shouldn't...













maybe i'm afraid of what the world would judge of our actions.
why should i?
just let the tongues wag behind my back?

it doesn't really matter isn't it.
it doesn't matter if the whole world misunderstands me...
if you were one who understands me...













i really want to thank god (or whoever up there) for letting me meet you. ^^

thanks for giving me courage. ^^

today is probably not my day...

my left leg hurts.
right ankle hurts.
tummy hurts.

i guess i need a big plaster too... haha~

原来心里的伤口没完全复合。
原来你是因为这样才希望我能彻底原谅。
我本来以为原谅与彻底原谅没差，
没想到你比我还明白。

被伤透的心能不能够继续爱我。
被伤透的心能不能够有勇气再去爱人呢？
一直质问自己的，或许不单单是你。

我终于明白为什么当初没买胶布给你。
因为害怕付出太多
害怕再次受到伤害
害怕自己自作多情
事隔这么久心里的疤痕却依然还在。
伤疤能随着时间消失吗？
我的勇气又跑到哪里呢？

信任是多么的脆弱
一瞬间就可以消失
想建立却那么困难



我害怕让你对我失去信任
我害怕将来会无意伤害你
我害怕与你靠得太近 发现我有那么多缺点
我害怕你慢慢讨厌我 到时不能守在你身边

我的害怕你都听得到吗？

或许你也在担心同样的事~



work was so damn stressful today... i ended up standing in front of the photocopying machine for like almost the entire afternoon... feeling really tired right now... i should rest early tonight but... =X dun really feel like doing so.........



如果是这样，这就是我的答案。。。

除非你背叛我对你的信任，
不然我应该不会失去对你的信任。
人与人之间伤害彼此是正常的，
所以就算是伤害我也会接受。
一个人的优点与缺点都由个人批判，
你所谓的缺点可能在我眼里是优点。
请你要对自己有信心，
相信会有人真心喜欢自己的全部。

这些话我也该跟自己说吧！哈哈！

喂，喂，不要怕~
你是好娃娃~
个屁啦！^^


别再害怕。
不要让害怕主宰自己。
我真正想要的是什么呢？
不要让自己的害怕来决定答案。



我。。。
想成为你的灯塔
想成为你的避风港
这样会不会很不要脸？哈哈
我想带给你更多笑容
想治好你破碎的心灵
这不是告白！这只是身为好朋友的关心！
不准偷笑！=X


庆瑜 加油！
你也要加油！