ok i haven't updated in a really long while, and below is going to be a really long entry... u have been warned ^^












first things first! woohoo i'm 21!!! well, actually i didn't really like birthdays for a number of reasons: 1. sometimes it's quite troublesome, 2. it's better not to keep expectations high, 3. i wouldn't expect others to sit down and spend time on me just because it's my birthday.... to me birthdays are : 1. just another plain ordinary day, nothing special about it, and 2. a painful day that reminds me that i'm here on this cruel world for another year. but i'm glad i changed my mind on my 21st birthday. ^^





for my past... 5 birthdays? i've been hoping that a certain someone would at least message me happy birthday. first two years he did, but i was expecting more from him then since we see each other more frequently. then as we drifted even more and more apart, the message came even later and didn't come to me as nicely as i hoped it would be. then in the last 2 years, they stopped coming altogether. that was one of the reasons why i hated my birthdays too -- it seemed like no one really cared. not that i would care then, that's what i told myself too.

this year i decided to stop waiting.

and yes, i'm much happier and better off without waiting for something that would never arrive.

that half hearted kindness, i think i've finally snapped out of it. ^^





i'm really glad and blessed to have my family and friends around me... ahh first let me talk about my presents haha!

1. pansy and sheila got me a makeup set! XD after making them spend so much money on that, the night when i went home i saw another makeup set from my mother on my study desk! talk about having surprises... so right now i've got 2 makeup sets... i don't know whether to laugh or not... thanks! it felt really warm in me when i saw that pleasant surprise! but seriously lah, next time i should coordinate better hahahahahahahaha~

2. thanks shian chi yin yin nicodemus and weixiang! they got me kinokuniya vouchers which are like... omg to me... cos i'm a manga lover and those vouchers... ahems. sorry guys i've already spent half of them on a manga set which i shall elaborate later ^^

3. thanks to my ntu clique! pey lun, wen lin, bolin, zhi chao, edwin, kee sing, nicholas, yeeling and da jie! although i can't say i'm that close to them, i'm quite... surprised that they'll spend the time with me to hang out at ktv... i was kinda... not expecting them to do that haha... and yeaps, i really appreciate the company =) thanks for the ktv, the card, the necklace and earrings!

ok that doesn't sound like a lot of presents, but i'm a rather easy going person, wasn't even expecting any presents from people other than my family hahahaha~ so yeaps, i will treasure them... and during the entire week, with all the people wishing me happy birthday, it really made me feel blessed and very 幸福... ok lah just take it that i'm crazy bah...













now... onto some of the pictures which i got...

first is my dinner with pansy on sheila... i haven't gotten the picture of me and pansy yet, so here's the picture of me together with sheila...


it's been a long time since we met up! so glad we have our yearly birthday celebrations together! hope we can meet up again in dec before i leave for china...



and here's my outing with shian chi weixiang n nico... let the pictures do the talking =)


that's me with shian chi! XD


and seriously, who mugs in a restaurant like our mugger weixiang? oO


erms... muggers... unite?


eeks why are u taking such a weird shot of me?


that's me n my birthday cake! and i'm 21! ^^


me with nico!


i wish for world peace! yeah right~


ok i'm really making my wish now... ^^


cut cake time! XD


that's me with shian chi again! we took like 3 pictures of the 2 of us smiling... until we can't smile anymore... haha!


that's shian chi and weixiang! looking chio n shuai!

and after weixiang left... we had havoc at the supermarket in the basement... they were selling loads of halloween stuff... so we thought it wouldn't hurt if we had some fun... XD



dun try anything funny with spiderman and alien!



u know what? actually shian chi is a student from hogwarts! dun tell anyone else! shhh~



and tadah! using magic 3 packets of chips appeared magically! *though i wish the weight we gain from these chips can disappear magically too...*



shian chi running for the quidditch club!



and suddenly... eeks! where did this freak come out from?!



never fear! for qing yu is coming to the rescue! yay!














ahh that took a darn long time for me to upload these photos... =( darn blogger giving me problems... so halfway i changed to my multiply site... there are more photos which i didn't upload here, so u guys can visit my photo album which is quite dusty by now cos i don't really like taking photos hahahahaha~













really... word of thanks to...

1. my family... thanks for taking care of me so far... my mum sis n brother for being so sweet to me on my birthday itself... although my dad wasn't around, it didn't feel as lonely as i anticipated... so yeap thanks =)

2. pansy n sheila for making my day that saturday! with the wonderful dinner and makeup set! thanks for the company and time!

3. shian chi yin yin weixiang and nico! especially shian chi! thanks for organising the dinner on my behalf... i was quite lazy hahaha~ and thanks guys for the wonderful gift again!

4. my ntu clique... after reading the comments on the card u guys gave me, plus spending time with me... i really wanna thank u guys for that. yeaps...

5. all those people that msged me happy birthday on that day itself! i counted.. hehex... 15 sms, 2 msn bdae greetings, erms... 5 facebook messages wishing me happy birthday... really, thanks for remembering! *bows*













and now... wad have i been doing the past week besides celebrating and wasting my entire week away... actually i found a new/old anime from my all-time-favourite mangaka... arina takemura... the title of that work is kamikaze kaitou jeanne... i like all arina takemura's works... she has this strange ability of touching my heart with the issues she discusses with her works... guess that's the power of her story telling =)

i'm so drawn to the story and characters that i actually finished the entire anime series of 44 episodes in 3 days. that's freaking short time considering how busy i'm supposed to be. oh well i'm busy watching anime then. =(

story centers on this girl called kusakabe maron... she's a strong girl but lonely, since she's all left alone in japan while her parents are working overseas. on the surface she just looks like any normal 16 year old girl whose passionate about rhythmic gynmastics, but in actual fact, she's the mysterious thief jeanne who strikes no matter how many traps the police sets up for her. as i read on, i realise how similar i am to maron... maybe that's why i'm so drawn to this story. she can't trust others too due to her past as well, and the story is of her on her journey of self-discovery, and of people dealing with loneliness, issue of trust and betrayal. of course there's romance in it, but let's not dwell too deep into this...

i like kamikaze kaitou jeanne a lot because.... 1. the story is damn good. 2. the character drawing is damn good. 3. the anime presents issues at a pace well enough to bring out the ideas. and.... after reading this work, i totally idolise arina takemura! from now onwards i will only use her drawings as my wallpaper on my laptop! woohoo!

from this manga *oh yes, this is the series i spent half my vouchers from kinokuniya on... yays!* i'm starting to think... whether it's alright for me to lower my barrier and try to trust others a little more again.













my birthday wishes: *i'm a really greedy person haha!*

1. to become a better person
2. to remain true to myself
3. for those whom i love to be happy
4. for me to be able to step out from the shadows of the past
5. to be able to get the scholarship to go overseas with all expenses paid for XD
6. for my results to be pulled up significantly
7. and most importantly, for me to be happy.

i shall not let go of my own happiness again. ^^













強気も本気
無敵　素敵
元気　勇気



チンユー、頑張ってね！

整夜辗转难眠。心里总是感到不安。

我为什么要帮你们呢？干吗要做你们的帮凶？第一，这根本就不是件好事。第二，事情也没难道一定需要帮凶；这样对其他的人一点也不公平。那为什么我还要帮你们？那时候就应该说不。

就算你们真的需要帮忙，我可以在那之前帮你们，在那当儿时，就应该个凭实力。

如果你们因为这样而不再理我，那也随便你们。我认为最重要的是对得起自己的良心，就算是尚不能有良心当饭吃，至少我对得起自己。这比交到朋友来的重要吧。

况且，我也很想靠自己的实力来得到认可，所以如果你们要犯错，请不要也让我犯错。请不要再叫我做这种事情了。













虽然我知道你是出自一片好意，但请你也不要再叫我做我不愿意做的事了。有些时候给你念到真的好烦。

eeks.

my stomach feels terrible. =S hope i'll get well soon...

feeling super blessed today...

thanks pansy and sheila dears for the great dinner tonight! and my mum and sis for the wonderful surprises! haha too tired to talk more about them, but... yeaps... really grateful... ^^

nites world...

i can't take it anymore... *vomits blood*

3 tutorials per day is really too far a goal for me... i'll die before i attain such a goal...













wasted half a day yesterday slacking with randy... long time we had such a long talk... disturbing each other haha... guess he's the only guy friend i dare to wreck havoc with... talked about a lot of things... like our individual problems... he oso 破财... like me in may... but he only lost 600 cos he had a car accident and banged into this other guy's bumper... problem was... the lousy bumper cost 600 to replace. that was like crazy lah. oh well... hope he isn't too bothered by it now... 600 can earn back fast... at the good thing is no one is hurt... that's the most important... as what i told myself to make me feel better back then... 就当作是破财消灾吧！

then we talked about relationships... he keeps asking me when i'm going to get a boyfriend. who are u ah. my dad ah? so worried abt whether i can get married off or not lmao~ but it's true bah... dun dare to get too close to guys le after all the things that happened... good thing he attached, else i dun think i'm able to tell him all this kind of things like i do now... really thanks for ur concern... but i dun think i wanna get attached now anyway... got so many other things to worry about... like money n studies... who wants to spend their effort and time on something so unstable like love? end up losing all ur time n effort and get urself hurt. no point sia.

but the whole talk made me think about a lot of things... like things that happened in the past... like how that time when we were back in acjc first 3 months... i remembered this all of a sudden and it surprised him! during valentine's day and i didn't know he had a girlfriend then... he bought this bouquet of flowers... and i saw him carrying it. then dunno y he suddenly tries to protect himself and said... this bouquet of flowers is not for u... for my mum. harlow i wasn't even thinking it was for me lah. and when u said this comment it became more suspicious lor. and who buys a bouquet for mothers on valentine's day? even if so fillial buy one stalk good liao... so rich to buy a bouquet somemore... dots.

and of course on the other more... unhappy stuff... like the big event that happened to me before and after a lvls... how he tried to console me when i was at rock bottom... and he said that everything has nothing to do with me... and that the other party was a... ok i quote him haha... a jerk. well the funny thing is... i was feeling quite peaceful after the entire incident... but when he said that and the more i think about it... i feel more 不值 for myself. thinking why i'm so stupid. and that the other party really is a jerk. haha. aiyoh how can i say such a thing abt the "other party". cannot cannot cannot. haiz. the never ending argument in myself...

and that's when the first signs of me falling sick started appearing... i had blocked and runny nose the entire afternoon... kept sneezing... at first i tot who kept thinking of me *aha... bhb!* then the runny nose lasted too long to be just a prank someone tries to play on me haha... so yeaps, i think i'm sick now... not the very sick until want to die kind, but on the verge of falling sick bah.

one good thing about yesterday was that i managed to talk to randy and crap with him the entire afternoon, and i was able to complete 2.5 tutorials after that... before i totally cmi and went home from macs at 10pm... had a good chat with pansy and pey lun as well... that made me quite happy cos the day felt well-spent.

and the funny thing is... my tuition kids do disturb me online! yesterday bobby asked me to watch 2 youtube videos on ms swan from MADtv... make me laugh and cannot go to sleep because in my mind the stupid ms swan kept appearing and talking in her hardly audible voice... and her weird logic LOL... and mark! he actually is on facebook! hahahaha u are so so dead man... i'll bombard u with all the facebook applications invitations hahahahahaha~ but i'm really glad that we're so friendly like friends... ^^ really enjoy crapping with them strangely haha... at least i dun have to worry about whether what i'm doing will make others get the wrong idea blah blah blah...













now all i want is some private time off tutorials and thinking back into the past... to rest up before i really fall sick and vomit blood. after that nap... it's time for ee3003 to DIE!!! DIE U STUPID INTEGRATED ELECTRONICS!!! RAWRRR!!! *attempts to rip apart notes*

ok that's an exaggeration.

不想听不想看不想说。

只是突然感到厌烦，或许过了这个期间就不会这么想了吧。

can i scream?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~~~~~~

just my thoughts on presentations...

1. it's better to focus on content and method of delivery rather than on looks... better wear a pair of comfortable shoes... like lower heels... rather than to tremble while presenting...

2. better time management so that you can prepare your speech and slides better... it sux when u're given an assignment with so little time to the deadline, but time can be made for it... and if others can do it, why not you?

3. content wise... people are suckers for examples it seems... and come up with good ones... not boring ones...

4. try to predict audience response... i failed today at trying to get responses from the audience it seems... a few kind souls tried to help me out... my team mates insisted my presentation wasn't that bad... but i can tell that the audience wasn't as interested as i would like them to be... maybe it was my dry topic? hmmms... if only i had more time to think about my presentation and think of ways to make people interested in what i have to say... remember, people are not obliged to listen... they are there physically, who knows where their soul is... so giving examples is good... varying pitch and tone helps too...

5. self confidence... it is very important to believe in your own abilities... that you can present well and u're confident of your material... even if u're not... well, i wasn't today... was deeply affected by my previous speaker who kept speaking like a bullet train... her speech made me feel nervous though initially i was not... made me feel like i'm a lousy presenter when i compare myself to her... haiz i'm still not good enough not to let others affect me... =(












haiz. it seems i have loads of room for improvement on the presentation skills department.

wow... i realise i've been blogging almost everyday these few weeks... should i say that's good news?

in another few more hours, weijie would be flying off to start his architecture course... i might be flying to shanghai at the start of 2008 for my industrial attatchment... pansy and yuchun flying to china at around september 2008 for the rest of their course which would take around 2 years... all of a sudden i feel like i'm drifting away from so many people! there are others who had already left for their own... futures? like jonathan and jinyi and zhidong... but still... as more and more of us drift to different parts of the world... i wonder... will we be able to stay in contact? can we still stay as close as before?

i highly doubt that... but i don't wanna drift apart from my treasured friends... like pansy... i can't imagine if there's no one for me to disturb and go on sudden shopping trips just around our house... or our weekly weekend dinners... lol~ just saying this makes me sound weak, but i'm not afraid to show it... and she might not be coming back to singapore at the end of her course! so many uncertainties... makes me wanna treasure our time together as much as possible now...

but i have my reservations about... "friends". maybe those who are close to me can already tell... i can't quite trust people easily... so it's hard for acquintances to cross the border for me to really treat and accept them as friends... as in good friends bah... people whom i'm willing to try to help as much as i can... the kind of 生死之交... i suppose it's good to be cautious... but sometimes it really kinda hinders me from really interacting with people i suppose... and i really wonder whether i'm just being over sensitive... can i start to trust "friends" a little bit more? or am i just being plain stupid to even try make myself even susceptible to possible hurt and betrayal in the future?

that's why... i must treasure those whom i consider as good friends even more... one way to look at this is that... it's so hard for two people to come together and be able to understand and stay with each other for so long... and to be able to click! so we should treasure this kind of "缘分" so to say... i admit in the past i was so afraid of losing one of my best friends that i threw away that relationship on my own and left her alone wondering what actually happened... now that i think about it... it's plain stupid. haha i was such a weakling then...














12:33am now.. so tired with such deep eye bags that pansy and i called ourselves the pandas... haha~ should i go sleep now? or chiong my presentation slides? =S

omg. i think i've gone crazy.

i dreamt that my teddy bear was talking to me!













and my back is really killing me... =(

若有一天，我失去了一切，唯一能留下的东西，我希望会是音乐。

早晨醒来时的闹钟声，刷牙的节奏，收音机穿出来的美妙音符。。。我时时刻刻都活在音乐的世界里。

简直无法想象失聪的世界会是如何。所以。。。贝多芬竟然能在失聪的时候写出一首首动听的乐曲，简直就是一项壮举。。。

而我的音乐。。。我希望有一天我有能够再次站在舞台上，与大家分享。不论是与乐队，或是独自一个人表演，我都想要让大家感受到音乐的美妙。。。













ahhhh! my sister just doodled on my lecture notes! nonononononnonononono!!!

夠愛
作詞： A Chord 作曲： 東城衛 脩
編曲： 東城衛 演唱： A Chord & 東城衛

我穿梭金星 木星 水星 火星 土星 追尋
追尋你 時間滴答滴答滴答答滴身影

指頭還殘留 你為我 擦的指甲油
沒想走 你好像說過 你和我 會不會有以後
世界一直一直變 地球不停的轉動
在你的時空 我從未退縮懦弱
當我靠在你耳朵 只想輕輕對你說
我的溫柔 只想讓你都擁有

我的愛只能夠 讓你一個 人獨自擁有
我的靈和魂魄 不停守候 在你心門口
我的傷和眼淚 化為烏有 為你而流
隱藏在無邊無際 小小宇宙 愛你的我

你聽見了嗎 我為你唱的這首歌
是為了要證明 我為了你 存在的意義

世界一直一直變 地球不停的轉動
在你的時空 我從未退縮懦弱
當我靠在你耳朵 只想輕輕對你說
我的溫柔 只想讓你都擁有

我的愛只能夠 讓你一個 人獨自擁有
我的靈和魂魄 不停守候 在你心門口
我的傷和眼淚 化為烏有 為你而流
隱藏在無邊無際 小小宇宙 愛你的我

愛你的我 不能停止脈搏 為了愛你奮鬥 就請你讓我 說出口

愛只能夠 讓你一個 人獨自擁有
我的靈和魂魄 不停守候 在你心門口
我的傷和眼淚 化為烏有 為你而流
隱藏在無邊無際 小小宇宙 愛你的我 愛你的我

我穿梭金星 木星 水星 火星 土星 追尋
追尋你 時間滴答滴答滴答答滴身影













i realise i'm starting to like chinese rock a lot... influence from the tv show i'm watching now, 終極一家 and great bands like 五月天... ok maybe it's just that i found a new genre of music to enjoy listening to... i like japanese rock too from a long time ago...

i wanna learn how to play the electric guitar! and to sing with a band! \(TTmTT)/ haiz. my far away dream...

i can't help but to feel like an idiot these days.

maybe mark's right... i'm just too softhearted?













i ought to look at things from alternate perspectives... getting stuck in your own opinion and viewpoint can kill and lead one to making uninformed decisions. i made the decision last time... so i must and will stick to it. and i will not let you affect my life again. not worth it anyway. rawr.

time to start bucking up and catching up on my tutorials, presentations, assignments and japanese...

突然有个念头。

我好想离开这里。离开这个充满回忆的地方。离开这个让我感到疲惫的地方。离开这个似乎不适合我的世界。不想留在这个整天彼此伤害对方的世界里。这算是我的逃避心理吗？还是这只是我胡思乱想罢了？

生命里明明有这么多美好的事情，但却因为莫名的压力，让我们的双眼蒙蔽。当初美丽的太阳，花草树木，我已经无法像以前一样逍遥的欣赏。考试，作业，永远忙不完的事情接二连三地堆。说实在的，我真的累了。我知道这是我选择的道路，会比其他人来的辛苦。可是现在的我正在犹豫。。。这条路。。。真的是选对了吗？

但或许，选择权并不在我手里。

我不想再受伤害了。
但似乎，我又常常故意让自己受伤。
就算没这回事，每次胡思乱想，心里就会感到不舒服。
难道我有自虐倾向？








明天的测验该怎么办？嗨。

why did i dream of you again this morning?...

dreamt of you drawing pictures of snowflakes for your new love... i tried to talk to you but you ignored me. so i ignored you despite how you reluctantly tried to apologise to me later.

but in afterthought... what right did i have to do this to you? in my dream i looked so childish.

and why must i dream of you this morning.













conclusion: i'm still as baka as ever lmao.

i can't help but to feel stupid. or maybe i'm stupid. rawr.
i purposely put myself in position for others to hurt me.
baka. you never learn from your mistakes.













currently procrastinating on my lab report. i have absolutely no idea what to include and what not to include in the lab report... which figures to scan in from my lab manual, which ones to leave out. argh. can i ask someone else to do my lab report for me instead? lol~

i feel whiny today =(

the gip interview yesterday turned out fine... and much better than i thought.... perhaps lol! i ended up chatting with the professors... despite being left totally in shock after the first question they asked me... which is "what is GIP in chinese"? i stunned and actually replied... i have never heard of such a thing! i think i must have sounded super dumb in front of my profs in retrospect... well... hope i will get the chance to go china... and then i can try to apply for the scholarship...

actually quite excited by the idea of living alone in a foreign country for 6 months... i wanna learn to be more independent ^^ like how to handle my own laundry, cooking... *i hope the food i cook will be edible haha~*

and my professors actually told me off because i felt i didn't have much chance when applying for the exchange... they say my gpa is way above average when in my opinion i think it's not that good... ok i think pple will slap me for that statement above, but that's how i really feel haha~ so yeaps they said the locals strangely have very low confidence... which is very true at least in my case haha~ afraid of being out shined by the foreign students, being too humble until it brings the negative effect of having low self-esteem... we seal off our opportunities which are actually available for us to grasp... after hearing them say this i sort of got encouraged by what they said... and gained a little more confidence in my abilities lol~

and the good luck continued today... and really... i guess it's really all in the mind. i was very weary and dreaded doing homework... but yesterday for the first time i sat down at home and read my lecture notes... and i did 2 tutorials today.... a slight sense of achievement though the 2 tutorials themselves took like... 2+ hrs to complete *excluding time to revise notes* i'm surprised i can sit still and even finish 1 tutorial in a go haha~

and the prof. comm. lessons which i dread so much? the tutor still looks as stern as ever... and i totally panicked when i realised i totally forgot that i have that tutorial today and i forgot to bring the textbook.... thanks shian for lending me her textbook! actually i dun really dare to ask for favors from others... so thanks so much for lending me the textbook without even asking for the reason behind it! it sort of became a morale boost to make me feel less intimidated in the class full of year 4s... and plus! during lunch i met shianchi and yinyin's friends who went on exchange to seattle together... and guess wad? one of them turned out to be my tutorial mate for prof comm! shianchi is my lucky star ^^

i hope everyday can be as cheerful as today...

but for now... let me hit my pillow...

もう誰のために笑顔を無くしたくない。じゃ、元気にしてよ。

tml's my interview for the gip trip to china! omg i'm so nervous =( do i have to wear formal or even wear makeup or something? do i need to memorise all the history of ntu? what kind of questions should i prepare for? argh!

*惊叹* 我是不是变成了腐女？最近都不想出门，只想在家里休息，什么都不想要管。天啊，我好不容易才摆脱了这个称号，现在似乎又回到开学前的状态。。。真的是ohmygod!

最近似乎每天都出门，一天不出门就觉得怪怪的。昨天翘掉整天的课，有一点过意不去。。。不过也因为这样，我终于逼自己做了点作业。或许是这几个星期忙到疯了，想歇息一下，所以这几天都没有心情做任何作业。。。好危险呀。。。我明明功课比别人还繁重，还在这里耍孩子脾气。。。真是无可救药。。。

这阵子我似乎很喜欢用华文来写我的部落格。。。我的华文似乎退步了好多。。。连部落格该怎么写都不知道。。。真是差劲。如果明年到中国实习华文还是这么差。。。真是丢脸。

其实我很想用日文来写部落格，但我的日文实在是。。。cmi。。。说了都觉得惭愧。最近也没空为今年底的考试做准备，真是不应该。。。明明有时间的。。。但是我无法定下心，每天都要看《终极一家》。。。说真的。。。真的非常上瘾。。。超爱里面的人物与演员。。。大東!!!禹哲!!!简直是帅呆了。。。

好啦，我的疯也发到这里就到此为止吧，不然每个人都会知道我私底下是个神经病。。。哎呀，不小心说了出来。。。哈哈。

youtube is the root of all evil.

argh! stop watching youtube! TT m TT

i love you.
but i'm too afraid of being pricked by your thorns so much that i don't dare to stay close to you.













i like doing software programming. it's fun taking a problem apart to solve them in smaller bits, but sometimes debugging them takes millions of years and i simply don't have the time to debug them one by one... especially when you have no idea what exactly went wrong. i struggled between whether to try debug everything in one afternoon or to copy and paste from a past year "sample" program provided by some kinds souls, presumably our seniors lol~ in the end conscience lost LOL how much is conscience worth in this cruel society anyway.

ok i doubt anyone's interested in that technical talk anyway LOL













i love japanese and their culture too. i finally registered for jlpt 3 today and saw lee sensei after like... 4 months? i guess i still like her a lot like last time when she was still my japanese sensei... strangely i can trust her... she's like my mum to me... opps my biological mum dun be upset hor! then we talked a little about the syllabus for jlpt 3... about the summer festival which i couldn't go sadly last sat... haiz. i wish i could have taken japanese lvl 4 under her... but time doesn't allow that. and i have to pull up my grades. haiz i'm in a total dilemna...

so many things i wanna do, so little time. am i just being too ambitious and unrealistic?

i haven't been studying japanese last week... and i'm lagging in tutorials now. what should i do now? drop one of my commitments? like to stop working part time to help ling ling? haiz i'm at a loss...














how about this? i love resting up and napping... but because of my tight schedule... my dark eye bags are starting to show again...














why is it that i love you so much? and yet i can't stay together with the things/people i love?
is it just because i love myself more than anything else?

so near, yet so far.
so far, yet so near?
nah... maybe not.













so near, yet so far.

i'm always trying to observe others whom i really care about... sometimes i can step into their lives to offer them help or just to listen, sometimes i'm just a mere observer, and the other party in question might not even know i'm "spying" him/her... lol~ but wad abt me in the shoes of the "other" party? there'll definitely be people "spying" on me to see how i'm doing i suppose... and one of the methods is to spy this blog. oh no i hate spies... haha jokings lah~













so near, yet so far.

it always happens. u're at the last question of your tutorial, but why must that last part of that last question always leave you stumped and unable to complete the tutorial? the end is so near yet so far... happiness is so bitter yet so sweet...













so near, yet so far.

i'm so near to my notes *in fact they're just underneath my laptop* for me to read up to start my new tutorial due tml... but nothing goes in. still so far away from starting work proper. sighz.














so near, yet so far...

so near the time for me to hit the bed... but still got so many things to complete... rest time seems so so far away from now...













i wan a 1 week holiday now! \(TT m TT)/

sometimes even though u know that u can definitely go on, but you just wanna break down and let loose of all the things pent up in you. today is one of such days when i just wanna pull my hair out and cry and whine abt things lol.

reminds me of the song mark likes to sing.... there was a time~ when people said that singapore wouldn't make it... but we did... there was a time... when troubles seem too much for us to take... but we did...

ok laugh la. wad's with me being patriotic all of a sudden when national day is long past? oh well... even if we have too many troubles, things will eventually turn out fine bah i suppose...

i guess i need to plan my time properly and rest properly too... was feeling giddy yesterday and i wonder if it was cos i skipped dinner the day before when i was at work lmao. so i ate that night's dinner together with yesterday night's dinner and my stomach feels super bloated today LOL. where got pple compensate for a skipped meal like i do seriously... zzz













i wonder sometimes... whether i exhibit half hearted kindness to others. i suppose i do... lol~ but i'm definitely not the only one. perhaps, people are only kind to you when they see benefits to it. i don't know why i'm so negative when it comes to such things... is there some way for me to view it more positively? like i do exhibit half hearted kindness to others... sometimes it's because i feel it's not worth it and things like that. i liked myself better last time when i wouldn't care about anything and help others out just because they needed the help, regardless of whether it was called for or not. where did that me go to? is it lost in the dark world i've started to notice a few years back?

reminds me of what one of my favourite profs said yesterday... we cry the first thing we come to earth, because we've just stepped onto this cruel world... and though it's humourous... i suppose that's quite true... for a while i've got a thought that maybe we're all here as a punishment... lol! if god exists, and so does heaven and angels... maybe we were all angels once, but sent down to earth as punishment for something we've done wrong or something... or am i too bhb to think of ourselves as angels before we came here? lmao~

ok time to go back to lecture recording and start on my tutorial... how can i finish all my tutorials + project + lab reports + presentations on time???? \(TTmTT)/

难道这一切都只是一场误会？想到这可能是场误会，我竟然感觉心里的一块大石仿佛被放了下来。

不论如何，不管这是不是个误会，我都是个笨蛋。

不准哭
歌手：同恩

我把自己反锁在空荡荡的房屋
感谢你让我想个清楚
因为爱你所以我不做你的包袱
我不需要谁温柔安抚
请放心我很快就能恢复
找到一个人陪我漫步

不准哭
我不要装可怜无辜
挡住你的路挡不住你追逐
不准哭
我更应该微笑祝福
祝你找到对的幸福

如果我消失不见
你在乎不在乎
别含含糊糊我很在乎
因为爱你所以我选另外一条路
离开是我的最后让步
请放心我很快就能恢复
找到一个人陪我漫步

不准哭
我不要装可怜无辜
挡住你的路挡不住你追逐
不准哭
我更应该微笑祝福
祝你找到对的幸福

爱情就到这里结束
我们不得不 不得不屈服
只能笑

不准哭
我不要装可怜无辜
挡住你的路 挡不住你追逐
不准哭
我学不会微笑祝福
祝你找到
祝你找到对的幸福













身旁一直以来都有许多许多需要别人关心的人。以前的我。。。算是虚伪的自己吧，把注意力放在他人，是希望别人能注意到自己的烦恼，注意到自己也需要他们的关心。现在回想起这样的自己，总觉得那种虚伪的行为。。。有一点可耻。或许是我对自己太过苛刻了吧。

不准哭。不管是现实的我，或是梦里的我，我们都不准哭。

拼命地让自己忙碌到没有时间胡思乱想。所以现实中的我，不管再怎么辛苦，都不会再次哭泣。但是到了夜深人静进入梦乡时，脆弱的自己一一显露在梦境里。我讨厌那样的自己。梦醒时的我，不管再怎么难过辛苦，都会告诉自己，就算老天要怎样折腾我，我都不要再次失去笑容。为什么梦里的我竟然把这个念头彻底地忘却呢？所以，梦中的我，你也不准哭。

在此，我想感谢在梦里陪伴我的好友。。。是他们在梦中给了我勇气，让我知道我不是独自面对。谢谢你们。。。













那些现在也过的不是很好的好友们：我们大家都不要哭。为了那些可恨，试图想让我们难过的人，他们值得让我们失去笑容吗？一点也不值得。所以我们不要输给他们。我们要证明我们比任何人都坚强。比任何人都要幸福。就算难过，私底下大哭一场后，就要收拾好心情，继续向前方迈进。加油！

我用背叛自己 完成你的期待













as we grow older, we are more and more suspicious of each other. we trample on the weaker ones, fending off the other fellow humans we perceive to be trying to step onto us, all in the name of self-defense. all wrapped up in the heat of our problems, we talk more about our problems, hoping sometimes that others can give us advice. but at the same time, we listen to each other lesser and lesser, we only want to push our ideas to others forcefully. where is all the innocent ones in the past who will wait for each other, give each other a helping hand if they're in need, unquestioning of the "impact" or the "motive" behind that action?

i don't want to grow up...













been studying teaching tuition and just yesterday i just started going back to the cookie shop to help out... woke up this morning feeling extremely drained lol~ now i understand why others who knew about this is worried about me overworking... i can predict that in the near future myself too lol! but oh well, being busy is good, it keeps your mind off things. and u're happy because u've got stuff to do...

and now that i'm back in my house with my own spare time, i've gotta plan how to revise and catch up with my school work, and how to come up with programs with my project =S

project yesterday was fun! we're making a small... hardware component with some instructions programmed into it... to play around with the LEDs on the hardware... it was fun learning to make use of tools to join the different inverters and multiplexers together using the board and wires... hehex~ but we spent our entire lab trying to fix the hardware together... and now i've gotta fret on how to make 5 different codes for the functions to be programmed for that thing... =S how how how? i've got no head no tail at all =S

ok enough ranting... i doubt anyone's interested in this technical talk anyway lol! maybe i should talk less, since pple will be less interested in what others have to say anyway. ^^

Myself
by Changin' My Life

どうしてどうして　好きなんだろう
こんなに　涙　溢れてる

あの頃は　失うものが多すぎて　何も歌えなかった
少し離れた場所　そこが私の　居場所だった

君の瞳の奥に　あの日　さみしさを見つけた
二人似てるのかな？
気付けばいつも　隣にいてくれた

どうしてこんなに　好きなんだろう
君の声　悲しいほど　響いてるヨ
いままで何が　支えだったか
遠く離れて　わかったよ

泣きながら　捜し続けた　迷子の　子供のように
けどそこには　永遠なんて　あるわけなくて

「誰も信じなければ　いいんだよ」　唾やいたね
二人似てたのかな？
あの時君を　守ると決めたのに

どうして思い出に　できないんだろう
遠すぎて　近すぎて　届かないよ
「忘れよう」って　思えば思うほど
君が大きく　なってくよ

どうしてこんなに　好きなんだろう
君の声　悲しいほど　響いてるヨ
いままで何が　支えだったか
遠く離れて　わかったよ

どうして　君を　好きになったんだろう
簡単すぎて答えにならない

原来我一直以来，天天都在学习如何与你说再见。
但我似乎总是学不好，如何让自己开心地看着你离开我的视线。












心里有一股说不出的感觉冒上来。不是悲伤，不是愤怒，也不是痛恨。我自己也不太了解自己的心情。其实我心里已经有了个谱。说是要祝福。。。又似乎有一点假。我真的有这个念头，只是想到要祝福又有一点不甘心。又有一点担心。不过这已经不管我的事了，我也无权过问。本来以为没事，又似乎有事。这种混淆不清的心情，我不喜欢。。。

我曾对自己发过誓：当他离开了，我也不会再有眷恋了。看来这是我该长大的时候了。其实我已经慢慢成长了。变得好变得坏的地方都有，对方也应该变成了个我不大熟悉的人了吧。我希望，大家都不会在受到伤害了。这是不是个幼稚的想法呢？如果是，就当作我还是有一丝丝不像长大的念头吧。

我不要恨。恨是件非常累人的事。说我不想再爱？我自己也不太清楚自己的想法。为什么浪费了我三年的青春？有一点为自己打抱不平。是我当时不够成熟。就当作是个惨痛的教训吧。没有什么值得留恋的吧。

我希望你会快乐。这是我从心底的期望，而我也不会再放弃自己的幸福了。

庆瑜呀庆瑜，长大咯。^^长大后，我希望。。。有人能给我一个安慰的拥抱。因为我最讨厌长大的滋味。

another night of endless drinking.

and now, even though i'm still a little sick... i still don't feel like sleeping. maybe it's the side effects of excess alcohol... i wouldn't feel like sleeping after staying out so late...













孩子是天使。他们都在神的守护下成长。。。但是，有的人却因为看不见神而感到寂寞，进而逐一逐一和神说再见。
有的人为了和其他人共存，即使舍弃自己所守护的乐园亦在所不惜。为的就是希望能够被自己所爱的人钟爱！
越想成为完美的天使，就越觉得这个世界是丑陋的。
干脆就让自己一起受污染吧！
事到如今，我真的怀疑。。。这世上是否真的有神。
不再有人需要我，不再有人了解我。
我已经不是。。。天使了。

~ 《绅士同盟+》 第9话

曾经堕落已久的我，今晚看到那些熟悉的笑脸，对于彼此找到自己的幸福而感到高兴。突然不想再让自己堕落下去了，就算不是天使，或许我有一天会发现自己的背后一直以来都有着一双翅膀，有勇气再次抓紧自己的幸福。。。













my wish list! i realise i really need a proper makeup set desperately! and i need to learn how to put on makeup proper! =X

i couldn't sleep last night.

restless tossing and turning, listening to the churning of my air-con which usually coaxed me to sleep... they sounded like music to me surprisingly for yesterday night only. reading which usually does its hypnotic effect on me failed terribly too. and no it was not because i was angry like the other instance... i just couldn't understand...

and finally i did drift to dreamland. in my dream, i met someone whom i have not seen nor talked to face to face in a really long while. we were taking a group photo, and that's when the two of us came so close to each other's vicinity in such a long while. then after the photo, the two of us chatted with others like really close friends... which made me quite happy because i could tell he's enjoying himself too. at least for that moment...

and no. it had to be a dream. because such good things wouldn't happen in my real life.

maybe the reason for my insomnia was the manga book i read before i tried to get some rest... "the person he hates most is himself", "you are the only person capable of obtaining your own happiness"... and i look at myself in retrospect... all of a sudden i kind of understand the unrest in me. arguing within me that whatever "good" things that happen are just coincidence, at the "mercy of others"... others who made me happy did it out of their kindness... and i'll push that small happiness away for the fear of its cost that might come along with it... isn't it human nature to want to be happy? why should i even push away my most basic need to want to feel happy?













i feel bad for falling sick on the day of sc and jon's bdae party... i hope i wouldn't be too groggy then when i turn up for the party itself... =S happy birthday to you two in advance! ^^

omg.

give me back my previous entry!!! RAWR!

for the first time in my life, i'm so pissed until i can't go to sleep.

ok laugh please.

it was over a really silly matter which i shall not elaborate lest it'll make me sleepless for the rest of the night. let me just repeat this to make me feel more at ease... he's just a 16 year old brat. not worth you getting so angry about his rudeness. and no point messing up your sleep pattern u're trying so hard to restore...

inhale... exhale.

makes me wonder how my sis would probably wanna exchange with me... she's the one in need of sleep but unable to satisfy that desire due to her activities... here i am, too bored with my life and i can't go to sleep over petty matters.

maybe i shall go study jap now... maybe it helps to make me feel sleepy... *when reading manga with loads of chinese words didn't help when it usually does...*

-edit-
after signing off this entry, i surfed the net and went to one of my favourite game sites : jayisgames.com. and.. i saw this slapping game. great for people who just wanna slap someone just like i was. and i feel much much better now seeing all the women fight their petty fights by slapping. anyway, here's the direct link to the game : http://nigoro.jp/game/rosecamellia/rosecamellia.php
the game review on jayisgames.com is at this link : http://jayisgames.com/archives/2007/07/rose_and_camellia.php
have fun slapping! XD

this post should have been on 2 days ago... or rather 1 night ago.

i almost forgot to wish a particular person happy birthday... and i thought i would never forget that. it's funny how people can be so forgetful when they have got things on their mind that's sapping away all their energy. and i thought since i'm so stubborn, no matter how busy i am, i still would not forget.

i guess i was wrong then. perhaps it really is that easy to forget certain things that were once important. maybe it just means i have already let go of things way back in the past.

now since it's 1:03am on my computer clock now... it's officially my mum's birthday... my dad's overseas in china, sister would be staying overnight tml... and well i don't think my brother would care... am i the only one who cares then?

maybe it's the feeling of loneliness overwhelming me... friends come and go... good friends stay with you longer... and i thought family would always be on your side.... maybe not. when we all grow up to go out to venture our own careers... or maybe to start our own families... we'll part. and death may part us too. in the end, one would be alone no matter how much you struggle i suppose... then why even try to chase away that loneliness? we came into this world by ourselves, we leave as lone souls. making friends and getting attached emotionally just means more hurt when it's time to leave this world isn't it... i'm telling myself this, but this other part of me is screaming...

it feels like i'm in my glass chamber again. able to observe the world beyond me... sensing their happiness and pain... but unable to feel their emotions. similarly, no one can hear me banging my fists on those cold transparent walls...













伤。就算我能治好别人的伤，那又有谁能治好我的呢？

突然间有一股不知所措的烦恼一涌而上。忽然，我不再知道自己接下来该怎么做。还是，我根本什么都不必做呢？

some adore sunny days. cloudy days? some hate them. rainy days? i love them just when i'm going to sleep. otherwise, rainy days are a no-no.

gloomy days? i think i like it the best of them all. not too hot, not too chilling, just the right temperature for us to do all sorts of things, like outdoor sports, sleep, slacking at home... only except when i'm going out to suntan...

what about the weather today? gloomy. perfect weather for me to oversleep till 1pm this afternoon. oh well, i was reading harry potter last night, and unwittingly till it was 4am in the morning. i think i'm becoming more and more of a pig.

today's my dad's birthday... had gone shopping with my sis yesterday and bought him durain puffs as a gift... we couldn't thought of anything better haha... but me and my mum baked him a cake that's... hmms... can it be considered to be a success? just a simple dinner celebration with me my mum and dad... sis had co practice all the way till 10pm and my brother, though he has finally decided to come home for dinner at my accusation of him being an ingrate if he didn't. haha... he was up in his room playing dota when my dad cut the "birthday cake". then he announced that he'll be going China in a freaking 2 days time, and it was a decision just finalised today. and he wouldn't be around when it's mum's birthday. luckily i had turned down pey lun's request for help at the graduation dinner... or else i can't expect how pathetic with maybe just my mum celebrating her own birthday...



i feel like i'm just like a kid. happily enjoying the world, thinking that the world is a perfect place. all until someone strikes deep, making one realise the truth and ugliness of the so called perfect world. then everything starts to fall apart. losing interest in the things that once interested you. there's nothing u can do about it, except to accept the cold hard fact that it's not the world u loved once. and sometimes, stubbornness makes that hard to happen.

i no longer know what to do already. is it just ok to continue staring blankly, doing nothing at all?



today sure is a gloomy day. but i don't know if i liked it as much as any typical one.

another late night where everyone else has gone to sleep. all except my lone self, left with my dark thoughts.



sometimes i wonder. when we choose a character to play in a game, does it reflect our true inner self? or just our hopes? i've got a friend who always like to play tanking/knight characters... and i think his character suits the role he always plays... he's the kind who would take on challenges and problems in life head on... and i admire him for that...

me? i always end up playing the cleric. why?... because i can't stand it when everyone else wants to become strong and powerful, forgetting that they need buffs to become stronger and blah blah blah. i guess that's me then. the crowd pleaser. disliking attention and always like to hide away from problems. always relying on others to become stronger "because" it's hard for me to stand on my own two feet. maybe that's the real me in life. or on the other hand, maybe it's just my wish/hope that i can become a healer in life. which is the exact opposite now since i'm the one hurting others, not healing them. how ironic.



just today during my lesson with my tuition kid, mark... somehow we strayed to the topic about how long it takes for one to jump down from xxx storeys high... and, taking g= 10m/s^2... assuming each floor is ard 3m tall, if we jump from the 13th floor it'll take approximately 2s for our whole life to flash by! 100th storey? slightly more than 4s! is our life that short for the whole duration to flash by in a mere 4s? i don't think so right? so we should find a even taller building to jump down next time... yeah right.

but due to that "funny" conversation we had... the "dark" side of me came back... remember how i mentioned i always picture the worse happening to me quite some time ago? it came back straight after the lesson... like how when i was walking to post a letter for my parents... this car came into the car park i was cutting through and i had the image of me being hit by the car and ambulances rushing me to the hospital... >_<>_< but yeap... i felt happy when people ask me this kind of things that makes me think more... though he makes me puke blood when it comes to maths, everything else is quite fun... like his guitar and his lameness..... zzz. i concede defeat when he really makes up his mind to be lame LOL



ok finally the sleep bug has caught onto me... time to rest!

even if i know it deep in my heart, sometimes i'll still have this urge to wish for something impossible. to wish that i'll revert to the old me. the kinder and more caring me. or maybe it's a sign that i've grown up. to be able to tell when and where i should let myself help others. to know when i should cross over my icy walls to care about those around me. i loved and hated my old self. loved my old self for being able to graciously and givingly helping those around me. hated myself for being so gullible and letting others make use of my so called kindness. the current me sort of knows when to remain in my boundary and not letting others enter my inner self... no longer so giving and gracious... i suppose i feel less hurt when people fail to try make use of my this "weakness", but when i want to care more about the people i used to care... somehow it feels a little more distant than in the past...

i think i've mentioned this sensation before... it feels as though u're peeking out to the world with you yourself trapped in this glass box... you can see the ongoings in the world, but the world can't touch you, and neither can you touch and feel what's going on in the world. it feels as though everything is distant to you. you are just a mere observer... with no power over the events in the world... just like part of the audience sitting in the cinema, watching the film unfold its plot in front of you. is this "calmness" supposed to be... a zen-like ideology? or some taoist idea that i had once longed to achieve? it's not like i want to make big major changes in the world to allow others to notice my presence. i'm... frustrated? upset?... with my cold and insensitive self... for being unable to notice the details and emotions of my friends which i once could...





after today's events.... i think i have a new criteria to add to my list of things to look out for a potential bf... he MUST know and have a certain level of understand for chinese. rawrs.

sighz~

my goldfish died... it was the birthday present from my friends on my 18th birthday... can't say i'm very very sad over it... but oh well... despite me knowing the fact it's old and will pass on some time soon... when it really happened there was still some sense of loss... and i must admit... i'm quite bad to it... remember how it always swims upside down for about a year already? just yesterday when it could hardly stay afloat... i was thinking... instead of it suffering while living, why don't we use euthanasia and end it's suffering? like just taking it out of water and so on.... but in the end i couldn't do that... cos somehow deep in me i hoped it'll live a little while longer... and it did... it died just this morning.

well... maybe i could sense it coming... that's y i woke up extra early today... but i guess i was still too late... my mum already disposed of its body. -_- but nevertheless... sighz. i wish i was a better pet owner...

my mum suggests buying another fish to accompany the lone goldfish left after the other goldfish's death... oh well... the feeling's never the same... maybe it was because it was a present from my friends or something... or maybe it's how i hoped it'll continue living after it's companion died a few days after i received them... or maybe it's the feeling i had when i chose its name and i didn't choose any for the other fishes that came to live in that small little tank we had for them... oh well... i don't know anything anymore...

if there's heaven... i hope u'll be going there now... and if u're there already... stop swimming upside down.

been a long time since i last blogged...

recent developments? let's see... after the end of the waste time project aka dip project... had a few days to slack before i was called down by the school for a job i applied... under the work-study scheme... it was quite a good working experience... get to talk to loads of pple... learn to self-control... and i remember that whenever i answer a phone call i should greet "happily" because the person on the other end can hear it in your voice... and i met a new friend! he's my senior taking IC design... and most importantly... he's learning jap for jlpt2 this year!!! wah my goal in another few years time... XD so if i have questions abt japanese i can bombard him... *opps poor him... going to be harassed by me*

a short working experience for me... wished they would allocate more days to me... though i'll probably end up slacking for some of those days...the pay's damn good... *$10 per hour! omg!* and it's something i can do... without feeling useless for most part of the working time... did i mention how i hate feeling useless for whatever work i'm allocated for? so i'm quite happy working for this... except it gets quite tiring everyday after i knock off from work...

some of the things i wanna do... watch movies! i wanna watch the girl who leaped through time plus transformers... why does it seem like the things i like to watch is either animation/some childish thingy? hey everybody has a kid in their heart ok... why am i trying to self-justify my preferences in the first place? rawrs.

have u had the feeling u don't like something, but for the sake of pleasing others u have to tell them otherwise? i'm sick of that feeling of having to please others at the expense of myself... or maybe not at the expense of myself... but when trying to please them i feel upset myself. ah... typical of a libra. so i have to blame my astrology sign. is there some way for me to break this cycle? when will my reflection show who i am inside?

and now... since someone kindly offered to be my boyfriend casually... i thought it'll be fun for me to seriously consider about this whole bgr thingy... as much as i like to be independent... there are times when i'm tired and want a shoulder to lean on... despite me knowing that i have faults and people will pick on me... but here are the lists of things i'll be looking out in a potential boyfriend...


MUST HAVE...
* must have at least 1 aspect that lets me respect/admire him for...
* able to entertain/chat with me

GOOD TO HAVE...
* big eyes XD *just take wu chun for example XD*
* taller than me but not too tall... *shoulder cannot be taller than my head? lol*
* have an interest in music
* knows how to play at least 1 instrument *woodwind section would be good... seems like i have a fetish for pple who knows woodwind instruments lol*
* knows how to sing *and not shatter the glass in the process*
* maybe share similar interest as i do... like he enjoys learning japanese or watching anime or blah blah blah
* enjoys sports
* gentle and caring
* share similar views on issues like love... etc.
* will not cheat on me... *and i will not cheat on him too*

NOT HAVING IT IS OKAY... BUT...
* handsome?
* have loads of $$$ XD


ok the above is the non-exhaustive list... and so those who fulfill the above requirements can submit ur resume to me at xxxxxx@hotmail.com. successful applicants would be notified through email. ok the above was just crap kindly ignore haha...

guess i'm just bored outta my mind... time to plan my movie trip with my sis for the girl who leaped through time! woohoo!

been having nightmares these few days... =X

first was me being pestered and repeatedly stung by this insect that looked like a flying beetle? if u know me well enough, i totally detest flying insects that keep flying around me... especially bees. plus those that sting... beetles sting? i had no idea... maybe it's a bee instead? hmmms...

second (which i had just this morning) was me talking to this super hypocritical girl who's planning some evil action to bring harm to me or something... i was walking with her n a guy which i think is my brother, then i spotted this big group of cats in an abandoned shop along the street. When i went nearer i saw this huge male cat bullying a smaller cat, so i tried to be kind to the smaller cat and pushed the huge cat away. who knew... it flashed its claws and climbed onto my shirt and slashed my abdomen!

scary dreams... and all have gore interpretations of destruction coming my way. i wonder which aspect they refer to... since i'm home these days and i haven't really offended anyone consciously these days? hmmms.

well pray i wouldn't die these days or something... hahaha... and stop giving me these weird dreams. i prefer to sleep dreamless. XD

就算全世界嘲笑我，我也不在乎。

yes i'll try my best to keep this in mind. particularly hard when you feel upset/uneasy/a little... angry? when people laugh at things precious to you. or even the things that you thought were cool... and others laughed at you thinking that way. that feeling sux.

sometimes i get really irritated by certain individuals trying to fool their way around... thinking it's fun to poke fun at others and things like that. oh well keep irritating me. i felt like slapping them in their faces. but i have to control. take in a deep breath and exhale. this is all part of training for me to learn how to deal with even more irritating people i'll meet with when i enter the working society. so... 忍。

i've got this puking sensation since this morning till now... i wonder why that's so? i can understand if one wants to puke in the morning that's normal morning sickness... but the whole day? plus my stomach felt really funny with occasional searing pain... is there something wrong with my gastric or something? hmmms... i didn't finish my breakfast though... haha.

so yeaps. with the end of dip i shall eat normally. sighz. i think my presentation today was lousy. felt like a free loader throughout the whole project cos i couldn't really see how i can help with my limited knowledge and stuff.. i did try to read up to be able to help... but i'm usually too slow. by the time i'm done with reading up, people already knew what to do to solve their problems. sighz. means i better buck up this holidays and try to absorb as much knowledge as possible. but i wonder if that's possible... so many things i wanted to learn... so little time it seems. haiz. sometimes i wish i could live life without worrying too much about things...

i want to be strong enough for people to be able to depend on me. but i don't want them to be too dependent on me too. sometimes i want to be alone, but i knew it too well i'm too afraid of being lonely. what irony. no one can understand how i truly feel... maybe it'll be good if i never get too close to anyone in the group... or rather, i can't expect them to know how i feel... i don't dare to show them my true feelings too... the guard's somehow always there... due to certain reasons i could probably push them away... but... why should i expose myself to possible hurt if i pushed away my reasons for guarding them? rawr. i knew i had the problem with trust, but it doesn't seem i'm working towards solving that...

should i just focus on my studies next semester and not join that clique and match our timetables? life would be boring without having fun with them too... but sometimes hanging out with them gets on my nerves too... cos we like to pick on certain individuals... i'm guilty of doing that too, and they insist it's cos that individual doesn't mind and that person's just waiting to be shot down by our "malicious" comments... i really wonder if that's the truth... maybe he really minds but just doesn't want to voice it out as he's too nice... i wouldn't do this kind of things in the past... but i do now... which i feel kinda sad for myself... but i wouldn't want to help him out for the fear of others shooting me back. haha what kind of lousy self defense is this.

dip was... boring and fun. had loads of fun and joy with my group mates outside work aspect, had some frustrating time with myself for being unable to produce good end result that contribute to the entire project... but now that it ended... i can go back to having more sleep, and start looking for a job to replenish my nearly depleted bank account... haiz. never ending problems... but that's life. after dip results for the semester would be released soon... tomorrow! and i have a feeling i didn't do that well last semester... my first class honours! haiz... i shouldn't overload again next semester, should i? seems like i took on too much... but there's so many things i wanna learn! i guess i shouldn't be so greedy and spill the contents of my basket by overloading it...

sighz. seems like i can no longer turn to anyone to rant about my problems anymore... i'm afraid of letting people know what i really think these days... people in my school clique... i can't really trust them because of something... others beyond that clique would have no idea how i feel i guess... haha...

moody stuff apart, here's the photos i promised the other day... my photoshooting skills vs my sis's...

my idea of an artistic shot at the east coast beach after i fainted...



vs. my sister's idea of an artistic shot...




this is from my sister's perspective of my mum...




this. is from my perspective...



some other photos taken by the great-o-me...




what a beautiful beach! i wanna go there again...




that's my sis.... looking lame in her cap... she originally had this lion soft toy pinned onto that cap! omgs =S

yeaps... end of my tiny photo sharing session... wished i had taken more photos then... but was interrupted by the sudden downpour... i wanna go to east coast again! =(







last saturday, me my sis plus our parents went to this wedding dinner... felt quite out of place, cos there's no one i know over there... plus the host's father was trying to like... intro plus push me n my sis together with his two sons... -_- and all the aunties there were like asking whether me and my sis are attatched... >_< irritating pple... =( is that the only concern on their minds for younger people... whether they're going to be married soon and things like that? =(











today, i went to mind's cafe with my dip group mates... played some really fun boardgames such as "who's the boss" <-- i think that's the name of the boardgame haha... good thing it costs only $5.50 for the whole afternoon we spent there... i thought it'll be more expensive... sighz... being broke during the holiday season really sux. no money to spend on GSS, can't go out too often or else i'll have no money for the rest of the semester... need to find a job quickly to replenish my depleted bank account... i'm so desperate for money till the extent of... asking pansy to intro one of cc's friends from his network of rich people... >_< of course i was joking lahs lol! but sighz. pressure on me to find boyfriend and to become richer. =( sounds so unlike me.. =(

wow this damn long entry took me more than an hour to type... time to tataz and finish up my dinner with two darn painful ulcers in my mouth... *ouch*

i've got this really weird bump on my right wrist. no idea how i got it... it's really itchy, and looks as though it's a scar from a previous cut or something. maybe i tried to kill myself by slitting my wrists in my previous life or something LOL. my dad came to the conclusion it's some weird allegy *and it happens only on my right wrist* so yeaps. it's darn itchy and i'm attempting to stop myself from scratching it and really making it into a permanent scar...

been slogging for dip *hmms on second thoughts... the previous statement is a lie LOL*, went on my mini runaway on vesak day to east coast park to cycle with my family. took loads of stupid pictures too... had a mini competition with my sis to see whose pictures are more... ahems. "artistic"... haha... i'm not uploading them tonight, cos i'm a bit tired and lazy XD but maybe after tomorrow, after i finish dealing with the 17 unfortunate souls incident. >_<

ok back to the cycling trip! my brother's away on exchange to cambridge *dammit. kids these days are damn lucky...* and so me my sis my mum and dad went on this trip suggested by none other her majesty... me! we charged to east coast park at around 12noon... *tell me which idiot cycles at 12 noon when the sun's just above your head?* and me n my sis got ourselves the normal bicycles, while my dad and mum shared a double bike...

cycling's so so fun! until... i fainted halfway through our trip. >_< i confess! i had only a lime sundae *that looks disgustingly like shrek, which is what it's made after...* for dinner the night before, ate a sort of pancake looking pastry for breakfast... before i cycled in the blazing hot sun... *ok it wasn't that hot... the vain me had to wear a cap to cover my short fringe that looks like it was standing up when i was cycling... and it's darn hot with that cap!*... so when my family stopped for a break i couldn't take it and i just collapsed on the floor... haha must have scared my family stiff! felt quite bad about it cos i didn't take care of my body + i was the organiser of this "outing" + they had to stop for a long while to wait for me to recover... and we didn't manage to cycle all the way to changi! but the breeze there was damn good. so good that we enjoyed it so much until it started pouring. -_- nice weather man...

so we literally braved through the storm together as a family... quite funny considering the events that happened to us recently... how apt... after i fainted, my mum took my bicycle and i took the double bike with my dad... we joked about how my bicycle is cursed and maybe the person riding it will faint halfway through the trip hahaha! i think my mum became paranoid and changed bicycles with my sis halfway through our way back... really enjoyed our slow ride back to the rental shop in the rain... i guess most of us was.. tired? haha~

cycling's fun! we must go again some other time! and i will make sure i eat properly before i go wahahaha~





today's our ktv trip at the $10 dollar club with my fellow hc classmates! pansy brought me a really nice orange handbag from her trip in kl... really love it! and nico sang so well that i can't help but to secretly record his singing... in hopes of putting it online someday to blackmail him... opps! haha~ should have told him during our supper... hahaha~ but 3 hrs is just so not enough for all of us! need to sing more... ='( though i'm extremely broke... sighz. need to find some ways to earn money fast and easy... sell butt? hey i'm kidding, k?

sighz. signing some documents tomorrow. going for my mum's friend's daughter's wedding dinner... hmph! i refuse to let myself feel down! rawr!

and now... time to hit my bed... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz... oh wait! my bomberman awaits me! XD

after being high *be it from the alcohol or self-induced* all you're left with is silence and sorrow...



all that matters is being true to yourself. i said that myself and i agree with this statement. yet... why is it that sometimes being true to yourself... it hurts?

i guess negativity still gets to me at times.

this morning i had the hallucination of having my wrist cut again. -_- and i thought i had snapped out of it... i told myself to get out of it and went to school late again for my project. i did what i had promised my group leader over the weekend but couldn't send it to her during the weekend cos i didn't spot her online, and when she received the file she told me she did it herself already cos she didn't know i was going to do it. dammit. that's more than twice this kind of thing had happened. if u wanna bao ka liao i'm not going to stop u. i wanted to make things easier for you, looks like u don't need it. no point trying to support pple who wanna chiong all the way i suppose. total waste of everybody's time.

it's not anybody's fault. i keep telling myself but it doesn't seem to help. the ineffectiveness of this entire project is really getting on my nerves. it's easy to just do my part and don't care about others. despite how much i hate that. i want to contribute too, but it seems as though i wouldn't get my chance. 1st is the upload cgi thing, then is the project proposal. no one knew abt the upload cgi thing though... no point doing anything cos it's going to be rejected at the end, isn't it? i've tried already... no point being sulky just because what i did isn't incorporated into the end product. i'm used to it anyway... trying to be helpful, only to be tossed away... just like that time 3 years ago. people think i'm too free and tossed all the shit to me. i fought back... because i'm not as free as they thought. harlow you guys didn't even understand that i had specially set aside time just to help u guys out. ungrateful people. i guess they're everywhere. and just because i fought back i guess i made a bad impression on them. fine by me, i don't wanna get involved in this kind of sai kang in the future too.




was watching/reading anime/manga... and came across 2 characters who didn't have the will to live... thinking it's fine to just die by accident since they didn't really have the will to live anyway... no you wouldn't die. because there are people who want you to survive. even against your will... so don't make them sad *at least for those with people who care about you* and do this kind of foolish acts.

no matter how much the world laughs at me... i wouldn't care, as long as i'm true to myself...

$40+ for a getaway from reality, from the harshness of life... to gain some sort of hope for life...

i guess that's pretty worth it.

some people just sux to the core. well, maybe me included. ok make that definitely me included. but there are definitely people who sux more. a bunch of people from a certain organization with the name ****. ok enough rant about some people insignificant that will not make much difference in my life. maybe blow away a grain of sand from my life maybe.

就算天塌下来，就把他当被盖。i like this phrase... how apt for my situation. thanks pansy for making me feel better in face of a rather small adversity. it's nothing really. i've learnt to look at things differently after talking to you... so whatever shit you throw me, u can't beat me. not now anyway...

i'm so glad that i'm not alone in this world... it felt this way for some time... but then i met my good friends... like pansy, yuchun, shian chi *you better come back soon! miss u loads...* thanks for being there for me... when i needed a shoulder to lean on... when i needed to gossip with... for giving me advice to my problems...

i dunno what i'm doing with my life... i thought i'll be good if i thought of what i wanna do in the future and set myself in that direction, but i can't find that arrow for myself... is it just me being indesicive? or just me being cowardly? running away from any problems that i face? i can't keep running away. i thought i've stopped to face them... but as always i'm an advocate of NATO... no action talk only. haha courtesy of zhi chao *dunno how to spell... think it's tze jun in english... what a weird name!* how do i take action then? hmmms...

enough thinking for tonight... i think i tend to ponder too deep into matters... causing me to be unable to see the problem/issue in perspective... ok time for more photos! sorry for the lousy quality though... i don't know and i'm lazy to use photoshop to make the pictures look better... so.. hahahaha...

we think it's an artistic shot... ok laugh if you must...

ok this time i admit... i think i had an artistic shot... but the front looks rather empty...

wooo~ pansy looking chio XD

that's me trying to act cute -_-'''

ooo cats are always cute by nature XD

i like this song loads... if i'm going ktv soon i wanna sing this to my best girlfriends... =)

老婆
歌手:S.H.E 作词:任家萱(selina) 作曲:陈嘉桦(ella)

从昨天到今天
还有明天
感谢老天
让你们陪在我身边

爱的心痛的心
等待的心
因为你们的拥抱
我很放心

当初见面的不安
彼此的探索
也许有些茫然迷惑

朝夕相处才发现
这世界中
没有人比你们更懂我

朋友姐妹
都已不够来形容
我们的默契骄傲
扶持与包容

老婆老婆
我们一起打勾勾
请记得约定的旅程到永久

finally... blogger seems to be back to its old self...

sometimes i wonder if i'm just being depressed... as in clinically depressed. i keep thinking of the worst scenarios that can happen to me... like while i'm just walking down the stairs with a bottle *glass bottle to be exact* of snapple, i'll image me tripping down the stairs, and the shards of glass from the broken bottle cutting my face... or when i'm crossing the road or sitting in the car, a terrible car accident will happen... or just me having this big cut across my wrist when i'm just stoning... things like that. sometimes it really bothers me why i'm so plain pessimistic... and others around me can tell me i'm optimistic. the cold hard truth is i'm optimistic about others but not matters regarding myself...

it's easier if you never had expectations at all. in this way you wouldn't suffer when your expectations are not met. i thought this was drilled all the way into my head, but i guess sometimes it just slips my mind. but living in a life with no expectations of any kind seems to be a life without any meaning or motivation. it felt as though i'm just waiting for someone to take my life away from me. maybe i really am. but others can tell me i've got a bright future waiting for me. i'll think : what future? can you see it? what makes you so sure it's bright and not dark? or is there even a future?

i guess being too critical will get you nowhere...

and the thing about my project in school... i feel useless in the group. cos i don't seem to have the knowledge to do things... neither do i have any ideas to input... am i just plain pessimistic cos i felt like i wanna disappear from that lab where everyone seems to be working hard while i'm doing nothing at all? what can i do to make me a more worthy member of a project group?

regarding the blog layout... i'm still trying to figure out how to draw and digitally colour the image... seriously... it isn't as easy as i thought... the character design+costume+background... is simply omgs. now i totally admire and idolize mangakas *people who draw manga*... lol...

alright... that's a short update on my part =)

darn it. blogger sux. =(

i'm not going to retype the entry this dumb blogger decides to reject. boo.

after a whooping 5 days looking at the same picture, me and my sister finally realised something devasting...

presenting to you... the one eyebrow-ed man!


my sister had worked on this for 5 days... and not a single day without complaining to me... i guess she had enough looking at his face... and she didn't even realise he had only 1 eyebrow until i tried to input some ideas to her by drawing out his face in my normal manga style... and while imitating his face on the computer screen... the dire realisation struck me... this man had 1 missing eyebrow! amazed by this fact, we looked back at the original image of him and realised the hard core truth...

the sad thing is... after we're thoroughly excited by the fact we're going to print the one eyebrow man on the concert tickets and poster... after her hard work... someone in her committee said she shouldn't paste the chinese word on his face. hey it's art ok... those people have absolutely no artistic sense despite being part of co...

忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍忍。

好，我忍。

so this is what the lack of sleep and being heaty results... of course there are other factors, but they make your eyes swell and hard to open, gives u a slight headache and makes you feel like flaring up at any slight provocation...

rawr. i'm going to explode. you better stop any funny ideas you have. damn it.

yesterday was too havoc a day for me... until i didn't have any energy left in me to blog about my wonderful.... fattening? experience with my best friends pansy and sheila from hc... we went to suki yaki at marina centre... and all went loose... well, picture speaks a thousand words...

wow.... looking at this picture makes me feel hungry again!

that's pansy pigging out enjoying her prawn...

while we're still sane and cooking our feast like good little girls...

after the feast... what's left of it...

we had ice cream after all these madness... with pansy and sheila complaining about how full they were and i still had some stomach space left... *opps i gave myself away* but nevertheless we moved on to our dessert... ice cream! it's the first time i'm eating "self-made" ice cream which essentially involved you scraping and flipping the ice cream liquid on this really cold surface, leaving you with the cold ice cream! and pansy and i both think i'm pretty good at it... maybe i can consider that as my future profession... LOL! the sad thing is i forgot to take pictures of us making ice cream... =( *too attracted by the ice cream...*

next we went shopping... and i spent a whooping $50 bucks on clothes... one of them was quite cool... but i felt i was pushed into buying it by that kinda irritating salesperson... but i kinda wanted it too... so i didn't violently object when she just pushed the clothes to her assistant and told her to enter the receipt... darn it i should have been given more time to think about it. darn. i hate this kind of sales people... the other product of my conquest was my long-awaited pair of shorts... seriously the singapore weather is driving me crazy with the amount of heat the sun radiates on our portion of the earth. so i had to get that pair of shorts... which was at a whooping $18 bucks only! half priced somemore! rawrs. though it was kinda a good buy... but all in all i spent 200+ bucks in these 4 days... =(

today... taught tuition in the morning, followed by ktv in the afternoon with my ntu friends... loads of thoughts... i thought i sang pretty well XD *my mum insists that i'm narcissistic... well maybe i am XD* but i need more ktv! someone better accompany me to ktv again soon... and i mean damn soon... like next sat/sun? then in the evening dropped by yuchun's house to help her sister with physics... didn't feel like i helped much cos i have a feeling her sister, though inquisitive, has a rather short attention span... and i can't blame her for that, cos she's still young while i'm paid to keep talking non stop without brain blocks or becoming seh... unless i'm facing some ultra cheem maths problems... and this pretty much sums up my activities for these 2 days!

and now for the irritating 20 people group project starting tomorrow... sighz.
















never. ever. follow someone else's footsteps to the extent of losing yourself. i saw you falling into that same trap as i did 4 years ago, and i know it doesn't help at all. i want to tell you this, but i don't have the courage or the authority to let you know. now i totally understand how he felt then... i was such a dumb idiot... never ever lose yourself over something as small as this... in the heat of things u might think u're willing to lose yourself in this, but in afterthought u'll probably regret it. people will like and accept you for who you are, not for who you aren't.

ok enough of my nonsense... time to knock out soon if i want to be able to wake up tomorrow morning... sighz.

yay! exams are finally over! i want to sleep, rest, go out to shop, read all my manga plus watch all my anime, plus ride on this...

yesh! this is a ferris wheel i took at the woodlands mrt platform... lolx... was there yesterday as part of my pasam malam 之旅 with my sister... well, only i was the idiot who wanted to ride on that... haha... <-- so old still don't wanna grow up =( since exams are over, i seized the time to go out with my friends before i'm tied down to another 5-week project that's 8-5 every weekday... so for today the clique i'm hanging out with is with my ny sec4 classmates yuchun, yihui and jiayuan! did something terribly sinful today... and i shall make u share my sin by showing you these pictures...

wooohooo! tiramisu! it's surprisingly super tasty for its weird shape... haha!

yummys blueberry cheesecake! *feels as though i'm i was in heaven...*

sin in love... really sinful with that yummy hot brownie in chocolate plus the chewy coffee icecream!

sinful sinful sinful!!! triple choc is just so chocolatey!

a "group" photos of these wonderful desserts...

it was a totally sinful affair... but after that wonderful meal *it was at a restaurant called secret garden that's somewhere along middle road*.... we found this outside the restaurant and decided to challenge its toughness by sitting on it...


then i tried to take a candid picture of yuchun despite her violent objections... and this is what i got...


seriously it looks more like a "talk to my hand" picture... so i edited it slightly to this...



can't wait to hang out with you guys again! =)