do you have anybody that you hate in your life?

sadly, i guess i have a few. well. a few that i dislike maybe. ok there's one, who betrayed my trust wayyy back in the past, but i guess i've come to consensus with that. i guess i understood why it happened, though i was hurt, but i guess i have already forgiven her. i can't say that when i hear news from her i'll wish her well, but i will be nonchalant and just take in the information...

however, there is one i have absolute strong feelings of disgust. yes, he betrayed my trust too, which was wayyy back in the past too, and i guess i do have a pretty good understanding of why he did it. but whenever i hear news about him, i have this strange strong feelings of anger towards him. sometimes so much to the point i wish i could just make him disappear from my world. or to wish that he's miserable. and the most funny thing is i had absolutely no intention of having such intense feelings of hatred. i wonder why. i would so much prefer to be nonchalant like the previous case...

how can we resolve such feelings of... hate? what is hate?

they say there is only a fine line between love and hatred. i guess it's true to some extent, they are both strong emotions felt with respect to some object or person in general. however, they are emotions from two extremities, and it amazes me how people can switch from one extreme to the other in a short period of time. take for example my relationship with durians. when i was very young (in my secondary school days) i loved durians, i would enjoy eating them with my family almost every weekend! yet, after eating something i loved so frequently, i got really sick of them, and since my jc days, whenever people offer me durian i would turn them down. well even right now, i can't get over my withdrawl from durian though i have not touched it for 6 years... (and there's a durian sitting in my house waiting for me to eat it up...)

well there's one really interesting example. take my relationship with my mum. i would never say i adore her. but there are times i really do hate her. which is really funny cos one moment i chat with her like she's my close friend and the other moment i'll want to scream her down the road and not want to have any relations with her at all. and sometimes i'll be indifferent to what happens to her too.

this being said though, i do not enjoy such feelings of hatred. i hate it when i get upset because of such feelings towards someone that results in me acting in ways i ususally don't. as such i wish to seek reconcilation, but i have no idea how to do that.

they say time heals all wounds too and feelings fade with time. however 6 years... of my durian relationship and i could not resolve it. 5 years with that particular person i hate, and those feelings are still strong. erms... 23 years with my mum and... ok i still have very bad mood swing when she's around. opps. i really don't mean it, but definitely it seems in these cases feelings do not fade with time. haha~

i read my chat log with my friend 3 years ago by accident today. it was amazing, i didn't knew i could say such philosophical things... about life, about our world and society... but looking at the things i say or do or even think now... they're so... mundane. i've become more financially independent, saw more of the world, experienced more joy and heartbreak... so what? instead of giving more things thought and gaining my own perspective of the world, i have become more and more drawn to my own personal problems, taking in information and not going the extra mile to process them.

even now, i'm still looking at my inner self instead of giving attention to things beyond my personal needs and boundaries.

perhaps, in order to go beyond our own boundaries, we need to first satisfy our own needs. once we have satisfied the basic physiological, safety, love/belonging, and esteem needs, (of the Maslow's hierarchy of needs) before we can even talk about morality and etc. could it be that i have unfulfilled needs from the lower levels of the hierarchy, causing me to have left out the satisfaction of higher level moral and creativity needs?

then again, maybe this is all an excuse.

I didn't realize that the meaning of the lyrics behind this song was that meaningful... Now that I finally understood what it was trying to say, i feel in love with this song immediately...



手紙 ～拝啓 十五の君へ～
アンジェラ・アキ

拝啓　この手紙　呼んでいるあなたは　
どこで何をしているのだろう　　　　　　　　　　　

十五の僕には　誰にも話せない　
悩みの種があるのです

未来の自分に宛てて書く手紙なら
きっと素直に打ち明けられるだろう

今 負けそうで 泣きそうで　
消えてしまいそうな僕は　　　　　　　　　　　　　　
誰の言葉を信じ歩けばいいの　　　　　　　　　　　

ひとつしかない　この胸が　
なんどもバラバラに割れて
苦しい中で　今を生きている　
今を生きている

拝啓　ありがとう　十五のあなたに
伝えたいことがあるのです

自分とはなにで どこへ向かうべきか　
問い続ければ見えてくる

荒れた青春の　海はきびしいけれど　
明日の岸辺へと　夢の船よ進め

今　負けないで　泣かないで　
消えてしまいそうな時は　
自分の声を信じ歩けばいいの

大人の僕も　　
傷ついて眠れない夜はあるけど　
苦くて甘い　今を生きている

人生のすべてに意味があるから　Woh Woh
恐れずにあなたの夢を育てて　

LaLaLa　　　LaLaLa 　　LaLaLa　　　　　Keep on believing　
LaLaLa　　　LaLaLa 　　LaLaLa　　　　　Keep on believing
Keep on believing　　　　　　　　　　　　　
Keep on believing

負けそうで　泣きそうで　
消えてしまいそうな僕は
誰の言葉を信じ歩いていけばいいの　Ah Ah

負けないで　泣かないで
消えてしまいそうな時は　
自分の声を　信じ歩けばいいの

いつの時代も　
悲しみを避けては通れないけど　
笑顔を見せて　　
今を生きていこう　今を生きていこう

拝啓 この手紙 呼んでいるあなたが
幸せなことを願います．．．

i guess it really takes great courage for creativity and innovation to be expressed. or even by being different. that's the thought i had while i was browsing through the verner panton exhibition at the national museum of singapore.

ok i must admit it's a rare thing for me to suggest a trip down to the museum... i guess the tv show introducing the exhibits available at our museums did give me an idea... you might think... what? only geeks go to the museum! but no no no... if u're a student and your school would most likely have subscribed to the corporate membership of museums, you actually can visit some of the exhibits at museums for free! what a great way for a cheap date (opps!) or just to kill time, and to broaden your horizons at the same time! but of course, it's best if you're down there with a curious mind...

it was a pity that i forgot my camera for this trip... but to compensate, i'll find some photos online to elaborate on what i'll have to say! :D wonders of the internet hees~

ok first things first, verner panton (not vernier as in the vernier calipers u lab freak) is a designer and architect from denmark (1926 - 1998)... some of his really famous designs includes the panton chair as shown below...



well, the first thing that came to mind when i saw the exhibits was... what? wad's so interesting about this guy? i mean, this chair just looks like the ones i see in ikea! but but but... hold ur horses! this guy actually designed this very modern looking chair in 1967! that's like... 40 years ago! and at that period of time, people stick to conventional wooden chairs... verner panton actually dared to experiment with various materials such as plastic in the panton chair, as well as steel in various designs such as the bachelor chair below, which once again may seem like a normal chair we can find at ikea... but keep in mind, the bachelor chair was designed by verner panton in 1955...



... and verner panton actually dared to experiment with colours... he was also a textile designer who tries to incorporate basic shapes in his designs... his designs actually remind me of the symmetry homework i had in primary school! so i was really amazed that he actually became famous for thinking of how to arrange simple geometric or organic shapes into designs! this design below is made up of organic shape that resembles the cross section of an onion...



my favourite item of the exhibit is the heart shaped cone chair designed in 1959... it is amazing how he could support the weight of a person with the design of an inverted cone shaped chair... and the heart shape he incorporated at the top makes it even more special... i wonder if he designed this for his gf then... hees! presenting below... the heart shaped cone chair!!!



all these amazing works did not appear just in a day or two, or even within weeks or months. he had to go through a lot of experimenting, and he definitely did not succeed overnight. just for the panton chair, he had to go through all the different kinds of materials available before he settled for plastic, which was totally unconventional at that point in time... and even so, there is probably no way for him to spring this innovative idea all by his own... his ideas actually sparked off from others before him, and even from other industries perhaps... his designs emphasize on modularity and systematic designs, which is a concept well-known to engineers like me... and he incorporated these ideas into his designs, which others proclaim him to be a really creative and innovative designer...

thus, to be "creative", we don't really have to start from scratch... if we broaden our horizons, and then incorporate ideas from other areas into the field we are working on, that would become a source of creativity. this sounds a little like blue ocean strategy isn't it, it's like a formula for innovation! but of course this is just one of the possible ways to spark creativity perhaps...

the next problem to consider probably, would be whether one is daring enough to put his creative ideas into actions. verner panton might actually be one of the few lucky ones who made it big with his novel ideas... there might be others out there who did think of things out of the box, but remained relatively unknown and have yet to be acknowledged. and i bet people's initial response to such fresh ideas might not have been very positive... so how did creative and innovative people such as verner panton actually find the drive to keep doing things that are different?

passion perhaps? or was it their stubborness to try something that's relatively different? or it was their desire to spread their ideas to others around them? or could it even be something as absurb (to me at least) as to fulfilling their dream of changing (even a small part of) the world???

i suppose, a vital portion to their actions would be courage. the courage to be different. the courage to persist despite negative reactions to their works.














i really wonder. in facing with my quarter life crisis (opps i'm quoting you zhida) will i have the courage to persist? in a path that's so much different from what others trek down... and in a path where i might face prejudice... do i really have to do this? i might be much better off if i take the common path to become a conventional engineer (oh so boring)... why must i do something radically different from others? and what if the path i have in mind turns out to be unsuitable for me? there is just so much uncertainty that i am so hesitant to make my decision...

i was kinda fearless initially when i applied for a job in the gaming industry... and i was quite confident of getting it... like... 66%? haha! then in the end i guess i kamikazed myself because i just had to voice my opinion during the final interview (which wasn't necessary in the first place... but oh well... haha~)

well... failure was not supposed to demoralize me -that- much. but some of the questions posted to me during my interviews did start me thinking... like how the gaming industry is male-dominant... this means there are few girls, and i would be very likely to have differing opinions from the majority in project teams... and this industry might not be that... sympathetic to female related issues, such as settling down and establishing a family... i mean, this industry most likely requires a lot of OT on a pretty regular basis... if i were to have my own family, the time i have for them would be minimal... which is something i'm unwilling to compromise at this point in time.

and... as i tried to apply for the game designer position... when i was asked whether i had written any stories recently, i replied honestly that i didn't. but i do blog (though not so much on a regular basis during my final year in school...) which i didn't really mention in the end... i guess my blog entries do flow pretty well... erms... right? haha! but i did start to doubt whether i'm good at story telling... i'm such a NEET and i can't really communicate verbally that well... i guess i'm a little better at writing...? haha~ i'm not -that- bad right? it doesn't mean that if i haven't written stories, or even told stories verbally, that i'm not good at them, isn't it? =X

and since i didn't get the job i had tried so hard for, i started making backup plans... which involve me taking a one year diploma course in game programming... when i went to submit my application form, the company providing the course seemed... dubious. and that's when i really became doubtful about my choice of taking the course. i mean... with all these challenges i foresee, is it really worth it for me to go all out of the way, just to achieve something i find... interesting? i mean, i can go on with my life with a normal (read. boring~) software engineer job and have a much higher paying job with my ideal 5 day work week... why should i take the tougher path??? why should i try to be different?













this brings me to other points about my life which i have just set them aside and not done much pondering yet. the idea of working hard for a certain goal. we work hard on something because we feel that the end result is something worthwhile right? what if... the end result we foresee has no value? would you still work hard on it? or would you just sit back and just let it go auto pilot (as in just... not do much for it)?

this was the issue i had with my fyp for the past year. i knew, no matter how hard i work on my final year project, my results would neither go up nor down. so... should i put in all my energy on this project? or just let it slide?

my decision was to just take it easy. i mean... why bother when there is no change in the end result? to me that's the same as having no value in working hard.

when my mum found out i got a b+ for my fyp(which isn't that bad, though we knew i could do much better than that) she asked me what happened, so i voiced out my thoughts. i regretted later as i could tell she was really sad that i had totally no motivation for the project which was already over by now. and i felt sad because i knew what i said had hurt her. i mean, i was so self-motivated in the past, what happened to me man.

and ever since the end of school... i have been like a couch potato ever since... never contributing to the society (by working), just eating sleeping playing game and repeat the above cycle... i'm just like a worthless bum... (opps that sounds really harsh) i mean i enjoy this kind of hikikomori life once in a while, but for me to have persisted for a month was really... omg for my mum. so when i told her that if i don't see any value in working for something, then i wouldn't do it... my mum said... there's like no value in taking care of me cos i'm like a pig these days and totally not contributing to the family or society, then why should she do it?

hmmmmms good question... hees... cos of responsibility? nahh? hmmms i wonder...

i probably can't find a satisfactory answer to this question...

i guess... we should work hard first, when we see value in the end result of our efforts. even when hard work seems not to be worthwhile, we'll slog for it because of responsibility. or the will to self-improve. ahh. all the philosophy. i'm a little skeptical about this though i'm the one who said it... it's a little like bullshit to me now... haha.

ok, assuming that what i've suggested above is true... what if... we really can't find the above mentioned 3 reasons to work hard? would we still give up in the end? should we? hmmmms... more food for thought.













ok putting that issue aside... back to the career path quarter life crisis... after the museum exhibit, i guess i found a little courage there... well, i'm not the only female that's dreams to work in the gaming industry... it will definitely be hard... but look at all those people before me! there had been people who were the firsts in doing a particular thing... like the first in coming up with a certain design, or the first to participate in a certain kind of event... verner panton is one of the many out there... and... i had a glimpse of the first and only female that participates in bull-fighting from a tv show advertisement... and that's also a male dominated field... if she can do it, why can't i?

nothing's easy... and if i can identify a goal for me to work towards, and if i were to focus on that single goal, i can succeed. though there would be many challenges along the way, but wouldn't it be more fun that way? and isn't it worthwhile to attempt to fulfill a dream while i am still young? i don't wanna regret after most of my life had gone by for not having the courage to dream while i was young...

and... i've played games all my life. i would really really like to work on something that would bring joy to others, just like how it had brought joy and entertainment to me... unlike working on some corporate telecommunications project, which i can't really feel the direct impact of my work on the public... (oh no, i'm not condemning these kind of jobs, really. it's just... not my cup of tea perhaps?)















so i guess... i'm all set! i just need to pack my passion, feelings, and a little bit of courage into my backpack (and hopefully a torchlight... anyone out there know any torchlights out there? haha) and... i'll be off for my adventure of my lifetime!!! omg. don't i sound a little like luffy out on an adventure? lolx~ thank you verner panton and the mysterious female bull fighter out there! =)

and thanks kt, sheila, wendy and kelvin for helping me convince myself and passing some of ur positivity to me =) i needed that! ^^

Again and again, I'm back at the same question I started out with a few months ago.

I don't know why I felt so terrible trying to tell you my most inner thoughts.
So much that I can't help but to start tearing.
I know it's me. It's not your fault.
The things I said I thought I was going to hurt you.
But you brushed them off as though they're nothing.
Were you really as strong as you seem?

I feel like a lost child
Wandering through darkness
Crying while searching
for that single eternity.
What exactly is that?
True love? Or...?

Between love and career
which would you choose?
I've made a silly mistake 4 years ago.
I'm not going to make the same one again.
The situation this time is so much different.
Even if I knew it would be worth it this time
Would I take the same steps I took before?
I'm sorry I can't trust you 100%
I guess there's no way I could do that
Especially after all those things I had encountered.
I know you think there's no right or wrong
But I want to let you know
It always pained me whenever you're upset.











Sometimes When We Touch

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides













Myself

どうしてどうして　好きなんだろう
こんなに　涙　溢れてる

あの頃は　失うものが多すぎて　何も歌えなかった
少し離れた場所　そこが私の　居場所だった

君の瞳の奥に　あの日　さみしさを見つけた
二人似てるのかな？
気付けばいつも　隣にいてくれた

どうしてこんなに　好きなんだろう
君の声　悲しいほど　響いてるヨ
いままで何が　支えだったか
遠く離れて　わかったよ

泣きながら　捜し続けた　迷子の　子供のように
けどそこには　永遠なんて　あるわけなくて

「誰も信じなければ　いいんだよ」　唾やいたね
二人似てたのかな？
あの時君を　守ると決めたのに

どうして思い出に　できないんだろう
遠すぎて　近すぎて　届かないよ
「忘れよう」って　思えば思うほど
君が大きく　なってくよ

どうしてこんなに　好きなんだろう
君の声　悲しいほど　響いてるヨ
いままで何が　支えだったか
遠く離れて　わかったよ

どうして　君を　好きになったんだろう
簡単すぎて答えにならない













Why, oh why do I love you so much?
My tears overflow this much

Back in that time, there was so much to lose that I couldn't sing anything
The place you had left for a while--That was where I was

That day, deep in your eyes, I saw the loneliness
Are the two of us really alike?
If I'd realized it, you were always by my side

Why do I love you so much?
Your voice rings inside me so much it makes me sad
Just what it was that supported me so much
From afar, I realize it now

Like a lost child, crying and searching
But there was no such thing as forever

"It's okay if you don't believe in anyone" you whispered
Were the two of us really alike?
And I decided then I would protect you

Why can't I turn them to memories
You're too far, too near for me to reach
The more I tell myself "I will forget"
The larger you loom in my thoughts

Why do I love you so much?
Your voice rings (inside me) so much it makes me sad
Just what it was that supported me so much
I realize it now from afar

Why do I love you so much?
It's so easy I just can't answer

i guess i haven't cried in such a long time. ^^
nothing really moves me these days.
but going back to watch something that has once touched me...
i guess it certainly brings back memories.
in fact it made new memories.













私は今まで走っているんだ
何のために？

自分が分かった
大事な物を忘れてしまった
どうやってそのことを思い出すればいいでしょ？

それを見ると、覚えた。
その一所懸命な自分の意志
もう無くしまった。
何のようにがんばるとか、
その必要があるなのか？
今はどんどん分からなくてなってきた。

For those that didn't understand,

All the while I've been running,
What for?

I knew.
I have forgotten the thing that's important to me.
What could I do to remember that?

After watching that, I knew.
That unwavering will I had
was already lost.
For what purpose,
is there any need for it?
All these while I have gradually become unable to understand that.

最初その曲は悲しい気持ばかりだと思った。
でも、もう一度聞くと、人に暖かい感じすることもできる。
それはほんとうにびっくりした。
でも、うれしいだ。

Initially I thought that song can only convey sad feelings.
But, after hearing it one more time, it could also convey warmth to others.
I was alarmed.
But that made me happy.

Eternal Snow

君を好きになって　どれくらい経つのかナ？
気持ち　膨らんでゆくばかりで
君は　この思い気付いているのかナ？
一度も言葉には　してないけど

雪のように　ただ静かに
降り積もり　つづけてゆく

Hold me tight　こんな思いなら
誰かを好きになる気持ち
知りたく　なかったよ
I love you　涙止まらない
こんなんじゃ　君のこと
知らずにいれば　良かったよ

君をいつまで　思っているのかナ？
ため息が窓ガラス　曇らせた

揺れる心　灯すキャンドルで
今　溶かして　ゆけないかナ？

Hold me tight　折れるほど強く
木枯らし　吹雪に出会っても
寒くないようにと
I miss you　君を思うたび
編みかけの　このマフラー
今夜も一人　抱きしめるよ

永遠に降る雪があるなら
君へと続くこの思い　隠せるのかナ？

Hold me tight　こんな思いなら
誰かを好きになる気持ち
知りたく　なかったよ
I love you　胸に込み上げる
冬空に叫びたい
今すぐ君に　会いたいよ





Here's the translation (again! haha)

I fell in love with you
Just how long has it been since then?

My feelings have only been getting stronger.
I wonder have you realized..how I feel..

Even though I never said a word.
It is like a snowflake drifting gently, continuing to pile up...higher and higher.

Hold me tight if this is how it feels...
The feeling of falling in love with someone.
I never want to know that feeling.

I love you, I can't stop my tears from falling.
In that case then you should have never have come into my life.

I wonder how long will I keep thinking about you?
My breath is fogging up the glass window.

My trembling heart...is next to the lit candle...
and melting now... I wonder... will it survive?

Hold me tight, so tight that I might break.
So when we meet in the frigid gate of a blizzard..it won't be cold anymore..

I miss you..I think of you..so far away
With this hand-knit muffler...
I'm here alone..holding myself again tonight...

If the snow keeps on falling forever...will it cover my feeling for you?

Hold me tight if this is how it feels...
The feeling of falling in love with someone.
I never wanted to know that feeling.

I love you, It's filling up in my heart..
I want to shout to the winter sky..
I want to meet you right now...

Hold Me Tight...

I Love You....

it's been a really really long time since i last blogged...

and seriously, i have no idea wad i wanna blog today as well...

just feeling... restless... maybe cos i dun really know wad i wanna do now? despite having so many things weighing on me like my 2 quizzes next week and my piling amount of lagging schoolwork, and not to mention my job-search and possible phd professor search... there's just so many things out there for me to do! but maybe it's cos i know there's so much to do to the point i'm confused between my priorities? that's y i juz wanna procrastinate even for just one more day? haha~

i haven't been really talking about those erms... "cheem" things or thoughts that i have these days... i do think about them actually, just that i probably seldom place them on my blog these days... and now i do have a regular outlet for me to "vent" my frustrations to... *opps sorry to the unfortunate being... haha!* so yups, there's probably less motivation for me to blog. but in my recent japanese class i did discuss this topic with my group... so this kinda sprung the idea that i should probably come back to my blog once in a while... =Pp afterall, i haven't blogged in a month! my goodness!

i guess i'm standing at the crossroads again... unsure of where to go next. should i take a phd and continue down the path of a researcher? or should i try to pursue my interests and work in a job with relatively lower pay? do i need the money as badly as i sound? well, having more money surely wouldn't hurt. and i might be even able to help support my family n stuff... help my dad retire earlier or something... =X i dunno... but definitely having more money is good. but is research definitely the thing for me? would i be able to persist in research work? on the other hand, i'm looking at game programmer jobs which is definitely my passion (i think haha!) but i may or may not get it, and the starting pay would definitely be lower than that of a researcher... =X

my parents advise me to spread my options out... but seriously, i feel it's stressing me... cos i have to put in double the effort others put in for their future path. well, i guess i'm always like that. somehow i have the "disturbing" habit of putting myself at disadvantage, and having to work twice the amount of others bahs... like for japanese class i think i'm doing double the learning as compared to my classmates (i'm not sure of that actually, cos i think some are taking external courses out of school) but some don't seem to even bother with their school work. and then in previous semesters i study and teach tuition at the same time n stuff, having less time on my hands to study play n rest. but it's this stressful life that makes me feel fulfilling. and maybe even happy. lolx~ maybe i'm just a weirdo~~

anyways, i'm feeling really giddy now all of a sudden, maybe it's time to call it a day... =X

just started watching 絶対彼氏 and it's so addictive and shiok... ^^ although the mtv is nothing much, but the actual song makes me feel pretty relaxed and i love it =) here's the lyrics of the ending song by ayaka... enjoy~~

おかえり
絢香

おかえり　sweet home
帰る場所 愛をありがとう

まだ平気なフリをして
悲しみの色を塗りつぶして
笑ってしまうんです
信じることの大切さ　わかってるのに
いざという時　疑ってしまうんです

空っぽの体　流れる時に　
浮いてしまいそうになるけど
あなたのこと　抱きしめたい
このキモチが突きをかすの

おかえり I'm home
一言で　満たされる心
おかえり　sweet home
帰る場所 愛をありがとう sweet home

自分のことばかりを考える
大人はずるいんだと思っていたんです
でも必死で帰ることを 叫んでる人
もいるんだと やっと知ったんです

当たり 前の 幸せなんか　
この世界に一つもない
あなたのため　そう思えた
このキモチが突きをかすの

おかえり　I'm home
スピードが加速してく毎日
おかえり sweet home
変わらない　ずっとある景色 sweet home

探して　なくした　
心の傷が　立ち向かう強さに変われたのは
｢おかえり｣があったから

おかえり　I'm home
一言で　満たされる心
おかえり sweet home
帰る場所　愛をありがとう

おかえり　I'm home
大丈夫　あなたがいるから
おかえり sweet home
待っててね　もうすぐ着くから sweet home

i guess... it's just human nature to rebel...

我想我大概明白为什么那么喜欢你。
并不是因为你是那么的与众不同。
你。。。那么脚踏实地，那么体贴
的确，或许就像你所说的，
这大概就是你所追求的
《完美关系》。。。

每一对男女，从普通朋友成为好朋友，升级为情侣再步入礼堂，大多数都会在感情不同阶段里发现彼此未所看到的一面。有些人无法接受并承认所揭开的那一面，认为是对方变了，但事实就是这样吗？还是那只是因为彼此还不够了解彼此呢？

你说，如果因为发现对方比自己想象的人不一样而分手、离婚，难怪世上有那么多情侣分手、那么多夫妇搞离婚。

对，我完全同意。

我想，如果想真正长久下去，一对男女就需要懂得彼此包容。你说看到彼此未发现的一面，这就是人生。人又为何要违反人生的规律呢？

所以，我不会再害怕了。
因为我就是我。
谢谢你让我发现这一点。

mixed feelings.

i shouldn't have dropped by, i suppose. and i don't think u'll even care.

despite having left for such a long time, i guess that feeling never fades away.
feeling of hatred?
of disgust?
at the lies? or hypocrisy?

i don't know anymore.
i don't wanna care about it anymore.
did you even feel guilty in the first place?
that thought of it made me feel like laughing.
well i guess you weren't even refering to me in the first place since i'm so insignificant in your life.
the most important thing is... i am happy now. that's all that i need to know and feel right now.



i guess this is just one of those blue blue days...













on a side note, please please! let me focus and do well for this upcoming exams. i really need all the best possible grades i can get... =X *prays hard*

每个人不论在什么时候，都只能做一件事。说什么女人比较能够multi-task，那都是骗人的。只不过女人比较能够分配时间吧，在同个期间的不同时候做不同的事情。就像电脑一样，看起来好像是可以同时进行很多不同事项，但其实电脑只是把时间分割得非常细腻，在不同时段执行不同事项。所以总的来说，如果想要在一个期间内执行许多事项，就必须懂得好好分配时间。世界上没有人能够同时做那么多事，所以我也不应该逼自己在短时间内赶那么多作业之类的东西。凡是一步一步来，别想一步登天！

所以，不要对自己做那么不合理的要求，凡是尽自己的能力去做吧！不要让自己感到压力，这样只会减低工作效率。

庆瑜，加油！

wake me up when September ends...
wait! it's over already????!













at this point in time... i just want to scream

RRRRAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

i insist!
我不是草莓族！

i finally know wad went wrong with me the entire week...

i lost my focus. i got really forgetful these days, probably due to stress, and i have a really hard time trying to focus on my work too. rest is no longer restful enough, more than 8 hours of sleep is still insufficient. and work just keep piling up.

this is year 4 life...

i guess i need to learn how to focus while being immersed in stress. and how to organize and plan well in such an environment. =)

i wanna thank everyone who bear with me the entire week... be it my hrm team mates (for my lack of direction at meetings) and my dear for bearing with my little tantrums =)

a few more days and i'm a year older! =))













here's a song i really like... it has a nice tune and it's by S.H.E!!! yay!!!

612 星球
歌手：S.H.E

满园玫瑰 我以为 找到我那一朵
认真爱了 却狠狠 刺伤我的双手
责备什么人也没有用
玫瑰都红 难免看错

望着天空 爱是否 活在童话里头
小王子说 有些事 流浪过才会懂
原来每颗心都有个洞
找不到真爱 会一直寂寞 oh~

我但愿有一个人在等我
在属于我的612星球
好让我忍着痛也愿意往下走
不快乐至少要有梦

一定会有一个人在等我
无条件拥抱着我的所有
相遇前我还要翻越多少山丘
花别谢太快 请你等等我

擦干眼泪 一个人 漂流在这宇宙
小王子说 爱一定 开在某个角落
路上相爱的人那么多
我会幸福吗 在什么时候 oh~

我但愿有一个人在等我
在属于我的612星球
好让我忍着痛也愿意往下走
不快乐至少要有梦

一定会有一个人在等我
无条件拥抱着我的所有
相遇前我还要翻越多少山丘
花别谢太快 请你等等我

我但愿有一个人在等我
在属于我的612星球
好让我忍着痛也愿意往下走
不快乐至少要有梦

一定会有一个人在等我
无条件拥抱着我的所有
相遇前我还要翻越多少山丘
花别谢太快 请你等等我

you mentioned that you felt weird.
to tell the truth i felt weird too.
maybe i didn't know what i truly wanted.
i don't know whether you felt the same way.
what does it mean to be together?
could it be our expectations were too different?
i don't know... haha.
i suppose it is?

i must admit my actions these days might just be a reflection of how i am actually confused with what i want.
i want personal time, but i want time off with you too.
i want someone by my side when i need him...
i guess you wanted that person too.
but am i beside you when you needed me?
this i don't know...

i wonder if this is how you feel too...

wow, it's been a long time since i blogged about song lyrics...

can't wait for S.H.E's new album!!! XD










沿海公路的出口
歌手：S.H.E. 作词:黄建洲

用一盒火柴烧一场蜃楼　
藉这场大雨让自己逃走
慌茫公路无人的漂泊　
寂寞海啸 把我卷走

用一段感情换一个朋友　
每一句再见割一道伤口
躺在万劫不复的街头　
微笑参透 覆水难收

倘若说放一次手　就像咳一个咳嗽
我又何苦在乎得不到的温柔

我坐在公路的出口　
等待天黑以后 无边的寂寞
连想你都是种残酷切磋

我目送沿海的日落　
紧抱一个醉生 梦死的枕头
留不住回忆却学不会放手 怎么走

i'm sorry i lied.
i lied i had runny nose. but...
i guess you were right.



what's love?
does my actions reflect my true feelings?
how do i truly feel?



you were always the one who knew how i truly felt.

was it the same the other way round?

i felt i wasn't up to your expectations.

i'm starting to wonder and doubt myself.
like whether i'm a good gf in the first place.
saying sorry doesn't help.

actions speak more than words.
what can i do to seek your forgiveness?


maybe i shouldn't be forgiven...













please. be strong.

haha i just saw hwui zhi's comment on my tagboard... well i haven't really been blogging cos i'm pretty tied down to school work, relationship n the ps2 i just borrowed from yuchun for 2 years... haha! not exactly the best combi i must say, almost every day leaves me drained of my energy. but oh well, i'm learning something new everyday... =) though there's always this little wish that everyday is not just 24hrs but 48 hours... meaning more time for rest each day... ha!

so yups, a short post to start the day! somehow i forgot wad i had wanted to blog about initially... haha! alamak i must be getting really old... 3 second fish memory =X

though it's been such a long time... i'm disgusted at how bo sim you still are.
yah it's true u're probably lazy...
but telling lies to cover up your laziness is just so irritatingly annoying.
but i'm glad this happened, it made me appreciate what i have in front of me more... =))
i guess someone people just never change.