i guess it really takes great courage for creativity and innovation to be expressed. or even by being different. that's the thought i had while i was browsing through the verner panton exhibition at the national museum of singapore.

ok i must admit it's a rare thing for me to suggest a trip down to the museum... i guess the tv show introducing the exhibits available at our museums did give me an idea... you might think... what? only geeks go to the museum! but no no no... if u're a student and your school would most likely have subscribed to the corporate membership of museums, you actually can visit some of the exhibits at museums for free! what a great way for a cheap date (opps!) or just to kill time, and to broaden your horizons at the same time! but of course, it's best if you're down there with a curious mind...

it was a pity that i forgot my camera for this trip... but to compensate, i'll find some photos online to elaborate on what i'll have to say! :D wonders of the internet hees~

ok first things first, verner panton (not vernier as in the vernier calipers u lab freak) is a designer and architect from denmark (1926 - 1998)... some of his really famous designs includes the panton chair as shown below...



well, the first thing that came to mind when i saw the exhibits was... what? wad's so interesting about this guy? i mean, this chair just looks like the ones i see in ikea! but but but... hold ur horses! this guy actually designed this very modern looking chair in 1967! that's like... 40 years ago! and at that period of time, people stick to conventional wooden chairs... verner panton actually dared to experiment with various materials such as plastic in the panton chair, as well as steel in various designs such as the bachelor chair below, which once again may seem like a normal chair we can find at ikea... but keep in mind, the bachelor chair was designed by verner panton in 1955...



... and verner panton actually dared to experiment with colours... he was also a textile designer who tries to incorporate basic shapes in his designs... his designs actually remind me of the symmetry homework i had in primary school! so i was really amazed that he actually became famous for thinking of how to arrange simple geometric or organic shapes into designs! this design below is made up of organic shape that resembles the cross section of an onion...



my favourite item of the exhibit is the heart shaped cone chair designed in 1959... it is amazing how he could support the weight of a person with the design of an inverted cone shaped chair... and the heart shape he incorporated at the top makes it even more special... i wonder if he designed this for his gf then... hees! presenting below... the heart shaped cone chair!!!



all these amazing works did not appear just in a day or two, or even within weeks or months. he had to go through a lot of experimenting, and he definitely did not succeed overnight. just for the panton chair, he had to go through all the different kinds of materials available before he settled for plastic, which was totally unconventional at that point in time... and even so, there is probably no way for him to spring this innovative idea all by his own... his ideas actually sparked off from others before him, and even from other industries perhaps... his designs emphasize on modularity and systematic designs, which is a concept well-known to engineers like me... and he incorporated these ideas into his designs, which others proclaim him to be a really creative and innovative designer...

thus, to be "creative", we don't really have to start from scratch... if we broaden our horizons, and then incorporate ideas from other areas into the field we are working on, that would become a source of creativity. this sounds a little like blue ocean strategy isn't it, it's like a formula for innovation! but of course this is just one of the possible ways to spark creativity perhaps...

the next problem to consider probably, would be whether one is daring enough to put his creative ideas into actions. verner panton might actually be one of the few lucky ones who made it big with his novel ideas... there might be others out there who did think of things out of the box, but remained relatively unknown and have yet to be acknowledged. and i bet people's initial response to such fresh ideas might not have been very positive... so how did creative and innovative people such as verner panton actually find the drive to keep doing things that are different?

passion perhaps? or was it their stubborness to try something that's relatively different? or it was their desire to spread their ideas to others around them? or could it even be something as absurb (to me at least) as to fulfilling their dream of changing (even a small part of) the world???

i suppose, a vital portion to their actions would be courage. the courage to be different. the courage to persist despite negative reactions to their works.














i really wonder. in facing with my quarter life crisis (opps i'm quoting you zhida) will i have the courage to persist? in a path that's so much different from what others trek down... and in a path where i might face prejudice... do i really have to do this? i might be much better off if i take the common path to become a conventional engineer (oh so boring)... why must i do something radically different from others? and what if the path i have in mind turns out to be unsuitable for me? there is just so much uncertainty that i am so hesitant to make my decision...

i was kinda fearless initially when i applied for a job in the gaming industry... and i was quite confident of getting it... like... 66%? haha! then in the end i guess i kamikazed myself because i just had to voice my opinion during the final interview (which wasn't necessary in the first place... but oh well... haha~)

well... failure was not supposed to demoralize me -that- much. but some of the questions posted to me during my interviews did start me thinking... like how the gaming industry is male-dominant... this means there are few girls, and i would be very likely to have differing opinions from the majority in project teams... and this industry might not be that... sympathetic to female related issues, such as settling down and establishing a family... i mean, this industry most likely requires a lot of OT on a pretty regular basis... if i were to have my own family, the time i have for them would be minimal... which is something i'm unwilling to compromise at this point in time.

and... as i tried to apply for the game designer position... when i was asked whether i had written any stories recently, i replied honestly that i didn't. but i do blog (though not so much on a regular basis during my final year in school...) which i didn't really mention in the end... i guess my blog entries do flow pretty well... erms... right? haha! but i did start to doubt whether i'm good at story telling... i'm such a NEET and i can't really communicate verbally that well... i guess i'm a little better at writing...? haha~ i'm not -that- bad right? it doesn't mean that if i haven't written stories, or even told stories verbally, that i'm not good at them, isn't it? =X

and since i didn't get the job i had tried so hard for, i started making backup plans... which involve me taking a one year diploma course in game programming... when i went to submit my application form, the company providing the course seemed... dubious. and that's when i really became doubtful about my choice of taking the course. i mean... with all these challenges i foresee, is it really worth it for me to go all out of the way, just to achieve something i find... interesting? i mean, i can go on with my life with a normal (read. boring~) software engineer job and have a much higher paying job with my ideal 5 day work week... why should i take the tougher path??? why should i try to be different?













this brings me to other points about my life which i have just set them aside and not done much pondering yet. the idea of working hard for a certain goal. we work hard on something because we feel that the end result is something worthwhile right? what if... the end result we foresee has no value? would you still work hard on it? or would you just sit back and just let it go auto pilot (as in just... not do much for it)?

this was the issue i had with my fyp for the past year. i knew, no matter how hard i work on my final year project, my results would neither go up nor down. so... should i put in all my energy on this project? or just let it slide?

my decision was to just take it easy. i mean... why bother when there is no change in the end result? to me that's the same as having no value in working hard.

when my mum found out i got a b+ for my fyp(which isn't that bad, though we knew i could do much better than that) she asked me what happened, so i voiced out my thoughts. i regretted later as i could tell she was really sad that i had totally no motivation for the project which was already over by now. and i felt sad because i knew what i said had hurt her. i mean, i was so self-motivated in the past, what happened to me man.

and ever since the end of school... i have been like a couch potato ever since... never contributing to the society (by working), just eating sleeping playing game and repeat the above cycle... i'm just like a worthless bum... (opps that sounds really harsh) i mean i enjoy this kind of hikikomori life once in a while, but for me to have persisted for a month was really... omg for my mum. so when i told her that if i don't see any value in working for something, then i wouldn't do it... my mum said... there's like no value in taking care of me cos i'm like a pig these days and totally not contributing to the family or society, then why should she do it?

hmmmmms good question... hees... cos of responsibility? nahh? hmmms i wonder...

i probably can't find a satisfactory answer to this question...

i guess... we should work hard first, when we see value in the end result of our efforts. even when hard work seems not to be worthwhile, we'll slog for it because of responsibility. or the will to self-improve. ahh. all the philosophy. i'm a little skeptical about this though i'm the one who said it... it's a little like bullshit to me now... haha.

ok, assuming that what i've suggested above is true... what if... we really can't find the above mentioned 3 reasons to work hard? would we still give up in the end? should we? hmmmms... more food for thought.













ok putting that issue aside... back to the career path quarter life crisis... after the museum exhibit, i guess i found a little courage there... well, i'm not the only female that's dreams to work in the gaming industry... it will definitely be hard... but look at all those people before me! there had been people who were the firsts in doing a particular thing... like the first in coming up with a certain design, or the first to participate in a certain kind of event... verner panton is one of the many out there... and... i had a glimpse of the first and only female that participates in bull-fighting from a tv show advertisement... and that's also a male dominated field... if she can do it, why can't i?

nothing's easy... and if i can identify a goal for me to work towards, and if i were to focus on that single goal, i can succeed. though there would be many challenges along the way, but wouldn't it be more fun that way? and isn't it worthwhile to attempt to fulfill a dream while i am still young? i don't wanna regret after most of my life had gone by for not having the courage to dream while i was young...

and... i've played games all my life. i would really really like to work on something that would bring joy to others, just like how it had brought joy and entertainment to me... unlike working on some corporate telecommunications project, which i can't really feel the direct impact of my work on the public... (oh no, i'm not condemning these kind of jobs, really. it's just... not my cup of tea perhaps?)















so i guess... i'm all set! i just need to pack my passion, feelings, and a little bit of courage into my backpack (and hopefully a torchlight... anyone out there know any torchlights out there? haha) and... i'll be off for my adventure of my lifetime!!! omg. don't i sound a little like luffy out on an adventure? lolx~ thank you verner panton and the mysterious female bull fighter out there! =)

and thanks kt, sheila, wendy and kelvin for helping me convince myself and passing some of ur positivity to me =) i needed that! ^^

Again and again, I'm back at the same question I started out with a few months ago.

I don't know why I felt so terrible trying to tell you my most inner thoughts.
So much that I can't help but to start tearing.
I know it's me. It's not your fault.
The things I said I thought I was going to hurt you.
But you brushed them off as though they're nothing.
Were you really as strong as you seem?

I feel like a lost child
Wandering through darkness
Crying while searching
for that single eternity.
What exactly is that?
True love? Or...?

Between love and career
which would you choose?
I've made a silly mistake 4 years ago.
I'm not going to make the same one again.
The situation this time is so much different.
Even if I knew it would be worth it this time
Would I take the same steps I took before?
I'm sorry I can't trust you 100%
I guess there's no way I could do that
Especially after all those things I had encountered.
I know you think there's no right or wrong
But I want to let you know
It always pained me whenever you're upset.











Sometimes When We Touch

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides













Myself

どうしてどうして　好きなんだろう
こんなに　涙　溢れてる

あの頃は　失うものが多すぎて　何も歌えなかった
少し離れた場所　そこが私の　居場所だった

君の瞳の奥に　あの日　さみしさを見つけた
二人似てるのかな？
気付けばいつも　隣にいてくれた

どうしてこんなに　好きなんだろう
君の声　悲しいほど　響いてるヨ
いままで何が　支えだったか
遠く離れて　わかったよ

泣きながら　捜し続けた　迷子の　子供のように
けどそこには　永遠なんて　あるわけなくて

「誰も信じなければ　いいんだよ」　唾やいたね
二人似てたのかな？
あの時君を　守ると決めたのに

どうして思い出に　できないんだろう
遠すぎて　近すぎて　届かないよ
「忘れよう」って　思えば思うほど
君が大きく　なってくよ

どうしてこんなに　好きなんだろう
君の声　悲しいほど　響いてるヨ
いままで何が　支えだったか
遠く離れて　わかったよ

どうして　君を　好きになったんだろう
簡単すぎて答えにならない













Why, oh why do I love you so much?
My tears overflow this much

Back in that time, there was so much to lose that I couldn't sing anything
The place you had left for a while--That was where I was

That day, deep in your eyes, I saw the loneliness
Are the two of us really alike?
If I'd realized it, you were always by my side

Why do I love you so much?
Your voice rings inside me so much it makes me sad
Just what it was that supported me so much
From afar, I realize it now

Like a lost child, crying and searching
But there was no such thing as forever

"It's okay if you don't believe in anyone" you whispered
Were the two of us really alike?
And I decided then I would protect you

Why can't I turn them to memories
You're too far, too near for me to reach
The more I tell myself "I will forget"
The larger you loom in my thoughts

Why do I love you so much?
Your voice rings (inside me) so much it makes me sad
Just what it was that supported me so much
I realize it now from afar

Why do I love you so much?
It's so easy I just can't answer

i guess i haven't cried in such a long time. ^^
nothing really moves me these days.
but going back to watch something that has once touched me...
i guess it certainly brings back memories.
in fact it made new memories.













私は今まで走っているんだ
何のために？

自分が分かった
大事な物を忘れてしまった
どうやってそのことを思い出すればいいでしょ？

それを見ると、覚えた。
その一所懸命な自分の意志
もう無くしまった。
何のようにがんばるとか、
その必要があるなのか？
今はどんどん分からなくてなってきた。

For those that didn't understand,

All the while I've been running,
What for?

I knew.
I have forgotten the thing that's important to me.
What could I do to remember that?

After watching that, I knew.
That unwavering will I had
was already lost.
For what purpose,
is there any need for it?
All these while I have gradually become unable to understand that.

最初その曲は悲しい気持ばかりだと思った。
でも、もう一度聞くと、人に暖かい感じすることもできる。
それはほんとうにびっくりした。
でも、うれしいだ。

Initially I thought that song can only convey sad feelings.
But, after hearing it one more time, it could also convey warmth to others.
I was alarmed.
But that made me happy.

Eternal Snow

君を好きになって　どれくらい経つのかナ？
気持ち　膨らんでゆくばかりで
君は　この思い気付いているのかナ？
一度も言葉には　してないけど

雪のように　ただ静かに
降り積もり　つづけてゆく

Hold me tight　こんな思いなら
誰かを好きになる気持ち
知りたく　なかったよ
I love you　涙止まらない
こんなんじゃ　君のこと
知らずにいれば　良かったよ

君をいつまで　思っているのかナ？
ため息が窓ガラス　曇らせた

揺れる心　灯すキャンドルで
今　溶かして　ゆけないかナ？

Hold me tight　折れるほど強く
木枯らし　吹雪に出会っても
寒くないようにと
I miss you　君を思うたび
編みかけの　このマフラー
今夜も一人　抱きしめるよ

永遠に降る雪があるなら
君へと続くこの思い　隠せるのかナ？

Hold me tight　こんな思いなら
誰かを好きになる気持ち
知りたく　なかったよ
I love you　胸に込み上げる
冬空に叫びたい
今すぐ君に　会いたいよ





Here's the translation (again! haha)

I fell in love with you
Just how long has it been since then?

My feelings have only been getting stronger.
I wonder have you realized..how I feel..

Even though I never said a word.
It is like a snowflake drifting gently, continuing to pile up...higher and higher.

Hold me tight if this is how it feels...
The feeling of falling in love with someone.
I never want to know that feeling.

I love you, I can't stop my tears from falling.
In that case then you should have never have come into my life.

I wonder how long will I keep thinking about you?
My breath is fogging up the glass window.

My trembling heart...is next to the lit candle...
and melting now... I wonder... will it survive?

Hold me tight, so tight that I might break.
So when we meet in the frigid gate of a blizzard..it won't be cold anymore..

I miss you..I think of you..so far away
With this hand-knit muffler...
I'm here alone..holding myself again tonight...

If the snow keeps on falling forever...will it cover my feeling for you?

Hold me tight if this is how it feels...
The feeling of falling in love with someone.
I never wanted to know that feeling.

I love you, It's filling up in my heart..
I want to shout to the winter sky..
I want to meet you right now...

Hold Me Tight...

I Love You....

it's been a really really long time since i last blogged...

and seriously, i have no idea wad i wanna blog today as well...

just feeling... restless... maybe cos i dun really know wad i wanna do now? despite having so many things weighing on me like my 2 quizzes next week and my piling amount of lagging schoolwork, and not to mention my job-search and possible phd professor search... there's just so many things out there for me to do! but maybe it's cos i know there's so much to do to the point i'm confused between my priorities? that's y i juz wanna procrastinate even for just one more day? haha~

i haven't been really talking about those erms... "cheem" things or thoughts that i have these days... i do think about them actually, just that i probably seldom place them on my blog these days... and now i do have a regular outlet for me to "vent" my frustrations to... *opps sorry to the unfortunate being... haha!* so yups, there's probably less motivation for me to blog. but in my recent japanese class i did discuss this topic with my group... so this kinda sprung the idea that i should probably come back to my blog once in a while... =Pp afterall, i haven't blogged in a month! my goodness!

i guess i'm standing at the crossroads again... unsure of where to go next. should i take a phd and continue down the path of a researcher? or should i try to pursue my interests and work in a job with relatively lower pay? do i need the money as badly as i sound? well, having more money surely wouldn't hurt. and i might be even able to help support my family n stuff... help my dad retire earlier or something... =X i dunno... but definitely having more money is good. but is research definitely the thing for me? would i be able to persist in research work? on the other hand, i'm looking at game programmer jobs which is definitely my passion (i think haha!) but i may or may not get it, and the starting pay would definitely be lower than that of a researcher... =X

my parents advise me to spread my options out... but seriously, i feel it's stressing me... cos i have to put in double the effort others put in for their future path. well, i guess i'm always like that. somehow i have the "disturbing" habit of putting myself at disadvantage, and having to work twice the amount of others bahs... like for japanese class i think i'm doing double the learning as compared to my classmates (i'm not sure of that actually, cos i think some are taking external courses out of school) but some don't seem to even bother with their school work. and then in previous semesters i study and teach tuition at the same time n stuff, having less time on my hands to study play n rest. but it's this stressful life that makes me feel fulfilling. and maybe even happy. lolx~ maybe i'm just a weirdo~~

anyways, i'm feeling really giddy now all of a sudden, maybe it's time to call it a day... =X

just started watching 絶対彼氏 and it's so addictive and shiok... ^^ although the mtv is nothing much, but the actual song makes me feel pretty relaxed and i love it =) here's the lyrics of the ending song by ayaka... enjoy~~

おかえり
絢香

おかえり　sweet home
帰る場所 愛をありがとう

まだ平気なフリをして
悲しみの色を塗りつぶして
笑ってしまうんです
信じることの大切さ　わかってるのに
いざという時　疑ってしまうんです

空っぽの体　流れる時に　
浮いてしまいそうになるけど
あなたのこと　抱きしめたい
このキモチが突きをかすの

おかえり I'm home
一言で　満たされる心
おかえり　sweet home
帰る場所 愛をありがとう sweet home

自分のことばかりを考える
大人はずるいんだと思っていたんです
でも必死で帰ることを 叫んでる人
もいるんだと やっと知ったんです

当たり 前の 幸せなんか　
この世界に一つもない
あなたのため　そう思えた
このキモチが突きをかすの

おかえり　I'm home
スピードが加速してく毎日
おかえり sweet home
変わらない　ずっとある景色 sweet home

探して　なくした　
心の傷が　立ち向かう強さに変われたのは
｢おかえり｣があったから

おかえり　I'm home
一言で　満たされる心
おかえり sweet home
帰る場所　愛をありがとう

おかえり　I'm home
大丈夫　あなたがいるから
おかえり sweet home
待っててね　もうすぐ着くから sweet home

i guess... it's just human nature to rebel...

我想我大概明白为什么那么喜欢你。
并不是因为你是那么的与众不同。
你。。。那么脚踏实地，那么体贴
的确，或许就像你所说的，
这大概就是你所追求的
《完美关系》。。。

每一对男女，从普通朋友成为好朋友，升级为情侣再步入礼堂，大多数都会在感情不同阶段里发现彼此未所看到的一面。有些人无法接受并承认所揭开的那一面，认为是对方变了，但事实就是这样吗？还是那只是因为彼此还不够了解彼此呢？

你说，如果因为发现对方比自己想象的人不一样而分手、离婚，难怪世上有那么多情侣分手、那么多夫妇搞离婚。

对，我完全同意。

我想，如果想真正长久下去，一对男女就需要懂得彼此包容。你说看到彼此未发现的一面，这就是人生。人又为何要违反人生的规律呢？

所以，我不会再害怕了。
因为我就是我。
谢谢你让我发现这一点。

mixed feelings.

i shouldn't have dropped by, i suppose. and i don't think u'll even care.

despite having left for such a long time, i guess that feeling never fades away.
feeling of hatred?
of disgust?
at the lies? or hypocrisy?

i don't know anymore.
i don't wanna care about it anymore.
did you even feel guilty in the first place?
that thought of it made me feel like laughing.
well i guess you weren't even refering to me in the first place since i'm so insignificant in your life.
the most important thing is... i am happy now. that's all that i need to know and feel right now.



i guess this is just one of those blue blue days...













on a side note, please please! let me focus and do well for this upcoming exams. i really need all the best possible grades i can get... =X *prays hard*

每个人不论在什么时候，都只能做一件事。说什么女人比较能够multi-task，那都是骗人的。只不过女人比较能够分配时间吧，在同个期间的不同时候做不同的事情。就像电脑一样，看起来好像是可以同时进行很多不同事项，但其实电脑只是把时间分割得非常细腻，在不同时段执行不同事项。所以总的来说，如果想要在一个期间内执行许多事项，就必须懂得好好分配时间。世界上没有人能够同时做那么多事，所以我也不应该逼自己在短时间内赶那么多作业之类的东西。凡是一步一步来，别想一步登天！

所以，不要对自己做那么不合理的要求，凡是尽自己的能力去做吧！不要让自己感到压力，这样只会减低工作效率。

庆瑜，加油！

wake me up when September ends...
wait! it's over already????!













at this point in time... i just want to scream

RRRRAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

i insist!
我不是草莓族！

i finally know wad went wrong with me the entire week...

i lost my focus. i got really forgetful these days, probably due to stress, and i have a really hard time trying to focus on my work too. rest is no longer restful enough, more than 8 hours of sleep is still insufficient. and work just keep piling up.

this is year 4 life...

i guess i need to learn how to focus while being immersed in stress. and how to organize and plan well in such an environment. =)

i wanna thank everyone who bear with me the entire week... be it my hrm team mates (for my lack of direction at meetings) and my dear for bearing with my little tantrums =)

a few more days and i'm a year older! =))













here's a song i really like... it has a nice tune and it's by S.H.E!!! yay!!!

612 星球
歌手：S.H.E

满园玫瑰 我以为 找到我那一朵
认真爱了 却狠狠 刺伤我的双手
责备什么人也没有用
玫瑰都红 难免看错

望着天空 爱是否 活在童话里头
小王子说 有些事 流浪过才会懂
原来每颗心都有个洞
找不到真爱 会一直寂寞 oh~

我但愿有一个人在等我
在属于我的612星球
好让我忍着痛也愿意往下走
不快乐至少要有梦

一定会有一个人在等我
无条件拥抱着我的所有
相遇前我还要翻越多少山丘
花别谢太快 请你等等我

擦干眼泪 一个人 漂流在这宇宙
小王子说 爱一定 开在某个角落
路上相爱的人那么多
我会幸福吗 在什么时候 oh~

我但愿有一个人在等我
在属于我的612星球
好让我忍着痛也愿意往下走
不快乐至少要有梦

一定会有一个人在等我
无条件拥抱着我的所有
相遇前我还要翻越多少山丘
花别谢太快 请你等等我

我但愿有一个人在等我
在属于我的612星球
好让我忍着痛也愿意往下走
不快乐至少要有梦

一定会有一个人在等我
无条件拥抱着我的所有
相遇前我还要翻越多少山丘
花别谢太快 请你等等我

you mentioned that you felt weird.
to tell the truth i felt weird too.
maybe i didn't know what i truly wanted.
i don't know whether you felt the same way.
what does it mean to be together?
could it be our expectations were too different?
i don't know... haha.
i suppose it is?

i must admit my actions these days might just be a reflection of how i am actually confused with what i want.
i want personal time, but i want time off with you too.
i want someone by my side when i need him...
i guess you wanted that person too.
but am i beside you when you needed me?
this i don't know...

i wonder if this is how you feel too...

wow, it's been a long time since i blogged about song lyrics...

can't wait for S.H.E's new album!!! XD










沿海公路的出口
歌手：S.H.E. 作词:黄建洲

用一盒火柴烧一场蜃楼　
藉这场大雨让自己逃走
慌茫公路无人的漂泊　
寂寞海啸 把我卷走

用一段感情换一个朋友　
每一句再见割一道伤口
躺在万劫不复的街头　
微笑参透 覆水难收

倘若说放一次手　就像咳一个咳嗽
我又何苦在乎得不到的温柔

我坐在公路的出口　
等待天黑以后 无边的寂寞
连想你都是种残酷切磋

我目送沿海的日落　
紧抱一个醉生 梦死的枕头
留不住回忆却学不会放手 怎么走

i'm sorry i lied.
i lied i had runny nose. but...
i guess you were right.



what's love?
does my actions reflect my true feelings?
how do i truly feel?



you were always the one who knew how i truly felt.

was it the same the other way round?

i felt i wasn't up to your expectations.

i'm starting to wonder and doubt myself.
like whether i'm a good gf in the first place.
saying sorry doesn't help.

actions speak more than words.
what can i do to seek your forgiveness?


maybe i shouldn't be forgiven...













please. be strong.

haha i just saw hwui zhi's comment on my tagboard... well i haven't really been blogging cos i'm pretty tied down to school work, relationship n the ps2 i just borrowed from yuchun for 2 years... haha! not exactly the best combi i must say, almost every day leaves me drained of my energy. but oh well, i'm learning something new everyday... =) though there's always this little wish that everyday is not just 24hrs but 48 hours... meaning more time for rest each day... ha!

so yups, a short post to start the day! somehow i forgot wad i had wanted to blog about initially... haha! alamak i must be getting really old... 3 second fish memory =X

though it's been such a long time... i'm disgusted at how bo sim you still are.
yah it's true u're probably lazy...
but telling lies to cover up your laziness is just so irritatingly annoying.
but i'm glad this happened, it made me appreciate what i have in front of me more... =))
i guess someone people just never change.

Thanks for the wonderful day... ^^

Sorry for not getting something for u... =X

But i still hope you enjoyed our special day =)) irirlu~

so many thoughts after my first hrm tutorial.

hrm was shit... i mean... hrm IS shit. what is hrm? hrm = human resource management. it is the field of study that focuses on the applications of Organizational Behaviour (OB) theories and principles in organizations. omfg i remembered that straight off the textbook. that's the power of MH.

(those who ask what/who is MH? all i can tell u is that you can take it as Morning Horizon. or even My Happiness. wth. >.<)

but the approach MH takes (though pretty unique... that's a nice way of putting it... eccentric maybe? that's still a pretty nice way of putting it still.. ha!) does invoke loads of thinking on my part. which was wad MH wanted to achieve... MH wanted us to abandon all our assumptions and learn to question. i was not inquisitive enough. this brings to mind (let's forget about the business market... ahh business environment is the outside environment, including customers, competitors, suppliers and distributors, which all impact on organizational detail... vomit from textbook again) how i'm always stuck in conversations and find conversing with strangers tiring. MH brought up how upon seeing someone for the first time MH would have 20 questions for that person. starting from probably "what's your name?" it branches out to 5 more questions. wad about me? if i ever squeeze out a question to try to strike conversation with a total stranger i'll be stuck after that. which was why i felt conversations were so tiring, i simply lack the inquisitive nature which i feel everybody has when they came to the world, but due to the circumstances we went through that nature was almost completely buried. so now the question is... how do we bring back that nature to us?

for a moment a funny thought came to mind... go onto the mrt and observe people... and formulate the possible questions you can think off just by looking at one of the strangers on mrts...

(and i feel it's absolutely interesting to just observe people on public transport like mrt and buses... there's so many things that u can see! like the way people dress... or the way they sit... and observe how people talk to each other... so interesting! hees)






and then, for this project i had, i was sort of involuntarily the leader of the group (i was the first name in the group haha) it felt totally weird and uneasy on my part, since from young i was sort of labeled having no leadership qualities... or so i thought. come on, i'm not someone who likes to explain every single action i do to others, i expect others to just follow me (and i lead by example) and i'm an introvert. i like to keep things to myself. all these are a no-no for leaders isn't it. but a part in me wants to be a leader. i don't like to follow orders or confinements. i have this desire to break these barriers. one of the ways i do so is with my dressing. haha this brings to mind... today i purposely chose to wear a rather bright red shirt matched with black cardigan and skirt when i knew everybody else would be wearing light colours like white or light blue or something. i just wanted to be different, to look brighter when i do my presentation, i don't want to be similar to others. i want to show i have an identity. so maybe that's why i don't want to simply be a follower. i want to be somebody different... (a leader in this sense? i dunno)

but look at me! during team discussions i choose to step aside and listen to what others have to say (and in the process i get lost in their conversations... it's so tiring to pay attention to wad others have to say sometimes) i choose to become the so called 便利贴女孩 that doesn't like to be different or doesn't express her opinion but choose to follow. what happened to the part of me that wants to be different?

because my ideas had been rejected previously? because i am afraid of giving wrong answer or wrong opinions? all these no! it was simply because i lacked initiative to even open my mouth. being different doesn't necessarily mean being difficult. i am afraid of bringing trouble to others. (or so i claim hahahaha) but by disputing other people's opinion or to question their ideas is to a certain extent bringing trouble to them since they have to think more thoroughly about their ideas. but so? is that wrong? they'll hate me for that? (some may... sadly... haha) i dunno...

or maybe it was my low self esteem playing in the shadows... i don't really want others to dislike me probably...

and so i question myself. do i really lack leadership qualities just like the way those people who "labeled "me had said? i admit i'm more of an introvert... but not by nature. this i am very clear. though a really long deal of shit i would say... i became an introvert. i want this to change. i want to be able to talk to others and not feel tiring. i wish i can be a little more open about my thoughts to people i'm not so close to. of course there's the issue of trust again, i don't want to really dive into that right now... but yeaps. ultimately i still wish to change for the better.

but even if someone is an extrovert or he/she opens her thoughts to public, it doesn't necessarily mean he/she has leadership qualities isn't it? and there's the other idea of taking charge. personally i don't really like to take charge since i'm someone who hates being bossed around. so i assume others don't like to have authority pressing down on them... but maybe this perception of mine needs change. a leader doesn't have to keep chasing down his/her subordinates' neck. a leader need not rule with an iron hand either. taking charge can mean establish contact with those under him/her, just to let them know u're the man/woman out there. (lolx notice how i keep saying him/her... i'm a feminist k!)

and this kind of initiative, i used to have that. but ever since some things that happened i learnt to hide that part of me too. why choose to bury it? haha... i remember i used to get praises from my sec school teacher for my overwhelming enthusiasm to help teachers set up ohps n stuff... (all the tiny gritty stuff)... and now i understand why they praised me and hoped i'll continue to have such initiative... society needs this kind of people. but i had let them down... why did i choose to let this part of me die when things happen? i feel i have just backtracked another aspect of me...

all in all, i feel like i've been walking in the wrong direction all these while. when people discouraged me with their actions of not recognising me (well it's not their fault anyways) or even appreciating the effort and things i did for them, i choose to let the good aspects of me die out and i became opposite of the "better person" i actually was! wth was i thinking man! it just takes a wrong turn at a point in my thinking and all the good aspects of me went into the grave. ok enough. it's time to stop thinking and put my thoughts into action...

i remember wad 赵老师 used to tell me... 不要怕吃亏。 well of course the 吃亏 dun refer to let guys eat ur toufu (omg wth am i thinking man) but rather... dun be so calculative on the gains and losses... when others come to u for help, just help. sometimes don't be so calculative about taking the extra effort when others would probably take them for granted... oh well... now i guess i better understand what she was trying to say...

all i can say at this point in time is... i still don't know if i have the courage to follow this above statement now...

well, i'm not exactly someone without any leadership qualities at all... to look on the brighter side hees! i'm someone who's self reflective... a little too self reflective sometimes? (like wad yc implies... i might get lost while exploring within myself... hey i'm someone with no sense of direction mahs!! haha kiddings~) so yeaps, while i have to be harsh on myself and have high expectations of myself to propel myself forward, i shall always remember that i'm not totally that bad off... no matter how jialat things are, there will always be some redeeming point somewhere out there waiting to be discovered...

so yups, ok lah (though a little bit reluctant) THANKEW MH. you opened a few doors for me to explore more within myself... and i learnt a lil more myself today... thanks for offering one of the really few unique courses we ever took in uni man... but this brings me to have a desire to ask MH several questions... this include... why did MH choose to carry out his course this way? was it so that he could fulfill the marketing strategy our school tries to sell its courses to the potential uni students? and also why did he choose to leave his previous job and come to teach students instead? is the pay offered to him by the uni much much higher? hees~

alrighty. enough about hrm. blehs.

today was the first time in a few days i actually got to spend a little more time with you... i'm really happy for that =)) although i'm greedy (haha aren't all humans greedy? =Pp) but i understand how u're suffering now, so i wouldn't make my selfish requests... abit paiseh to bother u n ur family at such a short notice... but it was inevitable since i decided i wanted to be selfish... =X i hope ur mum didn't think i was some spoilt brat just go ur house to 骗吃骗喝！haha~

i'm glad u went to see doctor again today... cos the med u took today made u seem much better. well i shall try to curb my desires until u fully recover... ^^ haha erms... is this ****?

i'm really tired today after all the hrm mess... the moment i reached home i actually had the "crazy" idea that i wanted to start doing work immediately after i bathed... like doing some fyp research, or hrm research for fri's meeting, or even my database systems tutorial... eeks. but since it's 11.36pm now (oh i typed too long a blog entry haha) i guess i shall tuck myself in bed with my psp n my dear pooh... ^^

pls... get well soon. *prays hard*

i don't like the feeling of being helpless towards the pain and suffering you have to deal with alone... =((

and... hrm sux! rawrs!

想到了就气。

请你不要拿过去与现在做比较！

thanks for the pleasant surprise!
jialats the poison has sunk too deep...
我觉得很幸福~ ^^

it's been some time since i last blogged. been really busy tying the loose ends of my holiday job... now i'm officially free from all the work hassle (not forgetting all the heated arguments and happening events every now and then... ha!) it had been a really enriching experience for me.. considering i was posted to the accounts department and i had no prior accounts knowledge... and i look at how people interact with each other in the office, to a certain extent slowly opening myself up to chit chat with the people i met there.

my colleagues... or i should say now... ex-colleagues... are really nice bunch of people. despite me not having a really good impression initially when i first started work (i thought they were pretty cold people... i had to eat lunch alone the first few days~) but oh well, slowly i became independent bahs. i started bringing lunch to company... din mind eating alone le... but that besides the point.

i had certain issues with my boss too... cos although she's a really nice lady, sometimes the information she disseminate to me was not sufficient for me to carry out my task correctly. this resulted in me going in circles, doing things wrongly n stuff... but still i learnt (the hard way probably?) how to calculate worker's payroll... how to use excel formulas... it was interesting in its own way i suppose... cos i'm ultimately a maths student who's really passionate about numbers, which fundamentally is the interest of accountants too. so yups... i had fun "programming" my excel spreadsheets to calculate workers monthly pay based on attendance input, instead of how the accountants used to calculate the daily worker's pay based on memory. i hope my work would help them save time and effort =))

but of course if i had more time, i would have implemented a system much more complicated than a mere spreadsheet. i mean, we not only have to calculate worker's pay, we should have some sort of a more flexible system that allows one to add in new workers information (besides hard programming it into each excel spreadsheet)... and there should be some way to print out each worker's pay slip.... right now the company doesn't have a detailed pay slip for workers yet, so if i had more time, i might decide to implement a database structure yet... haha~ *shrugs*

am i a little too ambitious? hees~

after you mentioned the possible "obstacle" when school reopens...i did start to feel a little afraid. afraid that i might be too greedy and yearn for your attention when i know i'm not supposed when school reopened. will we be able to stick and pull through together? will my feelings last? what about yours?

but i suppose... there's no point for me to bother about these issues right now... i could only face and tackle them as it comes... so little time it seems... and i'm greedy to want to have more time... which is impossible haha...

thx for your time and attention... i really feel loved =))

it's my mum's bdae today... i sincerely wish her happy bdae! i hope she enjoys herself at the lunch buffet today =)) despite my dad and sis away from home overseas... i hope she still enjoys me and my brother's company... ^^

sometimes i wonder whether there's a way for me to drastically increase my EQ... according to a certain individual, the fastest way is to keep socializing and keep exposing urself to all kinds of social situations... which would be painful for me cos socializing is a pretty tiring task for me... but i suppose no pain, no gain... and now the question will be... how will i attempt to expose myself to more of these social circumstances...

thanks for everything today!
u're right, you can't be by my side 24hrs a day.
i really should seize this time to learn to be independent.
i understand the pain u're going through.
despite how i kinda hate myself for turning you down the other time...
maybe i really did have the foresight.
afterall those who start to claim they've recovered from emotional wounds usually haven't fully healed yet, the next moment a simple incident could just blow away ur recovery efforts.
(speaking from past experience haha!)
the only thing i can do for you is to let you sort out your thoughts
to stay by your side and show up beside you when you need me.
i'm sorry for the selfish thoughts and actions i have today...
pls forgive me ^^

i kinda hate myself for being selfish. today my HR manager bought me food just before he came back to office 1hr before i knocked off, hoping i would stay behind and do OT for his sake (especially when my other colleague took leave all of a sudden when payday is just around the corner) so many work issues to settle, and instead of agreeing to do OT, i refused. i wanted to meet up with my friend for dinner and i was... ahems. having a little bit of constipation with the erms... unwanted material stuck up my a** which simply refused to get out of my system despite my attempts to develop my humble and sincere feelings with the toilet bowl. so i just said i can't make it for OT today... and the HR manager replied... aiyah must be going to par tor... so i just kept quiet =X
ok lah he's right there...i suppose... ha!
oh well, i just have to work harder and chiong faster at work tml... eeks!

and i sincerely pray i wouldn't have to do OT tml... oh pls pls pls pls pls pls pls pls pls psp psp psp psp psp psp psp psp psp psp... opps! lmao~ yah if i can i would love to have more time to spend with my 裴勇俊 and darling psp... ^^













and one last thing. thanks to kelvin for reminding me this...

+ ~ What to do? ~ +
> Have you lost your way? <
= When that happens... =
~* We each have to take a good look at our hearts... *~
+ ~ There's always something forgotten. ~ +
** Remember it. **
-=- Whatever it is... -=-
~ it must certainly be what you are looking for... ~
i promise...
whistle~ and i'll come running...













it's time to fulfil my forgotten promise(s)... =))

and thanks for reminding me something so precious in my heart that i have long forgotten in this 3 years... ^^

这世界有太多会消失的美丽
但你是你 so i believe
thanks for giving me the courage to believe ^^



i'm sorry for being stuck in the rut...
i shall not let my fears rule my thoughts and actions.
i shall be more mindful of how you feel.
i shall try to have more positive energy... haha!

despite all the negativity i emitted, you still stayed by my side and reassured me.
thanks so much. i don't know how else to show my appreciation.

i guess this poison is pretty lethal... ouch.
but........ i wouldn't be defeated so easily... lol!



to my dear brother... so sorry! i overwrote your one and only save file on the psp... 20hrs of playtime gone... hontou ni gomen!

and since u're asleep now... it's time for me to continue hogging my darling psp... hees!

yet another sleepless night... haha!

*tries very hard to avoid the unavoidable saturday morning trip to the doctor...*

as i delve deeper and deeper into the work i'm currently involved in, i start to realize how vast the effects of certain events and actions have on the entire company and its workers. i realize how important efficiency (and not just paperwork) is, which is something hard to achieve. sometimes it really doesn't pay to be nice, take the company policy of paying advances for example. the workers would like to go up to the accounts department and complain of short payment from the company, when the company was just taking back the advances they paid the workers earlier to help them tide over the month. and i thought being irresponsible at work or just taking leave as and when i like wouldn't affect the company much. but the company is now in trouble because of many workers who are so irresponsible and they can't have enough manpower to carry out the tasks they promised others to do. and initially i thought my coworkers were cold and unfeeling. but actually they feel for their workers alot. and i really do mean alot. reading all those faxes of daily reports from the workers made me realize how much hardship the workers go through while everyday i just sit in my air con office and complain how tiring it is for me to look and process all the huge chunks of data or to make photocopies the entire day. i suppose it's really time for me to learn to be 知足...
11:33am
although we can't tell how things will be like in the future,
i'm glad you're the one that i **** ** **** ****.
i want to thank you so much for all the things you did
from lending me your jacket during movies,
to just you appearing in my life.
i'm not perfect, i have so many flaws.
i fear you might stop liking me someday cos of my flaws,
i fear that we might drift apart slowly...
but the things you do reassure me,
that my fears were just me thinking too much.
i thank you.
i **** you (i think)
i M u... haha~ ^^
what's 知足?
to be content with the current state of things?
to learn to appreciate and push down your greedy desires?
i think that's something that's really hard to achieve for a lot of us. ^^
looking at those workers who try all ways to get more money from the company...
how different am i from them in terms of our greed? lol~
i really should appreciate what i have in life now =))

so... i'm sorry for making you feel even a lil pressurized.
what will the future hold?
if i were to slowly let you go...
will you come back to my side?
or would you be like a kite,
once i let go of the string holding it...
it'll disappear into the endless sky?
i'm afraid of being overly greedy.
i'm afraid of not wanting to let go
(even if i might have to at the very end)
so maybe i should give myself this test...
and see if this is really... destiny or just mere coincidence. ^^

i'm tired from a day of work... but... hey hey~ my dear cutie is waiting for me! 裴勇俊 is just so so so charsmatic! ok lah i mean in the show "the legend"... i really like the soundtrack (irony: the OST costs as much as the dvd set... lmao)... and i like the graphic effects... and of course i *heart* 裴勇俊! opps the other day my mum was just commenting abt him being a 师奶杀手... *implying i'm as auntie as them lars*... i insist! i'm just drawn by charsmatic men k?

and then... there's my darling psp waiting for me... omg i'm so damn busy man... where got time to rest properly? hees!

maybe it's time for things to cool down.

did i go too far?
was i too greedy?

maybe i should really learn to curb and control myself~

did i go overboard?
but u started first. =X












maybe sometimes it's really 祸从口出...
i wish i wasn't on msn for you to catch me.
wish there was some way for me to squirm out of my situation.

或许，每个人都必须经历痛苦才能前进。

was rereading my old diary.
the diary full of painful memories.
maybe it was to test how well i have healed.
in the end tears were swimming in my eyes but i didn't cry.
good work qy!
the next time i reread this no tears will even form! ^^
jiayou qy!













i remembered how people hurt me because of their own agenda.
i can't blame them for doing the things they do.
i was too kind to them.
despite all the things they did to hurt me,
i didn't even want to hurt them in the least bit.
was i too naive?
so naive that in the end the one so deeply hurt was me alone?

am i still that naive?
so naive that ultimately i'll be the one deeply hurt again?

feelings do fade away with time.
i promised myself i'll love only you for eternity.
but you did all those things that hurt and shattered my heart.
i'm stupid if i continued loving you.
but i lingered for 3 years.
all because of that promise i made?
i wanted to keep to that promise so badly.
but i had to learn there's no such thing as eternity.
the only eternity was the past.

you were kind and nice to me.
you had been sweet to me.
i did make some really nice memories with you.
(though the painful memories left behind was probably much more than the pretty ones)
i know i loved you.
i don't know whether you had loved me back.
it didn't matter.
it doesn't matter.

i want to leave behind the sorrow you left in its wake.
i want to leave behind the pain you left to move on.
i want to break free of the chains i bound myself with.
i want to let go.













to a kind soul, thanks for the big plaster you gave me. ^^ although plasters could only stop wounds from bleeding and can't stop wounds from hurting, i was really touched. ^^

and now it's up to me to stop my scars from hurting.

加油！i can stop your wounds from bleeding but i can't stop them from hurting. but it'll eventually stop hurting with time. till then... hang in there. ^^










jiayou qy!

thanks...

whenever i did something, u'll return twice of what i did...
how can i return that kindness of urs?
deep down my heart really wants to forgive u, but my past fear of being hurt again pulls me back...

i want to be able to give without being afraid again, just like before i ever got hurt.
i want to return your kindness twice of yours, but in the end u'll return even twice of what i gave.
are u trying to make me dig my entire heart out in return?
你对我的好，已经超出我能承受的100倍...

i wanna thank you for giving me the courage. the courage to face my fear. the courage to smile. and the courage to... ... ... ...

i really want to shout this out to the world,
but i guess i shouldn't...













maybe i'm afraid of what the world would judge of our actions.
why should i?
just let the tongues wag behind my back?

it doesn't really matter isn't it.
it doesn't matter if the whole world misunderstands me...
if you were one who understands me...













i really want to thank god (or whoever up there) for letting me meet you. ^^

thanks for giving me courage. ^^

today is probably not my day...

my left leg hurts.
right ankle hurts.
tummy hurts.

i guess i need a big plaster too... haha~

原来心里的伤口没完全复合。
原来你是因为这样才希望我能彻底原谅。
我本来以为原谅与彻底原谅没差，
没想到你比我还明白。

被伤透的心能不能够继续爱我。
被伤透的心能不能够有勇气再去爱人呢？
一直质问自己的，或许不单单是你。

我终于明白为什么当初没买胶布给你。
因为害怕付出太多
害怕再次受到伤害
害怕自己自作多情
事隔这么久心里的疤痕却依然还在。
伤疤能随着时间消失吗？
我的勇气又跑到哪里呢？

信任是多么的脆弱
一瞬间就可以消失
想建立却那么困难



我害怕让你对我失去信任
我害怕将来会无意伤害你
我害怕与你靠得太近 发现我有那么多缺点
我害怕你慢慢讨厌我 到时不能守在你身边

我的害怕你都听得到吗？

或许你也在担心同样的事~



work was so damn stressful today... i ended up standing in front of the photocopying machine for like almost the entire afternoon... feeling really tired right now... i should rest early tonight but... =X dun really feel like doing so.........



如果是这样，这就是我的答案。。。

除非你背叛我对你的信任，
不然我应该不会失去对你的信任。
人与人之间伤害彼此是正常的，
所以就算是伤害我也会接受。
一个人的优点与缺点都由个人批判，
你所谓的缺点可能在我眼里是优点。
请你要对自己有信心，
相信会有人真心喜欢自己的全部。

这些话我也该跟自己说吧！哈哈！

喂，喂，不要怕~
你是好娃娃~
个屁啦！^^


别再害怕。
不要让害怕主宰自己。
我真正想要的是什么呢？
不要让自己的害怕来决定答案。



我。。。
想成为你的灯塔
想成为你的避风港
这样会不会很不要脸？哈哈
我想带给你更多笑容
想治好你破碎的心灵
这不是告白！这只是身为好朋友的关心！
不准偷笑！=X


庆瑜 加油！
你也要加油！

请不要害怕看不见的未来。
不要再次因为害怕而退缩。
要学习如何鼓起勇气面对！
加油，我做得到！加油！！！



thanks for your company the entire day.
you chased away my best friend on my behalf.
was that your way of saying thanks to me? haha~
but at the rate things go, my gratitude towards you would only keep piling up...
if there is god, i thank you...
thank you for bringing you into my life. ^^





i kept sneezing the entire day in the office... could this be a sign that i'm falling sick again? >.< but then again i guess i'm pretty influential... my colleague sitting opposite to me started sneezing at the end of the day... lol! *so evil of me~~*

now all i want now is probably a well deserved rest... free of worries n troubling thoughts...












to zs...
i shouldn't run away from issues should i? i shouldn't be wishy washy either... but i guess i probably don't have the courage to face it... to hurt you in the process... i don't know how to tell you how i truly feel. i didn't expect things to turn out this way... but if i keep things hanging there it'll only make you feel more hurt in the long run isn't it. should i tell you the truth? how much of the truth should i even tell you? just thinking about all these makes my brain hurt...

and i wonder if u already realize that there's something wrong with me and how i treat you now... =X













maybe i shouldn't have gotten too close to anybody in the first place.
perhaps going too close would result in one hurting another.
although being hurt and getting hurt is part of life...
but i really have no intention of hurting anybody...

if i hurt anyone,
i'm sorry.

pls dun pry into my heart.
i don't want you to have a totally changed opinion of me.
i know u're concerned about me.
but now is probably not the right time for me to tell you.
all i can say is...
sorry.
and thanks kt for giving me strength too.
jiayou qing yu ^^

hi my best friend...

why do you keep coming back to company me when nobody else is around?
i don't need your company.
i don't need your pity.
i don't need anybody's pity.

are you something that i have to learn how to conquer someday?
didn't i conquer you back then 2 years ago?

i can try to chase you away.
i can fill the entire room with music and games.
but in the end,
you simply refuse to budge from the depths of my heart.

is there some sort of antidote or some sort of poison
so that i can get rid of u once and for all?
sadly even if the antidote or poison was taken,
the very next moment i stop taking it
u come back alive and kicking,
and even stronger than before.

i hate you.
but i can't help but to live together with you.
is this hatred mutual?
does it even matter?

let us be nice and friendly to each other.
pls try not to overwhelm me
not only late into the night,
but at this very moment too.

为什么人的一生必须经历痛苦呢？
难道就没有办法避免伤痛？
再怎么想尽办法加以呵护，
最终还是无法避免。。。

痛苦是为了使自己变得更坚强。
雨后会出现彩虹。
所以请你继续加油！
不要放弃！
我会在你背后默默的支持你。














such nice weather out there... makes me feel like going for a nice sun tan or a swim... ahhhh!

i'm surprised i never posted these lyrics... it's my favourite song since jc1... it's now my sms ringtone... ^^












Eternal Snow
Changin' My Life

君を好きになって　どれくらい経つのかナ？
気持ち　膨らんでゆくばかりで
君は　この思い気付いているのかナ？
一度も言葉には　してないけど

雪のように　ただ静かに
降り積もり　つづけてゆく

Hold me tight　こんな思いなら
誰かを好きになる気持ち
知りたく　なかったよ
I love you　涙止まらない
こんなんじゃ　君のこと
知らずにいれば　良かったよ

君をいつまで　思っているのかナ？
ため息が窓ガラス　曇らせた

揺れる心　灯すキャンドルで
今　溶かして　ゆけないかナ？

Hold me tight　折れるほど強く
木枯らし　吹雪に出会っても
寒くないようにと
I miss you　君を思うたび
編みかけの　このマフラー
今夜も一人　抱きしめるよ

永遠に降る雪があるなら
君へと続くこの思い　隠せるのかナ？

Hold me tight　こんな思いなら
誰かを好きになる気持ち
知りたく　なかったよ
I love you　胸に込み上げる
冬空に叫びたい
今すぐ君に　会いたいよ













is it ok to be so happy? sometimes i wonder if god (if he exists) will take away my feeling of happiness if he sense i'm so happy... it's not like something really good happened to me... but i dunno... feels like some sort of roller coaster ride haha~

people are greedy by nature. i'm afraid i'll become greedy after all the "good" things that happened... i want to immerse myself in all these wonderful things... but can i really do that? what will be ahead in the near future? i'm scared that i'll become greedy, and then all these great things that happened so far would just disappear... haha am i just being ridiculous?

back to what i said before... no matter what happens, just face it bah.
people need a certain level of pain before they can create art pieces of certain substance.
so yes, if pain is coming i welcome you with open arms.
but for now, let me just enjoy happiness.

yet another start of a new day.
start of yet another day that i must go through alone.

don't run away from it anymore.
jiayou qy!

i feel pretty guilty for having the thought of prematurely quitting work.
no matter how tough things are, hang in there!
even if it's unbearable... it's for the sake of money yah?
jiayous.

i hate it when the night falls...
i hate myself for faltering.
i hate it when my body isn't feeling well...
なかないで。ねえ~
i wish i'm stronger...
i will be stronger.
i am stronger.

it doesn't matter anymore right?

hang in there... u'll make it.

jiayou qy...

i hate it when i feel unwell... stupid stomachache...

but to look on the brighter side of life...

darling psp! here i come!!! ^^

muahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

i finally got my psp! woohoo~~

now the only problem is... what nice games are there for me to play... hehes!













思考完毕。
加油庆瑜！

不见了。
飞走了。
悬挂在半空的心像断了线的风筝
消失在无边无际的天空里。。。





这样也好。
这样我就不会了解心痛是什么。
也不会想要封闭自己、或有自杀念头。
我撑得住吗？





只能说。。。命运爱作弄人。
虽然回忆还是美的，
最终还是得回到原点。
不是我不明白，
我想我比任何人都明白吧。
所以只能嘲笑自己的天真。

只能祈求
以前的事情不会再发生。
千万不要让三年前的事再发生。
我还有多少个三年？
请不要再封闭自己。
请学习如何放手。
请不要再逃避。
请不要寻死。

别再伤害自己。
不要过于自责。
谁都没有错！
请记得当初最美的梦，
不要沉浸在失落当中。
外面的天空还是那么美丽。
大雨过后还是会出现彩虹。
直到那时，请继续好好活下去。













我的心情就像收音机现在所播的歌一样。

不痛。

就让我带着我的骄傲高飞远走。

加油 何庆瑜！

it feels so empty.
it's like i'm talking to people now... but why does it still feel empty inside?
all meaningless talk... though it's not like i don't like those that's talking to me now...
but still...


多希望能把心挖出来。
这样就不会有任何感觉。
有时会问自己，干吗要做这种事？
我的尊严在哪里？
可是回过头来，
我究竟放得下吗？
舍得放下吗？
或许我需要多一点时间好好想一想
最重要的或许不只是别人的快乐。
或许我也得维持自己活着的尊严。



had another tiring day at work... i never thought people could be so unfriendly when it deals with their livelihood... heard people quarreling over their overdue pay... though i understand the procedure accounts side have to undergo before they can release payment to the workers, but sometimes the workers really need the money desperately...

i know all these, but i'm still stunned at the way people argue to get their way...

maybe i just need to harden myself more and be tougher to this kind of hostility bahs.

我不要再做便利贴女孩。
我要为自己而活。
我要抓住自己的每一份每一秒，
抓住自己的快乐。
（只要它不是建立在被人的痛苦上）
但痛苦，却是无所不在，生活中难免的。
每天都有人伤害他人，受到伤害。
我也该学习如何放开对自己的约束吗？













过去的我实在太没有尊严了。
昨天与好友谈过后我才恍然大悟。
何必抓着过去不放？
人家明明拼命把我甩开，
我却跪在地上紧抓着他的裤脚，
不肯放手。
我的尊严跑到哪？

不要再做便利贴女孩了，
要懂得为自己而活。
人家不断伤害自己，
难道就一声不吭继续让人家伤害吗？

过去的伤害就不提了。
现在就不要再让他人伤害自己的心。













我最想要的东西又是什么呢？
我希望大家都能快乐幸福，自己也能一样。
但这些小心愿往往都是相冲的。
此时，他人的幸福比自己的重要吗？
为什么要牺牲自己的幸福成全别人？

有些时候要往更广的方面去想。
有时自私会让更多人受伤害。
所以我会选择别人幸福。
至少这样只有自己难受。

可是不！我知道这样是不对的。
为什么要让自己受委屈？

我也不知道。
或许就是因为我就是我。
或许有一天我能改变自己的想法，
解开自己对自己的约束。。。













我希望大家都会快乐。
这也包括你在内。
我们大家都要加油！
好好想清楚如何守护对我们最重要的东西。
不必在乎他人的想法。
everybody is for themselves.
长久下去没有人会记得当初谁对谁错。
最重要的还是对得起自己吧。
还有自己的快乐要自己争取。
好好想想什么才是最重要的吧。
不论未来怎么样，
大家最终都会尊重彼此的选择。

加油加油加油！

just when i thought i had cleared the mess in my head, another was on the way.

i knew i had to face it sooner or later probably. but maybe i just didn't want to face it today after all the big decisions i decided to make.

i don't know if i should reject you straight in the face. if things didn't happen i wouldn't... but right now, i'm afraid if i didn't reject you, i'll probably be making use of you. but listening to you talk about things so enthusiastically, i didn't want to dampen your spirits. afterall, we haven't been able to talk like that for half a year.

why is life so damn complicated?













冷静冷静。

after bathing, the result is clear.
still the same.
sit back and observe.

jiayou qing yu.

我的快乐
歌手：锦绣二重唱

爱了坏了走了 错了哭了痛了
累了倦了哭了 烦的乱的冷的 都是真的

疯的想的念的 不安的焦虑的
浮躁的梦过的 拥有的失去的 怎么忘呢

你坐过的沙发困了 你爱的音乐停了
我等着你等成了摆设

我的你的他的 好的坏的难的
灰的蓝的黄的 酸的苦的甜的 都还记得

非常想要忘的 绝对不能忘的
我想要还你的 真得不想要了 只得封了

环岛的火车 载着我第几天了
忽然发现这一刻我不想你了

我的快乐 会回来的
只要清楚曾爱得那么深刻 不追问值不值得
我的快乐 会回来的
离开不是谁给了谁的选择
（离开不是你给了我的选择）














haha disclaimer : this song is not a reflection of my feelings ^^

i want to sing! and 锦绣二重唱 is like so damn zai!!!! TTnTT i wanna sing as well as they do! haha ^^

i couldn't sleep well last night. maybe there was just too many thoughts swimming in my subconscious that i couldn't rest properly bahh...












每个人都有追求幸福的权力吧。看到我身旁的好友终于交到男友，真是替她们感到高兴。^^看他们都那么努力，我衷心地祈求她们幸福。

那我呢？我的幸福在哪里呢？

或许，幸福根本就不属于我。^^

但我却还想抓住这个幸福的感觉，就算是痛苦也无所谓。













我不想成为别人的困扰，也不希望他们担心。
答应过你们的事，我会尽力去做。
我不会哭，因为我答应过你们我会快乐。
就算痛苦我也会用笑脸去迎接。
我衷心地祝福你们得到自己的幸福。
并祈求上天能让我守护他们的幸福。

我现在的心非常平静。
我明白有些事该划清界限。
之前一直分不清，所带给你的困扰我非常抱歉。
（虽然我知道你不希望我说对不起）
我想制造美丽的回忆，不想带给彼此痛苦。
所以我会慢慢调试我的心，不要为难你。
希望我们都能找到属于我们的幸福！
加油 何庆瑜！你也要加油喔！













不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有。
don't think so much, just live for the moment bah.
(opps that's like so anticlimax and off... haha!)

i never thought i'll have to face it again.
i thought i had already conquered it.
never did i know it was already back,
slowly eating into the depths of my heart.













there are so many things i wanna pen down... but somehow i'm speechless wordless at the moment.

i hate it when i'm alone with my thoughts. they tend to wander and become irritatingly pessimistic when i'm trying to keep myself afloat... should i give up? should i cling onto some hope? these thoughts shouldn't exist in me now... or so i hoped. yet when i was left alone for an hour or so these thoughts just invaded my conscious... and i hate it. didn't i promise not to give up so easily? could i choose not to give up so easily in my current circumstances?

i was so happy moments ago. i was happy with my new possessions... 2 pairs of shoes (finally!) and like 20 manga books... all to help me kill time and stop me from thinking too much. in the end? haha sometimes it feels like mockery.

pls dun give up. 加油 何庆瑜！













work starting in about an hour's time... wish me luck! ^^

感觉。。。好遥远。

明明将会是两个不同世界的人，
却想设法让两个世界有相碰。
或许根本就不该强求？
就让彼此越飘越远。。。













i guess i'm just being troubled by the immense possibilities our future might have for us... be it happiness or sorrow. the future is something so... unpredictable. it's like a path ahead that's shrouded in darkness...

i can pretend to be optimistic... i can promise that we'll meet after everything's over. but i may not keep my promise. deep down that cynical and negative thought that we're fundamentally 2 totally different people still exists despite how much i try to hide... there's nothing wrong with being different, it's more like we exist in totally different worlds... why bother so hard to try to come together then? i feel i shouldn't be selfish to try bend u to enter my world isn't it...

i suppose the coward in me just refuses to go...

i dunno how to feel right now... am i happy? or sad? i shouldn't be expecting anything right? will we still keep in contact after all this? will we exist in each other's future? should i even be hopeful about that?

maybe i shouldn't. expectations give rise to disappointment when hopes are dashed. but i suppose we're all humans, with a certain weakness in our hearts *oh well i suppose i do have a lot of weakness in my heart haha* if possible, i would like to cling onto even a glimmer of hope i suppose. it feels stupid imo atm... =X













there are just so many things that i want to learn. like how to be better at presentations, how to manage my time properly, how to control my emotions better, how to mask my feelings better, how to be a better host to others, how to open myself up more, how to handle fatigue and so much more. but i wonder if i'm just being too greedy to want to know all these skills...

i wish i could be someone better at handling responsibilities too... and i wish i could smile more instead of trapping myself in the depths of my mind. can i really do that? do i have the strength in my character to achieve that?

to a certain extent i wish i could be more tolerant too. and to be someone that doesn't bring trouble to others.

too many things, too little time to learn. i feel like i've already been left behind by the rest who had not shut themselves up like i did for 2-3 years or so... would i be able to catch up with them?













haha enough emo-ing for the night le bah... =X

我从头到尾都不能、也不可以有所期待。
所以只能时时刻刻地提醒自己要懂得知足。













no expectations = no disappointment. actually i don't even know wad's wrong with me... it's not like i'm expecting anything but yet i'd still feel... not good... when it happens. i wonder what this means... haha!

learn to take things in ur stride bah qy...

am currently very tired due to overnight ktv yesterday plus school n pain ball session n company dinner... at the company dinner we agreed unanimously that the most important skills at workplace was people and communication skills... and i think after my 6 months here in shanghai, i have yet to know them yet! jialats how??? lol. i wonder if there's someway for me to learn it proper... =X

presentation tomorrow! but too tired now to do anything... just feel like stoning and rotting... and opening up my bottle of alcohol in my fridge right now...

thankies dear... u never fail to make me laugh ^^

but i wonder... if i was able to make you laugh with my emails! i hope i do... =))

i miss u gals loads...

如果有一天你遇到困难，而我不在你身旁支持你鼓励你，
我不是故意的。

那或许只是流星的本性，无法一直待在你身旁，
因为它总是来无踪去无影。













hangzhou trip was fun! but it left me thinking a lot cos of what edwin said to me on our train trip back...

now that i have some time alone, it's time to think deep about what i want to be. and who i want to be. the me before all the shit happened, or the me right now. or maybe somewhere in between...

to go back to the me before meant recognizing the fact that there are still people that can be trusted in the world... there's nothing wrong with that, it just meant i was really unlucky to have met those whom i placed my trust in the wrong hands for so many times. can people really be trusted? afterall, everybody's for themselves... who knows when they'll turn around and backstab others when an advantage is placed in front of their eyes if they did that... if there's nothing wrong trusting others, then why did all those things happen in the first place? does it then mean i was too gullible to believe in others, to let myself be made use of by others? then in that case, wouldn't it be easier if i stick to the me now, to stop believing in others and stand alone, and not to seek help from others?

but no, being the current me is painful too. there are definitely people worth trusting i hope... but it's so hard to let go of your fears and suspicion isn't it... fear that you made the wrong "judgment" on the person whom you thought you could trust. fear of being backstabbed by those you love and care about... if i were to open myself up now and get involved in this kind of incidents again, i can't tell whether i'll still be able to stand up and face the world for the rest of my life... ok maybe that sounds really dramatic, but i guess i might not be able to handle it on my own anymore...

i stopped crying... but i didn't realize i did collapse (despite how i tried to act normal and stuff) after all the things that piled up in my heart for so many years... i didn't realize this until that talk with edwin n co... i tot i was pretty ok handling those matters myself, by shutting myself from the rest of the world... in the end it was more like self hurt... i think i might have mentioned this before... while i condemn those who cut and hurt themselves physically as a form of release and escape when they meet with difficulties, i myself constantly hurt and injure my heart and soul... first by denying myself of the right to seek happiness... so i stopped eating the food i loved like ice cream n stuff... i stopped laughing and smiling... sounds lame right? and then i shun away from the company of people i loved... hurting both them and myself in the process... i know all these but still i went on despite the fact how i didn't want to hurt anybody at all... so in the end i was probably more hurt than anyone... haha i dun think anybody would believe that bah!

i know i'm too gullible... too soft-hearted too naive... that's y i shut myself from the world and refused to listen to what the external world has to tell me... it goes against my nature... goes against my fear of loneliness... so by shutting myself away i "conquered" my fear of being alone... and i avoided my fear of being hurt by others. but this is all wrong isn't it? it seems more like just running away from the crux of the problem...

which idiot would expose their own weaknesses for others to exploit? me. so i'm at fault for letting others know my weakness so they can exploit isn't it. this goes back to the idea of opening up or shutting myself in... maybe i'm not a person who can keep a lot of secrets about myself, except those really dark secrets bah! so i would blurt out my own weaknesses... i don't know... if this is a good or bad point about myself...

haha it's an irony... edwin asked me so who is it that i love right now? i replied, the person i love most is myself, cos this is my way of protecting myself. but then again, do i really love myself? i can't accept myself for who i am currently or in the past. i can only see all my bad points and right now i suppress my so called "good" points. this makes me someone with absolutely no plus points, but only bad points. i keep thinking... if this is the case, since i have so many bad points and no good points, others wouldn't think of coming to take advantage of me, cos they can't stand being around me bah! but then again this is self inflicted pain on my part... cos i'm not the real me?

haha then what is the true me?

after going one big round... we're back at square one.

i can't say i can trust people easily now... there's still a certain level of mistrust within me, but once i get the impression that i can trust that person, i'll give that person almost 100% of trust. which is probably stupid, since impressions might not be accurate according to past experience. crux of problem lies with judging how much to open to others bah... i feel that since i came to shanghai, i smiled more and opened myself a little bit more... but only to those i met here at gip... i still can't throw away that mistrust i have towards those i already know... on one hand, it's like... why should i throw away that feeling of mistrust since it's already there and it can protect myself from possible hurt? on the other hand i'm like trying to convince myself... it's ok, although they might hurt you in the future, it's going to be alright. but the fear of getting hurt steps in and i get stuck in the former mindset.

i so wanted to just disappear quietly after the entire gip trip... haha. but sadly, there are those people who i managed to let them step into my life i suppose... should i leave them after i go back? haha... back to square one... back to all those shitty decisions i made before. painful decisions har? lol~ no... i'm telling myself no, i shouldn't do that... but what for? we're only close at this point in time cos we're all alone in a distant land away from home... once we go back we'll be back in our lives before we came to shanghai... back to lives without each other isn't it. i shouldn't be selfish as to disturb their lives isn't it... haha~

that's such a selfish thought. relationships take 2 hands to clap. if you abandon the friend when he/she didn't do so, the other party would be hurt... and it's like you never asked for their opinion on this issue... it's so one-sided. and i hate one-sided r/s isn't it. shouldn't u stay by the friend unless they choose to abandon first or something? at least you tried to keep the friendship alive...

but then again... what for? why try so hard? sometimes things might be meant to be so... and while u try hard to keep the friendship, the other party might just want to terminate the friendship contract (in elton's words haha)... or the other party simply stays in the friendship hoping that he/she can gain something out of it... like asking for academic favours n stuff...

aha. mistrust coming out again le hor... tsk tsk tsk...

i do want to trust people again, i really do! but it's really hard to throw away your past isn't it...

and this is the kind of stuff that can't be resolved by just crying it out.

everybody is for themselves.

yeah... thanks for reminding me... ^^

yups. there's nothing to fear but fear itself.

jiayou qing yu.

i tried to go back to the cheerful and more helpful me.
i guess this just makes others more suspicious of my "motives".
if i were them i'll probably do that too.
so maybe it's better to stay cold and frozen in my own world.

joanne's going back to sg tomorrow (more accurately, it's today since it's past midnight)... a little envious of her though i could tell she doesn't really want to go back so early... i wonder if we'll remember each other after gip... but... like wad elton says, friendship's over after gip... although i dun want to think of it this way... but then again...

it's really strange. somehow there's this nudging feeling that i don't want to stay close to some of the people i know that i'm pretty close to at the moment, as though i wish the friendship contract would expire the moment gip ends...

nonononono! i dun wan things to go this way... one voice in my head tells me that, but then the darker side of me tells me otherwise...












should i shift my blog? haha i've asked myself this question upteenth times le bah! a while ago i was like scrutinizing some of my other friends who changed their blog address and i wasn't aware... i was like... why change blog address! to avoid other pple u dun wan to see? funny now i feel like doing this too... maybe i dun like the way others can see my thoughts so clearly bahs...

i think i'm a very simple and easy-to-figure-out person... (though there are people who somehow cannot tell what i'm exactly thinking... leaving me puzzled as to why haha!) so.. maybe it's safer to keep a distance to others bah...

so tireds...







played bball with my schoolmates in school today... saw two of them who played bball like 2 people who were rather important to me in the past. feelings of guilt swept past me as i recall about the things i've been through with them and yet i couldn't and cannot stay close to them now...

one of them... was my ex. strangely, my company mate plays in a style so similar to him that it's so unbelievable... haha~ i revisited my memories of my ex... but it stays there. it has to. no point dwelling over something that's over for so long... but still, a certain wave of sadness kind of overwhelmed me as i watched my companymate play...

the other... was a friend i turned my back on due to stupid reasons... the guy that i knew here in shanghai has the same initial as my friend, they have almost the same build, similar hairstyle, and they play bball in similar fashion! lol~ but then i felt guilty... over the stupid things i did in the past to my friend which made him so hurt... and i wasn't a good friend and i wasn't there for him when he needed me... now that he's out of the shit i left him in, it's practically impossible to go back to the way things were before... not that i'm upset or i really really want to go back to the things that it was previously, it's more like... a pity that things turned out this way...

alright! let's leave our sorrow and sadness here. stop thinking back about things u dun have control over! start thinking about what you can do to salvage/make things better!

hi my best friend. u're back...






it's ok, i was used to it.
i'm alright with the way it is now.
dun worry, things would just go back to the way it was before.

i miss those naive and innocent days.

these days time and events have polluted me so much until things i'd show concern to... i no longer want to or have the power to. like those people whom i was once close to... they've all moved on in their lives, and i didn't or couldn't keep in contact with them, so it makes showing concern a little weird and out of place. and then there were those whom... i can't really come to resolve the conflict within myself... those who hurt me... on purpose or unintentionally... sometimes i want to show concern but then i'll step back and ask myself. why do that? they hurt me last time...

it's really difficult to let go of the past isn't it.














就是因为受过伤，难过了那么久，所以更不想再受伤。
就是因为哭过，擦干泪后，再也不想失去笑容。
而笑容又是什么？不哭了，就是笑容吗？
我还有幸福的权利吗？那你呢？

不想在受到伤害，所以想武装自己。
用眼泪洗过了自己，想要强化软弱的心。
朋友与朋友之间，此时可能对你很好；
下一秒却可能利用你背叛你伤害你。
为了避免这些未知的伤，或许避开比较好。

静止的时间，是否已经开始移动？
曾溶解的心，是否又会再次冻结?

最后，我会忘记回忆，忘记珍惜。
不再懂得坚持，只懂得放弃。









好悲哀的一生。

我试图舍弃这些悲观的念头，但怎么也甩不掉。

生命有一种绝对
五月天

如果我不曾走过这一遍
生命中还有多少苦和甜美
那风中的歌声孤单哽咽的声音是谁
回忆中那个少年为何依然不停的追

想要征服的世界始终都没有改变
那地上无声蒸发我的泪
黑暗中期待光线生命有一种绝对
等待我请等待我
直到约定融化成笑颜

那生命灿烂烟火般上演
你和我最后都要回归地平线
那留下的足迹浪花冲走回忆海岸线
靠近我再拥抱我
请不要让我的心冷却

想要征服的世界始终都没有改变
那地上无声蒸发我的泪
黑暗中期待光线生命有一种绝对
等待我请等待我
直到约定融化成笑颜

想要征服的世界始终都没有改变
那地上无声蒸发我的泪
黑暗中期待光线生命有一种绝对
等待我请等待我
靠近我再拥抱我
不要走请不要走
直到约定融化成笑颜
直到我看见生命的绝对



















生命中的绝对到底是什么呢？我不太明白。或许，永远都无法明白。













朋友遇到先所谓有的难关，我却无法在他身边陪着他，给与他支持。这已经不是第一次，我的内心却依然无法原谅远在他乡的自己。要是我还在的话，就能更直接地给他帮助。现在的我是那么遥远，我到底能为他做些什么呢？

只能保持微笑吧。希望微笑能成为他的支撑，能够给他些许力量度过这个难关。

我要让你知道，有许多人都很关心你，相信你都感受得到。你要好好照顾自己，我无法在你身边确认你是否都有吃三餐，就算不是为了自己，就当作是为了那些关心你的人吧！不要封闭自己的心，我随时都愿意听你诉说你的状况。加油！我希望在我回去时，能看到事情发生前的你。。。














在得到消息前，我还在为自己琐碎的事情而烦恼。现在回想起来，那些事怎能与朋友遇难的事来得困难呢?

我决定了，放手也是一种快乐。有时候，喜欢并不一定要拥有吧。虽然知足的快乐或许会叫我忍受心痛，但这样是最好的办法了吧。以后会怎样，到时候再说吧。或许会以泪水洗面，但这就算是我的赌注吧。
















有个人告诉我，不论是喜欢，或是爱情，都不要轻易放弃。这正是我以前所拥有的精神！但看看结果，或许当时的我不要那么坚持，接下来的日子会过得好多了。现在也如此吧。我已不再想再让心灵受再多的创伤。还是保持沉默好了吧，简简单单地过这一生，也不赖吧。就这样，一声不响地离开这个世界吧。












朋友！我们都要加油！不要败给命运，继续奋斗！这才是我们真正的精神！

yet another day of mayday song lyrics!!!













知足
五月天

怎麼去拥有一道彩虹
怎麼去拥抱一夏天的风
天上的星星笑地上的人
总是不能懂不能知道足够

如果我爱上你的笑容
要怎麼收藏要怎麼拥有
如果你快乐不是为我
会不会放手其实才是拥有

当一阵风吹来风筝飞上天空
为了你而祈祷而祝福而感动
终於你身影 消失在人海尽头
才发现 笑著哭 最痛

那天你和我那个山丘
那样的唱著那一年的歌
那样的回忆那麼足够
足够我天天都品嚐著寂寞

当一阵风吹来风筝飞上天空
为了你而祈祷而祝福 而感动
终於你身影消失在人海尽头
才发现 笑著哭 最痛

如果我爱上你的笑容
要怎麼收藏要怎麼拥有
如果你快乐不是为我
会不会放手其实才是拥有

知足的快乐叫我忍受心痛
知足的快乐叫我忍受心痛

武装
五月天

我 忘了珍惜 忘了回忆
摔坏心爱的玩具
我 学着远离 学着放弃
学着再没有回忆
天空的城 在解体
爱过
所以特别 的伤心

我 忘了珍惜 忘了回忆
摔坏心爱的玩具
我 学着远离 学着放弃
学着再没有回忆
天空的城 在解体
爱过
所以特别 的伤心

最后我开始武装自己
用眼泪 洗过自己
最后我开始武装自己
要强化 软弱的心
最后我开始武装自己
有名字 没有个性
最后我开始武装自己
我活着 用我的逻辑

我 收藏恐惧 爱上恐惧
那就再没有恐惧
谁 要我忍受 给我生命
是谁给了我血液
流出身体 的声音
还你
我不稀罕 的东西

最后我开始武装自己
用眼泪 洗过自己
最后我开始武装自己
要强化 软弱的心
最后我开始武装自己
有名字 没有个性
最后我开始武装自己
我活着 杀出我命运

最后我开始武装自己

mayday! mayday!! mayday!!!

opps sorry i'm still pretty caught up with my mayday fever... so here's a few songs that keeps going on in repeat mode in my head...













超人
曲：冠佑/阿信 词：阿信

世界如果被残酷攻击 只要给我一个电话亭
把内裤当外衣 如果你能够开心 展开披风 带你飞行

谁赐予我这一身 无助的能力
神也不能阻挡 你想离开的心

为什么拯救地球 是那么容易
为什么束手无策啊 我和你的爱情
为什么我能飞天 也能够遁地
为什么我却没办法 长驱直入 你的心

曾经你赞美我手臂 逛街多能提 日日夜夜贴身保护你
最凶狠的怪兽 也不能与我为敌 那为何害怕你的泪滴

你给了我这一幕 难堪的结局
谁要这样超人 连自己也救不起

为什么拯救地球 是那么容易
为什么束手无策啊 我和你的爱情
为什么拯救地球 终于完美结局
为什么 我只能够 眼看着爱燃烧成 灰烬

世界如果被残酷攻击 谁来接手我的超能力













i keep coming face to face with problems i've seemed to solve, but nevertheless it is still inherent and silently bothering me... it has already been over for such a long time, yet i'm still pretty bothered by it... i never really knew where went wrong... could it be that the fault never truly lie with me? but i could never come to that conclusion within myself. i keep thinking i had some part to do with the outcome of events, and probably as a result, i could never let go of it fully.

the feeling of helplessness... of how i had totally no control over the events that happened between you and me... i could do any other things fine, just this. i'm no superman (or superwoman), i can't save the world, and i don't know if i have even the power to make a minute change in the world.... but i did believe there were things i could do... like helping those people around me, to try and bring happiness to those around me... until that happened, leaving my confidence totally shattered. i turned myself into a hermit... all for what? all for how i couldn't stop the flow of events...

and even now... things still didn't really change. no matter how hard i try, i guess i just couldn't do anything about this issue. someone thought he wasn't serious as i was, and totally couldn't be bothered with me now. was i wrong? was it something that i did? or was i too irritating? i don't know... yet others tell me i'm alright. the feeling of helplessness just kept rising as i continuously tried to suppress it...

why dwell on things that i have no control over? it's just a small event in life, in another 10 years or so i would probably be happily living in a world that has totally no connection with the things that happened. i've already wasted 3-5 years on this entire damn thing... why can't i just let go of it totally and never let it come back to bother me again?













i want myself back.

sometimes... i wonder... wad does it mean to be sociable? does it mean always hanging out with your clique, going for all activities organized by the clique? or does it mean screaming out ur existence with loads of funny comments, disturbing pple and stuff like that?

i suppose i never managed to learn one thing -- how to trust others. well, not to say i trust myself in the first place either! haha~ or maybe the more accurate way of putting it is... how to trust others on issues i should place my trust on. i'm so damn gullible, believing all the little comments others claim... and yet i can't seem to trust how others would value my voice, my opinion, or even my existence. i dun trust how others might enjoy my presence... i don't trust how i can bring joy to others around me...

no one can expect the entire world to like themselves. me neither... but if u don't like me, i can tell u frankly... i don't like myself either.

















change. that is something i desire... probably... but perhaps some things are so inherent within me that i don't know how to change for the better... sometimes i thought i had changed, but after one big round around the bush, i'm back to square one. hahaha. i feel so damn stupid.













on a more cheerful tone... i attended my first live concert! though it was a really stressful experience for me probably... i waited for my friends at the wrong mrt station, and the china mobile network seriously sux... i couldn't make any calls to my friends then... so originally i was 1 hour early, i ended up meeting with my friends 45 mins late... and we were almost late for the concert itself! rawrs~ i'm so sorry to those who went to the mayday concert together with me... but i had a great time then! thankews guys ^^

feeling really tired.... but there are so many things waiting for me to do... like to bake chocolate cake in a half chocked toilet... ok opps that doesn't sound good on a clean blog like mine right? haha... reports waiting for me... haiz. too much stuff, too little time~~~

time to develop feelings with my trusty toilet bowl!!!




ps. this is my 501th post!

孤单 是一个人的狂欢
狂欢 是一群人的孤单












i thought i had conquered it for a long time... never did i expect to come face to face with it again. face to face with my best friend again. what irony...

i really enjoy the company i get here... it's really fun cam-whoring during outings, going out to shop, buy groceries n stuff... it's great to have people whom i can relate to and understand pretty well... and to be crazy with... like doing all those crazy singing screaming jumping and dancing in ktvs... but...

i'm afraid of getting too attached to others... i'm afraid of becoming scared of being lonely again... once i have gotten so used to others around me, when i get back to my previous lifestyle of solitude (probably) i wouldn't be able to stand or tolerate the loneliness left behind...

i wonder what made me know how feeling lonely is like again...

and i wonder... if others feel the same way as i do...

i suppose, there are just some things that does not change with distance. perhaps i'm just being naive like i always do... or even childish (even a kid called me "a kid" today... omg~ haha) but i suppose, no matter where you are, what you do, your family is always behind you, "secretly" supporting you...

i accidentally stumbled across a pretty old blog post... i was feeling really down, and reading that post made my tears roll down my cheeks... i'm really glad i can make you feel this way... and i didn't know i could do this... ^^ haha funny i think about that post my tears will accumulate in my eyes... really thanks =)) i very touched =))













alcohol really doesn't help one feel better... ok maybe during the moment when u're high from the spirits, but after that, u're back stuck in that fix u left previously, or u might feel even worse (from the hangover maybe? haha) strangely, i found myself having the desire to drown whatever that was bothering me with alcoholic drinks that wouldn't make me drunk... bailey's is sitting in front of me without milk... i'm like dying to open up that bottle to just drink straight from it... and probably die from alcohol overdose or something... hahahahaha

this is just another vicious cycle that only makes one feel worse... especially in your pockets.

sometimes i wonder... why do i feel the way i do? sometimes in afterthought, i wonder why i had done certain things at that point in time... i felt stupid doing them, knowing that there's no point probably in doing them...

am i just being over-sensitive?

i was a little happy some time back when i received an email from someone i didn't expect. not that it was the kinds of email i exchange with my really close friends to catch up on each other, it's just some forwarded email. but, i was still happy. it showed that that person remembered me. though later it turned out to be some sort of spam mail, it still kinda made my day. weird har? even now i don't understand why i felt this way. and i replied to that mail (stupidly)... but i suppose i wouldn't get a reply haha... we're probably just acquaintances, and thus it'll be weird if either one of us reply to each other anyway hahaha~ now i just laugh at how stupid i was... lol~

and maybe i'm really too mimosa as how one of my housemates usually puts it... i got quite... put off when someone whom i've kinda "argued" with... sorta "suan" me with a mail i forwarded which turned out to be a spam mail... i dunno whether i'm just being oversensitive or not, i hope i am... but it still didn't feel good, cos i tot that person was someone who knew me pretty well... or maybe distance does change a lot of things... i don't know anything anymore...

ok below is just some of my inner thoughts... it doesn't mean that i'm suffering here in shanghai... of course everyone will have their own problems with their life wherever they are, but when pple back in singapore ask me how am i, of course i'll reply, i'm doing great! wad else can i say? complain how i'm unused to life here in shanghai? i wouldn't want others to worry about me, but it seems like everybody is under the impression that i'm in shanghai to play, enjoy life and not to work at all. i repeat, everybody has their own problems, just whether they want to emphasize it to others or not. but i do admit, i have my share of play too... and enjoying life... but it's too sweeping a statement to just say i'm here only for that...

haha this brings to mind what another one of my housemates posed to me as a question today... so, do you suppress your true self to others usually? i wonder... haha.

i suppose so... lol.

wad's really bothering me is, why am i suppressing myself in front of someone whom i consider a pretty close friend?














i guess i just had a really tough day today...

i might be going to the mayday concert live in shanghai at the end of april!!! kinda excited cos it's my first live concert if i'm going for it... but then again, i'm a little poor... and i wanna buy a nikey jacket! jialats... that's like 2/3 of my pay gone already if i'm going to spend on these things, and there's still my shopping trip this coming friday, a visit to peach blossom garden which costs approximately 100rmb this sunday... arrgh! why dun i have some rich boyfriend in shanghai??!!! o.O

haha i suppose this is just a sign of lack of sleep =)) good nite, world...