yesterday was too havoc a day for me... until i didn't have any energy left in me to blog about my wonderful.... fattening? experience with my best friends pansy and sheila from hc... we went to suki yaki at marina centre... and all went loose... well, picture speaks a thousand words...

wow.... looking at this picture makes me feel hungry again!

that's pansy pigging out enjoying her prawn...

while we're still sane and cooking our feast like good little girls...

after the feast... what's left of it...

we had ice cream after all these madness... with pansy and sheila complaining about how full they were and i still had some stomach space left... *opps i gave myself away* but nevertheless we moved on to our dessert... ice cream! it's the first time i'm eating "self-made" ice cream which essentially involved you scraping and flipping the ice cream liquid on this really cold surface, leaving you with the cold ice cream! and pansy and i both think i'm pretty good at it... maybe i can consider that as my future profession... LOL! the sad thing is i forgot to take pictures of us making ice cream... =( *too attracted by the ice cream...*

next we went shopping... and i spent a whooping $50 bucks on clothes... one of them was quite cool... but i felt i was pushed into buying it by that kinda irritating salesperson... but i kinda wanted it too... so i didn't violently object when she just pushed the clothes to her assistant and told her to enter the receipt... darn it i should have been given more time to think about it. darn. i hate this kind of sales people... the other product of my conquest was my long-awaited pair of shorts... seriously the singapore weather is driving me crazy with the amount of heat the sun radiates on our portion of the earth. so i had to get that pair of shorts... which was at a whooping $18 bucks only! half priced somemore! rawrs. though it was kinda a good buy... but all in all i spent 200+ bucks in these 4 days... =(

today... taught tuition in the morning, followed by ktv in the afternoon with my ntu friends... loads of thoughts... i thought i sang pretty well XD *my mum insists that i'm narcissistic... well maybe i am XD* but i need more ktv! someone better accompany me to ktv again soon... and i mean damn soon... like next sat/sun? then in the evening dropped by yuchun's house to help her sister with physics... didn't feel like i helped much cos i have a feeling her sister, though inquisitive, has a rather short attention span... and i can't blame her for that, cos she's still young while i'm paid to keep talking non stop without brain blocks or becoming seh... unless i'm facing some ultra cheem maths problems... and this pretty much sums up my activities for these 2 days!

and now for the irritating 20 people group project starting tomorrow... sighz.
















never. ever. follow someone else's footsteps to the extent of losing yourself. i saw you falling into that same trap as i did 4 years ago, and i know it doesn't help at all. i want to tell you this, but i don't have the courage or the authority to let you know. now i totally understand how he felt then... i was such a dumb idiot... never ever lose yourself over something as small as this... in the heat of things u might think u're willing to lose yourself in this, but in afterthought u'll probably regret it. people will like and accept you for who you are, not for who you aren't.

ok enough of my nonsense... time to knock out soon if i want to be able to wake up tomorrow morning... sighz.

yay! exams are finally over! i want to sleep, rest, go out to shop, read all my manga plus watch all my anime, plus ride on this...

yesh! this is a ferris wheel i took at the woodlands mrt platform... lolx... was there yesterday as part of my pasam malam 之旅 with my sister... well, only i was the idiot who wanted to ride on that... haha... <-- so old still don't wanna grow up =( since exams are over, i seized the time to go out with my friends before i'm tied down to another 5-week project that's 8-5 every weekday... so for today the clique i'm hanging out with is with my ny sec4 classmates yuchun, yihui and jiayuan! did something terribly sinful today... and i shall make u share my sin by showing you these pictures...

wooohooo! tiramisu! it's surprisingly super tasty for its weird shape... haha!

yummys blueberry cheesecake! *feels as though i'm i was in heaven...*

sin in love... really sinful with that yummy hot brownie in chocolate plus the chewy coffee icecream!

sinful sinful sinful!!! triple choc is just so chocolatey!

a "group" photos of these wonderful desserts...

it was a totally sinful affair... but after that wonderful meal *it was at a restaurant called secret garden that's somewhere along middle road*.... we found this outside the restaurant and decided to challenge its toughness by sitting on it...


then i tried to take a candid picture of yuchun despite her violent objections... and this is what i got...


seriously it looks more like a "talk to my hand" picture... so i edited it slightly to this...



can't wait to hang out with you guys again! =)

most people would like to think they're like durians; they may not look or smell nice on the outside, but good on the inside.

if it's me; i'm a rotten apple, looks good on the outside, but smells bad on the inside.













明明跟我一点关系都没有了，但偏偏还想知道对方过得如何。或许这就是我曾说过的：人的本性就是爱kaypo。他的死活快乐根本跟你一点关系都没有，干吗还要自作多情?不关我的事，不关我的事。。。














and it's about time for a new layout! thinking of changing the background... but the general script shall remain the same or i'll change it to the one similar to my anime blog... oh yah the anime blog needs a revamp as well... haiz i'm thinking of changing that one to a blog that'll only be updated during my summer holidays... shall name it ～青空の下～ anime blog v.2 夏の記憶... which means literally ~below the blue sky~ anime blog v.2 memories of summer... rawrs.

during the holidays, if possible, i'll like to brush up on my japanese... plus to learn a little about colouring using the computer... unfortunately, as most can probably tell, my watercolouring skills simply sux. *looks at the girl drawing on the left* and even more unfortunately, my sister who's taking architeture now doesn't know how to colour using photoshop or some other software as well! argh. where in the world am i going to pick up these skills? =X

besides that... it's time to start thinking again what is really my aim in life. why am i even in ntu. everything just feels... incorrect. from the stupid choice i made around 3 years ago onwards, it seems nothing has been going totally correct. is this just adolescence or just me. time to pick up on my pace in life and start working hard man... the world and the rest of the people around you aren't going to wait for you...

sighz. so many things to say, no one i can really talk to about this things. out of fear of no one understanding me as well... haha well in short, i'm just one idiot. baka.

明明在考试当中，但总是心不在焉。

我最讨厌的就是为了讨好别人而故意作出与自己性格完全不相同的人。譬如，为了让自己喜欢的人对自己有好感，就故意作出一些事情来让他注意。就像是故意打听他喜欢什么样的东西，然后自己去研究，这样就能跟他有共同的话题。这本身看起来没有什么不对，但是如果自己平时都没有对这种事情有兴趣，这样一来不会觉得很奇怪吗？这种没有个性的人。。。最讨厌了。我认为，如果是真正的喜欢，决不须靠这种小“手段”来让真爱到手。如果对方爱上的不是真正的自己，那么在一起的时候，你就不能很自在，因为你不能让这不是真正的自己穿帮，不是吗？

经过了这么多的事情之后，我已感到非常的疲倦了，甚至一直问自己：我到底是为了什么而努力呢？放眼看别人，有些人看起来根本就没有什么努力，可是在事业上却也不是那么的成功？总觉得。。。为什么要那么拼命呢？一问自己这个题目，我就发现我根本没有一个好的答案来回答自己。是为了自己吗？还是为了别人？如果是别人，那个别人是谁？我的父母？爱人？根本就没有所谓的别人。说是为自己努力，动机又在何处？为什么要为自己努力呢？为了以后美好的生活？

无法回答这个问题的我根本就无心向上，努力地为考试奋斗。天天在家看起来无所事事，好像已经准备好一切了，实际上并非如此。心里有一股愤怒，却又没有心情来努力。这样的自己让我非常苦恼，却又想不出有什么办法让自己振作起来。。。

再过多几天，考试就结束了。心仪的假期终于即将来临。。。才怪！过了考试还有多五个星期的project要赶，一想到这一点，就算心里有任何动力都会即刻消失。啊啊啊，不想在想下去了。烦烦烦！

希望在明天的考试来领之前我能读完他啊。。。嗨。。。

中国话
歌手：s.h.e 曲:郑楠 词:郑楠 施人诚

扁担宽板凳长
扁担想绑在板凳上
扁担宽板凳长
扁担想绑在板凳上

伦敦玛莉莲买了件旗袍送妈妈
莫斯科的夫司基爱上牛肉面疙瘩
各种颜色的皮肤各种颜色的头发
嘴里念的说的开始流行中国话

多少年我们苦练英文发音和文法
这几年换他们卷著舌头学平上去入的变化
平平仄仄平平仄
好聪明的中国人好优美的中国话

扁担宽板凳长
扁担想绑在板凳上
板凳不让扁担绑在板凳上
扁担偏要绑在板凳上
板凳偏偏不让扁担绑在那板凳上
到底扁担宽还是板凳长
哥哥弟弟坡前坐
坡上卧著一只鹅
坡下流著一条河
哥哥说宽宽的河
弟弟说白白的鹅
鹅要过河河要渡鹅
不知是那鹅过河
还是河渡鹅

全世界都在学中国话
孔夫子的话越来越国际化
全世界都在讲中国话
我们说的话让世界都认真听话

纽约苏珊娜开了间禅风lounge bar
柏林来的沃夫冈拿胡琴配著电吉他
各种颜色的皮肤各种颜色的头发
嘴里念的说的开始流行中国话

多少年我们苦练英文发音和文法
这几年换他们卷著舌头学平上去入的变化
仄仄平平仄仄平
好聪明的中国人好优美的中国话

有个小孩叫小杜
上街打醋又买布
买了布打了醋
回头看见鹰抓兔
放下布搁下醋
上前去追鹰和兔
飞了鹰跑了兔
洒了醋湿了布
嘴说腿腿说嘴
嘴说腿爱跑腿
腿说嘴爱卖嘴
光动嘴不动腿
光动腿不动嘴
不如不长腿和嘴
到底是那嘴说腿还是腿说嘴

全世界都在学中国话
孔夫子的话越来越国际化
全世界都在讲中国话
我们说的话让世界都认真听话

全世界都在学中国话
孔夫子的话越来越国际化
全世界都在讲中国话
我们说的话让世界都认真听话

逆风
歌手: garden sister 曲: mia 词: 于光中

用独特的关键字眼 我搜寻着世界
只想找到一个空间 布置我的宣言

梦想已存放许多 不在乎被谁偷走
我只有一个感受 我真的真的 我真的受伤过

黑夜逆风细雨 梦想热情和我
痛苦却又甜蜜 why should i care at all? at all...

我不管别人的看法 却又想被人看见
你总是说出了盲点 有时候真是讨厌

信心已存放了许多 你不在却不好过
我只有一个感受 你真的真的 你真的够爱我

黑夜逆风细雨 梦想热情和我
痛苦却又甜蜜 why should i care, why should i care,
why should i care at all? at all...

每个选择路口 我就挑难的路走
每次你放弃我 我突然回头 你却还跟着我

黑夜逆风细雨 梦想热情和我
痛苦却又甜蜜 why should i care, why should i care,
why should i care at all? at all...

听说你比从前快乐。虽然离你那么的遥远，但也为此而替你感到欣慰。如果上帝真的存在，为你祈求快乐的愿望是否已实现了？

感到疲惫。这时候的我，已经站也站不稳。在回家的路上差点又被车撞。哈哈我这个笨蛋没看清楚车，以为它要停在路口，没想到只是他在学车，驾得比较慢，结果我差点给它撞。这时的我问自己，为什么要弄到自己这么累？有什么意义？明明可以轻松点，我却偏偏选择比较难走的路。或许我真的是个傻瓜。。。

觉得自己好自大自我。再怎么隐藏也无法收敛的缺点。我明明希望能变得更好，但人好像只会越变越坏，不可能越变越好。对于人生的无奈，似乎无法改变的世界让我感到厌倦与些许愤怒。对自己的无能感到烦躁，痛恨自己没有力量来改变这个不完美的世界。但或许每个人都得经历这段心路过程，所以目前的我不想想得太多。只想马上躺在床上，一觉到天明，不用再为考试而烦恼，或为时尚琐碎的事情而伤透脑子。

i know i'm being selfish... but...

can't we only have laughter and no tears at all?














deep down i knew it. we have tears to let us enjoy laughter and merriment even more. so the only thing i can do now is to wish for all those who aren't laughing now to find their happy selves back soon...

it's time to start your engine you slacking idiot. first paper in another 3 days time *including today* and you haven't even finished all your tutorials. freaking 16 tutorials waiting for you. i don't care what you've been doing earlier. what's important is this: what others have is a mere 6 papers to deal with. you've got 8. and they're working much harder than you. remember: your goal to get better grades this semester... you want all your subjects to get A? haha don't make me laugh. look at you now. you haven't even done your revision proper. do you know your facts? no! if others have just 6 papers and you've got 8, you jolly well work twice as hard as them. and not forgetting u need to stay on top of the crowd... means u have to work even harder than that. so start planning your time wisely and stop stoning online. RAWRS.

TURN YOUR ENGINE TO TURBO MODE. NOW.

思念。是否是在雨天，或是在深夜的时候感觉特别强烈？

怀念。那些再也倒不回的时光，还是只因对现状的不满？

疲倦。是因为繁忙的生活，还是不想让自己停下脚步呢？

后悔。当时无法挽留的一切，所做过的那些愚昧的举动。。。

逞强。当无法沉浸在过去的回忆里，唯能继续向前迈进。。。

congrats to me again.

i sprained my back again. !@$%^&*^$#@%^&^#

it was over quite a lame reason... i was teaching my student maths at tuition yesterday... and it seems the posture i had while stretching over to my right to show her the working for like half an hour finally took effect as a permanent sprained back which only showed its true colours just before i went to bed. -_-

considering i can't and don't want to sit in a bad chair without proper and nice cushioning for my back with this lower left backache, i decided to skip school.

with my first paper another 7 days away *excluding today* plus another 17 undone tutorials *oh well i slacked my entire last week away* and my electives quizzes/exam yet unprepared... rawrs. i can foresee my entire degree audit with Cs and Ds for this semester X'(

and i finally stopped believing in the horoscope that i have made it send to my inbox everyday... they said i'm in luck today. what luck.

how nice.

1 more week to quiz, 3 more weeks to exam and i realise i haven't printed the second half of the semester's lecture notes. applause pls.

stuck in school with another lousy school computer that doesn't allow any other input language except english. -_-

been feeling kinda moody this weekend... totally no motivation at all... sighz.

how to catch up in time for my exams in 14days time? TT_TT

おはようございます！16 more days till my first paper(which is maths... my "fav" subject hahas)...

loads of stupid stuff that i wanna do... not now... probably after the exams....

1. my sashimi buffet! ok... the last time i went i put on weight cos i ate too much lmao. and my goal now's to reduce my weight! with this little "wish" of mine, i'll probably never be able to reach that target... lolx...

2. sleep more! my eye bags are really irritating me...

3. master a piano piece! er.... i'm recently interested in a piano piece... for two pianos! am i just stupid or plain lame? first there's only one piano in my house, second no one else is going to play the 2nd piano part together with me. so conclusion. i'm dumb. baka. rawrs.

4. study for jlpt 3... haha that's my aim at the end of the year... that is to be able to pass this exam... =) good thing is i'll probably be able to take japanese level 4 next semester... which will greatly help me in preparing for this test... well, i've got an acquintance that passed this exam with just jap level 3 and not studying the vocab for jlpt... (on the night before the exam itself he was still looking through at the list of vocabulary and laughing at how many he doesn't know... like a thousand of them?)

5. think through about my future career options... i just made the choice of going into communications and information technology when i go year 4... i wonder if it's where i really want to be... i even wonder whether i really want to be in ntu studying eee... but right now, it's too late to change path and steer myself elsewhere imo... sighz. who ask me to be near-sighted and never think beyond what i can see... =(

6. go get myself employed. i need money. money. money! omg i bet u can see the money signs on my eyeballs or something. desperately in need of money... one reason is to make me feel not so poor, second is for my bank account to at least grow not diminish. sadly since the start of the year, due to multiple reasons (like my reduced income, didn't work during breaks last year, went on an overseas trip, buying loads of manga, buying textbooks for jlpt, so many friends turning 21!) my bank account decreased tremendously... enough to make me panic. i hate to get money from my parents so i'll have to work my ass off to pay for all the frivolous things i want to have... like more clothes shoes and even that sashimi buffet wahaha... and not forgetting all the textbooks i'll need when the next semester starts... and more friend's birthdays coming up too! ='( for my wallet... so i'll have to work hard man... i mean woman...

oh wait. exams haven't even started, and the end of all these madness is more than a month away! and here i am fanatasizing about what i wanna do after this craziness. >_< time to head back to reality man... =( things i wanna do before exams start...

1. eat my pizzas for breakfast. XD

2. clear all my 25 remaining tutorials in the remaining 16 days? o_O that means i have to do like 2 tutorials per day. blehs.

3. prepare for my astronomy quiz... despite me having s/u that subject (meaning as long as i get a pass i wouldn't care)... but considering how i have never turned up for a single lecture(oh well i did go for the first one.... and popped by a few times, but i'm only physically there... the mind... oh well u understand XD) it's time to start panicking and worry about the quiz in another week's time... plus i have the strange "habit" of confusing astronomy with the word astrology... =X

4. japanese oral and listening test in a weeks time! so much vocabulary and grammer to master! plus all the crazy homework waiting for me.... rawrs.

yeaps that's about it. sounds little as compared to the earlier list of the things i wanna do after exams... lmao... it's a good thing i'm kinda motivated now... cos i'm mugging with my lecture group friends... and we're competing with each other to see who manages to catch up with the other hahahaha.... edwin you better watch out. rawrs.

so... shhh... time for me to start mugging while the rest of the world is still slacking... ;)

rawr. ohayo ne. gakkou ni iru. koko no kompyuuta wa totemo yokunai, nihon go no inpuuto ga nai kara. rawrs. *ok the rawring part is not japanese =(*

loads of thoughts in my head that i can't get rid of... it's kinda irritating cos it makes me think about it even when i'm trying to do my tutorials in school now. japanese then analog electronics. not a good combination. add in the lack of sleep. and my crave for... hot steaming chicken porridge? ok just take it i'm crazy.

thinking about friendship and love. again hahaha. yesterday i felt a little bad, cos one of my friends from japanese class... the guy she liked is attatched... haha that sounds a little nostalgic... remembering the days i once had... so i can understand how she feels... but i'm not really close to her considering i only knew her from jap class this semester... although i tried to talk to her to make her cheer up a little... i can't tell whether it's just her being tired from school that day, or it's because of that... once we stop talking she looked sad... and i couldn't help at all... i've met with similar situations before, but each time i feel being unable to help my friend i'll get mad at my incompetence though i knew deep down there's nothing wrong and nothing i can do to change that... rawr.

thinking about pico again. lmao. i think i've gone pico-crazy.... even my handphone wallpaper is a cute picture of her... =) looking at her makes me smile. omg it's like she's my child liddat lmao...

motivation motivation motivation. lately i've been thinking... what if the reason that had been propelling you to do something in the past is no longer there? would you still persist in what u're doing or just give up the whole matter and pursue something else? it's like me doing eee in ntu now... at the beginning i thought i had the passion for it... which i did i suppose... now i'm lost as to where to go next... because the propelling reason is now gone... why am i even in ntu? i admit it's fun to play with the breadboards here and write computer programs for computing and microprocessor lessons... but comparing it to life in nus.... i suppose it should be around the same? then why am i in ntu instead of nus when i can go to both schools anyway... the deciding factor for me to come to ntu is gone anyway...

living in a world without you. the future i once predicted had you. but now u're not there. my future would be without you too. how do i deviate my current life into such a future? if i see u again next time, how will things be like? so many questions but no answers to them...

i suppose this might just mean i'm too free to ponder about all these questions. means i'm not stressed enough. 2+ weeks more to exams! 30+ tutorials to clear! loads of notes to memorise especially for electives! ok i feel the stress already... time to head back to the "wonderful" world of op-amps and analog electronics. bleh.

i'm back again... feeling much better than the previous time... though i'm currently under a torment of some stupid headache... thanks to eugene and cyc... those comments made me feel a little better... at least someone understands me... but yeap it's my family, i'll always be part of it no matter how much i hate it or stuff. it's their way of showing they care i suppose, so i just have to bear with it.

some new stuff... exams in 3 weeks time damn it. pansy's kitten called Pico (dunno if the spelling's right) is damn cute! can't get enough of going over to her house to play with Pico for 3 consecutive days lolx... she's *i'm refering to Pico btw* injured... had a fracture on her right hind leg... and she's actually a stray kitten... but pansy the cat lover brought Pico home to take care of her leg... and she's so cute! learned how to hold her using my hands today haha... i like pets though i probably lack the responsibility to take good care of them...

some questions people had asked me before and spurred me to question myself beyond that... are those grey areas of life... like how people these days lack the motivation to live and do well in life... like the morality of love : the motivation behind love... and. when i'm getting attatched. -_-''' ok that's pretty out of point.

first things first : i totally agree most people these days lack the drive to go on and strive for greater heights. our lives are filled with work work work, with no time to enjoy the beautiful things around us. Even if we are really that self motivated, in the long run that's not going to last for long imo. so moral of the story, stop our footsteps and listen to what our needs are. do we need money? do we need that much of money? do we need to study? do we need to study that much? so... don't bother studying for the exams in 3 weeks time! woohoo~

next. morality of love. what motivates people to love? when my friend asked me when i'm getting myself attatched, i should have told him i'm emotionally attatched to myself. rawr. then we wouldn't have to go on to talk about the reason for people to become attatched : whether it's right or wrong to fall in love just because you need someone there for you, because u're lonely. of course, textbook answers say no. but in reality? i doubt how many would really stick to that textbook answer. it seems these days love is so fickle... people's hearts can change within a split second. so how can i believe those useless textbook answers?

third. let's consider this scenario... if there's someone of the opposite sex u kinda like and are rather good pals with him/her, but that person is already attatched. would you continue to be friends and become even closer, or pull out of the whole scenario out of fear of you doing something you wouldn't want to do? answer should be... the former. but the latter seems rather valid to me too. haha maybe i just like wandering around the grey areas...

fourth. i've thought about this long deep and whatever. (fill in the blank yourself, can't think of the adjective right now.) what specialisation should i choose for my final year? time really flies. sighz now i really wonder about my choice of coming to ntu to study eee. i wonder about my true motivation behind this choice. on the surface i claim i prefer practical stuff (which is true)... but deep down, i wonder if something else had been the ultimate factor pulling me all the way here. which was a stupid move anyway. originally it was a move for a future i had predicted, which didn't and wouldn't happen anyway. so that's a stupid move. so in an attempt to salvage this stupid move, i have to come up with a slightly better plan for my "future" so that i wouldn't walk down this road regretting every minute of it. not that i am now, but... you get my point. should i go computer engineering (from eee? am i crazy?) or communication engineering? or information and communications? rawr. i have no idea... sighz.

fifth. this ever on-going debate within myself. what is the difference between true love and just habitual "love". habitually thinking about someone, habitually waiting for someone. hmmmmms. does that sound suggestive? whatever u're thinking of... it's not wahahahahahahaha. or then again. maybe it is. whisper into my ear and i'll probably let u know what i'm actually thinking.

omg i'm not making sense. it doesn't help when u have like 26 tutorials to finish in less than 21 days. meaning i need to do like 2 tutorials a day? and i haven't even finished 1 tonite. sighz. i wish i can self proclaim e-learning week for the next 3 weeks. =(

i hate it whenever i quarrel with someone. i hate it when all the anger and resentment pent up within me shoots up and takes over my actions... stopping me from hearing what others have to say, unable to see who's in the wrong and who's right.

for a moment, i had the accusation going on in my head... for all the bad things i have in my life, it's cos of you. cos of the "prison" and limitations you put on me. i'm not going to be your little girl forever. i'm always "teased" by my friends to be mummy's girl. even when i'm no longer young anymore. i know i know... in parent's eyes, their child will always be their child. but i'm sick of that. having to return home by 12, setting good example for my younger siblings... responsibilities that they emphasize too much till the point i don't want to acknowldege them... so i always end up running from them. i hate being the eldest. i hate being scolded for the things that the eldest always have to fight for... like more freedom... just look at how smug my brother is.. he doesn't have to worry much about returning home late because i was the one who got scolded beforehand for returning home late. so if i was a guy and not the eldest i'd probably not be the target of all these constant nagging and things like that.

i'm not always going to be your little girl. i appreciate you trying to protect me and stuff, but if u're not around what am i going to do? if one day i have nowhere to return to, will i still be able to survive on my own in this world? sadly, for now i think the answer is a no. i hate that. i hate growing up but i hate being so dependent on others, which makes me feel so insecure, as i know deep down this pillar for me to lean on might disappear any time...

sometimes i just hate the way my family works... no visitors allowed in the house. cannot return home beyond 12. that's just so autocratic. but i must admit the support they give me is not that bad too. like having not to do house chores every single day... it does give me one less worry... and let me relax a little more when i reach home. the last thing i ever want is to feel even stressed when i'm home. stress is left for the world outside of my home. but unfortunately that can't be true. stress is everywhere. and in the mind. not something i can probably control, but i want to try to keep it that way.

we're not supposed to openly express our desires in asian societies. i hate that. i hate that idea imprinted into my family. not that i don't express my desire, but just look at me my sis and my brother.... we don't openly express our desires that we have deep down to our friends or even within our family. is it just the way this family was brought up or what i don't know.

i just know sometimes i'm so sick of this family despite all its good points that i want to run away from it...

late night ramblings

another late night entry... time check now is 3:23am...

was at my pri school class outing... apparently they had another outing last year but i wasn't informed i suppose... don't really know what to say to them too... i wonder if it's cos i just don't like to interact in big groups... or it's just one of my excuses again...

feeling super duper tireds now, but i don't want to sleep now... wanted to study until the next morning... bet i'll become a panda by then... but my eye lids are getting pretty heavy...

i'm really sure this is probably one of my "think a lot" times again... usually this kind of periods last for like from a few days to maybe weeks... seems like the person whom i thought i am is very different from what others think i am... can't decide whether this is a good thing or a bad thing...

i realise i have a really short attention span. and i can't standing having too many pple trying to talk at the same time. it happened at my class outing just now... having too many ongoing conversations made me totally unable to focus on any single one of them... so i ended up staying silent most of the time, trying to listen and catch up on stuff i didn't know... i wonder if it's cos i kinda shut myself out for 2 years... almost there... and i wonder why i tend to listen to others more... is it because i don't wanna fight with them the chance to speak my mind, or issit because i'm afraid no one's interested to hear what i've been through. or maybe it's cos of my lack of communication skills... i lack the ability to say witty things to make people laugh? whatever it is... it means i probably have to brush up my skills with interacting with pple in huge groups. strangely that sounds so wrong... like i'm doing for the sake of doing. or like i'm someone extremely false...

once again bringing me back to the point of my "identity crisis"... who exactly am i? some pple commented that i seem super fake when they first meet me... when they don't really know me... i wonder if i appear so to my pri school classmates. whatever it is... how they view me might matter... but the most important thing is whether i'm staying true to who i am. they can think that i'm being false when i'm showing my true self, but i wouldn't really care. cos i understand... strangely... that i'm used to being misunderstood... hahahaha~

don't wanna sleep tonight. want to study. but my back's aching like crazy. tell me what to do now?

all man has sins.
god is forgiving and forgives man's sins.
but i am not god.
i'm not as forgiving as him.
i can forgive all except mine.

another restless night. having a slight headache from lack of sleep from previous night... wondering how i'll spend my weekend on pri school class outing, looking for bdae present and how to finish studying and try to catch up on schoolwork. not as busy as probably su weixiang... whom i've talked to just now... guess we're all busy with our own lives... hard to find time to catch up with friends whom we don't meet as well...

you really should let go... he was the one who wanted to leave from your sight to seek his own happiness. and when it seems he doesn't find that... it's not your fault at all. it has got nothing to do with you in the first place. repeat that in your mind 1000 times.

having a little bit of... erms... constipation? body not feeling really good... on the verge of falling sick perhaps... irregular eating times, not enough sleep, not eating good and i wanna try reduce my weight. *yar yar... 50 by may...* i survived another day without incurring bruises to myself! though there were several things that happened that might have bruised me... like tripping over the stairs, my toe with the nail chipped off stepped by a stranger on the crowded bus etc. i'm still alive. is that supposed to be a "yatta!" or a "oh shit"?

i wonder... if i meet you again in school... how would we react to each other's presence? say hi like normal friends? or pretend we didn't see each other. or even pretend we don't know each other. all is wrong in the first place.

i don't understand why i'm so stubborn about this whole thing.

yeah. time to make it all disappear.

wow. another 12:30am entry late in the night. tireds to the core, but this happens every single day when i reach home... not a easy thing to cope with quizzes happening every single week... plus catching up on school work i've lagged since start of school hahaha~ loads of thoughts these few weeks... wonder if i have the time energy and if i even remember what i wanted to talk about...

been feeling a little... suicidal? these days... well... seems like i've caught the "accident-prone" disease from my good friend pansy... if i didn't remember wrongly, 2 weeks ago my left big toe nail got chipped off half of it... next few days i fell on my back while running along the wet corridor in my house, resulting in a sprained back... then just after the bruises on my back disappeared i got hit by a stupid bicycle *who shot past the red lights on the road, got horned by cars, hitting the pedestrain (yes that's me) that was just trying to cross the road when the green man just lit up...* and yeap. i hurt my back again -_-. so i was convinced that within the next few days i'll probably meet with a even bigger mishap. like getting hit on the head by a falling flower pot. or like what my friend said, getting choked while eating food. after i "cursed" myself in front of my friends, a few moments later i trapped and bruised my right index finger cos i was half awake and tried to keep the small table in the lecture theatre. wow.

wad's next? besides the falling flower pot or getting choked? getting electrocuted or something? or struck by lightning? i'll be waiting for you.... wadeva mishap that's on the way. i've even got my handy zam-bak which helps heal bruises faster in my bag... *which i used to get rid of the painful bruise on my right index finger haha* yar... so wadever it is... i'm not afraid. bah.

then there's the thing with my... rebellious and... maybe a little rude? tuition kid. yes i'm talking about you, mark... haha... see... sometimes i really think about the things you say to me... hmmms... like saying i'm fat *well i admit i'm not really thin like a skeleton... er you get my point* yeaps it's time i should go on a diet, thanks very much for reminding me that... then next... about me being a loner... hmms i didn't rebut you that time cos i thought... maybe there's some truth to that. but after some of the crazy things i've done with my ntu friends today... i guess not? well... a lot of things i didn't say to my ntu friends... and neither to mark as well... i don't like to rely on people too much. cos i think i'll grow too dependent on them... so i prefer to do things on my own if i can handle it myself. well... people will probably think i'm anti-social? maybe that's not my primary concern here regarding this issue... it's sorta my principle in life bah... second... i'm the... passive kind... i don't usually ask my friends to go on errands with me cos i don't want them to waste their precious time on simple stuff i need to go out to do... and going out alone doesn't mean u're a loner... ok so much for self defense haha...

i admit i'm not a very good friend. what kind of people qualify as being "a good friend"? maybe it's when you take the initiative to celebrate for your friend's birthday? not betraying their trust. yeah i think that's one of the important things i value in a true friendship. sadly not everyone can stay true to their relationship. there's so much deceit going on in this world that sometime i'm just too disgusted by it. or maybe i'm just thinking too much.

this brings to mind... ah. the stupid dip project thingy. that time when our group approached a certain professor to ask him to be our overall supervisor with our idea, he initially seemed interested and we thought our proposal would be approved. next he told us it was just too broad. after we're totally sick and tired of our proposals being rejected, under the list of projects accepted by mentoring professors, we saw his name there. meaning, he probably had another group approach him and he chose that group over ours? well... maybe i'm misunderstanding something here, don't think anyone out there could provide an explanation to this... but it just didn't feel good. makes me wonder how true are the responses from these professors... they can seem friendly to you during lectures *well they probably have to, if they value their job and want to look good as a lecturer?* but beyond that? are they still as friendly as they seem? how true are they to themselves? oh wait. i should be asking myself this question.

who exactly am i? i'm thoroughly confused with myself. my identity. am i just a stupid brainless idiot who likes to entertain and bring joy to those around me, or the selfish bastard who ignores others needs and immerse in my own problems or something? whatever it is. i hate to be hovering between the two. one moment i can be so warm to others, the next moment i want to be just left alone. if any guy can differentiate my mood and what i want to do, haha i'll be that guy's girlfriend. ok that was meant to be a joke. laugh please.

i'm just too skeptial for my own good. i don't know why... is this some kind of... depression? or maybe it's not so serious... just simply pessimism? when i go out and meet people... sometimes when i interact with them, i "hear" totally negative voices interpreting others actions in my head... like when someone's nice to me... i'll "think" that... oh that's just cause u'll need my help later, so u're being nice to me now... or like when someone asks me a question... i know i should try my best to answer to his/her query, but sometimes i get the "idea" that... hey u're not really serious about knowing the answer to this... so why bother explaining to you? is this skeptism or pessimism or is there really something wrong with me?

not that i'll expect any kind of answer here anyway. just thought i'll post it online as one of my never ending rants.

and just to add on to the rants: when will the quizzes ever end? rawr.

on a side note... just after i posted this entry... i'm back to edit it. seems like i've treaded on something i shouldn't have gone back to visit. don't understand why... maybe it's just cos it's late at night where no one can disturb the flashbacks i get from the past. a pang of hurt, pain and maybe... resignation to whatever that had happened. no way we can connect the broken relationship back again i suppose. we're never good friends in the first place anyway. not that i'll take the first move again, haha. damn it. i hate myself for being so stubborn and unable to wipe away scars from the past.

i thought the song below was nice... except for the lyrics sounding a little funny... well it's a j-pop song though it's sung in english. can't blame them if the engrish sounds furnies...



Winter Song
sung by : OLIVA inspi' REIRA ~Trapnest~

It keeps coming back to me
I remember this pain
It spreads across my eyes
Everything is dull

Everyone's smiling, they're smiling

It pushes me far, far away
I can't understand
Everything is blue

Can you hear me out there?

Will you hold me now...
Hold me now
My frozen heart
I'm gazing from the distance and...
I feel everything pass through me
I can't be alone right now

Will you hold me now
Hold me now
My frozen heart
I'm lost in a deep winter sleep
I can't seem to find my way out alone
Can you wake me

I know when I let it in
It hides love from this moment
So I guard it close
I watch the moves it makes

But it gets me, but it gets me

I wish I could understand how I
Could make it disappear...
Make it disappear

Anyone out there hear me now?

Will you hold me now
Hold me now
My frozen heart
Kiss my lips and maybe you can
Take me to your world for now
I can't be alone right now

Will you hold me now
Hold me now
My frozen heart
Please make it all go away
Am I ever gonna feel myself again?
I hope I will...

Will you hold me now...
Hold me now
My frozen heart
I'm gazing from the distance and...
I feel everything pass through me
I can't be alone right now

Will you hold me now
Hold me now
My frozen heart
I'm lost in a deep winter sleep
I can't seem to find my way out alone...
Can you wake me?

今天从下午开始下起了豪雨，让我整天都沉浸在迷迷糊糊的状态。明明想要在教补习之前那小小空档的时间来好好享用晚餐，到了最后却忽然改变主意，无缘无故跑 到书局去，只是想要走走看看有没有什么好看的书 *其实是要找飞轮海的写真。。。虽然我早就知道他们应该是卖到断货了。。。* 却让我发现了几米最新的作品！

书名是《恋之风景》。当初看到这本“宝”的第一感想只是：哇。几米又有新书了！兴奋地翻阅这本新书，每个字每幅画都深深触碰到我的心。感觉到眼泪在眼角打转。为故事与现实的无奈而感叹。

故 事说的是一对恩爱的男女一起遇到车祸，男子不幸离开了人间，留下寂寞与绝望的女友。女子不再相信幸福，沉浸在自己的悲伤里，看不到世上的一切美好，就好 像眼睛被蒙上似的。但她时不时听到死去的男友在她耳边不断的鼓励她，她相信她的心上人变成了守护在她身边的天使，也应次慢慢恢复了，也慢慢开始再次欣赏周 围的美丽事物。但天使越在人类耳边说话，翅膀上的羽毛就会越掉越多。她的爱人因为对她深深的爱，不惜牺牲自己的性命，翅膀上的羽毛完全脱落，他也无法再留 在她身边。。。女子仍然认为男友还一直守护在她身旁。。。

嗨。这是个多么凄美的故事。我忍不住，差点想马上拥有这本画册，毕竟我已经很久没有被一本书感动过。太多无法用言语形容的感触，我本来以为用华文，或许比较容易表达，但到此依然不知从何说起。

或许失去会让你的双眼被悲痛所蒙蔽，但当你走出悲伤，还会认为已经不再存在的东西依然存在吗？

感想一直卡在脑海里，无法将它一一写下，就留到改次想到了再加一补充。

it's time to stop moping in darkness and sorrow.
i want to fill my life with little bubbles of happiness.

Chingay! XD

the past 2 days was quite a fun experience! been helping out at the chingay parade as crowd control *though it turns out that we didn't really do much imo haha* watching the parade live and unobstructed is just... shiok... hehex... the only downside to this is... the irritating photographers who chiong out of their designated places on day 1... and the dancers who just refused to move their butts as though they don't understand english on day 1 as well... the actual parade was actually ok... i suppose...

the real fun starts after the parade... though we're supposed to help out at the floats area, but since there's too many people to help out with the floats thingy, me my sis and jenny decided to have some fun taking pictures with the cosplay people who walked with the president float earlier... since multiply's currently down, i'll post some of the better pictures here... *can't really expect much with my lousy phone camera lol*

having fun with the gundams?

omg mummy! i took a picture with naruto!

isn't that vincent valentine? where's his coffin?

why does the gundam look so sad?

hey we know how to ride these things okay?... just kidding haha...

omg i never wanna make her angry...

hahaha~ arean't my photo taking skills great? this is the front of one of the floats XD

well, there are more photos taken during the crazy post parade, but they're quite blur so i'll post them on multiply instead... after their service is up again =( more photos with gintama and other cosplayers... and with two kawaii korean military band members... strangely they understood english! another short dampening incident that happened earlier during the post parade was when i tried to ask some of those japanese "cosplay" people to take picture with me... they shun away from me! made me so sad and no longer high... but on after thought, i think maybe they're not the cosplayers, but just happened to dress in those kind of gothic clothing... so yeaps.

some of the things that came to my mind during this event was... temper control. especially when it comes to dealling with those idiots who simply refused to listen to you, or those who think others have to serve them cos their heads are bigger or something. well the thought of it still makes me fume a little lolx, so i suppose i have to do better at temper control. well, maybe it means i lack interacting with other fellow human beings *why do i sound a little like sunako?* at least i feel, if i were doing this when i was in jc or sec school i wouldn't feel the same way as i feel during the parade or after the parade. maybe i was humbler then? haha so... gotta learn how to tactfully deal with whatever situation that happens next time...

though there are ups and downs to this entire 2 days of chingay, i hope next year i can do it again... haha~ but i guess probably not, since i'm here this time to help my friend... if they're not helping to organise this again next year... i'll be stuck at home with my tv to catch chingay again... or maybe i can help them build their float if they're taking part in performing in the parade... wahaha *continues to daydream...*... ... ...

候鸟的忧伤，神枪手的调皮
恋人未满的羞涩，痛快的呐喊

我爱你，S.H.E!!!

i have a new dream, that is...

to sing with a live band, or to sing and perform in a harmonising group or something...

which will never be realised in real life bwahahahahaha. hey that's what dreams are for, right? =)

seriously... the lack of sleep must be getting to me...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

happy happy chinese new year! it's a little late for this mega greeting *it's 初四 btw lolx* been busy sleeping eating watching dvd tv blah blah blah... n trying to catch up on tutorials... the latter attempt turned out to be quite a failure regretfully... hehex

went manga/dvd/cd crazy with my small fortune from the chinese new year... went to buy some manga and S.H.E's concert dvd... very impressed with their performance... they're really the 天团... 1337! they're not my idols for nothing k... but watching that dvd really made me wish i'm rich to buy the tickets to watch their concert live... sighz...

been thinking about a few issues these day... read the 5:1 ratio theory on a magazine the other day...

the 5:1 ratio -- you need 5 good memories to make you forget 1 bad memory...

i thought i could let go of some of the "bad" stuff i've met in the past... but turns out i'm kinda wrong... guess i don't have enough good memories yet to erase the bad ones? or maybe i'm just too cynical about our imperfect world...

sometimes i wish i'm just my old self before all the wonderful illusions of my perfect world collapsed against reality...

the hardest thing for one to learn is to trust someone totally.

below is a song i heard a long time ago but thought nothing of it... when i listened to it again yesterday, i realise how nice and meaningful the song lyrics is... enjoy!

Belief

歌手:S.H.E
作詞：施人誠
作曲：左安安

我知道每陣風 吹著吹著就停息
也知道每朵雲 飄著飄著就散去
But I believe, but I believe
因為我們 我們有愛情

我相信我和你 一定會有結局
任時光再侵襲 擁抱一樣堅定
這世界有太多 會消逝的美麗
但你是你 so I believe
(但你是你 所以我相信 so I believe)

就像是每條河 總會流到海裡去
你知道我的心 也只願意奔向你
我說愛你 就是愛你
這是真理 永遠別懷疑

真心會給人力氣 穿越過所有距離
帶領我們走進永遠裡 Ah~ ~ Ah~~ Ah~~

aching back. test tml. haven't studied yet. but still...

i must confess.

i had a weird dream this morning.

i dreamt i was somehow trying to snuggle on a bed... strangely with one of my guy friends who was already on the bed. *gasps* <-- strangely this reminded me of the 花样少年少女 plot wahaha... then i ask... can i sleep there? the guy said yes... next... he lied beside me with his shoulders close to mine, so i tried to turn my back on him so that i wun disturb his sleep... then he whispered into my ear in a deep voice... "why don't you love me?"

then i woke up.

problem is : it was so damn real that it's scary. and... it so happened that when i woke up it's valentine's day. lmao.

ok end of confession. back to the damned ee2002 notes. rawr.

why does it feel as though i just screwed up my life?

sighz. things that never get done, somehow things seem to go wrong... or totally different from the way i imagined them.

sighz.

i want my clone. -_-

how many times have i repeated this over the past few weeks. oh wait. only 4 weeks have passed, but it felt as though it was 4 years. met pansy this afternoon and we came to the same conclusion lolx.

tireds and a little frustrated with myself. my lack of time management is really getting to me. plus my lack of sleep... sighz. and the lack of money hahaha~ i'm ultra broke now ='( and i just realised i forgot to draw money today! shets. now i'm poor sleepy n... sadeds... =(

there was something that i wanted to talk about... but i can't find the words to express them. how pathetic my language skills are...

i will not commit the same mistake again.
有种的话，就不要让我再爱上你。
been a little out of my way these days... don't know why, but i kinda liked writing lyrics haha~ lousy ones though... a few of them are drafts in my blog, cos i'm not satisfied with them... so it's left to editing editing and further editing until i'm happy with them and i might post them around sometime... haha~ and i wonder when that'll be, considering how little time i have to sit down n mull over this kind of things...

sometimes i wonder if i give people the wrong impression. oh wait. i do. lolx... and i can't decide whether i wanna clear things up or stuff... sometimes it's just me thinking too much i suppose... ok let's take it that i'm always thinking too much... haha life's much easier if that's the case...

i wish that i can just focus on the things i see and stop thinking so much sometimes. it's quite a bother at times... and my imagination can actually be quite wild... some areas are better off left unexplored... haha~

loads of things waiting to be cleared : two tutorials for tomorrow, my lab report, typing email to prof for project, catching up 4 tutorials worth of material for the quiz next week plus my other 4 tutorials that i lagged*besides the 4 tutorials mentioned earlier* plus catching up on sleep and finding time to watch tv XD sighz. end of the day, i just wish for another clone. oh god. can't u just grant a simple wish of mine? *er not exactly simple but who cares lol*

stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stress stressed!!!

wow. even typing that line makes me feel stressed.

waking up this morning, only to feel stressed up instead of feeling refreshed. try waking up next day when u have lagged your tutorials for two core subjects which one of the lecturers go through only 3 slides from the whole chapter of lecture notes, and tell u to go home and read your own textbook when the textbook doesn't even help u in solving tutorial questions. and you have no idea whether you can cope the other subject cos u're lagging so badly. plus the elective which you physically attend the lecture, but ur soul is floating somewhere else besides inside the lt...

makes me wonder if i just did something stupid to kill myself in the semester again. sighz.

on a side note, i just realised a few days ago that i have 8 papers in comparison to others' 6 papers in the coming exam. wow i feel like... holy shit. -_-

and oh yes, i have a lab report due in 2 weeks time. remember that. -_-

i dreamt of gates this morning. not logic gates, you electronics freak. it looked like gates from the mrt station, except they're extremely narrow... for kids from a few months to 1-5 years old -_- i can't remember why i was trying to get past them... but i can't squeeze through all of them *duhhz*... except finally before i woke up, i managed to squeeze through the 1-5 year old gate. i wonder if it's a bad omen of me not able to get past my exams n stuff... haiz...

sighz. thinking about this whole thing from another perspective, it's just all misplanning of my time. i wanted to do tutorial yesterday night after school, but i ended up watching youtube all the way until my head hits the bed. when i wanted to do my tutorial i just felt like sleeping *well my "study table" is next to my bed wahahaha* maybe i should force myself to study out like i did last time... but it's hard to find that self motivation... i felt like i lost it totally already... damn demoralised... especially with that lecturer who dumped us the whole chapter of notes to self study... i wanna relax a little but i feel so damn tensed up now that it's irritating me. =X

so many things i wanna do, so little time. sighz. i just want my clone.

resolution resolution resolution.

ok. this mini new year resolution is a little late, but...

i promise i shan't watch youtube till 1+am when i have school at 830 the next day.

and sometimes... maybe i just think too much. to the extent of getting a headache over nothing. that feeling sux.

had been talking to my lecture/tutorial mate to pass time during our break *cos he had a 1hr break while i had 2hr break ='(* don't know why... it seems like i haven't really talked to someone besides my close friends at such length for such a long time... quite a lot of things came to my mind...

how do we judge people's personalities? do we judge by how things look to us? some actions taken can be interpreted in so many different ways, so how do we know whether our perceptions are the "true" meaning behind that person's actions?

sometimes people fall in love at first sight... why? is it just physical attraction? if that's the case, can it be considered as true love? wait what's true love in the first place lolx...

what does the idea of being kind mean? does it mean donating to charity, or going way out to help people? what if when someone donates to charity, he/she is just doing it to look good infront of others? or maybe he/she donates to that charity cos of personal reasons? *like family/relative is under that particular charity organisation* is that still considered as "kindness"? same thing goes to going way out to help people... maybe the one doing that has some hidden motive or feels guilty cos of something he did before?

i suppose we generalise too much... we frame the idea of a certain action as a gesture of kindness... what exactly is kindness? is it the act or the thought behind it?

take for example, our mom... every mother in the world *i generalise* wants their child to become good adults... our mum screams at our poor results and our bad habits and so on... so is that just being picky or mean? what about the "kindness" behind the action?

bottom line : things aren't what it seems. don't go about making a conclusion on your own just based on the things you see, for your eyes can deceive you...

omgs why do i seem to like typing about this kind of "philosophical" stuff when i'm having breaks in school these days? rawr. just lemme end school already.

i wanted to blog about this yesterday, but i lost the feel for it...

happiness is... munching on a steaming meatbun on a cold rainy day, and to be sitting next to a bunch of friends just doing nothing...

yes! finally the big move from old blogger to the new blogger!

time check : 1:27am on a sunday morning. what am i doing here? dazing with a mild headache most likely from the alcohol intake earlier. despite the supposedly "drowsy" effect one gets from excess alcohol which i should have now, after bathing and water-parading, i feel as though i just woke up. *well i did... i woke up from being seh~*

been thinking about this whole idea for the past week. yes it's damn clique, my sis has blogged about it a long time ago, and i think the entry below will probably sound like some gp essay, but heck i'm going to voice my thoughts on my blog. it's mine. don't read it if u dun like. rawr! <-- effects of alcohol still evidents lol~

what is beauty? is it something that is colourful, or something that abides to the golden ratio? is beauty something about one's looks? when we see someone across the street, we start making some mental impressions like... oh that girl's so beautiful! or.. omgs that guy just looks ugly with that set of clothing. do we ever think a little deeper to ourselves whenever we make such opinions about others, that we can't judge beauty just by looks?

society has formed us in such a way that we follow the notions of beauty our community has formed with the "help" of media... like for example, a while ago girls are so crazy over guys with single eye lids cos it's supposed to mean the guy is cute. or a egg-shaped face is supposed to mean one's chio... or even, as stereotyped by many, a girl with big eyes is pretty. however, is someone without these traits ugly?

sadly, people these days, especially those who have grown up and have lesser and lesser time to interact with others, have to resort to judging one's beauty just by looks. we no longer have the time and effort to display our "inner" beauty or even "inner" ugliness if we have the outer looks to others, because we're all in a rush for time, with no time to explain ourselves.

even if we decide to abandon the guidelines set aside by the society to perceive beauty, how can we decide whether one has inner beauty? must that person abide to some specific characteristic? like to be kind and giving, gentle? or those that always put others before themselves?

i'm really drawn to the latest manga i'm crazy over... it talks about the idea of beauty and the ugly side of it. there's always two sides to the coin -- no matter how beautiful something is, there's something ugly about it... nothing's perfect in the world... this is probably what it means...

i'm really touched by something i saw today -- at my friend's birthday celebration, her crush gave her flowers and sort of "confessed" his feelings to her... a beautiful start of a new relationship on a rainy night on her birthday... it was so sweet and beautiful that i almost wanted to cry. but *i'm just being pessimistic, i'm so sorry amelia* i thought about how something sweet and beautiful will have ugly side to it... like... *i'm so sorry i'm so sorry! i'm not cursing u or anything!* a relationship is always beautiful when u start out, but once u go further things might get ugly....

so what exactly is beauty? i don't know the answer to that, i only know what's ugly. like selfishness. wilfulness. rotten food, cockroaches, lizards, moths... etc. i never like ugly things. like myself. all i can see of myself are my imperfections. i'm ugly. i know no one's perfect in the world, but strangely i can see and admire others' strength in character despite their imperfections, but not for me at all. i hate myself to the core... if not for those who care about me or my parents who gave me my body, i'll probably not be in this world or have started cutting myself or something. but i'm still alive. and i don't know why haha.

my ugliness is probably my lack of confidence. and my inability to try to discover whatever strengths i might have. being unable to shine, unable to seek happiness? what's happiness in the first place? is it simply a hot drink on a cold day? or being able to soak in the pool or to eat ice-cream on a hot day? i tend to forget this small kind of happiness really easily... and i kinda hate myself for that.

is eternity considered as beauty? i used to think that eternal love is... but then i realised that never existed. so is beauty all a pointless chase over something inexistent in our world? they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. for something that one can neither see nor touch, is it still beautiful? if something non-existent can't be considered as beautiful, then are the changes that destroyed eternity beautiful? even for something eternal, sometimes it can't be beautiful... like if we only have eternal nights, would we be able to appreciate its beauty without comparing it to the beauty/ugliness of day?

i suppose beauty is all subjective. so is every other abstract idea in the world probably. we always need to have something to compare with another to determine how beautiful something is.

a strange thought just popped up in my mind -- could it be that when comparing one's looks, we consider something that we don't have as beautiful cos we can never obtain it? like for girls with small eyes, they'll think others with big eyes are beautiful. someone else's possessions are beautiful because we don't own them. haha now things are starting to make a little more sense to me...

wow this brings me to other thoughts about other issues : the issue of greediness. we're never satisfied with what we have -- like young kids who always complain to their mums about whichever toy their friends have but they do not own, how we're unable to immerse in the small little happiness we have from our daily lives and envy how enriching and beautiful other people's lives are... well long way to go down that path, so i shall stop here for now...

just another 2 days to school reopening! after much complaints, nagging and so on, i finally decide to sit down and tidy up my study tables on a nice sunny saturday afternoon where people are supposed to go out and play. why! tell me why!

anyway, here's how terrible my table looks *that's y i had to clear it up today =(* presenting to you... my study/laptop table! *btw, it's near my living room...*

how does that look to you? if you think it's still ok... wait till u see my second study table! *or rather, coffee table that's in my room...*

err.... apologies to the poor photo taking skills... somehow no matter how i take the picture it'll always turn out bad. cos of the lighting of the room... no windows opened, curtains closed, never turn on lights... yar u get the idea... all sort of stuffs on my coffee table that's right next to my bed : 花ざかりの君たちへ manga, 花样少年少女 OST, erms... lyrics book from 梁静茹's latest album.... er the black thing is my laptop cover, blue octopus is my... erms... the thing to hit my back when it aches... yeap... my post it pad, handiplast, calculators... and well... a roll of toilet paper... too poor to buy a box of tissues lmao! the things under my table are all my notes n files... and i've already done a bit of packing of it already... else it'll look even worse...

while packing... some interesting discoveries...

er... sorry for the lousy lighting... this was my diary... i mean it still is, but i no longer write in it... it used to record my memories of my previous relationship, so when i re-read this again somehow the painful memories came back, but then i'm okies... i think i'll have cried if this happened a year ago but hey, i'm stronger now XD

and yes! i found my s.h.e file! free promotion gift from their forever album, it's so nice that up till now i still dun bear to use it hehex... er the file looks nicer than the picture due to my lack of photo shooting skills... hehex~

and..... *drum rolls* after 4 hours of packing *are u serious?*... this is how the end result looks like...

erms.... though u probably can't tell much of a difference between the before and after for the lower compartment of my coffee table... but hey! at least things look neater... though some other parts of the room looks messier... hehex~ but oh well i don't care already, i've done my part so my mum can't nag at me again! bwahahahaha~

3rd january! start of the new year! *well not exactly the real start, but somewhere around there*

and what am i doing here at 9:10am which is supposed to be my sleeping time now? camping for my subject registration. -_-

some things to make my sleepy brain jerk awake... school starts in another 5 days time... things yet to be done : pack my table(s), start looking for new tuition deals blah blah blah. and yes! i haven't set my new year's resolutions! and here it goes.... the countdown to my new year resolutions!

1. lose some weight! *er notice the keyword here is some*

2. improve on my results! *being on the border of 4.5 is making me extremely nervous...*

3. get a job with good pay! i'm poor poor poor...

4. after getting a job, i must save! *yar i spend money like flowing water =(*

5. improve on time management! *my last year was... hectic. -_-*

6. to revert back to my old self =)

7. to seek inner peace *which i think i've acheived last year but i'll put it here again =)*

yeap... er... 7 here... not a lot not too little either... the first 5 are more realistic and can be accomplished... but the last 2... er... i have no idea how to reach this kind of goal... hehex... will take my time to settle down... and try to be more cheerful. hopes for 2007 : WORLD PEACE! my foot. i was jokings lol... hope that my friends wherever they are will be happy, and of course i hope i'll be happy too lol~ time to seek happiness! but not at the expense of others and my responsibilities as well lol...

er... i said i'll be changing my blog layout... but sadly i lack the "resources" to do that lol... i wanted to draw something for the new layout, but haven't set out to do so yet *even though it's an extremely simple one* cos i can't decide to draw on paper and scan in, or to draw straight on the computer or something... i think the latter is better but i don't have the kind of pen to do that... in other words. i'm lazy and trying to look for excuse. lol! school term approaching means not much time left to accomplish the little goal i set for myself last year... so... ahems.

and my anime blog! i hope i can plan my time properly so that i can properly blog the good stuff i watch weekly... though it seems to me that the fansubs are a little irregular in their release of subbed episodes, but hey! i'm not complaining... trying to slack while there are no releases lol... goal for anime blog : try to get more hits from other pple lol... *starts refreshing anime blog browser like crazy*

to all readers out there! have a great year ahead and may all ur dreams n wishes for 2007 come true~!

merry merry christmas n a happy happy new year! wooo~~~ *opens party poppers!*

been looking through my past blog entries... it seems like i'm extremely fond of blogging late at night *since i usually take a darn long time to type out a single entry* so now i'll be a little special and blog at 12 noon lol! what nonsense...

going to be a lightbulb in another 2 hrs time haha... loads of thoughts in my mind now... random stuff mostly... like will i be able to get all the christmas prezzies in time? will things get awkward later? i wanna eat ice cream *LOL!* i like the j pop i'm listening to now... mostly anime songs... i wish the weather will stay cool like this now... feels a little hungry. omg these are really random thoughts! ok not so random stuff... how to move this blog to the new blogger... how to design a new blog layout before school reopens... rawr.

just got myself addicted to the new taiwan series 花样少年少女, adapted from the japanese manga series 花ざかりの君たちへ... this was the series that made me spend 100+ bucks the other day... and now i'm going crazy over the show plus the OST... darn nice! now waiting for tml afternoon which is when the next episode will be uploaded onto youtube... for once i rejoiced over the great invention *erms not really* of youtube! cheers to whoever who started that site!

ok enough crap... time to go out and act bright. XD

now that i'm sober... lemme recount what really happened yesterday...

out to celebrate weixiang's birthday... went out in the morning for gift hunting, got dragged to watch weixiang n co. waveboard... it's actually quite fun! too bad i didn't bring an extra set of clothes and i'm broke from buying 100+ bucks of manga the day before lol! then we were super duper late for the birthday celebrations at wala wala... pansy went off early to meet her bf and returned with her bf to eat mudpie at holland v. loads of thoughts running in my head that i thought it's good to get high and drunk, but i guess...

it's a misconception that being drunk rids you of your worries... or maybe i wasn't drunk enough. instead of drowning your sorrows, you'll be drunk in your sorrows. how ironic. i wonder why people get themselves drunk in the first place... so no more alcohol unless it's pple's birthday or some celebratory occasion. and no more getting high and sprouting nonsense.

i understand people will move away from you as time passes. though i thought friendship may be eternal, i guess there's no such thing as eternity. in the end no one can truly understand each other, and everybody will be left alone eventually. i admit i'm really upset when i heard some news regarding my good friend whom i used to be really close to, but since a certain event we've moved apart. maybe it's because i can never fully acknowledge that it's the right choice, maybe it's just me being possessive. i don't even know myself in this sense. whenever something goes wrong, you just have to blame yourself. because if you choose to blame others, things will never end.

just like another certain individual. i'm so envious of how nice you can be to others, all except me. i understand that you have no obligations, so i choose to leave. i don't know how to face you each time we meet. though i'll be sad when i don't see you at certain occassions, i'm even more upset when i see you in person. the truth has already set into me : we're in two absolutely different worlds, where we can't even touch each other nor show any form of concern. u're okay without me, i'll be okay on my own. the next time if we ever meet, i'll show you what it means to be a strong woman.

once again la! happy birthday to birthday boy la! no longer teenager le, must act like your age and not scare jayne again leh! hope u like your presents neh...

i'm glad to have gone on the phuket trip with weixiang and co... at least it no longer feels so awkward at class gatherings without pansy and sheila. but... why. why just some things never change? am i just change-adverse?

i understand the source of my depression now : i'm always looking for something non-existant in this world. eternity. no changes. like a world encasted in ice. as much as i try to resist change, i'm changing myself. growing old as time passes by, meeting new people, shifts in relations, and the list never ends. i try to limit the number of changes that happens to me, but maybe i shouldn't do that anymore. yet i'm scared of the person i'll change into if i didn't do that. rawr. i'm always quarrelling within myself.

another great incoming change : shianchi and yinyin going to US for half a year. my two good friends from ntu gone, i don't know how things will be without these two great friends to whine and complain about school stuff... or i'm just too dependent on my friends rawr. it's true i have friends in uni, but of course not as close as the friends i make in jc and stuff... i always have a problem with trust and i know it. no one to teach me how to conquer my fears and stuff like that. there's no shortcut anywhere for me to take. but i'll be alright. i know i will =) <-- only slight optimism can keep me afloat ahahaha~

omg i just woke up after 12noon twice in a row. i better start switching my bioclock back to what it used to be... rawr.

tonight tonight! don't miss it! champion against champion!

gone to phuket been to phuket back from phuket! the trip was extremely fun although i felt it was really short... seriously 2.5 days is not enough! hope to go somewhere again with u guys but right now i'm really broke... so hope to save up as much as possible before we strike some place again! lmao~

photos have been uploaded to this site : http://shootingstar4eva.multiply.com/
feel free to look around *especially the taipei pictures where everyone looked like shyt cos we couldn't be bothered most of the time hehex... just look at my brother's sian face rawr... but that trip was fun too!*

memories... i read from a certain manga that memories aren't reliable, because our brain cells gets replaced periodically and our memories are replicated each time that happens. this means our memories are never accurate, as we replicated them as and how we wanna perceive them in the future. so even when i dwell in my memories, the actual things might be less dark than my current memories. i guess the best is never look back then, but i look at people like weixiang and jonathan talking about making good memories for this trip... it made me wanna believe in memories again. haha funny why is this becoming so... reflective?

i wanted to get away from my life here... going somewhere far away where nobody knows me *well except my friends who were with me : shian chi wendy amelia weixiang jonathan and yiuyan* maybe i was trying to run away from some issues troubling me here, to run to somewhere sunny, to be drenched in happiness? i thought while i'm there i'll have time to mull over things, but everything was super packed with fun that i didn't have time to do that. fun aside, i wouldn't admit i'm happy cos if i do that, unhappiness might just be around the corner cos life is not so nice to let one stay happy forever =P that's one of my main issues that i wanna solve, but i guess it's something so deep down that i can't handle and resolve in a mere 3 day escape from reality...

i guess i'm just too moody or too different from others. what is happiness? how do people handle their problems and stay cheerful against all obstacles? i realise i'm totally lost in the whole world though i'm already living in this crazy world for 20 years. a crazy 20 years lol. it's everybody's right to seek happiness, but what will you have to give up in return for that happiness? unhappiness? or am i just too greedy because if i seek happiness i want purely that and no sadness at all? life is full of ups and downs, it's impossible to have purely happiness -- that's just an illusion...

i wanna go back to who i was before everything... back to the innocent me in p6... or if i can't be that greedy, back to me when i was in sec 4... or back to the time when i was still in ac when i was j1... back to the more optimistic me, where i had held the glimmer of hope that the world was not so dark and ugly. just before things turned really ugly. then i realised i can't. maybe i could, but it seemed so far away from the current me. i'm like the exact opposite me to the "me" when i was in acjc... maybe i should have stayed there? but of course i wouldn't. i'm glad to have gone to hcjc, really i am. but there are always so many what ifs. i'm always looking back for some secret escape route when i know i'm stuck at where i am, and nothing's going to change that. it felt as though i screwed up my life though i know i'm much better off than others... that feeling sux.

academic stuff, financial stuff. jobless, need a job for my allowance. job interview at 11 tml and i don't feel like sleeping yet. studies going downwards, might have to drop out of abp, but then again do i really want to finish my degree in 3.5 years time? there's so much things i wanna explore but so little time. time management. i screwed that up this semester with my 2 tuition obligations. though i'm busy i'm always procrastinating. i felt i was busier at the start of the year (year 1 sem 2) cos i had tuition and volleyball practice, but at least i had the motivation to keep moving *though my studies dropped anyway* motivation is the key here... but how do i find that motivation again? it's ironic that last time people used to say i'm self motivated.

i laugh at my stupidity and how cowardly and ugly my character has become. is this from the negativity of the world or it's a phase everybody goes through? i think it's the former but it's probably just my excuse for making me feel better off. i run at the slightest hint of fear, from cockroaches to lizards, from problems to even the slightest change, and from getting hurt. where did my courage go? did i just drop it somewhere on the street 2 years ago? lol 2 years. how quickly time goes. i guess the memories of then must have been replicated so many times that nothing i remember now is the truth. how to let go of your past resentment of events from the past? i always thought the past serves as one's foundation... why does things seem to go both ways in all aspects for me?

constantly arguing within myself over my principles and issues like such. i want to step out of my walls and be different from my older self, but i'll chicken out last minute cos somehow i like my previous self too. i want to stick to my principles but i don't want to be too stubborn. i want to love but don't want to get hurt. these things always clash within themselves, and i still can't see a way to make them happen at the same time. though some might advise me to just take my time, sometimes i get really frustrated at how long time has passed and nothing seemed to happen. i want to change but i don't want to change. i want others to understand me but then again i don't want them to fully understand me. i doubt anybody understands what i'm trying to say here lol...

still uploading photos to taiwan... seriously i don't understand how my sis can take up to around 300+ pictures for the trip while i took only less than 50 photos for my phuket trip. oh well maybe i just don't know how and when to take photos rawr...

meanwhile i'll post up my anime blog again so do take a look once in a while =)

boing boing boing boing boing!

bouncing to phuket in another 6 more hours! wooohooo~

如果你的一生是一场梦，并且现在从这场梦惊醒，你会希望记得梦境，还是选择遗忘？如果是我，我大概会选择遗忘。或许这一生中有许多美好的事，但回想起来脑子里突然一片空白。听起来可悲吗？或许我本人就是那么可悲。

真 正遗忘一个人是怎样的滋味？有没有可能遗忘呢？这个问题反反复复得问了自己好多好多遍，但终究得不到一个“真确”的答案。一方面，人是无法遗忘过去所发 生的事。这些事会累积成经验，成为一个人成长的肥料，也可作为警惕。就算回忆是多么伤人令人感到痛苦，就算一个人想尽办法要遗忘，回忆总会藏在脑海的深 处，随时随地浮现在眼前。

从另一个角度来看，一旦失去记忆，人是可以遗忘过去的事情。（说到这一点，有时候真的会有想消除记忆的歪念头。。）

朋友说，遗忘是不可能的。但当你回想往事时不再像以前那么难过、感到遗憾、或怀有恨意，那大概就是放得下了吧。那什么才算是难过遗憾或憎恨呢？我现在连自己的情绪都搞不清了。

醉。 人说喝酒会醉。我说不喝酒也会醉。不敢于尝试真正醉的感觉，是因为害怕失去理性，说出或做出我平时不敢做的事。给自己铐上太多枷锁，一直难以呼吸，想 挣破枷锁也心有余而力不足。我却不会为了醉而猛灌酒。我会在想醉的时候让自己醉。听起来似乎不太可能，不过好像我遇过这种情况至少两次。一次是在我非常难 过的 时候，另一次是在我极度疲劳的时候，说话不对头，走路东歪西倒。

面对失去目标的生活，简直是没有任何一样可以期待的东西。说是寻 死？这不 是我。寻死不过是个不负责任的行为。我生存是因周围的人的扶持，但却没有自己所想 达到的目标。或许一旦发现没有周围旁边的人的扶持，我真的就被击垮。这样的人生我厌倦了。不想受伤害的心是真的，不想毫无目标地生活的感觉也是如此强烈。 我就一直互相矛盾，来来去去超过一年。自私自利的用“我不想受伤害”作为伤害他人的理由，还认为自己并没有错。但换我做被伤害的人，或许我会痛骂让我受伤 的混蛋。

岁月光阴是那么的不饶人。转眼间一大半时间又过去了。我们生活在这世上到底是为了什么？为了传宗接代？为了让自己成为世上职业界的第一？还是为了让自己是世上最大的富翁？

我什么都不要。我只要平平静静地过着简单的生活，成为一个有思想的女强人。

after bottling up for such a long time, the time bomb has finally exploded.

time bomb exploded last night at around 12midnight. reason: bomb was aggravated by a certain trigger which was rather unpleasant.

however, this might not be too bad an incident. the glass surrounding the bomb shattered, destroying the walls surrounding it. yet the debris left behind was quite a deal to handle.



was glad to have chatted with a few people last night... supposed to have been studying though, but hey who cares! *especially after flunking the great-o-certain-paper* so...haha... i'll mug later. later =)

thinking about the things i wana do during the break... i think i really need to get out somewhere, but it seems that the thailand trip's a little too expensive, and i don't know if the details have been finalised yet... eeks =X i hope they don't finalise things too quickly though =X

today i'm officially jobless. no more tuition to haunt me n stuff, but hey i wish my student koh yu all da best for her fmaths exam tml... opps forgot to wish yiwei good luck for her maths paper last week lol... but hmmms... dunno whether i'll miss chatting with them while tutoring them... and of course i'll miss the monthly small increase in my funds... but hey! ahems. well haha~

well shall continue to strive and find my motivation. to hell to those that made me upset. dammit, damn u. u're not worth a single drop of tear.

why does it still hurt now?

i... totally lost motivation to study.

maybe ever since i entered uni, i lost that driving force.

ever since i totally flunked my circuits exam, strangely i didn't feel super motivated or upset or disappointed. it's like... oh i just flunked my exam. nth else, not even a slight surge of panic while i was doing the paper even though i can't get a single answer. seriously... i thought i'll like... dunno... cry like a baby cos i flunked a paper? or maybe even freak out that i can't do a single question in the paper?

now it feels like i've totally given up on myself on this exams.

come on it's only one paper... i think i did ok for jap... u'll do fine if u start mugging now!

sighz...

been thinking these few days... strangely my thoughts now repeating themselves in my mind is not only in chinese, sometimes japanese pops up in my head as well! omgz am i going crazy just from studying jap?

speaking of jap, i didn't even mug hard last minute... i just like slacked after circuits paper and went for jap paper... but that's cos i forced myself to consistently study for jap.

and the stupid thing was... while writing compo for jap paper, i was fantasizing about holidays and can't wait for it to come...

-_-

let's count down to what other subjects i have left...
1) ee2008 algorithms n data systems
2) mb102 business finance
3) ee2010 signals n systems <--- i'm studying so many different systems >_<
4) ee2006 engineering maths 1

i used to keep telling myself... 没有期望没有失望。yes, though i no longer feel hurt because i'm disappointed in anything, but then, somehow this whole thing seem to backfire. because i no longer have expectations of myself, i no longer have the motivation to move forward. and i had the nerve to question whether it'll be sufficient to keep moving forward. ever since even before i entered uni, it seems i tried to cast myself in a frozen glass cell to prevent my tears from falling again. well i succeeded (i think) but contrary to what i thought, i had just frozen myself in time. how nice. it's exactly the same as my blog layout. what an irony.

too many thoughts running in my head now... thinking about how my other friends are working hard while i'm still stuck in the rut, being stubborn about moving off. nobody wants to get hurt, no one wants to hurt you too. this came from an anime i'm watching now called bokura ga ita. reminds me of loads of things from the past. all memories but yet they still come back to me every now and then.

been thinking how hard it is to open up to people these days. i understand that everyone have their own problems to deal with and stuff... so i act high and mighty and say i don't wanna burden others with my problems. besides harping about the same thing every other day is tiring too, so no point talking about it. i act as though nothing's bothered me at all while my friends come to me at times about their problems. but then it seems as though i've never gotten over the entire thing before. what exactly is betrayal? what does it mean to have totally gotten past something happened in the past? does it mean totally forgetting about the whole incident and live your life as though nothing has happened before? if that's the case i suppose i have never gotten over it. with this i'm refering to an incident in secondary school. sometimes i'm left in awe how people can remember something, some event so vividly that happened so long ago and forget what something that happened a min ago.

maybe that's the main reason why i find it so hard to open up? besides, if you choose to open up to the wrong person, i can't imagine the consequences. for those who really care, i know that nobody wants to get hurt, and no one wants to hurt others; but sadly i've met people who are really out to hurt others. maybe i'll misunderstand some of my friends actions because of that. i don't know. even if, even for just a moment, you were true to me; because of that incident, the way things turned out, i'll probably hate you for the way things turned out. you can do the same to me, i wouldn't flinch or anything.

sighz. maybe it's time to ignite some passion that i once had... for sports, for music, for the things i loved. maybe there's none now, but... at least... lemme trick myself that i love studying... so that i have the motivation to mug dammit!

rawr.

ok... wish me luck for tml!

and pray that i wouldn't die in a too ugly fashion...

oh god pls prepare a coffin for me! white wooden one plz...

好久没回到这里。

不知道为何今天又一股冲动回到此地。哈哈为什么我前面那句话听起来那么奇怪？好像要写什么深奥的作文似的。

明明有那么多东西要管，下个礼拜的大考都还没有着落。这次肯定万蛋的。但偏偏，不知为何。。。

往事无端端地在脑里出现。

是对过去的思念，还是只因压力太大，每当压力大的时候就会回想那些美好回忆？

我变了。我不像你们任何一个人所想象的那样。

我也跟两年前的我截然不同。

有太多东西明明不是我。却也不知不觉地变成了我。

感觉简直像个谜。

不愿意再次承认孤单。因为这样的话，就无法继续前进。

我要不断的往前走。就像当初心里理想的女强人一样。不要靠任何人的力量，勇敢的凭着自己的力量在这世上立足。我也不曾忘却这是件多么孤单的一件事。

人心是那么脆弱，却也那么善变。

我不明白为什么那么久以前的事会突然出现在面前。也完全无法了解其中的原因。我不是以前的我。我不像回到过去的我。虽然单纯愚蠢的我是那么的快乐，但到头来始终还是回到了原点。

我 不想再受伤害。这把自卫的声音比任何其他不像伤害其他人的声音来的强烈。身上长着刺猬的感觉是那么痛快却无奈。痛快并不是因伤害别人，而是因为自己知道 不会再受到伤害。就像是坐在一个玻璃房间一样，看得到世间上的是是非非，看得到别人欢喜流泪，那些感受却从不属于自己。不用担心明天是否会挨饿，或者天灾会 突然降临。这是因为生活得太过富裕，还是对世上的事物都感到厌烦呢？

明明远远抛在后头的回忆，为何又会再次回到脑海里呢？

请在离我远一点吧。直到我能够更爱自己，并学习如何爱他人。直到回忆不再让隐性泪水滑落，直到我能忘记什么叫做背叛与伤痛。

argh.

tagboard sux. rawr.

quoted from junyi's blog : "They say the more you look for something, the harder you will find it. And the more you hope to see someone, the lower the chance you will get to see him/her."

i can't help but to agree. probably despite having half of the world disagreeing with me n junyi.

well, if u never had expectations, u'll never know disappointment.



and the thing about one sided stuff... if u believe and understand that it'll stay as being one sided, why persist in doing it? it's tiring and u probably wouldn't reap any reward for it, so why? u'll save yourself all the trouble if u stop.



humans are full of contradictions.

ever heard of the theory? for every thing that happens, something would be taken in exchange. the principal of equivalent trade.

this means. for every single moment of happiness u get, u'll get a equivalent, if not, 10 times the sadness as compared to the moment of happiness u got.

that's y, never seek happiness, for u never know when ur luck will run out and suffer in sadness for the rest of your life.

i forgot that momentarily.

thanks for reminding me again.