生存以上 生活以下

作詞：阿信(五月天)　作曲：瑪莎(五月天)

連刷牙 也照著節奏 沖了馬桶 洗了臉上的疲倦泡沫
沒有夢 昨夜沒有夢 鏡子裡的 陌生人已經不再做夢
上課鐘 變成打卡鐘 單行道般 的人生流失在車陣中
進行曲 規律的平庸 活的像是 一句標語壓韻而服從

午餐是 隨便還是 都好還是 跟你一樣 的任何一種
奇怪呢 很久以前 我是很有 想法主見 心跳很執著

傷心再也不吹風 現在只害怕傷風 耽誤了誰和誰的要求 一天一天
看日昇日落 看月圓月缺 年復一年的經過 看誰把我變成現在的我
怕潮起潮落 怕患得患失 錯了又錯的疼痛 終於我的生命只剩生存
活著只會呼吸吃飯喝水的生活

小時候 只要看天空 枕著白雲 就覺得全世界都擁有
長大了 擁有的更多 為何感覺 到越來越匱乏越貧窮
那一年 只追逐自由 現在只能 追逐著漲不停的石油
是不是 地殼又震動 要從家裡 震落才悔恨這樣生活

生活的 反面會是 死去還是 這般生存 不再有衝動
閉上眼 就能感覺 生命正在 一分一秒 飛奔遠離我

還不如一隻昆蟲 至少能破繭展翅 飛向那被奪走的天空 一天一天
看日昇日落 看月圓月缺 年復一年的經過 看誰把我變成現在的我
怕潮起潮落 怕患得患失 錯了又錯的疼痛 終於我的生命只剩生存
活著只會呼吸吃飯喝水的生活

一年有 三百六十 五個日子 五十二萬 五千多分鐘
一生有 三十四億 五千六百 七十八萬 九千下脈搏

為愛而出生之後 生命要怎麼揮霍 直到我化成煙的時候 一天一天
看日昇日落 看月圓月缺 年復一年的經過 看誰把我變成現在的我
怕潮起潮落 怕患得患失 錯了又錯的疼痛 終於我的生命只剩生存
活著只會呼吸吃飯喝水的生活 一天一天
看日昇日落 看月圓月缺 年復一年的經過 曾經我也那麼獨一無二
怕潮起潮落 怕患得患失 錯了又錯的疼痛 終於我的生命只剩生存
活著只會呼吸吃飯喝水的生活

連刷牙 也照著節奏 然後設定了明天 六點半的鬧鐘

不解

I was so upset earlier with u when u said u'll help but u didn't.

Yet, when u finally decided to chip in to help (and in ur spare time), why didn't i feel any happier?

Or is there really something terribly wrong with me?

Shader Magic

I always LOL whenever I receive a new shader magic in 3D Dot Game Heroes! Especially when "shader magic" is an internal joke to game programmers... XD

S.H.E - 爱就对了

总是要流一些滚烫热泪
才能换来对爱的体会
你看 世界没有毁灭 心也没有碎
其他的就交时间解决

你当然可以重新再爱 （能重新再爱）
受过伤的感动 怎样爱与被爱

所以 别再沉溺他的回忆 有空白回忆
离开你的 只有他 但是 爱还在


听我说 爱是对的 错的是我们 还没学会爱
就急着爱人 而爱错人
可是 爱就对了 遇到下一个 爱上就爱了
痛苦或快乐 都是获得

我当然经历过你现在的感受
我想那是人必经的折磨
也许 每个人都该是某个人 成长的助手
受一点苦痛 帮助她成熟

听我说 爱是对的 错的是我们 还没学会爱
就急着爱人 而爱错人
可是 爱就对了 遇到下一个 爱上就爱了
痛苦或快乐 都是获得

别探听他的线索 别等待他会回头
爱。。不喜欢看人软弱
别继续把心封锁 别躲在伤心里头
爱。。万一来了别错过

爱是对的 错的是我们 还没学会爱
就急着爱人 而爱错人
可是 爱就对了 遇到下一个 爱上就爱了
痛苦或快乐 都是获得

听我说 爱是对的 错的是别人 自以为的爱
才会有爱人 又伤害爱人
可是 爱就对了 爱了就值得 爱就能懂得
健身当快乐 爱就对了（爱已来了 别错过）

footprints in games...again?

Sorry, it's my bad. Apparently there ARE games with footprints that disappear after some time, like the snowfield above in Modern Warfare. But frankly speaking, those footprints looked funny at certain angles for certain areas in that map. =)

Footprints in educational games...?

I have been tasked with a weird assignment.

I was to make an educational PC game set in an outdoor environment such as the forest, where the players choose a character and solve puzzles to reveal unknown parts of the map. There are four different type of puzzle based on character selection: Mathematics for Mathematician, History for Historian, Physics for Physicist, and Arts for Artist.

One of the graphic requirements was to render footprints left behind when the character walks around the terrain, and these footprints would disappear after some time. I was to write the technical design document, and needed to look for similar game references.

Which games would have such feature that is already implemented?

How about some of the latest games with pretty graphics?

Final Fantasy XIII can be considered one of the really pretty looking games, and look! No footprints on the terrain! Or maybe the ground was hard and no visible footprints are left behind....

Ok, how about....

White Knight Chronicles was released at approximately the same time as Final Fantasy XIII, and although graphics wise the real time rendering quality cannot be compared with the previous game title, still, no footprints!

Even when the characters are walking in the desert, only some sand flying simulation whenever the characters lift their legs off the ground is carried out.

Come to think of it, I had never thought of or noticed that there were no footprints in the games I've played, until I really looked hard (for this assignment). Why is that so?

The only viable reason I could think of is... Footprints are too small to be noticed, and thus additional processing power spent for achieving this effect could be better spent elsewhere. Or, it could be that during level design, considerations for harder terrains (so that no footprint rendering is needed) have already been made, such as in Final Fantasy XIII. All the terrains in Final Fantasy XIII appear either hard, or have lush greenery such that no footprints would be left behind even when characters travel through the terrain.

If for all these games which strive to achieve realism through the eyes of the players have left such real world "realism" behind, then why should an education game, whose focus should be mainly on puzzles for players to learn from, have a requirement for a graphic effect that is not inline with the game focus?

The only conclusion I could get was... this is a lousy assignment whose actual requirements from another existing genre had been poorly fitted into an educational game. If we consider the games that really focus on graphic realism, the only feature remotely similar to the aforementioned requirement is just the simulation of tire tracks, such as in crysis:

Thinking back to my assignment, i can only summarize my feelings with o.O and =_=|||

Expectations are the root of all evil

Whatever I do, it's all wrong.
Just tell me, what can I do now?

Buzz2 Chaos - Spot The Difference

yays! the game i've worked on is finally going commercial! check out the youtube video:

Conformity

I just happened to be sitting in front of the TV last night after my bath to just stone and let my hair dry for a while... and that was when I was captivated by the movie "Little Red Flowers" on Okto's FilmArt.

The movie was about a boy called Fang Qiangqiang, who was a rebellious and naughty boy, who fails to adhere to the rules in the kindergarten he attends in China. His rebellious may not be by nature; he wanted to fit in with the rest of his classmates and have fun with them, but he does not follow the rules set by the adults and as a result, gets shunned away by the adults and other children in the end. Although I felt sorry for Qiangqiang throughout the movie, I also understood the headache the teachers in the kindergarten had as well.

I hate rules as well. This might be the reason why I feel for Qiangqiang, and think that the adults might have been too harsh on him. Yet, now that I'm so much older, I hate to admit but I stick to rules too. There are certain social rules that I "enforce" on others too, like if someone else is not "nice" I'll do the cold treatment just like the teachers in "Little Red Flowers". Could I be too harsh as well? Of course I could always argue that, hey the people I'm facing now may not be children like Qiangqiang, children still do not understand the workings of our world so we could excuse them. But this movie just made me realize that like how Qiangqiang interprets the world differently from the other children and teachers in school, so do I and the others I meet and face. Just because someone else is "different from the norm", does that mean that person should be shunned away as well...?

That's a really good question.

There's a reason why certain social norms are in place. And those who do not understand this will appear different from the norm. However, if others shun away from you, perhaps there really is a good reason behind it; yet it is just human to think of other people being at fault rather than we ourselves being at fault.

The battle within

When there is light, there will be shadows.
In darkness, there will be light.

For all these years, my light and dark sides have been battling each other with no clear signs of victory to either side... Or there could be no lasting victory for either side at all in the first place?

I am tired.
Can my light side take over from here?

Frustration

Seriously... How could you not know the correct name for someone whom u've worked with daily for more than a month?

Are my expectations just too high?
I really feel my irritation meter filling up fast and bursting soon... again.
RAWR~!

Explosion

I really need to work on my temper.
But I don't regret the things I've said earlier.
Because they have been buried deep in me all these time.

Stay away from my fish!!!!

This is just one of my random game ideas... Please post any comments (like whether you like this idea or not)!!!

Alrighty, here it goes!

Player plays as an employee that is in charge of chasing birds away from his boss' fish that is hung out to dry to produce salted fish. The player will move around patches of fish to chase away birds, like the conventional time management games. When there are too many birds, the player's irritation meter goes up until he/she is about to explode. This is when the player will go "RAWR!!!" and shoot a beam of fire from his mouth and scare away all the birds on screen...

What do you guys and gals think?

heavenly sign

just when i decide that i could have a swim after work, a thunderstorm comes along the way...

darn. i shouldn't have eaten so many of the eclairs from the free buffet near my office for late afternoon tea.

梦想

很难实现 才叫梦想 才要决心

temptation

I resisted hello panda's temptation...
But I succumbed to RITZ Cheese Sandwich Crackers instead...
And I ate 2 packets of 3 in a row! o.O

灵魂

这阵子，我好久沒这么悠哉闲哉地在这长遍大论。应该算是过得还ok，吃得好睡得还好。

之前还常报怨说老板不好，现在换了个工作环境，工作方面算是上了馗道。可是镜子里的我，不管妆化得再浓，也掩饰不了我的憔悴。明明每晚都有大概7小时的睡眠，我还有什么好憔悴呢？

就快毕业了，总于要毕业了。大学时的我，是多么期待能走出社会，做个女强人，好好地冲刺。而现在的我，却每天都在倒数还有多久我才可以下班，还有多少天才到我等了多时的星期天。明明是我向往的工作，却成了我的枷锁。我多次质问自己，是我一时还无法调试新生活，还是我真的只是个草莓族…

当时能实现梦想的喜悦究竟往哪跑？难道我由始至终都不曾理解我真正想要的是什么？

我妈念我，说我每次都选不适合我的科目，自已明明不会吃苦却爱走长满荆棘的偏僻小路。当时的我，只要选择做个数学老师不就好了吗？

那梦想呢，那些都是假的吗？在实习时从工作上得到的快乐都是假的吗？看到别人玩我一心努力做出来的游戏时，想让让玩家在游戏时露岀更多笑容而努力的我，只是一时的兴起吗？

或许我做的选择都不好，但我很肯定，我知道我不想要什么。我希望能做自己，不要失去自己。我希望我能够继续拥有自已的生活，每天都会开心（虽然有点不切实际）。我想实现梦想的同时，更不想失去自我。我不希望我的生活里只剩下吃饭打工睡觉…我希望我的生活多姿多彩，希望我能常常接触新的事物，来激发我对生命的热忱，给与我创新的灵感。我要活出自我。这样的要求会很过份吗？我太贪心了吗？

想要带给别人欢乐，我想自己必须先保持健康的身体与愉快的心情。

想要实现梦想肯定不容易。我必须有我的坚持，不能把我的人生输给工作，输给莫名的压力。

I Wanna Be The Guy

LOL@Ryu!

i was bored

3d pacman? =X
my first random project using 3ds max... ^^

angry

i shall control my emotions.

will

is mine too weak?

verbal diarrhea

sometimes i wonder if i talk too much.

cash cow

i feel like one now.

No matter what happens, I wanna walk down this path with u hand in hand.

加油！

就算看不到终点

就算觉得没希望

如果有时间哭泣

还不如向前迈进

不能解决的问题

就别给自己压力

船到桥头自然直

所以不准说放弃

S.H.E - 只为爱上你

如果说这世界 不够完美不够好
一定是在等我们 亲手给它变得美好
就像爱 看起来 会那么少 一定是
在等我们一起勇敢的寻找一起找到

一片片落叶 为开出个花园
手牵手捱过整个冬天
每只蝴蝶 为了飞
为了翩翩起舞 先做一个茧

最美海岸线 总是要很蜿蜒
才足够让人忘返流连
你的身边 要不是
比天边还遥远 勇气怎么出现

当我终于住进你的心里
分享同一个世界
身后错过痛过漫长情节
都变甜美

只有我了解 这幸福感觉
美得值得去付出一切
能够遇见你认识你喜欢你爱上你
感谢我每滴眼泪

只有你明白 我有多珍贵
好得值得你为我改变
请你继续温柔 交换我 灿烂笑容
一天一天 到永远那一天

Yeh 爱上你有多幸运
像是天使的礼物
我们不要辜负这幸福
一定要更加幸福
如果爱 真的是 那么的少
我们就
一起守护我们得来不易的爱不被打扰

一片片落叶 为开出个花园
手牵手捱过整个冬天
每只蝴蝶 为了飞
为了翩翩起舞 先做一个茧

最美海岸线 总是要很蜿蜒
才足够让人忘返流连
你的身边 要不是
比天边还遥远 勇气怎么出现

当你终于走到我的面前
完整所有的画面
就算苦辣酸甜尝过一遍
只剩喜悦

只有我了解 这幸福感觉
美得值得去付出一切
能够遇见你认识你喜欢你爱上你
感谢我每滴眼泪

只有你明白 我有多珍贵
好得值得你为我改变
请你继续温柔 交换我 灿烂笑容
一天一天 到永远那一天

像是大雨过后晴朗的天 宽阔而耀眼
每个黎明都 需要有夜成全
往回看每兜一个圈
每一条迂回的曲线
都是为爱上你必须留的伏线

只有我了解 这幸福感觉
美得值得去付出一切
能够遇见你认识你喜欢你爱上你
感谢我每滴眼泪

只有你明白 我有多珍贵
好得值得你为我改变
请你继续温柔 交换我 灿烂笑容
一天一天 到永远那一天

tell me.

seriously, how do you work with people who always play hide-and-seek with you?

みらい

说远不远，说近不近。

why is it that when you're indifferent pple can't be bothered and complain about your behaviour, when you start to show concern their response is that of indifference or they don't want your concern?

solitude

i miss you...

reminder

i am not alone.

wow.

I take lesser than 15 min to bathe... :D

雨爱

窗外的天气
就像是 你多变的表情
下雨了 雨陪我哭泣
看不清 我也不想看清

离开你 我安静的抽离
不忍揭晓的剧情
我的泪流在心里
学会放弃

听雨的声音 一滴滴清晰
你的呼吸象雨滴渗入我的爱里
真希望雨能下不停
让想念继续 让爱变透明
我爱上给我勇气的 Rainie love

久违的雨滴 一滴滴累积
屋内的湿气象储存爱你的记忆
真希望雨能下不停
雨爱的秘密 能一直延续
我相信 我将会看到 彩虹的美丽

冷冷的空氣
很窒息 我無法呼吸
一萬顆雨滴的距離
很徹底慢慢消失無形

離開你 我安靜的抽離
不忍揭曉的劇情
我的淚流在心裡
學會放棄

聽雨的聲音 一滴滴清晰
你的呼吸像雨滴滲入我的愛裡
真希望雨能下不停
讓想念繼續 讓愛變透明
我愛上給我勇氣的 Rainie love

窗外的雨滴 一滴滴累積
屋內的濕氣像儲存愛你的記憶
真希望雨能下不停
雨愛的秘密能一直延續
我相信我將會看到
彩虹的美麗

屋內的濕氣像儲存愛你的記憶
真希望雨能下不停
雨愛的秘密能一直延續
我相信我將會看到
彩虹的美麗

.

i know nothing.

promise

promise to self:

i will not go out later unless i have done at least half of my audio lab tonight.

S.O.D

I got lost in a maze of a game for 2 hours when I could have gotten out in half an hour with the help of a notebook and pen.

feeling murderous

you DON'T and CAN'T get away with sloppy work.

rawr!

tell me why this is such a pain.

justice

there is no definite right or wrong

it is just difference in our stands and perspectives

hate only arises when something precious to one had been compromised

and once that happens, it is hard to turn back...

i used to think hate is evil and one shouldn't hate at all

however in this grey world there is no definite black or white either

even when our actions hurt others, which i would feel is wrong,

if we are acting according to our principles, then it isn't wrong...?

conflicts are everywhere

we can try minimise conflicts

but undeniably, there are still those which are unavoidable

when our sense of justice tells us to make our stand

no matter how the rest of the world might perceive

no matter the consequences, i will do it

because... this is me.

ramblings

pride vs humility,

what draws the line between?

which is more important as a treasure?

pride or our very own lives?

why is it that sometimes,

pride is worth much more as compared to our lives?

there are just things that outsiders may never understand...

sorry

it was a painful decision.

i will work harder.

Final Fantasy XIII

japanese voiceovers with english/chinese subtitles next week? or english voiceovers in 3 months time...? haiz dilemma dilemma dilemma~~

independence

有些事情还是靠自己比较好。

human

i am just a powerless human.

i can only do one thing at a time.

i can only do things within my power.

some things just can't be forced.

stress

i need to learn how to relax and handle stress in a calmer manner... =X

A Poison Tree

by William Blake

I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe;
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I water'd it in fears,
Night & morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with my smiles
And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright;
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine,

And into my garden stole
When the night had veil'd the pole:
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretch'd beneath the tree

right and wrong

if there is no definite right or wrong in this world,

how do we know if the things we've done are right? or wrong?

how do we know if the moral "ruler" we have in us is true?

or is that even important in the first place?

or maybe, right and wrong really doesn't matter

it's more like the action and its consequences

whether the consequences harm others and things like that

but then again... "harming others" is subjective too...

i guess i paint my world relatively black and white

though i'm aware of the existences of the different shades of grey

maybe i just prefer things to stay the way it has been all along...

感动

为了你，我会更加努力！

谢谢你！

书香

i just love the smell of paper and books... ^^

intense

only now do i truly know the extent of my intense dislike for you.

even just hearing someone mention your name makes me super irritated.

love

有好多话尽在不言中~

there are times when i forget how we started

and i start to take you for granted

but no matter what i do

you are still the same

always caring and patient with me

i was a little upset though it wasn't your fault

and so i kinda did mean it when i blurted it out without thinking

i regretted it after that

a huge lump grew inside my chest

as though i was going to throw up

how could i even have said that? or even meant it at that point in time?

tears did well up in my eyes when i thought about it

was it because i was afraid of losing someone

who would always give in to me like i was a princess?

the more i thought of it

past memories floated in my mind

i realize you mean so much more to me than i ever imagined

i don't ever wanna lose you

i would like for us...

to be holding hands, walking down the beach at night

though our hair have turned grey (and you might have none left by then... opps!)

but... all these, seem like such a faraway dream

i know how painful promises can be

never promise anything as we do not know how the future will be like

though i don't know whether i'll able to stay by your side till death do us part

but... for now...

i would like to stay by your side...

i'm sorry for even thinking of that.

勇者３００

darn! why is hero 300 so difficult to clear??? sobs~~~

勇者３０！

i hereby proudly proclaim that... i'm a half minute hero! woohoo! ^^

chicken

Question: How many legs does a chicken have?

American University Student: 6 legs, because in supermarkets chicken drumsticks are sold in packs of 6.

motivation

if that wasn't the one i'm looking for...

what is it then?

やっぱり～

テレビを買った方がいいな～

the ugly truth

at first sight

it is easy for people to like you

just as how it is easy for people to dislike you

as time goes on

it is still easy for people who used to like you

to gradually dislike you

however

once people dislikes you

it is hard to make them like you (again)

that's life.

belief

no matter what others say,

people only believe what they want to believe in.

time

time is like a filter

relationships are filtered through

and those that stay with you as time goes

are those that are important.

however...

time is like sand

the tighter u grasp

the more it slips away from your hands...

change

変わりたい。

変わらなければならない。

だからこそ、変わるよ。

lol

骑白马的不一定是王子，也可能是唐僧。

only youuuuuuuuuu~~~~~~~~~~~

trials

everyday is a battle

everything faced is a trial

you. keep stretching my limits and testing my patience

i'll gladly take up your challenge.

but if i cannot take it

and simply explode,

you. have been warned.

irritated

maybe it's cos of lack of sleep

or maybe it's purely due to bad temper

even so... seriously

sometimes talking more or talking louder than others

doesn't mean others will listen to you more

or that'll catch other pple's attention more.

i just want some peace and quiet...

mind talking softer and saving those incessant speeches for yourself?

human

there is a difference between being true to oneself, and having low EQ.

i wish i could become more mature.

is this a sign of stress?

that i am so restless and unable to focus?

it feels like it's a burn out tournament,

the one who gets burnt out first will get kicked out of the competition.

i am just a human. i am not god.

i don't have all the time in the world.

i can only choose which are the things i can pay attention to.

i can't care about every little thing that goes on around me.

relax. some things can't be helped.

or rather, i simply don't have the energy to help.

so... just let it go.

Trust You

花は風に揺れ踊るように
雨は大地を潤すように
この世界は寄り添い合い　生きてるのに
なぜ人は傷つけ合うの
なぜ別れは訪れるの

君が遠くに行ってもまだ
いつもこの心の真ん中
あのやさしい笑顔でうめつくされたまま
抱きしめた君のカケラに
痛み感じてもまだ　繋がるから
信じてるよ　また会えると
I'm waiting for your love

I love you
I trust you
君の孤独を分けてほしい
I love you
I trust you
光でも闇でも
二人だから信じ合えるの
離さないで

世界の果てを誰が見たの
旅の終わりを誰が告げるの
今は答えが見えなくて　永い夜でも
信じた道を進んでほしい
その先に光が待つから

君が教えてくれた唄は
今もこの心の真ん中
あのやさしい声と共に響いている
溢れる気持ちのしずくが
あたたかく頬つたう
強くなるね
信じてるよ
繋がってると
I'm always by your side

I love you
I trust you
君のために流す涙が
I love you
I trust you
愛を教えてくれた
どんなに君が道に迷っても
そばにいるよ

I love you
I trust you
君の孤独を分けてほしい
I love you
I trust you
光でも闇でも
I love you
I trust you
哀しみでも歓びでも
I love you
I trust you
君の全てを守りたい

どんなに君が道に迷っても
そばにいるよ
二人だから信じ合えるの
離さないで

why

why is it that some people you try so hard to get them out of your life simply keeps appearing in front of you?

unknown

there are so many things you wouldn't know.

we are all so absorbed by our own worlds,

listening to the things we experience first hand.

do we know the true reason why certain events happen?

even if we do, will we take action to respond to the event?

what is kindness?

could harshness bring kindness as well?

a mother's harsh words is likely be perceived as irritating and uncaring to her children. does that mean the mother, who is simply trying to help her children become better people, is not kind at all?

there is a limit to the things that one can achieve or do,

just like how limited one is in the vast universe.

a volunteer to help rebuild an area in a foreign country is a mere passer-by to the people living there. in time, the people in the area would probably forget who the volunteer, that had once helped them out, was. does this erase the help that the volunteer had given before?

whatever that we do, do we expect ourselves to be remembered?

do we expect our actions to make a huge impact on other's lives?

there are just so many things masked beneath the harshness of the world that one would probably never understand.

relax~

people just don't mature overnight.

indifference

some people simply never change.

i miss you guys!!!

i just met with yuchun this afternoon... how long has it been since i last saw you? it's been so long!

we had a really wonderful lunch (opps paiseh it was yc's treat haha) and were like bitching gossiping, but hey, that's the fun u'll have with your girlfriends haha!

i wish i could have more time with you, there's just so many things i want to know about how u're doing now... haha!

i missed you =)

and i miss you too pansy!

august 2010, please come quickly!!! i want to go out and havoc with you guys once again just like those good old times back in school. i wanna go shopping gossiping ice-creaming exercising ktving cycling with u gals! =X

hees! but i guess i can't be that greedy...

i wish i could do more for u gals =)

but the only thing i can say in the meantime is,

take good care of yourselves!!!

i'll see you gals the next cny! *smiles*

help

helping people

a helping of ice-cream

sir, may i help you?

help! i'm drowning!

help out at a store

please help yourselves!

help to relieve pain

just checking out "help" on the dictionary gave so many different meanings to this simple and innocent looking word. this is a word that is used pretty often in the world, as no man is an island (most of the time). at many times of our lives, we give or are subjected to "help" to and from others.

do you enjoy helping others?

why do you help others?

why and when should you help?

some people is always on the look-out to provide help. they've been through those difficult parts of life, where having no help at all was really painful; thus they do not wish for others to follow in their paths.

some help because their friends asked or seems to need help. to help foster and maintain the relationship, they'll offer their hand of assistance, be it gladly or grudgingly.

some just... help. not because of anything. just. out of the pure goodness in their hearts. laugh.

there's another category of people who are pretty eager to help others as well. their motivation is not particularly because they don't want others to follow in their footsteps (cos they might not have been through those difficult times), neither was it particularly because oh they're my friends i'm happy to help them. it's more of an ego issue, where they think highly of themselves, and by helping people it shows not only to themselves, but to others, of their... erms... ability. such people can sometimes become overly zealous in their effort to provide help to others.

frankly speaking, i feel a little bad to be taking apart one's motives for providing help. i mean, it can be so innocent, just like for example, when someone let's a pregnant lady take his/her seat on the train. but, what is the motive behind one's act of giving help? out of the "pure goodness" of his heart? because he doesn't want the pregnant lady to suffer from the pain and discomfort? because the government says so? because the sign on the mrt says so? because he doesn't like the squeezy seat? because he doesn't like the weird fat lady on his left that kept looking at him? because he wants to show his friends who are with him on the train how gentlemanly and how kind he is? because he wants to show off how he is better and more observant than those that are around him?

haha such a simple incident can be complicated into such intensity. i'm not saying that any motive of these is bad or anything, i mean ultimately all these motives whichever it may be, gave rise to the act of him giving up the seat for the pregnant lady. the pregnant lady is very likely to feel gratitude towards the one who gave up his seat, which is a good thing, because it relieved the pregnant lady of her discomfort.

i guess that is just some food for thought.

why do you help others around you?

perhaps it's time to think about your motivation behind your act of graciousness.

however, to tell the truth, despite the wonderful argument i have put up above, i personally hate people who help others based on his or her own personal needs, not because he or her put others' pain into consideration before helping. that is. if i manage to perceive his/her true intentions.

with that said, i wonder if i'm being hypocritical. the line between putting others feelings into consideration and one's personal needs can be so thin that it is non-existent at times.

then again, when you read the title of my post, what did you think this post was going to be about? about me asking for help? or about me discussing the act of helping?

ok, let me clarify. i personally do not like to ask for help actually. but i still will ask if i really meet with difficulties. call it my stubbornness haha.

"helping (people)" sound like such an angelic act. that's because the party subjected to help is greatly benefited. this can be a good or bad thing. when the receiving end starts to abuse the help received, the giving end could be the one in distress instead.

then when and why should one help?

that's.... something that i'm still trying to learn. :D

opps i think i'm going to get slapped by others for such a lousy post ending. ahahaha~

okok let me elaborate then. well, i have my fair share of the help i gave being abused. however, after much thought, though one might become used by others if he/she is too helpful, this does not mean everyone out there are ungrateful b*****ds. opps. but i guess before choosing (ok i'm sorry to those pure and gracious souls out there who don't choose the receiving end of their help) the person you want to help, you must look at the receiver's personality and deduce whether u'll be made use of in the future if u're going to be helpful. of course if you know that guy is mostly going to be ungrateful, you would most likely not offer him that much help to the extent of him having the idea of making use of you. but there are still exceptions to this... principle. like for eg. a parent helping his/her ungrateful children. *suffers an arrow hit*

so the moral of this post is: be nice, help others out based on the empathy and pure goodness of your soul. but look before you help.

erms. sorry for sounding so skeptical. this sorry coming from me is sincere. you have my word.

omg.

i just saw someone on my msn whose nick is my password.

*jaw drops*

argh.

although i kinda accepted the apology, somehow the more i think about it, the angrier i get.

stop thinking about it.

but it's not like there'll be any change in the future.

it's in the personality.

and somehow, this adds on as a fuel for anger.

World is Mine!

Somehow this song reminds me of a certain someone... =X



ワールドイズマイン

世界で一番おひめさま
そういう扱い心得てよね

その一いつもと違う髪形に気が付くこと
その二ちゃんと靴まで見ることいいね？
その三わたしの一言には三つの言葉で返事すること
わかったら右手がお留守なのをなんとかして！

別にわがままなんて言ってないんだから
キミに心から思って欲しいのかわいいって

世界で一番おひめさま
気が付いてねえねえ
待たせるなんて論外よ
わたしを誰だと思ってるの？
もう何だかあまいものが食べたい！
いますぐによ

欠点？かわいいの間違いでしょ
文句は許しませんの
あのね？私の話ちゃんと聞いてる？ちょっとぉ…
あ、それとね？白いおうまさん決まってるでしょ？
迎えに来て
わかったらかしずいて手を取って「おひめさま」って

べつにわがままなんて言ってないんだから
でもね少しくらい叱ってくれたっていいのよ？

世界でわたしだけのおうじさま
気が付いてほらほら
おててが空いてます
無口で無愛想なおうじさま
もうどうして！気が付いてよ早く

ぜったいキミはわかってない！わかってないわ…

いちごの乗ったショートケーキ
こだわりたまごのとろけるプリン
みんなみんな我慢します…
わがままな子だと思わないで
わたしだってやればできるもん
あとで後悔するわよ

当然です！だってわたしは

世界で一番おひめさま
ちゃんと見ててよねどこかに行っちゃうよ？
ふいに抱きしめられた急にそんなえっ？
「轢かれる危ないよ」そう言ってそっぽ向くキミ
…こっちのが危ないわよ

doubt.

what is it that i really want to do?

standing at the crossroads, i realized that i have totally no idea.

listening to you guys talking about the ideas you wish to carry out in your own projects, i was awed by how focused you guys are. you know what idea you want to enforce, and you even planned out the tiny steps to take to accomplish the bigger goal.

what do i really want to do?

i just wanted to write stories, and investigate methods that would attract consumers to my ideas.

then what am i doing here?

who exactly am i?

what do i really want to do?

once again, i'm doubtful of my qualities to fulfill my dream.

resolve

suddenly, it felt strangely lonely.

to be working on an assignment that i didn't really feel like doing.

while the rest of the world seemed to be out there enjoying themselves.

am i really up to this?

i seem to lack all the things that is required for my dream to be realized.

am i really suitable?

is my passion perceived just some half hearted and short lived feeling?

so many things to do,

yet seemingly so little time.

and yet i spend the limited time i have on my hands procrastinating...

取舍

我终于明白，人不可以太贪心；好的朋友与好的情侣当中只能二选一。

虽然我非常想要在这两者当中取得平衡，但终究还是得做出取舍。

为了你，我觉得一切都是值得的。

为了你，我会不惜一切地维护我们的感情。

fear.

what is there to fear, when you have done nothing wrong?
what is there to fear, when there is nothing you could do anyways?



why can't things remain as simple as how it first started out?

defense of the... sotong?

it is easy for strangers to become friends.
it is also easy for one to develop fondness for another within just a minute.

but.
there's always a line that one should not step over.
especially when you may not know the other person very well.
even more so when you know that you are not supposed to step over that line.

the first time you step over the line, i can take it that it's by accident.
the second time you do that, i can pretend that it didn't happen.
the third time it happens... i'm sorry, i have to do something to let you know.

although i have no intention of hurting anyone, for self-defense, i'm afraid i have to take this course of action.

maths vs. logic

i love maths logic.

merry-go-round

i remember a few days back i was wondering whether the happiness i hold, or the laughter i have now, would eventually vanish.

"there is no such thing as happiness [that lasts] forever."
"instead of wishing for something impossible, why not work towards prolonging hapiness such that it'll last so long that it's almost forever?"

those words ring in my head now.
the very words i said to motivate someone else.

the answer was within me all along. ^^

「思い出は億千万」

子供の頃　やった事あるよ　色あせた記憶だ
紅白帽頭に　ウルトラマン　ウルトラマンセブン

子供の頃　懐かしい記憶　カレーとかの時に
銀のスプーン目にあて　ウルトラマン　ウルトラマンセブン

でも今じゃそんな事も忘れて
何かに追われるように毎日生きている

振り返っても（忘れていたアルバムの中に）
あの頃には（馬鹿やってる自分）
戻れない（友達と笑って）　ウルトラマン　ウルトラマンセブン

今あいつら　どこに居るの？　何をしているの？
答えはぼやけたままで　ウルトラマン　ウルトラマンセブン

でも今じゃそんな事も忘れて
何かに追われるように毎日生きている

君がくれた勇気は　億千万　億千万
過ぎ去りし季節は　ドラマティック

子供の頃　やったことあるね
雑誌に付いてきた3Dメガネかけ　ウルトラマン　ウルトラマンセブン

大人になり忘れてた記憶
蘇る鮮やかに腕でL字作り　ウルトラマン　ウルトラマンセブン

でも今じゃそんな事も忘れて
何かから逃げるように毎日生きている

振り返っても（古ぼけた日記帳開き）
あの頃には（色褪せたページには）
戻れない（初恋の娘の名前）　ウルトラマン　ウルトラマンセブン

ただあの頃振り返る　無邪気に笑えた
汚れも知らないままに　ウルトラマン　ウルトラマンセブン

でも今じゃそんな事も忘れて
何かから逃げるように毎日生きている

見過ごしてた景色は　億千万　億千万
過ぎ去りし季節は　グラフィティ

君がくれた勇気は　億千万　億千万
過ぎ去りし季節は　ドラマチィック

care and concern.

i accidentally came across a blog post from someone i don't know at all... and he/she's clinically depressed. it reminded me of the ... not so distant past...

if i had felt (more) care and concern from the people around me then, would i have recovered quicker?

but then again, was i even clinically depressed?

i was just drifting around.
living in self pity.
drowning in those painful memories.
hurting myself again and again to numb myself.

i wonder if people who know me now would believe i was once pessimistic and simply waiting for the end to come... hallucinating myself with slit wrists and fantasizing about the most painless way of dying...

thinking back to those days brings tears to my eyes.
why did i had to drop into that abyss?
there were so many people around me that were worried about me.
i had not noticed their presence at all.
i brushed off their concern.
i felt that no one could truly understand how i felt.

even now i feel the same way.
how could others feel the way you do if they had never experienced the exact same thing as you did?
but, their concern cannot be erased just because of this.

if i can, i would do all i can to help pull those who are struggling to get out of the abyss...
so that they would not have to endure the long hard years just like i did...

to the one that's struggling now...
i doubt you would be reading this,
but i want to let you know, you are never alone.
it is good that you are aware of your condition.
do not reject it.
do not reject yourself.
do not reject others as well.
go ask your family or friends for a hug.
open up and talk to people.
it is ok to feel negative now.
but never forget, good things will eventually happen.
that is, if you work hard and keep ur spirits up.
jiayous!

ok sorry i think i sounded as though i am preaching. hees.

programming overdose

i dreamt that me and my classmates are to draw a triangle, and we're going around classrooms trying to obtain and transport the data required to draw our object. (eg. vertex location, colour etc.)

omg.

...

i know ur just poking fun at me.
but i'm still a little mad about it.
hmph. still dare hang up on me.
RAWRRRRRS.



ok lars i'm just sulking in my tiny little world. pls don't mind me.

もっと、もっと。。。

日本語で書くこともう何月ぶりだね～日本語は下手になって、ちょっと書く見よかな。。。



今週は災厄だ。お腹が悪くて、毎日痛くて、宿題は何もできなかった。毎日４８時間があればいいな～



「もっと君と一緒の時間を作りたくて、もっとやさしくなりたいんだ。」

君は私が来ないことに失望そうだ。
本当にごめんね。
来週ちゃんと時間を作るから、もうちょっと待っててね。

indifference vs intimacy

at times, i'm bursting mad that i start to fire my gatling gun non-stop.
at times, i'm so happily immersed in my tiny little world.
at times, i feel so in love and so loved by you.
at times, i'm just so insensitive and say things that disappoint you.



sometimes i wonder. why should i even care? i mean, it's totally none of my concern how wishy washy other pple can be... but the moment i see one making a decision, and then hesitating, or even being totally clueless when trying to lead a team... it just makes me want to explode. i know it's totally none of my business but yet i still care.

i wish i was back in my little invisible glass container. and watch all these things pass by me.



yet. i wish i could be more sensitive to your needs. and have a better memory to keep all the things you've told me in my brain. so that i wouldn't forget a single detail when conversing with you. so that you wouldn't be disappointed with me when you realize i've forgotten...

happy 13th month. ^^

忘れないで～

someone from the class seems to be leaving for better prospects... though i wasn't close to him, somehow i felt sad... sad that i didn't spend more time interacting with him before he makes his decision to leave...

he left to find a job in the games industry i guess... i'm happy for him, but the reasons he left lingered in my mind... and i actually faltered with my resolution when i decided to take up this course. he felt the "lecturers" teaching us was underqualified, which was quite a valid issue since he had graduated with masters, and the people teaching us were taking their masters now. and after class today, i was quite upset, as i felt the lecturer today wasn't even sure of the things he taught. this really started me thinking a little more down the path he chose... although the bond would have to be broken, i guess there's nothing much that can be done once your heart and mind is set.

やりたい事を忘れないで。

please... stay focused.

i am here because i want to, and i have things which i want to accomplish here.

juggling...

School has started for 2 weeks already! Things are fun at school (though some might not think this way haha) well, i get to learn something new everyday, and i get to play with people! But the time i have for myself is considerably much lesser. I wake up early to go to school much earlier than the rest of my classmates for various reasons, such as to play games with derek, or to teach tiffany maths... There's nothing wrong with that, I do enjoy spending time with them, but in retrospect... I'm afraid... afraid I have no time for myself, afraid i might drift away from kt, especially since we're both so busy with our lives now. With all the assignments and tutorials I have to complete, plus my tuition and things like that, we must still set aside time for ourselves to meet with our own friends.

They say absence makes the heart fonder... but in my case... it makes my heart... wonder... if we'll still be able to remain as close as before...

no matter how pretty it looks, it doesn't matter if it is rotten inside.

it sure is hard to draw a picture and get it onto my computer using just a camera.




it felt as though the dementors had paid me a visit earlier.
i guess it's really hard to stay cheerful.
i'm sorry. maybe i'm just not that good enough.

goodbye ice and snow!

welcome smiles and sunshine!!! ^^

ダリア
アンジェラ・アキ

初めて愛した人は　なかなか忘れられない
庭に咲いているダリア見て思い出すの
あの頃は初々しく　二人とも背伸びをして
大人ぶった約束を口にしていた

夜遅くてもあなたの帰り　起きて待っていた
どんな小さな出来事さえも　報告していた

「花言葉が『優雅』だから君に似合うよ」って
あなたは赤いダリア買ってくれたね
何もない部屋の中で咲き誇るダリアは
二人の愛を彩るシンボルだった

初めて嘘つかれた日　なかなか立ち直れなくて
赤いダリアの花びら　少しちぎった

あなたが描く理想の人に　私はなれなくて
他の誰かに二人の未来　奪われたけれど

花言葉が『移り気』だと知っていたならば
心を守る事ができただろうか
「僕にはもう無理だ」とあなたはつぶやいた
二人の愛が壊れる瞬間だった

ララ　ダリア　ララ　ダリア

荷物をまとめ　飛び出してから　振り返らずに来た
年を重ねて　傷の痛みがなくなった今も

「花言葉が『優雅』だから君に似合うよ」って
あなたの声がたまに聞こえてくるの
この世界のどこかであなたは暮らしている
私の事もたまに思い出すのかな

花言葉が何であろうと　ダリアはずっと
二人の愛を彩る思い出の花
最初の愛を彩る思い出の花

ララ　ダリア　ララ　ダリア

初めて愛した人は　なかなか忘れられない
庭に咲いているダリア見て思い出すの

thanks for today, i had loads of fun!


poor mermaid (face blurred) that's stranded on the beach... lolx!













i pray that things would go smoothly for you tomorrow! ^^

20th century boys was such a wonderful manga! its plot is so intruiging, and at the end of every chapter u'll want to read on what happens next. the themes running through the story is so... unique. although this story talks about futuristic japan and the things (albeit horrible) that happened in the future, there is always the theme of the 60s, rock, "old" manga etc. that's pretty weird imo, but totally cool in its own way.

the artwork was fabulous! every detail drawn in each frame was so cool. i particularly remembered one scene where they showed someone telling something horrendous to chouno and otcho, where chouno was totally stunned, but otcho remained calm. however the next statement this person said, that kanna was still alive, totally stunned otcho. i thought that was... amazing. every drawing was so detailed that i felt i had been to the places kenji and friends had been to.

a major theme underlying the entire plot was about being unable to let go. one of the characters followed "friend" because him had not being given the attention he craved as a child, and while "friend" staged all the evil world domination and destruction of humanity due to how he had been wronged in the past and how others had not given him attention too when he was a child.

as children, we might not have thought about the impact of our actions on others, and might have done something cruel to others but in our eyes we don't see it as being "evil". the evil bullies of kenji's childhood thought they were playing with kenji's group when they were children! i guess memories gets warped with time, we only remember those we want to remember...

hate arises because we are unable to let go and forgive. if the young "friend" or his followers had been able to come to the concensus (which seemed impossible since they were merely kids then) or had seen the bigger picture, this hate might not have escalated to pushing humanity to the brink of extinction.













i had a dream again... i dreamt of the person i hated most. i dreamt that i was friends with him, studying together in the same room, doing homework together with him and my friends. it felt... so peaceful. and for once i was happy. but i wonder... is this a sign that i have come to consensus within myself, to have unravelled the tight knot deep in my heart and to have let go? but then again, this scenario would probably never happen in reality.













there is no way to defeat despair. the only way to overcome it... is to keep on walking.

i wish i had done this back then.

do you have anybody that you hate in your life?

sadly, i guess i have a few. well. a few that i dislike maybe. ok there's one, who betrayed my trust wayyy back in the past, but i guess i've come to consensus with that. i guess i understood why it happened, though i was hurt, but i guess i have already forgiven her. i can't say that when i hear news from her i'll wish her well, but i will be nonchalant and just take in the information...

however, there is one i have absolute strong feelings of disgust. yes, he betrayed my trust too, which was wayyy back in the past too, and i guess i do have a pretty good understanding of why he did it. but whenever i hear news about him, i have this strange strong feelings of anger towards him. sometimes so much to the point i wish i could just make him disappear from my world. or to wish that he's miserable. and the most funny thing is i had absolutely no intention of having such intense feelings of hatred. i wonder why. i would so much prefer to be nonchalant like the previous case...

how can we resolve such feelings of... hate? what is hate?

they say there is only a fine line between love and hatred. i guess it's true to some extent, they are both strong emotions felt with respect to some object or person in general. however, they are emotions from two extremities, and it amazes me how people can switch from one extreme to the other in a short period of time. take for example my relationship with durians. when i was very young (in my secondary school days) i loved durians, i would enjoy eating them with my family almost every weekend! yet, after eating something i loved so frequently, i got really sick of them, and since my jc days, whenever people offer me durian i would turn them down. well even right now, i can't get over my withdrawl from durian though i have not touched it for 6 years... (and there's a durian sitting in my house waiting for me to eat it up...)

well there's one really interesting example. take my relationship with my mum. i would never say i adore her. but there are times i really do hate her. which is really funny cos one moment i chat with her like she's my close friend and the other moment i'll want to scream her down the road and not want to have any relations with her at all. and sometimes i'll be indifferent to what happens to her too.

this being said though, i do not enjoy such feelings of hatred. i hate it when i get upset because of such feelings towards someone that results in me acting in ways i ususally don't. as such i wish to seek reconcilation, but i have no idea how to do that.

they say time heals all wounds too and feelings fade with time. however 6 years... of my durian relationship and i could not resolve it. 5 years with that particular person i hate, and those feelings are still strong. erms... 23 years with my mum and... ok i still have very bad mood swing when she's around. opps. i really don't mean it, but definitely it seems in these cases feelings do not fade with time. haha~

i read my chat log with my friend 3 years ago by accident today. it was amazing, i didn't knew i could say such philosophical things... about life, about our world and society... but looking at the things i say or do or even think now... they're so... mundane. i've become more financially independent, saw more of the world, experienced more joy and heartbreak... so what? instead of giving more things thought and gaining my own perspective of the world, i have become more and more drawn to my own personal problems, taking in information and not going the extra mile to process them.

even now, i'm still looking at my inner self instead of giving attention to things beyond my personal needs and boundaries.

perhaps, in order to go beyond our own boundaries, we need to first satisfy our own needs. once we have satisfied the basic physiological, safety, love/belonging, and esteem needs, (of the Maslow's hierarchy of needs) before we can even talk about morality and etc. could it be that i have unfulfilled needs from the lower levels of the hierarchy, causing me to have left out the satisfaction of higher level moral and creativity needs?

then again, maybe this is all an excuse.

I didn't realize that the meaning of the lyrics behind this song was that meaningful... Now that I finally understood what it was trying to say, i feel in love with this song immediately...



手紙 ～拝啓 十五の君へ～
アンジェラ・アキ

拝啓　この手紙　呼んでいるあなたは　
どこで何をしているのだろう　　　　　　　　　　　

十五の僕には　誰にも話せない　
悩みの種があるのです

未来の自分に宛てて書く手紙なら
きっと素直に打ち明けられるだろう

今 負けそうで 泣きそうで　
消えてしまいそうな僕は　　　　　　　　　　　　　　
誰の言葉を信じ歩けばいいの　　　　　　　　　　　

ひとつしかない　この胸が　
なんどもバラバラに割れて
苦しい中で　今を生きている　
今を生きている

拝啓　ありがとう　十五のあなたに
伝えたいことがあるのです

自分とはなにで どこへ向かうべきか　
問い続ければ見えてくる

荒れた青春の　海はきびしいけれど　
明日の岸辺へと　夢の船よ進め

今　負けないで　泣かないで　
消えてしまいそうな時は　
自分の声を信じ歩けばいいの

大人の僕も　　
傷ついて眠れない夜はあるけど　
苦くて甘い　今を生きている

人生のすべてに意味があるから　Woh Woh
恐れずにあなたの夢を育てて　

LaLaLa　　　LaLaLa 　　LaLaLa　　　　　Keep on believing　
LaLaLa　　　LaLaLa 　　LaLaLa　　　　　Keep on believing
Keep on believing　　　　　　　　　　　　　
Keep on believing

負けそうで　泣きそうで　
消えてしまいそうな僕は
誰の言葉を信じ歩いていけばいいの　Ah Ah

負けないで　泣かないで
消えてしまいそうな時は　
自分の声を　信じ歩けばいいの

いつの時代も　
悲しみを避けては通れないけど　
笑顔を見せて　　
今を生きていこう　今を生きていこう

拝啓 この手紙 呼んでいるあなたが
幸せなことを願います．．．

i guess it really takes great courage for creativity and innovation to be expressed. or even by being different. that's the thought i had while i was browsing through the verner panton exhibition at the national museum of singapore.

ok i must admit it's a rare thing for me to suggest a trip down to the museum... i guess the tv show introducing the exhibits available at our museums did give me an idea... you might think... what? only geeks go to the museum! but no no no... if u're a student and your school would most likely have subscribed to the corporate membership of museums, you actually can visit some of the exhibits at museums for free! what a great way for a cheap date (opps!) or just to kill time, and to broaden your horizons at the same time! but of course, it's best if you're down there with a curious mind...

it was a pity that i forgot my camera for this trip... but to compensate, i'll find some photos online to elaborate on what i'll have to say! :D wonders of the internet hees~

ok first things first, verner panton (not vernier as in the vernier calipers u lab freak) is a designer and architect from denmark (1926 - 1998)... some of his really famous designs includes the panton chair as shown below...



well, the first thing that came to mind when i saw the exhibits was... what? wad's so interesting about this guy? i mean, this chair just looks like the ones i see in ikea! but but but... hold ur horses! this guy actually designed this very modern looking chair in 1967! that's like... 40 years ago! and at that period of time, people stick to conventional wooden chairs... verner panton actually dared to experiment with various materials such as plastic in the panton chair, as well as steel in various designs such as the bachelor chair below, which once again may seem like a normal chair we can find at ikea... but keep in mind, the bachelor chair was designed by verner panton in 1955...



... and verner panton actually dared to experiment with colours... he was also a textile designer who tries to incorporate basic shapes in his designs... his designs actually remind me of the symmetry homework i had in primary school! so i was really amazed that he actually became famous for thinking of how to arrange simple geometric or organic shapes into designs! this design below is made up of organic shape that resembles the cross section of an onion...



my favourite item of the exhibit is the heart shaped cone chair designed in 1959... it is amazing how he could support the weight of a person with the design of an inverted cone shaped chair... and the heart shape he incorporated at the top makes it even more special... i wonder if he designed this for his gf then... hees! presenting below... the heart shaped cone chair!!!



all these amazing works did not appear just in a day or two, or even within weeks or months. he had to go through a lot of experimenting, and he definitely did not succeed overnight. just for the panton chair, he had to go through all the different kinds of materials available before he settled for plastic, which was totally unconventional at that point in time... and even so, there is probably no way for him to spring this innovative idea all by his own... his ideas actually sparked off from others before him, and even from other industries perhaps... his designs emphasize on modularity and systematic designs, which is a concept well-known to engineers like me... and he incorporated these ideas into his designs, which others proclaim him to be a really creative and innovative designer...

thus, to be "creative", we don't really have to start from scratch... if we broaden our horizons, and then incorporate ideas from other areas into the field we are working on, that would become a source of creativity. this sounds a little like blue ocean strategy isn't it, it's like a formula for innovation! but of course this is just one of the possible ways to spark creativity perhaps...

the next problem to consider probably, would be whether one is daring enough to put his creative ideas into actions. verner panton might actually be one of the few lucky ones who made it big with his novel ideas... there might be others out there who did think of things out of the box, but remained relatively unknown and have yet to be acknowledged. and i bet people's initial response to such fresh ideas might not have been very positive... so how did creative and innovative people such as verner panton actually find the drive to keep doing things that are different?

passion perhaps? or was it their stubborness to try something that's relatively different? or it was their desire to spread their ideas to others around them? or could it even be something as absurb (to me at least) as to fulfilling their dream of changing (even a small part of) the world???

i suppose, a vital portion to their actions would be courage. the courage to be different. the courage to persist despite negative reactions to their works.














i really wonder. in facing with my quarter life crisis (opps i'm quoting you zhida) will i have the courage to persist? in a path that's so much different from what others trek down... and in a path where i might face prejudice... do i really have to do this? i might be much better off if i take the common path to become a conventional engineer (oh so boring)... why must i do something radically different from others? and what if the path i have in mind turns out to be unsuitable for me? there is just so much uncertainty that i am so hesitant to make my decision...

i was kinda fearless initially when i applied for a job in the gaming industry... and i was quite confident of getting it... like... 66%? haha! then in the end i guess i kamikazed myself because i just had to voice my opinion during the final interview (which wasn't necessary in the first place... but oh well... haha~)

well... failure was not supposed to demoralize me -that- much. but some of the questions posted to me during my interviews did start me thinking... like how the gaming industry is male-dominant... this means there are few girls, and i would be very likely to have differing opinions from the majority in project teams... and this industry might not be that... sympathetic to female related issues, such as settling down and establishing a family... i mean, this industry most likely requires a lot of OT on a pretty regular basis... if i were to have my own family, the time i have for them would be minimal... which is something i'm unwilling to compromise at this point in time.

and... as i tried to apply for the game designer position... when i was asked whether i had written any stories recently, i replied honestly that i didn't. but i do blog (though not so much on a regular basis during my final year in school...) which i didn't really mention in the end... i guess my blog entries do flow pretty well... erms... right? haha! but i did start to doubt whether i'm good at story telling... i'm such a NEET and i can't really communicate verbally that well... i guess i'm a little better at writing...? haha~ i'm not -that- bad right? it doesn't mean that if i haven't written stories, or even told stories verbally, that i'm not good at them, isn't it? =X

and since i didn't get the job i had tried so hard for, i started making backup plans... which involve me taking a one year diploma course in game programming... when i went to submit my application form, the company providing the course seemed... dubious. and that's when i really became doubtful about my choice of taking the course. i mean... with all these challenges i foresee, is it really worth it for me to go all out of the way, just to achieve something i find... interesting? i mean, i can go on with my life with a normal (read. boring~) software engineer job and have a much higher paying job with my ideal 5 day work week... why should i take the tougher path??? why should i try to be different?













this brings me to other points about my life which i have just set them aside and not done much pondering yet. the idea of working hard for a certain goal. we work hard on something because we feel that the end result is something worthwhile right? what if... the end result we foresee has no value? would you still work hard on it? or would you just sit back and just let it go auto pilot (as in just... not do much for it)?

this was the issue i had with my fyp for the past year. i knew, no matter how hard i work on my final year project, my results would neither go up nor down. so... should i put in all my energy on this project? or just let it slide?

my decision was to just take it easy. i mean... why bother when there is no change in the end result? to me that's the same as having no value in working hard.

when my mum found out i got a b+ for my fyp(which isn't that bad, though we knew i could do much better than that) she asked me what happened, so i voiced out my thoughts. i regretted later as i could tell she was really sad that i had totally no motivation for the project which was already over by now. and i felt sad because i knew what i said had hurt her. i mean, i was so self-motivated in the past, what happened to me man.

and ever since the end of school... i have been like a couch potato ever since... never contributing to the society (by working), just eating sleeping playing game and repeat the above cycle... i'm just like a worthless bum... (opps that sounds really harsh) i mean i enjoy this kind of hikikomori life once in a while, but for me to have persisted for a month was really... omg for my mum. so when i told her that if i don't see any value in working for something, then i wouldn't do it... my mum said... there's like no value in taking care of me cos i'm like a pig these days and totally not contributing to the family or society, then why should she do it?

hmmmmms good question... hees... cos of responsibility? nahh? hmmms i wonder...

i probably can't find a satisfactory answer to this question...

i guess... we should work hard first, when we see value in the end result of our efforts. even when hard work seems not to be worthwhile, we'll slog for it because of responsibility. or the will to self-improve. ahh. all the philosophy. i'm a little skeptical about this though i'm the one who said it... it's a little like bullshit to me now... haha.

ok, assuming that what i've suggested above is true... what if... we really can't find the above mentioned 3 reasons to work hard? would we still give up in the end? should we? hmmmms... more food for thought.













ok putting that issue aside... back to the career path quarter life crisis... after the museum exhibit, i guess i found a little courage there... well, i'm not the only female that's dreams to work in the gaming industry... it will definitely be hard... but look at all those people before me! there had been people who were the firsts in doing a particular thing... like the first in coming up with a certain design, or the first to participate in a certain kind of event... verner panton is one of the many out there... and... i had a glimpse of the first and only female that participates in bull-fighting from a tv show advertisement... and that's also a male dominated field... if she can do it, why can't i?

nothing's easy... and if i can identify a goal for me to work towards, and if i were to focus on that single goal, i can succeed. though there would be many challenges along the way, but wouldn't it be more fun that way? and isn't it worthwhile to attempt to fulfill a dream while i am still young? i don't wanna regret after most of my life had gone by for not having the courage to dream while i was young...

and... i've played games all my life. i would really really like to work on something that would bring joy to others, just like how it had brought joy and entertainment to me... unlike working on some corporate telecommunications project, which i can't really feel the direct impact of my work on the public... (oh no, i'm not condemning these kind of jobs, really. it's just... not my cup of tea perhaps?)















so i guess... i'm all set! i just need to pack my passion, feelings, and a little bit of courage into my backpack (and hopefully a torchlight... anyone out there know any torchlights out there? haha) and... i'll be off for my adventure of my lifetime!!! omg. don't i sound a little like luffy out on an adventure? lolx~ thank you verner panton and the mysterious female bull fighter out there! =)

and thanks kt, sheila, wendy and kelvin for helping me convince myself and passing some of ur positivity to me =) i needed that! ^^

Again and again, I'm back at the same question I started out with a few months ago.

I don't know why I felt so terrible trying to tell you my most inner thoughts.
So much that I can't help but to start tearing.
I know it's me. It's not your fault.
The things I said I thought I was going to hurt you.
But you brushed them off as though they're nothing.
Were you really as strong as you seem?

I feel like a lost child
Wandering through darkness
Crying while searching
for that single eternity.
What exactly is that?
True love? Or...?

Between love and career
which would you choose?
I've made a silly mistake 4 years ago.
I'm not going to make the same one again.
The situation this time is so much different.
Even if I knew it would be worth it this time
Would I take the same steps I took before?
I'm sorry I can't trust you 100%
I guess there's no way I could do that
Especially after all those things I had encountered.
I know you think there's no right or wrong
But I want to let you know
It always pained me whenever you're upset.











Sometimes When We Touch

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides













Myself

どうしてどうして　好きなんだろう
こんなに　涙　溢れてる

あの頃は　失うものが多すぎて　何も歌えなかった
少し離れた場所　そこが私の　居場所だった

君の瞳の奥に　あの日　さみしさを見つけた
二人似てるのかな？
気付けばいつも　隣にいてくれた

どうしてこんなに　好きなんだろう
君の声　悲しいほど　響いてるヨ
いままで何が　支えだったか
遠く離れて　わかったよ

泣きながら　捜し続けた　迷子の　子供のように
けどそこには　永遠なんて　あるわけなくて

「誰も信じなければ　いいんだよ」　唾やいたね
二人似てたのかな？
あの時君を　守ると決めたのに

どうして思い出に　できないんだろう
遠すぎて　近すぎて　届かないよ
「忘れよう」って　思えば思うほど
君が大きく　なってくよ

どうしてこんなに　好きなんだろう
君の声　悲しいほど　響いてるヨ
いままで何が　支えだったか
遠く離れて　わかったよ

どうして　君を　好きになったんだろう
簡単すぎて答えにならない













Why, oh why do I love you so much?
My tears overflow this much

Back in that time, there was so much to lose that I couldn't sing anything
The place you had left for a while--That was where I was

That day, deep in your eyes, I saw the loneliness
Are the two of us really alike?
If I'd realized it, you were always by my side

Why do I love you so much?
Your voice rings inside me so much it makes me sad
Just what it was that supported me so much
From afar, I realize it now

Like a lost child, crying and searching
But there was no such thing as forever

"It's okay if you don't believe in anyone" you whispered
Were the two of us really alike?
And I decided then I would protect you

Why can't I turn them to memories
You're too far, too near for me to reach
The more I tell myself "I will forget"
The larger you loom in my thoughts

Why do I love you so much?
Your voice rings (inside me) so much it makes me sad
Just what it was that supported me so much
I realize it now from afar

Why do I love you so much?
It's so easy I just can't answer

i guess i haven't cried in such a long time. ^^
nothing really moves me these days.
but going back to watch something that has once touched me...
i guess it certainly brings back memories.
in fact it made new memories.













私は今まで走っているんだ
何のために？

自分が分かった
大事な物を忘れてしまった
どうやってそのことを思い出すればいいでしょ？

それを見ると、覚えた。
その一所懸命な自分の意志
もう無くしまった。
何のようにがんばるとか、
その必要があるなのか？
今はどんどん分からなくてなってきた。

For those that didn't understand,

All the while I've been running,
What for?

I knew.
I have forgotten the thing that's important to me.
What could I do to remember that?

After watching that, I knew.
That unwavering will I had
was already lost.
For what purpose,
is there any need for it?
All these while I have gradually become unable to understand that.

最初その曲は悲しい気持ばかりだと思った。
でも、もう一度聞くと、人に暖かい感じすることもできる。
それはほんとうにびっくりした。
でも、うれしいだ。

Initially I thought that song can only convey sad feelings.
But, after hearing it one more time, it could also convey warmth to others.
I was alarmed.
But that made me happy.

Eternal Snow

君を好きになって　どれくらい経つのかナ？
気持ち　膨らんでゆくばかりで
君は　この思い気付いているのかナ？
一度も言葉には　してないけど

雪のように　ただ静かに
降り積もり　つづけてゆく

Hold me tight　こんな思いなら
誰かを好きになる気持ち
知りたく　なかったよ
I love you　涙止まらない
こんなんじゃ　君のこと
知らずにいれば　良かったよ

君をいつまで　思っているのかナ？
ため息が窓ガラス　曇らせた

揺れる心　灯すキャンドルで
今　溶かして　ゆけないかナ？

Hold me tight　折れるほど強く
木枯らし　吹雪に出会っても
寒くないようにと
I miss you　君を思うたび
編みかけの　このマフラー
今夜も一人　抱きしめるよ

永遠に降る雪があるなら
君へと続くこの思い　隠せるのかナ？

Hold me tight　こんな思いなら
誰かを好きになる気持ち
知りたく　なかったよ
I love you　胸に込み上げる
冬空に叫びたい
今すぐ君に　会いたいよ





Here's the translation (again! haha)

I fell in love with you
Just how long has it been since then?

My feelings have only been getting stronger.
I wonder have you realized..how I feel..

Even though I never said a word.
It is like a snowflake drifting gently, continuing to pile up...higher and higher.

Hold me tight if this is how it feels...
The feeling of falling in love with someone.
I never want to know that feeling.

I love you, I can't stop my tears from falling.
In that case then you should have never have come into my life.

I wonder how long will I keep thinking about you?
My breath is fogging up the glass window.

My trembling heart...is next to the lit candle...
and melting now... I wonder... will it survive?

Hold me tight, so tight that I might break.
So when we meet in the frigid gate of a blizzard..it won't be cold anymore..

I miss you..I think of you..so far away
With this hand-knit muffler...
I'm here alone..holding myself again tonight...

If the snow keeps on falling forever...will it cover my feeling for you?

Hold me tight if this is how it feels...
The feeling of falling in love with someone.
I never wanted to know that feeling.

I love you, It's filling up in my heart..
I want to shout to the winter sky..
I want to meet you right now...

Hold Me Tight...

I Love You....

it's been a really really long time since i last blogged...

and seriously, i have no idea wad i wanna blog today as well...

just feeling... restless... maybe cos i dun really know wad i wanna do now? despite having so many things weighing on me like my 2 quizzes next week and my piling amount of lagging schoolwork, and not to mention my job-search and possible phd professor search... there's just so many things out there for me to do! but maybe it's cos i know there's so much to do to the point i'm confused between my priorities? that's y i juz wanna procrastinate even for just one more day? haha~

i haven't been really talking about those erms... "cheem" things or thoughts that i have these days... i do think about them actually, just that i probably seldom place them on my blog these days... and now i do have a regular outlet for me to "vent" my frustrations to... *opps sorry to the unfortunate being... haha!* so yups, there's probably less motivation for me to blog. but in my recent japanese class i did discuss this topic with my group... so this kinda sprung the idea that i should probably come back to my blog once in a while... =Pp afterall, i haven't blogged in a month! my goodness!

i guess i'm standing at the crossroads again... unsure of where to go next. should i take a phd and continue down the path of a researcher? or should i try to pursue my interests and work in a job with relatively lower pay? do i need the money as badly as i sound? well, having more money surely wouldn't hurt. and i might be even able to help support my family n stuff... help my dad retire earlier or something... =X i dunno... but definitely having more money is good. but is research definitely the thing for me? would i be able to persist in research work? on the other hand, i'm looking at game programmer jobs which is definitely my passion (i think haha!) but i may or may not get it, and the starting pay would definitely be lower than that of a researcher... =X

my parents advise me to spread my options out... but seriously, i feel it's stressing me... cos i have to put in double the effort others put in for their future path. well, i guess i'm always like that. somehow i have the "disturbing" habit of putting myself at disadvantage, and having to work twice the amount of others bahs... like for japanese class i think i'm doing double the learning as compared to my classmates (i'm not sure of that actually, cos i think some are taking external courses out of school) but some don't seem to even bother with their school work. and then in previous semesters i study and teach tuition at the same time n stuff, having less time on my hands to study play n rest. but it's this stressful life that makes me feel fulfilling. and maybe even happy. lolx~ maybe i'm just a weirdo~~

anyways, i'm feeling really giddy now all of a sudden, maybe it's time to call it a day... =X