i had a dream last night.
i dreamt i was loved by a prince and a beast.
at the same time i fell in love with an ordinary man along the street who went away just after i knew him.
the prince was like all clique stories, princely. however he was extremely bad-tempered, and has no respect for others especially girls. and he will not hesitate to hit girls either.
the beast though was the king of all monsters and animals, even though he was ugly, and whenever he tried to get close to me, i'll get into a fit, but he was kind and considerate and keeps his distance so that i will not get into fits.
however the man i loved, whom i didn't even know the name, had left for a remote country overseas just when i started liking him.
me and my friends went to visit a fortune teller. i had a wish hidden deep in my heart, i wished that man would return to me.
the fortune teller said that my wish is hard to fulfill, but there is hope for it.
which i thought was all a lie.
if all these happened in real life, who would you choose in the end? the prince in other people's eyes who was violent? or the beast that was gentle? or would it be your love that is totally out of reach of your hands?
i would just stay at where i am and choose neither.
25 July 2006
21 July 2006
19 July 2006
tell me i'm dumb.
i've always known that i'm really bad at time management, and i really don't have a good sense of time. but how blur can i get?!!!
actually i'm a little frustrated with my holidays now... i wanna go back to school asap so that i wouldn't lie around doing nothing except to watch anime play games n piss my mum off... i really wanted to start studying or do something more productive...
and i though my school holidays would end on 24 july... which is next week.
the realisation only struck me this morning at 1am.
school only starts on 7 august.
AND THAT'S A FREAKING 3 WEEKS AWAY INSTEAD OF LESS THAN 1 WEEK AWAY!!!
urrrragh! *starts fumbling with hair frantically*
how dumb can i get?! -_-
but in the meantime, i'm kept busy with my anime blog... do go check out, tag and leave comments... actually i'll prefer comments... they'll last for eternity as long as my blog is there... haha! there's so many anime i'm watching currently that i don't even have the time and effort to blog everything i watch! but if i blog my entire day away it seems like i'm neglecting other stuff... like cleaning up my room... *which i had postponed infinitely till further notice...*
and i need to finish ffx-2!!!kh2... "completed"... i skipped the quests part for kh2... fought the final boss just to see the perfect ending... and guess what?! my disc jammed when i was watching the final cg movie. drats it. -_- if i had known it, i wouldn't have restarted my entire game just to watch the movie... i would have gone to youtube to look at the ending and not waste my precious time replaying everything. -_-''' now i'm stuck at the boring quests part of ffx-2... before fighting the final boss... if the disc jams anytime now i'll really go "RARRR!" on the ps2... grrrr~
yeap so that's an update on my boring life. nothing much to talk about anyway, i'm staying at home as much as i can... becoming a hermit, just like my assassin's third class job in maple. opps what am i talking about? -_- and i think the rainy season is back again... makes me not want to wake up every morning... makes me feel like skipping work... -_- and is there a way to lose weight without doing much exercise, not skipping meals and not stopping myself from eating the things i like? LOL~ i guess i'm just dreaming in my little own world. -_-
actually i'm a little frustrated with my holidays now... i wanna go back to school asap so that i wouldn't lie around doing nothing except to watch anime play games n piss my mum off... i really wanted to start studying or do something more productive...
and i though my school holidays would end on 24 july... which is next week.
the realisation only struck me this morning at 1am.
school only starts on 7 august.
AND THAT'S A FREAKING 3 WEEKS AWAY INSTEAD OF LESS THAN 1 WEEK AWAY!!!
urrrragh! *starts fumbling with hair frantically*
how dumb can i get?! -_-
but in the meantime, i'm kept busy with my anime blog... do go check out, tag and leave comments... actually i'll prefer comments... they'll last for eternity as long as my blog is there... haha! there's so many anime i'm watching currently that i don't even have the time and effort to blog everything i watch! but if i blog my entire day away it seems like i'm neglecting other stuff... like cleaning up my room... *which i had postponed infinitely till further notice...*
and i need to finish ffx-2!!!kh2... "completed"... i skipped the quests part for kh2... fought the final boss just to see the perfect ending... and guess what?! my disc jammed when i was watching the final cg movie. drats it. -_- if i had known it, i wouldn't have restarted my entire game just to watch the movie... i would have gone to youtube to look at the ending and not waste my precious time replaying everything. -_-''' now i'm stuck at the boring quests part of ffx-2... before fighting the final boss... if the disc jams anytime now i'll really go "RARRR!" on the ps2... grrrr~
yeap so that's an update on my boring life. nothing much to talk about anyway, i'm staying at home as much as i can... becoming a hermit, just like my assassin's third class job in maple. opps what am i talking about? -_- and i think the rainy season is back again... makes me not want to wake up every morning... makes me feel like skipping work... -_- and is there a way to lose weight without doing much exercise, not skipping meals and not stopping myself from eating the things i like? LOL~ i guess i'm just dreaming in my little own world. -_-
13 July 2006
假期三个月，我的生活似乎变得颓废。
并不是因为闲得发慌，天天都有很多东西等着我去做，甚至感到时间不够。目标也不是没有，每天的目标就是要完成那天该做的事。如果那天在打工，目标就是能尽早收工回家。*哈哈那多像我的作风~*
只是。。。
长远的未来，对我来说似乎还是个未知数。
学校假期即将结束，假期前为自己设下的目标似乎都没达到；例如事先读好日文，天天打工赚外块--这样就不必跟父母拿零用钱。。。这些所谓的“目标”并没有 达到。目前我的工作薪水不高，一个星期工作不到五天，不过都感觉非常疲惫。终于明白，赚钱不容易。打工后，不是看漫画，看书，就是看动画片，总是轮不到读 日文。。。
总觉得，普通人的假期应该是常常出门，与朋友相聚玩乐的时光。可是，不大善于社交的我却偏爱待在家里，做些无聊的事情。。。或许是对世界感到厌倦，有些时 候早上一睁开眼就有种“啊啊，我还活在这个世上啊~”的感觉。说起来好像有点可笑，好像是在等死这样。不知道是因为我最近所阅读的《灼眼的夏娜》有关，还 是自己悲观到极限。
对世界一点期望也没有。正确的来说，是不要对这世界报有任何期望。不想被世间琐事所困扰，不愿受到伤害。这就是人们所谓的“达到最高境界”吗？
目前的我对现状没有任何不满，在朋友眼里看起来是相当幸福的。或许这真是如此，或许只是个假象。而我不想再想太多，只希望这种平平淡淡的生活不受干扰，继续活在自己的世界里。。。
并不是因为闲得发慌，天天都有很多东西等着我去做，甚至感到时间不够。目标也不是没有，每天的目标就是要完成那天该做的事。如果那天在打工，目标就是能尽早收工回家。*哈哈那多像我的作风~*
只是。。。
长远的未来，对我来说似乎还是个未知数。
学校假期即将结束，假期前为自己设下的目标似乎都没达到；例如事先读好日文，天天打工赚外块--这样就不必跟父母拿零用钱。。。这些所谓的“目标”并没有 达到。目前我的工作薪水不高，一个星期工作不到五天，不过都感觉非常疲惫。终于明白，赚钱不容易。打工后，不是看漫画，看书，就是看动画片，总是轮不到读 日文。。。
总觉得，普通人的假期应该是常常出门，与朋友相聚玩乐的时光。可是，不大善于社交的我却偏爱待在家里，做些无聊的事情。。。或许是对世界感到厌倦，有些时 候早上一睁开眼就有种“啊啊，我还活在这个世上啊~”的感觉。说起来好像有点可笑，好像是在等死这样。不知道是因为我最近所阅读的《灼眼的夏娜》有关，还 是自己悲观到极限。
对世界一点期望也没有。正确的来说，是不要对这世界报有任何期望。不想被世间琐事所困扰，不愿受到伤害。这就是人们所谓的“达到最高境界”吗？
目前的我对现状没有任何不满，在朋友眼里看起来是相当幸福的。或许这真是如此，或许只是个假象。而我不想再想太多，只希望这种平平淡淡的生活不受干扰，继续活在自己的世界里。。。
10 July 2006
belief o matic
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09 July 2006
08 July 2006
aozoranoshita...
yes! my anime blog is finally up and running... still need to tweak with the scripts here and there... especially wrt to the categories... it's driving me mad... but still i suppose it's not bad a start...
here's the url:
～青空の下～ anime blog
hope u guys like it... the template is really simple cos i really have no idea how the script works for blogsome... haha~
i'll still be back to post here once in a while... but since now i have to spend more time online, i suppose i should be able to blog more here as well... oh well... haha~
till then... =)
here's the url:
～青空の下～ anime blog
hope u guys like it... the template is really simple cos i really have no idea how the script works for blogsome... haha~
i'll still be back to post here once in a while... but since now i have to spend more time online, i suppose i should be able to blog more here as well... oh well... haha~
till then... =)
06 July 2006
geez...
*note: i gave up early this morning trying to post here, reposting this saved post*
hmmms... i don't know what's wrong with my browser or blogger... but apparently i can't post my entry here... so i'm retyping this in hope that i get to publish this...
at 2:53am in the morning i'm still awake... cos i'm vexing over whether to start an anime blog or not. and this would definitely take a lot of time out of me... need to come up with new design, and figure out how to organise entries... i've been refering to other pple's anime blogs as a guide, but somehow i'm not exactly satisfied with the functions blogger offer...
however i hope that even if i eventually do start on an anime blog, i will not let this place rot and disintegrate...
i was quite surprised when naveen smsed me a few days ago regarding my blog entry on losing my drive to blog... i guess he regained his motivation to blog after losing it to ns... maybe that's y he tried to talk to me about it, but all the free time i had was spent on anime manga games going out and not blogging... so it's a matter of whether i had the intention or not. but i don't. and i'm not the only one who had lost the drive to blog.. weijie, nico n jon apparently have left their blogs to the spiders as well... mine... only a few mushrooms had gathered.... so... hahaha~
anyway, in this unearthly hour, i can only spare such few words to try and wrap up the millions of thoughts i have currently... and with that pls pray hard that i'll wake up for work tml at 12 and not to be clumsy... oyasuminasai~
hmmms... i don't know what's wrong with my browser or blogger... but apparently i can't post my entry here... so i'm retyping this in hope that i get to publish this...
at 2:53am in the morning i'm still awake... cos i'm vexing over whether to start an anime blog or not. and this would definitely take a lot of time out of me... need to come up with new design, and figure out how to organise entries... i've been refering to other pple's anime blogs as a guide, but somehow i'm not exactly satisfied with the functions blogger offer...
however i hope that even if i eventually do start on an anime blog, i will not let this place rot and disintegrate...
i was quite surprised when naveen smsed me a few days ago regarding my blog entry on losing my drive to blog... i guess he regained his motivation to blog after losing it to ns... maybe that's y he tried to talk to me about it, but all the free time i had was spent on anime manga games going out and not blogging... so it's a matter of whether i had the intention or not. but i don't. and i'm not the only one who had lost the drive to blog.. weijie, nico n jon apparently have left their blogs to the spiders as well... mine... only a few mushrooms had gathered.... so... hahaha~
anyway, in this unearthly hour, i can only spare such few words to try and wrap up the millions of thoughts i have currently... and with that pls pray hard that i'll wake up for work tml at 12 and not to be clumsy... oyasuminasai~
07 June 2006
just a quickie...
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for a while i've been wondering on what i should blog and what i should leave inside my heart... at one point in time i thought of even leaving this blog as it is and not blogging anymore... reason being... there are some thoughts that i want to express, but i do not want some people to see/hear about it... and besides, if readers do trace my previous entries *way back to last year* most of my entries were the boring details on my life...
and so i wonder... y do i blog about my life on my online blog for everyone to see? it's boring and i don't think pple out there will be interested. besides, maybe it's time i should have more privacy and not show my thoughts to the world out there.
or so i thought.
there had been so many things i wanted to express my views on... but these were mere passing thoughts... one moment i thought of blogging it, next moment i'm preoccupied with something else. then i eventually lose track of what i wanted to blog on originally and then i lost the "motivation" to blog for that day. this has happened countless times... i wonder if this is a sign that i'm growing up or that i'm busier and stuff...
i realise that i try to keep details of my current life out of my blog. ironically, some of my friends who do pass by this blog might be looking out to see whether i'm doing well presently... yet, i feel sort of... uneasy... these days... since i don't want those people i'm not willing to share my life with to know what i'm doing now... thus the "battle" within me... i hesitate about whether i want to blog about the things i like... the anime i am crazy about at the present moment, the games i'm going crazy over, or my rumblings on the weather and work and schooling... it's strange why things had to turn out this way...
originally this blog was meant to be a special place for me to vent my thoughts. my deepest thoughts. initally i kept quiet about it, and only 1 person knew about it... later i realised that there are those who found out about my little private space and secretly read all my entries but did not let me know they're aware of my blog. then i finally was aware of it when me and that person became good friends, and i changed the content of my blog so that i could let other people to read about it... and it became a more "open" blog. but now i want back my private space. some solutions would be... to write in a diary. but the reason why i did not keep the diary in the first place was because i was afraid of my family's prying eyes... though i know i could trust them... yet i feel a little uneasy about leaving my thoughts written down in pen and paper lying around in my house.
then again, similarly, now i'm starting to feel a little uneasy about leaving my thoughts lying around in this virtual world where not only my family could access, but the rest of the world. there are private entries which only i myself could access, but if i let all my entries become private then it seems weird for me to even own a blog. besides, there are alot of issues to tackle with... like for example, though my blog is a place for me to "publish" my inner thoughts, i still have to bear responsibility for the things i write here.
in addition, it is indeed quite time consuming to blog. though this is the same as writing diary entries, but for diary entries since it's that private, i feel ok if i just end anyway i do... for blogging i feel responsible for tying up the loose knots after discussing some issue and stuff and i do not like to end abruptly... even when i've lost the train of thought to type, but i still have to force the words out of myself to make things complete...
perhaps i'm now tired of doing things for the sake of doing...? who knows... haha...
maybe it's a sign that i no longer feel the rush of emotions flowing through me anymore... ever since two years ago...
jc life was fun and fulfilling... unlike uni life where we get so much free time to allocate ourselves... it's ok if we neglect our studies... no body pushes you these days in uni... i'm a little afraid that i might become too slack. just talk about studies... my grades are dropping and i'm a little scared. afraid i might not be able to continue taking the accelerated program.
ok sorry i digress.
back to the topic on blogging... i thought of changing my current blog to anime blog = meaning i blog about anime episodes instead of having my own thoughts and life posted online... but this idea always remained as an idea. the work involved is simply too great and seems to take a lot of time out of me... imagine typing one entry per episode per anime... i currently watch at least 5 ongoing anime series, plus i like to have anime marathon of the completed series... besides watching and reviewing, i have to take screenshots... omg the amount of work is... =S so that idea is put off until further notice...
the anime blog idea was so that i could still express my thoughts, except the things i talk about now are a little further from me... it's not exactly about my current life but about something other anime lovers could understand. perhaps it's just an alternative for me to avoid talking about myself. perhaps i just want to shut others from my world except those i feel comfortable with.
with that, i've run out of things to say for now... i shall return some time soon i hope... =)
and so i wonder... y do i blog about my life on my online blog for everyone to see? it's boring and i don't think pple out there will be interested. besides, maybe it's time i should have more privacy and not show my thoughts to the world out there.
or so i thought.
there had been so many things i wanted to express my views on... but these were mere passing thoughts... one moment i thought of blogging it, next moment i'm preoccupied with something else. then i eventually lose track of what i wanted to blog on originally and then i lost the "motivation" to blog for that day. this has happened countless times... i wonder if this is a sign that i'm growing up or that i'm busier and stuff...
i realise that i try to keep details of my current life out of my blog. ironically, some of my friends who do pass by this blog might be looking out to see whether i'm doing well presently... yet, i feel sort of... uneasy... these days... since i don't want those people i'm not willing to share my life with to know what i'm doing now... thus the "battle" within me... i hesitate about whether i want to blog about the things i like... the anime i am crazy about at the present moment, the games i'm going crazy over, or my rumblings on the weather and work and schooling... it's strange why things had to turn out this way...
originally this blog was meant to be a special place for me to vent my thoughts. my deepest thoughts. initally i kept quiet about it, and only 1 person knew about it... later i realised that there are those who found out about my little private space and secretly read all my entries but did not let me know they're aware of my blog. then i finally was aware of it when me and that person became good friends, and i changed the content of my blog so that i could let other people to read about it... and it became a more "open" blog. but now i want back my private space. some solutions would be... to write in a diary. but the reason why i did not keep the diary in the first place was because i was afraid of my family's prying eyes... though i know i could trust them... yet i feel a little uneasy about leaving my thoughts written down in pen and paper lying around in my house.
then again, similarly, now i'm starting to feel a little uneasy about leaving my thoughts lying around in this virtual world where not only my family could access, but the rest of the world. there are private entries which only i myself could access, but if i let all my entries become private then it seems weird for me to even own a blog. besides, there are alot of issues to tackle with... like for example, though my blog is a place for me to "publish" my inner thoughts, i still have to bear responsibility for the things i write here.
in addition, it is indeed quite time consuming to blog. though this is the same as writing diary entries, but for diary entries since it's that private, i feel ok if i just end anyway i do... for blogging i feel responsible for tying up the loose knots after discussing some issue and stuff and i do not like to end abruptly... even when i've lost the train of thought to type, but i still have to force the words out of myself to make things complete...
perhaps i'm now tired of doing things for the sake of doing...? who knows... haha...
maybe it's a sign that i no longer feel the rush of emotions flowing through me anymore... ever since two years ago...
jc life was fun and fulfilling... unlike uni life where we get so much free time to allocate ourselves... it's ok if we neglect our studies... no body pushes you these days in uni... i'm a little afraid that i might become too slack. just talk about studies... my grades are dropping and i'm a little scared. afraid i might not be able to continue taking the accelerated program.
ok sorry i digress.
back to the topic on blogging... i thought of changing my current blog to anime blog = meaning i blog about anime episodes instead of having my own thoughts and life posted online... but this idea always remained as an idea. the work involved is simply too great and seems to take a lot of time out of me... imagine typing one entry per episode per anime... i currently watch at least 5 ongoing anime series, plus i like to have anime marathon of the completed series... besides watching and reviewing, i have to take screenshots... omg the amount of work is... =S so that idea is put off until further notice...
the anime blog idea was so that i could still express my thoughts, except the things i talk about now are a little further from me... it's not exactly about my current life but about something other anime lovers could understand. perhaps it's just an alternative for me to avoid talking about myself. perhaps i just want to shut others from my world except those i feel comfortable with.
with that, i've run out of things to say for now... i shall return some time soon i hope... =)
24 May 2006
ahems. *tries to clear throat*
by the request of one of my bestest friends yuchun... i shall attempt to post something here to show i'm not exactly being a hermit... haha~
the reason for my absense from the msn community as well as from my blog, oh well besides what yuchun had pointed out *playing kh2*... i was catching up on loads of manga n anime, and not to mention i'm terribly sick. down with flu, cough and fever... still on the long journey to recovery. the flam in my throat is extremely irritating, hard for me to sleep at night cos i cannot breath due to that thick flam in my lungs n throat. yeap so there u go.
oh some more updates... eh i cut my hair. shorter than yuchun's. *pause to see pple laffing* okies fine. her hairstyle is cute. my hairstyle pls dun comment k? wahaha~
other miscellanous things... i'm finally going overseas this holidays! been such a long time since i was out of singapore... can't wait to go shopping crazy for that trip... going to taiwan next month before my brother has to go back for school...
on a side note... my brother just returned a few days from his 1 week trip to china... *makes me jealous.. haha~* and surprisingly he actually bought souvenirs for us! haha really big breakthrough... besides he actually bought himself clothes and shoes in china! me n my family were damn shocked since he's the really lazy kind... clothes shoes everything is my mum buy for him... lolx~ and i'm darn happy when he bought this necklace... oh well he din say who it was for... for either me n my sis... but ahems. now i kop it for myself le... wahahaha~ really happy that he actually had that thought... shall wear it next time when i go out =)
haha that's all i have to say for now. dun expect much from someone who seldom opens her mouth to talk these days *no voice... not even sexy voice -_-* oh well i hope i'll get well before i go for taiwan trip! ~sobz~
by the request of one of my bestest friends yuchun... i shall attempt to post something here to show i'm not exactly being a hermit... haha~
the reason for my absense from the msn community as well as from my blog, oh well besides what yuchun had pointed out *playing kh2*... i was catching up on loads of manga n anime, and not to mention i'm terribly sick. down with flu, cough and fever... still on the long journey to recovery. the flam in my throat is extremely irritating, hard for me to sleep at night cos i cannot breath due to that thick flam in my lungs n throat. yeap so there u go.
oh some more updates... eh i cut my hair. shorter than yuchun's. *pause to see pple laffing* okies fine. her hairstyle is cute. my hairstyle pls dun comment k? wahaha~
other miscellanous things... i'm finally going overseas this holidays! been such a long time since i was out of singapore... can't wait to go shopping crazy for that trip... going to taiwan next month before my brother has to go back for school...
on a side note... my brother just returned a few days from his 1 week trip to china... *makes me jealous.. haha~* and surprisingly he actually bought souvenirs for us! haha really big breakthrough... besides he actually bought himself clothes and shoes in china! me n my family were damn shocked since he's the really lazy kind... clothes shoes everything is my mum buy for him... lolx~ and i'm darn happy when he bought this necklace... oh well he din say who it was for... for either me n my sis... but ahems. now i kop it for myself le... wahahaha~ really happy that he actually had that thought... shall wear it next time when i go out =)
haha that's all i have to say for now. dun expect much from someone who seldom opens her mouth to talk these days *no voice... not even sexy voice -_-* oh well i hope i'll get well before i go for taiwan trip! ~sobz~
12 May 2006
07 May 2006
the hermit
i've been wondering what i should start posting since my exams are over... as i mentioned beforehand... i've had like... one month's worth of posts to put up... and furthermore late at the night after one full day of activities... i don't really think i'll really spit out that 1 month's worth of vomit here yet... haha... so u guys are spared...
and nope i'm not here to talk about singapore politics... sadly, my area didn't get to vote... the pap walked over for the hong kah district... so yeap i'm not exactly very interested in the results unlike some of my other friends *eg. miao juan* except whether any opposition parties are represented in the parliment... and i'm happy that the potong pasir side didn't fall to pap's hands... muahahaha! *ok i sound a little... crazy... -_-*
short summary of what i did today... went out to play badminton with zhanxin n wendy this morning... followed by ny class gathering at orchard.... nice dinner wif u guys! and had fun trying to decipher tarot card readings with u guys... haha~ though yuchun complained that she didn't feel she helped pple out with the readings... but hey... somehow i felt tarot cards aren't the ones that give others solutions... pple turn to tarot cards for the shortcut out of their problems... the person in control of their lives is themselves... unless they decide to let the tarot cards take control of their life... but of course... when it comes to big things that has to do with fate perhaps one couldn't exactly "control" their life in that aspect... however i still believe *strangely* that if one has the will... it is still possible to change one's fate in the future... the future is ever changing... don't let what the cards show u get u down... it only serves as a guide... =) *though i would love if the tarot cards can predict what will happen to me in the future... haha~*
after today... i kinda had some new "insights" with my life now... i've had been hiding in my hermit cave for one month... for that month i had been wondering about what i've been doing in my life since i started uni life... sadly i felt as though i've totally lost my goal... i no longer know what i was working for... i thought i was working for myself in the beginning... then i sorta lost that motivation... it's so hard to be independent... but slowly i'm learning how to let go of depending on others... this is a promise to myself... i will not let others make me cling onto them and i will always be self-sufficient... i will be able to survive on my own...
someone had commented *i don't know whether he said it jokingly or what* that i'm the one 敷衍-ing people... while i kept thinking that it's others that are doing it to one another... after he commented on that i started to think back... and realise... it's probably my perception that made me 敷衍 others instead of others doing to me... so why did i feel this way? perhaps it had to do with trust... i don't feel like i trust the new friends i made in uni... maybe that's y i feel and act distant from most of them...
make use of others and let others make use of u... i felt it was some sort of the rule of the working society... maybe i was too cynical... to survive in this dog eat dog cat eat dog (???) world... i tried to make sure others couldn't make use of me without me having no chance of fighting back... i'm tired of being made use by others such that i had totally no control of what i really wanted to do... so i tried to do the opposite... it didn't felt me... strangely... i wonder what made me change my perception of life...
ever since "my world" fell apart and i tried piecing up the shards together... strangely the things held themselves differently... it seemed as though the "old me" was pieced differently now... i no longer felt things as i would have in the past... i didn't feel as emotional as before... morals.. i felt like i've betrayed the morals i held precious last time... it feels as though as one ages... the things they believe in become drenched in the darkness of the world... the original light and purity is washed away with time. or maybe i'm the only one who feels this way... feeling like some criminal guilty of breaking and hurting people's hearts... instead of the sensitive being in the past who tried to heal those hurt by those other "devils"... so now i've succumbed to the dark and joined in... if i judged my current self using my past model of values... i would probably have hated my current self. i keep asking myself why this is so... where is the old me...
and i realise i have totally no idea who my "old self" is... neither my current self.
the current me... money orientated... materialistic? more straightforward, practical, decisive...
the past... moody... gentler... emotional... someone who will stand by her friends...
i felt the life i view presently is so sad... if people only live to manipulate others and to be manipulated... i want to believe that things isn't that sadistic... not everybody has a motive behind every action they do...
but while i preach this, i feel i'm not exactly following this strictly if u consider my current uni life. i call my uni friends up when i've got a favour to ask from them... i don't exactly ring them up just for a chat or stuff... neither will i go on crazy shopping trips... or appear when they ring up on me to ask me out straightaway...
i hate that. i hate people doing things because of some hidden agenda. that's y i'm disgusted with those people who try to seek attention or some sort of gains from others just by their actions... i'm disgusted with myself for "敷衍" the uni aquintances... i wish i didn't become the person i depise... and i wonder how i can return to the person i once was...
things that happened today made me realise that... i still love the people i once loved... no matter how much they made me love, hate, smile and cry... i'm happy that it once happened. i'm happy that u're doing well now... though u're still as blur as before... haha! thank you... yeap... that's what i really want to say to you... though i doubt u know i'm refering to you, or you'll even view this webby... haha! i know i'm not -that- important to you that u'll show that much concern to visit my blog lar... but still... wish you all the best... live happy ok? i'm going to prove to you that i'll do better than u... and so u better dun lose to me (that fast) ok? or else it's no fun already... haha!
i'm still trying to find my balance... and to find my own opinion on a lot of issues... especially wrt love... i know i have very pessimistic views on love... oh well if i don't have optimistic ideas on trust u can't expect me to be optimistic about love too... =P but still... looking at the things that happened to those around me... geez... all the darkness of human character... i realise i'm probably too naive to maintain on my stand on love... i'm perhaps too idealistic... what true love... now it looks like bull shit... haha~ i wonder if the idea itself stands... what is true love? love that lasts forever? in that case it can't be true... since love dies with death and will fade away with time...
maybe i'm learning to seek answers that can be grasped with my two hands instead of something more abstract and spiritual...
sighz... is this what time does to me?
maybe i'm just speaking in circles until i'm incoherent... i shall stop for now and continue soon...
and nope i'm not here to talk about singapore politics... sadly, my area didn't get to vote... the pap walked over for the hong kah district... so yeap i'm not exactly very interested in the results unlike some of my other friends *eg. miao juan* except whether any opposition parties are represented in the parliment... and i'm happy that the potong pasir side didn't fall to pap's hands... muahahaha! *ok i sound a little... crazy... -_-*
short summary of what i did today... went out to play badminton with zhanxin n wendy this morning... followed by ny class gathering at orchard.... nice dinner wif u guys! and had fun trying to decipher tarot card readings with u guys... haha~ though yuchun complained that she didn't feel she helped pple out with the readings... but hey... somehow i felt tarot cards aren't the ones that give others solutions... pple turn to tarot cards for the shortcut out of their problems... the person in control of their lives is themselves... unless they decide to let the tarot cards take control of their life... but of course... when it comes to big things that has to do with fate perhaps one couldn't exactly "control" their life in that aspect... however i still believe *strangely* that if one has the will... it is still possible to change one's fate in the future... the future is ever changing... don't let what the cards show u get u down... it only serves as a guide... =) *though i would love if the tarot cards can predict what will happen to me in the future... haha~*
after today... i kinda had some new "insights" with my life now... i've had been hiding in my hermit cave for one month... for that month i had been wondering about what i've been doing in my life since i started uni life... sadly i felt as though i've totally lost my goal... i no longer know what i was working for... i thought i was working for myself in the beginning... then i sorta lost that motivation... it's so hard to be independent... but slowly i'm learning how to let go of depending on others... this is a promise to myself... i will not let others make me cling onto them and i will always be self-sufficient... i will be able to survive on my own...
someone had commented *i don't know whether he said it jokingly or what* that i'm the one 敷衍-ing people... while i kept thinking that it's others that are doing it to one another... after he commented on that i started to think back... and realise... it's probably my perception that made me 敷衍 others instead of others doing to me... so why did i feel this way? perhaps it had to do with trust... i don't feel like i trust the new friends i made in uni... maybe that's y i feel and act distant from most of them...
make use of others and let others make use of u... i felt it was some sort of the rule of the working society... maybe i was too cynical... to survive in this dog eat dog cat eat dog (???) world... i tried to make sure others couldn't make use of me without me having no chance of fighting back... i'm tired of being made use by others such that i had totally no control of what i really wanted to do... so i tried to do the opposite... it didn't felt me... strangely... i wonder what made me change my perception of life...
ever since "my world" fell apart and i tried piecing up the shards together... strangely the things held themselves differently... it seemed as though the "old me" was pieced differently now... i no longer felt things as i would have in the past... i didn't feel as emotional as before... morals.. i felt like i've betrayed the morals i held precious last time... it feels as though as one ages... the things they believe in become drenched in the darkness of the world... the original light and purity is washed away with time. or maybe i'm the only one who feels this way... feeling like some criminal guilty of breaking and hurting people's hearts... instead of the sensitive being in the past who tried to heal those hurt by those other "devils"... so now i've succumbed to the dark and joined in... if i judged my current self using my past model of values... i would probably have hated my current self. i keep asking myself why this is so... where is the old me...
and i realise i have totally no idea who my "old self" is... neither my current self.
the current me... money orientated... materialistic? more straightforward, practical, decisive...
the past... moody... gentler... emotional... someone who will stand by her friends...
i felt the life i view presently is so sad... if people only live to manipulate others and to be manipulated... i want to believe that things isn't that sadistic... not everybody has a motive behind every action they do...
but while i preach this, i feel i'm not exactly following this strictly if u consider my current uni life. i call my uni friends up when i've got a favour to ask from them... i don't exactly ring them up just for a chat or stuff... neither will i go on crazy shopping trips... or appear when they ring up on me to ask me out straightaway...
i hate that. i hate people doing things because of some hidden agenda. that's y i'm disgusted with those people who try to seek attention or some sort of gains from others just by their actions... i'm disgusted with myself for "敷衍" the uni aquintances... i wish i didn't become the person i depise... and i wonder how i can return to the person i once was...
things that happened today made me realise that... i still love the people i once loved... no matter how much they made me love, hate, smile and cry... i'm happy that it once happened. i'm happy that u're doing well now... though u're still as blur as before... haha! thank you... yeap... that's what i really want to say to you... though i doubt u know i'm refering to you, or you'll even view this webby... haha! i know i'm not -that- important to you that u'll show that much concern to visit my blog lar... but still... wish you all the best... live happy ok? i'm going to prove to you that i'll do better than u... and so u better dun lose to me (that fast) ok? or else it's no fun already... haha!
i'm still trying to find my balance... and to find my own opinion on a lot of issues... especially wrt love... i know i have very pessimistic views on love... oh well if i don't have optimistic ideas on trust u can't expect me to be optimistic about love too... =P but still... looking at the things that happened to those around me... geez... all the darkness of human character... i realise i'm probably too naive to maintain on my stand on love... i'm perhaps too idealistic... what true love... now it looks like bull shit... haha~ i wonder if the idea itself stands... what is true love? love that lasts forever? in that case it can't be true... since love dies with death and will fade away with time...
maybe i'm learning to seek answers that can be grasped with my two hands instead of something more abstract and spiritual...
sighz... is this what time does to me?
maybe i'm just speaking in circles until i'm incoherent... i shall stop for now and continue soon...
29 April 2006
like this new layout? actually i find it a little too overcrowded... this is best viewed in internet explorer... it wun look -that- messy... but unfortunately i'm using mozilla... =S
on a side note... i drew the picture on the left... spent half the day trying to colour it... first i used watercolour... turns out i totally lack the skill... so i tried to use computer to colour it... oh well... guess i'm not cut out to be some animator or manga artist... wahahaha~
i'll post more on this layout... it is actually sorta inspired by a story i got to know... i guess only a few would know of this story... called ice and dark...
just a few days more before i can finally crawl out of my hermit shell... *not that i'm in it now anyway*
and i've got loads to rant on... imagine all 1 month's worth of posts all built up and stuff... when i explode... ahems... just... be careful... wahaha~
okies... onto the story... ice and dark...
on a side note... i drew the picture on the left... spent half the day trying to colour it... first i used watercolour... turns out i totally lack the skill... so i tried to use computer to colour it... oh well... guess i'm not cut out to be some animator or manga artist... wahahaha~
i'll post more on this layout... it is actually sorta inspired by a story i got to know... i guess only a few would know of this story... called ice and dark...
just a few days more before i can finally crawl out of my hermit shell... *not that i'm in it now anyway*
and i've got loads to rant on... imagine all 1 month's worth of posts all built up and stuff... when i explode... ahems... just... be careful... wahaha~
okies... onto the story... ice and dark...
Ice and Dark
Ice and Dark
Once upon a time, a simple peasant girl called Freedert lived in a village. There were two boys whom she was friends with when she was young, Elliot and Kael. The three of them were always together. However at some point, Elliot and Freedert fell in love with one another. Elliot was the son of a fedual lord who lorded over a great expanse of land. Due to the social difference between the couple, nobody around them would accept their love. Yet, their love only deepened, and no matter what others said, they were happy. They promised to be together forever.
However, war began, and Elliot was to defend the village. "I will definitely come back alive", Elliot told Freedert. Believing his words, Freedert gave Elliot a sword to protect himself.
On the morning Elliot was to leave, he asked Kael, his best friend who he believed could be trusted, to look after Freedert. However, Kael was also madly in love with Freedert, enough to make him hate his best friend.
Kael went to the work of art that had been handed down in the village -- the Second Hand of Time, believed to be the guardian of time, and made a forbidden wish.
"Please, stop Elliot's time. I know that I'm wrong to ask this, but... I don't want Freedert to belong to him... If Elliot dies in battle, I'm sure Freedert will..."
Elliot took a spear in the back and died in battle while protecting the last fortress protecting the village. That spear had the shape of a giant second hand.
Hearing news of Elliot's death, Freedert ran to the Second Hand of Time and prayed.
"Please give all of my time to him."
The artwork granted her wish. Freedert's time was given to Elliot, and he returned to life. Instead of a pool of his own blood, Elliot was surrounded by the scarlet roses that Freedert had loved. He returned to the village, where he saw a cold gravestone with Freedert's name carved upon it. This time, Elliot went to the Second Hand of Time and prayed.
"If it is her light that is giving me life, I return this light to her."
With that, Elliot drew the sword Freedert had given to protect him, and stabbed himself.
At the foot of the Second Hand of Time where Elliot had fallen, the sword emitted a strange light...
Kael's End
Kael never though that his wish would lead to the death of his beloved Freedert. He continually suffered from regret and dispair. Then, after writing the story "Ice and Dark" as a way to pass the story down, and as a confession, he was finally allowed to die.
Elliot's sword became known as the "Link Pin of Time" and went missing after Kael's death...
The Second Hand of Time
The Second Hand of Time cannot move time that had been stopped. All it could do was to freeze Freedert's time when she made her wish. Ever since, Freedert's soul and the Second Hand of Time exist as one, frozen within the artwork.
The Second Hand of Time saved Freedert from the clutches of death, while Freedert saved the artwork from being destroyed by its makers out of fear of the magic harboured by the artpiece. The makers were touched by Freedert's strong feelings, thus the Second Hand of Time was spared from its fate.
In the meantime, Freedert waited for Elliot, believing that he would return to her side someday. Though Elliot was already dead, Freedert believed his soul was still alive. It might be in a different vessel, but Freedert was certain he was searching for her...
The Fate of the Second Hand of Time
However, the Second Hand of Time was being worn down as time passes, and it reached the end of its time.
Just before Freedert disappears together with the Second Hand of Time, the Link Pin of Time was uncovered by the descendant of the Second Hand of Time's makers. In an attempt to grant the artwork's last wish, the descendant delievered Elliot's sword to the Second Hand of Time.
Freedert was dying within the Second Hand of Time when she saw Elliot falling through the air towards her. Bursting with joy that her wait was not in vain, she embraced Elliot, and they finally fulfilled their promise to be together forever. However, Elliot's soul was actually in the form of the sword, and it pierced through Freedert's soul, releasing a flurry of scarlet rose petals...
And the Second Hand of Time shattered...
No matter what happens,
never let go of the person important to you.
Don't choose death
in order to protect them.
No matter what happens,
you must live to protect them.
Humans tried to capture time, which has no shape, to make something.
So that humans, who are not eternal, can believe in eternity...
*special thanks/credits to the subbers at #shounen.AI for the translation... this story was originally presented in japanese in an anime...
Caged Bird
高く どのくらい 飛んでいったら
遙か遠くの 君が みえなくなるの？
瞳 そらせば 樂になるのかもしれない
でも いつもどこかで 見つめていたい
忘れることなんて できはしないから
なす術もなく 空を見上げてるだけ
まるで籠の中の 小さな鳥のように
窗を探して あてもなく さまよっている
今すぐに會いたい 君が好きだから
傷つくことが 恐くて逃げたいけど
見えない柵に 翼 囚われても
それでも君は 悲しいほど 大切な人
takaku dono kurai tonde ittara
haruka tooku no kimi ga mienaku naru no?
hitomi soraseba raku ni naru no kamo shirenai
demo itsumo dokoka de mitsumete itai
wasureru koto nante deki wa shinai kara
nasu sube mo naku sora wo miageteru dake
marude kago no kana no chiisana tori no you ni
mado wo sagashite atemo naku samayotte iru
ima sugu ni aitai kimi ga suki dakara
kizutsuku koto ga kowakute nigetai kedo
mienai shigarami ni tsubasa torawaretemo
sore demo kimi wa kanashii hodo taisetsu na hito
Hitomi soraseba raku ni naru kamo shirenai
Demo itsumo dokoka de mitsumete itai
How high would I have to fly
To lose sight of you, so far away?
If I turn my eyes away, I might feel better.
But I want to always be looking at you from somewhere.
Because there's no way I could forget you.
At my wits' end, I simply keep staring up at the sky.
It's almost as if I were like a small bird inside a cage,
Searching for the window, aimlessly wandering around.
I want to see you right away, because I love you,
Even though I want to run away because I'm scared of being hurt.
If this unseen barrier around me should tear away my wings,
Still, you are so precious to me that it makes me sad.
Once upon a time, a simple peasant girl called Freedert lived in a village. There were two boys whom she was friends with when she was young, Elliot and Kael. The three of them were always together. However at some point, Elliot and Freedert fell in love with one another. Elliot was the son of a fedual lord who lorded over a great expanse of land. Due to the social difference between the couple, nobody around them would accept their love. Yet, their love only deepened, and no matter what others said, they were happy. They promised to be together forever.
However, war began, and Elliot was to defend the village. "I will definitely come back alive", Elliot told Freedert. Believing his words, Freedert gave Elliot a sword to protect himself.
On the morning Elliot was to leave, he asked Kael, his best friend who he believed could be trusted, to look after Freedert. However, Kael was also madly in love with Freedert, enough to make him hate his best friend.
Kael went to the work of art that had been handed down in the village -- the Second Hand of Time, believed to be the guardian of time, and made a forbidden wish.
"Please, stop Elliot's time. I know that I'm wrong to ask this, but... I don't want Freedert to belong to him... If Elliot dies in battle, I'm sure Freedert will..."
Elliot took a spear in the back and died in battle while protecting the last fortress protecting the village. That spear had the shape of a giant second hand.
Hearing news of Elliot's death, Freedert ran to the Second Hand of Time and prayed.
"Please give all of my time to him."
The artwork granted her wish. Freedert's time was given to Elliot, and he returned to life. Instead of a pool of his own blood, Elliot was surrounded by the scarlet roses that Freedert had loved. He returned to the village, where he saw a cold gravestone with Freedert's name carved upon it. This time, Elliot went to the Second Hand of Time and prayed.
"If it is her light that is giving me life, I return this light to her."
With that, Elliot drew the sword Freedert had given to protect him, and stabbed himself.
At the foot of the Second Hand of Time where Elliot had fallen, the sword emitted a strange light...
Kael's End
Kael never though that his wish would lead to the death of his beloved Freedert. He continually suffered from regret and dispair. Then, after writing the story "Ice and Dark" as a way to pass the story down, and as a confession, he was finally allowed to die.
Elliot's sword became known as the "Link Pin of Time" and went missing after Kael's death...
The Second Hand of Time
The Second Hand of Time cannot move time that had been stopped. All it could do was to freeze Freedert's time when she made her wish. Ever since, Freedert's soul and the Second Hand of Time exist as one, frozen within the artwork.
The Second Hand of Time saved Freedert from the clutches of death, while Freedert saved the artwork from being destroyed by its makers out of fear of the magic harboured by the artpiece. The makers were touched by Freedert's strong feelings, thus the Second Hand of Time was spared from its fate.
In the meantime, Freedert waited for Elliot, believing that he would return to her side someday. Though Elliot was already dead, Freedert believed his soul was still alive. It might be in a different vessel, but Freedert was certain he was searching for her...
The Fate of the Second Hand of Time
However, the Second Hand of Time was being worn down as time passes, and it reached the end of its time.
Just before Freedert disappears together with the Second Hand of Time, the Link Pin of Time was uncovered by the descendant of the Second Hand of Time's makers. In an attempt to grant the artwork's last wish, the descendant delievered Elliot's sword to the Second Hand of Time.
Freedert was dying within the Second Hand of Time when she saw Elliot falling through the air towards her. Bursting with joy that her wait was not in vain, she embraced Elliot, and they finally fulfilled their promise to be together forever. However, Elliot's soul was actually in the form of the sword, and it pierced through Freedert's soul, releasing a flurry of scarlet rose petals...
And the Second Hand of Time shattered...
No matter what happens,
never let go of the person important to you.
Don't choose death
in order to protect them.
No matter what happens,
you must live to protect them.
Humans tried to capture time, which has no shape, to make something.
So that humans, who are not eternal, can believe in eternity...
*special thanks/credits to the subbers at #shounen.AI for the translation... this story was originally presented in japanese in an anime...
Caged Bird
高く どのくらい 飛んでいったら
遙か遠くの 君が みえなくなるの？
瞳 そらせば 樂になるのかもしれない
でも いつもどこかで 見つめていたい
忘れることなんて できはしないから
なす術もなく 空を見上げてるだけ
まるで籠の中の 小さな鳥のように
窗を探して あてもなく さまよっている
今すぐに會いたい 君が好きだから
傷つくことが 恐くて逃げたいけど
見えない柵に 翼 囚われても
それでも君は 悲しいほど 大切な人
takaku dono kurai tonde ittara
haruka tooku no kimi ga mienaku naru no?
hitomi soraseba raku ni naru no kamo shirenai
demo itsumo dokoka de mitsumete itai
wasureru koto nante deki wa shinai kara
nasu sube mo naku sora wo miageteru dake
marude kago no kana no chiisana tori no you ni
mado wo sagashite atemo naku samayotte iru
ima sugu ni aitai kimi ga suki dakara
kizutsuku koto ga kowakute nigetai kedo
mienai shigarami ni tsubasa torawaretemo
sore demo kimi wa kanashii hodo taisetsu na hito
Hitomi soraseba raku ni naru kamo shirenai
Demo itsumo dokoka de mitsumete itai
How high would I have to fly
To lose sight of you, so far away?
If I turn my eyes away, I might feel better.
But I want to always be looking at you from somewhere.
Because there's no way I could forget you.
At my wits' end, I simply keep staring up at the sky.
It's almost as if I were like a small bird inside a cage,
Searching for the window, aimlessly wandering around.
I want to see you right away, because I love you,
Even though I want to run away because I'm scared of being hurt.
If this unseen barrier around me should tear away my wings,
Still, you are so precious to me that it makes me sad.
03 April 2006
this shall be my last post before i officially go into the mountains to become a hermit to mug hard n concentrate for my exams.
up till now... i don't even know what i have been doing. for a while these two days i thought i had found my goal... that is to work hard to maintain my gpa, if not increase it... but look at today... i just flunked my two tests... i doubt anyone will believe if i said that infront of my tutorial mates... i don't know how i feel... ashamed? indifferent? worried? i seriously have no idea. for the first time out of 7 questions in physics i only know how to do 2... and i've got the formula list with me somemore?! wth is going on with me? i kinda hate myself now.
i realised i have lost my motivation to study. kinda depressed now... no idea why that's the case, or whatever that's bothering me. maybe it's bad karma for all the bad things i've done this semester and maybe in the past as well. heaven is fair. it rewards those who worked hard enough and "punishes" those who slacked. oh well i admit i slacked quite a lot this sem... i wasn't very serious... and i lost my determination so damn easily. so whoever that's up there... i think they're having a good laugh at me.
reflecting on the day now... i think it sux. first i flunk the two tests... secondly i tripped on a step on the staircase... i malu myself in front of a guy in my class... in addition i think i accidentally strained my ankle... then after that when i went home on the bus i banged my head on the ceiling of the double decker bus. when i reached home i realise that there had been a huge swarm of bees that "invaded" my parent's room... and my parents had spent the afternoon getting rid of that huge hive... but still there were some fly around in my house... when i went home i was damn freaked out by the lone bee in the bathroom... din dare to bathe... the whole house was enclosed... all windows shut in fear of the remaining bees outside my house would come in from the bathroom window... i guess my family got irritated by me for my fear of bees... and i'm the only one in the family squealing with the bees whether dead or alive in wherever i was... sighz. i'm scared of bees. i'm scared of things that fly. i admit i'm selfish cos i don't wana help u guys to "clear" the bees cos i'm scared of those bees... so i'm sorry i can't do anything to help u guys...
geez. i really hate myself.
what's wrong with me?
i don't even have a single idea.
just that... maybe there's too much things running around in my head now... i don't even know how to sort them out properly.
am i happy? sad?
maybe i'm just lost.
procrastinating wouldn't help! for goodness sake. stop it!
i think i'm going hysterical.
up till now... i don't even know what i have been doing. for a while these two days i thought i had found my goal... that is to work hard to maintain my gpa, if not increase it... but look at today... i just flunked my two tests... i doubt anyone will believe if i said that infront of my tutorial mates... i don't know how i feel... ashamed? indifferent? worried? i seriously have no idea. for the first time out of 7 questions in physics i only know how to do 2... and i've got the formula list with me somemore?! wth is going on with me? i kinda hate myself now.
i realised i have lost my motivation to study. kinda depressed now... no idea why that's the case, or whatever that's bothering me. maybe it's bad karma for all the bad things i've done this semester and maybe in the past as well. heaven is fair. it rewards those who worked hard enough and "punishes" those who slacked. oh well i admit i slacked quite a lot this sem... i wasn't very serious... and i lost my determination so damn easily. so whoever that's up there... i think they're having a good laugh at me.
reflecting on the day now... i think it sux. first i flunk the two tests... secondly i tripped on a step on the staircase... i malu myself in front of a guy in my class... in addition i think i accidentally strained my ankle... then after that when i went home on the bus i banged my head on the ceiling of the double decker bus. when i reached home i realise that there had been a huge swarm of bees that "invaded" my parent's room... and my parents had spent the afternoon getting rid of that huge hive... but still there were some fly around in my house... when i went home i was damn freaked out by the lone bee in the bathroom... din dare to bathe... the whole house was enclosed... all windows shut in fear of the remaining bees outside my house would come in from the bathroom window... i guess my family got irritated by me for my fear of bees... and i'm the only one in the family squealing with the bees whether dead or alive in wherever i was... sighz. i'm scared of bees. i'm scared of things that fly. i admit i'm selfish cos i don't wana help u guys to "clear" the bees cos i'm scared of those bees... so i'm sorry i can't do anything to help u guys...
geez. i really hate myself.
what's wrong with me?
i don't even have a single idea.
just that... maybe there's too much things running around in my head now... i don't even know how to sort them out properly.
am i happy? sad?
maybe i'm just lost.
procrastinating wouldn't help! for goodness sake. stop it!
i think i'm going hysterical.
01 April 2006
tried to study at macs today... in the end got chased away cos they wanted to use the seat i occupied for the birthday party... siandeds i left macs... went to loiter around west mall... before that sundoll guy popped by macs... passed me manga... got me surprised earlier cos he tricked me saying he was at my house there ask me go down to get stuff from him when i mugging in macs... yeap that was the first and probably the only april fool's day joke i'll receive today anyway... haha~
anyway... went west mall... walked around aimlessly... went to the library in hope that perhaps i could mug there... found a seat there... and only to realise... that it was the same exact seat i sat down at slightly more than a year ago... strangely that memory was still fresh... and that was all to sorta sink my mood.
i remembered i had lunch break that time... i was still working at west mall atrium there... and i had quickly ate lunch... so that i could go to the library, find a place to do my cross stitch... i remembered how happy i was... despite how tiring it was... yet... now... that unfinished cross stitch stood lying in my room, somewhere hidden away...
enough. i thought i had buried you away into the depths of my memories... but u still came back.
够了。这难道是你在愚人节对我开的玩笑吗？
够了。我不想再听到你说的谎言。
够了。我根本就不再需要你了。
够了。请你让我自由。
我要快乐
歌手：张惠妹 专辑：我要快乐
又被爱伤了一遍
无所谓当作成长
刚刚走开的人
烟还点着味道却淡了
我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有
我要快乐 我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨我早应该割舍
我要快乐 哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
只有眼泪是真的
把从前想了一遍
谢谢了伤我的人
想做乐观的人
每种雨声听了都不冷
我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有
我要快乐 我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨我早应该割舍
我要快乐 哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
我的决定是对的
anyway... went west mall... walked around aimlessly... went to the library in hope that perhaps i could mug there... found a seat there... and only to realise... that it was the same exact seat i sat down at slightly more than a year ago... strangely that memory was still fresh... and that was all to sorta sink my mood.
i remembered i had lunch break that time... i was still working at west mall atrium there... and i had quickly ate lunch... so that i could go to the library, find a place to do my cross stitch... i remembered how happy i was... despite how tiring it was... yet... now... that unfinished cross stitch stood lying in my room, somewhere hidden away...
enough. i thought i had buried you away into the depths of my memories... but u still came back.
够了。这难道是你在愚人节对我开的玩笑吗？
够了。我不想再听到你说的谎言。
够了。我根本就不再需要你了。
够了。请你让我自由。
我要快乐
歌手：张惠妹 专辑：我要快乐
又被爱伤了一遍
无所谓当作成长
刚刚走开的人
烟还点着味道却淡了
我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有
我要快乐 我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨我早应该割舍
我要快乐 哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
只有眼泪是真的
把从前想了一遍
谢谢了伤我的人
想做乐观的人
每种雨声听了都不冷
我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有
我要快乐 我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨我早应该割舍
我要快乐 哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
我的决定是对的
28 March 2006
late in the night at around 1.30am now...
feeling tireds... back aching like siao... but strangely i don't wanna sleep...
don't wanna admit i'm tireds... don't wanna stop in my path now...
keep running... till the finishing line...
where is the finishing line? it seems so far away...
is the finishing line the day when i finish my exams? or is it the day i lay in eternal slumber?
i've come to admit that no matter what, what that has to happen will happen. there's no way to avoid that. maybe i'm being extremely fatalistic now... i tried to "challenge" fate... i don't know whether i look forward to what fate brings to me... jokes or pain or whatever... i don't even know whether i cared what was going to happen to me. loads of thoughts passing through my mind quickly... without giving me the chance to catch them, to conceptualise them... listening to ah mei's 我要快乐... thinking about a poem i saw a long time ago... "i hate how u make me not hate u. not even a single bit" *ok this was based on memory... exact poem look through my archives* thinking about the distant past which somehow didn't hurt as much as before. it's good that things seem to have faded. i'm still learning to move on... to live independently without much support from others. i guess the only person one can depend on is yourself. take care of yourself before you can think of taking care of others. all these sound so easy to be done... but of course. it's the converse.
there are times i think my life is a joke. seriously... i think i messed up my life quite a number of times until i have no idea where i am heading. i'm just following whatever the road brings me to...
there are also times when i feel totally helpless down my life path... like i have absolutely no control over the things that were about to happen... even if i knew it was coming... even if i tried to do anything to stop it from happening... the inevitable will still occur... you taught me that.
there are also times when i feel totally stupid... trying to tell myself repeatedly the lies i've made up for you... to explain for the things that have happened... that it wasn't intentional... that it didn't mean anything...
there are times when i just feel like stoning... stopping in the middle of the path and wait for some miracle to happen to move me. tired of making the bad choices. tired of getting hurt. tired of running for some unknown goal. what is the purpose of life itself? i have no idea at all. opps this could become depressing if such a thought persists...
computing quiz tomolo! i've promised bing hui i would finish physics tutorial tonites and i'm slacking away... playing all my games throughout the night... haven't finished studying computing too! i wanna give up already... procrastination at its peak tonites... pre-exam stress probably? strangely playing games did not make me destress at all... in the end i'm a little more stressed cos i haven't done what i'm supposed to do... sighz...
staying over at yin yin's n shian chi's room tml... meaning i might waste my night again tml... sighz~ exams are coming! do buck up sotong! =(
feeling tireds... back aching like siao... but strangely i don't wanna sleep...
don't wanna admit i'm tireds... don't wanna stop in my path now...
keep running... till the finishing line...
where is the finishing line? it seems so far away...
is the finishing line the day when i finish my exams? or is it the day i lay in eternal slumber?
i've come to admit that no matter what, what that has to happen will happen. there's no way to avoid that. maybe i'm being extremely fatalistic now... i tried to "challenge" fate... i don't know whether i look forward to what fate brings to me... jokes or pain or whatever... i don't even know whether i cared what was going to happen to me. loads of thoughts passing through my mind quickly... without giving me the chance to catch them, to conceptualise them... listening to ah mei's 我要快乐... thinking about a poem i saw a long time ago... "i hate how u make me not hate u. not even a single bit" *ok this was based on memory... exact poem look through my archives* thinking about the distant past which somehow didn't hurt as much as before. it's good that things seem to have faded. i'm still learning to move on... to live independently without much support from others. i guess the only person one can depend on is yourself. take care of yourself before you can think of taking care of others. all these sound so easy to be done... but of course. it's the converse.
there are times i think my life is a joke. seriously... i think i messed up my life quite a number of times until i have no idea where i am heading. i'm just following whatever the road brings me to...
there are also times when i feel totally helpless down my life path... like i have absolutely no control over the things that were about to happen... even if i knew it was coming... even if i tried to do anything to stop it from happening... the inevitable will still occur... you taught me that.
there are also times when i feel totally stupid... trying to tell myself repeatedly the lies i've made up for you... to explain for the things that have happened... that it wasn't intentional... that it didn't mean anything...
there are times when i just feel like stoning... stopping in the middle of the path and wait for some miracle to happen to move me. tired of making the bad choices. tired of getting hurt. tired of running for some unknown goal. what is the purpose of life itself? i have no idea at all. opps this could become depressing if such a thought persists...
computing quiz tomolo! i've promised bing hui i would finish physics tutorial tonites and i'm slacking away... playing all my games throughout the night... haven't finished studying computing too! i wanna give up already... procrastination at its peak tonites... pre-exam stress probably? strangely playing games did not make me destress at all... in the end i'm a little more stressed cos i haven't done what i'm supposed to do... sighz...
staying over at yin yin's n shian chi's room tml... meaning i might waste my night again tml... sighz~ exams are coming! do buck up sotong! =(
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