this shall be my last post before i officially go into the mountains to become a hermit to mug hard n concentrate for my exams.













up till now... i don't even know what i have been doing. for a while these two days i thought i had found my goal... that is to work hard to maintain my gpa, if not increase it... but look at today... i just flunked my two tests... i doubt anyone will believe if i said that infront of my tutorial mates... i don't know how i feel... ashamed? indifferent? worried? i seriously have no idea. for the first time out of 7 questions in physics i only know how to do 2... and i've got the formula list with me somemore?! wth is going on with me? i kinda hate myself now.

i realised i have lost my motivation to study. kinda depressed now... no idea why that's the case, or whatever that's bothering me. maybe it's bad karma for all the bad things i've done this semester and maybe in the past as well. heaven is fair. it rewards those who worked hard enough and "punishes" those who slacked. oh well i admit i slacked quite a lot this sem... i wasn't very serious... and i lost my determination so damn easily. so whoever that's up there... i think they're having a good laugh at me.

reflecting on the day now... i think it sux. first i flunk the two tests... secondly i tripped on a step on the staircase... i malu myself in front of a guy in my class... in addition i think i accidentally strained my ankle... then after that when i went home on the bus i banged my head on the ceiling of the double decker bus. when i reached home i realise that there had been a huge swarm of bees that "invaded" my parent's room... and my parents had spent the afternoon getting rid of that huge hive... but still there were some fly around in my house... when i went home i was damn freaked out by the lone bee in the bathroom... din dare to bathe... the whole house was enclosed... all windows shut in fear of the remaining bees outside my house would come in from the bathroom window... i guess my family got irritated by me for my fear of bees... and i'm the only one in the family squealing with the bees whether dead or alive in wherever i was... sighz. i'm scared of bees. i'm scared of things that fly. i admit i'm selfish cos i don't wana help u guys to "clear" the bees cos i'm scared of those bees... so i'm sorry i can't do anything to help u guys...

geez. i really hate myself.

what's wrong with me?

i don't even have a single idea.

just that... maybe there's too much things running around in my head now... i don't even know how to sort them out properly.

am i happy? sad?

maybe i'm just lost.

procrastinating wouldn't help! for goodness sake. stop it!

i think i'm going hysterical.

tried to study at macs today... in the end got chased away cos they wanted to use the seat i occupied for the birthday party... siandeds i left macs... went to loiter around west mall... before that sundoll guy popped by macs... passed me manga... got me surprised earlier cos he tricked me saying he was at my house there ask me go down to get stuff from him when i mugging in macs... yeap that was the first and probably the only april fool's day joke i'll receive today anyway... haha~

anyway... went west mall... walked around aimlessly... went to the library in hope that perhaps i could mug there... found a seat there... and only to realise... that it was the same exact seat i sat down at slightly more than a year ago... strangely that memory was still fresh... and that was all to sorta sink my mood.

i remembered i had lunch break that time... i was still working at west mall atrium there... and i had quickly ate lunch... so that i could go to the library, find a place to do my cross stitch... i remembered how happy i was... despite how tiring it was... yet... now... that unfinished cross stitch stood lying in my room, somewhere hidden away...

enough. i thought i had buried you away into the depths of my memories... but u still came back.
够了。这难道是你在愚人节对我开的玩笑吗？
够了。我不想再听到你说的谎言。
够了。我根本就不再需要你了。
够了。请你让我自由。










我要快乐
歌手：张惠妹 专辑：我要快乐

又被爱伤了一遍
无所谓当作成长
刚刚走开的人
烟还点着味道却淡了

我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有

我要快乐 我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨我早应该割舍
我要快乐 哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
只有眼泪是真的

把从前想了一遍
谢谢了伤我的人
想做乐观的人
每种雨声听了都不冷

我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有

我要快乐 我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨我早应该割舍
我要快乐 哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
我的决定是对的

late in the night at around 1.30am now...

feeling tireds... back aching like siao... but strangely i don't wanna sleep...

don't wanna admit i'm tireds... don't wanna stop in my path now...

keep running... till the finishing line...

where is the finishing line? it seems so far away...

is the finishing line the day when i finish my exams? or is it the day i lay in eternal slumber?













i've come to admit that no matter what, what that has to happen will happen. there's no way to avoid that. maybe i'm being extremely fatalistic now... i tried to "challenge" fate... i don't know whether i look forward to what fate brings to me... jokes or pain or whatever... i don't even know whether i cared what was going to happen to me. loads of thoughts passing through my mind quickly... without giving me the chance to catch them, to conceptualise them... listening to ah mei's 我要快乐... thinking about a poem i saw a long time ago... "i hate how u make me not hate u. not even a single bit" *ok this was based on memory... exact poem look through my archives* thinking about the distant past which somehow didn't hurt as much as before. it's good that things seem to have faded. i'm still learning to move on... to live independently without much support from others. i guess the only person one can depend on is yourself. take care of yourself before you can think of taking care of others. all these sound so easy to be done... but of course. it's the converse.

there are times i think my life is a joke. seriously... i think i messed up my life quite a number of times until i have no idea where i am heading. i'm just following whatever the road brings me to...

there are also times when i feel totally helpless down my life path... like i have absolutely no control over the things that were about to happen... even if i knew it was coming... even if i tried to do anything to stop it from happening... the inevitable will still occur... you taught me that.

there are also times when i feel totally stupid... trying to tell myself repeatedly the lies i've made up for you... to explain for the things that have happened... that it wasn't intentional... that it didn't mean anything...

there are times when i just feel like stoning... stopping in the middle of the path and wait for some miracle to happen to move me. tired of making the bad choices. tired of getting hurt. tired of running for some unknown goal. what is the purpose of life itself? i have no idea at all. opps this could become depressing if such a thought persists...













computing quiz tomolo! i've promised bing hui i would finish physics tutorial tonites and i'm slacking away... playing all my games throughout the night... haven't finished studying computing too! i wanna give up already... procrastination at its peak tonites... pre-exam stress probably? strangely playing games did not make me destress at all... in the end i'm a little more stressed cos i haven't done what i'm supposed to do... sighz...

staying over at yin yin's n shian chi's room tml... meaning i might waste my night again tml... sighz~ exams are coming! do buck up sotong! =(

《明日歌》

明日復明日，明日何其多；

我生待明日，萬事成蹉跎。

世人苦被明日累，春去秋來老將至。

朝看水東流，暮看日西墮；

百年明日能幾何，請君聽我明日歌。

i guess i'm really tireds. that's y i no longer have the strength to further suppress those feelings... those memories of you.












today i'm officially fired. lolx that sound furnies... imagine someone using a flamethrower... then the target's butt caught fire... ouch. ok i'm crapping... wahaha~ fired from tuitioning hillview kid... oh well it's something i ought to be relieved about... i had been complaining about not having enough time to do all the things i want... now i get my wish. but strangely i did not feel happy at all. the lesson today i actually fell asleep while trying to teach her for so many times that i gave up trying to teach her and gave her work to do while i sit and continue to stone. i felt that this is probably karma despite how her mum was telling me they wanted her to be independent and study on her own... they didn't think it was my fault *or at least that's how her mum put is*... but somehow i felt a little bad... maybe i didn't work hard enough... sighz...













volleyball yesterday was super fun! if not for shing yeong who wanted to leave early.. i bet i'll have played with them until... maybe... today? LOL... despite whatever feelings i had i guess i have sorta learnt to put them at bay while i enjoy volleyball... maybe that's one of the reasons y i love volleyball so much.
not forgetting the other reasons as well. you included perhaps?
and i finally managed to get my upperhand surf over! ok i dunno wad's the real term for that surf... but it felt good that at least i've made some improvement and not sabotage my team mates that much... though... ahems. i have learnt the wrong technique of using my feet to catch the ball from this guy whose volleyball techniques are quite zai... opps... volleyball supposed to be a "gentle" game.. then now i play until so chor lor... omg... -_-'''













exams coming in... 20 days time... haven't got the time to revise my stuff yet... haven't even caught up with tutorials. what the hell am i doing now. i'm even too tired to cry now. maybe it's karma for me being so caught up with myself. lolx... y do i keep talking about karma in this entry? reminds me of my sis class' favourite phrase... "bad karma"... haha... ok i'm down with bad karma... peace be with me... -_-'''

effective com presentation tml... i am just praying hard that i don't jinx my team mates... cos... so far all the projects i've done... i've never had good results... pw got a "b", the previous effective com assignment i've gotten a "b" again... while everybody else in the world gets "a"... talk about being stressed... -_- sighz... i just wish everything will go well tml...

japanese... i'm so dead... haven't touched the 5 pages of homework at all... crying wun even help now... and my family are bickering now... which doesn't make things better... i wish life could be a little easier... but obviously things aren't that easy...

which brings to mind the cinematics pleasure test yesterday... haiz another quiz gone down the drain... qingyu qingyu u better buck up and stop procrastinating! geez...













all i wish for now is a good rest. and for you to fade away from my thoughts.

或许只有到了夜深人静的时候，才能放下面具，真实地面对真正的自己。

明明说要忘却，没想到忘得不够透彻。。。

没关系，再努力，没关系。。。

tireds.

super duper tireds. i feel like i'm a battery which ran flat.

had diarrhoa again this morning... woke up at 530am, ran to toilet, ate medicine, went back to sleep, woke up again at 8am, mad rush for toilet, then went back to sleep... now wake up, decide that i shall put off the tuition, feeling the weird rumblings of my stomach... sighz.

project laters... i'm afraid that i'm not able to do well for it... sighz... come to think of it maybe i always cannot do well for projects... all the groups i'm with always kanna jinxed by me... oral presentation somemore? geez... i might appear to be able to speak well infront of large groups of people, but then again, i guess not... i'm no longer confident of doing these things... =X

not enough time to do all the things i have to do and want to do... there's exams coming in about 24 days time, tutorials not yet done, volleyball, tuition... plus resting time (which includes sleeping and playing ps2... wahaha!) ok kindly ignore the ps2 part... talking about sleep, i can't believe that i slept on the 2 hour bus journey until i bang my head against the grey partition of the window... and i think i banged it quite loudly... super painful... now still pain... sobz...

yesterday night still cannot sleep well cos of the stomachache... got alot of things to focus on... like to catch up on studies... thinking about our trip to japan... then how to improve my vball skills so that someday i can have a good match with other zai pple in my cca... how to improve my students' grades... how to allocate time so that i have enough rest time as well... playing time can be cut short, but i guess i definitely need more sleep time... haiz...

and so now, before i go off for project, juz lemme nap for 1 more hour... =S

ENDLESS STORY

yay! i finally found the kanji lyrics! here you go...

Endless Story
Yuna Ito

If you haven’t changed your mind
そばにいてほしいよ Tonight

強がることに疲れたの
幼すぎたの Everytime I think about you baby
今なら言える I miss you
It’s so hard to say I’m sorry

たとえば 誰かのためじゃなく あなたのために
歌いたい この歌を
終わらない story 続くこの輝きに
Always 伝えたい ずっと永遠に

Memories of our time together
消さなで このまま don’t go away

あたたかく溶けだして 確かめるの
優しさのしずく この胸にひろがってく
切ないほどに I’m missing you
重ねた手 離さないで

たとえば 叶うなら もう一度あなたのために
歌いたい この歌を
終わらない story 絶え間ない愛しさで
tell me why 教えてよ ずっと永遠に

たとえば 誰かのためじゃなく あなたのために
歌いたい この歌を
終わらない story 続くこの輝きに
Always 伝えたい ずっと永遠に

たとえば 叶うなら もう一度あなたのために
歌いたい この歌を
終わらない story 絶え間ない愛しさで
tell me why 教えてよ ずっと永遠に

how can i even forget the most important things in life...

never depend on others.

and...

never to have any expectations... because... when your expectations fail, the only person who's hurt is you.













it's almost been a year... maybe more, maybe less... come to think of it, i can't even recall which is the exact day. it shouldn't matter now anyway, not that thinking about it will change things...

somehow the tightness in my heart is still there, strangely...

it wouldn't change anything even if i try to search for the reasons, or to try convince myself for the reason y things happened... be it my fault, or the other's fault... i've been trying to convince myself this fact for one year... sometimes it gets to my brain, other times i might just have forgotten for that moment, and things get to me.

the things i've done... the things i have now... those memories... i should have said goodbye to them once i have turned my back and walked away... the reason why i am myself... the reason why i was myself... all because of my foolishness... how i foolishly chased after that so called love of my life... how people are willing to endure pain and suffering just for that moment of happiness... it's all bullshit now that i recall it.

if only i had been more mature and less rash, probably it would have saved us both from pain. or maybe for me only. nothing else mattered. not whether the things u've said were the truth or lies from the beginning till the end. maybe you were trying to make me feel better. maybe i was simply thinking too much. but that's enough. we both understand that we don't want each other to pity the other. and we understand no matter what happens, things can never revert back to the past.

no need for any teary goodbyes. no need for a smile anyway. just... let it go and fade into the past, like the wind gently carassing one's face...













lecture today was about humour. strangely i didn't find it really humourous... the movie shown was Charlie Chaplin's Modern Times... mocking at the Fordian production and capitalist stuff... i sure laughed at the things that happened in the movie... but... somehow i felt i wasn't truely laughing... but i guess the purpose of the movie was to make you laugh despite whether u really found it extremely hilarious or you laughed along because you laugh at how cruel life is and things like that.

smile. that was one of the themes of the movie. smile when u're feeling down, smile when u're on the verge of breaking down... cry can't help solve problems anyway, so smile... because for all you know, the sun might be shining down on you the next day... the lecturer was sorta critising the silly song on smile... how smile can't solve problems... but we all need some form of optimism to keep us going in life. i wanted to laugh right out there... what if we don't need that form of optimism? shall we go on crying everyday?

i shall practise smiling everyday then.













two songs are running in my head now... they've both got the same melody, but they are in different languages... thanks to nana the movie... made me laugh and cry about a lot of things in life... i guess i can really connect with the manga and the characters there... =)




想念你的歌
歌手 : 张惠春 saya 专辑 : 想念你的歌

是否曾经后悔过
那时候扶起说走就走
是否偶尔想过我
所以埋怨我
每当听你的下落
逞强常常让人无法负荷
躲起来边哭边说 i miss you
还舍不得把你封锁

星光闪烁 如何拥有
站在远方才看见星空的轮廓
虽然有时候会寂寞
墙上时钟停格
你说放开手才会快乐
用半生的脉搏 写成想念你的歌

该怎么才能让你懂呢
谁对谁错已经模糊了 忘记了
我们都处理得有点笨拙
已经从来没有
像这一次如此爱过
想念常让我无法负荷
常常只有一个念头 i miss you
我的爱情从来没有死掉过

星光闪烁 如何拥有
站在远方才看见星空的轮廓
虽然有时候会寂寞
墙上时钟停格
你说放开手才会快乐
用半生的脉搏写成想念你的歌







Endless Story
Singer : Yuna Ito (NANA movie soundtrack)

If you haven’t changed your mind
sobani ite hoshii yo TONIGHT
tsuyogaru koto ni
tsukareta no
osana sugi ta no
Everytime I think about you baby
ima nara ieru “I miss you”
It’s so hard to say i’m sorry

tatoeba dareka no tame
jya naku
anata no tameni
utaitai kono uta wo
owaranai STORY
tsuzuku kono kagayaki
ALWAYS tsutaetai
zutto eien ni

Memories of our time together
kesenai de kono mama doko he
atatakaku tokedashite tashikameru no
yasashisa no shizuku
kono mune ni hirogatteku
setsunai hodo ni I’m missing
kasaneta te hanasanaide

tatoeba kanau nara
mou ichido anata no tameni
utaitai
kono uta wo
owaranai STORY
taemanai itooshisade
Tell me why, oshiete yo
zutto eien ni

tatoeba dareka no tame jya naku
anata no tameni utaitai kono uta wo
owaranai STORY
tsuzuku kono kagayaki
ALWAYS tsutaetai zutto eien ni




*shall go find the japanese version of this song lyrics soon...*

i guess u're right...

overly stubborn, easily depressed.

i guess at least you kinda understood me...

so i'm not that much of a loner as i thought.

i shall not let history repeat itself. history will not repeat itself.

rain rain go away...

够了。到此为止。












ok highly crappy and "deep" entry coming up... don't say i didn't warn you...













i realised... no matter what i do, no matter when, be it in the past present and probably in the future, i can never win in any kind of argument with guys. i can never get what i want them to do... just take for example today... my brother borrowed my laptop to do something, and moved it from its original position... when i reached home i just told him to put it back for me since he was the one who took and used it, and he should be responsible for putting it back. he ignored me and was concentrating on his game... then i tried to annoy him *ok maybe i asked for it myself*... i tried to poke him at the "soft" spot for most pple... then he reacted by grabbing my hand with force, rubbing my middle finger's joint against the chair... and the result? now my finger joint is swollen... big blue black there... and it hurts like siao... i play volleyball oso wun hurt that much despite all the blue blacks when i first started playing... sighz... and he didn't even say sorry or anything... not that i wanted him to apologise or anything... it just hurts... how guys always ignore what girls have to say just because they think u're not important and stuff...

just like one year ago.

i remember now... everything kept flowing back... the nights when my tears used to help me wash my face... how i tried to talk to someone who kept ignoring me... even a year later, though it is no longer of any importance, the questions still linger in my mind... coming back into picture every now and then... why did this happen? if you didn't mean it, then why did u do so? i guess up till now i still cannot let go...













haha~ nowadays... loads of my friends are attatched all of a sudden! super duper happy for them! pple like my fellow girlfriend shingy... sundoll guy... *his kanojo is my friend's elder sis!!! the world is so so small!* haha dunno y i share their joy in finding their other half! or maybe it's their joy that's spreading to me...

yet... when it comes to myself, i feel nothing. nothing to look forward to anyway. it is nice to have someone u can talk to in depth... someone u know u can trust... someone who will be there when u need him/her... but somehow it doesn't seem likely that it'll happen to me. not that i'm desperately looking for one either.. haha! to a certain extent i think i sound like yuchun! lolx~

what is love? hahaha~ wad a profound question... till now i still couldn't figure out the foolproof answer... all my past definitions on love had been proven wrong through the past 2-3 years... oh this sounds like a scientist trying to prove some hypothesis! unfortunately love... such a "philosophical" and spiritual entity cannot be defined in simply black and white.. there are so many different sides of love... the idealised version of love as shown on tv serials and movies... oh how i love those kind of love... everybody will have a happy ending... everybody will live happily ever after... but how "realistic" are these anyway... even if a couple marries happily... what happens after that? they have kids, husband gets into an affair... couple eventually gets divorced? we are only shown the happy lovey-dovey sides of love... all the pain and hurt one goes through in the process... we view it as a process... where we'll all be happy and live happily ever after after all those suffering we experienced... ok i sound like i'm preaching... this sounds like what my lecturer was saying in my elective... oh well i guess i totally agree with him in this aspect then...

the thing i can't understand is that... y is it that people are willing to sacrifice themselves and expose themselves to all the pain and hurt just for that one single moment of "happiness" or so they call... to me it's just like u spend all your credits for "purchasing" happiness in one go, and for the rest of ur life u'll be poor... in that case i'd rather not be so happy for that one moment and spread out the happiness in my life, that is if i ever have the choice... or if it's possible, maybe i can experience all the pain in one shot, then live happily for the rest of my life. that is bullshit of course. life is not that easy. -_-

i think i've reiterated that point for quite a number of times in my blog already... haha!

love is... countless nights spent waiting for a single sms from the one you kept thinking about... love is about the sleepless nights one have after a fiery quarrel... love is about the times one tries to please the other through gifts, sweet words or some romantic actions...

love is about accepting one for who he/she is... love is about commitment... love is about giving and forgiving... love is about communication...

i think the previous paragraph is enough to scare some people away... the huge words like commitment... i wonder how many people out there are actually willing and ready to commit themselves to a relationship... besides, it is easy to receive, but to give is hard... forgiving others is even harder... communication is extremely important... it is the way how u get to know one another better... but once u understand more about one.... the positive and negative traits of that person... are you able to still love him/her for who he/she is? it is easy to say that u do... but when that actually happens to you, will you be able to keep to the thing u've said?

i guess perhaps my ideas on love is simply too naive and idealistic... it is not something that will exist in real life... i once thought true love is everlasting... but then again, i guess not... perhaps... love... is like some kind of canned food... there's an expiry date... once it expires, it's no longer love... for a couple together, once beyond the expiry date, they might break up or still stay together just because they feel guilty if they suggested the breakup. then in this whole case... what is the point of coming together to start a relationship if in the very end it'll end in a breakup? of course, there are ways of extending the expiry date... and i can safely assume... not a lot of couples can achieve that...

and so to end off... i hope that all existing couples out there and those couples-to-be... to slowly discover the ways of maintaining a relationship and to treasure each other... it is not easy to find one another in such a huge world with a few billion pple of totally different personalities... let me see more happy endings and maybe, i'll change my perception on love and become slightly more optimistic... =)

cheers to pansy, huang weixiang, shingy n sundoll guy! *plus all other couples i know out there =)*

i wish life was easier.

i missed the sensation when ur body is extremely tireds, but ur mind just don't feel like resting yet.

and i realised that all of a sudden i cannot remember a single thing about what happened 1 year ago...

rest in peace.

life sux... and my actions are not making life much better...













sometimes, i wish i was the old me... the withdrawn, slightly introverted, more modest me... and to be someone more sensitive. i hate the times when the things popping out of my mouth these days puts other people down indirectly. what has gotten into me? where did the modesty go to?

other times, i just wish i wasn't me at all. so that i didn't have to know of how others would have felt because i felt the same way in the past. and this becomes unbearable for me to do the things that had once happened to me. but i wonder if it'll hurt others more in the future...

i wish life is simpler... but obviously, life is not as simple as what you think.

i guess even the sundoll keychain charm wouldn't work now...













on a side note, chuangyi manga sale at bookfest 2006 is coming soon! i'm going to save up a little bit of money to get more manga!!! muahahaa.... ok that's one thing to look forward to... despite all the upcoming exams in almost a month's time... which i haven't started revising yet! omg i sound like a nerdy freak... lolx~ and i've signed up for volleyball twice a week starting next week, plus i've gotta find time to play ffx! ahh!!! god pls give me more time! *though the motivations behind this is utterly morally questionable... lolx~*

i wanna eat japanese buffet! a few days ago... i had a dream of a delicious spread of japanese food in front of me... and just before i was going to "test" the food... i woke up. -_- oh man! i really wished i didn't have to wake up then... =( oh well... hope that my "dream" will turn into reality soon...

and i wanna go japan soon! just asked sundoll guy(cos his car got this cute sundoll... lolx! same as my sundoll keychain...) for his opinion on where to go in japan... then he suggest that should go in june... cos then we can see sakura blooming! but weixiang says december... haiz... winter... should be quite cold... =S but i don't mind the snow... since i've never seen real snow in my whole life before! oh man i think i sound super swaku...

first things first though, will be to go manga fest! next would be to start studying for the semester exams... and also to try and complete the ps2 game at the same time... must improve my jap! sighz... i'll have a super long way to go, i guess... =S

and yes, sorry that i have sorta broken my "promise" to post something of substance... as most of u guys can observe, my posts are getting crappier n crappier... =X oh well hang in there! it's coming soon! lolz... *if there's anyone reading my blog, that is... =(*

i had been reading through my old opendiary entries... because they were on the verge of being deleted... lolz~ i laughed at the language i used last time... how i used to exclaim over things like my 2.4 run... and how i used to "idolise" junkai... *not to say i dun idolise him now... hehex* memories... happy memories when i was still active in co... when i was struggling with handing up tutorials in jc... my struggles with chem... and not forgetting mr rudy lee... lolz~

and of course, not forgetting those entries full of sorrow... just because i could not let go of some things in life... history repeats itself, only to worsen the problem. if only i had been able to forget easily, things would not have reached such a state...





on a side note, i'm supposed to be sitting in macs now doing my lab report... omg i have already spent 2 days on it and it's still not finished! wth am i doing man... -_- i wish i have a little more time, i wish my sore throat will go away... so that i can go for the 2-7 ktv tml wif wx n sc! god! pls drop some wonder medicine for it to cure my running nose and restore my voice! *starts murmuring some strange incantation*....

oh well.... plz! weiqing pls respond to my msn n sms! we can't go macs to do our project!!! argh. stupid me ranting here where he wun even hear or see... -_-''' sighz... i guess i'm just procrastinating once again...

someday i'll post something of better substance here k? it's a promise... lolz~

为什么到现在还会有心痛的感觉？

argh. i want rest, peace, and silence. and maybe for god to drop 1 extra week for me to relax and catch up on work.

i'm tireds... i napped half of my afternoon away but still i am tireds...

and there's a lot of things to be done... like to study for quantum physics quiz on mon, jap quiz on thurs... and i am here procrastinating...

there should be no time left to be thinking about strange things... like the stupid horror point-click-game which i challenged my tutorial mates to playing yesterday at around 3+am in the morning... in the end me and shing yeong were the only ones scared outta our wits, while yong quan was making funny commentary... shian chi and nicolas like not scared at all -_-

sighz...

yesterday i wrecked havoc after volleyball training... haha i felt so lousy among those pple there... their spike was so qiang! and when playing the game, they like know how to hit to those pple, form strategies and stuff...

makes me think about a lot of things... like the really graceful movements of volleyball players... i wish i could be half as graceful...

after that, went for supper wif shian chi shing yeong yong quan nicolas... then stayed over at sc's room again... LOL... i can become their legal squatter liao... talked to sc... then bathed and went to yq and nicolas' room to play mahjong... *and i was the crazy za boh who suggested it... -_-'''* then scared myself by challenging them to play the scary game.. -_-''' and then later when everybody buay tahan go back room to zZz i was the only one who couldn't go to sleep... -_-'''

sighz...

i hope i wasn't disturbing anyone last night... or these times... memories go hay-wire at times of stress and when u're tireds...

no need to put on all those pretence... it wouldn't make me feel better... it shouldn't even matter by now... i knew it in the bottom of my heart right at the beginning...

yet somehow, i'm going through everything once again... relieving those moments once again... moments of happiness and bliss, yet, moments of tears and sorrow...

it shouldn't be as painful for u by now... in fact it shouldn't bother you... or so i hope...

time to move on, stop pretending you're sad... cos you aren't.

i'm not sad. neither should u.













i wish i am like a toilet bowl... so that i can flush all the crap in my life into the drain...

i miss co...

i miss the times i could "interact" with my erhu and enjoy the music created by the whole group...

i miss hearing the different sounds coming from all the different instruments...

i miss discussing which kind of song xiang is better and the differences between shanghai gong and beijing gong *omg i almost forgot the names of these things!*





i miss the times i could play volleyball with a big group of people who enjoys the game as i do...

i miss the times when i mug with those who wanted to achieve better results like i did...

i miss the times playing, relaxing, wrecking havoc and not caring about how others look at you...





i miss my self motivation to work hard...

i miss my bed... i miss my rest...

i miss slacking half a day away just in front of the computer, watching anime or what nots...

i miss the times when i didn't have to rush through things...

i miss the times when i could finish my tutorials on time...













i wish things didn't have to be so complicated...

i wish i wasn't so complicated...

i wish there were no exams...

i wish that things in life were easier...













but of course, reality likes to play devil's advocate.














today... or rather, these 2 days was rather hectic for me... yesterday after lab i went to stay over at shianchi's room... supposed to mug.. ended up talking to pansy half the time... from 4+ to 9pm i did like less than 1 tutorial? lolz~ love counselling as angela and yvonne puts it... lol...

we both came to the conclusion that love brings one happiness, but in exchange for that one moment of happiness u'll have to suffer 10 million times of sorrow... which was quite furnies for pansy to agree with me... but oh well i guess the two of us were being super pessimistic then...

then continued mugging... finished 1.5 maths tutorials *they were darn hard i tell u -_- had to refer to solutions most of the time* before i realised it's around 2am in the morning and i need to sleep...

turns out, i couldn't sleep peacefully at all... no idea why... probably because i wasn't used to the mattress or the fans n stuff... then in the end i woke up super early, went to the lt and slept through all 3 of my lectures -_-... even had to bring in tea for maths quiz which i stupidly forgot to study yesterday... -_- but heng anyhow whack oso get answer... lolz~ muz thank kee sing for lending me his notes during physics lecture sia... LOL... and thank god for "protecting" me for this quiz... wahahaha~

next up... tml i'm supposed to have finished computing tutorial, plus jap homework, plus study 90 jap vocab to prepare for the jap quiz next week... and...

i got a ride home from weilun whom i only got to know today! i think it's the car syndrome... last time when ching gave me a ride i was so excited to sit on his car... today was no exception... -_-''' wth is wrong with me? it's only a damn car... my dad has a car too? -_-

anyway it's quite hilarious... weilun and his friend... one bike one car... originally the bike infront of the car, then all of a sudden the bike made a turn into one of the smaller roads, then weilun driving the car decided to ignore his friend's crazy move *cos dunno his friend turn to where* and then went off, while his friend smiled cheekly behind weilun's car.... -_-''' and the sun doll on his car is so cute! LOL... juz cos i had the same sun doll keychain as he has -_- wth... qy qy stop eyeing other pple's accessories lar -_-

and we saw a rainbow on our way home... it's so surprising... come to think of it it's been a long time since i saw a rainbow... reminds me of the song "somewhere over the rainbow"... but of course thing's aren't as easy as the song puts it... so get back to reality...

god! i need more time and more rest!

14th feb coming soon... let there be love in the air...

yes! 14th of feburary is just around the corner... so, let there be love in the air *around this entry, i mean...*

speaking about this, a lot of things were running through my mind for the past few weeks... months maybe... so many things i wanted to talk about, like how incredibly busy i am until my friends like pansy complain she always cannot find me *wahaha...* yeah, so sorry, no time for love as well...

but here i am talking about love... let's see... just wanted to post two songs on this entry today... a song which i used to love when i was in secondary school... and another that was playing on the radio quite frequently these days...














Once Upon A December

Dancing bears,
Painted wings,
Things I almost remember,
And a song someone sings
Once upon a December.

Someone holds me safe and warm.
Horses prance through a silver storm.
Figures dancing gracefully
Across my memory...

Far away, long ago,
Glowing dim as an ember,
Things my heart
Used to know,
Things it yearns to remember...

And a song
Someone sings
Once upon a December



that december
is when everything started
and three months
of joy and tears
that night sealed our fate
and our hearts as well




been thinking about the forgotten memory lost in my mind for quite a while... at first it was indifference, then a tinge of happiness, then heartache. i wonder how much more it would last.

the memory i was searching for was not the memory of loving someone, but the memory of being in love with love... the sweet aspects of love, the lovey dovey sweet honey feeling, the one that makes u feel warm inside; the comforting hugs from those who cared; the happiness when someone u like is nice and sweet towards u; the joy knowing that someone accepts u for who u are as a person, an individual, a soul.

yet i actually forgot the bitterness in this candy that tricks innocent n foolish humans from getting themselves hurt over and over again. the endless nights spent crying over spilt milk; over people whom u thought they cared but apparently otherwise; the sourness when seeing someone u have a crush on was closer n nicer to someone else; the cruel words n actions the one u cared most did to u.

people are willing to suffer years of such pain for just one moment of that sweet tenderness from the one they cared.

and i think, why they are so foolish.

and i see those people around me, guys who try to flirt with girls whom they barely know in search of "love". i don't know whether to laugh at their attempts or to applaud them for their... open-ness of being so daring to accept those whose personality was not totally known to them. or perhaps, it's my view of "love" being different from theirs. perhaps i was looking for pure love so pure that it is non-existant in this reality.

and i don't know whether to laugh or not when my girlfriend shian chi tells me that her relatives were so willing to introduce her any guy along the street just because she is still single and available. my stand on love still holds -- 真爱是值得期待的。
but i guess it would never reach my turn to be in love again.
and so, i've thought of the perfect gift for myself on valentine's day... hehex... it shall be... a ring for my left hand... symbolising independence for women of this society... XD my nunnery rawks... XD

and now onto the second song...












我会好好的
王心凌

我会好好的
花还香香的
时间一直去
回忆真美丽

我是想着你
一直想着你
你在我心底
变成了秘密

不要说你爱我 你想我
如果你的心里没有这么做
只是勉强的敷衍我
我知道了会很难受

我要你默默走 不回头
我会清楚明白你要的是什么
无须勉强的安慰我
说奇怪的理由

到现在还是深深的 深深的 爱着你
是爱情的友情的都可以
那是我心中的幸福
我知道它苦苦的

要给你远方的祝福
我知道它苦苦的






我发现，我到现在还是深深的爱着你。
不过你放心，我不会给你添任何麻烦，
我只想要从远处望着你，看着你幸福。





and now... an update on my... boring and busy life... cny! first day of cny i fell sick and couldn't eat as much as i wanted... spent the rest of my new year sleeping away, playing game, and occassionally went out to 拜年... but in the end only 4 红包... 2 from my parents 2 from my grandparents... on wed went to see doctor, not for my flu or cough, but for my ingrown nail... had a mini surgery which scared the hell outta me... cos... had to take a jab that was super painful to numb my swollen toe... -_- and now my big toe is all bandaged like some balaku... *dunno how to spell lar... -_-* and i'm totally lagging in tutorials, the holidays were of no help to me in catching up on academic stuff...

upcoming, tml is tuition day, sunday is tuition day, monday school until 7... jap lesson again... makes me stress cos i think i'm not lagging in the homework but the things that we learnt each lesson... each lesson now leaves me more and more blur... cos my mind cannot remember the things that was taught during each lesson... and no time to revise every time after the lesson. tuesday is volleyball day XD... until 9pm... wed is lab day... slack day... then mug homework time... thurs is jap day again, fri is makeup day wif jap and volleyball again... sighz... sat is tuition day again, sun is tuition day again... and the cycle repeats itself...

ok i think that's enough to bore readers off... so tata~ and hope everyone out there had gotten loads of income from this festival... =)

i need rest and a nice tan...