sighz~

my goldfish died... it was the birthday present from my friends on my 18th birthday... can't say i'm very very sad over it... but oh well... despite me knowing the fact it's old and will pass on some time soon... when it really happened there was still some sense of loss... and i must admit... i'm quite bad to it... remember how it always swims upside down for about a year already? just yesterday when it could hardly stay afloat... i was thinking... instead of it suffering while living, why don't we use euthanasia and end it's suffering? like just taking it out of water and so on.... but in the end i couldn't do that... cos somehow deep in me i hoped it'll live a little while longer... and it did... it died just this morning.

well... maybe i could sense it coming... that's y i woke up extra early today... but i guess i was still too late... my mum already disposed of its body. -_- but nevertheless... sighz. i wish i was a better pet owner...

my mum suggests buying another fish to accompany the lone goldfish left after the other goldfish's death... oh well... the feeling's never the same... maybe it was because it was a present from my friends or something... or maybe it's how i hoped it'll continue living after it's companion died a few days after i received them... or maybe it's the feeling i had when i chose its name and i didn't choose any for the other fishes that came to live in that small little tank we had for them... oh well... i don't know anything anymore...

if there's heaven... i hope u'll be going there now... and if u're there already... stop swimming upside down.

been a long time since i last blogged...

recent developments? let's see... after the end of the waste time project aka dip project... had a few days to slack before i was called down by the school for a job i applied... under the work-study scheme... it was quite a good working experience... get to talk to loads of pple... learn to self-control... and i remember that whenever i answer a phone call i should greet "happily" because the person on the other end can hear it in your voice... and i met a new friend! he's my senior taking IC design... and most importantly... he's learning jap for jlpt2 this year!!! wah my goal in another few years time... XD so if i have questions abt japanese i can bombard him... *opps poor him... going to be harassed by me*

a short working experience for me... wished they would allocate more days to me... though i'll probably end up slacking for some of those days...the pay's damn good... *$10 per hour! omg!* and it's something i can do... without feeling useless for most part of the working time... did i mention how i hate feeling useless for whatever work i'm allocated for? so i'm quite happy working for this... except it gets quite tiring everyday after i knock off from work...

some of the things i wanna do... watch movies! i wanna watch the girl who leaped through time plus transformers... why does it seem like the things i like to watch is either animation/some childish thingy? hey everybody has a kid in their heart ok... why am i trying to self-justify my preferences in the first place? rawrs.

have u had the feeling u don't like something, but for the sake of pleasing others u have to tell them otherwise? i'm sick of that feeling of having to please others at the expense of myself... or maybe not at the expense of myself... but when trying to please them i feel upset myself. ah... typical of a libra. so i have to blame my astrology sign. is there some way for me to break this cycle? when will my reflection show who i am inside?

and now... since someone kindly offered to be my boyfriend casually... i thought it'll be fun for me to seriously consider about this whole bgr thingy... as much as i like to be independent... there are times when i'm tired and want a shoulder to lean on... despite me knowing that i have faults and people will pick on me... but here are the lists of things i'll be looking out in a potential boyfriend...


MUST HAVE...
* must have at least 1 aspect that lets me respect/admire him for...
* able to entertain/chat with me

GOOD TO HAVE...
* big eyes XD *just take wu chun for example XD*
* taller than me but not too tall... *shoulder cannot be taller than my head? lol*
* have an interest in music
* knows how to play at least 1 instrument *woodwind section would be good... seems like i have a fetish for pple who knows woodwind instruments lol*
* knows how to sing *and not shatter the glass in the process*
* maybe share similar interest as i do... like he enjoys learning japanese or watching anime or blah blah blah
* enjoys sports
* gentle and caring
* share similar views on issues like love... etc.
* will not cheat on me... *and i will not cheat on him too*

NOT HAVING IT IS OKAY... BUT...
* handsome?
* have loads of $$$ XD


ok the above is the non-exhaustive list... and so those who fulfill the above requirements can submit ur resume to me at xxxxxx@hotmail.com. successful applicants would be notified through email. ok the above was just crap kindly ignore haha...

guess i'm just bored outta my mind... time to plan my movie trip with my sis for the girl who leaped through time! woohoo!

been having nightmares these few days... =X

first was me being pestered and repeatedly stung by this insect that looked like a flying beetle? if u know me well enough, i totally detest flying insects that keep flying around me... especially bees. plus those that sting... beetles sting? i had no idea... maybe it's a bee instead? hmmms...

second (which i had just this morning) was me talking to this super hypocritical girl who's planning some evil action to bring harm to me or something... i was walking with her n a guy which i think is my brother, then i spotted this big group of cats in an abandoned shop along the street. When i went nearer i saw this huge male cat bullying a smaller cat, so i tried to be kind to the smaller cat and pushed the huge cat away. who knew... it flashed its claws and climbed onto my shirt and slashed my abdomen!

scary dreams... and all have gore interpretations of destruction coming my way. i wonder which aspect they refer to... since i'm home these days and i haven't really offended anyone consciously these days? hmmms.

well pray i wouldn't die these days or something... hahaha... and stop giving me these weird dreams. i prefer to sleep dreamless. XD

就算全世界嘲笑我，我也不在乎。

yes i'll try my best to keep this in mind. particularly hard when you feel upset/uneasy/a little... angry? when people laugh at things precious to you. or even the things that you thought were cool... and others laughed at you thinking that way. that feeling sux.

sometimes i get really irritated by certain individuals trying to fool their way around... thinking it's fun to poke fun at others and things like that. oh well keep irritating me. i felt like slapping them in their faces. but i have to control. take in a deep breath and exhale. this is all part of training for me to learn how to deal with even more irritating people i'll meet with when i enter the working society. so... 忍。

i've got this puking sensation since this morning till now... i wonder why that's so? i can understand if one wants to puke in the morning that's normal morning sickness... but the whole day? plus my stomach felt really funny with occasional searing pain... is there something wrong with my gastric or something? hmmms... i didn't finish my breakfast though... haha.

so yeaps. with the end of dip i shall eat normally. sighz. i think my presentation today was lousy. felt like a free loader throughout the whole project cos i couldn't really see how i can help with my limited knowledge and stuff.. i did try to read up to be able to help... but i'm usually too slow. by the time i'm done with reading up, people already knew what to do to solve their problems. sighz. means i better buck up this holidays and try to absorb as much knowledge as possible. but i wonder if that's possible... so many things i wanted to learn... so little time it seems. haiz. sometimes i wish i could live life without worrying too much about things...

i want to be strong enough for people to be able to depend on me. but i don't want them to be too dependent on me too. sometimes i want to be alone, but i knew it too well i'm too afraid of being lonely. what irony. no one can understand how i truly feel... maybe it'll be good if i never get too close to anyone in the group... or rather, i can't expect them to know how i feel... i don't dare to show them my true feelings too... the guard's somehow always there... due to certain reasons i could probably push them away... but... why should i expose myself to possible hurt if i pushed away my reasons for guarding them? rawr. i knew i had the problem with trust, but it doesn't seem i'm working towards solving that...

should i just focus on my studies next semester and not join that clique and match our timetables? life would be boring without having fun with them too... but sometimes hanging out with them gets on my nerves too... cos we like to pick on certain individuals... i'm guilty of doing that too, and they insist it's cos that individual doesn't mind and that person's just waiting to be shot down by our "malicious" comments... i really wonder if that's the truth... maybe he really minds but just doesn't want to voice it out as he's too nice... i wouldn't do this kind of things in the past... but i do now... which i feel kinda sad for myself... but i wouldn't want to help him out for the fear of others shooting me back. haha what kind of lousy self defense is this.

dip was... boring and fun. had loads of fun and joy with my group mates outside work aspect, had some frustrating time with myself for being unable to produce good end result that contribute to the entire project... but now that it ended... i can go back to having more sleep, and start looking for a job to replenish my nearly depleted bank account... haiz. never ending problems... but that's life. after dip results for the semester would be released soon... tomorrow! and i have a feeling i didn't do that well last semester... my first class honours! haiz... i shouldn't overload again next semester, should i? seems like i took on too much... but there's so many things i wanna learn! i guess i shouldn't be so greedy and spill the contents of my basket by overloading it...

sighz. seems like i can no longer turn to anyone to rant about my problems anymore... i'm afraid of letting people know what i really think these days... people in my school clique... i can't really trust them because of something... others beyond that clique would have no idea how i feel i guess... haha...

moody stuff apart, here's the photos i promised the other day... my photoshooting skills vs my sis's...

my idea of an artistic shot at the east coast beach after i fainted...



vs. my sister's idea of an artistic shot...




this is from my sister's perspective of my mum...




this. is from my perspective...



some other photos taken by the great-o-me...




what a beautiful beach! i wanna go there again...




that's my sis.... looking lame in her cap... she originally had this lion soft toy pinned onto that cap! omgs =S

yeaps... end of my tiny photo sharing session... wished i had taken more photos then... but was interrupted by the sudden downpour... i wanna go to east coast again! =(







last saturday, me my sis plus our parents went to this wedding dinner... felt quite out of place, cos there's no one i know over there... plus the host's father was trying to like... intro plus push me n my sis together with his two sons... -_- and all the aunties there were like asking whether me and my sis are attatched... >_< irritating pple... =( is that the only concern on their minds for younger people... whether they're going to be married soon and things like that? =(











today, i went to mind's cafe with my dip group mates... played some really fun boardgames such as "who's the boss" <-- i think that's the name of the boardgame haha... good thing it costs only $5.50 for the whole afternoon we spent there... i thought it'll be more expensive... sighz... being broke during the holiday season really sux. no money to spend on GSS, can't go out too often or else i'll have no money for the rest of the semester... need to find a job quickly to replenish my depleted bank account... i'm so desperate for money till the extent of... asking pansy to intro one of cc's friends from his network of rich people... >_< of course i was joking lahs lol! but sighz. pressure on me to find boyfriend and to become richer. =( sounds so unlike me.. =(

wow this damn long entry took me more than an hour to type... time to tataz and finish up my dinner with two darn painful ulcers in my mouth... *ouch*

i've got this really weird bump on my right wrist. no idea how i got it... it's really itchy, and looks as though it's a scar from a previous cut or something. maybe i tried to kill myself by slitting my wrists in my previous life or something LOL. my dad came to the conclusion it's some weird allegy *and it happens only on my right wrist* so yeaps. it's darn itchy and i'm attempting to stop myself from scratching it and really making it into a permanent scar...

been slogging for dip *hmms on second thoughts... the previous statement is a lie LOL*, went on my mini runaway on vesak day to east coast park to cycle with my family. took loads of stupid pictures too... had a mini competition with my sis to see whose pictures are more... ahems. "artistic"... haha... i'm not uploading them tonight, cos i'm a bit tired and lazy XD but maybe after tomorrow, after i finish dealing with the 17 unfortunate souls incident. >_<

ok back to the cycling trip! my brother's away on exchange to cambridge *dammit. kids these days are damn lucky...* and so me my sis my mum and dad went on this trip suggested by none other her majesty... me! we charged to east coast park at around 12noon... *tell me which idiot cycles at 12 noon when the sun's just above your head?* and me n my sis got ourselves the normal bicycles, while my dad and mum shared a double bike...

cycling's so so fun! until... i fainted halfway through our trip. >_< i confess! i had only a lime sundae *that looks disgustingly like shrek, which is what it's made after...* for dinner the night before, ate a sort of pancake looking pastry for breakfast... before i cycled in the blazing hot sun... *ok it wasn't that hot... the vain me had to wear a cap to cover my short fringe that looks like it was standing up when i was cycling... and it's darn hot with that cap!*... so when my family stopped for a break i couldn't take it and i just collapsed on the floor... haha must have scared my family stiff! felt quite bad about it cos i didn't take care of my body + i was the organiser of this "outing" + they had to stop for a long while to wait for me to recover... and we didn't manage to cycle all the way to changi! but the breeze there was damn good. so good that we enjoyed it so much until it started pouring. -_- nice weather man...

so we literally braved through the storm together as a family... quite funny considering the events that happened to us recently... how apt... after i fainted, my mum took my bicycle and i took the double bike with my dad... we joked about how my bicycle is cursed and maybe the person riding it will faint halfway through the trip hahaha! i think my mum became paranoid and changed bicycles with my sis halfway through our way back... really enjoyed our slow ride back to the rental shop in the rain... i guess most of us was.. tired? haha~

cycling's fun! we must go again some other time! and i will make sure i eat properly before i go wahahaha~





today's our ktv trip at the $10 dollar club with my fellow hc classmates! pansy brought me a really nice orange handbag from her trip in kl... really love it! and nico sang so well that i can't help but to secretly record his singing... in hopes of putting it online someday to blackmail him... opps! haha~ should have told him during our supper... hahaha~ but 3 hrs is just so not enough for all of us! need to sing more... ='( though i'm extremely broke... sighz. need to find some ways to earn money fast and easy... sell butt? hey i'm kidding, k?

sighz. signing some documents tomorrow. going for my mum's friend's daughter's wedding dinner... hmph! i refuse to let myself feel down! rawr!

and now... time to hit my bed... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz... oh wait! my bomberman awaits me! XD

after being high *be it from the alcohol or self-induced* all you're left with is silence and sorrow...



all that matters is being true to yourself. i said that myself and i agree with this statement. yet... why is it that sometimes being true to yourself... it hurts?

i guess negativity still gets to me at times.

this morning i had the hallucination of having my wrist cut again. -_- and i thought i had snapped out of it... i told myself to get out of it and went to school late again for my project. i did what i had promised my group leader over the weekend but couldn't send it to her during the weekend cos i didn't spot her online, and when she received the file she told me she did it herself already cos she didn't know i was going to do it. dammit. that's more than twice this kind of thing had happened. if u wanna bao ka liao i'm not going to stop u. i wanted to make things easier for you, looks like u don't need it. no point trying to support pple who wanna chiong all the way i suppose. total waste of everybody's time.

it's not anybody's fault. i keep telling myself but it doesn't seem to help. the ineffectiveness of this entire project is really getting on my nerves. it's easy to just do my part and don't care about others. despite how much i hate that. i want to contribute too, but it seems as though i wouldn't get my chance. 1st is the upload cgi thing, then is the project proposal. no one knew abt the upload cgi thing though... no point doing anything cos it's going to be rejected at the end, isn't it? i've tried already... no point being sulky just because what i did isn't incorporated into the end product. i'm used to it anyway... trying to be helpful, only to be tossed away... just like that time 3 years ago. people think i'm too free and tossed all the shit to me. i fought back... because i'm not as free as they thought. harlow you guys didn't even understand that i had specially set aside time just to help u guys out. ungrateful people. i guess they're everywhere. and just because i fought back i guess i made a bad impression on them. fine by me, i don't wanna get involved in this kind of sai kang in the future too.




was watching/reading anime/manga... and came across 2 characters who didn't have the will to live... thinking it's fine to just die by accident since they didn't really have the will to live anyway... no you wouldn't die. because there are people who want you to survive. even against your will... so don't make them sad *at least for those with people who care about you* and do this kind of foolish acts.

no matter how much the world laughs at me... i wouldn't care, as long as i'm true to myself...

$40+ for a getaway from reality, from the harshness of life... to gain some sort of hope for life...

i guess that's pretty worth it.

some people just sux to the core. well, maybe me included. ok make that definitely me included. but there are definitely people who sux more. a bunch of people from a certain organization with the name ****. ok enough rant about some people insignificant that will not make much difference in my life. maybe blow away a grain of sand from my life maybe.

就算天塌下来，就把他当被盖。i like this phrase... how apt for my situation. thanks pansy for making me feel better in face of a rather small adversity. it's nothing really. i've learnt to look at things differently after talking to you... so whatever shit you throw me, u can't beat me. not now anyway...

i'm so glad that i'm not alone in this world... it felt this way for some time... but then i met my good friends... like pansy, yuchun, shian chi *you better come back soon! miss u loads...* thanks for being there for me... when i needed a shoulder to lean on... when i needed to gossip with... for giving me advice to my problems...

i dunno what i'm doing with my life... i thought i'll be good if i thought of what i wanna do in the future and set myself in that direction, but i can't find that arrow for myself... is it just me being indesicive? or just me being cowardly? running away from any problems that i face? i can't keep running away. i thought i've stopped to face them... but as always i'm an advocate of NATO... no action talk only. haha courtesy of zhi chao *dunno how to spell... think it's tze jun in english... what a weird name!* how do i take action then? hmmms...

enough thinking for tonight... i think i tend to ponder too deep into matters... causing me to be unable to see the problem/issue in perspective... ok time for more photos! sorry for the lousy quality though... i don't know and i'm lazy to use photoshop to make the pictures look better... so.. hahahaha...

we think it's an artistic shot... ok laugh if you must...

ok this time i admit... i think i had an artistic shot... but the front looks rather empty...

wooo~ pansy looking chio XD

that's me trying to act cute -_-'''

ooo cats are always cute by nature XD

i like this song loads... if i'm going ktv soon i wanna sing this to my best girlfriends... =)

老婆
歌手:S.H.E 作词:任家萱(selina) 作曲:陈嘉桦(ella)

从昨天到今天
还有明天
感谢老天
让你们陪在我身边

爱的心痛的心
等待的心
因为你们的拥抱
我很放心

当初见面的不安
彼此的探索
也许有些茫然迷惑

朝夕相处才发现
这世界中
没有人比你们更懂我

朋友姐妹
都已不够来形容
我们的默契骄傲
扶持与包容

老婆老婆
我们一起打勾勾
请记得约定的旅程到永久

finally... blogger seems to be back to its old self...

sometimes i wonder if i'm just being depressed... as in clinically depressed. i keep thinking of the worst scenarios that can happen to me... like while i'm just walking down the stairs with a bottle *glass bottle to be exact* of snapple, i'll image me tripping down the stairs, and the shards of glass from the broken bottle cutting my face... or when i'm crossing the road or sitting in the car, a terrible car accident will happen... or just me having this big cut across my wrist when i'm just stoning... things like that. sometimes it really bothers me why i'm so plain pessimistic... and others around me can tell me i'm optimistic. the cold hard truth is i'm optimistic about others but not matters regarding myself...

it's easier if you never had expectations at all. in this way you wouldn't suffer when your expectations are not met. i thought this was drilled all the way into my head, but i guess sometimes it just slips my mind. but living in a life with no expectations of any kind seems to be a life without any meaning or motivation. it felt as though i'm just waiting for someone to take my life away from me. maybe i really am. but others can tell me i've got a bright future waiting for me. i'll think : what future? can you see it? what makes you so sure it's bright and not dark? or is there even a future?

i guess being too critical will get you nowhere...

and the thing about my project in school... i feel useless in the group. cos i don't seem to have the knowledge to do things... neither do i have any ideas to input... am i just plain pessimistic cos i felt like i wanna disappear from that lab where everyone seems to be working hard while i'm doing nothing at all? what can i do to make me a more worthy member of a project group?

regarding the blog layout... i'm still trying to figure out how to draw and digitally colour the image... seriously... it isn't as easy as i thought... the character design+costume+background... is simply omgs. now i totally admire and idolize mangakas *people who draw manga*... lol...

alright... that's a short update on my part =)

darn it. blogger sux. =(

i'm not going to retype the entry this dumb blogger decides to reject. boo.

after a whooping 5 days looking at the same picture, me and my sister finally realised something devasting...

presenting to you... the one eyebrow-ed man!


my sister had worked on this for 5 days... and not a single day without complaining to me... i guess she had enough looking at his face... and she didn't even realise he had only 1 eyebrow until i tried to input some ideas to her by drawing out his face in my normal manga style... and while imitating his face on the computer screen... the dire realisation struck me... this man had 1 missing eyebrow! amazed by this fact, we looked back at the original image of him and realised the hard core truth...

the sad thing is... after we're thoroughly excited by the fact we're going to print the one eyebrow man on the concert tickets and poster... after her hard work... someone in her committee said she shouldn't paste the chinese word on his face. hey it's art ok... those people have absolutely no artistic sense despite being part of co...

忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍。

好，我忍。

so this is what the lack of sleep and being heaty results... of course there are other factors, but they make your eyes swell and hard to open, gives u a slight headache and makes you feel like flaring up at any slight provocation...

rawr. i'm going to explode. you better stop any funny ideas you have. damn it.

yesterday was too havoc a day for me... until i didn't have any energy left in me to blog about my wonderful.... fattening? experience with my best friends pansy and sheila from hc... we went to suki yaki at marina centre... and all went loose... well, picture speaks a thousand words...

wow.... looking at this picture makes me feel hungry again!

that's pansy pigging out enjoying her prawn...

while we're still sane and cooking our feast like good little girls...

after the feast... what's left of it...

we had ice cream after all these madness... with pansy and sheila complaining about how full they were and i still had some stomach space left... *opps i gave myself away* but nevertheless we moved on to our dessert... ice cream! it's the first time i'm eating "self-made" ice cream which essentially involved you scraping and flipping the ice cream liquid on this really cold surface, leaving you with the cold ice cream! and pansy and i both think i'm pretty good at it... maybe i can consider that as my future profession... LOL! the sad thing is i forgot to take pictures of us making ice cream... =( *too attracted by the ice cream...*

next we went shopping... and i spent a whooping $50 bucks on clothes... one of them was quite cool... but i felt i was pushed into buying it by that kinda irritating salesperson... but i kinda wanted it too... so i didn't violently object when she just pushed the clothes to her assistant and told her to enter the receipt... darn it i should have been given more time to think about it. darn. i hate this kind of sales people... the other product of my conquest was my long-awaited pair of shorts... seriously the singapore weather is driving me crazy with the amount of heat the sun radiates on our portion of the earth. so i had to get that pair of shorts... which was at a whooping $18 bucks only! half priced somemore! rawrs. though it was kinda a good buy... but all in all i spent 200+ bucks in these 4 days... =(

today... taught tuition in the morning, followed by ktv in the afternoon with my ntu friends... loads of thoughts... i thought i sang pretty well XD *my mum insists that i'm narcissistic... well maybe i am XD* but i need more ktv! someone better accompany me to ktv again soon... and i mean damn soon... like next sat/sun? then in the evening dropped by yuchun's house to help her sister with physics... didn't feel like i helped much cos i have a feeling her sister, though inquisitive, has a rather short attention span... and i can't blame her for that, cos she's still young while i'm paid to keep talking non stop without brain blocks or becoming seh... unless i'm facing some ultra cheem maths problems... and this pretty much sums up my activities for these 2 days!

and now for the irritating 20 people group project starting tomorrow... sighz.
















never. ever. follow someone else's footsteps to the extent of losing yourself. i saw you falling into that same trap as i did 4 years ago, and i know it doesn't help at all. i want to tell you this, but i don't have the courage or the authority to let you know. now i totally understand how he felt then... i was such a dumb idiot... never ever lose yourself over something as small as this... in the heat of things u might think u're willing to lose yourself in this, but in afterthought u'll probably regret it. people will like and accept you for who you are, not for who you aren't.

ok enough of my nonsense... time to knock out soon if i want to be able to wake up tomorrow morning... sighz.

yay! exams are finally over! i want to sleep, rest, go out to shop, read all my manga plus watch all my anime, plus ride on this...

yesh! this is a ferris wheel i took at the woodlands mrt platform... lolx... was there yesterday as part of my pasam malam 之旅 with my sister... well, only i was the idiot who wanted to ride on that... haha... <-- so old still don't wanna grow up =( since exams are over, i seized the time to go out with my friends before i'm tied down to another 5-week project that's 8-5 every weekday... so for today the clique i'm hanging out with is with my ny sec4 classmates yuchun, yihui and jiayuan! did something terribly sinful today... and i shall make u share my sin by showing you these pictures...

wooohooo! tiramisu! it's surprisingly super tasty for its weird shape... haha!

yummys blueberry cheesecake! *feels as though i'm i was in heaven...*

sin in love... really sinful with that yummy hot brownie in chocolate plus the chewy coffee icecream!

sinful sinful sinful!!! triple choc is just so chocolatey!

a "group" photos of these wonderful desserts...

it was a totally sinful affair... but after that wonderful meal *it was at a restaurant called secret garden that's somewhere along middle road*.... we found this outside the restaurant and decided to challenge its toughness by sitting on it...


then i tried to take a candid picture of yuchun despite her violent objections... and this is what i got...


seriously it looks more like a "talk to my hand" picture... so i edited it slightly to this...



can't wait to hang out with you guys again! =)

most people would like to think they're like durians; they may not look or smell nice on the outside, but good on the inside.

if it's me; i'm a rotten apple, looks good on the outside, but smells bad on the inside.













明明跟我一点关系都没有了，但偏偏还想知道对方过得如何。或许这就是我曾说过的：人的本性就是爱kaypo。他的死活快乐根本跟你一点关系都没有，干吗还要自作多情?不关我的事，不关我的事。。。














and it's about time for a new layout! thinking of changing the background... but the general script shall remain the same or i'll change it to the one similar to my anime blog... oh yah the anime blog needs a revamp as well... haiz i'm thinking of changing that one to a blog that'll only be updated during my summer holidays... shall name it ～青空の下～ anime blog v.2 夏の記憶... which means literally ~below the blue sky~ anime blog v.2 memories of summer... rawrs.

during the holidays, if possible, i'll like to brush up on my japanese... plus to learn a little about colouring using the computer... unfortunately, as most can probably tell, my watercolouring skills simply sux. *looks at the girl drawing on the left* and even more unfortunately, my sister who's taking architeture now doesn't know how to colour using photoshop or some other software as well! argh. where in the world am i going to pick up these skills? =X

besides that... it's time to start thinking again what is really my aim in life. why am i even in ntu. everything just feels... incorrect. from the stupid choice i made around 3 years ago onwards, it seems nothing has been going totally correct. is this just adolescence or just me. time to pick up on my pace in life and start working hard man... the world and the rest of the people around you aren't going to wait for you...

sighz. so many things to say, no one i can really talk to about this things. out of fear of no one understanding me as well... haha well in short, i'm just one idiot. baka.

明明在考试当中，但总是心不在焉。

我最讨厌的就是为了讨好别人而故意作出与自己性格完全不相同的人。譬如，为了让自己喜欢的人对自己有好感，就故意作出一些事情来让他注意。就像是故意打听他喜欢什么样的东西，然后自己去研究，这样就能跟他有共同的话题。这本身看起来没有什么不对，但是如果自己平时都没有对这种事情有兴趣，这样一来不会觉得很奇怪吗？这种没有个性的人。。。最讨厌了。我认为，如果是真正的喜欢，决不须靠这种小“手段”来让真爱到手。如果对方爱上的不是真正的自己，那么在一起的时候，你就不能很自在，因为你不能让这不是真正的自己穿帮，不是吗？

经过了这么多的事情之后，我已感到非常的疲倦了，甚至一直问自己：我到底是为了什么而努力呢？放眼看别人，有些人看起来根本就没有什么努力，可是在事业上却也不是那么的成功？总觉得。。。为什么要那么拼命呢？一问自己这个题目，我就发现我根本没有一个好的答案来回答自己。是为了自己吗？还是为了别人？如果是别人，那个别人是谁？我的父母？爱人？根本就没有所谓的别人。说是为自己努力，动机又在何处？为什么要为自己努力呢？为了以后美好的生活？

无法回答这个问题的我根本就无心向上，努力地为考试奋斗。天天在家看起来无所事事，好像已经准备好一切了，实际上并非如此。心里有一股愤怒，却又没有心情来努力。这样的自己让我非常苦恼，却又想不出有什么办法让自己振作起来。。。

再过多几天，考试就结束了。心仪的假期终于即将来临。。。才怪！过了考试还有多五个星期的project要赶，一想到这一点，就算心里有任何动力都会即刻消失。啊啊啊，不想在想下去了。烦烦烦！

希望在明天的考试来领之前我能读完他啊。。。嗨。。。

中国话
歌手：s.h.e 曲:郑楠 词:郑楠 施人诚

扁担宽板凳长
扁担想绑在板凳上
扁担宽板凳长
扁担想绑在板凳上

伦敦玛莉莲买了件旗袍送妈妈
莫斯科的夫司基爱上牛肉面疙瘩
各种颜色的皮肤各种颜色的头发
嘴里念的说的开始流行中国话

多少年我们苦练英文发音和文法
这几年换他们卷著舌头学平上去入的变化
平平仄仄平平仄
好聪明的中国人好优美的中国话

扁担宽板凳长
扁担想绑在板凳上
板凳不让扁担绑在板凳上
扁担偏要绑在板凳上
板凳偏偏不让扁担绑在那板凳上
到底扁担宽还是板凳长
哥哥弟弟坡前坐
坡上卧著一只鹅
坡下流著一条河
哥哥说宽宽的河
弟弟说白白的鹅
鹅要过河河要渡鹅
不知是那鹅过河
还是河渡鹅

全世界都在学中国话
孔夫子的话越来越国际化
全世界都在讲中国话
我们说的话让世界都认真听话

纽约苏珊娜开了间禅风lounge bar
柏林来的沃夫冈拿胡琴配著电吉他
各种颜色的皮肤各种颜色的头发
嘴里念的说的开始流行中国话

多少年我们苦练英文发音和文法
这几年换他们卷著舌头学平上去入的变化
仄仄平平仄仄平
好聪明的中国人好优美的中国话

有个小孩叫小杜
上街打醋又买布
买了布打了醋
回头看见鹰抓兔
放下布搁下醋
上前去追鹰和兔
飞了鹰跑了兔
洒了醋湿了布
嘴说腿腿说嘴
嘴说腿爱跑腿
腿说嘴爱卖嘴
光动嘴不动腿
光动腿不动嘴
不如不长腿和嘴
到底是那嘴说腿还是腿说嘴

全世界都在学中国话
孔夫子的话越来越国际化
全世界都在讲中国话
我们说的话让世界都认真听话

全世界都在学中国话
孔夫子的话越来越国际化
全世界都在讲中国话
我们说的话让世界都认真听话

逆风
歌手: garden sister 曲: mia 词: 于光中

用独特的关键字眼 我搜寻着世界
只想找到一个空间 布置我的宣言

梦想已存放许多 不在乎被谁偷走
我只有一个感受 我真的真的 我真的受伤过

黑夜逆风细雨 梦想热情和我
痛苦却又甜蜜 why should i care at all? at all...

我不管别人的看法 却又想被人看见
你总是说出了盲点 有时候真是讨厌

信心已存放了许多 你不在却不好过
我只有一个感受 你真的真的 你真的够爱我

黑夜逆风细雨 梦想热情和我
痛苦却又甜蜜 why should i care, why should i care,
why should i care at all? at all...

每个选择路口 我就挑难的路走
每次你放弃我 我突然回头 你却还跟着我

黑夜逆风细雨 梦想热情和我
痛苦却又甜蜜 why should i care, why should i care,
why should i care at all? at all...

听说你比从前快乐。虽然离你那么的遥远，但也为此而替你感到欣慰。如果上帝真的存在，为你祈求快乐的愿望是否已实现了？

感到疲惫。这时候的我，已经站也站不稳。在回家的路上差点又被车撞。哈哈我这个笨蛋没看清楚车，以为它要停在路口，没想到只是他在学车，驾得比较慢，结果我差点给它撞。这时的我问自己，为什么要弄到自己这么累？有什么意义？明明可以轻松点，我却偏偏选择比较难走的路。或许我真的是个傻瓜。。。

觉得自己好自大自我。再怎么隐藏也无法收敛的缺点。我明明希望能变得更好，但人好像只会越变越坏，不可能越变越好。对于人生的无奈，似乎无法改变的世界让我感到厌倦与些许愤怒。对自己的无能感到烦躁，痛恨自己没有力量来改变这个不完美的世界。但或许每个人都得经历这段心路过程，所以目前的我不想想得太多。只想马上躺在床上，一觉到天明，不用再为考试而烦恼，或为时尚琐碎的事情而伤透脑子。